I don''t know how to start...

[heartsonfire]

I didn''t forget you all. I was still lurking and checking on all of you. I''ve read wonderful and moving stories. Congratulations to all newly engaged couples. I enjoyed all the lovely proposal stories and of course the gorgeous E-rings. Congrats to you GingerBCookie coz I''ve been following your story and you Houmedgal. I''m so happy for you all. Croy, I was thinking of you on your wedding day. Big hugs and all the best. To Dr. Ally, way to go I knew you can do it. Forgive me I have not posted for a long period of time. A lot of things happened since I got here. I just kept myself busy. I was suppose to come back end of June (shortly after my birthday June 21) or beginning of July. Now I guess I might stay longer. When I got here I joined a pageant, became one of the 15 finalists and won Miss Congeniality (honestly I didn''t want to win coz of my age I''m turning 27 and the cut off was 23, I just did it for fun and exposure and also because my mom''s friend was part of the production and they needed girls to join, didn''t think I would get in, was fun though). I also decided to get back into commercial and ramp modelling. Sometimes I assist for entertainment and events production. And I was offered a tv show to host which is still tentative. Cross your fingers. Everyday I have a schedule. As I said I keep myself busy. But here is the reason why I keep myself busy. OK, here it comes 1 1/2 months ago I broke up with my bf. Things just didn''t work out right. He didn''t seem to care if I am far away and I needed to know if I''m still important to him. I just became ''Out of mind out of sight'' to him. So many times I questioned him. I dont''t expect him to report his every move. All I needed was just to show me that he still cares coz I dearly missed him. And I still do. But still no changes. I undertand that he wants to be successful with his business but I''m not asking for all of his time. I only need a piece of it. If he couldn''t chat or talk to me at least he coud have emailed me a short message or text me on my cell. He had never called my cell or my landline and he has those numbers. I''m sure that is not too much to ask. Well in one of our chat conversations he mentioned to me that he is not ready for this - to get married and this is all what I want and it''s all about me. Well that was too much for me. I had enough. I''ve given him all considerations, I''ve given up my work for him just to spend half year with him so we could see if we could live together. I guess I''ve wasted my time. Yes, I am heartbroken and that is the reason why I wasn''t able to post anything. I thought I could handle it on my own. My family are devasted. We don''t talk about it. Well who wouldn''t be sad. I was suppose to get engaged next month around birthday. And the wedding should have been end of this year or sometime next year. I know he was coming hom to see me and to ask my parents for my hand. That''s what he said to my mother, when he spoke to her on the phone assuring her that he will take care of me and telling her that he loves me. Two days before I flew back home he took me to the jewelry store to finallize the E-ring. He made me choose between a Tacori and Endless Love setting and two amazing diamonds. I saw it but left the decision up to him. Well I guess that is all cancelled now. And I know that he never made any arrangements to travel over here to come see me. After the break up he didn''t even try to contact me and try to patch things up. I was the one who was trying to reach him. When I got tired and stopped checking my emails. I received emails from him wondering what happened to me and if I don''t want to talk to him anymore. That was not the point. Now that I am back checking my emails and sending him short messages he doesn''t want to talk to me. I lost lots of weight and I have a new haircut (new image for my carreer). And I know that he hasn''t mention to his family that it''s over. For him this is not over I guess that''s why he is not taking it seriously. I have not posted and kept quiet coz I was hoping things might change for the better. But I know one day I will find the right guy for me. Thank you for listening. Big hugs to you all. Missing you all. Rfath thank you for posting a WANTED post for me. Hugs to all the Boston, MA ladies. I will definitely have to come home soon. I still have to pick up all my belongings at my ex''s apartment. By the way did I mention that he gave me a pre-e gift 2 days before I flew. It is a diamond pendant past present & future. It''s lovely but I stopped wearing it since we broke up. He called it his promise gift to me.

