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Would you tell her he called?

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fieryred33143

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I posted in FHH about my ex-bff leaving her husband. Long story short, she was very unhappy with him, he didn''t want to change, so she left. She told him she was leaving in May and instead left last weekend while he was out vacationing with his son.

I just got a call from him and we, or rather he, talked for about 30 minutes.

He called first to apologize to me for "pushing her away"
20.gif
.

He then went on to say pretty much the same thing over and over: he loves her, hates that he didn''t change, didn''t appreciate what he had until she was gone, best thing that ever happened to him, his kids are hurt, he''s hurt, etcetera etcetera
20.gif
.

I''m no dummy. I know the call was his way of trying to get me to talk her into calling him. I was very honest with him. I told him he has issues. I told him she has issues. Two people with issues = disaster. And my unprofessional advice to him was to work on his issues for his current (kids) and future relationship.

20.gif


She and I have been talking. Would you tell her that he called? I don''t know if it''ll make her want to call him since she''s attempting to cut all communication for the time being.
 

jewelz617

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I''d tell her but just keep it vague. Don''t go into detail. If she wants to get in touch with him she''s an adult and it''s her call. Sounds like she probably won''t call him though.

The only reason I''d say tell her is you don''t want her to find out you spoke to him and think you''re somehow going behind her back.
 

princesss

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Date: 3/30/2010 12:18:10 PM
Author:fiery
I posted in FHH about my ex-bff leaving her husband. Long story short, she was very unhappy with him, he didn''t want to change, so she left. She told him she was leaving in May and instead left last weekend while he was out vacationing with his son.

I just got a call from him and we, or rather he, talked for about 30 minutes.

He called first to apologize to me for ''pushing her away''
20.gif
.

He then went on to say pretty much the same thing over and over: he loves her, hates that he didn''t change, didn''t appreciate what he had until she was gone, best thing that ever happened to him, his kids are hurt, he''s hurt, etcetera etcetera
20.gif
.

I''m no dummy. I know the call was his way of trying to get me to talk her into calling him. I was very honest with him. I told him he has issues. I told him she has issues. Two people with issues = disaster. And my unprofessional advice to him was to work on his issues for his current (kids) and future relationship.

20.gif


She and I have been talking. Would you tell her that he called? I don''t know if it''ll make her want to call him since she''s attempting to cut all communication for the time being.
Nope, I wouldn''t. That call was manipulative as h-e-double hockey sticks and you''re playing into his hands if you tell her.

Don''t be a pawn in his game.
 

April20

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I wouldn''t. If he wants to know these things, he should contact her directly instead of going thru you and if she wants to listen, she will. He''s being manipulative in contacting you. I wouldn''t play his games.
 

movie zombie

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i''d tell him that i wasn''t going to take sides and that for what he''s wanting, he should go to a counselor to work on his issues and then try for marriage counseling. why be a part of this "game"?

mz

ps why are you talking to him about his relationship with her? set limits. its inappropriate. why is he apologizing you you for pushing her away?! the more i think about it the more i think he''s a douche.
 

MonkeyPie

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I agree with princesss. If she is honestly trying to cut ties with him completely then there''s no reason to tell her about the call. If she somehow finds out about it down the road, it shouldn''t be a big deal - let her know HE was the one that called and you didn''t tell her because she was trying to separate from him.
 

fieryred33143

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Date: 3/30/2010 12:31:32 PM
Author: movie zombie
i''d tell him that i wasn''t going to take sides and that for what he''s wanting, he should go to a counselor to work on his issues and then try for marriage counseling. why be a part of this ''game''?

mz

ps why are you talking to him about his relationship with her? set limits. its inappropriate. why is he apologizing you you for pushing her away?! the more i think about it the more i think he''s a douche.
He tried to get me to talk to him about when she made it to Cali and if she was ok. I told him that I didn''t know which wasn''t true, I do know.

He said he apologized for pushing her away because he kept her from me, kept her to himself
20.gif
20.gif
.

