Uncomfortable conversation with my friend today

[LaraOnline]

Okay, so I'm sitting with my gf at her house, I don't tend to visit that much as I'm not really totally socially oriented.

My friend, on the other hand, is highly socially motivated and is constantly catching up with people, some of whom I know and would also call my 'friend'. I just don't have the time or interest.

Somehow she got on to the topic of my jewellery (which does tend to come up quite a bit with her) and I got progressively embarrassed for us both.

She told me that she was surprised at the amount of money I spent on myself, and .... well, it went on...
To my utter suprise she started tallying up her estimate of the money I was wearing in jewellery while we were standing out the front of her house!
I probably should tell you what I was wearing: my e-ring, plain gold wedder and semi-eternity 10 pointer ring; a coloured sapphire channel-set bracelet; my RHR; earrings. that's it. but after speaking with her I took off my e-ring and put it in my handbag, where it remains.

One thing that made me feel quite cross was that at the time of my last diamond aquisition she was inordinately interested, and asked me flat out what it cost. At the time I gave her a nominal amount, to end THAT conversation (nearly a year ago). I was bowled over when she announced this figure today! I couldn't believe she had actually remembered!? and yet come to think of it she has brought it up a couple of times since.

I don't think she meant any (or much) harm over it, but I really didn't enjoy the conversation and - well, I wanted to get your take on this.
More importantly, how do I head her off at the pass in the future?
And...does she discuss me and my sparklies with her other friends that I occasionally bump into?

 

[JewelFreak]

Awkward indeed, Lara, and horrible execrable taste on her part! Did she grow up in a barn? No, animals are more polite & never ask!

When I have something new, I emphasize that, thanks to PS, I find gems at a much lower price than from a B&M store. Never necessary to give a number even if someone asks -- just say, "Oh, I've learned what to look for & where to go for a fraction of retail prices, it's super, blah blah." It's true -- though the fraction may be a big one, you don't need to say that. Without a pause I start into "Look at the cut, see this? and that? Dispersion...Color...." pretty soon their eyes glaze & you can change the subject.

As for commenting on how you spend your money, I'd simply tell her that makes you uncomfortable -- everybody has something, whether it's vacations, clothes, cars, wine, a big house. Jewelry is your thing & what you do with your income is nobody's business but yours -- as you feel about whatever she spends on.

Sounds like a wee bit of envy to me, sorry to say. If she continues with this, maybe you'd feel better steering clear of her. Hope she gets the message!
'
--- Laurie

 

[OreoRosies86]

I believe this tends to be a personality quirk with some people, they really do not have boundaries when it comes to the concept that finances are a personal matter. In generally tough economic times it becomes a source of fascination.

However if she is otherwise a good friend and you don't sense malicious intent, why not just be straight with her? "All this money talk is making me uncomfortable. How are the kids/dog/job?"

 

[Smith1942]

I agree with JewelFreak that it sounds like envy. This person isn't a friend of yours, she's a frenemy, and yes she probably does discuss you with others. See, I don't have friends like this. When someone goes funny on me, they're out. It's a clear signal that despite being outwardly your friend, they are not on your side. I've got no time for this and life's too short to deal with that crap. I think I've got a small circle of loyal friends due to this zero-tolerance policy. And, with people like this, I don't confront or make a scene - I just slip away and basically never contact them again. This "friend" sounds very weird and not worth your time. Alternatively, you could be naughtier about it, as I have been on occasion, and gush about all your new jewellery purchases. Get a CZ and tell her all about it and how much it cost.

