Ran into a little snag...wonder if you can help

[fieryred33143]

FI and I recently found out we''re expecting (as most of you know). That said, I am the MOH for a friend''s wedding.

So here''s all of the "snags"

1. The dress: I bought it in a bigger size with the intention of altering a few weeks before the wedding. Now I''m thinking that I shouldn''t alter the dress at all because I really don''t know how I''ll be 4 weeks from now. I don''t think I''ll be showing but also don''t know if in the chest area, I''ll be bigger or the same (that''s the main area that needs to be altered). Plus, while she will never say this or ever admit it to me, I think she was looking forward to me losing some weight for the wedding (as was I) and I''m just hoping now that I won''t gain any.

2. Telling her. I wanted to wait until after her wedding to say something. And when I say after, I mean weeks after. I don''t want her worrying about me during the wedding. And on top of that, she found out she had ovarian cancer early this year when she went in to the doctor to discuss taking fertility treatments so she can try to have a baby after the wedding. She had a hysterectomy performed and obviously now cannot have children

. I know she''s going to have a hard time with this news. Not because she''s selfish or wouldn''t wish us good luck, but because every pregnant woman reminds her that she can''t have any and I don''t want to do that to her before the wedding. The problem is that I''m in charge of her bachelorette party and have to give a toast. How do I get through that without her noticing that I''m not drinking AT ALL?

 

[robbie3982]

Fiery,

As far as not drinking, what lots of people do before it''s public knowledge is drink things like "screwdrivers" or "vodka" and cranberry, things that are easy to fake. You''d be surprised how easy it is to pull it off especially when everyone around you is drunk

.

You definitely won''t be showing 4 weeks from now. You may be bloated though. As far as boobs, it seems like everyone is different. My friend who''s about to deliver hasn''t gained even a cup size, just gotten fuller. With my last pregnancy (I miscarried in September) my boobs went up 2 cup sizes pretty much immediately, this time, however, they''ve gotten fuller, but haven''t required a bra size jump. I''d definitely wait until the last minute to alter the dress.

As for telling her, I''d tell her when you''re ready to tell everyone else.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/5/2008 10:46:43 AM
Author:fieryred33143
FI and I recently found out we''re expecting (as most of you know). That said, I am the MOH for a friend''s wedding.

So here''s all of the ''snags''

1. The dress: I bought it in a bigger size with the intention of altering a few weeks before the wedding. Now I''m thinking that I shouldn''t alter the dress at all because I really don''t know how I''ll be 4 weeks from now. I don''t think I''ll be showing but also don''t know if in the chest area, I''ll be bigger or the same (that''s the main area that needs to be altered). Plus, while she will never say this or ever admit it to me, I think she was looking forward to me losing some weight for the wedding (as was I) and I''m just hoping now that I won''t gain any.

2. Telling her. I wanted to wait until after her wedding to say something. And when I say after, I mean weeks after. I don''t want her worrying about me during the wedding. And on top of that, she found out she had ovarian cancer early this year when she went in to the doctor to discuss taking fertility treatments so she can try to have a baby after the wedding. She had a hysterectomy performed and obviously now cannot have children

. I know she''s going to have a hard time with this news. Not because she''s selfish or wouldn''t wish us good luck, but because every pregnant woman reminds her that she can''t have any and I don''t want to do that to her before the wedding. The problem is that I''m in charge of her bachelorette party and have to give a toast. How do I get through that without her noticing that I''m not drinking AT ALL?

Few quick answers...

1) I''m 12 weeks and have only just found that my trouser waistbands are not doing up too well. On the chest side, I have gone up about half a size, but that happened very quickly (by week 5) and they haven''t increased anymore yet.

Obviously everyone is different, but I wouldn''t think you''d put on much in 4 weeks. Only thing to watch is the ''bloat'' - total nightmare and can make you look as if you are 6 months when you are 6 weeks...

2) Very tricky one and I understand not telling her. I don''t drink more than about 4 units a year anyway, but most people don''t ever realise. I tend to drink Red Bull or Lime Soda if I''m out, both of which can easily look as if they might have a shot of something in them. Otherwise, just say you are taking antibiotics and can''t drink at the moment. I don''t drink as it doesn''t mix with my painkillers - lots of plausible excuses out there.

 

[purrfectpear]

You''re best friends. Best friends don''t keep secrets from each other. I would tell her now and she will have time to digest the news. Yes she''s hurt she can''t have children but she is not so self centered that she thinks the world revolves around her. You wouldn''t be "doing" anything to her. You would be a friend who shares the good and the bad, and has trust that the bond between you is about honesty (not treating each other like kids who have to be kept from truth). Just my opinion.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 11/5/2008 12:29:34 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''re best friends. Best friends don''t keep secrets from each other. I would tell her now and she will have time to digest the news. Yes she''s hurt she can''t have children but she is not so self centered that she thinks the world revolves around her. You wouldn''t be ''doing'' anything to her. You would be a friend who shares the good and the bad, and has trust that the bond between you is about honesty (not treating each other like kids who have to be kept from truth). Just my opinion.

