Proposing to my boyfriend...

[tanya1987]

Hey guys!

Need a little bit of advice...

Basicaly i''m thinkin about proposing to my boyfriend. I''ll give you a little background on us so it will help with ur comments

We have been together for 6 months, i know it sounds like a small amout of time together to be thinkin about proposals but, for those of you in love, you will know that when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you know it will work, it does not matter the length of time you''ve been together.

We practicaly lived together for 4 months until the contract ran out on his house so we''re both back at home until we have saved up enough to get a place of our own!

We''re not just a couple, we''re best friends. We have the same intrest, but we also have our own so that helps. When we''re together we are the most happiest couple you will see. He still gives me butterflies and i smile just looking at him. And I know he feels the same.

The thing that might make you think it wont work is our age maybe. I''ve just turned 20 and he is 19 (he''s 20 early next yr). And as i said, it might make you think it may not be such a good idea, but as i said above... when you love someone and you know it will work, it should matter how old you are (well, in a sence..!) But when you know and feel that it''s right... then it is.

Now, i''ve been thinkin about it alot. I havn''t mentioned it to anyone yet as im not sure on their reactions... but I plan on having this conversation with my Mum and Sister tomorrow.

I just wanted some other peoples suggestions...

Hope to hear from you soon!

Tanya

xxxxxx

 

[musey]

He still gives me butterflies and i smile just looking at him.

"Still" getting butterflies after only 6 months? I certainly hope so! It should be expected that early... but butterflies after 5, 10, 30 years... now that is enduring love.


Tanya, are you asking for advice on how to propose? Or whether we all think it's a good idea to get engaged considering the point of your relationship?

If it's the latter... under the circumstances, I don't know if you want us to go there

You are still very much in your honeymoon period. Ours lasted about 1.5 years--even with spending nearly every moment of every day together (we met in college)! While the nature of a relationship is constantly growing and changing, that learning curve is quite steep in the early years of a relationship.

Love is wonderful and powerful, but when it comes down to it, a very small (though necessary) element in any marriage. There are things that develop and come to the surface in a relationship over time that cannot be forecast in the beginning. Any couple can be in love and blissfully happy at 6 months (I've had a couple of those), but to endure together after truly bearing their souls and sharing every minutia of their goals and beliefs in life... that is a different thing entirely. Have you even talked (with HIM) about the prospect of marrying each other? This is an important beginning of what should be a LONG conversation (or twenty) about plans and possibilities for each of your futures... before a proposal happens.


This is of course, only my own standpoint on the subject, and may not apply to everyone. Don't take the advice of random strangers on an internet forum. Ask the advice of those close to you (parents, most importantly), and when they offer their honest opinion: don't disregard it--take it to heart. Always remember that those people are telling you what you may not want to hear because they genuinely care about you and want what's in your best interests.

 

[Pandora II]

I was madly in love at 18, and went on to spend 7 years with the guy, until I realised that it needs more than love to make a relationship work.

When I look back at the person I was at 18, she is not the same person I am today in so many ways. Working, travelling, dating different people have all changed my outlook on life and the values that are important to me.

I think 6 months is far too early for any couple to get engaged, even less a couple who are so young.

Men often take a lot longer to be ready for marriage and engagement - you could set yourself up for a big disappointment. Most men I know would not welcome a proposal from their gf.

Proposals are normally reached after a long period of conversations to make sue both people are on the same page on many different issues. No proposal should be a complete surprise - the timing, situation etc yes, but the actual knowledge that the relationship is going that way - no.


Can I ask why you want to propose? Why don''t you wait for him to do it? Why the rush?

 

[stebbo]

I know a couple who got married after 1 month still hold hands 40 years later. I also knew a couple who dated for 11 years and got divorced within a year after marriage. Only you know what's right for you. Use 'typical' scenarios or anecdotes as a way to truly understand your unique relationship rather than rules to be followed, and your heart will give you the right answer. You get married, you get divorced in the worst case--that's not too bad. Contemplating having children, that's a different story with innocents deeply involved.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 10/28/2007 1:34:08 AM
Author: musey

He still gives me butterflies and i smile just looking at him.

