Future-in-laws getting divorced

[please help]

Hi, PSers,

I am a regular member but signed in under an anonymous name because I have a specific problem that I am afraid to have linked to my normal account...I cannot talk to anyone in my life about this and am extremely upset. I really need some help and y'all tend to have such good advice for people in need...

My fiance's parents, who have been married for 40 years, have just decided to get divorced. It is devastating for everyone--it turns out that FFIL has been drinking for a long time now and only now has it come to everyone in the family's attention. It seems that last week, he got drunk and hit FMIL (I don't know if this was the first time or what), and she woke up the next day, went to work, and hasn't returned to the house. She is staying with her mother and her sister currently, and has a temporary restraining order against him.

It is so horrible for so many reasons. FFIL is also very ill--he has MS and although he is typically pretty functional, he is getting worse, and needs a LOT of medication, including shots, several times a day. They were very set in their ways and FMIL did EVERYTHING for him. FI had to go to his house yesterday to show him how to use the washer/dryer, etc...things like that.

FFIL is BEYOND devastated and has now sworn off drinking--he just started going to AA. I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing, but although this is probably the hardest thing this family has ever encountered, I am sure that FMIL is doing the right thing for herself (though it is not my place to judge anything, of course).

FI is terrified that FFIL might kill himself. FMIL is absolutely sure that she wants to get divorced (I am sure this was a long time coming--even though I'm pretty sure no one ever thought she would actually leave). Meanwhile, FMIL is looking to get a permanent restraining order when this one runs out a week from today. That means that FFIL has had any weapons in the house forcibly removed, but of course--there are many other ways to commit suicide if that's what he decides to do. FI said that FFIL kept telling him, "there's nothing left to live for--I am giving up..." things like that yesterday.

FI of course does NOT SUPPORT what FFIL did (I believe that goes without saying), but this is still his father--and his father has NO ONE but his children (FI has a sister too). FMIL at least has her mother and sister to support her emotionally, on top of her kids, but really, FFIL has absolutely no one but FI and FSIL.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, but I am so upset and I haven't been able to talk to anyone, including and especially my mother, which is SO hard--my mom and FMIL have started to become friends and have lunch once every week or two...I know that FMIL doesn't want ANYONE to know about the domestic violence, and that family is SO secretive, I don't know that FMIL is even going to want my mom to find out about the divorce, at least until it's finalized (which could be a long time from now).

They have no money--and I am trying to help them find attorneys and praying that they can solve this amicably, since they were already SO incredibly strapped for cash...it's so hard.

Meanwhile, FI said last night, "what are we going to do about the wedding??" and of course I just said to him, "honey, one step at a time--please don't concern yourself with that now." But of course I'm quite worried about that too. We have about 7 months before we get married, but if the restraining order is finalized, we will not be allowed to have both of his parents in attendance...so horrible! I know that our wedding is THE LAST THING any of them needs to be worrying about--but it got me to thinking, and I was wondering...what will we do?

Of course, I am focused on helping them both get out of this as unscathed as possible, and we will deal with the wedding situation when we absolutely have to...but has anyone encountered or heard of anything like this happening? Or does anyone have any advice??

I am sorry for being so hysterical...I am just so worked up and emotionally distraught. Thank you for getting through this if you have...it is very much appreciated...

 

[purrfectpear]

Their problems are their problems. The two of them will sort out who lives where, etc.

As for FFIL possibly committing suicide, there isn''t much your FI can do. You need to live your own lives. He should support where he can (like teaching him how to do laundry).

I think you''re sort of in shock, but believe me this will get worked out without your involvement

As to the wedding and the restraining order, sorry but the drunk and abuser is the one to stay home. It might have been a one time deal but it still happened.

 

[Haven]

I understand your concern and your fear, Please Help.

My father left my mother in September, it was two months after my own wedding, and 30 years after my parents' wedding. It was shocking, and scary, and it brought up a lot of difficult issues for me as a daughter, a sister, and a new wife.

The best thing you can do is be there for your FI, I imagine this is going to be tough for him. And be there for your FFIL and FMIL as a daughter-in-law. You cannot be their mediator, therapist, or financial planner. You can only be their family.

