Etiquette Check [wedding invite]

[MsP]

I'm posting to see how others interpret this action.

My SO (of several years) has two college friends getting married. I didn't go to his college but I've met them both in passing. As a couple, we stayed with his friend (the male) when we visited his town, but this was before he and the woman (SO knew her in college too) were dating.

SO is in the bridal party and just went to his out of town bachelor party. He's had the save the date for a while now and requested that I stick it on my calendar because it's in a pretty busy time for me.

Invite arrives today. No plus one, no "& date". Just an invitation for him.

It's not a small wedding. ie more than 100 people.

Am I overreacting if I feel quite offended? How would you react? I've told SO that I'm really quite offended and his position is, "what I am supposed to do?"... I have my thoughts on what he can do but am mulling over if I'm just being a cranky-panks and too demanding.

 

[Enerchi]

hmmm... I see that as odd, but I haven't sent out wedding invites in 27 years! Is it well known that you two are dating, are a couple and would be coming as a couple if one were invited to an event = the other would join in? If that is the case, it could be a simple oversite on the addressing of the envelope? (I'm hoping!)

I would suggest your SO give a call to his buddy the groom and just bring it up, to clarify. "I'm excited to be a part of your wedding and as you know, I've been together with Miss Prudential for years now. Just wondering if there was an error on the addresses as MissPrudential would normally be joining me at such an event"... or something like that. Guys say things so much differently than women!

Its in his court to clear it up - definitely not you!

 

[monarch64]

I would be completely offended if that happened to me! I have no idea what you should do now. Since your SO is in the bridal party and you've been together for quite some time, I would think the bride knew that you were to be invited. Embarrassing and awkward situation all around. My inclination would be to have my SO contact the groom and ask him why the invitation did not include you, whether that is proper etiquette or not. Hopefully someone who is an expert (Haven, perhaps) will chime in and give you guidance. So sorry to hear this!

 

[MissGotRocks]

No, I don't think you are overreacting - I think it's rude. He is in the bridal party, they certainly know about you, and other than trying to keep numbers down, I see no reason for this. I know there are times when everyone has to restrict numbers but this is one example where I think it's very unacceptable to do so.

I feel for your SO as this isn't the scenario he would like and yet he has very little control over it. Is he very close to the bridegroom - to the point that he could ask him about the omission?

 

[Haven]

I know that technically people don't have to invite non-spouse SOs, but I do think it's rude to do that to members of the bridal party. I would be offended on behalf of my SO, if I were in your position. I understand that everyone can't afford to invite the SOs of their friends, and they don't always want to because they aren't necessarily close with them, but I do think it's rude to invite BP members alone, whether or not they have a SO.

I'm usually strongly against the +1 invitation, I think it's completely inappropriate to let your guests bring whomever they want, but if a member of a BP doesn't have a SO, then I'd even make an exception and use the +1 it in that case. Otherwise, the SO of a bridal party member should get a separate invitation, in her name, at her home address.

So, yes, I'd be offended. I think it's very inconsiderate of his friends to neglect to invite you, by name, with an invite of your own to your home address. A +1 would have even been offensive to me, because they clearly know who you are and could have easily gotten your contact information.

Some people aren't very gracious. I'm sorry, MissP!

ETA: I agree with the others--I think your SO should bring it up to his friend the groom. If I were him I'd approach it as if I assumed it was a mistake--perhaps your invitation got lost in the mail? Perhaps the calligrapher just failed to add your name to the line beneath his on the envelope? It wouldn't hurt to ask, and I am a firm believer that we needn't walk on eggshells around our close friends when feelings are hurt--if he's close enough to stand up in his wedding, he's close enough to say something to his friend about the fact that they didn't invite his very important significant other.

 

[movie zombie]

may be irritating but all that needs to happen is for your SO to RSVP that the two of you will be attending and call the groom to ask for the bride's contact so he can call and tell her the same. i would not rely on the groom to relay the message to the bride if i were your SO.

actually, i'm surprised there was an invite at all: is that what happens when one is a member of the bridal party? thought that woud have been sorted out already.

mz admits to never having had a "formal" wedding........

