Would you borrow money from your parents??

[Christina...]

...and if so, under what circumstances? If not, why? Are there any circumstances in which you might considering doing so?

If you are a parent of adult children, would you lend them money? If yes explain under what circumstances, if no, explain why.

edit: I'd like to add this question as well..

If you are the parent of an adult child, would you borrow money from your child? Under what circumstances?

 

[justginger]

I've never borrowed money from anyone other than the bank for a mortgage, so definitely not. I can't imagine any circumstances where the financial plan I've put in place for my life would require outside help (besides an insurance claim, of course). I don't like the idea of being in debt to anyone, least of all my retired parents.

Who knows though? Life throws you some whacky curveballs and I try to never say never. But borrowing from parents would be an absolute last resort for me.

 

[monarch64]

I would if they'd let me!

 

[Christina...]

I would if they'd let me!

Monarch, can you think of a situation in which they would? For instance, medical needs, to help pay for an education that would allow you to improve your financial situation, for food if you were hungry, to help support a your child if for some unforeseen reason you couldn't?

 

[Christina...]

I've never borrowed money from anyone other than the bank for a mortgage, so definitely not. I can't imagine any circumstances where the financial plan I've put in place for my life would require outside help (besides an insurance claim, of course). I don't like the idea of being in debt to anyone, least of all my retired parents.

Who knows though? Life throws you some whacky curveballs and I try to never say never. But borrowing from parents would be an absolute last resort for me.

JG, if it was unavoidable, and you had to go to someone for help, would you go to your parents first, or to someone else, a friend or sibling perhaps?

 

[missy]

If my parents needed money we would do whatever we could. They're my parents after all and they did so much for me all through my childhood and well into adulthood. I know they would do whatever they could for us and my dh and I feel the same.

When we got married we had a lot of expenses and we also had just bought a home and needed to do a gut renovation. My parents lent us a significant amount of money and as soon as we sold my previous apt we paid them back. That time period was about 2 months. They were able to help us out and we knew no matter what we could pay them back rather quickly as my apt was very desirable and it was a strong market so it was a good situation.

Now we would never borrow any money from them because they just don't have it. They are older, both retired and Sandy damaged their home to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars and only a small amount was covered by FEMA and homeowner's insurance. That money came out of their retirement funds which is what they are living on so I could definitely see a potential issue in the future because their cash flow is quite limited these days.

 

[Dancing Fire]

...and if so, under what circumstances? If not, why? Are there any circumstances in which
you might considering doing so?
Our parents don't have any money for us to borrow.


If you are a parent of adult children, would you lend them money? If yes explain under what circumstances, if no, explain why.
Lend??...you mean GIVE??,like d/p for our daughter's house...

edit: I'd like to add this question as well..


If you are the parent of an adult child, would you borrow money from your child? Under what circumstances?
Our daughters don't have any money for us to borrow.

 

[packrat]

If it was a case of, file bankruptcy or go to my parents, yeah, I suppose we would. That's about the only circumstance I can think of. My grandparents were big on helping them out, paving the way, making it not quite so hard...when they were still alive, grampa and gramma used to gripe about how it's mom and dad's turn to help us the way they were helped, so we didn't have to struggle so much and they wouldn't do it...we have to "learn", they say. (we'll not talk about part of the reason why they have so much that they *could" help if they chose to, is b/c they themselves got quite a bit of help back in the day)

We have nothing to be able to help my parents w/if they needed it.

 

[monarch64]

I would if they'd let me!

Monarch, can you think of a situation in which they would? For instance, medical needs, to help pay for an education that would allow you to improve your financial situation, for food if you were hungry, to help support a your child if for some unforeseen reason you couldn't?

Nope. They gave me the best possible start they could in life (college education, housing/food/books/car/spending money), paid for my first wedding, and that was that. Since then, I have been in a situation where I had absolutely nothing plus a fair amount of debt, and they let me stay with them for about 8 months but I did the rest of the work to re-establish myself on my own.

If they had not given me a dose of tough love back then (this was about 5 years ago), I'm not sure how I'd feel about myself today. Well, I have an idea--I'd probably feel pretty crappy. It isn't my parents' responsibility to bail me out of any failures, even unforeseen circumstances.

I have trouble envisioning a scenario in which they'd have to help support my child. We have good life insurance policies and even if both of us passed away, we've chosen someone who isn't a family member to raise her.

 

[chrono]

Only as a last resort when I become destitute.

 

[TooPatient]

Nope. My father doesn't even know where I live. My mother has chosen to not attend my wedding. Neither have any money and neither were willing to co-sign on a loan ($1500) that would have let me finish my degree in computer drafting. I left school to work and have finally managed to get back to school.

