Some news and some frustration!

[bronniejade]

Hi Girls!

Well, I have not posted in a while. (Sorry about that!). I have just been finishing off my third year and then spring courses started right away..so I got a bit swept away and busy.

There has been a little bit of movement, which is exciting. Yesterday, my lovely guy said that he had shown the ring to his mum and to his best friend. He says that both love it!

I don''t know if he has spoken to my mum yet...he says he is not going to tell me when he has done it, because he will likely propose shortly after speaking to her.

I have come home several times, to find him chatting with her ...so he might have...I don''t know.

We are going away together in 24 days! hahah...I have a count-down going. We are going on a train trip for 5 days! I was sure he was going to pop the question while we were away..but I am not so sure anymore. He made a comment about not wanting to propose while we were away, because he knew I would want to see my family right after to celebrate (we''re very close). Though, perhaps he is just trying to throw me off. I don''t know.
I am actually enjoying the suspense. I was so involved with the ring...though I haven''t seen the finished product. We picked out the diamond and the band together....it was actually a lovely experience. We were both so excited and surprised. We were meant to be just looking around and getting ideas....and yet we ended up purchasing a ring. He says it came out beautifully and I can''t wait to see it...especially on my hand! haha.

My frustration is not with my byfriend, or with the waiting - but rather with a friend of mine.

My group of friends is rather large and there are a number of us who seem to all be speaking about engagement or getting engaged at the same time. We all went to high school together and have stayed friends since. There is one friend of mine, who broke up with her boyfriend last year and has seen several guys since, but none of the relationships were serious. She has been fine with it up until the past few months, when 4 of us began to speak about engagement or get engaged. She has become very bitter and doesn not want to come out to any of our girls nights. When she has come, she makes snide remarks about our relationships , as 4 of us are still with our high-school sweethearts. She says that we are only together because we are used to being together, and not because we actually want to spend our lives together. This has left 4 of us girls feeling very awkward. We have each been through a lot with our significant others, and we all feel that we are not together out of habit. I realize that she is acting this way, because she feels as though she is being "left behind". I can honestly say that we all hang out together, we try not to focus on the recent or impending engagements but rather, we love to just laugh about the old days.
It has gotten quite bad over the past few days, and in fact she sent out a group email and said that she would not come to a bbq because she didn''t want to be surrounded by the "sickening sweethearts". I don''t think what she said was fair at all - considering our entire group of friends consists of about 20 of us who went to school together - all of whom have different relationship statuses. In fact, half the girls in our group of friends are just causually dating people. There are actually only 4 of us who are already or close to engagement. She goes out all the time with the girls who are not in serious relationships.
We have tried to speak to her, to explain that we are not leaving her behind - some of us are moving to a different level in terms of our personall lives - but as friends, we intend to all remain friends - just as we have over the years.

I really do not know what to do or say. She is in my spring class, and her attitude towards me is very cold and distant. I spoke with the other girls'' who are engaged or speaking about engagement, and they are having the same problem. The girls who are not engaged say that she is normal with them. She is acting normal towards all the girls who are not in serious relationships, and is fine with ALL the guys in the group regardless of relationship status.

I feel so frustrated, as she has been one of my dearest friends for almost 7 years now, and all of a sudden she has just closed herself off to me.

What do I do????

Ps. I hope my post makes sense - I am just very frustrated and upset and I am probably not typing in manner which makes sense!

 

[dsy]

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

I''m sorry to hear that your happiness and excitement is being dampered by a bitter friend who is totally being ridiculous. It''s not always going to be possible to keep the friends you''ve always had with you, or for you to keep up the same level of closeness and friendship as you had with them before. I think it''s great that so many of you have stayed such good friends for so long, because that seems to be pretty rare in this day and age.

Whether it be relationships, engagement, marriage, new babies... there''s always someone who''s sad and/or bitter about a breakup or a stagnant relationship that doesn''t seem to be moving forward.. or someone who''s had one heartbreaking miscarriage after another. I''m constantly trying to keep track of who''s going through what so i don''t inadvertantly bring up something (a new engagement, a new baby) that will be a sore point with them. Thankfully, most are mature enough not to react the way your friend does...but there are some that do.