 

[MsP]

I would suggest your SO give a call to his buddy the groom and just bring it up, to clarify. "I'm excited to be a part of your wedding and as you know, I've been together with Miss Prudential for years now. Just wondering if there was an error on the addresses as MissPrudential would normally be joining me at such an event"... or something like that. Guys say things so much differently than women!

...but awkward all around if the answer is, "No, we're trying to limit our numbers."

 

[Enerchi]

It will be awkward no matter how it is asked, if that is the answer. Better to find out sooner than later!

I don't understand the insensitivity of the bride and groom if they are NOT intending on inviting you! YIKES!!! Better to ask tho, it may have been a simple oversight.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Hi Miss P,

Is it rude, no not exactly. I would say that a wedding of 100 people is not exactly a LARGE wedding. I know from planning my own wedding that keeping the guest list down is difficult. I would imagine that their not including you is not about you but about numbers. I know personally that my criteria for +1 was will they be able to enjoy themselves without their SO (aka do they know others at the party). It sounds like you wouldn't really know anybody at the party really and your SO will be tied up with bridal party duties for almost the whole event so it doesn't honestly sound like you are missing out. I know that the only people who got a +1 for our wedding were people who didn't know anybody else or people who had been living with their SO where we knew their SO and were close to both of them. I think the only situation where is rude to not include a +1 is when a couple is married.

I guess my bottom line is that you shouldn't be offended or take it personally as it's not a judgement of the validity of your relationship, it almost certainly comes down to cost! And I think it's fine to ask if you are invited but I would say it's better not to call as this puts the person on the spot and an e-mail would be more appropriate. I think the other suggestions are a bit awkward if the answer is no sorry we can't include her as we are at our max.

"I am just wondering if my invitation is meant to include Miss P. or if it was addressed to me specifically. Please let me know as I would hate to be rude and RSVP for both of us if that was not your intent."

Alice

 

[MsP]

I know that technically people don't have to invite non-spouse SOs, but I do think it's rude to do that to members of the bridal party.

This is why I'm kind of luke warm on contacting to see if there was an error. I too know people who do this, and think its a generally fine idea. I know like 3 people at the wedding and am not really friends with the bride or groom. So why *would* they want me there if they're tight on numbers? And then if they get called out on the omission and do extend the invite do I really even want to go at that point?

ETA: I agree with the others--I think your SO should bring it up to his friend the groom. If I were him I'd approach it as if I assumed it was a mistake--perhaps your invitation got lost in the mail? Perhaps the calligrapher just failed to add your name to the line beneath his on the envelope? It wouldn't hurt to ask, and I am a firm believer that we needn't walk on eggshells around our close friends when feelings are hurt--if he's close enough to stand up in his wedding, he's close enough to say something to his friend about the fact that they didn't invite his very important significant other.

The save the date went to SO only, and I was not on the address for that either. I didn't notice it then, but I do now. So it's NOT an error in that sense.

I'm kind of just peeved that WE as a couple would extend money, time, and resources to support their day if they don't even consider us as a couple. That and for SO to go off alone to a wedding weekend with tons of old college friends he hasn't seen in almost ten years... appearing as a single guy? As if I don't matter? Meh, just irritates me.

Point of clarification-- this isn't like "one of his college buddies"-- it's one of his best friends. Hence why it's so offensive. I do think it was probably an oversight on the brides part and the groom didn't notice to correct it.

 

[MsP]

Hi Miss P,

Is it rude, no not exactly. I would say that a wedding of 100 people is not exactly a LARGE wedding. I know from planning my own wedding that keeping the guest list down is difficult. I would imagine that their not including you is not about you but about numbers. I know personally that my criteria for +1 was will they be able to enjoy themselves without their SO (aka do they know others at the party). It sounds like you wouldn't really know anybody at the party really and your SO will be tied up with bridal party duties for almost the whole event so it doesn't honestly sound like you are missing out. I know that the only people who got a +1 for our wedding were people who didn't know anybody else or people who had been living with their SO where we knew their SO and were close to both of them. I think the only situation where is rude to not include a +1 is when a couple is married.