I can not think of any situation where I would ask them for help. In part because they don't have the ability and in part because neither can be relied on.

Would I lend them money? No.
I've worked hard and had no help from them. They both (plus their current SO's) have extremely bad habits and make bad choices in life. I don't want to support their bad choices.

 

[iheartscience]

I would, and have, but just for short time periods. For example, I borrowed about $14k for closing costs when we sold our house because we were waiting to be reimbursed from my husband's company as part of his relocation package. Last week my dad sold my car for me, and he went to the bank in my former state (where he still lives) and paid off my car loan ($7500) while he was waiting on a check from the buyer of the car. Only a 4 day loan, but it counts! I gave him an REI gift card as my interest payment. If I needed a longer term loan I bet they'd agree, but would do it with interest I'm sure.

I would definitely lend my parents money. Although honestly I'd probably just give it to them since they've given me so much over the years. They paid for my entire undergrad so I have no student loans (minus a small amount from an extra semester I took just to raise my GPA from when I was an 18 year old dummy and never went to class ), gave me a no-interest loan for my first car I bought myself, etc. That said, they're super responsible with money and have plenty so I doubt they'll ever run out. If they do, I'll gladly help them.

ETA obviously I have a good relationship with my parents and they're not the type to hold things over my head like a loan. If that weren't the case, I would never ask for a loan from them!

 

[Sky56]

No, I never asked or done that. I think because of that, they liked to just give it to me, been surprised when opening mailbox a number of times.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

We did. My mom offered us a large (to us) amount to help buy our first home as a "loan". She offered it graciously and without strings. There was no discussion of interest or payments. I know that she will not ask for it back unless we sell our home or she falls on very hard times. When I was a teenager I loaned my mom money I had earned to start her business, and I also worked for free for years and years in that same business. I helped her/us when it was needed, and she helped us when we needed it. We would not have accepted the money if it put any stress on our relationship.

Now, my in laws is another story. We would never borrow money from them, and learned that through some uncomfortable financial situation involving financial gifts. There are too many strings and negative emotions attached.

ETA: If my mom needed money, we would find a way to look after her. I am an only child and my mom has never been married and has no real savings. Right now, she is in a partnership that helps keep her financially stable. But... they are not married. And we will leave it at that We cannot afford to give her money, but if it came down to it we would move into a home with a "rental suite" and she would live there. I hope it never gets there, and she would not want us to support her in that way, but I would without question. My husband knows I feel that way and he is ok with it. I am fairly sure at some point she will live with us in a granny suite in our home, even for only a couple years. Its one of the only reasons we would move from our current home -- to buy a place with a suite for when she is too old to live on her own but not ready for a nursing home. I don't believe in nursing homes unless absolutely necessary, and I don't think she does either. She is very independent so it wouldn't be a problem having her on the same property as us. We just need a locking door between apartments . My grandmother lives with my aunt and uncle right now. This is how it goes in my family.

Funny how families differ on this. My in laws swear they would never "make" their kids look after them! And it wouldn't work living with them anyways, for a variety of reasons. But they are financially stable and have savings for their retirement and the lifestyle they want in their golden years (e.g., retirement community then nursing home). So, its all good.

 

[tammy77]

I would not borrow money from my parents, they don't have it to lend. If they did, it would be conditional and my relationship with them ha deteriorated so much that I just can't imagine ever asking or accepting their help. DH has had help from his mom and she's gifted us things (help with trips to visit the family, help with decorating our home because she wanted to do it, never asked to). We do what we can for her in return. She has a business and DH often helps her with technology issues, etc.

On the other hand, I've "lent" thousands to my parents over the years, starting at the age of 16 when I worked as a busser. My mom had surgery and my dad (as usual) did something stupid to break his ankle. Since he'd done something f else stupid 3 weeks earlier to keep him out of work, they fired him. Over the years my mom borrowed money from me and hid it from my father countless times and they lived with me for years at a time. Once I put my foot down, all of a sudden they stopped coming around and initiating telephone calls (they live 600 miles away). My mom also admitted about a year ago that she's had a gambling problem for the past 20 years. So needless to say, I will never put my family in a financial hardship for them again. If I sound bitter, it's because I am!

 

[SB621]

We have several times borrowed money from my inlaws. We actually had the money in our savings and stock, but my inlaws told us to not dip into our savings or sell the stock they would just loan us the money and we would pay them back. We have more long term investments where they have more liquid cash so it made sense to us. They know we will always pay them back quickly and we never expect a hand out. Plus if they needed the money back right away we would just cut them a check from our savings and have it to them the next day.

