Do you have a frenemy in your life?

[Begonia]

Do any of you have frenemies in your life?

People that, at first, seemed like your friends, but over time you've began to wonder.

I have a person that I used to define as a 'friend' in my life, that is very competitive, untrustworty, and seem energized when things are not going well in my, or my older son's life (our sons are the same age). Just yesterday she called to find out if my son was accepted in a program for High School (which he starts next year), and she seemed much happier when I told her he hadn't been accepted. Her son had been accepted into the program.

I thought maybe I was being judgemental or had unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I'm beginning to think I have a frenemy...

 

[mary poppins]

From your description, sounds like you do have a frenemy. Bummer. I hope you're able to extricate yourself from the relationship. Life's too short for that nonsense.

 

[kenny]

We all judge people.
Thanks goodness too; it's healthy.

Sounds like a good candidate for an ex-friend.

 

[radiantquest]

Sorry to hear that. I have a frenemy family member. I think these people just really dont understand what relationships are really about. I agree that the best thing to do is not associate with this person as best as you can.

 

[Imdanny]

We all judge people.
Thanks goodness too; it's healthy.

Sounds like a good candidate for an ex-friend.

Unfortunately, my best friend since I was 3 and my best friend from college are both playing on my last nerve. Best friend #1 has been a judgmental bleep about my accident and #2 wrote me, how should I say, "bad" email that was followed up by a phone conversation where he explained himself by contradicting a long term understanding we had about a certain event.

They are both kind of, I don't want to say being enemies, but I don't have the energy. So far, I have tried and even succeeded in not letting myself be provoked, but only out of respect for the fact I've known these two for so long and #1 is a friend of the family, especially my mom.

Sigh.

 

[iLander]

I too, have a frenemy family member. I can't trust her, she says rude things while she smiles at me, and is quick to say she's "joking" if I call her on it. In reaction, I am starting to be suspicious and rude. My DH spent years getting me to curb my tongue and she's undoing it rather quickly. If she's not careful, I'll let fly one day and let her know who she's really dealing with. Little twit. . .

So, yeah, it sucks . . .

 

[Haven]

No way, I am too old for that.

My BIL's ex-wife was kind of like that, but now they're divorced so I no longer have to interact with her.

 

[monarch64]

I used to. I started writing a post describing the person but some things are better left in the past and unsaid. I will say that I recognized quickly that the person was not a true friend, struggled for several months with what to do about it and ultimately confronted her and that lead to the end of the friendship. I think I brought out the worst in her for some reason and it is better for both of us that the friendship ended. Sometimes in life you form relationships with people who aren't meant to STAY in your life but they can teach you something about yourself or your choices. I wish her happiness and success but we very rarely communicate anymore. Good luck with your situation, Begonia.

 

[rosetta]

Urgh no. I try to stay away from these types of people. If someone makes a a catty comment disguised as something innocent, I'm the type who will call him out for it. So it doesn't make for many "fake friends" in my life.

 

[missy]

I used to. I started writing a post describing the person but some things are better left in the past and unsaid. I will say that I recognized quickly that the person was not a true friend, struggled for several months with what to do about it and ultimately confronted her and that lead to the end of the friendship. I think I brought out the worst in her for some reason and it is better for both of us that the friendship ended. Sometimes in life you form relationships with people who aren't meant to STAY in your life but they can teach you something about yourself or your choices. I wish her happiness and success but we very rarely communicate anymore. Good luck with your situation, Begonia.

I totally agree with this monarch. Life is a series of stages and our needs change as do some relationships. I believe that hardships in life show you who your true friends are. Life is too short to stay in a poisonous relationship so no I do not have any frenemies in my life.

 

[Lottie]

Yes! We belong to the same ante natal group and our children go to the same pre school. We both hate each other (long story) but have to grin and bear it. Occasionally it gets too much for her and she makes a 'jokey' comment or tries to say something lighthearted to me, but it comes out in the same tone of voice that you would use to call your dog back from the other end of the park, this amuses me no end. I avoid conversation or manage to smile and be civil. Our children are going to different schools so our connection will be pretty much broken next year.