I agree with PP that they will have to sort the details out on their own, and they will. In the meantime, be a good DIL. Invite them over for meals, spend time with them, and just be there for them as a family member. If you get involved with the dramatic details and whatnot, you won't be doing anyone any good.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Snicklefritz]

Oh my goodness...I''m so sorry to hear about all of this. It must be soooo difficult to carry this around with you all day.
Not to panic you more, but from my perspective, the most important thing to do right now is assess FFIL''s possible suicidality.

Here''s what needs to be determined, and it would probably be better if a professional were to do this:
1. Does he actually want to die, or does he just feel like he can''t go on living this way (i.e. drinking, alone, in pain) anymore? If he actually wants to die, proceed to number 2.
2. Does he have a plan for killing himself? If so, what is it?
3. Does he have access (or plan to get access) to the necessary materials(i.e. drugs, etc) to kill himself?

Meeting any of these criteria is dangerous, and requires the attention of a mental health professional, but if he meets all of them he has a very high risk for suicide, and he would need to be immediately hospitalized.

Best of luck to you, your FI and his family...hope everything turns out okay.

 

[decodelighted]

Yeesh. Awful situation. I''m sorry!! Re: the suicide threats ... *if* FFIL is making threats of suicide to your FI, I believe that he can call 911 and have his father placed into protective custody ... like a 24 or 48 psych hold for evaluation. Someone close to me was refusing medical attention when they were very ill & it only took cops coming to the house & *threatening* to intervene to finally get him to the hospital. Not sure what would happen *afterwards* -- but then medical/psych professionals are involved ... way more equipped than your FI probably is to guide/help/assess FFIL.

Unfortunately people have to want to help themselves though -- in the long run. I''d say just support your FI as best you can & help him realize that his parents are not his responsibility. They are adults and they should be the ones doing the advising. Its an awful helpless feeling to not be able to control how other people feel or act etc -- when they''re so unwilling to help themselves/hopeless.

GOOD LUCK. HUGS!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

What an awful situation. I am so sorry to hear that this going on in your life...I cannot imagine the stress and termoil and heartache attached to it all. To ditto the other postings, this is their issue...but I cannot help but to understand how sometimes the issues of those we love weigh heavily on us too.

I think first and foremost you need to be a source of support for your FI. I am sure you are. Your post spoke of someone deeply aware of his feelings. Maybe suggesting he seek professional support for himself would be a good launch pad. I know not everyone has warm feelings about therapy, but finding an alcohol addiction specialist in your area might be a good place to not only voice fears, but also seek support for and upcoming issues and responsibilities.

Also, supporting his mom is probably really important too. When you said that they were set in their ways, the fact she left speaks volumes about her inner strenght and self worth. By leaving she stood up for herself and that''s a wonderful thing. Women aren''t punching bags, and men need to know that.

Anyway, I will keep you in my thoughts and I am wishing for the best for you and your family.

 

[Loves Vintage]

The medications that your FFIL take for the MS could have contributed to this situation, especially if combined with alcohol. Was he recently prescribed steroids by chance? Steroids can have a dramatic deleterious effect on one's behavior. His treating neurologist should recommend a therapist, and I hope that he is in touch with his neurologist, particularly if your FMIL was the person who was giving him his injectable medications. I don't think he should cease these meds without a doctor's supervision.

And, I agree with Deco. If there is any chance that he is serious about suicide, I would call 911 and take steps to have him admitted until he is stablized.

 

[Scorpioanne]

Date: 4/27/2009 1:45:50 PM
Author: Snicklefritz
Oh my goodness...I''m so sorry to hear about all of this. It must be soooo difficult to carry this around with you all day.
Not to panic you more, but from my perspective, the most important thing to do right now is assess FFIL''s possible suicidality.

Here''s what needs to be determined, and it would probably be better if a professional were to do this:
1. Does he actually want to die, or does he just feel like he can''t go on living this way (i.e. drinking, alone, in pain) anymore? If he actually wants to die, proceed to number 2.
2. Does he have a plan for killing himself? If so, what is it?
3. Does he have access (or plan to get access) to the necessary materials(i.e. drugs, etc) to kill himself?

