I think my boyfriend is going to propose, and I’m not sure what I should say

[Ardenia]

I could use some advice! I have gotten hints that my boyfriend of not-quite-two years will be proposing soon, and I’m not totally and completely sure I''d be doing the right thing in accepting. We’ve talked about the future and blending households and even hinted at doing so next summer. He has been the best guy for me that I’ve ever dated. I’m 35 years old (36 soon) and have one child from a previous marriage.

My boyfriend--unlike, say, my ex—is trustworthy and honorable (an Eagle Scout!) and loyal and heaps affection on me. We’re well-matched in background, life experience, education and interests. We both come from kind of repressed immigrant upbringings—and that seems complementary, too. My son likes him. My friends like him and comment that it''s clear that we like and respect each other. My family is lukewarm toward him for largely shallow reasons—looks. He also has health issues my mom (and I) worry about—he’s diabetic. He doesn’t take as good care of himself as he could—he doesn''t exercise much and he’s overweight, but he controls his blood sugar levels pretty well. I can’t say I’m proud of his appearance, but I’m definitely attracted to him.

Lately, with the first flush of romantic joy worn off, I’m also seeing aspects of his personality that aren’t totally endearing: He’s self-serious, a little show-offy. Most importantly, he’s quite moody and he often gets me down because of that, and I’m already prone to depression. Additional little things: he doesn’t go to the dentist enough, and sometimes his breath is bad. Also, sometimes he seems wasteful with money. He’s generally been good with my son, but sometimes he loses his temper with him and more recently he’s said some harsh things in the heat of the moment (like he wishes my son would go to school and not come back or that he’ll break him into little pieces if my 4-yr-old breaks his laptop). Like I said, I trust my boyfriend and can’t imagine him actually hurting my son, and a 4-year-old can be awfully provoking at times. Another thing that gives me pause is that my boyfriend does not seem good at maintaining other relationships; he''s reliable with me, thankfully, but he’s not close to anyone in his family, and after all this time, I haven’t met his friends except a few from work.

I do love the man. I don’t know how much of this is real life that I should accept and move on with. I would like to have another child, and as I said, I’ve never met anyone else who matched this man as a possible life partner. It seems like a lot to find someone you like, respect, and enjoy the company of—I suspect I’ll never find anyone as good. I think I’m a bit depressed just now, which is making it harder to anticipate committing to someone for life joyfully. Plus, my parents are due to visit from across the country over the holidays, and it''s stressful to anticipate introducing my BF as my fiance when they arrive. I also tend to be very analytical, and I fear I’m overthinking my boyfriend’s faults, especially because my family hasn’t been enthusiastic about him.

Anyway, I know this isn''t all very well thought-through. I''ve been impressed with some of the excellent advice you all give on this board, so I''m hoping to get some ideas to jog along my thinking and feelings. Thanks for listening!

 

[MoonWater]

I know that there will be much better advice following my post, but I must say I do not think you should marry this man. You should never marry a person out of fear that you will not find anyone else better. And the negative aspects of his personality are quite disturbing, especially in light of the fact that you have a child. If you''d like to see if he''s a keeper, instead of breaking it off completely, I say if he does propose just ask for more time to enjoy being together as bf and gf first. But please do not marry him now.

 

[mirre]

I'm pretty young compared to you and many others here so I really don't have much advice for you. I am sure one or more of the wonderful ladies on here will have good advice for you they always seem to know just what to say. But I do want to say that what you say he says about your son worries me. As you say it could have been a heat of the moment thing and I do not have children so I can't exactly relate but I don't think I could marry someone who wants to send my child off to school and them never come back. I may have read too much into that or read it wrong. But my advice is that if you are iffy on whether to say yes or no... yes isn't the answer. Not that saying no means breaking up... just more time to see how things develop as Moonwater said.

Good luck with making your decision it doesn't sound like it will be an easy one.

ETA: If he treats your son like this I would seriously think twice about having a child with him.

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

I will be honest with you. I would never marry a man who talked to my child the way you say your boyfriend talks to your child. There is no excuse ever to talk to a 4 yr old like that. The things you say your boyfriend has said to your son is emotionally abusive.