In general though, I don't think it is very socially acceptable to spend lots of money on yourself, if you're a woman. Circe wrote something on here about when men spend big, that's OK, but when women do it we are cast as children begging for sweets, or something similar, she said. I agreed entirely. Only a few weeks ago I was in the UK buying my fab new ring and my mother was all "Oh, I want, I want" like she used to say when I was little and wanted something!! The fact that I'm 39 and we can well afford these things, as she knows, seems to mean nothing to her. As a woman, you're supposed to suffer and be self-flagellating, you see. You're supposed to be saving every spare penny to spend on your precious children, whether you have them, want them, or not, and I do think that many people think it's just "unseemly" for a woman to spend a lot of money on herself. I think it's primitive; the tribe is uncomfortable with women putting themselves first, because - in cavepeople terms - when she starts focusing on herself, the propagation of the species is threatened. Resources spent on herself are resources not spent on the health and safety of the future generation. I think it's THAT primitive, I really do. (Part of the reason I think this is because of society's reactions to women who choose not to have children. The reason so many people, including my own parents, are weird about this choice is purely primitive - that choice threatens the tribe. I can't think of any other reason why so many people mind so much about women not having kids.) So, I have experienced the residual cave attitudes that we still have towards women and their role as maker of humans, and I think female adornment is tied up with these attitudes. Your frenemy may not even know why your purchases make her so uncomfortable. I am very careful about how I show off my jewellery. When men spend on themselves, people indulge them as big boys and their boytoys, but when a woman does it, it's the height of selfishness.

I know that one shouldn't have to edit oneself for the sake of others, but sometimes it's prudent, if they are in a position to cause you problems. If someone asks you about your jewellery and you can detect any hint of a green mist about them, you could always say you inherited it. I have done this, I think.

Oh, if the relatives knew how much money I've spent on myself in the last 2-3 years

 

[dk168]

I do not know enough of the OP in order to comment on her circumstances, therefore, what I am about to write is general comments as I see fit

So what if one spends money on oneself? It is one's money to do as one pleases!

I seldom discuss the value of anything with anyone, having learnt a bitter lesson when I casually disclosed my salary to a colleague and she used it to try and get more money for herself.

I was quite green at the time and had only worked in the public sector where everyone knew what everyone else was earning.

I was the newest recruit to join a private company, and she and I were on the same grade, and she was earning less than I was at the time.

I got a severe ticking off from my then boss, informing me that it was not the norm to disclose salary information to other people within the private sector, and my indiscretion had caused issues for him, etc. etc...

I do not answer any direct questions on how much I had spent on something, and would refer the enquirer to go and search on the web for information instead.

I also avoid anyone who puts a lot of emphasis on monetary value of objects, as I find them too shallow for my liking. I can honestly say all those that are closest to me are not motivated by money alone, and are not green-eyed monsters.

So yes to the OP, I too would feel uncomfortable if I were in your situation, and would "de-friend" that person in no time!

DK

 

[iLander]

Whatever happened to "Mind your own business"?

Just tell her that.

She sounds like a jealous little twit.

 

[missy]

Whatever happened to "Mind your own business"?

Just tell her that.

She sounds like a jealous little twit.

Ditto iLander!

Lara- she doesn't sound like a friend. From this behavior she seems petty and jealous and judgmental. 3 qualities that aren't good friend material IMO but I guess that's me being judgmental lol. In any case you can either choose to ignore her or confront her and only you can decide what is best for your mental health and well being. Life is too fragile, difficult and short to surround yourself with friends who aren't supportive nurturing and loving yanno?

 

[LaraOnline]

Whatever happened to "Mind your own business"?

Just tell her that.

She sounds like a jealous little twit.

Ditto iLander!

Lara- she doesn't sound like a friend. From this behavior she seems petty and jealous and judgmental. 3 qualities that aren't good friend material IMO but I guess that's me being judgmental lol. In any case you can either choose to ignore her or confront her and only you can decide what is best for your mental health and well being. Life is too fragile, difficult and short to surround yourself with friends who aren't supportive nurturing and loving yanno?

Well I forgot to mention she's also a Christian and so spends a lot of time thinking about the 'right' way to live.
She's a little competitive so she is kind of forced into reconciling her choices with the ones she sees others adopting around her.
She's also ten years younger than me?!

I mean, I don't mind having a little bit of 'reality' in my life. I mean, if that's what she's thinking, others may be thinking also.
We live in the Aussie burbs here, and the West Australian burbs at that *dullsville*. It is a VERY middle of the road, dirty-nappies-and-dishes type of family place here, it's not a dynamic or creative or aspirational place I'm afraid.