Meeting any of these criteria is dangerous, and requires the attention of a mental health professional, but if he meets all of them he has a very high risk for suicide, and he would need to be immediately hospitalized.

Best of luck to you, your FI and his family...hope everything turns out okay.

I agree with what Snicklefritz has said and I would add that you might want to see about having a mental health warrant sworn so that your FFIL will be required to be hospitalised for an assessment. Here in Canada you can have one sworn if you think an individual is a danger to themselves or others.

 

[mrscushion]

Gosh, I am so, so sorry that this is going on. You and your FI are in my thoughts.

 

[lulu]

Have they ever been in counselling? Would FMIL be open to the possibility?

 

[please help]

Thank you all for being so kind and responding with such compassion.

purrfectpear: You are right about me staying out of it--I intend to as much as possible. I will help them find lawyers and then I will duck out gracefully (or as gracefully as possible). I tend to agree with you about the wedding, but I imagine we will have to deal with that one day at a time. I feel very close to FMIL and feel very protective of her, but they are both FI''s parents and I have to at least act compassionately toward both of them (even if I don''t feel that way) in order to support him.

Haven: I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your family situation--that must be so difficult for you. You are so right, and I am trying to be there for them as family as much as I can. As I mentioned briefly--they are extremely secretive people and do not like their business out in the open (I''m not supposed to even know about the domestic violence), so I must tread very lightly. I will do what I can for them and let them know that I am there for whatever I can do. I wish you and your family the best as well.

Snicklefritz: Thank you so much for your insight. As far as those questions--I truly don''t know. FI is extremely worried about him, and I think with good reason, though I have not yet communicated with FFIL myself. I do think it''s entirely possible that he wants to die, though I do not know exactly how he would go about it (FI suggested he might poison himself or something like that--which yes, he would be able to do, most definitely). FI decided that he would continue talking with him several times a day to start off and assess how serious the situation is before he jumps into trying to commit him to a hospital. It is such a sad situation, and I really do hope FFIL is able to pull himself out of this (though, if I''m honest, if it weren''t my FI''s father, I would not feel so sympathetic).

decodelighted: You are absolutely right--it is a scary feeling and I am trying to be as supportive as possible. It is so nice to know that I can turn to PS for support for myself, too. Thank you so much.

Italiahaircolor: I would definitely suggest therapy for FI, but he has had some bad experiences with it and really would not be up for it, unfortunately. I try to do the best I can just listening to him and babying him a bit for right now. I agree about supporting FMIL too--she is such a sensitive woman, and to be quite frank, I am surprised but sort of delighted that she was able to separate from him when he did this to her. Thank you so very much for your sweet thoughts.

Loves Vintage: It is entirely possible--I don''t know what medications he is on, but I know there are a lot of them. I will definitely suggest to FI that he get in touch with FFIL''s doctors and try to get a referral for a therapist too--though he is sort of a "macho" man and might be offended at the thought. I think FFIL is able to administer the drugs to himself, but it makes it considerably more difficult. In any case, thank you for your advice--it is greatly appreciated.

Scorpioanne: Thank you for your advice! I will look into it.

mscushion: You are so kind to say so. Thank you.

lulu: I do not know if they have been in counseling before, but I have my doubts. And FI has told me that he believes that his mother is 99.99% sure of her decision and will not go back. In fact, FFIL specifically asked FI to go to FMIL and beg for her to come back, and FI said that his mother very clearly said that she will absolutely not. To be honest, I am glad. She deserves (rather, everyone) deserves better than that. I can''t imagine how much gall it must take to up and leave after 40 years of marriage--but I know that she would certainly not do something so significant (especially as get a restraining order against him) if she wasn''t extremely, extremely serious about this and ready for the relationship to end. Thank you so much for your advice.

 

[purrfectpear]

Wishing your family the best.

I didn''t mean to suggest you''d kick FFIL to the curb, just that a RO trumps everything if push comes to shove about attending the wedding.

