Am I being a brat?

[Bridget]

Hi. I was referred to this site by many, and I can see why!

Ok, here is my story, if you will.

I got engaged a few months ago. I love my fiance to death, and please don''t hang me on this, but I think he went a bit cheap on my ring. I hate that I feel this way, and I am obsessed with the fact that most of my friends have a much larger ring, and make much less money. I have a 3 stone e-ring, 1.77 ct total weight. My center stone is 1.27. Nice size. But compared to my friends and SO SO SO many other couples in our age group (late 20''s-just 30) it is small. PLUS the size of my ring finger is a big ''ol 8.5. (I should have never cracked my knuckles when I was young)

Everytime someone asks to see it, they just say "oh, it''s nice". I am so obsessed with comparing to everyone now. I hate it. I should love my ring, not be obsessed that it is small. Maybe if I didn''t have such man fingers? ::sigh:: The worst part is I think my fiance is feels it is not worth being proud of at times...Any thoughts?

 

[Confused22]

There is a lot to consider when comparing size and salary. Bills and responsibility are big . Some are fortunate to live at home with mom and dad before they get engaged, having time to save a lot of money. Some are handed money from mom and dad, and some manage money better. The 2 months salary rule is the reason for all the large diamonds these days. As for me, I'd rather have a 1/2 carat and 2 months salary in the bank.

 

[PuddyKat]

Hi,
Sorry about your disappointment but you should be happy that you have a man that wants to marry you, a ring given as his token of love, a wonderful future to come....

yes....you are being a brat! wake up!! Don't mean to be so direct but think about it. You'll never be able to keep up with the Joneses. 1.77 tcw is not shabby at all. Hey, those 'friends' with the bigger and better ring may be financing it!! Your fiance did his best and you should be proud!

Best wishes,
Puddykat

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hmmm. . . I wonder if this a ligitimate post?

Okay, probably just me! lol but, anyway, yes, you are being a brat. You've got a great sized diamond ring and fiance who loves you very much, so WHY obsess and complain about something so trivial when you can spend your time instead snuggling with your fiance and enjoying the fact you two love each other and will have the rest of your lives to spend together in bliss???

Congratulations on your engagment!

Michelle

 

[diamond_buyer_2004]

I am going to have to come down hard on you here . . . Your message and the many messages from the other women on this site who trade up after the get married make me sick. I would explain myself, but it would be too mean and take too long.

 

[sumi]

Yes, you are being a brat, and an ungrateful one too. I think it's very sad that you feel the need to compare your ring against others. Regardless of the size, I tend to think that people should be grateful when they receive a gift. An e-ring is a very sentimenal gift, it's not just a birthday gift or an anniversary gift. Keep in mind that some people don't even have an e-ring.

I agree with PuddyKat that you don't know the financial situations of your friends. They may have financed the ring. The stone may be bigger, but it may be of lesser quality and cheaper. Whatever their situation, it doesn't have any bearing on yours.


I wouldn't take to heart too much what others say about your ring. What do you want from them? Do you expect them to do backflips over your ring? I think it's important to remember that an e-ring may be super-important to the wearer, but sometimes other people don't really care about YOUR ring. Do you know what I mean? I think there's a saying to the effect of "other people don't think about you as much as you think they do".


Please, don't let your jealousy for others ruin this happy time in your life. It should be fun to wear an e-ring, and it shouldn't bring out the green eyed monster. Your e-ring doesn't directly reflect your financial situation or your worth, or the worth of your fiance.

 

[2Bmarried]

My fiancee was very happy with her .72 Ct solitaire that I proposed with last month. I just turned 30 & she is 34 (in your age-range). I make pretty good money, but we are trying to save for a wedding, house and (hopefully) a child in the next few years. She is very sentimental & views the diamond I gave her as such. Any diamond would have been perfect to her.

Now, I did look at 1 Ct + sizes, but figured once I got into that range, it would make more sense to pay off my car. I told her we can always upgrade later, but she said she never wants to part with the simple tiffany style ring and simple solitaire that I gave her on that special day. She is in no way materialistic & neither of us care about how other people view us, as long as we know we're good to other people & good to / for each other.

Staus means absolutely nothing to us............I hope that doesn't come across harshly, but everybody has different priorities! I'll tell you what, though......if your fiance seems a bit concerned about how you obviously feel about the ring, I'm sure he will always feel that way & he might become concerned about having to keep up with everybody else in other aspects, too. That will create some stress. Unfortunately, I am speaking from experience.