Please do not tolerate verbal abuse toward your child. Verbal abuse happens before physical abuse. Your loyalty should be to your child first. Do you want your child to grow up in a home where he told to his face that he is not wanted and will be killed "broken into pieces". Wake up mom!

Also, the financial impact of a partner not taking care of himself/herself can be devastating to a family. One of the reasons I divorced my ex-husband because he wasn''t taking care of himself physically and I was worried that if he became disabled because of his self-neglect that I would end up having to support both of us. I wasn''t willing to gamble my financial future on someone who cared so little for his own wellbeing.

If you''re having doubts, I would listen to your gut. The issues you bring up are really big ones.

Good luck figuring this one out!

 

[Quinnie]

What kind of hints have you gotten that a proposal is coming soon? Maybe he just got you holiday gift that he''s really proud of?

If you''re having any doubts I don''t think it''s the right time to say, "Yes" to a proposal... If you were talking about combining households this summer I would ask him for a little more time to see how it goes living together with your son. Living together brings out the true nature of people and that might be the insight you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him or not.

I hope everything works out well for you!

 

[Pandora II]

Without going into the details of the gazillion red flags that you have raised...

The big question is - why would you even consider marrying this guy?

Just by coming here and writing what you have written, it seems that you feel trapped in this relationship, you are looking for reasons to go against your gut feeling.

If you feel like this now, you will feel even worse about him 10 years down the line.

The fact that you have mentioned his comments about your son shows that you are worried and unhappy about them. Even if they are idle threats, they are comments that should not be made about someone that you love or are considering making part of your life forever.

Are you sure that your family only dislike him because of his looks? Sometimes people can see things from the outside that it''s hard to see when you are on the inside of a relationship.


Trust me, I considered exactly what you are considering and tried to fight all the ''no way'' comments my brain was making. I felt sick everytime I thought of the wedding.

In the end I walked away and 2 months later met FI - I have never had even 2 seconds doubt that I am doing the right thing. Our relationship is as close to perfect as I think it could be.

The way I made up my mind I needed to leave my ex was thanks to a book - silly as that may sound.

I bought a copy of "Are You the One for Me?" and did all the exercises.

Basically, you go through all your past bfs and write down all their good and bad points - then you look at them all and see where the same characteristics are cropping up.

Later, you write out your perfect partner under 10 sections: work, finances, character, education, physical appearance etc etc. You have to do this in a serious way and not just put Brad Pitt lookalike with $1 million dollar salary whose job is being a rockstar etc.

You then compare your current partner to your ideal.

For me, it was obvious that my ex was falling down on education, intellect and hobbies and interests - and that these were obviously very important to me.

Through analysing all of this, I became aware of the characteristics that were important to me - and more importantly the toxic characteristics that I was attracted to men with.

I spent a lot of time working on my damaged self-esteem and found a man who ticked everyone of my boxes and none of my negatives.

I really recommend getting some counselling or at least taking a break from your relationship for a while to see how you really feel. I would also make it very clear that you are not ready for the next step before he''s in front of you with a ring in his hand.

 

[janinegirly]

well i''d say if you''re asking that question, you''ve pretty much answered yourself.

some of us may not agree withsome of the specifics, but it doesn''t matter b/c it comes down to what attracts YOU to a man, and it has to be more than he''s trustworthy and would be a good mate. You have to (hopefully) also want, without question, to spend the rest of your life with him..regardless of what unfolds (aging, kids, other options). Meaning the practical is important, but so is the romantic! So i''d say at the very least you have some major doubts and should work through them.

have you and your bf talked about the future--b/c i''m assuming he got the green light with you that you do want a future together before he starting putting his plans into motion?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Ardenia:

It sounds to me that deep down you already have your answer. Perhaps it is just a matter of not being ready yet or perhaps you know that this man, who fits you in most facets, does not meet your needs entirely nor does he meet the needs of the relatiohship you hope for between a step-parent and your son.

If you are already seeing these warning signals, I think it would be foolish to ignore them simply because you fear you may never find anyone better suited to you. If you are having doubts, then it may be that this man really isn''t for you. I won''t pretend that my former situation is anthing like that which you are in because for starters I did not have children. However, my ex, who I spent 4 years of my life with, was a wonderful soul: he was affectionate, loving, kind, generous and almost everything any woman would search for in a mate. However, over time, the little things started to grate on me and eventually those same little things became big things and the relationship ended. In retrospect I knew well before the end of the relationship that things were not right.

