The inlaws are coming....

[LitigatorChick]

this weekend. Yikes. This is the first visit post treatment for my post partum anxiety, and I am very very VERY worried about this. They can push my buttons and be rude like no one else I know, which will undoubtedly make me very anxious. I actually have an appointment with my counsellor for the day after they live (she wouldn''t stay with me at my house this weekend - yes, I asked - joking of course).

Anyhoo, trying to come up with coping mechanisms and responses. Here is what I have so far:

- they insult Miller (likely, they will say he doesn''t talk enough). My response "He has recently been to his doctor, who thinks he is just doing great for his age."

- they make us feel bad about our style of living (likely, seems ridiculous to spend so much money on shoes/clothes/cars). My response "???????"

- they use their last name for Miller and not Miller''s last name. My response "His name is actually ___. It is confusing when you use your last name for him."

- coping mechanisms include taking Miller alone to the park, martinis, calling my mom, and planning lots of activities with other people (we have a Stampede breakfast planned Saturday, an extended family brunch on Sunday).

Any ideas???

 

[cellososweet]

I can't help but notice that there is no mention of your DH. I don't want to pop his arse on the grill, but if this is making you nervous and anxious enough to have to see a counselor the day after they leave, perhaps they shouldn't be coming at all. This is your house and your child too. You shouldn't have to deal with insensitive remarks, etc and as a parent, the best way of protecting Miller is by giving him a household that has parents who are not stressed out and tension filled. I know that it isn't fair to keep grandparents away from their grandchildren, but if they can't behave and shut their mouths like adults, there needs to either be other arrangements or no arrangement at all.

As Ellie Roosevelt said: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"

Time for a change sweetheart. Talk to DH and put your damn foot down. I know you have some spunk in there Tell him that you want his parents to have a relationship with all of you, but this is causing you anxiety to the point of depression. He needs to handle his parents. He needs to set boundaries. And if they cross them, there needs to be consequences that are spelled out and simple. Ohhh it makes me so mad.

Please talk to him. You can't run to the spa/bar/friends house forever. That's avoiding the situation, not fixing it.

And for the record: I have a loooooong history of crazy in-law issues (that have since been resolved because I did the above.) (((hug))))) it's the worst.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/9/2008 10:13:09 AM
Author: cellososweet
I can't help but notice that there is no mention of your DH. I don't want to pop his arse on the grill, but if this is making you nervous and anxious enough to have to see a counselor the day after they leave, perhaps they shouldn't be coming at all. This is your house and your child too. You shouldn't have to deal with insensitive remarks, etc and as a parent, the best way of protecting Miller is by giving him a household that has parents who are not stressed out and tension filled. I know that it isn't fair to keep grandparents away from their grandchildren, but if they can't behave and shut their mouths like adults, there needs to either be other arrangements or no arrangement at all.

As Ellie Roosevelt said: 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission'

Time for a change sweetheart. Talk to DH and put your damn foot down. I know you have some spunk in there Tell him that you want his parents to have a relationship with all of you, but this is causing you anxiety to the point of depression. He needs to handle his parents. He needs to set boundaries. And if they cross them, there needs to be consequences that are spelled out and simple. Ohhh it makes me so mad.

Please talk to him. You can't run to the spa/bar/friends house forever. That's avoiding the situation, not fixing it.

And for the record: I have a loooooong history of crazy in-law issues (that have since been resolved because I did the above.) (((hug))))) it's the worst.

Ditto CS, I know this is hard for you LC, but you need to set the boundaries, and if your outlaws persist with their obnoxious and interfering behaviour, there do indeed need to be consequences!! Deliberately referring to your son by another name is crossing the line in a major way - it has to be your way or the highway for these people and you need to make that crystal clear!!

I have read some past issues with them and they sound dreadful, but the only way to put a stop to this is to spell it out to them. They do this because they know they can get away with it, you can put a stop to it!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

I have tried to deal with them in the past, to no success. You can''t fight with pigs - you get dirty and they like it.

DH sees no problem with his parents and regards me as too sensitive. I have realized that I cannot lean on DH for support, particularly in this department.

I just need to get through 72 hours.