However, we would never borrow money from my family. They are not good with their financials so we would never see it back and they would probably waste it on something they didn't need. My family is all for making the quick buck.

 

[rubybeth]

We have and probably would again, if needed. We are close and they know about our finances to a large extent, because there's no reason for us to hide anything. They would know if our situation required a loan, and would likely offer to help us before we would have to ask. This has happened a number of times before. We needed to replace a vehicle a few years ago, and it was going to be a couple of months before we got our tax refund (this was when we had both just finished school and only had our 'real' jobs for a few months) so they wrote out the check for the car and we paid them back in full as soon as the refund came in. A couple years ago, they received an inheritance and decided they'd rather divide the money between me and my sister as an interest-free loan toward our student loans. My sister was able to skip taking out student loans that semester during grad school, and I was able to pay down more of my student loan debt, which is at over 6%. After my sister graduated, they informed us that the loan was totally forgiven and had turned into a gift instead.

For my in-laws, who aren't married to each other... MIL doesn't have anything (disabled, lives with boyfriend), and FIL doesn't have much (disabled vet but his wife works). They also don't know our financial picture as well as my parents, though FIL knows we are fine/financially secure, I think we both prefer DH's mom not knowing whether we are financially secure or living paycheck-to-paycheck, because she has asked us to help her on occasion, which we are able to do, but don't want it to become a regular thing or an expectation.

 

[justginger]

I've never borrowed money from anyone other than the bank for a mortgage, so definitely not. I can't imagine any circumstances where the financial plan I've put in place for my life would require outside help (besides an insurance claim, of course). I don't like the idea of being in debt to anyone, least of all my retired parents.

Who knows though? Life throws you some whacky curveballs and I try to never say never. But borrowing from parents would be an absolute last resort for me.

JG, if it was unavoidable, and you had to go to someone for help, would you go to your parents first, or to someone else, a friend or sibling perhaps?

If it were truly unavoidable, life or death, yes - I would go to my parents first. They are very financially secure and I know they'd not hesitate for a millisecond before draining every last penny for me. I think I've taken all of the steps necessary to avoid that from being a future possibility though.

 

[AprilBaby]

We needed money once, in an emergency, with plans to pay it back in two months with interest to the in laws. They said no.
It was truly an emergency. Now the situation is reversed and MIL is a widow. If she ever asked ( they asked for expensive gifts all the time) I would say he'll no! My parents never had the money. Now I have adult children . If they needed money I would give it to them and not ask for it back.
Btw, my husband caved to every a"gift" demand they made and it has caused a lot of trouble in our marriage. He says its his mother and he needs to "honor" her. At this point I don't want to be told about anything he "gifts" her with.

 

[JewelFreak]

I borrowed from my mother to pay for my wedding, but paid her back within 6 months because she was a widow & didn't have it to spare.

--- Laurie

 

[Laila619]

If I really needed to because DH and I were desperate, then I would. I know we'd find a way to pay them back, and they wouldn't worry about it.

 

[amc80]

I have. I didn't ask, my mom offered. We needed to move into a house (we had outgrown the condo) and were saving up to do so. She said she would loan us the money so we could move sooner.

 

[Christina...]

Interesting replies! There seems to be two camps, those who would and have, and those that feel very strongly that they wouldn't and haven't.

I belong in the would/have camp, but DH belongs to the wouldn't/haven't although has on several occasions loaned to his parents. Strangely he doesn't feel as strongly about the offers from MY parents, only that we shouldn't and will never borrow from his. This is probably because of the very different financial backgrounds of our parents. My parents are both retired and planned well for it, my grandparents have also recently began gifting them portions of their inheritance, and overall are in a more comfortable position to lend if the need were to arise. His both work very hard, but in jobs they capped out on long ago and therefore they don't earn more than a living wage I'm guessing. They do however have a 'mysterious' nest egg available them. I still get the sense though that asking them would be off limits regardless of their ability to lend it.


I hate borrowing money, but am also able to see the benefit of doing so in some cases. We've always paid back anything we have borrowed and there have never been any uncomfortable feelings, other than perhaps guilt and a sense of failure for having to have asked in the first place, but I've never liked the double standard that it's ok to ask mine, but not his.

 

[iluvshinythings]

It would be dire circumstances for me to borrow money from anyone. I'd only do it if I had a medical problem or was in immediate danger of starvation or homelessness.

I've given my (grown) daughter money from time to time when she's needed it. (for her education or medical expenses) I never loan her money, I give her money. She's fairly responsible financially so I don't worry about it.