If you have any doubts at all, do not marry this man. If he proposes, use that as a jumping stone to address your concerns and your feelings about the weaknesses in the relationship. If you ignore the way you feel, you will never be truly happy and I think in the end your relationship will feel strained which is not fair to either of you. Even if he does not propose, I would try and talk to him about some of your very legitimate concerns. If he cares about you and the relationship he will probably want to find a way to work on these shortcomings. We all have our shortcomings in our relationships but when those shortcomings start to make YOU feel bad it is time to stop turning a blind eye to the issues.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/17/2007 4:21:21 PM
Author: MoonWater
I know that there will be much better advice following my post, but I must say I do not think you should marry this man. You should never marry a person out of fear that you will not find anyone else better. And the negative aspects of his personality are quite disturbing, especially in light of the fact that you have a child. If you''d like to see if he''s a keeper, instead of breaking it off completely, I say if he does propose just ask for more time to enjoy being together as bf and gf first. But please do not marry him now.

Wow. I could not have said that better myself! I''ll add on my personal experience here as well. I got pregnant with my son after about 6 months of dating his father. Total surprise on my part - at the time, I was an over-30 "career woman" and a student and was totally focused on three people: Me, Myself and I. But as I previously posted, some antibiotics and birth control pills do not mix -- information I did not know at the time and which was not as widely publicized (this was 7 years ago) as it is now. And I learned the hard way. Having said that, my son is an amazing gift.....and had I not been surprised with him, I likely would have had no children. My present boyfriend - who I hope to marry - has two teenagers and is almost 50....he has said that while he has more than enough room in his life/heart for a stepchild/ren, his days of Diapers and 2A Feedings are over. Having said that....

When I was pregnant with my son, I was bombarded with pressure to marry my son''s father. I had nagging doubts about him but blamed it all on pregnancy hormones. Not to mention that I was shown some very obvious red flags as to his suitability as a long-term partner (ie - never been married or in a long-term relationship at 42, refused to come with me to any doctor''s appointments, hid the fact that I was pregnant from his family and friends until I insisted he own up, etc). All of my girlfriends told me that he was not behaving like a man that was ready to be a husband and father, and I needed to immediately break up with him and raise my child on my own. As one of my friends pointed out, "You have a great job, you own your own condo and have gotten this far without him. You can raise a child alone; you''re not a pregnant teenager - you are a grown woman who has your own money and resources. He''s a burden to you right now, not a partner!" I didn''t want to admit that they were right -- and I married him when my son was a little over a year old. I told myself that I was doing the right thing - I grew up being raised by a widowed mom and knew from watching my brothers that a boy needs a father, and I also wanted to be married and have a family of my own. I was the last out of many of my friends to get married at 32, and part of me was sick of having people ask me why I was still single. BIG MISTAKE. I was married to him for a little over two years and had bought a house with him before it became obvious that I needed to get out of that marriage for my own sanity and self-esteem, not to mention my son''s chance to have a stress-free childhood (we fought constantly and the poor kid heard it). Our divorce was expensive and horrific, and I still have custody issues with my ex, because 3 years after our divorce, he is still bitter and spiteful. I sold the condo I owned to buy the house we had together....and because real estate prices in my area have skyrocketed, I can''t afford to buy another condo, even with the money I got from the house we sold. I now live in a tiny apartment -- not where I expected to be at 39.

Where I am right now and what''s happened is a direct result of NOT LISTENING TO MY GUT. You are having some very valid doubts. I''ll echo the previous poster who said to decline a proposal and spend more time being BF and GF. Maybe your boyfriend will prove to be The One after some time has gone by. If he doesn''t.....at least you wouldn''t have gone through what I have.