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 7/9/2008 10:24:28 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I have tried to deal with them in the past, to no success. You can''t fight with pigs - you get dirty and they like it.

DH sees no problem with his parents and regards me as too sensitive. I have realized that I cannot lean on DH for support, particularly in this department.

I just need to get through 72 hours.

This is a huge flag honey. Have you considered counseling together. He is totally disregarding your feeling and that is not ok.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Hi Cello. I have a prior thread, when a visit was planned, but fell through: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/inlaw-troubles.81459/page-3

DH will not go to counselling, with me or alone. He thinks it is "artsy, touchy feely, crap".

 

[Linda W]

LC, I can''t believe your husband won''t stand up for you, especially when they won''t even call HIS son by his right name. What in the world is wrong with him???? He thinks this kind of behavior by his parents is OK???

I would not even let these nasty people into my house.

 

[Lorelei]

* sigh* I do feel for you LC, but you will have to take the bull by the horns yourself if your Husband is STILL unwilling to even acknowledge there is a problem , and lay the law down!!! Then your Husband might finally realize you mean business. Otherwise this state of affairs will get worse and continue for the rest of your life and your sons.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/9/2008 10:51:16 AM
Author: Lorelei
* sigh* I do feel for you LC, but you will have to take the bull by the horns yourself if your Husband is STILL unwilling to even acknowledge there is a problem , and lay the law down!!! Then your Husband might finally realize you mean business. Otherwise this state of affairs will get worse and continue for the rest of your life and your sons.

I agree with Lorelei completely. Now is the time, for yourself AND Miller to stand up for yourself and let them know you won''t take their cr*p anymore. YOU deserve it!!!

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree with the other ladies that something has to be done, in the meantime, be careful not to come across as defensive. I think using humor might be more effectice. E.g.

Date: 7/9/2008 9:04:40 AM
Author:LitigatorChick


- they insult Miller (likely, they will say he doesn't talk enough). My response 'He has recently been to his doctor, who thinks he is just doing great for his age.'

This sounds super defensive. Instead, why not say "He talks plenty when you're not around!" OK, that's mean. How about "Well, you know what they say! Still waters run deep."

- they make us feel bad about our style of living (likely, seems ridiculous to spend so much money on shoes/clothes/cars). My response '???????'

Here I think you just say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't engage!

- they use their last name for Miller and not Miller's last name. My response 'His name is actually ___. It is confusing when you use your last name for him.'

Here I would reply by calling them by different names. Jane and John or something. When they look confused, you can just say "Oh, when you were calling Miller by the wrong name, I thought it was a game we were all playing of calling people by random names!"

Just my two cents. Don't get defensive, and don't engage.

The best approach is just to lay down the law to them directly and clearly. "if you're going to be welcome in our home, you need to stop doing X, Y, and Z because it makes me feel upset and anxious and disrespected. If you can't be kind and polite, I'd rather you not visit." I did this when my dad's wife started in on me about drinking coffee while pregnant, and I think it will work.

 

[Miranda]

Oh no Lit chick! Good luck - I hope you do ok! I don''t mean to make light of your situation, but, when I read the title of your thread the Jaws music went through my head.

 

[iluvcarats]

[ - they make us feel bad about our style of living (likely, seems ridiculous to spend so much money on shoes/clothes/cars). My response ''???????''




They might not like the way you are living, but it still is YOUR house! I am sure that there are plenty of hotels in the area...

It sucks when the in-laws are out-laws!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 7/9/2008 12:21:42 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 7/9/2008 10:51:16 AM
Author: Lorelei
* sigh* I do feel for you LC, but you will have to take the bull by the horns yourself if your Husband is STILL unwilling to even acknowledge there is a problem , and lay the law down!!! Then your Husband might finally realize you mean business. Otherwise this state of affairs will get worse and continue for the rest of your life and your sons.

I agree with Lorelei completely. Now is the time, for yourself AND Miller to stand up for yourself and let them know you won't take their cr*p anymore. YOU deserve it!!!

I'll have to say ditto to that. This is NOT acceptable. No matter who it comes from or whether you're being sensitive or not, their attitude is toxic to you and your husband should NOT stand for it. You are his WIFE and Miller is his SON. Your husband needs to learn to stand up to for his FAMILY. And his family, his priority, is NOT his dear parents, but YOU and MILLER!!! I wish I lived closer to you guys so I could knock that into him.

