Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opinion

[rsmals]

My very wonderful Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Marriage has never been overly important to either of us and we've only recently discussed the idea of marriage and an engagement ring hunt. Now my issue, I apologize if I'm divulging too much information. I'm not looking to brag, but feel it's important to the overall issue, and with the anonymity that the internet offers, hopefully its only a minor faux pas in this instance.

My boyfriend is non-traditional and understandably, overwhelmed at the thought of ring shopping, as shopping in general scares him. He asked me to go find a ring that I would love, which in turn (in theory) would provide better results for both of us!

Now, in 6 years, he has never bought me a single piece of jewellery, I'm not typical in the way that I like/expect to receive jewelery regularly. BUT I do want my engagement ring to be beautiful, timeless and a family heriloom. In all likelihood, this will be the only piece of jewelery I'll receive from him ever (minus the wedding band..). I should also mention that I have a size 3.5 finger so it's not as simple as just walking into a store and picking something. I found a suitable ring for 8100.00 and he is APPALLED by the price.. Sure, this is a lot of money BUT; (and here's where I may over divulge)

-Were NOT having a wedding, eloping and a small gathering of only family (meaning almost no expense)
-We have a combined income of 200,000+ a year
-He buys himself a new toy (ie 10,000 dirtbike, sled, etc. every year)
-We are both responsible financially, live well within our means and our mortgage is well below what we can afford.
-I've never once received Jewelery, and don't expect to again. As a one time deal, I sort of hoped to get exactly what I want.
-I've had to do all the work, research, diamond hunting and I'll be coordinating the purchase and shipping. Hes not really involved except the funding. Sort of takes any amount of romance out of it.

Now, this is starting to cause a bit of a rift and some animosity between us. I feel like I should be worth as least as much as one of the dirt-bikes he buys EVERY YEAR! And I'm certainly not asking him to fore-go a toy for a ring (because buying both would be FINE). He claims he just doesn't understand the whole "engagement ring thing" and finds that spending that amount of money on something I wear on my finger ridiculous.

Please tell me if I'm acting like a spoiled brat in this situation. My feelings are hurt and I don't want a ring that he doesn't want to get me. I'm surrounded by friends who's husbands would strive to get them their dream ring, even if it meant saving a bit longer or forgoing something like, oh I don't know, a new sled, that year. Maybe I'm jaded by that mindset.

All honest opinions (brutal if required!) are welcome!

 

[BlingObsession]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

He doesn't have to understand or empathise or relate. He just needs to know it will make you happy and if it makes you happy, it should make him happy.

Simple!

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Thanks! This is my thoughts as well, and I'm trying to be open to his opinion... But just can't get my head around it!

I would buy him ANYTHING if I knew it would make him happy, he's more frugal and tends to overthink EVERYTHING! But I really don't understand his mindset here!! *pulling hair out* (...is there an emoticon for that? There should be!)

 

[oneoftheguys]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

You're not being ridiculous at all, but you're also probably setting up the paradigm poorly. For your boyfriend, it's really not about you being worth as much as a bike, it's about the way he uses the bike vs. the way you use the ring. Everything you're saying indicates that this is about ideology, rather than money, for both of you; he's looking at this as something you will wear on your finger, which likely doesn't feel as important as the many real-world things that you interact with day-to-day.

Or at least, I felt this way when I first started looking at rings for my girlfriend. I had the money, I was (and am) really excited about getting married, but we're not showy people in that way and it felt disingenuous and flighty to spend that much money on something I wasn't convinced was "us" if that makes sense.

That said, my budget for the ring blew up when I realized that I'd thought about this part all wrong. The ring isn't about the glitz and glam, it's about the everyday. This is a symbol of my relationship that my soon-to-be wife (omg) will wear every single day: when stuff is going well, when we fight, when we're stressed as hell--all the time. When I thought of it from that side, I realized that it was one of the wedding-y things I was most excited to invest in--not to get the gaudiest, most expensive ring we could, but to get exactly the ring that I wanted her to have on her finger at those moments.