And Test #2 - if you are truly ready to get married and the guy asking is The One, you will accept without even thinking about it. I had doubts about my ex - serious doubts...not just cold feet - right up until I said I Do. In contrast, my current boyfriend and I have discussed marriage/moving in together, but not on any type of a definate timeline. There are also some situations in our relationship that make it smart to wait for now (terminally ill parent, kid problems, etc). But I will say that if he proposed to me tomorrow, I would say YES without even thinking about it. All I would do is ask for a longer engagement, until potential stress-causing situations level themselves out. And I should point out, too, that these are not character flaw situations I am dealing with. It''s not his fault that his mom has cancer, nor is it his fault that his daughter has behavioral/mental health issues (for which she is getting treated...but the recovery is slow). Things that you pointed out - hygiene issues, anger management problems, potential hostiliy towards your son - are things that ARE your boyfriend''s fault and that should be addressed before marriage is even a thought. Especially for your child''s sake. By the way, I am a proud, proud Mommy in addition to being a LIW. A pic of my little guy (on the beach in Cape Cod) is below. He loves my boyfriend and has even asked him, "When are you gonna marry my mom?" Any decision in that regard will always be weighed with my son''s welfare and well-being in mind.


Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[rainydaze]

i strongly agree with everything that has been posted so far.

i just want to emphasize, because it is THE most important aspect, that how he has treated your son is NOT OKAY. it doesn''t matter if he would actually do what he threatened (and why risk your son''s mental wellbeing any longer to find out you are wrong), just SAYING those things to a four year old is AWFUL. i have children and they test me constantly. nothing close to what he has said has ever crossed my thoughts let alone my mouth. and keep in mind, your son doesn''t know his threats are shallow, so there is damage being done there. there were a lot of red flags in your post for me as well, and i think down the road you could find yourself in a very bad situation with this man, or even worse, your son could be harmed.

 

[Aloros]

If you''re not sure what you should say, the answer is probably "no".

Unless the comments your bf made to your son were absolutely in jest (and your son understood that), I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Even jests made about violence would disturb me, imho. I can understand a little venting. Did he say these things to you or to your 4-year-old? If he said these things to your son''s face...YIKES. Not acceptable. Kids can be so annoying and disrespectful sometimes, but that is no cause to lash out in anger against them.

And don''t stay because you''re afraid of not finding someone else! If you stay and you marry this man, it should be out of an overwhelming love, not out of fear.

Hope this helps.

 

[justageek]

Think about your son. Would you EVER want him to just "settle" for a life partner? Honestly, if he came up to you 30 years from now and asked your blessing to marry someone who he wasn''t sure he wanted to marry but he didn''t think he would find someone else, would you give it?
Why do you deserve any less??? Love yourself the same way - you will be fine whether or not you marry him, but divorce is a lot more hurtful to everyone involved than saying no in the beginning (not that you''ll get divorced if you do decide to marry him).

This man will be around your son 24/7 if you get married. From what you said in the post, I wouldn''t let him around my dogs. I think kids are even more stressful when they''re younger (~2 or 3). How will he react then when they mess up?

Convenience is not a good reason to do anything important in life. I hope you come back and let us know how everything goes -- I know it kind of seems like we''re all attacking your bf and your relationship, but we really just want to see you and your son happy in the future. And from everything we know about you, it seems this man isn''t part of the happy ending.


-----------------------

 

[rainydaze]

walked away and had this thought, which i wanted to add:

when my kids become too much and i am overwhelmed, i go into another room and let out a nice long silent scream, or stomp my feet, or take deep breaths and count to ten, or give them a time out and go have a cookie myself, or give my husband a long hug and ignore their whining, or stage a full on tickle attack that diverts the negative behavior and redirects their attitudes towards something fun and connective rather than exhausting and disruptive (plus they usually forget what they were cranky about by the time i''m done with them

). there are many constructive things an adult can do to relieve stress caused by nutty toddlers, but directing their frustration and exhaustion at the child is never an option. if he does this now, my fear is it could escalate to something worse, and even if it doesn''t go beyond the verbal/mental, it is bad enough to warrant thinking twice about this man.

my point is, a mature, healthy-minded, kid-friendly adult will go to any length to release their child-related frustration WITHOUT causing hurt or harm or fear to the child.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/17/2007 5:27:29 PM
Author: rainydaze
i strongly agree with everything that has been posted so far.

i just want to emphasize, because it is THE most important aspect, that how he has treated your son is NOT OKAY. it doesn''t matter if he would actually do what he threatened (and why risk your son''s mental wellbeing any longer to find out you are wrong), just SAYING those things to a four year old is AWFUL. i have children and they test me constantly. nothing close to what he has said has ever crossed my thoughts let alone my mouth.