''Still'' getting butterflies after only 6 months? I certainly hope so! It should be expected that early... but butterflies after 5, 10, 30 years... now that is enduring love.



Tanya, are you asking for advice on how to propose? Or whether we all think it''s a good idea to get engaged considering the point of your relationship?


If it''s the latter... under the circumstances, I don''t know if you want us to go there

You are still very much in your honeymoon period. Ours lasted about 1.5 years--even with spending nearly every moment of every day together (we met in college)! While the nature of a relationship is constantly growing and changing, that learning curve is quite steep in the early years of a relationship.


Love is wonderful and powerful, but when it comes down to it, a very small (though necessary) element in any marriage. There are things that develop and come to the surface in a relationship over time that cannot be forecast in the beginning. Any couple can be in love and blissfully happy at 6 months (I''ve had a couple of those), but to endure together after truly bearing their souls and sharing every minutia of their goals and beliefs in life... that is a different thing entirely. Have you even talked (with HIM) about the prospect of marrying each other? This is an important beginning of what should be a LONG conversation (or twenty) about plans and possibilities for each of your futures... before a proposal happens.



This is of course, only my own standpoint on the subject, and may not apply to everyone. Don''t take the advice of random strangers on an internet forum. Ask the advice of those close to you (parents, most importantly), and when they offer their honest opinion: don''t disregard it--take it to heart. Always remember that those people are telling you what you may not want to hear because they genuinely care about you and want what''s in your best interests.

I''m a broken record, but DITTO!

Don''t rush it. If it''s great right now, enjoy it and take your time. If you know you will be together forever, it doesn''t matter if you get married now or 5 years from now, you''ll still be together regardless. But a lot can change in a year''s time. I think it''s important for you both to go through a major fight first to see how you work together to resolve it before thinking about marriage. How a couple handles times when everything is peachy isn''t a good indicator of the stability of a relationship since everyone does well during good times. It''s how a couple handles the bad times that defines who they are as individuals and as a couple. And honestly, I am not the same person I am now as I was when I was 19/20. You will be surprised at how much you can grow in the next 5 years. You need to see if the two of you will grow together. Even though things are great now, it''s no guarantee that you won''t grow in different directions. Only time will tell.

 

[anchor31]

Hello, welcome to PS!

I was engaged at 21 (I''m 22 now and 9 months from my wedding), so I won''t tell you you''re too young. But since we''d been a couple for three years and friends for almost four, I will tell you to take your time. I remember feeling very much the same you did at 6 months out... but I realize now that getting engaged at that point would have been rushing things. There is so much to learn about a person... Give it some time to grow. And whatever you do, make sure you have discussed everything, and I mean everything; religion, sex, children (how to raise them, how many, when, what happens in case of infertility, unplanned pregnancies, etc.), carreer goals, money, marriage of course... Everything, before even thinking about getting engaged.

Has getting engaged even come up between the two of you? You being ready doesn''t mean he is... Men are often ready later than we are, which is exactly why there are so many women on the LIW list in the Ladies in Waiting section of this forum. So, as our wise SanDiegoLady said, wait and let him propose. It''s a wonderful thing, let it happen! It doesn''t mean that you should do nothing in the meantime... Discuss your future together, and make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page. Then join the LIWs! I''m sure they''ll be happy to have you there.

Good luck!

 

[tanya1987]

hey guys!

thanks alot 4 ur replies! It was appriciated!

Im goin to think more into this proposal thing, seems as tho i was a bit over my head in ideas!

Thanks again!

xxxxx

 

[Patchee]

At 6 months your still afraid to eat spaghetti in front of him. Too early. If it is meant to be he will ask you. Be patient. Some of us here have been for years!

 

[Rabe2000]

Are you my GF??

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/2/2007 10:24:01 AM
Author: Rabe2000
Are you my GF??

LOL. Now wouldn''t that be amusing...

 

[captainobvious]

Date: 11/2/2007 10:24:01 AM
Author: Rabe2000
Are you my GF??

LMAO, now thats classic.

I know I wouldn''t take to well to my gilrfiend proposing to me. I think every guy I know would be unsettled by it.