It's possible that you can't be the one to make your bf see it that way (I'm not sure how I'd have reacted if my gf had talked to me that way, honestly). But I hope, really sincerely, that if and when you two do discuss this, it not be about the value of you, or this random rock on your finger. Ideally, this conversation should be all about the unexpected utility of everyday stuff, because that feels like the whole point of spending your life with someone.

(Just my two cents)

 

[madelise]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Do you share finances? Just buy it yourself. It doesn't have to be your engagement ring. You can't force someone to give you a gift, let alone be specific in what you demand as a gift. Let him buy whatever he wants for you, then YOU buy yourself the ring of your dreams. It sounds like you can afford it, so why not? I buy myself jewelry all the time. I wouldn't even WANT my FI to buy me stuff since he'd probably get me something I'd hate!

What I don't like hearing is that he buys himself whatever he wants (regardless of value, it doesn't matter if it's a 10K dirt bike or a 1K gaming console) but doesn't want you to spend that kind of money. It doesn't matter what HE thinks of it. It's something you're going to wear every day for the rest of your life (supposedly). Now, if you keep your money all separate and his spending of play money is all HIS, and he sees it as you two having separate money, then I get it. He spends HIS money and he doesn't want to spend that much of HIS money on you for something he doesn't understand. However, if you have combined finances, and he's doing whatever he wants yet won't let you do anything, that's a red flag.

In the end, is fighting about this ring worth ending the relationship? Stop fighting. Find a compromise, be it you accepting whatever value ring he gives you and you buying yourself your dream ring, or you upgrading the e-ring later on in life, or you giving up on your idea of a ring but treating yourself to a 10K dirt bike this year for Christmas just because he has one and you should too

 

[madelise]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I think you might find this thread relevant. It's not specifically on cost (or whatever characteristics of what you want that are constituting the cost), but it's a similar feeling: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/new-liw-disagreement-on-the-size-of-the-e-ring.194355/

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Thanks! I really appreciate hearing the Y chromosome side of this.

I'd say you and him have (or at least had) a very similar perspective. I think practicality is a big issue for him. To him, an engagement ring is just a "thing", where to me it's a symbol of everything we've been through, as well as will go through. I'm not sure I'll be the one who's able to change his perspective on this, or even if it will change at all.

We do talk about it, and quite often. He knows my feelings are hurt, he also knows that I'm not trying to make it all about "the most expensive, biggest & fanciest" (for the record, I'm looking at a 0.8-0.9 carat in a simple setting, but from a reputable, one-of bench), But still, the amount is "outrageous" as he put it... I'm not wanting to put a value on myself, but having to get into this feels like that's what's happening. No girl wants to have to "fight" for her dream ring (maybe I'm over-romanticizing this?).. especially because cost isn't exactly the issue. If anything, this is a great exercise in preparing for the communication issues that arise in a marriage (silver lining? yes!)

I hope I don't come across as a money-grubbing girlfriend. I have so much respect for this man, and am really, truly trying to understand his perspective. I would never come out and say this to him as harshly as I'm sure my initial post was put across (I was venting.. ) I know I've probably come across as somewhat shallow and materialistic. I just wish I could more clearly understand his side and understand his unwillingness to at least try and understand mine !

Congrats on your upcoming wedding, I'd say your wife is an exceptionally lucky woman.

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Thanks for all the replies!

To clarify, we have shared finances for household, savings and emergencies, to which we both contribute equal amounts. And both have our own personal accounts to do with what we wish.. So not exactly shared, but not separate either. It works well and we communicate well about money!

I honestly don't love the idea of buying myself the ring, Call me (at least semi-) traditional, but I do feel that that's the one thing I would like to be special from him through this whole process. Our relationship is certainly not in jeopardy over this, and we are communicating, and more if anything, but I can't help the fact that my feelings are hurt.

I'll check out that thread! Thanks for the additional reading material !