 

[Deia]

I used to. I started writing a post describing the person but some things are better left in the past and unsaid. I will say that I recognized quickly that the person was not a true friend, struggled for several months with what to do about it and ultimately confronted her and that lead to the end of the friendship. I think I brought out the worst in her for some reason and it is better for both of us that the friendship ended. Sometimes in life you form relationships with people who aren't meant to STAY in your life but they can teach you something about yourself or your choices. I wish her happiness and success but we very rarely communicate anymore. Good luck with your situation, Begonia.

I totally agree with this monarch. Life is a series of stages and our needs change as do some relationships. I believe that hardships in life show you who your true friends are. Life is too short to stay in a poisonous relationship so no I do not have any frenemies in my life.

+1

I think I had a so called frenemy last year. We became friends at work when she was hired to replace me in my previous position. She ended up being quite a negative person, and seemed to feel relieved when I had problems I couldn't fix immediately... Weird. Anyway, 8 months after the first day she joined, I came to see her at her desk to try to get her to come outside for a walk with me because I knew she had been so negative about everything lately...so I came over to her desk and with a BIG smile on my face said, aww come on grumpy let's go for some fresh air. Her response to that was...with a stern tone... "if you still want to talk to me I'd reconsider approaching me like that" ...to keep the story short that was the end of our so called friendship. I don't have time for rude people, and I certainly don't have time for people that I have spent the last 8 months listening to all her issues and crying to get that sort of proverbial slap in the face when I was just being a friend and trying to lighten up her mood.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I believe I do. I don't even want to dwell on the details because it's just too draining. I don't do well with emotional vampires, and will go above and beyond to be the first to extend the proverbial olive branch in a disagreement, but if pushed to the point that I start to dwell on how miserable someone is making me, it's like a switch gets turned off and I'm done. I've reached that point with my frenemy, and have stopped calling her. Obviously since she has not picked up the phone, my instincts on putting a halt to the cycle were correct.

While I was in high school and nursing school, all but one of my best friends were guys. I've only ever had one close female friend at a time, and over the years I know exactly why. I have found that my guy friends let me know exactly where I stand with them. If I say or do something stupid, they call me on it immediately, we talk, and it's over. I'm not a competitor, never cared about being popular, don't know how to lie and never did, and am brutally honest. Thanks to Wink, I've learned over the past 7+ years how to be much more tactful and diplomatic.

Life is too short to deal with miserable people who have nothing better to do but spread their misery.

 

[ame]

Unfortunately a few. And usually I try to delete them on FB if they're on my FB list. I don't engage it as much as I can help it.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yep. It's weird, the more time that goes by, the more i realize that I dislike pretty much every facet of her personality....

 

[partgypsy]

I don't have per se, but I have a strange relationship with my SIL. She and her brother my husband are very close. When he and I started dated she never warmed up to me because she sees me as "competition" for his affection (it used to be he would drop everything to help her, etc). I would like to have a warmer relationship with her, but I don't think it will ever happen at this point.

I also have a friend, that I will just call it a difficult or complicated friendship. Since I've had kids and she's gotten older she has become more rigid/controlling (things have to be done on her terms), and is also more critical of me. She has also said a number of unintentionally hurtful/catty things to me. We used to see each other once a week, had a mutual meeting place. It's become a habit where she bails on that place, and wants me to come to her house instead. I go to her house, and suggest maybe next time coming to my house or some other place, but then she invariably cancels or blows it off, suggests instead either her house again, or some event or time she knows that won't work with my schedule. While she works part time and has no kids (I work full time and have 2 kids, some evenings I am responsible for), she has a whole list of rules how and when I contact her, while if she contacts me she feels I should drop everything, get a babysitter to hang out with her. So, we end up seeing each other about once a month (when I visit her). This is fine with me, except she invariably turns it into a fault finding guilt trip how I'm not being a good friend, failed in my friendship. I used to run around trying to please her and agree to her various "rules" of how and when we do things; but have gotten OK with saying no. We probably have a more superficial relationship than we used to, but healthier for me. You have to give someone the power to control you or your emotions.