I'm sorry your going through this. Hopefully you putting your foot down will open your husband's eyes. That said, good for you for taking steps to help yourself and being proactive. Go you strong woman!

 

[swingirl]

You are wondering how to respond to their comments. Don't respond! Your child will not be harmed by being called the wrong name, he just won't answer. But you could start calling you husband by his last name to confuse everyone.

The way you live and spend money is your choice so don't feel it's something you have to justify. If you have a need to say anything tell them that's they way their son likes it and you just have to go along.

Miller doesn't talk enough. If they are just commenting, you don't need to respond. If they pursue it, agree with them and tell them since you were a very early talker it must be your husband's side of the family that has delayed speech. But hubby turned out okay so you are not worried.

In other words, either ignore it or turn it around so the insult they throw at you goes back to them.

 

[princesss]

Is there any way you can talk with DH before and say, "Look, this stresses me out, it upsets me, I don''t care if you think I''m being ridiculous, but this truly upsets me. If I feel stressed out and feel that they are purposefully upsetting me and my child, I will take Miller and go to a hotel until they leave."

Because seriously, if you''re seeing a counselor and your DH refuses to acknowledge your feelings, you need to take measures to ensure your own mental health. And it sounds like not being around these people will be the best thing for you.

 

[diamondfan]

Believe me I feel your pain. I cannot stand my mother in law. She is nasty and inappropriate and sets my teeth on edge. I know what you are dealing with.

I might say, since you just went through a spiral with your mental state, I might veto a visit right now. (but truth be told I never want my mother in law around so that is not always the anwser!!!). But coming so soon on the heels of your discovery and beginning the help process, this might not be the best time.

If they say ANYTHING nasty or negative, I would nip it then and there. My thing nowadays is to call my mother in law out immediately. I do not stew and let it fester, I try to be calm as I do it, but I do not ignore things like I used to. For example, if they impugn your lifestyle, shrug and smile, and just say, "Well, it works for us and we are happy". Then stop, do not justify, continue to answer etc. Each time they say something about your lifestyle, repeat that, and stop. Seriously, it is like training a dog. No more, no back and forth. End it. If they say anything about your son, I would be a bit more defensive, and say, This is your grandson. I find your comments offensive. He is doing just fine and I really do not appreciate your remarks. (to me, it is not cool to do that if they are nasty. If they were trying to be helpful and give you advice, and were decent, I might say take their comments with a grain of salt and know it was not viscious or demeaning). Or you could say, Thanks for your concern (sarcasm noted here) but he is just fine. This is a tough row to hoe as honestly you cannot just ignore them as if they are anything like my mother in law they will just keep going til they make you want to strangle them.

I would also have, maybe with your therapist there, a very serious conversation with hubby about their visit, the perameters and boundaries etc. I would frankly be blunt and use your recent issues as a springboard to say that now especially this is not okay. Be your own advocate and be strong. This is harmful to you, and you have a right to speak up. You do not have to be subjected to this, and sometimes there are consequences to actions that are not pleasant. If they misbehave, they got sanctioned, plain and simple. No emotion involved, just, if you persist in doing X, you will not be welcomed in my home. It is clear, simple, straighforward.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 7/9/2008 12:21:46 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I agree with the other ladies that something has to be done, in the meantime, be careful not to come across as defensive. I think using humor might be more effectice. E.g.

Date: 7/9/2008 9:04:40 AM
Author:LitigatorChick


- they insult Miller (likely, they will say he doesn''t talk enough). My response ''He has recently been to his doctor, who thinks he is just doing great for his age.''

This sounds super defensive. Instead, why not say ''He talks plenty when you''re not around!'' OK, that''s mean. How about ''Well, you know what they say! Still waters run deep.''

- they make us feel bad about our style of living (likely, seems ridiculous to spend so much money on shoes/clothes/cars). My response ''???????''

Here I think you just say ''I''m sorry you feel that way.'' Don''t engage!

- they use their last name for Miller and not Miller''s last name. My response ''His name is actually ___. It is confusing when you use your last name for him.''