AGREE, AGREE, AGREE! My boyfriend''s daughter is ADD/ADHD and also bipolar, and she tests him constantly. Imagine a 12 year old that acts like a 2 year old - with tantrums - and you can get a sense of what he deals with regularly. And to top it off, her mother wants nothing to do with her, so the burden is all on him. Never once have I heard him say anything derogatory to her. He will send her to her room, withhold privileges and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable when she goes off - and none of that is done in a mean, harm-threatening way. I have asked him many a times how he deals with the constant stress, and all he says is a variation of, "She''s my daughter and I love her. It''s not her fault that she''s like this....it''s a chemical problem that her doctor and therapist are working on....but it will be my fault if I don''t continue to get her help and be her parent. Yelling at her will make the problem worse, not better." He understands, as Rainydaze just said, that it doesn''t take much to damage a child''s self-esteem. My boyfriend has a lot of character - and how he deals with his daughter illustrates that.

My son is 7 going on 35, and he is smart enough to know how to test me constantly as well. I have never spanked him and have also never threatened him with anything stronger than loss of the use of his XboX, grounding, etc. I handle parenting the same way that my boyfriend does.

I have also told people (and this includes my son''s father) that if anyone threatened to harm my son or went so far as to lay a hand on him, they''d have to deal WITH ME. And it would not be pretty. No one should ever excuse the harming of a child, even if implied.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Sorry for the thread hijack but sandia_rose, your son is ADORABLE!!!

He should be in magazines or commercials or something!!!

 

[anchor31]

If you''re uncertain, it most probably means you should answer no. I''m sure you know that your son should be your priority and that he shouldn''t be treated like that. For your son''s sake, I strongly suggest you reconsider living with this man, at least until you are 100% committed to each other.

 

[allycat0303]

Well it sounds to me that you see a lot of pros to the situation (well matched, life experiences, and what others think) but at the same time you have some serious doubts. I think that sometimes a relationship might seem to make total sense in an intellectual and yet you are uneasy about the committement. All I can say is to listen to your gut feeling. I do agree that the things he says about your son are a little worrisome, and at the very least are a little inappropriate. Talk to him about it, the things that worry you, I''m all for trying to work through issues. Good luck!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/17/2007 5:55:19 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Sorry for the thread hijack but sandia_rose, your son is ADORABLE!!! He should be in magazines or commercials or something!!!

Thanks, hisdiamondgirl! I have had a lot of people tell me that! I have a girlfriend who wishes he were a grown man, because he''s so charming and polite. He''s a personable kid with a lot of confidence....but I don''t want to be a stage-mom....so I''m going to wait until he expresses interest in something specific. He can tell me what HE wants to do/be. Last Christmas, I bought him a 1/2 size Strat guitar and he actually is getting the concept of chords... in addition to knowing the words to Matchbox 20 and Nickelback songs....so maybe I have a little Jon Bon Jovi on my hands? For now, he is a 7 year old who loves his XboX and his Pokemons, and that''s cool with me.

Seriously, I included his pic as a way to make all of us (and the original poster) think. My son is my world. There are times when I get selfish thoughts (as in, doing what''s right for ME and not thinking of anyone else) or when I consider taking his father to court and nailing him to the wall for being as difficult as he is....and then I look into his big brown eyes and think, "Nope. That''s not the right way to handle this...." My son looks to ME for answers. He thinks that I have all the answers. And while I don''t...I do need to hold myself up as a good example of how an adult should live/think/be. I am the example of who he will base his adult relationships on. If I hold myself up to be a responsible woman...then he will not only aspire to be a responsible man, but he will also look for a female counterpart/partner who is like that, too.

Your child needs to be your world. My son reminds me every day how important maintaining my perspective on that is. Now, hypotetically, if my boyfriend proved to be a jerk - and especially if he was disrespectful to my son - I would dump him. In the scheme of things - and this is going to sound harsh, but stay with me here - I can get another boyfriend. Dating sucks, but men are everywhere - millions of fish in the sea. But I could never replace the little person who I gave birth to, 15 minutes before Valentines Day. I have had more than a couple of men tell me that I''m beautiful......but only one little boy sniff my hair after a shower and tell me I smell pretty and that my red hair is cool. I have also shared a bed with more than one man...but only one very little man who - when I woke up to find him holding onto my arm tightly - told me, "I had to hold your arm, because I was afraid that you would fly away." And when I asked him why he thought I would fly away, he said - quite seriously - "Angels have to go back to heaven when the sun comes up and I didn''t want you to go." He was 4 when he told me that - I had just completed my divorce and it was his first week in my new apartment - and I had to go in my bathroom so he wouldn''t see me cry.

