What to say to someone who is dying?

[random_thought]

My mother isn't expected to make it much longer. I'm driving out to see her next week with my family but I'm not sure what to say to her. She's been battling cancer for almost 15 years now so it feels like I've been saying goodbye for 15 years. Just keep saying that I love her? We've started planning the funeral and getting her input on what she would like. I know she is scared of what is next. Do I just chat about everyday things? Or does that come off as ignorant? Unloving?

It's hard to lose your mom so young I was hoping she would live to see one more grandchild but my stupid infertility got in the way. Is it ok to bring my 4 year old to see her or do you think it will be overwhelming to him, her or both?

Ugh

Thanks in advance for any advice....

 

[missy]

I'm so sorry random thought. I would ask your mom what she wants to talk about and I also would bring my 4 yo as long as there is someone who is around who can keep her company some of the time so you can have private time with your mom. Most importantly I would just be there for her. It is comforting having loved ones around during stressful and traumatic times and sometimes just knowing there are loved ones there is all that is necessary to bring comfort and peace. Knowing she is not alone. Sending you and your mom good thoughts and vibes for a loving and peaceful visit.

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, random, I wish I could take away the pain. These last weeks/days are so bittersweet.

Grief literature says that final things to say often fall into these categories: Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. Goodbye.

Think if there is anything about her life or her family that you might want to ask her. (I don't know if she's very responsive.) By the way, it's commonly thought that hearing is the last sense to go, so even if she goes into a coma, she may well be able to hear you still. This means you can talk to her about things, but also be wary of saying anything that you wouldn't say if she were awake.

My mother died very suddenly so I wasn't able to say goodbye, but if I had been there, the things I wanted to say the most were to thank her for everything she had done for me and to reassure her that I would be fine, and that I would always remember her.

Since she won't see your grandchildren grow up, you could tell her that you'll ensure they know her by photos and family stories, that you will talk about her with them.

You are in my thoughts xxxx

 

[CJ2008]

Sorry about your mom and that you are going through this random

I tend to be a straightforward person and I *think* I would like to be asked what I would want...

So I like missy's advice to ask her what she wants to talk about...let her direct the conversation...

As far as your child, that's a tough one...I'd say ask her, but she may feel too guilty/terrible to say no if she really rather not see him for whatever reason...maybe you can bring a laptop and set something up via Skype so she gets to see him and you don't run the risk of overwhelming either one of them?

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I'm so sorry random thought. I would ask your mom what she wants to talk about and I also would bring my 4 yo as long as there is someone who is around who can keep her company some of the time so you can have private time with your mom. Most importantly I would just be there for her. It is comforting having loved ones around during stressful and traumatic times and sometimes just knowing there are loved ones there is all that is necessary to bring comfort and peace. Knowing she is not alone. Sending you and your mom good thoughts and vibes for a loving and peaceful visit.

this.

When my friend was on her final journey around the sun we sat and just talked about whatever came into her head. We held hands and laughed and I made sure she knew I loved her. I thought it would be awful but it wasn't. It made accepting her death a little easier knowing she went in peace. I'm sorry you are going thru this, but your being there really is a gift for both of you.

 

[KaeKae]

I'm so sorry, random, I know this is a very stressful time.

I think you say what comes to mind. Maybe on your way there, you can start thinking about some good memories to share. Things from childhood on up. Sometimes it's the simplest things that are meaningful. For example, if it were my mom, I might reminisce about summer days at the swim club and spending snow days sledding at the local park.

 

[random_thought]

Thank you all for your suggestions, it helps a lot.

I guess what I'm wondering is if by talking about memories or thanking her for everything she did, do you think that might put her into a depression since she is unsure of what is coming next? I just don't want to upset her

 

[CJ2008]

Thank you all for your suggestions, it helps a lot.

I guess what I'm wondering is if by talking about memories or thanking her for everything she did, do you think that might put her into a depression since she is unsure of what is coming next? I just don't want to upset her

I see what you're saying...

Don't say things as if they're already in the past and like she's gone.

Say things like

Remember when...?
What was the name of that place we went to when I was little I used to love?

ETA you know what I was thinking about the other day? when you used to (say, do, visit, etc.)

etc

 

[Dancing Fire]

RT...Sorry to hear the news about your mom.. I don't have any advise all I can do is offer you a BIG HUG.

 

[canuk-gal]

Thank you all for your suggestions, it helps a lot.