 

[Casecracker]

I'd just feel like a shmuck if my girlfriend proposed to me.

Then what do you tell the family?

The best thing for you to do is start dropping hints. If it's mutual he'll propose to you...

























eventually...

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/18/2007 5:17:22 AM
Author: Casecracker
I''d just feel like a shmuck if my girlfriend proposed to me.

Then what do you tell the family?

The best thing for you to do is start dropping hints. If it''s mutual he''ll propose to you...

























eventually...

And there, aside from the questions of age and length of relationship, is the real crux of the matter.

Should you propose? The men said no. This one "would feel like a schmuck"; that''s a big resounding *Oh no - she didn''t!*.

And really, if you weren''t so gosh darned young, you might have understood that without needing to have it pointed out. So, yes, you are too young to get married. And six months may have been enough time to get to know one another in my parent''s generation, but it is not true of your generation. I know whereof I speak; I was engaged on my 20th birthday to someone I had known 4 months. Dumbest thing I ever did; thank God I didn''t actually marry him. Twenty-eight years later, and old enough to be your mother, I''m hear to tell you that you need to live in the moment at age 19, and worrying about your future needs to be limited to your college education, which you''re gonna need.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/18/2007 5:17:22 AM
Author: Casecracker
I'd just feel like a shmuck if my girlfriend proposed to me.

Then what do you tell the family?

The best thing for you to do is start dropping hints. If it's mutual he'll propose to you...eventually...

I read the above "feeling like a shmuck" and thought

I don't mean to thread hijack, but can one of the men on this board explain to me exactly why this is? Just so you know why I am having trouble understanding the "feeling like a shmuck" idea.......I'll be 40 this coming year, so I'm more cougar than young puma. I also spent most of my adult working life as a manager in manufacturing companies....one of few women at my level, working right alongside men as an equal. They swore in meetings, so I didn't worry about being "ladylike" if I dropped an f-bomb -- they got drunk at trade shows, and I occasionally did, too, and had a blast, without worrying about my "female reputation" -- I did the same work they did and demanded the same salary. If I did a really great job, I demanded the big bonuses and company car, just like the guys did. And I got them, too!!! You get the idea.

Well, in talking with my boyfriend, he said that he is VERY AGAINST a woman proposing to a man. This struck me as weird, because he sees/treats/regards women as equals in every other situation and aspect of life. So I asked him why, and he said, "You have to let a man be a man." Oh-kaaaaay. Why - if women are equals - do we have to be in the position to wait it out? Why - if your heart is just busting and you want to propose - is this not acceptable? And shouldn't your family be happy for you and not be so petty as to critique who proposed to who? I have often thought of proposing to my boyfriend, but I wouldn't, knowing how he feels about that. But still. Enlighten me, please. Male perspective needed.

On another note, I want to tell the original poster that I totally agree with Holly. 19 really is too young to get married. And like Holly, at 39-1/2, I am old enough to be your mother, too, so I know what I am talking about. When you're 19, you should be enjoying life, going to school or working and trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. Once you get married and have kids, your days of going bar-hopping or clubbing with your girlfriends, going away for the weekend or Spring Break and having no responsibilities are OVER. Sure, you can have dinner with the girls now and then, but your carefree days will be over, never to return. And if you haven't lived and experienced single life and how fun it is to be a kid with no cares, you WILL regret it later. I have a friend who got married at 18 and by 23 had 3 kids. She ended up being divorced at 35....and by that time, she realized how much of her youth she threw away and couldn't get back. Because she didn't go to college or learn a trade, she was stuck working 2 jobs to support the kids and keep her house. And the ironic part about it? Other friends of ours were just getting married and starting families at 35! But unlike her, they enjoyed themselves. And got educations. And figured out who they were as people. They settled down, satisified that they got their ya-ya's out and were ready for the next step of marriage and kids. If I were you and as in love as you say, then I'd live with the guy for a year. Or two. Or three. Learn what living with another person is all about and also confirm that you really want to be with him. Trust me on this one: Do not be so quick to jump into marriage. Some things, once you do them, can't be undone without a lot of regret, expense and heartache.


Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Casecracker]

You don''t have to agree with it but I imagine most men, myself included, would feel somewhat emasculated if their girlfriend proposed to them.

If they did want to get married to the girl they might ask themselves, "Did I wait too long to ask her?" or maybe they might think their girlfriend had to result to this because he was too slow or dumb to realize that he should''ve proposed earlier.

There''s also the chance (probably majority chance) that he hasn''t proposed because he''s not ready to make that commitment or be married. There''s also always the chance (if it truly is mutual) that he''s planning somewhat already for a proposal and then his thunder is stolen.

None of my explanations will change your opinoin or how you feel about it though. It''s not something to debate about - it''s just an isness. I would feel like a schmuck.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/19/2007 11:11:01 AM
Author: Casecracker
You don''t have to agree with it but I imagine most men, myself included, would feel somewhat emasculated if their girlfriend proposed to them.

If they did want to get married to the girl they might ask themselves, ''Did I wait too long to ask her?'' or maybe they might think their girlfriend had to result to this because he was too slow or dumb to realize that he should''ve proposed earlier.

There''s also the chance (probably majority chance) that he hasn''t proposed because he''s not ready to make that commitment or be married. There''s also always the chance (if it truly is mutual) that he''s planning somewhat already for a proposal and then his thunder is stolen.

None of my explanations will change your opinoin or how you feel about it though. It''s not something to debate about - it''s just an isness. I would feel like a schmuck.

There you go; there''s two men saying don''t do it.

 

[nolimits]

I''m not really sure how''d I respond if my GF asked me, but I know I wouldn''t like it in the least bit. My opinion is that BOTH parties should be aware an engagement is in the future, and the answer should be known before asking. It doesn''t sound like you have even had a conversation with him about the matter which is concerning at best.

I won''t say anything about your age or the length of time you''ve been together. But I will say this, you better darn well know how to fight together, love together, etc. A marriage isn''t all roses and there will be ups/downs throughout. It''s alot of hard work to make one work. Many times the reason people wait so long to get married is so they can experience life (and the obstacles life throws at us) together to see how they make it through as a couple.

With divorce rates at all time highs, I wouldn''t be in a huge rush. Despite being divorced, I am very much from the old school thought of "you only get married one time and you do whatever it takes to make it work". Obviously situations occur that prevent this from working but ensure both of you are aware of the serious nature of this committment before just rushing in.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 10/27/2007 11:29:54 PM
Author:tanya1987
Hey guys!

Need a little bit of advice...

Basicaly i''m thinkin about proposing to my boyfriend. I''ll give you a little background on us so it will help with ur comments

We have been together for 6 months, i know it sounds like a small amout of time together to be thinkin about proposals but, for those of you in love, you will know that when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you know it will work, it does not matter the length of time you''ve been together.

We practicaly lived together for 4 months until the contract ran out on his house so we''re both back at home until we have saved up enough to get a place of our own!

We''re not just a couple, we''re best friends. We have the same intrest, but we also have our own so that helps. When we''re together we are the most happiest couple you will see. He still gives me butterflies and i smile just looking at him. And I know he feels the same.

The thing that might make you think it wont work is our age maybe. I''ve just turned 20 and he is 19 (he''s 20 early next yr). And as i said, it might make you think it may not be such a good idea, but as i said above... when you love someone and you know it will work, it should matter how old you are (well, in a sence..!) But when you know and feel that it''s right... then it is.

Now, i''ve been thinkin about it alot. I havn''t mentioned it to anyone yet as im not sure on their reactions... but I plan on having this conversation with my Mum and Sister tomorrow.

I just wanted some other peoples suggestions...

Hope to hear from you soon!

Tanya

xxxxxx

Tanya,

I think it is WONDERFUL that you have found true love and you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. The feeling is euphoric and everything else seems to take a backseat. Everyday is exciting and you feel like no one in the world has ever felt love like you are feeling.

That being said, 6 months is a good amount of time, but like others pointed out - you''re still in the honeymoon stage. Now, nothing is wrong with that - LOVE it. I personally was in the honeymoon stage for a year and loved it. (we are coming up on 3 years in Feb) But when we started getting out of that stage, I realized I loved him more inperfections and all. It opened my eyes up.