I just wanted to tell y''all this stuff to underscore my thought that when it comes to your kid or a man, there really is no choice. Think of your kids and think of the man you''re involved with. Your children will be yours for life. Will your man? If you are not 100% sure of that -- then there is your answer.

Kids are also most innnocent when sleeping. Below is a pic of my son, sleeping next to my friend''s cat.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Ardenia]

Thanks for the posts. I knew I would get thoughtful responses, which is why I wrote here! People have seized on the two very out-of-character comments my BF made to my son. Of course my child is my first priority. One of the reasons I''ve found it hard to consider breaking up with my BF (other than the fact that I do love him!) is that my son and my BF have gotten to know and love each other. I don''t want my son to have too much upheaval in his life, and except for these two really strange comments from my BF, he has been very good with my child. Friends have commented on how well they get along and that my BF clearly loves the boy.

A day or two after the remark about wishing my son would stay at school, I told my BF that was a hurtful thing to say, and he agreed and apologized. He made the "breaking into little pieces" remark a couple of days ago, and I''ll talk about that with him when I see him again. We''ll have to figure out whether his true colors are coming to light after nearly two years together or whether these were weird slip-ups that won''t happen again.

When we''ve talked about possibly getting married, I''ve told my BF that I''d like to go through counseling first. He''s Catholic, and 6 months of counseling is required before a wedding. I know he thinks that''s excessive, but I''ve often remarked that it''s an excellent idea, and he knows that.

Thanks to everyone for the caring comments. Pandora II--thanks for the book recommendation! Sandia_Rose, your son is adorable--and his comments are priceless!

 

[mirre]

sandia_rose your boy is adorable. The cat is cute too... but I believe he was not ready for his close-up. He looks a little upset.

 

[mirre]

Ardenia it sounds like you are a very smart woman and I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck with counseling. I hope he sees that you want to take it seriously and he does too.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/18/2007 9:22:02 AM
Author: Ardenia
We''ll have to figure out whether his true colors are coming to light after nearly two years together or whether these were weird slip-ups that won''t happen again.

You''ve definitely got your eyes wide open. I trust you''ll weigh the information and make the right call in the end, my dear. I hope it all works out.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 12/18/2007 9:22:02 AM
Author: Ardenia
We''ll have to figure out whether his true colors are coming to light after nearly two years together or whether these were weird slip-ups that won''t happen again.

It''s very interesting to me that you would say that. Research shows that on average the initial phenomenon of "love" wears off after 2 years (apparently the brain releases certain chemicals that make you feel excited every time you see the person, but eventually those chemicals stop being produced and are replaced with other things), and after that length of time, it becomes clear quickly whether you love the person or just loved the feelings of love you shared with the person. It''s at that point when you have to decide whether you still want to love the person or whether you have run into some deal breakers. You''ve been married before though, so chances are you know what sorts of things you are looking for in your next marriage. Do you think you will be able to have all those things with him?

It''s good you were able to talk with him about the situation with your son.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/18/2007 9:22:02 AM
Author: Ardenia

Thanks for the posts. I knew I would get thoughtful responses, which is why I wrote here! People have seized on the two very out-of-character comments my BF made to my son. Of course my child is my first priority. One of the reasons I''ve found it hard to consider breaking up with my BF (other than the fact that I do love him!) is that my son and my BF have gotten to know and love each other. I don''t want my son to have too much upheaval in his life, and except for these two really strange comments from my BF, he has been very good with my child. Friends have commented on how well they get along and that my BF clearly loves the boy.

A day or two after the remark about wishing my son would stay at school, I told my BF that was a hurtful thing to say, and he agreed and apologized. He made the ''breaking into little pieces'' remark a couple of days ago, and I''ll talk about that with him when I see him again. We''ll have to figure out whether his true colors are coming to light after nearly two years together or whether these were weird slip-ups that won''t happen again.

