Why are people mean on the internet?

[galeteia]

Late night ponderings...

I've been lurking on a fair number of forums lately, just reading, and it seems like the ratio of mean:nice posts is strangely high compared to real-world, and also compared to here.

You do find nice people and not so nice people everywhere on the internet, of course, but I'm really curious as to what about the internet brings out the vicious streak in some people? Is it just that it's hard to read tone into things, so people are easily offended by what they percieve as an insult when none was meant? Is it the anonymity, that you can say baldly what you only think to yourself in the free world? Is it that you don't have any investment in the person you're responding to so there is no need for niceties? Is it that, normally, mean people stay indoors and don't venture out into the street to accost the nearest person and abraid them?

(Ok, seriously exaggerating on that last one.) Is it just easier to be unequivocably nice to people in person?

Since Irina's (Leonid's?) thread discussing moderation styles and the trouble with 'groupthink', I've been really noticing that in other forums.

Just curious to hear people's thoughts on this.

 

[diamondfan]

I think both of your points have merit. It is easy to be misinterpreted via this medium, as there is no facial expression or tone to go along with the words. (this might sometimes work in the opposite way, too, and something meant to be nasty can be taken as merely funny etc, but I find the former more true than the latter). Also, because there is usually annonymity, it is easier for some people to let it all hang out as it were, since they do not think about the issue of having to see the person in their daily life. I think some people are also not ones to mince words, they have a point to make and they make it, it is not about sugar coating or being ultra careful or diplomatic in word choice etc. They figure, you asked, I will tell you. Here it is. The internet and forums in particular are just like the real world, in which is takes all kinds. Can be intimidating, I lurked for a while before I posted. I have been lucky to become very close to Lorelei and Kaleigh, we have even had lunch since she lives in my neighborhood. there are also lots of great and interesting folks I have met here whom I would like to meet someday. Overall I have found it to be a wonderful experience.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/7/2006 12:42:06 AM
Author: diamondfan
I think both of your points have merit. It is easy to be misinterpreted via this medium, as there is no facial expression or tone to go along with the words. (this might sometimes work in the opposite way, too, and something meant to be nasty can be taken as merely funny etc, but I find the former more true than the latter). Also, because there is usually annonymity, it is easier for some people to let it all hang out as it were, since they do not think about the issue of having to see the person in their daily life. I think some people are also not ones to mince words, they have a point to make and they make it, it is not about sugar coating or being ultra careful or diplomatic in word choice etc. They figure, you asked, I will tell you. Here it is. The internet and forums in particular are just like the real world, in which is takes all kinds. Can be intimidating, I lurked for a while before I posted. I have been lucky to become very close to Lorelei and Kaleigh, we have even had lunch since she lives in my neighborhood. there are also lots of great and interesting folks I have met here whom I would like to meet someday. Overall I have found it to be a wonderful experience.

I totally agree that the internet is a wonderful thing. It brought me and my FF together!

Not to mention what a great resource for information it is (thank you, Google Scholar!).

Forums can be strange places, though. It always amazes me how fast flamewars can start, or how hard it is not to get involved sometimes. *scratches head*

I think it''s also much easier to say "Whoops! That came out wrong, let me try that again" when you are talking to someone in person-- facial cues are my friend.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Have you visited The Knot yet? Yikes! They are horrible there! I feel lucky that Pricescope is so friendly,

 

[monarch64]

I''ve definitely noticed this phenomenon, and the reason I spend the majority of my net time on PS is that there are so many nice folks here. For the most part, I find them to be cultured, well-spoken (or typed, ha ha), knowledgeable, and friendly. Other sites I''ve been to (not necessarily diamond-oriented) seem to contain a ton of uneducated, ignorant, and downright mean posts that aren''t constructive or helpful in any way. Certainly there have been posts here on PS, although few and far between, that have made me scratch my head and think "this person must be having a terrible day and they are taking it out here in cyper space," but that''s really been all the energy I''ve expended on the topic. I guess I''m not overly analytical when it comes to trying to decipher why a person would "misbehave" on a public forum. I try to remain pretty neutral when I disagree with what someone''s viewpoint is, or I don''t respond, mainly because I don''t want to offend anyone. Basically, I follow the Bambi rule--if you can''t say something nice, don''t say anything. If I disagree with a post, and feel I have something constructive to offer as an alternative, I will post that thought, but I try to be somewhat positive. I really don''t know why other folks feel it is ok to be abusive or overly negative. I don''t care if someone is critical, or isn''t the type to "sugar-coat," I usually appreciate their honesty and style, but when it gets to be rude or negative, I just don''t feel any respect for that and am prone to pay much less attention to that particular poster.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/7/2006 1:11:16 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Have you visited The Knot yet? Yikes! They are horrible there! I feel lucky that Pricescope is so friendly,

I know! Yeek!

