Contributing to or splitting cost of engagement ring

[mary poppins]

The article below states that there's a new trend on the horizon - couples who split the price of an engagement ring. This can be purely monetarily, or through the woman or her family contributing an heirloom center stone.

Are you contributing to or splitting the cost of an engagement ring, or have you done so?

http://www.today.com/style/splitting-cost-engagement-ring-would-you-do-it-8C11279106

 

[mary poppins]

I'll start.

While researching e-rings, DH found PS. We agreed on the shape of the center stone. We selected the setting together - I chose the style and he chose the PS vendor after convincing me about purchasing online. That was the end of my involvement. DH selected a center stone based on tips and recommendations from PS and PSers in RockyTalky, and paid for the ring.

DH was able to afford a ring on his own, so we didn't discuss the possibility of me contributing money towards it. There was no heirloom diamond or setting mentioned from either of our families. If there were, I would have been amenable to using one or both. I'm also not opposed to using pre-loved (non-family) rings or stones as a way to reduce costs, as I don't think they come with negativity or bad luck. I have two pre-loved RHRs - the one I wore at my wedding is from a pawn shop and the other is from a PSer.

I know a woman who paid for her engagement ring without any contribution from her DH. I would not do that.

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

I offered to split the cost, and he said no. He is very traditional and thinks it should be a gift from him. Well, i'm still waiting for him to save the money LOL.

 

[UrsTx]

DH paid for the original Ering. I wanted something a little bigger than what he could afford but we kept it within budget. It never occurred to me to offer to help pay for it. Being younger and from what my Dad always told me, I thought the man HAD to buy this specific ring on his own. Now in my 40s, I probably would offer to help if I was getting engaged but I think he would still insist he pay for it on his own.

Later, we did a 5yr and then a 10yr upgrade. By then it was "our" money so I guess I helped pay for my ring after all.

 

[madelise]

Yes. I wouldn't pay for the whole thing, no, because I have strong feelings for the fact that a man should save up and do this and not have mommy or daddy or anyone else help out. But I got x budget, and I went over that budget, so I paid for the rest. Why not? If your man can only afford so much, and you want more, AND HE'S OKAY WITH IT, why not?

Slight tangent.. I've known too many girls that have gotten proposed to with cheapy rings that the man did not put any effort into saving money for. Either it was with a very low price tag or the girl paid for it. The guy proposes, they're engaged, ladeedadee happy, and then he splits. It was low or no cost for him to get whatever he wanted from the girl (attention? intimate relations? her to shut up about it?) and move on. I feel like a man spending time to save up shows that he doesn't want to go anywhere, and he's ready to invest his life into this relationship.

Of course, this isn't black and white and I know that. It's just something I believe in, but there are always loopholes to. I'm not like "Every guy who spends very little or makes the girl pay is a jerk" because there are many perfectly logical reasons to why a guy needed his girl to help out or whatever. Guy in a million years of med school and is in crazy student debt? Logical. Guy who holds a position that isn't high paying, but the girl does hold a position that pays well? Logical. Guy who rather spend his $$ on an X-Box? A new car when he has one that runs perfectly fine? But oh, honey, I don't have money for a ring? Doesn't contribute towards dates, living costs if you live together, or anything? Ding ding ding, red flag, time to leave.

 

[UrsTx]

... Guy who rather spend his $$ on an X-Box? A new car when he has one that runs perfectly fine? But oh, honey, I don't have money for a ring? Doesn't contribute towards dates, living costs if you live together, or anything? Ding ding ding, red flag, time to leave.

Oh, I know THAT guy! I work with a guy like that. He has student loan debt which I understand, but he drives a new high end car, gets his shirts tailor made and monogrammed, flies first class even though the company only reimburses him for coach fare, buys the best of everything for himself, and lives with the girl in her house, but then says "engagement rings are so expensive" when I asked when he's going to propose. Poor girl - but I only know half the story, she obvi sees something I don't.

 

[maple2012]

I wanted to contribute but FI said he wanted to buy me what he could afford to save up for completely on his own. Unfortunately this led to a diamond a tad smaller than what I wanted... but it's okay because I still love it. My plan is whenever the company I work for goes public or sales... and I cash out on my stock options... I'll just by myself a warmer and large old cut diamond for a RHR.