 

[oneoftheguys]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Oh, you're not coming off as a money-grubbing girlfriend AT ALL. Everything you're saying makes total sense, though I'm predisposed to take your side on this, obviously, because I ended up making the choice you'd want made.

But yeah, I also totally see where he's coming from, and I hope you (mostly for his peace of mind) can change his mind. I remember going ring shopping the first time, finding a ring that was really sweet, beautiful, low-key, shiny, all that good-stuff. It sort of felt like a microcosm for what I wanted, and in a way that felt like my "dream ring" if that makes sense. I almost bought it, but (ever-practical) I decided to sleep (hibernate?) on it for a few weeks. In retrospect, though, now that I've bought the one that I did, I think I would really have regretted underplaying the ring.

This is obviously not my place to say, but have you thought about setting him free on this one, with just a nudge in the right direction? So much of wedding planning feels like expensive nonsense, which involves all the wrong people (e.g. parents) in super-personal stuff, and you guys are avoiding a whole lot of that (well-played). Maybe just tell him to pick out whatever he wants, and that you never want to know the price or anything else about how he got it, but that you do want it to be a romantic gesture, so that you can look down at your finger for the rest of your life and feel that connection, etc. I'd be willing to bet that the most romantic thing he'll be able to think about is giving you exactly what you want without you asking for it, but even if it's not, at least it'll be what he wanted to give, rather than what he felt was practical to give.

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Thanks, I have considered that and think that may be the route to go.

In all honesty, he hasn't even really looked into the whole ring purchase at all, other than to say "thats nice, thats not!" while I casually browse. His style and tastes tend to look more like plumbing fittings than fine jewelery!

I think he may be very surprised at the cost of diamonds, and overwhelmed at the entire process, which may be enough to have him rethink his perspective. Especially because I have a few specifics that will be that much more complicating (VERY tiny finger and a conflict free stone is important to me). I may just show him a picture and set him lose in the rabid world of jewelers! (MuaHaHa.. ) I'm sure he'd not only survive, but thrive, and perhaps we'd both end up with something we'd be happy with!

Great advise, I'll let you know how it goes over!

 

[ndc923]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I am the same way so maybe I'm biased but I see nothing wrong with your request and to be honest I've see people with incomes significantly less spend significantly more on a ring so the price in my opinion is not extravagant. I think like others said, he just doesn't see it because he looks at the practicality of it and thinks it's just a piece of jewelry. He is a guy after all and when it comes to weddings and things like this they sometimes don't get it... Lol I'm not sure I agree with buying the ring for yourself though, it takes away from the meaning and I feel like the tension in your relationship will still be there and maybe even worsen everytime you look at the ring knowing YOU purchased it and not HIM. Talk about it with him and explain what it represents to you and that it's not just a piece of jewlery, Whatever th outcome, best of luck to you!

 

[gem_anemone]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I usually side with the couple setting the budget around the amount the boyfriend is comfortable with spending and then recommending that the girlfriend contribute to get a ring more to her taste, however, the way you have explained your situation makes me annoyed with your boyfriend. $8K is less than he spends YEARLY on hobbies and this ring is meant for you, one time, for the rest of your life. If he has the means to be frivolous with money, yet he doesn't want to be frivolous with money to make YOU happy, then I see this as a red flag. I say to your BF "buck up buckaroo"...OP, you have more than convinced me that your BF can afford to splurge on this purchase and that he is being stingy.

Now if I try to see it from his point of view: Maybe he thinks $8K is a lot to spend on a 0.8-0.9 solitaire? Ahhh.... the more I read I also see conflict-free, custom to a small finger, etc so I also thought it was pricey until I read that. Did he tell you what he was comfortable spending? How far off is it from $8K? Maybe if you knew you could compromise something else to bring down the price (use a different jeweler, 4 C's etc).