 

[limey]

Absolutely a brat!

My wife and I got engaged when I was poor foreign college student. Her ring then, and now is a simple 1/3 ct pear with a few little diamonds in the wedding band. She has never complained about it, never asked for more. And I have never regretted it.

This year is our 10th anniversary and I am planning on a new center stone, incorporating her existing stone as a side stone. I am going for quality not quantity, and of course I know her taste and she is conservative plus she is a 5-1/2 ring size so anything too big would look obnoxious. It will look very nice but it will still be smaller than some of her girlfriends - but the setting will be custom built,the design mine and the intentions real!

Oh, and like others have posted, the bigger diamonds are on the hands of women saddled with debt or who used home equity loans for a ring.

 

[SummerGirl]

Do you have any sentimental value put on the ring, or is it just another ring to you?

 

[Bridget]

I need harsh, so please do not apologize for it. This is a ligitimate post. I hate feeling this way. Thank you very much for putting it into perspective for me. I think my own insecurities took over...it truly is a beautiful ring, and I should be happy that someone out there wants to marry me.

Unfortunately a lot of woman do this but don't admit it. Whenever anyone gets engaged, what is the initial response "lets see the ring"...trust me, woman compare and only care about the size when showing it off to friends. I admitted it, and I feel better that I am letting it out.

 

[Bridget]

Well, I didn't have much of a proposal. He just asked. never got on one knee or made it special. So I think that I hold the value in the ring because of that. Plus, this is actually the 2nd ring. The one he proposed with was the wrong diamond he ordered. he lost trust in the CO., returned it, and got a brand new one made elsewhere. We found out about the problem with the diamond when we went for an appraisal and it didn't match the cert.

 

[verticalhorizon]

In Bridget's defense, even tho IMO she's being a brat, SHE knows she's being a brat... and it looks as if she feels bad about it. But you can't help how you feel, right?

Someone you don't know insults you? Sometimes you feel mad, sometimes hurt. Ultimately it doesn't matter cause you don't know them, but you can't control this.

From what I've seen so far, girls compare the ring. Bring out the ROCK. Or in the case of this very site, "Show me the ring!"

Anyway, hopefully over time, you will view the ring less as an object of monetary status and more of a symbol of love and commitment.

I have to admit even I (a man) am hard pressed to not compare and contrast rings against each other, knowing very well that I will not be able to get anywhere near a J.Lo sized ring. But what I can do is put in all my efforts to get my GF something unique and quality and make the best use of the money I do have.

 

[pqcollectibles]

When folks look at your ring, they may be thinking about other things besides size. Maybe it's because it's 3 stone and they have solitaires??? Or their side stones are smaller to better accent the center and yours looks more like an anniversary ring to them. Maybe your diamonds are better cut and more sparkly. Who knows what goes thru people's minds??!!

You've also mentioned this being the second ring. There was a problem with the first one. You should discuss your feelings with your FI. You are obviously uncomfortable with the ring for one reason or another. Maybe the root is really not the ring, but something else troubling you. Maybe you are wishing you had a more eloquent proposal. Get the issue out into the open now before it becomes a bigger issue that could become a wedge in your relationship.

 

[cmcwill]

Bridget, I think you will see how many people out there really love your ring! I've had girlfriends who were not involved in the purchase and were a little dissapointed the way their ring turned out...but ALL of them got it off their chest, and LOVE their ring now...can't imagine ever complaining about it! I think this was good for you to get it off your chest!

NOW....LETS SEE THE RING!!! Post pics and specs in the 'show me the ring' folder!! I can guarantee you'll get plenty of compliments!

Congratulations!
Colleen

 

[Bridget]

Oh thank you everyone! Everytime I try to get a picture of the ring it doesn't come out. I have a digital camera and I am not doing well with it LOL.

 

[pqcollectibles]

Get one of those little table top tripods so the camera will hold really still for you. Shoot with outdoor light and the pics won't be yellowish. And you might try shooting thru a magnifying glass or loupe. Lots of people have done that and it works real well.

 

[Nicrez]

Let's see how unpopular I get with this post. Bridget, you are a brat, but does your guy know? Why is this even important? My guy knows I am a total stickler for perfection sometimes, and even people on Price Scope consider me "particular" ...hee hee

That said, we women DO compare, just as men do in the locker rooms. It's human nature. You want to be better and ring size is a way many women do it. I have a nice size solitaire ring. And in all honesty, I felt a big "less showy" when I was on my train back home next to a 3ct marquis, and a 2.5 round...I look, I compare, and I am ashamed of it (sometimes). I will say that your feelings are VALID, and if it is something that you consider THAT important, maybe you can have a heart to heart with your guy to explain how importnant it is to you. NOTE: those with NO e-rings and smaller e-rings just have other priorities, so I don't compare that way. Also, some people don't wear labels, others do. It's a fact of life we all enjoy certain things, and if we can afford them, why not?!