Here I would reply by calling them by different names. Jane and John or something. When they look confused, you can just say ''Oh, when you were calling Miller by the wrong name, I thought it was a game we were all playing of calling people by random names!''

Just my two cents. Don''t get defensive, and don''t engage.

The best approach is just to lay down the law to them directly and clearly. ''if you''re going to be welcome in our home, you need to stop doing X, Y, and Z because it makes me feel upset and anxious and disrespected. If you can''t be kind and polite, I''d rather you not visit.'' I did this when my dad''s wife started in on me about drinking coffee while pregnant, and I think it will work.

I like all these solutions, but if attacking the situation head-on is not an option, for whatever reason, then calmly ignoring it all may be the only way to go.

 

[diamondfan]

PS LC, you could always say, Funny, Miller is SO chatty around people he likes...huh. Or, He is so chatty when he feels comfortable around people...(and let them fill in the blank!)

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 7/9/2008 10:51:16 AM
Author: Lorelei
* sigh* I do feel for you LC, but you will have to take the bull by the horns yourself if your Husband is STILL unwilling to even acknowledge there is a problem , and lay the law down!!! Then your Husband might finally realize you mean business. Otherwise this state of affairs will get worse and continue for the rest of your life and your sons.

I totally agree.

Based on your prior posts, this is a HUGE issue for you LC. I don''t think some coping strategies and jokes and martinis are going to fix this.

I think it is absolutely awful that your DH does not stick up for you or Miller. I assume he must have a lot of other great qualities as you really seem to give him a free pass on this one...saying he''ll explode if you guys stay at a hotel, that he won''t see a counselor, that he sees you as too sensitive and that you can''t lean on him for support and that is sort of the end of the discussion. It shouldn''t be. What they are doing can have a horrible impact on Miller. He is a child who doesn''t deserve to be treated that way.

For real.

This is about so much more than getting through 72 hours - because it doesn''t end after they leave...because you know they will be coming back and stressing out, and the cycle will begin again.

 

[Kaleigh]

LC, If hubby won''t stand up for you, then do it yourself.

Take them aside, and say look. I will not be treated in this manner. I will not tolerate this behaviour. It''s hurtful to me, and to my son. Let alone to my marriage to your son.

I did that to my MIL ages ago. It worked, we get along well know. It was driving me nuts, her passive agressive crap. I had to tell her to cut it out. I don''t think anyone had ever had the balls to call her on it. Till me, that is.

Good luck!!! You are a strong woman. You''re a great litigator, use that power with your in laws!!

 

[~*Snow*~]

LC: If i remember correctly you are in AB, and you also mentioned the stampeded so i''m pretty sure you are. Every watch Slice? A little show called Out-laws In-laws... given her a call! A nice little surprise for your inlaws when they show up!!

 

[diamondfan]

LC, I know you have not been back here as yet but wanted to add one thing.

You are strong, but this ppd has been tough on you. You need to be your strongest voice, for you and Miller. I would sit hubby down and approach him without rancor but also without giving him room to get out of what is fair. Tell him, if you want them to visit, fine. here are the groundrules. I am battling a mental health issue, and I will not sit here and be treated like this, nor will I allow our son to be around this energy. I would like to have your support on this, but no matter what, Miller and I will take care of ourselves. If your parents come and you insist they stay in this house, I expect your support when I am upset and if they act inappropriately, they can go to a hotel or I can go and take Miller. I am not threatening anything, I am spelling out that this is what is going to be occuring while they are here. I need you to to step up for us, protect us, because I need that right now.

I would not back down. I would stand firm and be consistent. In a way, you must reshape your hubby and how he sees and deals with his parents where you and Miller are concerned. It is not an easy task but you can do it. You do not have to have malicious and nasty energy in your home. If they must come and see Miller and their son, it is either a hotel, or, if they stay with you, agreed upon perameters BEFORE they appear. And that means also hubby sitting them down and being real about it. Tension is tension and both you and Miller will be around it even if no one says a thing. Be proactive about a plan because this seems not like an "if" but a "when".

 

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks everyone for your support and advise.

After I posted, my SIL called me at work. She started off by saying she was very worried about me. I asked why, and she said the inlaws had been over and were cutting me down in a huge way. She defended me, but she wanted to warn me.