I peeked in there before I found PS, but decided it was too scary. I just couldn't relate to most of the people who seemed to be posting the most often. I guess it was just stress, but so many people seemed so angry...

 

[Ellen]

Besides some things mentioned here, I think part of it has to do with the moderators, and what they will and won''t allow. I''ve been on forums that run the gamut, some anything goes, some none, some in the middle.

I''m not saying one is right and one is wrong, just my observations.

But I tend to believe that most of the people who are rude and obnoxious on the net, are probably so in real life as well.

 

[strmrdr]

cuz its hard but not impossible to punch someone who is being a jerk in the nose accross the net so they think they can get by with it.

 

[nytemist]

Some may have just had a horrible day and it comes across in their writing. Typically, if that''s the case, the person will apologize.

Sometimes it may be hard to gage a person''s demeanor by reading what they write. They will explain themselves.

Unfortunately, there are lots of people who just are really that mean and don''t care who they hurt. My mother is one.

And the rest? It''s scary how many people are that ignorant and truly do not know any other way to communicate.

 

[pricescope]

"On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog"

Cartoon by Peter Steiner. The New Yorker, July 5, 1993 issue (Vol.69 (LXIX) no. 20) page 61

 

[february2003bride]

Tacori is SO right about The Knot being vicious! I started posting there after DH and I got engaged and asked about wedding bands. I made some comment on how weird my e-ring felt and the size of the stone (just over a carat) and someone said "Get over it! Your diamond is SMALL."

I quickly learned what to post and what not to post on The Knot. Yikes!

 

[Sundial]

Date: 8/7/2006 10:10:19 AM
Author: february2003bride
Tacori is SO right about The Knot being vicious! I started posting there after DH and I got engaged and asked about wedding bands. I made some comment on how weird my e-ring felt and the size of the stone (just over a carat) and someone said ''Get over it! Your diamond is SMALL.''

I quickly learned what to post and what not to post on The Knot. Yikes!

Now that is interesting. I''ve never been on The Knot because I''ve been married forever, but I would have thought that a place where brides-to-be gather would be fun and full of shared excitement. I can''t believe that someone would make that comment about your stone! I agree that being anonymous on the internet makes people bolder than they might be in person (at least you hope they aren''t like that in person!).

 

[asscherisme]

Yikes! I have never been on the knot because when I was planning my wedding, the internet was still in its infancy and that site did not exist.

I think in general women are not good to each other. I never understood why but I think women can be very catty and nasty to each other.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/7/2006 11:46:52 AM
Author: asscherisme

I think in general women are not good to each other. I never understood why but I think women can be very catty and nasty to each other.

lol I don''t "think it", I know it! Not all though.

I''ve never understood why either, but my guess is insecurities...

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/7/2006 11:51:30 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 8/7/2006 11:46:52 AM
Author: asscherisme

I think in general women are not good to each other. I never understood why but I think women can be very catty and nasty to each other.

lol I don''t ''think it'', I know it! Not all though.

I''ve never understood why either, but my guess is insecurities...

Like anything else, it''s dependent on the people and the situation, but I do notice that when women get nasty, it is ug-lee. A man on the warpath can''t hold a candle to a woman who is out for blood. Truly scary. A woman can decimate her target with a single well-place veiled comment...

Strange.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 8/7/2006 10:10:19 AM
Author: february2003bride
Tacori is SO right about The Knot being vicious! I started posting there after DH and I got engaged and asked about wedding bands. I made some comment on how weird my e-ring felt and the size of the stone (just over a carat) and someone said ''Get over it! Your diamond is SMALL.''

I quickly learned what to post and what not to post on The Knot. Yikes!

I cannot IMAGINE someone saying that. How RUDE. If for some odd reason I felt like being snippy, I think I would just NOT post. What can be gained by hurting a total stranger? Someone must be pretty insecure and miserable in THEIR life to do that. I have had a couple run ins with people here who were less than nice, and I held my ground. But again, in life, as on the net, people are what they are, so someone who tends to be jealous or nasty is going to be that on line too. What a shame, though. Just so stupid for someone to do that. I wish you would have told her where to stick it!!!

 

[Fancy605]

The long and short of it is people are mean on the internet because they are mean in real life. And when you add that to the whole annonymity concept, and well... you bring out the big guns.