 

[heartsonfire]

I guess you can take me off the list

 

[MelissaSue]

heartsonfire - I''m so sorry to hear about the breakup. I can''t imagine the heartbreak! Things will work out for the best for you though, I''m sure! Good luck with the TV show and modelling! I''m sure you''ll do great!

 

[Buena Girl]

*hugs*~*hugs* I am so sorry to hear the news!!! Please feel free to vent in the forum anytime! It''s too painful to keep bottled up. Best of luck with the exciting opportunities that await you! Who knows, maybe your new career will lead you to rub elbows with the newly single Brad Pitt

 

[Diamonds4Me]

How very sad. I''m sure your family is heart broken.

But you are right. There is someone out there waiting for you. Someone that will respect you. Think positive. They''re out there somewhere waiting for you.

Glad you are back, too. You know you have tons of support on here.

~Heather

 

[rfath]

*bighugs*

Thank you for posting to let us know that you''re still with us... I can''t imagine how painful it must be right now. But you''re one of the strongest women I''ve met - I know you can get through this. You deserve somone who will treasure you for the wonderful person that you are .. someone committed to you with his entire heart.

We''re all here for you if you want to talk and let us know what''s happening in your life. And remember that any time you want to come back to Boston, I''ve got a room and a car if you ever need them. I''m sure lots of other LIW would make the same offer...

*morehugs*

 

[KBerly]

{{{hugs}}} HOF, i know you are heartbroken, but continue to do what you have been doing and keep yourself busy with modeling and work. you will find someone out there that wants to spend every waking moment with you (ok, maybe a breather here and there

) and in time, everything will work out for the best

i'll continue to think of ya and send happy thoughts... come home to Boston!!!

 

[snow_happy]

Hi HOF,

I''m sorry about your situation. It is definitely a hard time but I think you are being strong about it. You deserve someone who appreciates you! I think it''s important to know that your significant other is missing you when you are away and wants to talk about...anything (or nothing). It''s not fair for you to chase him if he won''t put in any effort. It seems like when you are upset he doesn''t think anything''s wrong and that''s definitely not good. I hope everything works out for you. Your career sounds exciting and off to a good start!

I don''t think you wasted the year you lived with him. You wanted to know if it would work out and it''s better to know now after one year than realizing it in 15 years when you have a house + family. There is someone out there who will love you and make you smile more than be upset.

Good luck and feel free to post!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

*hugs* HOF.

You''re a strong woman . . . spend some time on yourself, your career and with your friends - you deserve the best.

Who knows what the future holds, but this is the best time of your life - enjoy your 20s as much as you can!

And you always have us to vent to when the real world gets to be too much.

 

[blueroses]

((((HUGS)))) HOF, you are so brave and your attitude is amazing. We are all here for you. I''m so glad that you''re keeping busy--and thriving with work opportunities, paegent, modeling, etc.--and that you have your family around you to give you support and love. We are here for you too in spirit.

I''m so sad for you, but you have to listen to your instincts and your heart, and it sounds like you are doing everything right and I really admire you for it!! Hang in there, sweetie,

 

[allycat0303]

Hearts,

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, I had assumed that you were out of contact with a computer and couldn''t post a message. I think this must be especially difficult because he hasn''t tried to contact you and work it out. You are so strong to have done this when both of you were thinking about engagement. One of my closest friends recently got her heart broken by her boyfriend of 5 years, and the only thing I told her was to try and write down everything she was feeling (afraid of) and go through each thing and ask herself "Is this true?", and "Do I know for certain this is true?" It seemed to put things into perspective for her because many of the things that were hurting her weren''t what they seemed.

All you can do at this point is to get through the day, and it will get easier. Once, when my boyfriend broke up with me, I made scheduals everyday, I had something planned for every 10 minutes of the day so it would keep me occupied. It helped me to get up in the morning. I remember how I felt like my life was over, and that I would never get through it, so I can relate to how you feel. Aside from that, take care of yourself. I know it''s hard, I can''t tell you to eat, because I lose weight when I''m stressed/ sad. But try not to make yourself sick. All of the LIW are here for you if you need us.