He''s very manipulative, that I know. And I know he was using me to get through to her because he has tried calling her and she refuses to answer.
 

Lauren8211

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Date: 3/30/2010 12:28:27 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 3/30/2010 12:18:10 PM
Author:fiery
I posted in FHH about my ex-bff leaving her husband. Long story short, she was very unhappy with him, he didn''t want to change, so she left. She told him she was leaving in May and instead left last weekend while he was out vacationing with his son.

I just got a call from him and we, or rather he, talked for about 30 minutes.

He called first to apologize to me for ''pushing her away''
20.gif
.

He then went on to say pretty much the same thing over and over: he loves her, hates that he didn''t change, didn''t appreciate what he had until she was gone, best thing that ever happened to him, his kids are hurt, he''s hurt, etcetera etcetera
20.gif
.

I''m no dummy. I know the call was his way of trying to get me to talk her into calling him. I was very honest with him. I told him he has issues. I told him she has issues. Two people with issues = disaster. And my unprofessional advice to him was to work on his issues for his current (kids) and future relationship.

20.gif


She and I have been talking. Would you tell her that he called? I don''t know if it''ll make her want to call him since she''s attempting to cut all communication for the time being.
Nope, I wouldn''t. That call was manipulative as h-e-double hockey sticks and you''re playing into his hands if you tell her.

Don''t be a pawn in his game.
Dittoooooo!

He''s a sneaky little bastard!
 

yssie

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He called you and wanted you to "psych her out" by telling her about his call? Isn''t that what we used to do in highschool..?
14.gif



I don''t think he''s manipulative at all - to be manipulative, you''ve got to be fooling someone. Don''t play.. you grew up, I grew up, we all grew up, time for the two of them to try it.
 

susimoo

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Date: 3/30/2010 12:45:05 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Date: 3/30/2010 12:28:27 PM

Author: princesss


Date: 3/30/2010 12:18:10 PM

Author:fiery

I posted in FHH about my ex-bff leaving her husband. Long story short, she was very unhappy with him, he didn''t want to change, so she left. She told him she was leaving in May and instead left last weekend while he was out vacationing with his son.


I just got a call from him and we, or rather he, talked for about 30 minutes.


He called first to apologize to me for ''pushing her away''
20.gif
.


He then went on to say pretty much the same thing over and over: he loves her, hates that he didn''t change, didn''t appreciate what he had until she was gone, best thing that ever happened to him, his kids are hurt, he''s hurt, etcetera etcetera
20.gif
.


I''m no dummy. I know the call was his way of trying to get me to talk her into calling him. I was very honest with him. I told him he has issues. I told him she has issues. Two people with issues = disaster. And my unprofessional advice to him was to work on his issues for his current (kids) and future relationship.


20.gif



She and I have been talking. Would you tell her that he called? I don''t know if it''ll make her want to call him since she''s attempting to cut all communication for the time being.

Nope, I wouldn''t. That call was manipulative as h-e-double hockey sticks and you''re playing into his hands if you tell her.


Don''t be a pawn in his game.

Dittoooooo!


He''s a sneaky little bastard!

THIS!!

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Support your friend. You can''t do that if you are going to become involved in their communication. Leave this conversation in the past, where it belongs!

Good luck, you sound like a good friend.
36.gif
 

Callisto

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I think I''m gonna go with PinkAsscher on this one though I agree its a tricky situation. If has been trying to call her and she''s not answering then I would tell her that he called you. If he contacted you instead of her that might be different and sound more manipulative but if I couldn''t get a hold of my SO I would call his friends too and not to be manipulative.

I think PinkAsscher has a point in saying your friend is a grown woman. If she''s already ignoring his calls, you telling her he called isn''t going to suddenly change her stance about not talking to him. Who knows, maybe she''ll want you to just tell him she''s ok and that she''ll call him when she''s ready.

I''m not a big fan of hiding things even if they may seem like its for someone else''s good.