 

[Amys Bling]

Nope- no need I have any of that in your life.

 

[missy]

I don't have per se, but I have a strange relationship with my SIL. She and her brother my husband are very close. When he and I started dated she never warmed up to me because she sees me as "competition" for his affection (it used to be he would drop everything to help her, etc). I would like to have a warmer relationship with her, but I don't think it will ever happen at this point.

I also have a friend, that I will just call it a difficult or complicated friendship. Since I've had kids and she's gotten older she has become more rigid/controlling (things have to be done on her terms), and is also more critical of me. She has also said a number of unintentionally hurtful/catty things to me. We used to see each other once a week, had a mutual meeting place. It's become a habit where she bails on that place, and wants me to come to her house instead. I go to her house, and suggest maybe next time coming to my house or some other place, but then she invariably cancels or blows it off, suggests instead either her house again, or some event or time she knows that won't work with my schedule. While she works part time and has no kids (I work full time and have 2 kids, some evenings I am responsible for), she has a whole list of rules how and when I contact her, while if she contacts me she feels I should drop everything, get a babysitter to hang out with her. So, we end up seeing each other about once a month (when I visit her). This is fine with me, except she invariably turns it into a fault finding guilt trip how I'm not being a good friend, failed in my friendship. I used to run around trying to please her and agree to her various "rules" of how and when we do things; but have gotten OK with saying no. We probably have a more superficial relationship than we used to, but healthier for me. You have to give someone the power to control you or your emotions.

That is an unfortunate situation partgypsy.
Any way you could share how you are feeling with her about this? Otherwise what is the point? She sounds beyond difficult but maybe if you made her more aware of her behavior she would make more of an effort for a balanced friendship. Sorry some people are so clueless and/or so narcissistic and think the world revolves around them.

 

[soocool]

I do, I think. Actually I was friendly with her mother who was almost 20 years older than me (she is 9 years younger than me). I was a "mother's helper", and I used to play with her and her brother when they were little. She befriended me after her mother passed away soon after mine, but she is a royal PITA. She visited me unnannounced soon after that and I struggled to have a conversation with her while she just tried to extract information from me. She is a breast cancer survivor and I feel for what she had to go through (both her and my mother died from berast cancer), but it is always about her. She is so bad that her own brother does not want to have anything to do with her. (His wife had a baby girl last year and she has never been invited to see her). She left a nasty note on my door once stating that she drove all the way to see me and I did not even have the decency to let her know I would be away (I had no idea she was coming over. It was her idea to surprise me. She lives 50 miles from me). Nonetheless, I ignored the note and never responded back. So she sent me and my family a Valentine's card with a picture of her and her boyfriend at Disney saying she is coming to see me soon! AGH!!!

I have no idea how to get her out of my life without coming right out and telling her to leave me alone. But I guess if nothing else works, I might have to.

 

[iLander]

I believe I do. I don't even want to dwell on the details because it's just too draining. I don't do well with emotional vampires, and will go above and beyond to be the first to extend the proverbial olive branch in a disagreement, but if pushed to the point that I start to dwell on how miserable someone is making me, it's like a switch gets turned off and I'm done. I've reached that point with my frenemy, and have stopped calling her. Obviously since she has not picked up the phone, my instincts on putting a halt to the cycle were correct.

While I was in high school and nursing school, all but one of my best friends were guys. I've only ever had one close female friend at a time, and over the years I know exactly why. I have found that my guy friends let me know exactly where I stand with them. If I say or do something stupid, they call me on it immediately, we talk, and it's over. I'm not a competitor, never cared about being popular, don't know how to lie and never did, and am brutally honest. Thanks to Wink, I've learned over the past 7+ years how to be much more tactful and diplomatic.

Life is too short to deal with miserable people who have nothing better to do but spread their misery.

Just a guess; are you an Aquarius? This sounds like Aquarius traits.