So perhaps people will be friendlier if I give up one of my diamond rings! *sniff* I was holding on to wearing both because they are sentimental to me. Looks like the e-ring is out the window (or on a necklace chain).

 

[missy]

Ugh, I hate that you feel you must change in order to fit in with small minded people Lara. I loathe self righteous people I really do. It makes me feel ill that people behave like that and I wish you could feel good about yourself and your jewelry choices without taking this self righteous petty behavior of others into account. It's none of their darn business what you choose to do with your money and for them to hide under the guise of religion to preach their thoughts has nothing to do with reality. I am sorry you are being made to feel this way...(((Hugs))) to you.

 

[LaraOnline]

Wanted to say I totally agree with Smith's idea of society trying to control women's freedom to spend where they will.
Or maybe people also feel disapproving of dad's car or dad's tinny or dad's trips with the boys, even dad's crazy business ideas or investments...but hold their tongue out of a general sense of respect and restraint?

 

[LaraOnline]

Ugh, I hate that you feel you must change in order to fit in with small minded people Lara. I loathe self righteous people I really do. It makes me feel ill that people behave like that and I wish you could feel good about yourself and your jewelry choices without taking this self righteous petty behavior of others into account. It's none of their darn business what you choose to do with your money and for them to hide under the guise of religion to preach their thoughts has nothing to do with reality. I am sorry you are being made to feel this way...(((Hugs))) to you.

maybe it's a question of taste. Missy?

Maybe where I live, a diamond ring on each hand (as in my avatar) is too much. *shrugs*

 

[Smith1942]

Totally agree with Missy. Unfortunately, there are too many people out there who think that everyone should live exactly like they do. I guess I, too, think this to an extent, like I think that all kids should study hard like I did because it would benefit their lives, and no one should lie, cheat or steal. But some people take it to the micro-level, thinking that everyone should live the same lives as them, and that is unacceptable. (I have experience of this: my parents think that anyone who doesn't live their lives exactly the way they have lived theirs is simply invalid as a person.)

The only thing you can do with people like this is say, "Sod 'em!" and do exactly what you want. At least if you are your authentic self, you'll know exactly who likes the real you!

 

[missy]

Ugh, I hate that you feel you must change in order to fit in with small minded people Lara. I loathe self righteous people I really do. It makes me feel ill that people behave like that and I wish you could feel good about yourself and your jewelry choices without taking this self righteous petty behavior of others into account. It's none of their darn business what you choose to do with your money and for them to hide under the guise of religion to preach their thoughts has nothing to do with reality. I am sorry you are being made to feel this way...(((Hugs))) to you.

maybe it's a question of taste. Missy?

Maybe where I live, a diamond ring on each hand (as in my avatar) is too much. *shrugs*

It has little to do with taste imo. One's aesthetic preferences has nothing to do with another's preferences. Why is it okay if she doesn't like your jewelry choices to make that into a character judgment? Your taste has nothing to do with your relationship. There's plenty of jewelry choices that aren't to my taste but what does that have to do with her critical comments?

I'm with Smith. Sod em all.

 

[PintoBean]

LaraOnline - keep rocking your jewelry! You have great taste, which is what your friend notices.

I have found myself behaving as your friend has in the past - but in private discussion with my husband about so and so... And usually it wasn't just about the jewelry + money - there was something else going on - a combo of things making me feel insecure - so it was never the friend per se, but just something I had to resolve inside ME. However, I'd NEVER point blank address a friend like the way your frenemy did. It's just beyond rude.

If you decide to socialize with her again, and she brings up figures again in a negative manner, just laugh it off, and say, "Don't worry, I am well prepared for savings/retirement, and I'm lucky that I have great taste in jewelry and a good head on my shoulders." People usually drop something if they can't get a rise out of you.

Hugs to you, LaraOnline.