Also I agree you should be a bit vague about it- just inform her he called and was concerned she was ok, I''d be pretty brief on the details of his lame sell wallowing.
 

NewEnglandLady

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Date: 3/30/2010 12:45:05 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 3/30/2010 12:28:27 PM
Author: princesss


Date: 3/30/2010 12:18:10 PM
Author:fiery
I posted in FHH about my ex-bff leaving her husband. Long story short, she was very unhappy with him, he didn''t want to change, so she left. She told him she was leaving in May and instead left last weekend while he was out vacationing with his son.

I just got a call from him and we, or rather he, talked for about 30 minutes.

He called first to apologize to me for ''pushing her away''
20.gif
.

He then went on to say pretty much the same thing over and over: he loves her, hates that he didn''t change, didn''t appreciate what he had until she was gone, best thing that ever happened to him, his kids are hurt, he''s hurt, etcetera etcetera
20.gif
.

I''m no dummy. I know the call was his way of trying to get me to talk her into calling him. I was very honest with him. I told him he has issues. I told him she has issues. Two people with issues = disaster. And my unprofessional advice to him was to work on his issues for his current (kids) and future relationship.

20.gif


She and I have been talking. Would you tell her that he called? I don''t know if it''ll make her want to call him since she''s attempting to cut all communication for the time being.
Nope, I wouldn''t. That call was manipulative as h-e-double hockey sticks and you''re playing into his hands if you tell her.

Don''t be a pawn in his game.
Dittoooooo!

He''s a sneaky little bastard!
Agreed.

If he were an adult and wanted to talk with her, he would call her. Or more accurately, work on his issues first, then call her many months later.

But he''s a child, so he tried the manipulation tactic. I would not let her know he called. It''s irrelevant.
 

Callisto

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Date: 3/30/2010 1:10:32 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Date: 3/30/2010 12:45:05 PM

Author: elledizzy5


Date: 3/30/2010 12:28:27 PM

Author: princesss



Date: 3/30/2010 12:18:10 PM

Author:fiery

I posted in FHH about my ex-bff leaving her husband. Long story short, she was very unhappy with him, he didn''t want to change, so she left. She told him she was leaving in May and instead left last weekend while he was out vacationing with his son.


I just got a call from him and we, or rather he, talked for about 30 minutes.


He called first to apologize to me for ''pushing her away''
20.gif
.


He then went on to say pretty much the same thing over and over: he loves her, hates that he didn''t change, didn''t appreciate what he had until she was gone, best thing that ever happened to him, his kids are hurt, he''s hurt, etcetera etcetera
20.gif
.


I''m no dummy. I know the call was his way of trying to get me to talk her into calling him. I was very honest with him. I told him he has issues. I told him she has issues. Two people with issues = disaster. And my unprofessional advice to him was to work on his issues for his current (kids) and future relationship.


20.gif



She and I have been talking. Would you tell her that he called? I don''t know if it''ll make her want to call him since she''s attempting to cut all communication for the time being.

Nope, I wouldn''t. That call was manipulative as h-e-double hockey sticks and you''re playing into his hands if you tell her.


Don''t be a pawn in his game.

Dittoooooo!


He''s a sneaky little bastard!

Agreed.


If he were an adult and wanted to talk with her, he would call her. Or more accurately, work on his issues first, then call her many months later.


But he''s a child, so he tried the manipulation tactic. I would not let her know he called. It''s irrelevant.


But he HAS called her and she won''t answer, which she has every right not to, but he may just want to make sure she''s ok. I agree he probably needs to work on his issues before he tries to mend this relationship, but if I had majorly screwed up with SO and he left and wouldn''t answer my calls I would totally call his friends and family just to make sure wherever he was, he was ok.
 

LilyKat

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Joined
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Messages
835
I wouldn't. You'd be playing right into his hands.

They are adults and can sort it out between themselves. If he calls again, politely interrupt his heart-rending sob story and tell him you prefer to stay out of it.

