In Laws - am I being mean?

[erupgrade]

This is my 3rd attempt to post this on the new system so I really hope this isn't being repeated and repeated!!

Anyway, here goes...

My husband and I are on a working holiday for 6 months and have 1 month to go. Before we left both sets of parents discussed coming out to visit but for various reasons both decided not to.

This morning we had an email from the in laws saying that their flight would be in on Sunday!!!!! We knew nothing at all about it - no idea whatsoever that they had been planning on coming out!!! They are staying for just over 2 weeks which will basically leave us about a week left after they have gone. We had planned lots of fun things to do to make the most of our last month here as a family (we have 2 little ones) but now they will have to be changed or at least adapted to fit the inlaws in.

I feel soooo cross because they didn't ask. If they had phoned, in all honesty we probably would have told them it was ok to come, it just seems wrong that they are just turning up and assuming it is ok. At least if they had called first we could have warned them that we had things to do and they will have to amuse themselves or even told them to come a different week - to me I guess its the principal of the matter. I would never dream of doing that to someone without checking first. It is as though they think they have an automatic right to just come and visit whenever they feel like it and tough if it isn't convenient for us - I mean we could have had someone else staying or been really busy with work etc. As it is we have had to cancel some work at a cost of about $1500 which is a lot of money to us.

Furthermore I have just found out I am pregnant (6 weeks) and don't quite feel ready to tell anyone yet. However it is inevitable that we will have to now as we normally have plenty of wine to drink when they are about (I need it to stay sane!!!) and obvioulsy I won't be drinking. It is also likely that the morning sickness will kick in during the next week or so. I feel as though we will have no choice but to tell them.....just as we have had no choice in them coming to visit!

Am a being miserable and unfair or do you think it is right to expect a call to check it is ok to visit first?

 

[Fly Girl]

I've been married for 36 years, and we have never had family visit for two weeks. About 3 or 4 days is max. And, they always check first to be sure the dates will work for us. If this visit won't work for you, you and your husband need to tell them. People can't read minds. Good communication is important here, since these people are part of your life for years to come.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, BTW.

 

[ponder]

No advice on the inlaw situation, mine would not dream of doing this, but I do know how to hide a pregnancy. After 2 miscarriages DH and I were hesitant to tell anyone that we were pregnant until 12 weeks. We were in many social situations infront of very nosy friends and family. I was able to keep suspicions downs by "drinking". I would keep my glass at least half empty and fake sip. I know its sad but usually works. If your family is very eagle eye like mine, DH and I resorted to drink swapping. We would have the same beverages placed next to each other on the table and while I fake sipped DH would alternate drinking from each beverage. Just make sure your DH paces himself or he will get tipsy quickly. Also, whatever you do do not say that you have been tired. Its a dead give away. Good Luck!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

It may seem brash, but I would simply write back to them the following,

"Hi ______ (what ever you call your MIL),

I'm so sorry, but since you said you weren't coming we've already made plans. We'll be sure to arrange a visit with you when we return."

People will only push you around as far as you let them.

 

[lknvrb4]

I would have called them or emailed back that since they said they were not coming we already made plans. I would not ruin my vacation to stay home for 2 weeks to entertain family.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Wait, will you be home when they arrive, or will you be away? If you'll be away, I would just tell them you already made plans and won't be at home. If the former, however, ugh, sounds like you'll have to tough it out.

However, I totally do not think you are being mean or unfair to want some warning that they're dropping in for a visit - especially since it's for two weeks!

Once the visit is done and over with, I would suggest to your husband that he have a little talk with them about boundaries and what is and is not appropriate behavior when it comes to visiting.

And congrats on your pregnancy!

 

[zoebartlett]

First, congratulations! A new baby -- how exciting! I don't think you necessarily need to tell your in-laws about your pregnancy yet. Maybe play that one by ear, depending on how you feel while they're visiting.

