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About to get engaged....but she asked me to wait. :-(

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spacetrip

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2005
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Well, I must admit my spirits are down..... My girlfriend and I have been dating for only 4 months. I know I know...not long at all. But I wasn’t planning on asking her until around February or March. It’s something we had both talked about and we both came to the conclusion that 6 or 7 months was long enough for us to date to get engaged. We came to that conclusion because we fell in love almost from the first date and have shared so many stories. We feel so close to each other...its crazy. I have also gotten very close to her family and she to mine. I''m 34 and she is 30. We both want kids (she already has a 10 year old daughter...whom I care for very much) and dont want to wait until we are much older to start having them.

But then...last weekend...out of the blue...she asked me to wait until the end of this year before thinking of engagement. It was the oddest thing.

One thing that may have scared her was an old girlfriend of mine, someone I dated for 3 years and never considered marring, called me several times around Christmas...wanting to see me. I kept my current girlfriend informed of what was going on...I never saw my ex. nor did I want to. I broke up with my ex just over a year ago.

I understand taking time...its not a bad thing. Its just that in my heart I know she is the one...I would marry her tomorrow. I have always been the type of person that believed that when you met the right one...you would know it immediately. I think my spirits are down because I had hoped, and thought, she saw me as I see her. She did just up to last weekend. She has been married before (at age 20..divorced at 22) and she said she doesn’t want to ever get divorced again.

Regardless, I''ll give her all the time she ever needs. I love her very much.

Was it wrong or silly for my feelings to be hurt??

Thanks for any comments.




 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2002
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No, it''s not wrong or silly for your feelings to be hurt. Feelings are what they are.....and you''re entitled to them.

However, I think it''s completely fair to ask her what prompted her request......why, and why now? You may think you know why, but you shouldn''t be *guessing* at her motivations. If you are going to marry this person, then good communication skills are going to be a key component. No time like the present to begin that give-and-take.

The goal in your asking shouldn''t be to change her mind....it should be to find out why she''s made the request. If she''s not ready.....for whatever reason.....well, then she''s not ready. However, it would be meaningful for you to understand what she needs to process/resolve for herself before she feels she can move forward.
 

nicknomo

Shiny_Rock
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Jun 26, 2004
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197
Communication is the key to any good relationship. I''ve seen people lose the love of their life because they simply didn''t talk or listen to the other person.

When you get hurt, or something feels wrong, encourage communication. Of course, you should always try your best to stay composed when you discuss such things.. as hurtful or fearful as they are, you need to just stay calm and talk to them about it.

Maybe she has issues that need to be resolved, maybe you have issues that need resolving.. who knows. If you open up and talk, then you can ease her worries, pain and discomforts. It is the only deturrent if she is having second thoughts, or deeply bothered by something. You can''t correct a problem (easily) if you don''t know what it is.

I think that really would be the best path.
 

irishcaroline

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 26, 2004
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29
Yes everyone you are right, Communication...whats a relationship without it?

I can tell you my story and i hope it helps you spacetrip, when i read your post i immediately thought of my boyfriend so i am going to write it from the girls point of view!

Communication is something i hold onto strongly in a relationship and because of it, it saved my boyfriend the huge let down of me rejecting his purposal!

We have been dating for a year, its a long distance relationship and we love each other so much. We have always talked about the future and marriage etc. I had told him that i would marry him, but i never really decided or talked about when it would be as i never took it that ''seriously'' although i knew it would happen sometime! So one night he hints that he wants to purpose to me when he comes here on the 15th jan (this happened around christmas just past) It was a complete shock to me, and all of a sudden the urge to wanting to get engaged and married scared the life outta me...I knew deep down as much as i love him that it was just not the right timing. So i told him not too as i would say no! He was completely shocked that i rejected it, although it wasnt a purposal but the fact that i had rejected his plans. He said to me the same thing you are thinking about your girlfriend "I thought you seen me as i see you and love you" and i do!!!! and i am sure your girlfriend does too, but sometimes deep down people want to wait, sometimes theres no exact excuse. Its just a feeling...If i had not have chatted this over with him before he would have had a worse shock of his life when he went to purpose! Thankfully he wants to wait and that proves to me how much he wants to be with me, this alone is so comforting. So, see by you actually telling her you will wait, this will re assure her mind even more about you, the relationship and where it will go - BUT ALL IN GOOD TIME!