When we''ve talked about possibly getting married, I''ve told my BF that I''d like to go through counseling first. He''s Catholic, and 6 months of counseling is required before a wedding. I know he thinks that''s excessive, but I''ve often remarked that it''s an excellent idea, and he knows that.

Thanks to everyone for the caring comments. Pandora II--thanks for the book recommendation! Sandia_Rose, your son is adorable--and his comments are priceless!

You seem to be wise and have your head-on straight... Just the fact that you are poceeding with caution and looking at the warning signs carefully is a good sign in itself. The counselling is a great idea. My FI and I attend the Catholic church and there are many forms of marital counselling; ours is a weekend. I''m sure you can do someresearch and find what''s best for you... Good luck with addressing the issues that worry you with him.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 12/17/2007 4:14:47 PM
Author:Ardenia

I could use some advice! I have gotten hints that my boyfriend of not-quite-two years will be proposing soon, and I’m not totally and completely sure I''d be doing the right thing in accepting. We’ve talked about the future and blending households and even hinted at doing so next summer. He has been the best guy for me that I’ve ever dated. I’m 35 years old (36 soon) and have one child from a previous marriage.

My boyfriend--unlike, say, my ex—is trustworthy and honorable (an Eagle Scout!) and loyal and heaps affection on me. We’re well-matched in background, life experience, education and interests. We both come from kind of repressed immigrant upbringings—and that seems complementary, too. My son likes him. My friends like him and comment that it''s clear that we like and respect each other. My family is lukewarm toward him for largely shallow reasons—looks. He also has health issues my mom (and I) worry about—he’s diabetic. He doesn’t take as good care of himself as he could—he doesn''t exercise much and he’s overweight, but he controls his blood sugar levels pretty well. I can’t say I’m proud of his appearance, but I’m definitely attracted to him.

Lately, with the first flush of romantic joy worn off, I’m also seeing aspects of his personality that aren’t totally endearing: He’s self-serious, a little show-offy. Most importantly, he’s quite moody and he often gets me down because of that, and I’m already prone to depression. Additional little things: he doesn’t go to the dentist enough, and sometimes his breath is bad. Also, sometimes he seems wasteful with money. He’s generally been good with my son, but sometimes he loses his temper with him and more recently he’s said some harsh things in the heat of the moment (like he wishes my son would go to school and not come back or that he’ll break him into little pieces if my 4-yr-old breaks his laptop). Like I said, I trust my boyfriend and can’t imagine him actually hurting my son, and a 4-year-old can be awfully provoking at times. Another thing that gives me pause is that my boyfriend does not seem good at maintaining other relationships; he''s reliable with me, thankfully, but he’s not close to anyone in his family, and after all this time, I haven’t met his friends except a few from work.

I do love the man. I don’t know how much of this is real life that I should accept and move on with. I would like to have another child, and as I said, I’ve never met anyone else who matched this man as a possible life partner. It seems like a lot to find someone you like, respect, and enjoy the company of—I suspect I’ll never find anyone as good. I think I’m a bit depressed just now, which is making it harder to anticipate committing to someone for life joyfully. Plus, my parents are due to visit from across the country over the holidays, and it''s stressful to anticipate introducing my BF as my fiance when they arrive. I also tend to be very analytical, and I fear I’m overthinking my boyfriend’s faults, especially because my family hasn’t been enthusiastic about him.

Anyway, I know this isn''t all very well thought-through. I''ve been impressed with some of the excellent advice you all give on this board, so I''m hoping to get some ideas to jog along my thinking and feelings. Thanks for listening!

These are your own observations about your BF. This is not "talking badly" about him or misrepresenting him. You also think that your depression may be influencing your thinking and you may never find "anyone as good." I think you should take these things very seriously. His remarks to your son are totally unacceptable. If a BF of mine--when I was single--made threats against my daughter, he would be out of my life. Please don''t settle, just because you think you won''t find someone as good. That--and all of the other red flags--are not the basis for a healthy relationship. If you choose to continue with the relationship, please make it clear that there are serious concerns that need to be addressed. Should he propose, tell him you''re not at that point--because I don''t think you are. I know that this post has been very blunt, but I am concerned about your situation.