An example is a poster here who got a lovely stone, but after learning about stones wanted a "better cut", and just recently suprised us with a real wowwer her hubby-to-be let her upgrade to. Anyone you are with should understand who you ar, brat and all. Even if it's an insecurity you have with your friends' bigger rings, versus yours, talk to your guy diplomatically about it. Maybe he says OK to an upgrade, maybe it's not feasible NOW, maybe later.

Remember that this ring is a SYMBOL, but does not determine how much he loves you. I don't know how much you guys can spend, and I would NEVER suggest that you WASTE money on this endeavor if you can't buy it outright (NO credit cards!), but if you can, then, maybe to ask him at least to rethink it, or maybe he can propose again and make it special, even if cost effective...candles, flowers, etc...

Why am I being such a controversial brat? Because I know that no woman is perfect, as no man is. If your fiance said, Honey I want you to do this for me, and it was silly, you should be just as accomodating, since we all have silly, vain, useless requests that make us happy. Who you are with for the rest of your life should understand that, and you should work things out so you both are satisfied. You war this ring everyday, and you may have to deal with the "smallness" if it's not feasible, but if it's within his reasonable power to make you happier (as bratty as it is), then maybe he will if he knew it was important. Remember be diplomatic about it!

Good luck girl!

 

[strmrdr]

Dont get too made at me but this has to be asked...
Is it really the ring or how he asked that is really bugging you?
You need to think hard on that one and dont answer here you need to answer to yourself.

 

[strmrdr]

Nicrez,
Following you advise is well a good way to get un-engaged in a hurry.
Myself and a lot of other guys would drop a gal like a hot patato for pulling something like that.

I think she needs to answer my question to herself first.

 

[Antique Radiant]

co-sign strmrdr!

i think you're being a brat

1. how your ring compares to your friends rings is irrelavent - maybe you got engaged for the wrong reason

2. its a symbolic gift of your commitment to marry, not how well-off your fiancee is

3. if i was your boyfriend and i knew you made this post I would call off the engagment pronto

4. > 1 ct center stone is well above the national average in size

5. i think you are a troll - no-one sane would come onto this kind of forum and come up with your nonsense

6. this is a diamond discussion forum - your insecurities should be discussed on a relationships website

my $0.02

 

[Nicrez]

----------------
On 3/29/2004 3:33:26 PM Antique Radiant wrote:

co-sign strmrdr!

i think you're being a brat

1. how your ring compares to your friends rings is irrelavent - maybe you got engaged for the wrong reason

2. its a symbolic gift of your commitment to marry, not how well-off your fiancee is

3. if i was your boyfriend and i knew you made this post I would call off the engagment pronto

4. > 1 ct center stone is well above the national average in size

5. i think you are a troll - no-one sane would come onto this kind of forum and come up with your nonsense

6. this is a diamond discussion forum - your insecurities should be discussed on a relationships website

my $0.02

----------------

I have to say Antique Radiant, aside from your name, I do not like your post AT ALL! There is entirely NO need to be rude! I don't think this gal should get rid of her ring, as it SHOULD be sentimental, but perhaps her guy would benefit knowing her well enough to know what she likes, what she wants, and those little things about her that aren't perfect, like said ring insecurities...In the end it's jewelery and not your relationship on display.

That said, why be so rude. We talk about vacuum cleaners on this site, why not her issue with her ring?! Ok, so we are not there to know what goes on, but I encourage her only to be honest with her guy and with herself. Some people I suppose (such as yourself, maybe) who NEVER ask for anything somewhat silly from your guy/gal? If he doesn't know how she feels about the ring/proposal, how will they ever work for years to come? At this point the ring, the size, etc is all irrelevant. It is an issue that is hidden, and may come out later really nasty...You can't always get what you want, but you should be close enough to the person you will marry to SHARE those insecurities and issues, to talk them out and help each other resolve or deal with them...I was hoping they could "discuss" such problems, ideally...