You both have decided around 6 or 7 months, but now this is getting close shes probably thinking its all too soon. Give her time and dont be scared of her asking to delay it, it will actually prove a lot more to you about your relationship if you do. You have to sometimes expect the unexpected and we all know girls are "never ready on time" right??? lol. She may have said wait till the end of the year, but she could end up being ready before that! We are so unpredictable!!!!
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I can also see that her previous divorce has left its mark on her, and therefore she may be thinking "damn, if i had taken my time about marrying before i wouldnt have gotten a divorce" and therefore shes thinking "i dont want to rush this one" you should be glad shes holding off, it also proves she wants things with you to be perfect!

But go ahead and communicate with her, ask her why but dont push at her, just accept her reply and be so thankful you didnt just jump in with a purposal and get smacked up the face, like my boyfriend nearly did!
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The wait will be worth it...

You can read all about my situation on "meeting your future husband or wife on the internet?" and if you want to private message me about anything feel free.

Best of luck to you both for the new year,
Caroline
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honeynut

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 21, 2003
Messages
105
Once, in a moment of cold feet, I told my boyfriend whom I had met online "Ack!!! I don''t want you to ask me to marry you until we''ve been together SEVEN years! I want to have a NORMAL relationship, I don''t want to rush into anything and end up regretting it!"

Boy am I eating those words now... LIW... and waiting, and waiting!!
 

JimDiamond

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2004
Messages
131
Aljdewey and the others are right. The fact that you feel hurt is definitely normal and it''s okay. We can''t control our feelings, but we can control our reactions to them. So stay calm. If you were at the two year mark and she said that (unless you were both very young) then I''d be worried. I''m sure she just realizes what a momentus decision it is and wants you both to have to time to make it properly. I''ve been where you are and I was three years older than you are when I got engaged so I know you may feel some time pressure there too (although you already have a head start on a family--and I won''t be able to start for another year or two).

Take some time to reflect and be calm and then open up a non-threatening discussion with her about her thinking. You don''t want to assume anything. It''s most likely that she simply wants to do it right, not that she feels a lack of committment or love for you. She''s may be feeling like she let you down too. You will both end up feeling better and stronger if you have a good discussion about it.

I felt much like you and I proposed at 8 months. I did feel a bit like I was doing something wrong by getting engaged at less than a year. Now we will have been engaged for about 8 months and the wedding is now only 2 months away. Although everything went well I must admit that we have still continued to learn a lot about each other and grow as a couple. Despite my successful experience, if someone asked me, I would say wait a year at least before getting engaged. Of course some couples opt for a longer engagement if they feel they need time, but engagement is a bell that is not as easy to un-ring as not having been engaged in the first place. The truth is each stage has it''s place and is important and it''s not a good idea to rush through any one of them.
 

MissAva

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
8,230
What if you propose now and she says yes but asks to wait a few years before ya''ll get married even though your heart is at risk she has a child to consider. I hope that you will ocnsider her child yours but that may be part of the reason she asked you to wait. Have you discussed with the daughter how she would feel about you marrying her mother? No matter how much mom loves you that will affect herdecision. Perhaps you could take the daughterwith you to pick out the and get her a little promise ring or something like that to let her know you are engaged to be her father.
You sound very much in love with your GF, just let her know that you will wait adn that you except everything about her. Tell her you want to know what prompter her request and how you can make her feel more comfertable without attempting to move up her deadline.
 
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