I just feel like puking in a corner. I know what is coming and I feel entirely helpless to stop it.

I understand everyone''s posts about DH needing to step up. He won''t. Full stop. Last time my SIL and BIL were here, we were joking about his parents'' "shrines" to each of their sons (their bedrooms have remained the same as when they moved out and various childhood items have been added - weird!), and my DH didn''t like it and said to me "don''t make me choose between you or my parents, because I know who I will pick". My SIL was appalled, and commented on this again today. I told her that this is typical - I have heard this for years. Even when I would cook lasagne, DH would say "mom''s is better". DH has issues here, and I do not have the professional skills to fix them. I have got to accept this as it is, at least for this weekend.

I need to set boundaries - I haven''t in the past, they push to the edge and beyond, and either I tell them to piss off or I am abused inside. Not a good scene. So my PLAN (still working on it) is to sit them down when they show up and say from now on, I have some boundaries and they will be followed. They include treating my son in an appropriate and kind manner and not insulting me. If these boundaries are respected, we can have an amicable relationship.

I can''t include in this plan any mention that it is hurtful to me when they overstep: this will be blood in the water and put them on the attack. I need to be firm, but not aggressive.

What do you think?

 

[iheartscience]

If my husband wouldn''t stand up for me or his child, I would dump his ass so fast he wouldn''t even know what hit him. Seriously. He can go back to mommy and daddy''s house and live in his shrine. His behavior is the real problem here-I hope you realize that. His refusal to go to counseling, his saying he would pick his parents over you and his CHILD, you saying he would "explode" if you took your child and left the house to go to a hotel. I''m just sitting here wondering why you''re even still with him.

As for the in-laws, if they started in with any of their crap, I would simply say "If you want to stay here and visit us, you need to refrain from attacking me or my son in any way. If you do so again, you will be asked to leave." And then follow through. If they attack you or your son, ask them to leave, and mean it. If they won''t leave, call the police. You just need to be strong-they''ll get the hint really quickly if they see that you mean what you say.

 

[littlelysser]

LC - Ugh. I''m so sorry you have to go through this. It just stinks. I wanted to make sure that I said that. And I totally understand what you are saying about your DH - I hope I didn''t come off too harsh. It wasn''t my intent.

I think your plan is a good one.

I do have one suggestion - before you set the boundaries, maybe butter them up, oh so slightly. They seem like the sort of people that would really be influenced by that. I''m not saying lie...but perhaps if Miller is excited about their visit, make sure to tell them that and say that you hope their visit will be a pleasant one. Something to soften the blow so to say...make sure they aren''t on the defensive? Does that make sense? Then have the talk.

And even if you aren''t going to tell them what you would do should the act like jerks, I''d definitely have a plan for it. If they say something that upsets you or Miller, what will you do? Diffuse it with humor and hope they''ll get it? Take Miller to the park? Go get some icecream? I think if you sort of have stuff mapped out, you''ll feel a lot calmer in the situation. Ya know, prepare for everything!

Are you going to tell DH what you plan to do? Just wondering.

Regardless, I''ll be sending calming vibes up north!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''ll be thinking of you this weekend!

I don''t, however, think that this situation merits immediate divorce of your husband or shunning of his parents.

I do think it merits insisting that your husband reach a consensus with you about boundaries. From what you''ve shared, I don''t see enough dysfunction or abusive behavior to merit cutting all ties with his parents, but I think you can say, "If they do x [call him the wrong name, criticize me, etc.], then I will y [ask them to leave, take Miller and go to a park, etc.].

Your post and the reactions it received struck a nerve with me, I guess because I have some experience with toxic inlaws. My sister has inlaws she describes similarly to yours -- always seeming to disapprove, difficult, call her by her husband''s first wife''s name and her daughter by some made up name. But I have dealt with actual personality disorders, psychotic behavior, behaviors which put themselves and us at danger, and lying and manipulation on the part of my inlaws. These are the kinds of behaviors that warrant cutting people off, and refusing to see them or letting them see your child. But your inlaws being a difficult in a non-psychotic, sitcom kind of way . . . IMO that does not mean your husband has committed an unforgiveable sin by not cutting them off entirely.