I guess my bottom line is that you shouldn't be offended or take it personally as it's not a judgement of the validity of your relationship, it almost certainly comes down to cost! And I think it's fine to ask if you are invited but I would say it's better not to call as this puts the person on the spot and an e-mail would be more appropriate. I think the other suggestions are a bit awkward if the answer is no sorry we can't include her as we are at our max.

"I am just wondering if my invitation is meant to include Miss P. or if it was addressed to me specifically. Please let me know as I would hate to be rude and RSVP for both of us if that was not your intent."

Alice

I actually agree with you-- and was kind of lukewarm about going prior to the invite snafu because of the very points you mentioned. However, no invite seems rude. This is not a local wedding and SO has some significant travel to make it. We were thinking of making a long weekend out of it because 6-8hrs of travel isn't really pleasant for just the night. Now I just feel rather cold about extending any effort for this (the hour drive each way to take/drop off SO at the airport, going to do the tux measurements, boarding his dog, and the prior stuff we've already done... in planning his bachelor party).

 

[Haven]

I understand your feelings, and would probably hesitate to ask my SO to say something if I were in your shoes. But in this case, I really do think it is rude of them to fail to invite you to the wedding.

I think it's also important to keep in mind that the old etiquette standard that the only required SOs to invite were spouses was set into place during a time when people generally married younger, and in a relatively shorter time after meeting. Nowadays, there are so many couples that choose to remain unmarried for years, or cannot legally marry, yet they are still very much couples who make decisions together. As you said, MissP, you and your SO have pooled finances, and thus his support of their wedding is also *your* support of their wedding.

The more I think about this, the more I'm surprised your SO isn't really upset that they failed to invite you. This is one of his best friends, doesn't he know that you two are a strong, long-time couple?

Gah. There is no good way to approach this, I know, but I'm really thinking that your SO should be able to say something to one of his best friends, right?

ETA: I also think we often forget the true purpose of etiquette when we discuss issues like this. The whole idea behind having standards for behavior is to avoid hurting others, or to avoid other uncomfortable situations--embarrassment over wearing something inappropriate or saying the wrong thing, etc. Etiquette rules are not a license to snub the very important significant other of one of your best friends, which is exactly what I see this couple doing to your SO, MissP. Yes, it is a standard that only spouses must be invited. But an even more fundamental standard is that you should take care to consider the way your choices affect others, or the message they send.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'd be annoyed too. As you said, obviously the couple know about your relationship. Even if it was a numbers thing, I'd think it would be polite for your SO's friend to let him know as a heads up.

Your SO's out of town now, correct? Maybe it will come up at some point while he's away and your SO will come home with an explanation. What an awkward situation. I'm sorry that happened, MissP.

 

[slg47]

was the save-the-date addressed to SO or to SO and you?

ETA your SO should talk to the groom...please don't just fill in the response card MrPrudential and MissPrudential (we just had someone do that...well actually he just filled in a '2' but did not add the name! FI and I had no idea he had a GF (most of his other friends didn't know either) but if he had asked it would have been totally fine! of course we are happy to have her but it would have been nice for him to ask before just filling it in on the card...) /rantover

 

[Pandora II]

Could it be that they thought your SO would be so involved in the whole wedding-party shenanigans that he wouldn't have time to spend with you - you would be sitting without him at the ceremony, sitting without him at the receptions etc and so didn't invite you for that reason especially as you don't know many of the others?

Even so I think that your SO being a member of the wedding party means that you should have been invited as a courtesy if nothing else.


When we got married (200, we didn't do +1s, and invited SOs if they were a) engaged, b) living together, c) dating for over 1 year.

 

[zoebartlett]

Could it be that they thought your SO would be so involved in the whole wedding-party shenanigans that he wouldn't have time to spend with you - you would be sitting without him at the ceremony, sitting without him at the receptions etc and so didn't invite you for that reason especially as you don't know many of the others?

Even so I think that your SO being a member of the wedding party means that you should have been invited as a courtesy if nothing else.


When we got married (200, we didn't do +1s, and invited SOs if they were a) engaged, b) living together, c) dating for over 1 year.

This was my first thought too. Maybe they just made a few assumptions...

I agree though, you should have been invited. That way, the decision to attend or not would be yours to make.