 

[Loves Vintage]

I was suggesting therapy because I assume he is depressed and needs help to deal with this change and his disease. He may not welcome the suggestion. Perhaps he is not depressed, but desperate to get his wife back, so he was trying to guilt (with threats of self-harm) your FI into convincing his mom to go back?

Pehaps his doctor can order some home health care visits, if those might be in order. It might be helpful for him to have someone to talk to. Stress can exacerbate MS symptoms.

You seem so kind and considerate, and you're clearly trying to be as even-handed and fair as possible in this very difficult situation. Your FI and his family are very lucky to have you looking out for them. Take care.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Please Help, I''m sorry to hear your FI has had some bad experiences in therapy. Certianly not ever shrink is a good one. But, I was suggesting something more along the lines of a true addiction specialist. Often times these aren''t people with "psychology" degrees...but rather people who are certified from all different walks of life and are well versed on addiction--and that''s pretty much the only thing they deal with.

Seeing as how your FFIL is alone now, some of his care might fall to both you and your FI...so, maybe understanding how addiction works might make the responsibility a bit easier on everyone. If its not for you, I totally understand...but it''s just another source for you to consider if a lot of his recovery and care falls into your hands now.

As far as your FMIL is concerned...she is incredibly brave. It couldn''t have been an easy conclusion to come to for her, considering how sick your FFIL is. I hope she is doing well.

 

[please help]

purrfectpear: I certainly didn''t think you meant that--thank you so much for your well wishes.

Loves Vintage: I also assume he is depressed...I mentioned therapy to FI today and he said "absolutely--he is definitely going to have to go to therapy," but he said, for now, AA is going to be his therapy; in these first few days FI doesn''t think FFIL is ready to go into a therapist when he was never able to do it before. Money is extraordinarily tight for FI''s parents, as I mentioned, and so that will be difficult, but I will try and help them find someone with a sliding scale of some kind. I don''t think FFIL is actually threatening to commit suicide--it''s just something that FI is worried about, because he seems just so devastated and says he has nothing left. Thank you for the compliments--I am doing my best...and I appreciate your advice so much.

Italiahaircolor: That is a very good idea--we will see if we can try and convince FFIL that that type of therapy will help him. I certainly know that his care will be in our hands (even though FSIL lives and works much closer to him than we do, she is not emotionally close to him and has had some problems with him for quite some time). FI (who normally only speaks with his parents once every week or two weeks) has been speaking with him several times a day--and I know FI is so exhausted.

-----------------
I am concerned because FI was talking with FMIL earlier this evening, telling her that he would really like for her to think about this a little longer before she goes ahead and tries to get a final (permanent) restraining order against FFIL, and to wait before she starts going through the divorce process. FI told me that he is worried not only about his father''s physical and emotional health, but that he is afraid that when FMIL''s mother dies (she is about 81, and in so-so health), FMIL will not be able to deal, and without her husband in her life, she might go into a deep depression.

When I sort of looked at FI sideways when he said that (I just can''t help but show my feelings on my face a lot of the time), he asked what I thought--I told him that I am not one to talk, since I do not know his parents (obviously) anywhere near as well as he knows them...but that I was pretty darn sure that if his mother left like this, it was something she had been considering for a very, very long time. I said that if FFIL hit her this once, you have to imagine that in 40 years, it must have happened before. He sadly agreed...but...

FI told me that FFIL has found some people at AA who seem to all have the same type of story--that they abused alcohol, their wives left them, and then when they cleaned themselves up, their wives took them back. FI thinks that because his mom actually has left him, his father might now turn around and clean himself up. FI has suggested to his mom that she should consider that if that happens, maybe she could think about taking him back too. FFIL has sworn to FI that he will never have another drop as long as he lives...but I know enough about addiction to know that that doesn''t mean anything at this point (although I do hope it''s true, of course).

I am really worried for FMIL. I know things must have been so beyond unbearable for her to actually have left--and now I am worried that FI might now convince her to go back. I am so upset for all of them. I know I''m just an ancillary party in all this, but it is so upsetting and so hard to keep it from everyone close to me--but FI has begged me not to mention it to anyone, so I''m not (aside from all of you lovely people, of course)...