There''s stress (which we all deal with -- who doesn''t have a coworker or neighbor or family member who causes them stress?), and then there''s "oh crap, I''m dealing with crazy people here who are actually going ot keep abusing me unless I put a stop to it." If it''s the former, use your counselor, and your martini strategy, and calling your mother, but I wouldn''t kick them out of your house or call the divorce lawyer quite yet. If it''s the latter, then I wish you luck in getting your husband to discuss how to cut off contact and getting him the support he needs to see his situation for what it really is (because if they really are toxic and they raised him, obviously he is going into this with blinders).

 

[diamondfan]

LC, I would not say it hurts you either. They are not the type to be sensitive. They are not going to have a sudden epiphany and say to each other, Gosh, she is right! We have been cruel or nasty or blah blah. Truth be told if they were sensitive they would likely not be this bad in their actions.

I would just let them situate for a moment, and then say, I need to have a brief word with you. When they sit down, just begin. "I want to make it clear that while you are here, under OUR roof, I need to be clear as to MY expectations of how this visit should go. Miller and I expect that you will be kind and caring, and that you will refrain from being insulting or mean. If you cannot refrain, then you will be asked to leave my home. I want to make Fred (hubby) happy and would like Miller to get to spend some time with both of you if you are willing to be loving grandparents, BUT, based on past experience this is not the case. Therefore, I want things to be clear so that there are NO misunderstandings later."

If they protest or argue, stop them and say, I do not expect you to concede this point now. Think about what I have said to you, and let''s all be adults and make the right choices so this visit is successful.

 

[Kaleigh]

LC,
I suggest you get counseling for yourself after they leave. I think your DH is plain blind to what you are going through. In a perfect world it would be great for him to join you in counseling. I hope that will happen. But you''re under a rock and a hard place. If someone treated me like that?? I''d have a bunch of things to say back. SO, it''s YOUR time, to let YOUR voice be HEARD. Use our voice, speak your mind. If they don''t like it??? screw it.

They are staying in YOUR house, and if they disrespect you, your child and your marriage, you need to have at it!!!!!

 

[pennquaker09]

OKay, so the hubby is so not right on this one. Like it''s kind of making my blood boil. I don''t have any experience with this, but I just want to tell you that I''m behind you. I imagine that if it were me, A) Nate would more than likely be out of the door and, B) His mom and dad would get it. If my in laws said the same things are yours are saying, I would go at them with a vengeance. Like, I am so serious. Diamondfan is right, do go back and forth, put her in her place and be done with it. If they can''t handle it, tell them to leave and if hubby is sticking with them, send him with them.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/9/2008 11:24:42 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone for your support and advise.

After I posted, my SIL called me at work. She started off by saying she was very worried about me. I asked why, and she said the inlaws had been over and were cutting me down in a huge way. She defended me, but she wanted to warn me.

I just feel like puking in a corner. I know what is coming and I feel entirely helpless to stop it.

I understand everyone''s posts about DH needing to step up. He won''t. Full stop. Last time my SIL and BIL were here, we were joking about his parents'' ''shrines'' to each of their sons (their bedrooms have remained the same as when they moved out and various childhood items have been added - weird!), and my DH didn''t like it and said to me ''don''t make me choose between you or my parents, because I know who I will pick''. My SIL was appalled, and commented on this again today. I told her that this is typical - I have heard this for years. Even when I would cook lasagne, DH would say ''mom''s is better''. DH has issues here, and I do not have the professional skills to fix them. I have got to accept this as it is, at least for this weekend.

I need to set boundaries - I haven''t in the past, they push to the edge and beyond, and either I tell them to piss off or I am abused inside. Not a good scene. So my PLAN (still working on it) is to sit them down when they show up and say from now on, I have some boundaries and they will be followed. They include treating my son in an appropriate and kind manner and not insulting me. If these boundaries are respected, we can have an amicable relationship.

I can''t include in this plan any mention that it is hurtful to me when they overstep: this will be blood in the water and put them on the attack. I need to be firm, but not aggressive.

What do you think?

I am sorry I am absolutely appalled he would say this....That he would choose his parents over his wife and son, am I understanding correctly?