 

[junebug17]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I think he may be very surprised at the cost of diamonds

I just want to say I don't think you're coming off as materialistic or shallow at all! Finances aren't an issue, and you aren't asking for anything outrageous - and this is a diamond forum, and we love diamonds here

I think your SO is probably shocked by the price tag - diamonds are expensive - I'm an older woman who's been married a while, and when I talked to my husband about upgrading and told him the price, I thought I was going to have to call 911 or get out the smelling salts lol.

I think your SO's reaction is fairly common, I think a lot of guys have that practical side that says "what??? all that money for that little thing?". A dirt bike is bigger and you can do something with it. And yeah, sometimes the sentimentality of it is a bit lost on them , at least at first.

Just throwing this out there - I don't know the prices of the diamonds you've been looking at or what your budget is, but here at PS there's a section called Rocky Talky where people help others find good quality, well-cut diamonds from on-line vendors. Many, many people have purchased from them and have been very happy. I know the thought of buying a diamond on-line can initially be scary, but on-line prices tend to be less expensive because there's no overhead so not as much mark-up as a B & M store. It's fine if you guys would rather purchase from a store, just thinking you can comparison shop a bit and learn about diamonds in the process!

Anyway, I really hope you guys can come to a resolution, and I hope your SO softens a bit on this!

 

[SMC]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Just throwing this out there - I don't know the prices of the diamonds you've been looking at or what your budget is, but here at PS there's a section called Rocky Talky where people help others find good quality, well-cut diamonds from on-line vendors. Many, many people have purchased from them and have been very happy. I know the thought of buying a diamond on-line can initially be scary, but on-line prices tend to be less expensive because there's no overhead so not as much mark-up as a B & M store. It's fine if you guys would rather purchase from a store, just thinking you can comparison shop a bit and learn about diamonds in the process!

I agree with this. You should establish a budget (whether this is a number your bf is comfortable spending or if it's a combination of his and your contribution) and head over to Rocky Talky to ask for help. There are a number of online vendors that will be able to get you more for your money than walking into a store.

I don't think your finger size should pose any complications. I have a small finger too (and so do many ppl on PS - some who have sub-3 finger sizes), and I've never encountered a vendor that told me that a ring couldn't be made in my size.

It is a lot of money for a small object, so I do understand where your FI is coming from. He probably doesn't perceive the utility that you'll get from the ring. If I were in your situation, I'll just top off the ring budget myself out of my own pocket to get the ring I want.

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Thanks for the votes of confidence. I tend to agree with all of your opinions and perspectives. It's nice to see that I'm not overreacting and am justified in my feelings (not that I needed justification, but still, I'm not alone!)

I must admit I am also ANNOYED with my boyfriend, but I do understand that he has more of a utilitarian perspective than I (or most of us when it comes to diamonds!!). The romance and meaning is a bit lost on him.. Not his fault, he just has a very typical male perspective, and unfortunately, I don't know if I'll be the one to change it.. he'll have to come to that realization on his own.

I've spent quite a bit of time perusing the forum and feel my diamond choice was well educated and informed. Part of the issue is I'm in Canada, and with export taxes, exchange rates, and shipping and handling costs, the ring itself (which is actually ~6200.00 USD) ends up being closer to 8000.00 CAD. As an FYI, our original budget was around 7000.00 CAD.

Unfortunately, finding comparables (both diamonds and settings) in Canada is tricky, as there aren't many (any) jewelers I can find with the same high quality craftmanship who specialize in antique style reproductions.. Online vendors offer the same issues as most ship from the US AND anything that isnt made IN the US, CANADA or MEXICO (most cast rings aren't) is subject to an additional 13% duty when shipped across federal north american borders according to NAFTA.

If anyone knows of anything sugestions are MORE than welcome, as I am willing to comprimise, just haven't found anything quite to my liking yet that doesnt restrict me as much.

Again thanks so much,

I appreciate all the opinions and insight!

 

[SMC]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

Where in Canada are you located? If you are in the Toronto area, it might be worth a trip to NYC to pick up from one of the benches there.