I also can say that I was ALMOST engaged at your age to my ex-boyfriend of 2 years at the time. I thought he was "the one" and everything about him was EXACTLY what I wanted. But then I woke up one day and realized, I am still VERY young and it wouldn''t be in my best interest to get married considering I am not the person I will typically be for the rest of my life. (on avaerage this occurs around 25 years old) Now, looking back I can''t believe I almost married him. He is still a wonderful person with a college education and a management position, but he is not the guy from 6 years ago and I am not the girl for 6 years ago either. Not a bad thing - it''s just life.

Now mind you, you could be VERY different then me. Everyone has different experiences based on what they have lived, making them who they are. If you really do feel comfortable and ready, then do it. But I suggest waiting. You may be proud of yourself in the end.

I hope this helps - sorry to write a novel... haha

 

[musey]

Hey new posters... not sure if you noticed, but tanya replied once on 10/30/07 and hasn''t been back since. This thread is pretty old! She probably won''t see your replies...

 

[Haven]

Just another echo of nearly everyone else''s words here--I would not propose advise you to propose to your boyfriend of six months. I WOULD advise you to enjoy the wonderful thing you two have going for you, and to relish the fact that if this does work out, you two have many, many years to basically grow up together. Marriage can come later, enjoy the relationship you have now.

I was engaged to my boyfriend of over two years at age 21, and it did not lead to a marriage. We were far too young to realize that we were growing into two very different adults, and two years after the proposal we ended the relationship. I''m sure I would have regretted marrying him very much.

So stop worrying about proposals and go out and enjoy yourselves! When I was 19 I was living in a college town taking in everything that my world had to offer, and it was amazing.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I have been in a slightly similar situation. My FI and I started dating in high school. I was 15 and he was 16. By the time I was a sophomore in college, me being 18 and he being 19, we were engaged. We new we loved each other and that we wanted to be married. We also knew that we should wait until we were more established to do so. I''m now 22 and my FI is 23, we have been engaged, ring and all (although I now have a different ring, lol), since we were teenagers. We have both finished with college and now live together while starting our careers. We are finally getting married June 15. I guess what i want to say is, if you know it''s right, then go with your heart. Get engaged, and enjoy it, but do yourself a favor and have a longish engagement. It will really give you time to think about things and work the m out. You still get the satisfaction of being a known betrothed couple, but you also have the opportunity to "make sure" before it''s legal. Give yourselves some time to grow up together, you won''t regret it. The years my FI and I have spent engaged and planning our wedding have been the best ones yet!

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/6/2008 6:28:35 PM
Author: musey
Hey new posters... not sure if you noticed, but tanya replied once on 10/30/07 and hasn''t been back since. This thread is pretty old! She probably won''t see your replies...

Ooooooooops!! I fully overlooked this detail - thanks for the heads up!!

 

[Circe]

This discussion seems to have moved into a more general discussion, so I hope I'm not committing a faux pas in replying ....

I proposed to my husband, spur of the moment. We'd been talking about the future, had the happy realization that we were on the same page, I proposed, he said yes, cue mutual tears of joy, sappy music, etc. Neither one of us thought twice about it until we started getting odd looks from a few of our more conventionally minded friends ... but, thinking about it, I'm incredibly happy with how it all happened. I'm a feminist. I can't imagine marrying a man who'd expect me to play the passive role. The nature of *how* we got engaged just ended up serving as further confirmation that we both chose right - for us. This is not intended as a slight to those who are looking forward to a traditional engagement, just as an observation that people aren't all the same: some guys might feel emasculated, some guys might feel overjoyed, some women might eagerly anticipate the romance of a down-on-one-knee proposal, some women might feel caught in limbo, or barred from autonomy, and no amount of internet wrangling can successfully establish a universal yardstick. Every time a woman comes onto this forum, it seems to turn into a "Should women propose?" debate, as opposed to a "Should *this person* propose?" thread, regardless of whether it's a part of the original question ... I kind of find it fascinating.

P.S. - Tanya, if you do check back in, good luck with whatever you decide!