Ally

 

[HOUMedGal]

Thanks for the congratulations, HOF!

You know what? You''re still a LIW...only difference is that you''re now waiting for the RIGHT guy to come along and show you how it can be better than it ever was before. I''m so sorry about all that''s happened...I can''t imagine how it must feel. Now is a PERFECT time for you to focus on YOU and on making your life into the kind of life you dream of having. Keep your chin up, stay busy with doing stuff that matters to you, and make sure you keep coming back here to talk to all of us...we''ll gladly lend an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry upon ANYTIME!!! Best of luck, and keep us updated on you and your career that seems to be blossoming right now!

Annie

 

[heartsonfire]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for all your support. You made me cry reading the posts. Just the feeling of having friends so far away, yet who understand me, is just simply overwhelming. Plus you all have been there for me since I started PS. You''ve shared laughters and tears with me. I really appreciate you ladies for being here for me. You all make me stronger.

MelissaSue: Congratulations to you too sweetie. I know you got married! You must have looked gorgeous.

Buena Girl: You made me chuckle about Brad Pitt.

Diamonds4Me: That''s what I need... a man that will respect me! Please don''t get me wrong my bf respected me but unfortunately had other priorities. At least I would have loved it if he could have put me on his list aswell. I thought he did. But now I know better.

Rfath: Exactly, I need a man that will treasure me and commit to me with his entire heart. I know one day I will be fortunate. First I have to heal my broken heart. Then I have to learn how to trust, believe and love again. Thank you for the compliment and for making me feel strong. Big hugs to you. I miss you so. Your wedding is very soon. How is it going, everything planned and arranged. Thank you for the offer... I will let you know I defenitely have to come back home to Boston. I miss it there, it truly became my home.

KBerly: Thank you for inspiring me. I Think I really would need that breather. I will let you know when I will be back home.

Snow_happy: Congratulations on your Engagement too. So happy for you.
You are right I didn''t waste my time with him coz it would been harder if I would have been married and have kids with him. This should be a lesson to me. I can''t wait to meet the man who will love me and make me smile.

LaurenThePartier: I will surely enjoy my 20''s. I will never be able to live this ever again. And I will vent if I can''t hold it in anymore. You can count on me.

Blueroses: It was one of the hardest and painful decisions I made. But I really had to listen to my heart and instincts. I knew I wasn''t happy and I couldn''t go on fooling myself.

Allycat0303: I guess it was just not meant to be. Things happen for a reason. I would lie if I''m ok. However I''m doing just fine. Still mending my broking heart. He is still in my everday thoughts and it will not be easy to forget him. But I do keep myself very busy and it does help me go through this. Thank you for your kind words. And again have I said how proud I am of you Dr. Ally.

HOUMedGal: You spoke from my heart... I''m still an LIW... just waiting for the right guy... now is the perfect time to focus on me. I will be just fine! Trust me I got so hooked to PS. I could never leave you. Even on my bad days I go online just to check on you ladies. There were days it was impossible coz I wished the lovely things happend to me too. But I am so happy for all of you lucky ladies. And I''m sure one sweet day it will happen to me too.

Again thank you ladies for all your support and helping me to get through this heart ache.
This will not kill me - it will only make me stronger and wiser!

Sunny and warm greetings from Asia.

(((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 5/22/2005 2:31:41 AM
Author: heartsonfire

It was one of the hardest and painful decisions I made. But I really had to listen to my heart and instincts. I knew I wasn''t happy and I couldn''t go on fooling myself.

I know what I''m going to say is of little comfort now, but jot it down and look at it again a few years from now...it will mean more then.

You did the RIGHT THING. You chose the right road. You knew you weren''t happy, and you decided at that moment that YOU deserved better.....and you DO.