Thank you all again for "listening"...it feels so much better to get it out...

 

[megumic]

Hi Please Help. I''m sorry to hear you''re in such a tough predicament. I can reassure you, you''re not the only once facing issues such as this, and at times like these, people show their true character. I too am facing some similar difficult family issues after my own parents have been married for 40 years and it is just...devastating.

On the personal side, I think remembering that the wedding is about you is key. It''s your day to celebrate your union with your FI. Don''t let his parent''s issues overshadow your day celebrating the joining of your lives. I can tell you, I struggle with this daily as my FI and I have plans to be married soon too -- what will the guests think, who will sit where, etc. It''s devastating, but at the same time it''s what you make it. It can be a big deal and ruin everything, or you can put it to the side and remember that this day is about YOU and FI! Plus, within 7 months time, some of this will be sorted out. But I can totally understand the anxiety and worry that accompanies you at the moment.

I also think the secrecy is a very difficult part of this too. I always feel like I want to explain to people why my life is so complicated and why I''m so upset all the time, and to respect my parents privacy, I try not to share too much. The best thing you can do is be there for your FI. He needs you now more than ever and although this is complicated and tough for you, it is harder for him. He is surely feeling a mixed bag of emotions and it''s hard to sort out. I think therapy can be an important aspect to healing as it has helped me reach conclusions, understand why people behave the way they do, and to just come to terms with why I feel the way I do. But I''ll agree with other posters, the therapist needs to be the right fit.

I think most importantly, people make their own happiness. I find far too often, people hinge their happiness on someone elses happiness, or success, or presence, etc. But we are each responsible for making ourselves happy. I think crappy things happen and can foil our plan for ourselves, but that''s part of life. We''ve all got pain and hurt, but we need to continue with life. I think FMIL should not be convinced to go back; she knows herself and the situation better than anyone. She needs to make the best decision for her. Everyone deserves to be truly happy.

On the legal side of it, I have a bit of advice.

1 - Instead of formal divorce hearings, which are lengthy, expensive, and public record, I suggest divorce mediation. You still need to hire lawyers on each side to finalize the process, but there is no need to involve a judge and is done with a 3rd party objective mediator. Also, it''s not public record.

2 - When your FMIL goes for her final order of protection, she should let the judge know her son is getting married on X date and she would like to amicably attend the wedding. The judge may permit a suspension on the order for that date.

I wish you luck with this and I''m thinking about you!

 

[babysteps]

Just wanted to send a quick {hug} and so sorry that you and your FI are experiencing this sad situation - wishing good thoughts to all concerned that your FFIL gets the help that he needs and that everyone is able to move forward in a good direction.

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s possible that regarding the 40 yr. marriage that "love" might have flown the coop years ago, but FMIL stayed because it was the "right thing" to do.

Then FFIL got MS, and FMIL stayed because it was the "right thing" to do.

Then FFIL fell into alcoholism, and FMIL stayed because it was the "right thing" to do.

Then FFIL smacked her.

And FMIL said to herself, I''m stuck in a loveless marriage, with a man with MS, who drinks to excess, and now he hits me...and she left because it was the "right thing" to do. If it was just drinking she might take him back, but my money is on her wanting to leave years ago. I doubt it was love that kept her there. This was the final straw that gave her an acceptable out and I bet she never looks back.

Hopefully her son won''t guilt her into making a decision that is based on FFIL''s needs while ignoring hers. Ask him to examine his motives. It would be far more convenient for him if FMIL returned because then the rest of the family could go back to their lives and FFIL''s care would be HER problem. Could he be rationalizing her ability to deal with adversity without FFIL? I kinda hope he stays out of that part.