 

[pandabee]

Slightly touchy subject for me but we are a very different couple...I found a ring through preloved here for a great deal. I had the funds at the time (and also the picky taste of course) so I snatched it up. This was a year ago and I am still waiting for him to propose but the real waiting period began after we both graduated this past May. If he had purchased it after we graduated (after working for a few months) than I have no doubt that he would be able to afford this ring at full price if we had chosen to. I've asked him about whether he will be paying me back for it but like his plans to propose, and his response is always that I was the one who chose to buy it at the time. That sounds kind of mean but he is just practical like that. We do plan on having some joint accounts in the future, and he will be contributing more to our future wedding costs (since we are established it only seems fair to pay for the wedding ourselves rather than ask our parents to contribute toward this type of event).

Long story short, we are both in a professional field making good money and on an equal foot financially (more or less). I chose to pay for the ring upfront but since we seem to have done everything else in our relationship pretty backward from convention, we do find a way to make it "fair" for all parties eventually.

 

[gem_anemone]

I contributed 20% of the cost of the ring in order to get a bigger center stone without going over DH's budget. I guess I could have let him pay for it all and had a smaller center stone, but I'm glad I was able to negotiate to get the bigger one.

Edited to add that I wouldn't have paid for the whole thing myself. Up to 50% is ok in my book, but I don't know if I would have been comfortable with an amount greater than that.

Edited again (haha!) to add that I make more money that DH and at the time we purchased the ering I was making significantly more than him.

 

[dk168]

Call me old fashion, however, I was brought up to believe that an engagement ring is a gift, and the gent should pick up the entire cost of the ring, and that it should be at least equivalent to a month's of his salary etc. etc...

However, I can appreciate time has changed, and a lady may wish to contribute towards the ring in order to get a better one.

DK

 

[FrekeChild]

Call me old fashion, however, I was brought up to believe that an engagement ring is a gift, and the gent should pick up the entire cost of the ring, and that it should be at least equivalent to a month's of his salary etc. etc...

However, I can appreciate time has changed, and a lady may wish to contribute towards the ring in order to get a better one.

DK

Ah, sounds like the diamond industry's marketing has worked on you! (Or really, all of us.) but I think their suggested amount is 3 months salary.

My husband saved for it himself. What I wanted was way under budget, so he was ok with me getting a reset shortly after getting engaged.

 

[Julysnight]

Personally, I rather have a smaller ring that he put the time and effort into saving up for, than a larger ring I contributed towards. However, I don't see anything wrong with contributing towards the ring. In the end, marriage is about sharing and helping each other out so contributing towards the ring goes in line with that

 

[Chewbacca]

I paid for the GST/duty on my ring, which was about 20% of the total cost. I didn't intend to, but when we received the bill I became very firm and insisted. It felt good to contribute!

 

[Niel]

My FI and I live together and have a baby. Our finances are shared sort of, but we don't share a bank acct yet.


I paid for all of mine.

 

[ckrickett]

When my Fiancée and I decided we wanted to get married it there was a lot up in the air. In my previous relationship we were on the cusp of an engagement. So I had a lot of opinions and ideas of what i wanted out of a ring. Now he thinks diamonds are stupid and would have ended up getting me a lab created emerald or something. I find nothing wrong for people to go any route, and I wanted him to decide what to get me. But I wanted him to pick something I wanted, rather then something he liked without thinking about my tastes.

So the answer, was for me to buy it. EVERYONE hated this idea, but I had no problem. If he was so against buying diamonds, and wouldn't put any thought into a ring.I was like WHELP Let me do it.

I ended up getting a GORGEOUS (if I do say so myself) heirloom ring from his mother. Which I ADORE! So it was a win win win win for everyone. BUT I can see based on my situation, where women would buy her own ring,or chip in. I think decisions like that are up to the couple.

 

[star sparkle]

My DH paid for my original ering (that I picked out) all by himself. Then we jointly saved for and split the cost of my upgrade - he was more than happy to contribute, and there's no way I'd have ever let him pay for it himself.

 

[madelise]

HEY!! LOL! This topic is the current blog post for PS! https://www.pricescope.com/blog/cast-your-vote-would-you-go-dutch-engagement-ring Cast your votes!

 

[kb1gra]

He paid for my first ering, which is what I thought I wanted.

But it wasn't, so we are currently negotiating for that to be a RHR and get a new e-ring.

If we do, I expect that I will be footing some or all of the cost, depending. We are going to go look today

 

[msop04]

I was wondering when I'd see a thread like this!!

I don't think it matters either way, as long as both people are in agreement and happy with the decision. My DH (like most guys) had absolutely no idea what diamonds cost, and I am a bit picky, so... He wanted me to have about a 1.5 ct in a 6-prong Tiffany-like setting... which I would have been totally cool with if he hadn't made the whole, "I don't want you to upgrade...ever" comment. WAIT A MINUTE!! ...this changes everything!!