Months or years from now.....when you meet the person that *does* deserve everything you have to offer, you''ll reflect back on this very moment....and you will realize that your good fortune then and the man of your dreams wouldn''t have been possible if you had settled for less now.

It takes a really strong, really smart person to make that choice......not to settle. It''s the harder choice to make.... I know first hand. The day I realized I fell in love with Rich, it occurred to me like a revelation that I would have missed out on him....the TRUE love of my life.....if I had settled for less previously.

Congratulations for having the good sense and the STRENGTH to listen to your instinct and your heart.

 

[MissAva]

I just saw this and I am so sorry *hugs*. I agreee with the other ladies, you are still a LIW and you are welcome here no matter what! I wish you the best of luck during this exciting time in your career. If you ever need a place to vent or jsut chat dont forget us....*hug*

 

[Blue824]

I''m so sorry to hear what happened. The other LIW are right, it took incredible strenth and courage to follow your heart. I wish you lots of love and happiness in your future. Good luck with your career and take strength from knowing you did the right thing! and we''re always here to listen & support you.

 

[goldengirl]

HOF, I am sorry to hear of your heartache but I have a lot of respect for a women who knows when she deserves better. You DID do the right thing, and even if he''s not taking it seriously now it will really hit him soon than you meant what you said, and I hope at that moment that he recognizes how much he lost.

(((((hugs))))) to you and congrats on your recent successes with your career! It sounds like you''re taking things one day at a time and that''s the best you can do right now.

 

[appletini]

HOF: My heart goes out to you, but I am so proud of you for making a tough decision. You have definitely made the right decision since so many other things in your life are falling into place, especially with your career. You will have to keep us posted on your activities. Plus I''m sure that you have male fan club that is very excited about your new single status. Best of luck in everything you do.

 

[Croí]

dearest HoF
my heart SANK to read your post but I can''t speak strongly enough about how much I agree with all the others - YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER than that. SO MUCH !

I am so glad to hear you are putting your mind to other things - and things that are great for you at that. Though it sounds so cliched (even to my own ears) these experiences truly DO make you stronger, more sure of who you are and what you want and need and just plain deserve. I will never forget the dark hole I fell into after the worst break-up of my life but now I honestly can look back and be GRATEFUL that he didn''t try to work it out, didn''t fight to keep us an "us".

I have found happiness I never would have imagined and I HONESTLY TRULY believe you will too

*massivehugecomfortinghugsfromfaraway*
Croí

P.S. ditto for what rfath said, place to stay, way to get around ..... anything you need, let us know.

 

[heartsonfire]

It is not easy to post my feelings and my emotions on PS but it sure is helping me get through this tough time. And all of you are so wonderful and supportive. From the bottom of my heart, thank you very much for all your kind words and for believing in me and for making me feel strong.

Aljdewey: I believe in what you say. It makes so much sense. I promise when the time comes and I am in a better place and a better stage I will post the wonderful moments just to assure you that everything just worked out just fine.

Matatora: I could never forget PS and all you wonderful people. I just hope you will never get sick of me.

Blue824: Thank you for your kind words.

goldengirl: No matter how much he hurt me, still I don''t want to see him hurt. I know what you said will happen or is already happening... that it will hit him soon and that he will realize what he lost... stilll I don''t want him to go through the heart ache I had and still have to go through. I wish him well and that he finds happiness in his life.

Appletini: I will definitely keep you posted. I can really use all the luck and good vibes you all are sending my way.

Croi: Your story inspires me. And I believe and wish all your positive and good karma will touch me too.

Thank you for all the best wishes and warm hugs from far away. I really needed that and you all make me feel much better.
Thank you for opening my eyes. I very much appreciate you listening to me and supporting me. Taking things one day at a time. You are all in my thoughts. HUGS.

 

[icekid]

HOF- i''ve been meaning to reply to this thread for a while now but school has been busy. i just wanted to say though that you are obviously a wonderful, beautiful (i remember the picture!