P.S. - now that I'm amassing a collection of bling, my sister-in-law (wife of my hubby's twin), has sniffed and said after staring at my latest bauble, in regards to her engagement "Oh, I didn't care, I just told my husband to pick out anything but a heart shaped diamond. I'm really easy like that."
...whatEVER!

 

[baby monster]

I have a friend like that. Complete social butterfly who likes to gossip and spends money very differently from me. I know that she talks about me with others but also says things about money to me. I also don't feel she has any malicious intent so I let it slide because she has other redeeming qualities as a friend. Occasionally, she says something that goes too far so I have to push back a bit and we go back to our status quo. If you don't want to give up this friendship, you need to establish boundaries of what's acceptable to talk about.

 

[canuk-gal]

Ugh, I hate that you feel you must change in order to fit in with small minded people Lara. I loathe self righteous people I really do. It makes me feel ill that people behave like that and I wish you could feel good about yourself and your jewelry choices without taking this self righteous petty behavior of others into account. It's none of their darn business what you choose to do with your money and for them to hide under the guise of religion to preach their thoughts has nothing to do with reality. I am sorry you are being made to feel this way...(((Hugs))) to you.

maybe it's a question of taste. Missy?

Maybe where I live, a diamond ring on each hand (as in my avatar) is too much. *shrugs*

It has little to do with taste imo. One's aesthetic preferences has nothing to do with another's preferences. Why is it okay if she doesn't like your jewelry choices to make that into a character judgment? Your taste has nothing to do with your relationship. There's plenty of jewelry choices that aren't to my taste but what does that have to do with her critical comments?


I am with Missy. It is rather unkind to take a "tally"--because it is very judgemental. She takes a mental snapshot of you, quantifies it into a compartment that is "you" and that is what she passes on to others. It becomes gossip. This lady doesn't have to like your choices but if she is your friend she professes, she should accept them. Because isn't that what friends, do?

cheers--Sharon

 

[ame]

She's definitely not your friend, and frankly, I'd just stop engaging with her, at all, period.

 

[iLander]

Well I forgot to mention she's also a Christian and so spends a lot of time thinking about the 'right' way to live.
She's a little competitive so she is kind of forced into reconciling her choices with the ones she sees others adopting around her.
She's also ten years younger than me?!

I mean, I don't mind having a little bit of 'reality' in my life. I mean, if that's what she's thinking, others may be thinking also.
We live in the Aussie burbs here, and the West Australian burbs at that *dullsville*. It is a VERY middle of the road, dirty-nappies-and-dishes type of family place here, it's not a dynamic or creative or aspirational place I'm afraid.

So perhaps people will be friendlier if I give up one of my diamond rings! *sniff* I was holding on to wearing both because they are sentimental to me. Looks like the e-ring is out the window (or on a necklace chain).

WHY would you ever change your behavior to satisfy others? Do you think they would change their behavior to make YOU happy? Of course not! They don't give a hoot about you, they don't care about you, or your happiness. Why are you giving people power they don't deserve. Why would you do that?

I have raised my children with the motto "Don't care what other people think of you, they don't do it very much." This has saved them from a lot of angst. I think you should repeat it to yourself several times. A flicker of a thought on their part matters to you? Why?

As for the Christian part, next time she starts yakking, just say "Judge not, lest you be judged" Matthew 7. And I think you are confusing Christian with holier-than-thou. I'll say it again; she's a twit, move on.

 

[boerumbiddy]

I was going to bring up the Bible verse Ilander mentioned. Always shocks me when some "Christians" assume their belief system allows them to judge others. Whom are you hurting with your bling? She is hurting you with her judgmental attitude. I have met many real Christians who inspire rather than criticize.

 

[TC1987]

Whatever happened to "Mind your own business"?

Just tell her that.

She sounds like a jealous little twit.