I asked him what his budget was and he finally agreed to let me pay for my setting and both of our bands and he would pay for my diamond. After all, even with paying for all that, it's still not even 1/3 of what he would be paying... My jeweler found a really really great deal on the diamond I ended up with, otherwise I would not have been able to get the larger stone... and we never really told DH exactly how much he saved on it...

DH is six years younger than I am and was only a several of years out of college, and I have been financially stable for a long time, so I felt better about this arrangement --and I knew that his money + my money would soon = our money, so it really didn't matter much anyway and he agreed. I think he kinda wishes I would've just gotten the solitaire... only because he says my setting is "too flashy" and embarrasses him. I mean, excuse me, but can that ever be true??

Of course not!!

 

[antiquesparkler]

My diamond was my grandmother's and FI paid for the setting. It worked well for us and now I get an even more amazing wedding band.

I don't think FI ever realized how much diamonds cost until he went out with some of his buddies and told them that we had inheirited a diamond-- they were telling him how lucky he was and how much they paid for their wives/fiance's rings. He came home a happy guy and whatever bad feelings he had about not buying the diamond were gone.

 

[TC1987]

I think if you young people want to split the cost of the re-ring, there ought to be a good paper trail on who contributed how much to that "joint asset." An engagement ring is, legally, usually a conditional gift given on the condition that the marriage will take place. If the two of you split without marrying, the court would usually rule that the ring goes back to the guy. You women would not want the ring to go back to the man without getting financial reimbursement for your % of ownership, would you? When I got engaged, I bought the setting and he bought the diamond. That made it very clear who "owned" what.

 

[mochiko42]

I've had conflicted and changing views about who pays for the ring. My FI is very non-traditional and doesn't believe in a lot of the traditional family stuff, whereas I'm a little more conservative about family (I'm from a large Chinese family in Hong Kong, but grew up in the UK, Canada and US).

My FI and I have been going out for six years, and living together for two years. Some years, my job has paid better but currently he makes more than I do. We pool our finances and don't really care about who makes more than whom. It's our shared savings, and we intend to keep that principle after we marry next March.

Anyway, at first, FI proposed without a ring because he wasn't sure if I wanted an e-ring (!!yeah...) or just only the wedding bands. I had conflicting feelings about that because I liked the general idea of being proposed to with a ring. I'd never really thought about the specifics. Later though, I realized that I wanted a say in what the ring looked like. After discussing, we decided to get both an engagement ring for me and a pair of wedding bands for both of us. FI told me to pick whatever ring I wanted and didn't set a budget, but I know what our finances are like so I set my own budget based on how much I was comfortable with us spending.

I have to admit, at first I made a big deal about the e-ring because I don't buy jewelry often (due to allergies), and the whole thought of having something pretty and sparkly and custom-made was very persuasive. Also, I have to admit there was a bit of peer/social pressure to have an e-ring paid for entirely by the man. FI offered to pay for the ring, and he paid the first deposit (about 60%). When it came time to pay the balance, I realized that it didn't really matter who actually took out their credit card to pay -- since our finances are shared -- so I paid for the balance (about 40%). I think there's no right or wrong answer for who pays, as long as it's a decision that both individuals can agree on and are happy with as a couple.

Now that we have both e-ring and wedding bands chosen, I realize that the e-ring is beautiful and I love it as a piece of jewelry, but it feels strange for it to be a stand-alone and not a matched pair. I don't feel as strongly about it as my wedding ring, which has its partner in my FI's wedding band. Along the way, my thinking has shifted so that now the meanings symbolized by the wedding bands (commitment, partnership) are more valuable to me than my e-ring (which I love and wouldn't part with, but it does feel a bit lonely somehow without a partner worn by my FI). I'm looking forward to wearing my wedding band with pride.

Still, I love my e-ring and wedding bands that my FI and I picked out. I'm glad we shared the expense for them equally and I think going together to look for and select the rings was a great and priceless experience.

 

[quaddio]

I've had conflicted and changing views about who pays for the ring. My FI is very non-traditional and doesn't believe in a lot of the traditional family stuff, whereas I'm a little more conservative about family (I'm from a large Chinese family in Hong Kong, but grew up in the UK, Canada and US).

My FI and I have been going out for six years, and living together for two years. Some years, my job has paid better but currently he makes more than I do. We pool our finances and don't really care about who makes more than whom. It's our shared savings, and we intend to keep that principle after we marry next March.