), sweet, and caring woman. you deserve the best, and clearly he can''t give that to you right now. i know you''re going to find someone who worships the ground you walk on! and then you''ll know why this happened... everything does work out!

HUGS!

 

[heartsonfire]

Icekid: Thank you for taking time to post even if you are busy. I really appreciate your kind words. I would love to find the man who will worship the ground I walk on. Everything happen for a reason and you are right everything will work out just fine. Hugs back.

 

[blueroses]

HeartsonFire, you continue to floor me with your grace through all of this--you are a LADY in every sense of the word, and I know you''re going to end up even stronger at the end of this painful road! We''re here for you, and I am just so impressed with the way you are moving forward. (((HUGS))) and

to you

 

[laughinggravy]

HOF, it seemed in your post that you were afraid that you might have been asking to much from your bf. You were right to feel he could have phoned you and/or emailed you a couple of times a week or a short call once a day even. You did the right thing, it is reasonable to expect to be treated with affection and respect. Don''t blame yourself or feel that you were too hard on him. It''s so temping to find them excuses and feel that one was to blame.

Very best of luck to you. You''ll meet someone wonderful soon and then you''ll be so glad you had the strength to stick to your guns at this point.

Abi

 

[heartsonfire]

Blueroses: Thank you so much. Plus with all (all you lovely people on PS) your help it makes it so much easier to get through this tough time. You all make me feel stronger and you make me believe in all the good things ahead of me. I feel much better, I really do.

Laughinggravy: Until now he doesn''t and we actually never really settled it for good. That''s why I still feel I still have to close the chapter however yesterday I had an incedent...

I wish I could post what we chatted about. Partially we had an audio conversation, but my microphone was not working properly so I would type what I had to say. So if I would post it, all you can read is a one way conversation. Anyhow I was glad to see him online. Surprisingly I was very calm and I was really happy to see him online because I wanted to clear out a lot of things with him. It was 2:30am in Boston. He just came back from playing cards. Ok, I know he works hard and that he needs time for himself. But if he can play cards after work until 2:30am, I guess he could steal a couple of minutes for me too. Unfortunately he doesn''t see it that way. So I dropped it. Then I asked him to turn the webcam on. He refused to. I just wanted to see him and check if he is fine. He didn''t want to and he even yelled at me that I just want to see him during his weakest moment. Oh, please as if I would enjoy seeing him hurt. I couldn''t understand him why he was giving him and me a hard time. All I could feel were the tears running across my face. I told him that I felt horrible, but he just ignored it. I just wanted to let him know that I cared for him but still he pushed me away. Him and his stupid pride. I will spare you other dumb comments he threw at me. I am not a mean person and I am not saying he was mean to me. Anyhow at the end of the conversation I was still typing things that I would really want to end this so I may go on with my life and I would just appreciate if he could finally let me go. He said that he will always love me and that he will always be here for me. Well he wasn''t even there for me when I needed him most and that is now. And also those times when he would not even take a minute time for me. I never asked for too much, just for him to care for me. I could have waited, no matter how long. But never tell a girl that you are not ready for a commitment, because the only thing she wants is too get married and that it''s all about her. It''s insulting to me, because I have always been a very independent woman. Infact before I met him, I always thought of myself first. With him it was the other way around. I put him first. Why? Very simple, because I loved him with all my heart. To stop rambling, at the end of the chat I noticed he was not replying or talking back anymore. Guess what he just stepped away without saying goodbye and took a shower. How do I know. Well he must have left the bathroom door open and I heard the water splashing. For me I know I diserve some respect. I definitely don''t diserve this kind of treatment. And that finally shook me and woke me up. One day, even if he would try to patch and work things up. There are certain things I could never forget. I will forgive him for hurting my feelings and for breaking my heart into pieces, however I will never forget. And that tells me that I could never get back together with him ever again. Knowing that he has been a big part of my life and that I truly loved him. There will always be a crack in the glass. I don''t threat, I really do stick to my guns. No one disrespects me like that.