Although I completely agree with this policy in 99% of situations, this bride has proven to be an absolute nightmare for Fiery. She has been demanding, exhausting, self-centered, and totally ungrateful for Fiery''s extensive help and selflessness. Honestly, I think it might be better for Fiery to keep the secret until after the wedding--at that point she can decide if she even wants to stay friends with the girl! Also, I think that given the standard amount of time that people usually wait to announce their pregnancy, it would not be a major slight or faux pas to continue to keep the secret. There could be (Heaven forbid!) an issue with the pregnancy, and I feel like it''s not a problem to only tell family during the first trimester.

As for not drinking, Fiery, you have to be a little sneaky, but it''s pretty easy to camouflage. You can have a conversation with the bartender beforehand about not wanting to drink, but wanting it to appear as if you are, and have him or her just give you soda with lime. Antibiotics also make a great excuse. For the toast, it is really not going to hurt if you have one sip of champagne--absolutely no need to down a whole glass. You can also "pretend" to take a sip, and I doubt anyone will notice.

 

[neatfreak]

As the MOH I think it''s perfectly acceptable not to drink at the wedding, so you can be alert for anything the bride might need. Trust me, unless YOU mention it, no one will even notice.

As for the dress, you won''t be showing in 4 weeks guaranteed. It''s possible your chest might get a teensy bit bigger, but really, I don''t think it will be a big deal. Just make sure it''s a bit roomy in the chest and you''ll be fine.

Don''t tell her if you are choosing to keep it a secret from everyone until you are 12 weeks. If other people know however, or if she asks, I wouldn''t lie to her. I''d tell her the truth and just say that you were waiting to tell her until after the wedding so that the focus would be on her.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 11/5/2008 1:30:25 PM
Author: neatfreak

Don''t tell her if you are choosing to keep it a secret from everyone until you are 12 weeks. If other people know however, or if she asks, I wouldn''t lie to her. I''d tell her the truth and just say that you were waiting to tell her until after the wedding so that the focus would be on her.

You are so wise, neatfreak. I think that would be the perfect way to handle the situation with this bride.

 

[swingirl]

Don't mention your pregnancy as it's no one's business and you are correct in thinking it will make her sad. Brides are very emotional and cancer survivors are too. So together it's going to be really tough on her.

A few sips of alcohol or a glass of wine will not harm you. But I'll never understand why anyone has to hid what they choose to drink. Who sniff tests your glass to see what's in it? Who keeps track of how many drinks you have?

Years ago no one even knew they were pregnant until 2-3 months in to it. And most women wouldn't even mention they were pregnant unit the 12th week because of miscarriage possibilities. So keep your news private. 4 weeks probably will not make a difference in your figure especially for the first pregnancy.

 

[Blenheim]

I''d put off altering the dress as long as possible. I was so bloated by the time that I was 4 weeks pregnant that I couldn''t get my pants buttoned, while other women lose weight because they have so much trouble getting food down. Most people are somewhere in the middle, but you can''t know exactly how your body will react ahead of time.

As for saying that you can''t drink because of antibiotics - don''t do it! I think there was someone on here whose husband used that excuse for her. It turns out that he was telling a doctor this, and there''s only one antibiotic where you can''t drink alcohol, and it''s used to treat pretty icky things. And the doctor knew that! If you want to use a drug excuse, there are much better ones. Pain killers can excuse not drinking and excuse sleepiness in one blow, for example.

Since you''re planning the bachelorette party, it would be wise to avoid a wine bar or steak place or other place where most people are going to be drinking wine and might want to split a bottle. This one gave me away to some people. Cocktails are so much easier to fake.

 

[JulieN]

Congrats, Fiery!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yes, I agree 100% with NeatFreak that as MOH you should tell her that you need to stay "alert." When you do the toast, a sip of champagne won''t hurt your baby. In fact, half a glass won''t, either, so drink that and then switch to tonic water.

How far along are you? When I was 8-10 weeks, by then my waist had become bloated, but I didn''t look pregnant. Just looked like I had gained a bit of weight. lol

I do not think it would be wise to tell her. Brides want to be the center of attention and what happens if other people find out you''re pregnant? Suddenly you may find many people congratulating you and your friend will become even more jealous than she would be after she finds out. "Mum" is the word. (why does "mum" mean silent on dictionary.com, but in England it means mom? how odd

 

[fieryred33143]

I decided not to mention anything until probably around January. I''ve prepared myself for how that conversation is most likely to go assuming I know her well (and I do) and its not the type of conversation for us to have before her big day. She''s not going to take it well and I''m fully expecting her to be "angry" with me while she sorts out her own feelings about everything. She hasn''t had time to really sit down and realize that she cannot have children yet and with two pregnancies in her life its going to hit her hard. Another "good" friend of hers is also pregnant and I had asked her how she felt about it. Her exact words were:

Excited, happy, thrilled, sad, envious, depressed…..my emotions are all over the spectrum…but I am ok. I can’t dwell too much on my envy and melancholy because it does nothing for me, and only takes away from what should be just absolute joy for her.