Fortunately PS does not fit the mold of most internet forums.
Not to be mean (haha), but I feel like the Knot forums have a good deal of--how shall we say--trashy people on them. One of the reasons PS is nice is because almost everyone has class, tact, and manners. And everyone seems educated. It''s not like PSers are trying to be propper little yuppies or anything, it''s just they seem to value the treatment of others. Yes people can be blunt, but I don''t think anyone means it as "Mean." I think it is generally meant as an honest point of view--and if it''s harsh, well sometimes the truth is a little harsh, but I think here people point out the truth as a means of being concerned rather than "I''m right, you''re wrong. haha. in your face." And I agree that a lot of the time here implied harshness is a misunderstanding. PS just attracts a specific type of people, and for some reason, the sort of people who like to insert as much mean-ness and profanity (and bad grammar) as possible in each sentence seem to be repelled. Maybe those sort of people are intimidated to post here (or maybe they just get weeded out and banned before I read their posts.)

 

[ladykemma]

i went, out of curiosity, to the knot. yikes. they''re mean! and for no reason at all.

i think it''s an unmoderated forum. and the advertisements are beyond irritating.

the people at the knot strike me as early 18-20''s, juvenile, uneducated, trashy, and mean.

1 carat is large, hunney!

 

[RoseAngel04]

OMG The Knot is horrible!!!

I went lurking around a few weeks back in my towns forum and they were vicious to one another. There was a LIW, who may not have had the best relationship with her bf etc...but they poked fun at her for being at a wedding site when she wasn''t even engaged and how she bought her own engagement ring and her bf still wouldn''t propose. It was horrible!!! They were cutting her to shreads!!

We should consider ourselves fortunate that we have the LIW thread that is so encouraging here!

 

[Sundial]

Of course one has to wonder why someone would subject themselves to this kind of abuse on an internet site???

 

[asscherisme]

Yikes! How sad. 1ct is HUGE! My DH proposed to me with a .81 and I thought that was HUGE. I wore it happily for 10 years until he gave me a gift of a larger diamond. He prefers the word gift not upgrade!

One day when my daughters get engaged I could care less how big a ring they are given, as long as the man who they plan to marry loves them and they have a good relationship who cares!!

Oh, and if my son gave a ring to a woman and she rejected it because it was not big enough I would have to have a serious talk with my son and make sure he really wants to marry someone like that!

I have 2 sons and 2 daughters so I will see both sides one day (hopefully)

 

[Madam Bijoux]

It''s cowardice. People are mean on the internet because they know that , at worst, they would get a warning or be banned from a forum. The people at home wouldn''t tolerate their belligerent behavior and they would be fired if they acted that way at work-so-they relieve their frustrations by going on the internet and insulting inoffensive people.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 8/7/2006 9:50:52 PM
Author: Madam Bijoux
It''s cowardice. People are mean on the internet because they know that , at worst, they would get a warning or be banned from a forum. The people at home wouldn''t tolerate their belligerent behavior and they would be fired if they acted that way at work-so-they relieve their frustrations by going on the internet and insulting inoffensive people.

I agree! I think it is the place to dump frustration and anger in a more anonymous way. In life, most times, the people they spend time with would not likely tolerate this, so it is easy to do it in this fashion. A pretty sad commentary, I think. I just cannot imagine feeling so much frustration in my life that picking strangers apart over the computer would make me feel better!

 

[Gypsy]

It's funny I was a frequent poster on theknot about... two years ago... two and half? But it started to get really vicious so I left. It's terrible there now. Although the brides on the Destination wedding boards and some of the local boards can be nice. But the main boards are awful.

As for why? I don't think a bunch of stressed out brides with unrealistic expectations and dreams of keeping up with the jones being around one another constantly makes for a very sane environment. They feed off of one anothers psychosis. One of them posts that her bridesmaids are flying her out to Cancun for a party... the others start feeling disasatisfied with their attendants's plans and start being unreasonable... only they don't realize they are being unreasonable because everyone on at board is telling them that their attendants SHOULD pony up their life savings, kneel down, and kiss the helm of the wedding gown that they were asked to be BM's in the first place.

Seriously, Bridezilla syndrome is an infectious disease and theknot is it's breeding ground. I had it myself once... I started wondering why my fiance wasn't willing to wear exactly what I wanted him to wear-- why he was being so unreasonable as to want input on the wedding plans... etc. I shook it off but well... it made FI's life hell for a while.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/7/2006 10:33:06 PM
Author: Gypsy
It''s funny I was a frequent poster on theknot about... two years ago... two and half? But it started to get really vicious so I left. It''s terrible there now. Although the brides on the Destination wedding boards and some of the local boards can be nice. But the main boards are awful.