I know Blue Nile has a Canadian site. Have you checked out their prices there?

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I wish Toronto was that easy. I'm in the Yukon (ie: Next to Alaska)..

I don't make this easy on myself!

 

[JulieN]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

You decided on a budget of 7K and he's appalled at 8? I think the two easiest options are: you can have your romantic fantasy and stick to 7000, or you can be a woman with her own money and decide that you really want this and will have it. Have you gotten quotes from other vendors to see if it can be done for 7K?

 

[SMC]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I wish Toronto was that easy. I'm in the Yukon (ie: Next to Alaska)..

I don't make this easy on myself!

There are plenty of Canadian PSers in Rocky Talky who could probably give you advice on how to purchase from Canada.

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/calling-all-canadian-psers.195497/

Lets give this a try.. whis me luck

 

[CharmyPoo]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I didn't read all the responses but you are entitled to feel what you feel. I believe he doesn't value you any less .. it's simply he doesn't see the value or worth in a rock / ring on your finger. It is meaningless and can't imagine spending that much money on it.

I have a friend that on his own makes 250 K plus and spent less than 5K on the ering. It's not that he doesn't value her or want to make her happy .. he just doesn't get it.

An example is Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg's wife wears a very modest sapphire ring. The news claims it is 25K but if you look at it .. there is really no way.

 

[kat08]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I think you should sit your BF down and tell him that the ring is a special, symbolic gift that's meant to be fun and exciting. It's a one-time splurge. Tell him life is too short, and marriage is too special, not to splurge. Tell him there are always things that mean more to one person (or sometimes gender, lol) and that's okay; the important thing is that you're getting something to make each other happy… and there's the kicker. Tell him you want it to be an exchange, and that you want him to be happy because you love him (the implied being that now it's his turn to do what it takes to make you happy, too). If he brings up the inexplicably expensive nature of diamond rings again, gently remind him that value is in the eye of the beholder (and that you may not completely understand his desire for his toys, but that you accept and respect that he values them).

You'll buy him a special toy (in the same price range), and he buys you your dream ring (give him some pics and tips to guide him and turn him loose). I think that might help get him on board. The kind of guy who likes to buy an expensive toy each year likes shopping as much as anyone. Let him get something expensive out of this, too, and then he'll feel it's fair. And hopefully you guys can get on the right track again and both have some fun buying each other meaningful gifts.

Let us know how it goes!

 

[kat08]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I just wanted to add that after eleven years of marriage (a happy marriage with a few bumps along the way)--and seeing some of our friends stay married and some end their marriages--I've come to believe that a successful marriage is all about addressing each other's needs honestly. I've learned you can't change people. That sounds so simple, but it's really not. It can be a hard thing to accept. What you can do is figure out what motivates each other and problem solve ways to make both of you happy. I'm constantly putting effort into my marriage, and my husband does the same; in some ways, we're fueled by seeing each other's efforts. I sacrifice or compromise on the things that I can, and he does the same. When that's difficult to do, I try to get creative with my problem solving. But I don't compromise on the things that are most important to me, and that's a good thing. I would be resentful. But the same goes for my husband as well: I have to recognize and accept when something is important to him, even if I disagree with it or don't understand it. But whatever you do, avoid getting into battles of will. They never work out, even if they seem to in the short run (in other words, one person might give in, but if that person feels forced to give in too frequently, the resentment will eventually come out, whether it's months or years later).

From your description, I suspect that the root of his feelings are less about what a ring symbolizes in society and more about fairness. It's just a hunch. I don't know you two, and I could be wrong. But I think he might be more receptive to the ring if you're both giving gifts to each other that are meaningful to each of you. And it sounds like you can afford to do two expensive gifts, so why not? It's not like you'll be splurging all the time.

If I'm wrong, and he doesn't want to exchange gifts, then I suggest calmly explaining that this is very important to you and ask him to come up with a solution. Give him a day or two to come up with on. It sounds like you have a lot of love in your relationship, and I'm sure he'll be willing to help figure out a way for you both to be happy.