So I know that she will be ok with the news once she has had time to process everything but it will take time.

 

[*Danielle*]

I agree with everyone else. Waiting will be best, especially if you plan on holding the news back for a while anyway.

As for drinking, I doubt anyone will notice. If they do just say you are designated driver. Works for me (I seldom drink)

 

[EricaR]

I think NeatFreak has it - don''t tell her ahead of time and IF it comes up before her wedding just tell her that you were trying to keep the focus just on her.

 

[ljmorgan]

The dress -- it was a good idea to buy the dress in a size up. Just wait until the week before the wedding to have it altered, and you''re all set. This same thing happened to me, except I didn''t buy a size up -- even though I gained no weight, the week before the wedding, it stopped fitting. So I went back and grabbed a bigger size, and just had certain parts taken in. I was 11 weeks at the wedding.

The drinking -- you will be focused on this a lot more than the bride and other guests, they''ll be too busy to give it any thought. You can choose to drink a look alike, or not. If you choose not to and anyone asks, you can say that you have a headache, or that you took some cold medicine earlier and didn''t think it would be smart to have a drink. Either way you''ll be fine, don''t stress over this.

 

[vespergirl]

Hey there, I also hid my pregnancy from some people (work) for the first few months - I didn''t gain any weight at all until I was about 3 months, and when I announced my pregnancy at 4.5 months, I had only put on around 8 pounds so people couldn''t even believe I was pregnant. That said, one of my girlfriends started showing when she was only about 6 weeks, but she was eating everything in sight. If you are eating sensibly, I don''t think that you''ll gain much weight. I did go up about one bra cup size when I was about 8 weeks in, so your boobs may get bigger - I would give them room to grow.

As far as alcohol goes, maybe you can just tell people that you are taking allergy meds or something that you''re not allowed to mix with alcohol. I know that this goes against the hysterical American medical recommendations, but my dr. told me that 1/2 glass of champagne would be fine while I was pregnant. I got married when I was 13 weeks along, and she said it would be OK for me to have a sip of champagne at my wedding toast.

It sounds like anytime that you tell your friend is going to be a difficult time for her (I''m sorry to hear about her situation) but I would try to wait until after the wedding, even if it''s just right after her honeymoon that you tell her the news. As far as not losing any more weight goes, you can just always tell her that you''re on a medication that is making you gain weight - it happens.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

 

[Rhea]

Congratulations!

You''ll be fine at the toast. If you choose not to drink and want to hide that then just raise the glass to your lips and leave the glass on a table afterward. So many people don''t like champange that it''s hardly noticable if someone doesn''t finish a glass. When I don''t want to drink I tend to go for a diet coke with lime. Co-workers often go out for drinks and I just drink diet coke or tonic water the entire night - and end up on a sugar high, but it works.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

sucks to me short! Even though I was down 3 lbs at the end of my first tri I had a belly! Bloat and being short. Anyways...I think it is wise not to tell her. I also agree that the dress should fit fine. Didn''t you just post that you lost 4 lbs...so you have room to grow. Have fun at the wedding and congrats on the baby!

 

[diamondfan]

You can certainly skip it, it is so easy to fake it or just say you have a headache, or tell her you are on medication and cannot have alcohol. Not sure anyone will really make an issue, they will be busy doing their own thing. I rarely would comment about someone not drinking. A friend of ours just came out of rehab and does not drink at parties, so I just learned it best to not point that out and make a to do about it.

Also, you weigh what you weigh. There should not be any conditions. And you cannot not try to gain, it sort of happens in the beginning, you sort of swell a bit, may be in your face, your boobs, etc, it does not so much have to do with food, it is more about fluid retention and hormones. You should drink water, keep salt reasonable, and eat carefully anyway, not just for her to be okay with how you look.

I understand that you do not wish to impact her day and you are worried as she cannot have her own kids. I am sure it is tough for her to grapple with, and maybe she will adopt or have a surrogate, but I am sure that is not on her mind right now. It is sweet of you to be concerned, and I am not sure what is best. Will she feel upset that she was left out of things or will she appreciate your concern for her? I have two friends who were unable to have kids. One adopted but was still resentful when friends got pregnant. She would make very nasty comments about weight gain and pregnancy symptoms. People then did not share their news with her til it was obvious and did not discuss things in her presence. The other was thrilled for anyone of her pals who got pregnant. She was genuinely happy, and was a part of things, even though it was tough for her. I think it is nice to not rub her face in it, so I might refrain from saying anything right now but I might not hide it for long. If you keep it under wraps right around the wedding, it seems very nice and cool of you to not make it about you and being pregnant. I think if you wait too long it seems hinky. But you know her best. Life does go on for others, so I hope that she can realize that and find a way to become a mom if she would like to, and not spend time feeling upset at her friends who are pregnant. That is not going to help her situation any and might impact her friendships.