As for why? I don''t think a bunch of stressed out brides with unrealistic expectations and dreams of keeping up with the jones being around one another constantly makes for a very sane environment. They feed off of one anothers psychosis. One of them posts that her bridesmaids are flying her out to Cancun for a party... the others start feeling disasatisfied with their attendants''s plans and start being unreasonable... only they don''t realize they are being unreasonable because everyone on at board is telling them that their attendants SHOULD pony up their life savings, kneel down, and kiss the helm of the wedding gown that they were asked to be BM''s in the first place.

Seriously, Bridezilla syndrome is an infectious disease and theknot is it''s breeding ground. I had it myself once... I started wondering why my fiance wasn''t willing to wear exactly what I wanted him to wear-- why he was being so unreasonable as to want input on the wedding plans... etc. I shook it off but well... it made FI''s life hell for a while.

I never thought about it that way, but that''s so true!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/7/2006 11:02:20 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 8/7/2006 10:33:06 PM
Author: Gypsy
It''s funny I was a frequent poster on theknot about... two years ago... two and half? But it started to get really vicious so I left. It''s terrible there now. Although the brides on the Destination wedding boards and some of the local boards can be nice. But the main boards are awful.


As for why? I don''t think a bunch of stressed out brides with unrealistic expectations and dreams of keeping up with the jones being around one another constantly makes for a very sane environment. They feed off of one anothers psychosis. One of them posts that her bridesmaids are flying her out to Cancun for a party... the others start feeling disasatisfied with their attendants''s plans and start being unreasonable... only they don''t realize they are being unreasonable because everyone on at board is telling them that their attendants SHOULD pony up their life savings, kneel down, and kiss the helm of the wedding gown that they were asked to be BM''s in the first place.

Seriously, Bridezilla syndrome is an infectious disease and theknot is it''s breeding ground. I had it myself once... I started wondering why my fiance wasn''t willing to wear exactly what I wanted him to wear-- why he was being so unreasonable as to want input on the wedding plans... etc. I shook it off but well... it made FI''s life hell for a while.

I never thought about it that way, but that''s so true!

"misery loves company." ''nuf said.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Someone on this forum, of all places, once said that we have a enough political correctness in the real world to deal with, so we should be able to say whatever we please online. She used this as an excuse to degrade fellow pricescopers

. Clearly she is one case of probably a majority of people who feel the obligation to behave properly on a face-to-face basis and who end up venting their frustrations at those victims who cannot take action (as would a co-worker or associate may) by bashing others/strangers online.

I do think that some individuals feel powerless in real life and use the internet to boost their poor self-esteem by insulting others or over-extending their right to have an opinion. When it's the same person being rude over and over, it's obvious that there is more that meet the written word! Some people are just plain messed up.

 

[flopkins]

Gypsy - I agree w/you on theknot - I found my local board invaluable in wedding planning, and they were a big help in finding vendors, offering support, etc.. but the main boards are mostly trash... I stay as far away as possible.

The anonymity of the internet lets ppl hide their true nasty selves, or nasty alter egos... I''m happy that PS is so friendly... who could be sad about DIAMONDS?! hehe.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/7/2006 12:58:11 PM
Author: Fancy605

The long and short of it is people are mean on the internet because they are mean in real life. And when you add that to the whole annonymity concept, and well... you bring out the big guns.

Yup, that''s about the gist of it. The Internet can often put your personality on steroids...

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 8/8/2006 1:50:59 AM
Author: MC
Someone on this forum, of all places, once said that we have a enough political correctness in the real world to deal with, so we should be able to say whatever we please online. She used this as an excuse to degrade fellow pricescopers

. Clearly she is one case of probably a majority of people who feel the obligation to behave properly on a face-to-face basis and who end up venting their frustrations at those victims who cannot take action (as would a co-worker or associate may) by bashing others/strangers online.

I do think that some individuals feel powerless in real life and use the internet to boost their poor self-esteem by insulting others or over-extending their right to have an opinion. When it''s the same person being rude over and over, it''s obvious that there is more that meet the written word! Some people are just plain messed up.

Too true, how many times can someone claim to have not been understood? Sometimes it is what it is, someone who uses a site like this or others to be Queen or King Bee and dump on others. Everyone can have a bad day or come off at times as being less than sensitive etc...but it becomes clear quite quickly when it is more than that...and it is a shame. I value an honest answer to a direct question, if not, why ask? But there is a fine line between honest or frank and being cruel, and some people have crossed it on more than one occasion.