 

[please help]

megumic: I am so sorry to hear about your troubles...it must be so hard. I thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I agree that if FMIL decides to go back, that should be completely her own decision...I hope she makes the right decision for herself. If she does decide to do that, I believe it won''t be for a while. As far as final orders of protection go--they really cannot be reversed without SIGNIFICANT trouble and expense, and even then, they might not be. It''s awful. Also, if there is any restraining order against him (whether temporary or final), they cannot be in the same room, so mediation is unfortunately not possible. Thank you so much for sharing, and for your support. I am thinking of you through your difficult time as well.

babysteps: You are so sweet. Thank you so much.

purrfectpear: I do believe that she has been unhappy for a very, very long time. However, the alcohol problem has actually been a problem for upwards of 30 years (though I had my suspicions, they weren''t confirmed until this past week). I don''t think FI is guilting her (I HOPE he isn''t--but of course, I am not privy to their conversations), but FI did tell her that if she did decide to go back, he would be a LOT more in touch and protective of her than he has been in the past. Not that that helps. I do think that FI is rationalizing a bit, but when I implied that there might have been a history of abuse here, he did say that he understands that. FI is just hopeful that FFIL will stop drinking, because it seems any abuse has always been linked to his alcoholism. I just am much more cynical about FFIL''s ability to quit cold turkey like this, as much as I wish it were true. He has taken FMIL for granted for so many years--I personally feel that nothing, no matter how traumatic (i.e. FMIL leaving him) will force him to turn his behavior around and just suddenly start demonstrating how much he values her.

The more I think about it, the angrier I am at FFIL. I know it''s not my place, but I can''t help feeling just so disgusted with him--and even more disgusted that FI will be (and in turn, of course, I will be) responsible for him. I understand that alcoholism can be an insidious beast, but he is over 65 years-old, and he has been aware of his addiction for DECADES. For him to have to wait until his wife of 40 years left him (because he physically assaulted her, no less) to realize that he needed help--any sympathy I might have felt is pretty much gone.

I can''t express this to FI, of course, and I won''t in so many words. But I am getting to this stage where I don''t think I can be very nice to FFIL.

 

[princesss]

Honey, try going to an AlAnon meeting. This could at least help you and your FI understand the nature of the issue you''re dealing with.

While it''s true that alcoholics choose to drink at the beginning, once the disease takes over it really does take something like this to snap people out of it. They have to hit rock bottom, and there is no telling when or where that will be. He''s gone 30 years without hitting that point, and it sounds like he has finally hit it. Alcoholism doesn''t discriminate by age or status. There is no magic time where people can look at themselves and say, "I have a problem." I wish there was. He may have told himself any number of things about his addiction to justify it and tell himself alcohol wasn''t a problem. I understand that you''re angry at him. Furious, maybe. But it may really help you to talk to people that have been in your position, and in his.

Somebody near and dear to me is an alcoholic. He''s been sober for almost 20 years, and it took his wife giving him a deadline. She told him if he wasn''t sober by x date, she and the kids were gone. That was enough for him. It wouldn''t be enough for everybody. He hasn''t touched a drop since. But he''s a rare case. FFIL probably will relapse. But his AA friends will help him. Right now the most important thing he can do is get a grip on his disease, and AA is a great way to do that. Encourage him to go to multiple meetings a week. A meeting a day if he can. Your FI''s support is a lot, but there is a lot to be said for having people around that have gone through the same struggle.

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry to hear of what''s going on. It sounds like an awful situation. Sending my thoughts.

 

[please help]

princesss: I am sorry for that little emotional outburst. I just wanted to express my anger. I understand that addiction is so difficult to overcome, I really do. But I guess I just picture him hitting my poor FMIL...and I just can''t care for him. I think of how impossibly difficult it must have been for FMIL to make the decision after all these years to leave...UGH. It makes me literally want to cry.

One thing that I didn''t mention (because I don''t actually know the details) is that on this past Easter, we were all over at FI''s parents'' house, and we were having a good time. FI brought a bunch of different kinds of imported beers for the guys, and FFIL was drinking a lot (though most of us were too). After dessert, I went to the bathroom, and when I came out, everyone was running out the door--it was really bizarre. I thought we were going to all hang out and help clean up for an hour or two, but FSIL and her husband literally were already in their cars (no goodbyes, very strange), and FMIL''s mother and sister and her husband were running to their cars too. I was so puzzled, but FI was pushing me out the door, so I thanked his parents and said goodbye.