 

[swingirl]

It's possible that your boyfriend hasn't made it known that he has a long-term SO. He should make a simple call and ask if he may bring you if there is still room. If he is told "sorry, no room", you are out of luck. I don't think there is any requirement to invite guests of single guests. Besides, it sounds like you don't know the couple and wouldn't even be sitting with your SO at the head table.

I agree, though, that you should have been invited. But not everyone knows wedding etiquette.

 

[MsP]

It's possible that your boyfriend hasn't made it known that he has a long-term SO. He should make a simple call and ask if he may bring you if there is still room. If he is told "sorry, no room", you are out of luck. I don't think there is any requirement to invite guests of single guests. Besides, it sounds like you don't know the couple and wouldn't even be sitting with your SO at the head table.

I agree, though, that you should have been invited. But not everyone knows wedding etiquette.

We've stayed at their home[then his] for a long weekend... and I saw the groom just prior to his bachelor party. They know...or as some suggest maybe he knows but his future bride doesn't?

And to be honest, I hesitate to have SO ask if there's room, because if the answer is, "sorry, no room", I'm going to subconsciously (and would probably tell SO) feel that he should no longer be a part of their wedding. [I know, bitchy of me.][maybe it's that time of the month]

 

[swingirl]

It's possible that your boyfriend hasn't made it known that he has a long-term SO. He should make a simple call and ask if he may bring you if there is still room. If he is told "sorry, no room", you are out of luck. I don't think there is any requirement to invite guests of single guests. Besides, it sounds like you don't know the couple and wouldn't even be sitting with your SO at the head table.

I agree, though, that you should have been invited. But not everyone knows wedding etiquette.

We've stayed at their home for a long weekend... and I saw the groom just prior to his bachelor party. They know.

And to be honest, I hesitate to have SO ask if there's no room, because if the answer is, "sorry, no room", I'm going to subconsciously (and would probably tell SO) feel that he should no longer be a part of their wedding. [I know, bitchy of me.][maybe it's that time of the month]

That wouldn't be fair. It's not your SO's fault that you aren't invited. Coming up with a guest list is really hard and lines have to be drawn somewhere. Why would you want to take the experience of standing up for his friend away from your SO? You've also said it's a busy time for you.

 

[MsP]

It's possible that your boyfriend hasn't made it known that he has a long-term SO. He should make a simple call and ask if he may bring you if there is still room. If he is told "sorry, no room", you are out of luck. I don't think there is any requirement to invite guests of single guests. Besides, it sounds like you don't know the couple and wouldn't even be sitting with your SO at the head table.

I agree, though, that you should have been invited. But not everyone knows wedding etiquette.

We've stayed at their home for a long weekend... and I saw the groom just prior to his bachelor party. They know.

And to be honest, I hesitate to have SO ask if there's no room, because if the answer is, "sorry, no room", I'm going to subconsciously (and would probably tell SO) feel that he should no longer be a part of their wedding. [I know, bitchy of me.][maybe it's that time of the month]

That wouldn't be fair. It's not your SO's fault that you aren't invited. Coming up with a guest list is really hard and lines have to be drawn somewhere. Why would you want to take the experience of standing up for his friend away from your SO? You've also said it's a busy time for you.

Like I said, I know that's unreasonable.

 

[movie zombie]

retract my original response because i think Alice got it right.
life is too short to let this be upsetting.
plan something fun for yourself with your friends for the weekend your SO is gone.

 

[MsP]

retract my original response because i think Alice got it right.
life is too short to let this be upsetting.
plan something fun for yourself with your friends for the weekend your SO is gone.

I know this is the correct answer. And is likely the course of action I'll take.

Still, it doesn't detract that I'm a touch upset about it.

Thanks everyone.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

What a horribly awkward situation. I don't think there is a way to win w/this one. If you ask SO to ask them, then they will invite you (or they'd look like total jerks) but then that would bring on discomfort as you'll never know if they had planned to or not. I think having something else planned is the best approach - but then you did have a safe the date so technically, it should have been saved for their wedding, right? Ahhhh! Nightmare situation. Hope all works out either way!

ETA - how long have you and your SO been together?