Bridget, you know your guy best. If this is somethng you are just thinking about, and it doesn't really bother you that much, get over it, but if it's deeper, THAT better be discussed before you walk down that aisle! Look, ideally everyone would accept whatever they get and be happy, but we live in the real world. If I spent even $5K or so on MY guy, I would make sure it was something he REALLY loved! I have a friend who has a "size problem" with her ring, and this poor $7K ring won't be worn when she gets her wedding ring... How stupid is that?!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

----------------
Because I know that no woman is perfect, as no man is.
Good luck girl!----------------

Yes, no woman is perfect, no man is perfect AND of course no ring is perfect either. There will always be someone with a bigger size, better color/clarity, fancier setting, etc., so if Bridget, you're comparing other individuals rings as a means of determining the size you need to wear to be "happy," I bet you'll never be satisified with ANY size diamond you wear.

I say you if you need more, pick on something else that needs upgrading rather than the symbolic eng. ring your fiance GAVE to you as a GIFT. Take 2K and get yourself a nice pair of diamond stud earrings.

 

[strmrdr]

Antique Radiant,
Thanks for the backup but I have to strongly disagree with 6 and give the poster the benifit of the dought on 5.

This board is about diamonds yes but it is also about people helping people and that is more important than diamonds.

Yes this would have been better placed in one of the discussion forums of this board but no one is perfect.

 

[moremoremore]

I do think you are bratty, but I am a brat too. I won't apologize for it. I know what we can afford and I deserve it. You are being human! GO easy on yourself.

 

[Nicrez]

----------------
On 3/29/2004 3:45:23 PM MichelleCarmen wrote:

----------------
Because I know that no woman is perfect, as no man is.
Good luck girl!----------------

Yes, no woman is perfect, no man is perfect AND of course no ring is perfect either. There will always be someone with a bigger size, better color/clarity, fancier setting, etc., so if Bridget, you're comparing other individuals rings as a means of determining the size you need to wear to be 'happy,' I bet you'll never be satisified with ANY size diamond you wear.

I say you if you need more, pick on something else that needs upgrading rather than the symbolic eng. ring your fiance GAVE to you as a GIFT. Take 2K and get yourself a nice pair of diamond stud earrings.

----------------

Michelle makes a GREAT point... If you think your guy will REALLY take issue with the sentimentality of the ring and the specific arrangement, then maybe it's best to get upgrades on ears or something. Sometimes comparing never has an end...

My poor guy knows my need to get proposed to in a spectacular way, and he was so on point, and everything was perfect. but let me tell you, any lesser man would have considered me a brat, and just done it any way he wanted, or said I was too much. Rest assured, when HE wants something in return, like a new car that is really just for his whim, I would absolutely let him (but would just give him some MINOR grief over it)... If we can't enjoy our money, then why even work?!

Hopefully, you guys can get to a nice compromise, but I still think you guys should discuss this. Hidden truths have ways of coming out into the light really really badly...

 

[Bridget]

Good point. As I think about it, I just wish it were bigger for MY finger. Like I said, I wear a size 8.5, so 1 3/4 ct. doesn't quit fill the bulge LOL. I think once my wedding band is on it may look better because there will be more finger filled..if that makes sense.

Yes, I have an issue with the proposal. He knows it. I said yes, of course, but I wish he had done it differently. He just asked. Then handed me the ring. He said he was nervous and the plans he though through fell through. I love him enough to know that it is VERY typical of him to "screw" things up, and I mean this in a very loving way.

I don't think I am a troll. I just wanted to hear some feedback. Last time I checked this is the Internet and I can post anything I want, unless of course you are the net police...

 

[pibbycat]

Hi Bridget,

(I think my first message didn't go through, but if it turns out it did, my apologies for the double-post. I'm still learning my way around here)

I think your ambivalence about both your ring and your proposal speak to larger issues you may have about getting married in the first place. Even though this is supposed to be "the happiest time of your life" many people feel conflicted and overwhelmed at times. These feelings are normal and may not indicate more than the traditional jitters. Sometimes they mean more than that.

I can all too easily hear you saying in the future, "I knew it wasn't right when he proposed..I just didn't listen to myself." I think you have a lot of thinking to do, whether you readjust your attitude or not.