Anyway, at first, FI proposed without a ring because he wasn't sure if I wanted an e-ring (!!yeah...) or just only the wedding bands. I had conflicting feelings about that because I liked the general idea of being proposed to with a ring. I'd never really thought about the specifics. Later though, I realized that I wanted a say in what the ring looked like. After discussing, we decided to get both an engagement ring for me and a pair of wedding bands for both of us. FI told me to pick whatever ring I wanted and didn't set a budget, but I know what our finances are like so I set my own budget based on how much I was comfortable with us spending.

I have to admit, at first I made a big deal about the e-ring because I don't buy jewelry often (due to allergies), and the whole thought of having something pretty and sparkly and custom-made was very persuasive. Also, I have to admit there was a bit of peer/social pressure to have an e-ring paid for entirely by the man. FI offered to pay for the ring, and he paid the first deposit (about 60%). When it came time to pay the balance, I realized that it didn't really matter who actually took out their credit card to pay -- since our finances are shared -- so I paid for the balance (about 40%). I think there's no right or wrong answer for who pays, as long as it's a decision that both individuals can agree on and are happy with as a couple.

Now that we have both e-ring and wedding bands chosen, I realize that the e-ring is beautiful and I love it as a piece of jewelry, but it feels strange for it to be a stand-alone and not a matched pair. I don't feel as strongly about it as my wedding ring, which has its partner in my FI's wedding band. Along the way, my thinking has shifted so that now the meanings symbolized by the wedding bands (commitment, partnership) are more valuable to me than my e-ring (which I love and wouldn't part with, but it does feel a bit lonely somehow without a partner worn by my FI). I'm looking forward to wearing my wedding band with pride.

Still, I love my e-ring and wedding bands that my FI and I picked out. I'm glad we shared the expense for them equally and I think going together to look for and select the rings was a great and priceless experience.

You're adorable, what a lovely story!

 

[Vlpet]

As a guy, I see the ering as both a gift and the promise of commitment to a marriage. So my opinion is it's the guys cost, but that's because I see it as a gift. The whole "it should be 1-3 months pay" is a crappy marketing exercise and I hope not many people get suckered into it.

I feel it should be a reasonable purchase but one that doesn't overly effect your finances. There's more important things to invest in to provide a strong financial future for your new lives together. If you're going into debt or empty all the accounts, it sounds like it's too much.

That said, traditions are there to be broken for many out there but I'd thread gently in those initial conversations about paying for some of the ering solely to upgrade the size, you might offend your partner and look like a gold digger in the process. Maybe start by suggesting you help him to pay for it before saying you're only doing it to get a better gift because you don't like the one he's giving you. Tacky tacky.

The flip side is he might love the idea and you'll both get what you're looking for

 

[fogdancer]

Is a lovely tradition, nice proposals and guys planning everything, in my country is not common a band with a diamond... when engaged both wear gold bands at the right hand.
I wish it was different, and in my case I would help if I could of course, or keep things in real budget.

But sadly I love cushions... lol

 

[fogdancer]

Is a lovely tradition, nice proposals and guys planning everything, in my country is not common a band with a diamond... when engaged both wear gold bands at the right hand.
I wish it was different, and in my case I would help if I could of course, or keep things in real budget.

But sadly I love cushions... lol

 

[monique_w]

My boyfriend and I have lived together for about 4 years, have shared all our finances for about 2 years and just bought a house in May so even if he 'bought' a ring all by himself realistically I would have paid for about one third of it because that is my contribution to the household finances.

So I don't see an issue with the woman paying for some of her engagement ring. I think it depends on the situation though.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My husband and I pretty much split it. He bought the first one and I paid for the subsequent upgrade when I wasn't happy with the quality of the first one (I picked it out pre-PS). He had no issues with me upgrading and I was more than happy to throw down for it. Since we're married we combine all of our income anyway so in the end it's all our money anyway. Not all couples do this but we did.

 

[marcy]

I believe the original engagement ring should be a gift from the groom and it should be something he can easily afford. Whether the couple picks it out together depends on the couple and their situation.

That being said, many ladies today want to start with 1 carat or more diamonds in designer rings which are not easily affordable to many people. I think if the couple decides on a pricey ering the bride should maybe offer to help pay for the ring.

 

[Ms_A]

Since this will be my second marriage, I want to help pay for the ring, and this also helps me get a ring I know I will love! SO and I share everything, we do everything together, and this is no different. I guess since we share bank accounts we both are paying, but let me tell you, if anyone would ask he paid for it all the way!!