My DH had to "rehab" me, like Wink did for you.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Thankfully, I don't have any now. I've had a few in the past. The one who stands out is a former co-worker. We were good friends for a year or so, and then she began making snide remarks about my appearance. She eventually got really vicious and stopped talking to me. Fast forward a few years, she had a long affair with a married man who would not leave his wife for her. He died, she was living with her invalid mother. A home health care worker who took care of the mother stole all of my former friend's jewelry. After 21 years of not speaking to me, she approached me and asked if I would let her have some of my jewelry receipts so that she could file an insurance claim. I had some notion that insurance fraud was against the law, so I said I didn't have any receipts. Needless to say, I have every receipt for every bit of jewelry I own. Haven't heard from her from that day to this.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I did. I became friendly with the new neighbors {ignoring my husband's cautions}. She works in a hospital and for the longest time I thought she had no friends due to her errtatic hours at the hospital. Took me a while to realize she was a MISERABLE person who tried to one-up everything we did--from jewelry to backyard furniture to a security system. I got rid of her when she made a really thoughtless and hurtful remark about my neice's sanity regarding the birth of her child {with a heart conditon}. I asked her to leave my house and I merely nod without smiling when I see them.

I grew up with a mother who was an enemy, I have to time or patience for it now.

 

[partgypsy]

Thanks Missy, but it seems when I tried to broach the subject it often goes into either a) when things were really bad, her projecting everything on me, saying I was the one with the problem, or more lately b) her disclosing that she is depressed, been sick, having problems with her boyfriend, etc, and then I feel bad to be a hard ass. After one really bad episode (a couple years ago) we had a falling out where I did calli her out after her being really mean, and she was overly friendly and apologetic for a couple weeks.

The reason I don't cut her off is that I don't think she is a mean person. She is an interesting person, and a complicated person. But our friendship doesn't really work right now because it is so one-sided there is so little me in the relationship. For example she has been working on the same art project for the last year. She will bring it up invariably in the conversation, and if I don't follow up, she will point out I didn't ask about the project, or didn't ask to see it, or if I did look at it I didn't make any comments about it. I actually like the project but GEESH!

 

[Begonia]

"and she was overly friendly and apologetic for a couple weeks. "

I know all about this with this person I'm referring to. I call it our honeymoon phase. She's nice and sucks me in with attention for a while, and then the very subtle %$#%*& starts to happen again. This friend of mine is very subtle at times (she's an extremely clever person - scarily so) and is very, well beyond passive aggressive about her actions. Sometimes I wonder if I am imagining things, but then I refer to the age-old question of "how does this person make you feel after you've been with her?".

Some people are like a dose of rocket fuel, or like visiting a comedy club. You just feel like you've connected and had a mental holiday. Others are emotional sharks. I think I'm answering my own question...which is, do I salvage the friendship or walk away?

The more people I meet, the more I like my bird!

 

[Black Jade]

We all judge people.
Thanks goodness too; it's healthy.

Sounds like a good candidate for an ex-friend.

Unfortunately, my best friend since I was 3 and my best friend from college are both playing on my last nerve. Best friend #1 has been a judgmental bleep about my accident and #2 wrote me, how should I say, "bad" email that was followed up by a phone conversation where he explained himself by contradicting a long term understanding we had about a certain event.

They are both kind of, I don't want to say being enemies, but I don't have the energy. So far, I have tried and even succeeded in not letting myself be provoked, but only out of respect for the fact I've known these two for so long and #1 is a friend of the family, especially my mom.

Sigh.

That's hard. Sorry.
In my experience, frenemies don't stay in your life long. You don't actually have to do anything. They work themselves up to a real frenzy of jealousy (which is essentially always the problem), pick a fight and then vanish. Problem over.
the trick then though to not remember the nasty things they said on the way out. Because they were close to you, they know JUST the things to say on the way out to keep you worrying over what they accused you of. There's never much truth in it--but there's always just enough to make you miserable, if you let it, and to keep you wondering what you did to provoke this (which was nada, nothing, zilch, trust me on this.)