Callisto - I get what you're saying, but if he just wanted to know if she was ok, he could have just asked that. No need for all the other emotional blackmail Fiery reported in her post. And she probably ISN'T ok if her marriage has just broken down - he knows that already. I'm not buying it...
 

swingirl

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Respect you friend''s wishes. She doesn''t want any communication with him.

Just because he wants to know that she arrived in Cali doesn''t mean he gets to find out. That is her information to share or not share.
 

Callisto

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lilykat and swingirl - I totally see your side, but I don''t think you are rewarding him for telling her he called, I think it''s just being an honest friend to her. I''ve had friends decide to not tell me information relating to me in the past "for my own good" and I ended up just being upset that they didn''t give me all the information so I could determine what was "my own good" by myself.

I agree there was no need for his sob story - but no matter how big of a jerk he is he''s probably a little shaken up from his wife leaving him and is probably just trying to deal with it which may account for his inappropriate ramblings to fiery.

If he calls again definitely respectfully end the conversation to avoid this problem again.
 

kittybean

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Don''t facilitate his manipulation--he is trying to use you to get around the wall that your friend decided to put up. I think there''s no need for you to tell her about the call. That would indicate, IMO, that you somehow want them to communicate or get back together when that''s clearly not the case.
 

Hera

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Messages
2,403
I''d tell her. Her relationship is her own and she''s the adult that gets to make decisions about her relationship.
 

VRBeauty

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I would abort any future calls from him, but I''d also let her know that he''s calling around trying to get information about where she is now. I think she needs to know that he''s going to these lengths.
 

zoebartlett

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I wouldn''t say anything to your friend. It sounds like he''s being manipulative and that''s not cool. It might be best for them to work on their issues (whatever they are) separately and then maybe reevaluate things once they''re in a better/healthier place.
 

zoebartlett

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Messages
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I wouldn''t say anything to your friend. It sounds like he''s being manipulative and that''s not cool. It might be best for them to work on their issues (whatever they are) separately and then maybe reevaluate things once they''re in a better/healthier place.
 

Porridge

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I would tell her. I just don''t feel comfortable keeping secrets like that from friends. But he is a sneak, and it was manipulative, so I would tell her your thoughts on the whole thing. Maybe not go into detail. Then I would let her make up her own mind.

I would not enter into conversation with him again. I agree with MZ that it''s inappropriate. Also, make sure you don''t get stuck in the middle between these two! That can only end badly
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movie zombie

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Date: 3/30/2010 1:52:20 PM
Author: swingirl
Respect you friend''s wishes. She doesn''t want any communication with him.

Just because he wants to know that she arrived in Cali doesn''t mean he gets to find out. That is her information to share or not share.
bingo! and we have a winner!

if he''s calling her and she won''t answer, that means she wants no communication with him. you''ll be undermining her resolve to get this douche out of her life if you tell her.

mz

ps take your cue from her: she''s not answering his calls, i''d say that you shouldn''t be either. decide which one you want to be friends with and act accordingly.
 

missy

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Date: 3/30/2010 7:07:26 PM
Author: movie zombie
Date: 3/30/2010 1:52:20 PM

Author: swingirl

Respect you friend''s wishes. She doesn''t want any communication with him.


Just because he wants to know that she arrived in Cali doesn''t mean he gets to find out. That is her information to share or not share.

bingo! and we have a winner!


if he''s calling her and she won''t answer, that means she wants no communication with him. you''ll be undermining her resolve to get this douche out of her life if you tell her.


mz


ps take your cue from her: she''s not answering his calls, i''d say that you shouldn''t be either. decide which one you want to be friends with and act accordingly.


I agree 100% with this.
Respect your friend''s wishes and don''t allow him to manipulate you.
 

PumpkinPie

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Date: 3/30/2010 3:48:33 PM
Author: VRBeauty
I would abort any future calls from him, but I''d also let her know that he''s calling around trying to get information about where she is now. I think she needs to know that he''s going to these lengths.


I can see both sides of this story in terms of what to do - but I think I agree most with this.
 