 

[MelissaSue]

HeartsonFire - I''m so sorry.. that conversation you had with him last night seems soo painful.. but I think you are right that it should show you that you are better without him. Its obvious you still love him.. and you are both probably hurt..so its hard to talk right now.. but he still should not treat you that way..

We will be here for you!

 

[heartsonfire]

MelissaSue: I''m glad I have you ladies. Thank you.

I''m sure we both are still hurt and we should just let it calm down. But at least he should be more sensitive specially with the situation we both are in. Sometimes I just don''t understant how a man think. I''m so glad I can vent in here. And I can just finally let my frustration out. Why does he pretend he is so strong but he isn''t. Why can''t he just show me that he is hurt and that he needs me. Does he actually know that he is just simply pushing more and more away from him. I will get through this. BREATH!!!

 

[rfath]

oh... *hugs*

We wouldn''t have this forum if men were easier to understand, but it''s a poor man who shows that sort of disrepect to someone he professes to love. I''m sorry that he made you feel this way.... you deserve so much more devotion.


I''ll repeat what Melissa said... we''re here. Whatever you need... just ask!

 

[Shay]

HOF I am so sorry this is happening to you. I like to believe that the universe doesnt give us anything we can''t deal with. And from reading your posts you sound like you could deal with absolutely anything!

You are a strong, smart woman with a blossoming career. Your path will become clearer and your heart ache will slowly become less. Do not let him make you doubt yourself with his hurtful words.

remember, the ladies in waiting have your back!

 

[heartsonfire]

Ladies,

Thank you again and again... even if you are tired of hearing this... but I mean it... thank you for being there for me!

rfath: What you said is so true. Why do I even expect more from him. This is really how he is and I never really wanted him to change. At least now I know how he really is. That he will rather be stubborn staying proud and hard headed than reaching out for me and making me feel better. I''m glad you all are helping me open my eyes. It''s sad to see him this way. And I do hope he finds a lovely lady one day who can take him, care for him and love him for who he is. And I do hope that he also learns to drop a little of his foolish pride. He will never get far with that. I know one sweet day I will find the man who will respect me, love me and care for me with so much more devotion. I know there is someone special out there for me. I just feel it in my heart.

Shay: You are right, my path becomes clearer and my heart ache becomes less each day. It''s so easy to get through this with all your help. I will never forget that all you LIW have my back. I like the sound of that. Thank you.

Sorry for my late reply. I got sick for 2 days. With all the stress I didn''t realize that I was not eating properly since I got here (approx 2 months). Sometimes I would forget to eat. Well the other day I started to have cramps in my stomach. I didn''t think much about it. I took some pain killers. It really didn''t help. I tried sleeping the pain away. Instead every half an hour I woke up with worst pain. It felt like an explosion in my stomach. It burnt so bad. I thought I''d pass out any moment. Didn''t think of waking up my parents coz I thought I could handle the pain. I couldn''t. Very early in the morning instead of walking 10 steps to knock on my parents door. I called my mom from my cell to her cell asking her to check on me coz I can''t handle the pain anymore. She saw me pale and exhausted. So she took care of me. Gave me everything I needed... water, soup, crackers, medication, affection, etc. Anything a sick person needed. Nothing helped the pain was still there. It got so bad that the pain went from my stomach all the way to my back, my legs, my head, my muscles and deep into my bones. Hoping at night that I will feel better I didn''t. A friend doctor even came by to check on me. Saw me and immediately decided to put an IV on me. I felt so much better shortly after. And I was able to sleep that night. Now I am better, still taking medications just to prevent it from happening again. And of course I finally eat on time again. By the way the the reason I had that because I became hyper acidic. Caused by not eating or forgetting to eat on proper meal times. So please ladies take care of yourself. Eat properly. I wouldn''t want any of you to feel the pain I felt. Plus it''s even worst when you don''t have anyone to take care of you when you are sick. Hugs to you all.