 

[missy]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

No you are not being ridiculous. Why he should care about this is that it matters to you. If something is important to one partner it should take significance to the other. That's the way a partnership should work. Your FI thinks nothing of dropping 10K (every year!) on a motorcycle (which personally I think of as a donorcycle but nevermind about that none of my business) and yet he cannot understand why the ring you will be wearing forever and always every single day cannot cost more than a fraction of what he spends on himself?

From my outside perspective and given only what you have shared with us that sounds selfish and immature on his part. Sorry if I am coming across harshly but that's exactly what I am thinking here. Not OK from my perspective and I think you need a heart to heart talk with him because while this is *just* a ring it symbolizes a lot more in your relationship. Namely how you guys will deal with future disagreements/value assessments and judgment calls. It's OK to have different points of view but what is not OK is one partner saying your POV isn't important. He can afford the ring you want and this matters to you so therefore it should be important to him to get it for you. IMO.

Hoping you guys can successfully work through this issue. This is about more than just a ring and that is why it is important to work it out to your satisfaction and allow him to see why it should matter to him if it matters to you.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

My very wonderful Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Marriage has never been overly important to either of us and we've only recently discussed the idea of marriage and an engagement ring hunt. Now my issue, I apologize if I'm divulging too much information. I'm not looking to brag, but feel it's important to the overall issue, and with the anonymity that the internet offers, hopefully its only a minor faux pas in this instance.

My boyfriend is non-traditional and understandably, overwhelmed at the thought of ring shopping, as shopping in general scares him. He asked me to go find a ring that I would love, which in turn (in theory) would provide better results for both of us!

Now, in 6 years, he has never bought me a single piece of jewellery, I'm not typical in the way that I like/expect to receive jewelery regularly. BUT I do want my engagement ring to be beautiful, timeless and a family heriloom. In all likelihood, this will be the only piece of jewelery I'll receive from him ever (minus the wedding band..). I should also mention that I have a size 3.5 finger so it's not as simple as just walking into a store and picking something. I found a suitable ring for 8100.00 and he is APPALLED by the price.. Sure, this is a lot of money BUT; (and here's where I may over divulge)

All honest opinions (brutal if required!) are welcome!

The basic rule is $2000 per yr together, so in your case he should buy you a $12K E-ring ...

 

[Julysnight]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

The basic rule is $2000 per yr together, so in your case he should buy you a $12K E-ring ... [/quote]


Wow, I only earned a $3,000 ring

 

[rsmals]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I must admit I DO like the idea of a $12000 ring!

I should say that I didn't intend to paint my boyfriend in a bad light. He is wonderful, responsible, and does countless things for me other wise. He is far from selfish in all other aspects and if I had asked him to purchase me something of the same value with a more practical application (in his eyes at least) he wouldn't have an issue. I've come to realize with him, that he's far more utilitarian than I, and most for that matter.

This HAS proven to be a great exercise for our relationship. We've talked about the issue in depth and we're trying a lot harder to understand each others perspectives. At this point, I've told him exactly what I'm looking for in terms of diamond and setting, and he's going to go on a search on his own.. Which I think will mean eventually just buying the original ring! haha

Thanks again so much for all the help and insight! I'll keep the post updated as to how this all ends!

 

[nkarma]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

I just wanted to add that after eleven years of marriage (a happy marriage with a few bumps along the way)--and seeing some of our friends stay married and some end their marriages--I've come to believe that a successful marriage is all about addressing each other's needs honestly. I've learned you can't change people. That sounds so simple, but it's really not. It can be a hard thing to accept. What you can do is figure out what motivates each other and problem solve ways to make both of you happy. I'm constantly putting effort into my marriage, and my husband does the same; in some ways, we're fueled by seeing each other's efforts. I sacrifice or compromise on the things that I can, and he does the same. When that's difficult to do, I try to get creative with my problem solving. But I don't compromise on the things that are most important to me, and that's a good thing. I would be resentful. But the same goes for my husband as well: I have to recognize and accept when something is important to him, even if I disagree with it or don't understand it. But whatever you do, avoid getting into battles of will. They never work out, even if they seem to in the short run (in other words, one person might give in, but if that person feels forced to give in too frequently, the resentment will eventually come out, whether it's months or years later).