PumpkinPie

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Messages
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and don''t speak to him again - if he calls, politely tell him that you''re not interested in being in the middle of their problems, wish him well, and hang up.
 

IloveAsschers13

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Joined
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Messages
896
This reminds me of the ben folds song "landed"

I would not tell her. I am sure he has been trying to get in contact with her and as many others have said you would just be playing into his game. If she wants to talk to him, she will.
 

Munchkin

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Joined
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Messages
540
I would tell her he called you looking for information on her. That way, she is aware the call took place, yet you can hopefully avoid having to recount his whole "I''m sorry" song and dance. Additionally, she can remind other loved ones not to share any info should he contact them.

***My concern is how things can end up if you don''t tell her about the call at all.*** Worst case scenario: She actually falls for his "I miss you" garbage again and gives him a second chance. (Goodness knows it happens!) He mentions that while they were separated, you and he had a long phone call. Lo and behold - in her blindness she blames and punishes YOU for the call ever happening.

In summation, I wouldn''t hide it and I would tell her that it made you uncomfortable and seemed inappropriate.

*I can''t figure out how to "bold" on my mac so I used stars... sorry!
 

Allison D.

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Joined
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Messages
2,282
No, I wouldn''t tell her.

The fact that he called you doesn''t now obligate you to be a go-between.

If she asks "has he tried to call you", then I wouldn''t lie - I''ll tell her "yes, he called and I told him he needed to get his @#$@ together. End of story." If she asks why you didn''t volunteer the information to her? "I''m not going to be the go-between; if he wants to speak with you, he should do it directly to you and not through me. Same for you - if you want to talk to him, it''s to him, not through me."
 

iota15

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Joined
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Messages
1,278
Holy geez! Everyone seems so split on whether or not you should tell her. This must be driving you insane.

Okay, these are my thoughts and what I gather from the other posts:

Do NOT tell her because:

1. You'll be playing into his manipulative games;
2. She has shown she doesn't want to talk to him.

DO tell her because:

1. You're her friend (or is she an ex-friend? you wrote "ex-bff");
2. She's a big girl and can decide for herself what to do;
3. You won't have to hold an unecessary secret from her;
4. Assuming you have one, your friendship won't blow up, if and likely when, she finds out you spoke to him for half an hour from another source; and
5. Holding it from her shows you don't believe she has the strength to stay away, and/or hold any respect for her as individual to resist such obvious manipulative attempts by him (even if either propositions are true, I would still be offended).

You don't have to tell her what went on in the conversation (and really, half an hour with him is a long time), unless she really wants to know. Just say, "Your ex-husband called me. He obviously can't get hold of you, so he called me. I know you're not talking to him but I thought I'd just let you know". If she wants to know more, she'll ask. Why hold a secret from her unnecessarily. What if your friend calls in a few weeks and says, "I don't understand why this and this happened in our relationship" and the ex-hubby had provided you with an answer of sorts in your conversation.

Yes, hubby is being manipulative by going through you. You're not exactly an unwilling pawn by listening to him go on and on, and then giving him advice for the future. If you want to stay out of it, stay out of it. But now that you're sort of in it, I would be PO'd if my friend did not at least respect me enough to let me know he called. For all you know, she might just say, "Oh, that's nice" and move on.

If she asks, "What did he want?" Assuming you truly want to stay out of it, tell her: "He wanted to talk but really, I think he just wants you to call him. I don't want to get in the middle of this - so if you want to talk to him, give him a call". (Repeat that last part at least a couple of times.) You're not telling her anything she doesn't already know - Hubby has been trying to contact her. It's her choice at that point whether to keep pressing on.

Similarly, it's her choice whether to buy into this manipulative BS, which he layed on you because you listened for so long. Each person has their own journey and they should be given the opportunity to make their own choices. She can choose to ask no more, she can call him, or she can keep pressing you for information. This isn't your choice to make for her. In her case, she can only continue to be manipulated by him if she wants to be. She might surprise you.
 
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