When we were on the road for a few minutes, I asked what had happened...FI said that his father had had too much to drink and apparently said SOMETHING very nasty to his brother in law...no idea what it was, but it was enough that FMIL called FI very upset that night, saying that her sister and her sister''s husband weren''t going to want to come over again.

Anyway, FI told me that he suspects in retrospect that his mother probably said to herself, after that embarrassment, "if this happens one more time, I''m finally leaving." Who knows what goes on in the lives of others when no one is watching. It''s not my place to judge but I am still angry on behalf of those who FFIL has abused. I know that FFIL has been far from the best father to FI, and that up until the time that FI moved out of their house, FFIL used to beat up on him quite a lot (both physically and emotionally), so I always had some issues with FFIL anyway. Now that I know that he has been physically abusive to FMIL too--I just think it''s incredibly hard to stomach him.

 

[kama_s]

I really dont have anything useful to add, I think purrfectpear''s posts are very helpful. I just wanted to give you a *hug*, you''re dealing with a lot right now and could use some PS support.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Pleasehelp, goodness, what a terrible turn of events. The more you share, the more PerfectPear''s analysis in her 3rd post seems to match. It sounds like a LOT of FFIL''s behavior has been enabled over the years, and checking out some Al-Anon resources for yourself and your fiance might be in order. (I''d guess there are scads of books at Borders or Amazon.com if you want to dip your toe in, knowledge-wise. Being aware of the interpersonal dynamics in any traumatic situation really helps with good decision-making.)

BTW, if your FI is concerned about suicide threats, your FFIL''s MS medications might be contributing to his mental state; contacting his primary care physician and soliciting his medical help (including a reference to a therapist who also has experience with the mental/coping challenges that sometimes arise with MS as well as handling the acute trauma of the current week) might be a way for your FI to get the help for his father in short order without having to call the police.

Good luck, PH. Sending prayers for grace and strength, for both you and your FI, at this difficult time.

 

[princesss]

Gosh, honey, I''m sorry, I didn''t mean to seem to chastise you about expressing a totally natural emotion. And this is a great place to let it out. I just think that AlAnon meetings really might help as there will be people who have gone through it as well, and know what it''s like to not think you''ll ever be able to respect the person again. What you''re feeling is totally normal. The people I know that are in AA...well, I''ve never known them outside of AA. I hear stories about what they were like before, and believe me, they are not people I ever would have willingly associated with. So all I want you to keep in mind is that what you''re going through now is normal and understandable, but if he''s serious about his sobriety, there will be an "after" to this story. And the longer he''s sober, the easier you''ll find it to respect him, so just take your life and emotions and reactions one day at a time. Right now you may never want to see him again (I sure wouldn''t) but as he hits 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, a year...I think you''ll see a person you like emerging, and it will be a little easier for you to be around him.

 

[please help]

bee*: Thank you for your kind words.

kama: I appreciate all the PS support I can get. It is so hard not being able to talk to anyone about this (especially my mom who is great in the compassion arena)...

fleur-de-lis: Thank you for your suggestions. I might look into some reading like you said. I think FFIL is doing slightly better right now because the AA members he''s spoken to have given him hope that she will come back. I am afraid, however, what will happen when/if it becomes clearer to him that he has NO CHANCE of that happening. Thank you again for the advice.

princesss: No, no! I didn''t take it that way at all. I did realize, however, that I was not coming across as compassionately as I wish I could feel. But thank you so much for the broader picture of what you were getting at--you are so sweet. I guess I never really liked FFIL that much to begin with...maybe I will like him better when/if he gets sober, but I don''t know. I have a personality issue with him to begin with (he is the biggest self-aggrandizer I have EVER met--including my own father, which is saying a lot), and now with this coming to the surface--I just don''t think I''ll ever respect him. But again, I am probably being too harsh. I will of course do what is required of me, but I do not foresee being any kinder to him than absolutely necessary. (I know that is terrible. I just can''t help myself.)