Years ago when I was a single mom, my parents helped me out from time to time. Usually for car repairs and such. If they needed money now, I wouldn't hesitate.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

My brother and i grew up KNOWING we could not my mother for loans, even $5.00 to go to the movies when we were teenagers.
My brother and I worked when we were teenagers and had to pay board out of out salaries. My mother took one-third. My dad was different. Mother controlled the family finances but dad would spot me a 10 or 20 when I needed it. I always paid it back.

Once I asked my mother for money $100.00 and she gave it, but anything my mother gave had strings attached. I never asked again, ever, even when times were truly tough.

I lent my brother money for his first house and he paid me back in 2 yrs with bonus checks. During those tough yrs my brother paid for hospitals doctors for me. It took me 15 yrs to pay him back.

I never wanted to be like my mother. My son had the opportunity to buy his grandparents home after they died. I paid for the house, but it was in his name. He never paid me back. I don't feel too bad, as I was very sick and wanted to make sure he had place to live. If I had died I would have rested more easily knowing he had his own place. Yes, I had a house myself, but this was his.

I will lend some to family. I know my brother will always try to pay me back. I know my son will never try to pay me back. His house is sold because he got sick and now I am better, so he lives with me.
It used to bother me, but not anymore.

lIKE Packrat my mother had so much help when she came to this country from her brothers and my dads brother, it is shocking how little she wanted to give. My brother and i put ourselves through college.

Annette

 

[LLJsmom]

Yes have borrowed $$ to do remodels, and paid back within a year. They always want us to have the money rather than borrow from a bank and pay interest. They always try to give us money even it is their last bit of savings. We keep refusing. I give my parents money on a regular basis. Maybe it's a cultural thing. I'm Chinese. They keep putting money into 529 plans and life insurance policies for my kids. We're financially very intertwined. They've given us property and we pay the mortgage and bills for them. I'm fine with that. With my in-laws, we would lend or borrow if necessary. We aren't close to them as to my parents. With my kids, I would lend them money as long as they show they are financially responsible. When I die, it's all going to them anyway. The generations are very closely tied.

 

[SB621]

It seems the ppl with good relationship with their familes have no problem with borrowing money while if you are the opposite it would never happen. I completely get that. It is bizarre that I would borrow money from my MIL, but never ask my own mother.

 

[partgypsy]

Well, neither of my parents have any money, so no. In fact when I can I give money to my mother. During the time when my parents were well off, I was either unaware of it, or a teenager in an antimaterialist stage and didn't want their money.

As an example when I was in grad school I lucked into a great deal of getting a washer and dryer for $300 (someone was moving) and I was so poor I didn't have the cash to buy it. So I borrowed the money from my little brother whom I paid him back over the course of a few months.
Part of the reason my husband and I eloped, we didn't have the money for a wedding, we didn't want to go into debt for it, and I didn't want to feel endebted to parents or parents in law for paying for any wedding costs.

Now that I'm older I don't feel so strict about it, that if my parents did have money and wanted to give it to me, I would take it no problem, because that's what many previous generations have done, help the younger generation.

I really identified with the situation in This is 40, where the wife doesn't feel comfortable asking her father for money, yet at the same time the husband feels obligated to help out his father financially (but switching the genders).

 

[justginger]

It seems the ppl with good relationship with their familes have no problem with borrowing money while if you are the opposite it would never happen. I completely get that. It is bizarre that I would borrow money from my MIL, but never ask my own mother.

I have an excellent relationship with my parents and would rather walk over hot coals than ask for their money. They're retired and I want them to spend every penny on having a ball, not taking care of me. They did that bit for 18 years, and did it well, lol.

 

[LLJsmom]

It seems the ppl with good relationship with their familes have no problem with borrowing money while if you are the opposite it would never happen. I completely get that. It is bizarre that I would borrow money from my MIL, but never ask my own mother.

I have an excellent relationship with my parents and would rather walk over hot coals than ask for their money. They're retired and I want them to spend every penny on having a ball, not taking care of me. They did that bit for 18 years, and did it well, lol.

That's what I used to think too. However, after I had my own children, I realize what a joy it is for me to be able to care for them, even though they are young now, in all aspects of their lives. When they grow older, and if I can help them, I would be more than happy to. I REQUIRE THEM TO BE FINANCIALLY SELF-SUFFICIENT AND RESPONSIBLE, but if I wanted to, which I probably would, I can help them out with short term loans, or if something disastrous happened, and if I could help I would. I might even just straight up give them money or help with saving for my own grandchildren if I have any. It would be a blessing and a pleasure if I could. I am sure this is a function of my parents' attitude toward money and family, and it rubbing off on me.