(snort!) Until I stopped to consider the average age on PS-ers, I thought this woman must surely be my ex-MIL. It's disconcerting to think that there is more than one of her out there.

eta: Ex-MIL always spent huge amounts of money on clothing, travel, expensive restaurant dinners, home decor items that got replaced every year, a new car every two years. I'd just gig her back, saying I splurge on only jewelry because then I have something that LASTS A WHILE, might increase in value, and ALWAYS has some RESALE VALUE. That would always pssher off. hehe

 

[soxfan]

Hmmm...that is a tough one, indeed. I would DEFINITELY not stop wearing my jewelry, but I get where you are coming from.

Where I live, I have by far the biggest e-ring of any of my friends and acquaintances (2.04 in a halo.) My CLOSE friends have said nothing but how beautiful it is and how awesome my husband is for getting it for me (they KNOW he has a great job and we can afford it.) But others have said stuff like "See, I could care less about diamonds, that's a kitchen for me!" (To which I said, "holy sh*t! You don't have a kitchen?)

After we move, I think my ring might be still be bigger but not obnoxiously so. But I will STILL never not wear it because it makes others uncomfortable. That is their problem, not mine.

I would talk to her and just say "you know, I don't know why you feel the need to add up what my jewelry costs, and it makes me feel uncomfortable wearing it around you. We have different tastes and different ideas about what to spend money on. It shouldn't matter in regards to our friendship."

I guess the ONLY time I would pass judgement on someone for having a lot of expensive jewelry, is if their bills weren't being paid or their kids were being neglected, etc. She's crossing a boundary she shouldn't...

 

[soxfan]

And...does she discuss me and my sparklies with her other friends that I occasionally bump into?

I would say emphatically YES!

 

[kenny]

Whatever happened to "Mind your own business"?

Just tell her that.

She sounds like a jealous little twit.

Ditto iLander!

Lara- she doesn't sound like a friend. From this behavior she seems petty and jealous and judgmental. 3 qualities that aren't good friend material IMO but I guess that's me being judgmental lol. In any case you can either choose to ignore her or confront her and only you can decide what is best for your mental health and well being. Life is too fragile, difficult and short to surround yourself with friends who aren't supportive nurturing and loving yanno?

Well I forgot to mention she's also a Christian and so spends a lot of time thinking about the 'right' way to live.
She's a little competitive so she is kind of forced into reconciling her choices with the ones she sees others adopting around her.
She's also ten years younger than me?!

I mean, I don't mind having a little bit of 'reality' in my life. I mean, if that's what she's thinking, others may be thinking also.
We live in the Aussie burbs here, and the West Australian burbs at that *dullsville*. It is a VERY middle of the road, dirty-nappies-and-dishes type of family place here, it's not a dynamic or creative or aspirational place I'm afraid.

So perhaps people will be friendlier if I give up one of my diamond rings! *sniff* I was holding on to wearing both because they are sentimental to me. Looks like the e-ring is out the window (or on a necklace chain).

Tell her, "People Vary".
The teachings of all religions are equally true, but only apply to their members.

Rightitis is a rampant disease and the cause of so much suffering, wars even.
IMO rightitis is a shadow we all, not just the religious, cast and something to recognize and work on.

Please don't put your jewelry away to please others.
Have self confidence.
You are a sovereign nation.
Protect your boundaries from invaders.

 

[LLJsmom]

Lara, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with all the other posters here who think you should do what makes you happy. It's your life, and no one else has to live it except you.

I have a very good friend that does not think I should buy the jewelry that I do. We agree to disagree, and I continue to do what I want to do. I am upfront about it, and wear my bling around her all the time. I invite her to gem shows. She is not rude to me and does not try to make me feel guilty. She does not focus on our difference, and it does not affect our friendship and how she treats me.

Similarly, I have many friends that will spend $3000 on a getaway weekend at the four seasons or other just fly to Cabo last minute for a week, just randomly, but would never even consider buying jewelry. I would not choose to spend my money that way. But we are all friends, and accept that we are different people and have different priorities.

Your "frenemy" is young, immature, judgmental and envious. Being a Christian does not give her a right to judge others. Quote her 1 Samuel 16:7, my husband's favorite verse.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." Maybe she should be looking at her own heart. I wonder what the Lord would find.