 

[princesss]

*hug* Do your best to take care of yourself and your FI. Don''t try to force yourself into anything. It may be that your FFIL is a completely different person without alcohol. But the things you dislike about him may just be him, and if you don''t like him, you just don''t like him. That''s life. I hope the steps help him, and that he becomes more humble and a stronger person. If ever there was a situation that makes people realize they''re not infallible, it''s something like this.

*more hugs*

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Please Help, I am very sorry to hear that this wasn''t a "one time thing" ... but it rarely ever is. I can understand why it would be hard for you to be around him and I cannot say that I really blame you. It''s hard to buddy-up to someone who has been a source of pain in the lives of the people you love. It''s incredibly hard. And now that you''re looking at the prospect of being his care giver, I imagine that it''s making things even harder yet. And, I can also understand how your FI feels a sense of responsibility to his father, even still. During my own experience, I did a lot of research into what makes a normal person crave the love/attention/support of someone who is emotionally/physically abusive and everything I read basically said the same thing...love is a genuine need, and a person who feels it being withheld from some who is essentially responsible for loving them, often seeks it to no end even if it defies logic. I''m guessing maybe this is why your FI is trying so hard to help his dad now...he''s probably feeling that if he can put the family back together, his father will finally give him the respect he fully deserves. Of course I''m not a professional...but that is again why I strongly suggest (even if it is just you) meeting with someone well versed in this sort of thing.

And please don''t feel bad for "struggling" when it comes to your FFIL, its human nature. This issue isn''t cut and dry, black or white...it''s a lot to stomach and deal with. Be real with yourself so you don''t get to the breaking point with all of your emotions bottled up inside.

I am keeping you, your FI and his family in prayers...and I am hoping for a peaceful outcome.

 

[please help]

I am so lucky to have this forum with such kind, supportive people. Thank you all so much.

princesss: I''m pretty sure that FFIL never really thought he was *all that* (haha, do people even use that term anymore??), but I think he''s hiding greater insecurities already. It''s just a quality I see a lot that I just hate in people. We will see if he continues to move forward with AA even if it seems his wife is not going to come back to him. I am sorry that I don''t have much faith in him, but I''m not letting that on to anyone but y''all here.

Italiahaircolor: Oh boy did you hit the nail on the head. FI has never "lived up" to his father''s hyperbolic stories about HIMSELF...and I''m sure that''s why he''s trying to intervene in his father''s caregiving now. FI told me that although he will attempt to make his mother feel more confident about going back to his dad if he sees that his dad makes great strides in his recovery, if his father ever does anything like this again, he says he and his sister and his mother will ALL cut him off permanently. Though...I asked him, "how will you know? You don''t even know if this has happened before--your mom has always hidden these things from you," and he said he would be really involved so that he would find out. I think that''s sort of a lame response, to be honest.

Thank you all again. You are truly wonderful to reach out to me this way.

 

[please help]

My mom had lunch with FMIL today and FMIL shared some of this with her. But from what my mom told me, FMIL basically just said that she left last week because she couldn''t deal with taking care of her husband.

Obviously she finds the domestic violence end of it too unsettling to share with other people (I don''t even think she knows that I know about it), but..ugh. She told my mom that FFIL has started in AA and doing some anger management work (I didn''t know about that and I don''t think FI did either. I''m not actually sure if FFIL is actually doing that).

I am happy that I can talk about at least some of this with my mom now--but I feel terrible that FMIL feels like she can trust my mom, but only to a certain extent. FMIL really doesn''t have friends--she has her mother and sister, but FFIL has always been very controlling about who she can have in her life, and she has been spending all of her evenings and weekends either working or with FFIL for at least a decade. It''s really kind of sick...but it worries me that the one person she feels she can trust is my mom, and she STILL can''t trust her with the DV stuff.

My mom''s initial reaction (because she doesn''t know about the abuse) was to tell her that she shouldn''t rush into getting a divorce or a permanent restraining order. I am worried that people are going to talk FMIL out of leaving if she doesn''t give people the whole story!

But I obviously won''t say anything to my mother, as hard as that is--it''s not my place.