 

[Asu]

I would not go anywhere my SO isn't welcomed,so if I was in your SO shoes,I would carefully get to know if you are invited,and if you aren't I would back out.That's just me,though.I actually skipped a relative funeral because my husband wasn't "allowed" to go,because he "wasn't family" to those relatives
Anyway,I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

[MsP]

What a horribly awkward situation. I don't think there is a way to win w/this one. If you ask SO to ask them, then they will invite you (or they'd look like total jerks) but then that would bring on discomfort as you'll never know if they had planned to or not. I think having something else planned is the best approach - but then you did have a safe the date so technically, it should have been saved for their wedding, right? Ahhhh! Nightmare situation. Hope all works out either way!

ETA - how long have you and your SO been together?

Longer than they've been dating/engaged :-/

 

[MichelleCarmen]

What a horribly awkward situation. I don't think there is a way to win w/this one. If you ask SO to ask them, then they will invite you (or they'd look like total jerks) but then that would bring on discomfort as you'll never know if they had planned to or not. I think having something else planned is the best approach - but then you did have a safe the date so technically, it should have been saved for their wedding, right? Ahhhh! Nightmare situation. Hope all works out either way!

ETA - how long have you and your SO been together?

Longer than they've been dating/engaged :-/

Yikes! It is strange that they didn't invite you with your SO being in the wedding party! Are they spacey or over-extended people to the point that they may just have whipped out the invitations so quickly that they overlooked putting your name down?

 

[monarch64]

It's possible that your boyfriend hasn't made it known that he has a long-term SO. He should make a simple call and ask if he may bring you if there is still room. If he is told "sorry, no room", you are out of luck. I don't think there is any requirement to invite guests of single guests. Besides, it sounds like you don't know the couple and wouldn't even be sitting with your SO at the head table.

I agree, though, that you should have been invited. But not everyone knows wedding etiquette.

We've stayed at their home for a long weekend... and I saw the groom just prior to his bachelor party. They know.

And to be honest, I hesitate to have SO ask if there's no room, because if the answer is, "sorry, no room", I'm going to subconsciously (and would probably tell SO) feel that he should no longer be a part of their wedding. [I know, bitchy of me.][maybe it's that time of the month]

That wouldn't be fair. It's not your SO's fault that you aren't invited. Coming up with a guest list is really hard and lines have to be drawn somewhere. Why would you want to take the experience of standing up for his friend away from your SO? You've also said it's a busy time for you.

Like I said, I know that's unreasonable.

Unreasonable or not, I think that would be my reaction as well. And this is probably totally out of line, but I would want to know if the bride has extended "and guest" invitations to all the members of her side of the party, or are they all married?

This is merely my opinion, but I don't see the point of restricting numbers to the point that a member of the bridal party cannot also have their SO at the wedding. Maybe the cost of something else (besides food and drink) needs to be restricted instead...sorry, but I'd rather cut back the cost of a photographer and have all my guests smiling and having a great time than looking grumpy in some freakishly expensive pictures.

 

[MsP]

Unreasonable or not, I think that would be my reaction as well. And this is probably totally out of line, but I would want to know if the bride has extended "and guest" invitations to all the members of her side of the party, or are they all married?

This is merely my opinion, but I don't see the point of restricting numbers to the point that a member of the bridal party cannot also have their SO at the wedding. Maybe the cost of something else (besides food and drink) needs to be restricted instead...sorry, but I'd rather cut back the cost of a photographer and have all my guests smiling and having a great time than looking grumpy in some freakishly expensive pictures.

Yeah, but inquiring about this would make SO and myself especially look like total a-holes.

Sigh.

I read so much on these wedding boards/blogs that "it's your day! do what you want!" which I generally feel is true. Just realize there are implications such as this one.

ETA: I was just looking at their gift registry this weekend. HAH. They probably didn't know who does the gift giving in this relationship.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I agree with those who suggested you weren't invited because your SO will be busy with his duties for the whole day and that it would be a long way for you to travel just to spend the whole time on your own.

Don't be too hard on them, planning a wedding is hard and the guess list usually causes the most headaches especially if they are on a budget.

What does your SO think about all of this?

 

[ame]

That is actually pretty inappropriate because they know you are in a long term and serious relationship and he is significant enough to the couple that he's in the bridal party.