I would reconsider whether I would want to associate with toxic people. Our time is too precious and scarce for that.

 

[Smith1942]

LLJ - interesting post! Your friend sounds very respectful. How did you find out that she doesn't agree with the money you spend on jewellery purchases? Did you have to have words at some point, due to snarky remarks, and then it all settled into respect? With many people, they only respect boundaries once you've drawn them in fire. Just wondering how this wonderful mutual respect came about! Although, I suppose if she was truly respectful, you never would have known that she doesn't agree with the way you spend your money.

I agree about horses for courses. I think money spent on travel is stupid, personally, but I never, ever share that view, especially since many people I know are avid travellers. Travel is uncomfortable, fleeting, and costs an absolute fortune. But I would never say that. It's called good manners! I'm not friends with the socially inept such as the frenemy discussed here. They make my nerves jangle.

 

[Smith1942]

Kenny - "You are a sovereign nation. Protect your boundaries from invaders."

I love that!

 

[luvsdmb]

Whatever happened to "Mind your own business"?

Just tell her that.

She sounds like a jealous little twit.

Ditto.

 

[momhappy]

I guess that I don't really have any take on it. The conversation doesn't sound all that odd to me (between friends anyways). Some people have different boundaries than others and obviously, she's ok with chatting about such things. If it makes you uncomfortable, simply change the subject or end interactions with her entirely. Personally, it's not something that I would make a big deal about in a friendship (assuming that the rest of the friendship was fine).

 

[AprilBaby]

I would have laughed and said " did you really just ask that?" And then change the topic.

 

[LLJsmom]

LLJ - interesting post! Your friend sounds very respectful. How did you find out that she doesn't agree with the money you spend on jewellery purchases? Did you have to have words at some point, due to snarky remarks, and then it all settled into respect? With many people, they only respect boundaries once you've drawn them in fire. Just wondering how this wonderful mutual respect came about! Although, I suppose if she was truly respectful, you never would have known that she doesn't agree with the way you spend your money.

I agree about horses for courses. I think money spent on travel is stupid, personally, but I never, ever share that view, especially since many people I know are avid travellers. Travel is uncomfortable, fleeting, and costs an absolute fortune. But I would never say that. It's called good manners! I'm not friends with the socially inept such as the frenemy discussed here. They make my nerves jangle.

Hi Smith, I told my friend on one of our long runs. So I told her when I bought the big bling and she was incredulous at first. I unashamedly said "hell yeah!!". So I just explained what I told you above, so now she understands my love of jewelry. It has something to do with my background. I guess you could say I come from a rather impoverished immigrant family. We scrimped and saved for everything, and I had very little growing up. For me that made me value material goods to a certain extent, and the ability now to own something that I have always wanted. That is part of me, and I am fine with it. It doesn't rule my life but it does affect some of the choices I make. She knows that.

I understand why she doesn't look at material goods the same way. She came from a wealthy background, and that did not improve her emotionally abusive/dysfunctional family and childhood and teen years. So she does not associate material goods with happiness. I don't criticize or judge how she spends her money. It gives her joy and she is at peace with her decisions. If she is happy, then I am happy for her. She doesn't exactly understand how the bling brings me joy, but she accepts that it does. That makes sense to me because she did not go through what I went through. So she will come to a gem show with me, even if she thinks I shouldn't buy anything. I appreciate that she will try to appreciate the beauty that I see. So that is how we respect each other, even though we would not make the same decisions. I am glad she is true to herself, and won't be fake. I am happy that I feel safe to be myself and drool over gorgeous bling with her around.

Besides, it is everything each of us went through that makes us the people we are today.

Actually you bring up another little story. When I told another friend that I bought a big rock, and that my poor husband almost had a heart attack, she said "Patty would never do that!" I point blank told her I would and did. And I have no shame or qualms about spending our money that way. I explained to her why (some of what I explained above), and she understood. She hugged me, and now I have to take her to a local jeweler to upgrade her diamond studs! (probably next Saturday).