 

[partgypsy]

I don't have per se, but I have a strange relationship with my SIL. She and her brother my husband are very close. When he and I started dated she never warmed up to me because she sees me as "competition" for his affection (it used to be he would drop everything to help her, etc). I would like to have a warmer relationship with her, but I don't think it will ever happen at this point.

I also have a friend, that I will just call it a difficult or complicated friendship. Since I've had kids and she's gotten older she has become more rigid/controlling (things have to be done on her terms), and is also more critical of me. She has also said a number of unintentionally hurtful/catty things to me. We used to see each other once a week, had a mutual meeting place. It's become a habit where she bails on that place, and wants me to come to her house instead. I go to her house, and suggest maybe next time coming to my house or some other place, but then she invariably cancels or blows it off, suggests instead either her house again, or some event or time she knows that won't work with my schedule. While she works part time and has no kids (I work full time and have 2 kids, some evenings I am responsible for), she has a whole list of rules how and when I contact her, while if she contacts me she feels I should drop everything, get a babysitter to hang out with her. So, we end up seeing each other about once a month (when I visit her). This is fine with me, except she invariably turns it into a fault finding guilt trip how I'm not being a good friend, failed in my friendship. I used to run around trying to please her and agree to her various "rules" of how and when we do things; but have gotten OK with saying no. We probably have a more superficial relationship than we used to, but healthier for me. You have to give someone the power to control you or your emotions.

That is an unfortunate situation partgypsy.
Any way you could share how you are feeling with her about this? Otherwise what is the point? She sounds beyond difficult but maybe if you made her more aware of her behavior she would make more of an effort for a balanced friendship. Sorry some people are so clueless and/or so narcissistic and think the world revolves around them.

Ah, digging up an old thread. Just wanted to post it is FINALLY over with this person. I emailed her an apology about the last time we hung out wasn't feeling my best, which she used as an opening to criticize me (yet again), leading to successively more bizarre emails. After the last most strange one I emailed "how about we take a break", her response was "I don't think I'll be coming back." GOODBYE Honestly part of me is really angry because I did see her as a friend, when she really wasn't. On the other hand, I am relieved I no longer have to worry about her feelings and her making me feel bad anymore.

 

[partgypsy]

I just wanted to do a follow up. Maybe I should mention I'm a middle child, and am used to always being the negotiator and mediator to get people together or get along. A couple people we mutually know were really surprised to hear that we are not friends. She had a get together with some mutual friends and didn't mention it. So it is strange. I know she is not part of my biological family, but I considered her part of my "emotional" family.
My husband says its sad you two are not friends, why don't I just apologize so we can be friends again?

The truth is, as time passes I feel less hard towards her and more philosophical about the situation. However I explained to my husband, that with her I'm always put in a position of apologizing, even when I didn't do anything. I asked him if he had any friendships which were based on that kind of interaction, and he said no. I'm a pretty easy going person and it is hard to me to think any one thing is unforgivable. And just for smoothness I'm sure if I have a big group party or dinners I will include her.

But I think it is interesting, a month and a half, and she hasn't called, and can surmise, she is waiting for ME to call and make amends. In one of her last emails she brings up I borrowed a calculator from her a year ago and never returned it. Since I do not know what calcuator she is referring to I am ordering a calculator and will leave it on her doorstep. Then my conscience will be clear.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

But I think it is interesting, a month and a half, and she hasn't called, and can surmise, she is waiting for ME to call and make amends. In one of her last emails she brings up I borrowed a calculator from her a year ago and never returned it. Since I do not know what calcuator she is referring to I am ordering a calculator and will leave it on her doorstep. Then my conscience will be clear.

This will just open the door for her to come back into your life. Back to the apologies and doormat status..are you sure you need this to clear your conscience?

 

[partgypsy]

well I'd hate for her to lord it over me that I borrowed her calculator and didn't return it . So yes, I do feel I need to do this. Since we do know so many mutual people even if I wanted to, not like we would never run into each other, so might as well make it less awkward. It has already come up, people planning things which would involve both of us so it is inevitable. We are not in 7th grade so I'm sure we can both behave. Just not going to plan things one on one with her.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

My mom.... Sad I know...