I wish you well,

Charlotte

 

[pqcollectibles]

----------------
On 3/29/2004 3:44:38 PM Nicrez wrote:

----------------
On 3/29/2004 3:33:26 PM Antique Radiant wrote:

co-sign strmrdr!

i think you're being a brat

1. how your ring compares to your friends rings is irrelavent - maybe you got engaged for the wrong reason

2. its a symbolic gift of your commitment to marry, not how well-off your fiancee is

3. if i was your boyfriend and i knew you made this post I would call off the engagment pronto

4. > 1 ct center stone is well above the national average in size

5. i think you are a troll - no-one sane would come onto this kind of forum and come up with your nonsense

6. this is a diamond discussion forum - your insecurities should be discussed on a relationships website

my $0.02

----------------

I have to say Antique Radiant, aside from your name, I do not like your post AT ALL! There is entirely NO need to be rude! I don't think this gal should get rid of her ring, as it SHOULD be sentimental, but perhaps her guy would benefit knowing her well enough to know what she likes, what she wants, and those little things about her that aren't perfect, like said ring insecurities...In the end it's jewelery and not your relationship on display.

That said, why be so rude. We talk about vacuum cleaners on this site, why not her issue with her ring?! Ok, so we are not there to know what goes on, but I encourage her only to be honest with her guy and with herself. Some people I suppose (such as yourself, maybe) who NEVER ask for anything somewhat silly from your guy/gal? If he doesn't know how she feels about the ring/proposal, how will they ever work for years to come? At this point the ring, the size, etc is all irrelevant. It is an issue that is hidden, and may come out later really nasty...You can't always get what you want, but you should be close enough to the person you will marry to SHARE those insecurities and issues, to talk them out and help each other resolve or deal with them...I was hoping they could 'discuss' such problems, ideally...

Bridget, you know your guy best. If this is somethng you are just thinking about, and it doesn't really bother you that much, get over it, but if it's deeper, THAT better be discussed before you walk down that aisle! Look, ideally everyone would accept whatever they get and be happy, but we live in the real world. If I spent even $5K or so on MY guy, I would make sure it was something he REALLY loved! I have a friend who has a 'size problem' with her ring, and this poor $7K ring won't be worn when she gets her wedding ring... How stupid is that?!

----------------

I agree, Nicrez!! While this is primarily a diamond information and education Forum, the purchase of diamonds is not limited to specs and dollars. There's a lot of emotion involved where both the giver and the receiver are concerned. Bridget has every right to air her feelings about her diamond ring here and gather thoughts from other people.

Appreciative of Expertise said it best. Feelings are just that. Feelings. Neither good nor bad.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

----------------
On 3/29/2004 3:52:38 PM Bridget wrote:

Good point. As I think about it, I just wish it were bigger for MY finger. Like I said, I wear a size 8.5, so 1 3/4 ct. doesn't quit fill the bulge LOL. I think once my wedding band is on it may look better because there will be more finger filled..if that makes sense.

Yes, I have an issue with the proposal. He knows it. I said yes, of course, but I wish he had done it differently. He just asked. Then handed me the ring. He said he was nervous and the plans he though through fell through. I love him enough to know that it is VERY typical of him to 'screw' things up, and I mean this in a very loving way.

----------------

The wedding band WILL help tremendously. . .my diamond is a lot smaller than yours, lol, but with my wedding band, my finger looks filled.

Is your fiance very romantic? If not and he didn't propose in the "ideal" manner, you're seriously going to have to consider whether or not this is an issue for you in the long run because there's NO way he's suddenly going to spontanously turn into Fabio

and wooo you 24/7. You'll always have a sense of disappointment IF you let yourself. My husband is SO unromantic that I practically have to buy myself flowers on valentine's day (lol), but he does other things that most other men wouldn't/might not do, like go get me chocolate at 10:30 at night when it's pooring rain out or watch the kids for 2 hours straight while I type here on PS rather than do his laundry like I promised

! So, you work with what you have!

Michelle

 

[Nicrez]

Hysterical! Michelle is spot on today!

My guy had a "romance issue"...On thursday I came home to gorgeous 2 dozen of my favorite pink and white roses waiting for me...FOR NO REASON...the week before he bought me delicious bath crystals, also FOR NO REASON...Was he always my little Fabio? No. But we talked about how women (me) sometimes require that extra effort to make us feel special and not just like the cleaning lady you sleep with! (and I don't even clean!) He has compromised, and I will do the same for him.

TALK to your guy...maybe the wedding ring can have a few larger diamonds, or even a heaftier pave, to be economical?

Where there's a wallet (I mean WILL) there's a way... And when you get a wedding ring, it WILL take up space...watch you don't lose your finger under all that bling!

Good luck girl!

Let us know what happens (but post in the Diamond Hangout, not to OFFEND any serious diamond people!)