From your description, I suspect that the root of his feelings are less about what a ring symbolizes in society and more about fairness. It's just a hunch. I don't know you two, and I could be wrong. But I think he might be more receptive to the ring if you're both giving gifts to each other that are meaningful to each of you. And it sounds like you can afford to do two expensive gifts, so why not? It's not like you'll be splurging all the time.

If I'm wrong, and he doesn't want to exchange gifts, then I suggest calmly explaining that this is very important to you and ask him to come up with a solution. Give him a day or two to come up with on. It sounds like you have a lot of love in your relationship, and I'm sure he'll be willing to help figure out a way for you both to be happy.

Just wanted to say that this is excellent advice about relationships in general. Took me quite a few years to figure this out and still working on implementing it. It is so difficult when you want something so bad and they can't see it. But it's just different wants/priorities that need to be discussed.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

The main idea I gathered from your original post is that it would make you feel good and feel loved if your boyfriend understood that he needs to take a more romantic and less frugal approach to your engagement ring.

So. He isn't going to change, and either you are going to accept that and move forward per the suggestion here that best appeals to you, OR, you are going to continue to have animosity in your relationship because you're not getting your needs met.

Are YOU willing to adapt to make the relationship and this engagement thing work? If so, then you've been given good advice as far as forgetting the romance part of things (as you think of romance, yourself) and supplying part of the funds it will take to get you your chosen ring.

There's nothing wrong with any of this. But, BUT. Either change your expectations of him, and let go of your expectation and perception of what romance is, or know that you will probably never be happy with this man because you cannot change who he is. Neither of you is right, and neither is wrong. You both need to figure it out together.

 

[missy]

Re: Am I being ridiculous? Looking for honest, objective opi

The main idea I gathered from your original post is that it would make you feel good and feel loved if your boyfriend understood that he needs to take a more romantic and less frugal approach to your engagement ring.

So. He isn't going to change, and either you are going to accept that and move forward per the suggestion here that best appeals to you, OR, you are going to continue to have animosity in your relationship because you're not getting your needs met.

Are YOU willing to adapt to make the relationship and this engagement thing work? If so, then you've been given good advice as far as forgetting the romance part of things (as you think of romance, yourself) and supplying part of the funds it will take to get you your chosen ring.

There's nothing wrong with any of this. But, BUT. Either change your expectations of him, and let go of your expectation and perception of what romance is, or know that you will probably never be happy with this man because you cannot change who he is. Neither of you is right, and neither is wrong. You both need to figure it out together.

I don't totally agree with this. How is he going to understand what her needs/wants are if she doesn't explain it to him? She shouldn't have to buy her own ER since he has the funds to do so but rather, since this is important to her he should make it a priority. In relationships one doesn't always have to see eye to eye but more importantly recognize when an issue is important to the other and therefore make it a priority simply because it is something that matters significantly to the SO.

rsmals, as I wrote before this is important because it will help set the way for how you deal with conflict/disagreement in your relationship going forward as a married couple. There will be more critical issues in your relationship for sure but this is still something that needs to be resolved satisfactorily for both. Whether that means just opening your SO's eyes to how important this is to you or vice versa I don't know. To whom is this issue most/more important? I tend to think from your posts (and only getting one side of the story ofc) it is more important to you and that is why I feel (since he has no problem spending more on his toys/himself) he should be the one to compromise on this matter. But regardless of the outcome the process is just as if not more important here. You need to be able to talk it through so you can both see all sides of the issue and figure it out together. Buying your own jewelry is great but for an ER I don't think so (unless money is the issue which it clearly is not here).