I'm a little confused as well. Are you working from home while taking vacation time, or are you on vacation and working elsewhere? This hasn't happened to us, but if it did, I'd call (or e-mail, but probably call) and say something like, "Oh, I wish we had known you'd be coming. We have a ton of work scheduled for that same time, and it's not possible to take time away from that." Maybe you can make plans to meet your in-laws for dinner (or hang out together doing other things) a few times while they're there without having to alter your working holiday plans. I can't believe you'd be losing $1500 if you change your plans! I definitely wouldn't change my plans if I had the opportunity to make that amount of money. It's not fair to expect that you would, especially since you haven't had any notice that your in-laws were coming. I'd be upfront and honest, but polite.

 

[cara]

No, you are not being mean to feel put off at first. Really, do they think you are sitting around just patiently waiting for them to drop into your lives and then entertain them?

But I do think some compromise is in order. You do not have to drop everything to accommodate them. I would keep some of the activities you had planned to do as a family w/out the in-laws, inviting them to join as appropriate, and also give them a heads up that *since you got so little notice on their plans* you have things in your family's schedule that you are planning on doing anyway and also that you will need some time to start packing up towards the end of their visit. Maybe even suggest that they entertain themselves for a few days (ie. go on a mini-trip by themselves) during their visit.

You definitely aren't alone on the clueless visiting relatives front. My parents gave me less than two weeks notice once that they were coming to visit during spring break (from across the country!) and my husband and I already had vacation plans during some of that time! Ski condo rented for a long weekend! Well, we went anyway without the visitors. I apologized but really, they bought plane tickets without checking with us first? It wasn't so bad as we did get to see them during other portions of their visit, but what if we had made plans to go away for the whole week! Crazy stuff.

 

[movie zombie]

I would have called them or emailed back that since they said they were not coming we already made plans. I would not ruin my vacation to stay home for 2 weeks to entertain family.

my reaction, also. and in the same e-mail i'd offer them another date that would work for you....limited to a week. not your problem they've booked a flight. how they spend their $ is up to them....and if they're comfortable making plans and spending $ w/o checking in with the two of you, then, so be it.

mz

ps congrats! but you are right: 6 weeks is a bit early to be sharing the news....and you may not be up for company at all. i remember being so tired.......i mean TIRED.

 

[davi_el_mejor]

First of all, Congrats on the baby-front

I would not change your schedule one iota. If they can fit themselves into your plans, well I guess they're welcome too, but do not change anything to fit their needs. They didn't think of you when they made theirs. If you had plans to go camping with the children, tell them you have a 4 person tent and 4 people going. Ask them to watch the house while you're gone

There is a slight blessing in this, Grandparents make cheap baby sitters. If you hadn't planned on a night out with your hubby alone, I would do so now. Tell them you've cancel your fictitious baby sitter and they can hang out with the grand children that night.

I have no idea how/what to do about the hiding pregnancy, sorry.

 

[erupgrade]

Thanks for all your replies and congratulations!!
The situation has changed slightly - for some reason it is only the father in law coming - no idea why, maybe they have had a big argument!! This makes things easier on the pregnancy front as I think it will be easier to keep it from him but it does mean it will be up to me to entertain him and I had thought of sending them off together to do something!
Just to clarify we are living abroad for 6 months, my husband works a few days a week and then we try to pack in lots of adventures and exploring whilst he is off.
He phoned the inlaws last night and said it was lovely for them to visit but we would have preferred a call first to check if it was ok. FIL basically said that my husband was wrong!! We have decided not to do anything more about it this time as it could make it very awkward whilst he is here but I think it needs to be addressed at another date. They like to be in control and really dont like to be told what to do, its almost as though they still see my husband as a little boy still!
Fingers crossed it all goes well anyway! We have made some changes to our plans but hopefully we will still manage to have a nice time!!

 

[movie zombie]

congrats that hubby brought it us with his father.
however, this does set a precedent and opens the door for a repeat.
i hope this is addressed while he is visiting.
doesn't matter if he thinks you and hubby are wrong: your house, your rules...no matter where you're living.

mz