I''ve had to reconcile myself to the fact that if they can''t try to be happy for me despite my best sensitivity to their situation, then maybe it''s not a friendship worth keeping and I have to try and slowly let it go in order to stay sane and not let it drag me down.

Just an interesting thought--the opposite happens too you know...i''m at the age where most of my friends are married with kids and babies. It used to be in my mid-twenties that sometimes I get shut out of events where it was couples only, and now sometimes I''m not invited along when girlfriends or couples get together for playdates with their kids. But it''s life you know? And I''m busy making new friends that aren''t married yet or who don''t have kids...yet at the same time i make the effort to include my friends with babies by creating a situation that would be easier for them to participate, like meeting for brunch instead of out at the bars, hehe.

Cheer up, at least you know it''s not personal to just you, and your bitter friend has her own issues to deal with and sort out...it''s not your responsibility to make everyone act reasonably.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

It sounds like from the post that her behavior is a mixture of jealously and lonelyness. She probably feels like she should be in with that group too, she just hasn''t come to terms with her last relationship. Tell her your frustrations and talk one on one with her. You need to be candid. If your not now you might regret not saying something sooner.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/22/2007 4:03:20 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
It sounds like from the post that her behavior is a mixture of jealously and lonelyness. She probably feels like she should be in with that group too, she just hasn''t come to terms with her last relationship. Tell her your frustrations and talk one on one with her. You need to be candid. If your not now you might regret not saying something sooner.

Totally agree with this. I would definitely have a chat with her.

 

[bronniejade]

Thanks to all who replied!
Well, this evening I had a "cheesecake and tea" get together after work. There were a bunch of us girls, all with different relationship statuses (single, engaged, long-term relationships, and those who are in new relationships). It was going really really well, until one of the girls who is actually engaged brought up the subject of bridesmaids dresses. It was meant to be a funny story - she is having her 3 sisters as her bridesmaids and none of them can agree on a colour or dress style because they are all so different. She was just telling us about their stupid arguments while in the dressing room and the girl who has been cold/bitter said that there was "no need to talk about weddings". Which of course, made the poor girl telling the story feel awful. I, personally, didn''t think she was flauting her relationship - she was telling a funny story about her sisters that NEVER agree. The mood was exceptionally strained after that comment.

I had a chat with her one on one after everyone left and we both ended up crying.

I asked her to just please be open and up front and just vent whatever it is that is eating away at her. She expressed that she was lonely and jealous that some of us are at a stage in our lives that she feels that she is so ready for - and yet so far away from. I told her that I understand that she is lonely and that she wants to be in a serious relationship like some of the girls in our group, and that I am not saying that her feelings are invalid - but at the same time, it is not necessary to make specific girls feel guilty for the fact that they have reached this stage. We should ALL be supportive of one another - in whatever stage they may be - be it engagement, enjoying the single life, married with little ones, starting a new realtionship, or getting out of a bad relationship. The whole reason that we have stayed friends for so long, is the fact that we are all so close and supportive of one another. When someone in sad - we gather up the snacks, drinks and we vent - if someone is happy we gather up the snacks and drinks and we celebrate!

We came to common ground - if she is feeling stiffled by the fact that she is lonely and left out - instead of trying to tear others down - she needs to TALK to someone. I promised that if I am feeling angered by her comments, then I will TALK to her. We''ve just got to keep the lines of communication going. First and foremost - I let her know that we were all friends BEFORE engagements, marriage, breakups, and new relationships - and we''ll continue to be friends after.

We''ll see how things go. It was a really great talk. I encouraged her to talk to the other girls that she has been feeling jealous of.

Thanks for your input, everyone!!!

 

[bee*]

That''s great that the chat went well. It must be hard for her if she feels so ready to have those things happen her now too, but she really shouldnt make the rest of you feel bad. Well done for talking to her