I guess what I'm wondering is if by talking about memories or thanking her for everything she did, do you think that might put her into a depression since she is unsure of what is coming next? I just don't want to upset her

HI:

RT--let her behavior be your guide. If she wants to talk about certain subjects--or brings up issues, then elaborate if/where necessary. Remember, you don't have to "talk" all the time. Active listening is very supportive. You are there--and your presence is really what she wants.

That said, comfort is a big thing for "me". If there is anything you can arrange or ensure--is that she is comfortable. Nice cool, dry pillowcase. Ice chips if she cannot take sufficient liquids. Lip and skin care. Her favorite gown. Ask her if she'd mind you gently rubbing her feet or washing her hands and face. You'd be surprised what a soft touch from a cherished family member does for you both.

Missy said she hoped you have a peaceful trip, and so do I.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[TooPatient]

Thank you all for your suggestions, it helps a lot.

I guess what I'm wondering is if by talking about memories or thanking her for everything she did, do you think that might put her into a depression since she is unsure of what is coming next? I just don't want to upset her

Follow her lead.
Say what you need to. Don't regret later.

Every day stuff (minus stressful things she can't help with if she doesn't already know) is good. Don't force a topic. Of she shifts, just go with her.

If you take your daughter, make sure there is someone to watch her. You will need time by yourself and time with your mom. How does your mom feel? Is she up to holding her granddaughter or would it be easier to just say hi through Skype?

If your husband is with you and can take care of your daughter alone and bring her to visit as comfortable, that would probably work. Otherwise, personally, I would lean towards not. You will want to be there for your mom and can't do that if you are doing full time mom stuff.


When I lost my Grandma (more like a mom than my mother), she really led everything. Follow her lead and she will be okay.

Sending you and your mom hugs.

 

[MollyMalone]

Do you and/or your parents have family photo albums, or photos you can share with each other? The evenings we spent (about two weeks before my mother died of ovarian cancer) looking at those, reminiscing & laughing, sometimes through tears, were a very special time for all of us.

My mother was very open about what she wanted, e.g., she asked me to go with her through her jewelry, handbags, etc. as she wanted me to deliver, after her death (at that point, she found socializing exhausting, preferred to cocoon with just immediate family), the selections we made that day to her best friends,my niece, my sister-in-law & give me choices for myself. That too was an evening I will always treasure for I learned some things about her, her childhood & adulthood, that I had not known before. And later it was wonderful to be able to say to the recipients, "my mother wanted you to have this" and tell them why, provide some background to the selected item (and it meant a lot to them too). She also asked me to purchase greeting cards for her in which she wanted to write little notes; the cards were to be given to her grandchildren on special occasions in the years to come, like their high school and college graduations, wedding days if they married. (I bawled my head off in the parking lot next to the card shop after making those purchases)

Since your mother is interested in the plans for her funeral, that sounds like a good indicator that, like my mom, she will give you leads -- many do not -- as to where she "is".

Is she at home; are hospice services already part of her life at home? Immeasurably wonderful resources and support for patients & their families; the staff answered all the questions any of us had. Her final hours, at home, were so peaceful and serene (with the assistance of the morphine prescribed for her pain): her favorite music playing, votive candles flickering.

I wish that for your mother and family.

 

[azstonie]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its so hard.

I think take your 4 year old BUT always have a place/person who can take her out of things if the intensity is more than she can handle. Have lots of stickers and age appropriate toys/games/what she likes around so when she starts feeling it, she has something to turn her attention to and zone out with.

Re your mom, ask her what she would like or what she needs.

Think about what *you* would like or need, one of the benefits you should reap is being able to gain your own peaceful closure too.

 

[momhappy]

Thank you all for your suggestions, it helps a lot.

I guess what I'm wondering is if by talking about memories or thanking her for everything she did, do you think that might put her into a depression since she is unsure of what is coming next? I just don't want to upset her

I would just take clues from her. Let her lead the conversations and see where they go. You might find that she wants to talk about sensitive things (like memories, etc.) or maybe she'd prefer to keep things neutral.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Losing someone to cancer is sooooo hard

 

[tyty333]

RT,
I really have nothing to add to the good advice others have already posted. Just wanted to offer my support. I'm so sorry you
and your mother are going through this. You're in my thoughts. Tyty

 

[VRBeauty]

Grief literature says that final things to say often fall into these categories: Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. Goodbye.

Think if there is anything about her life or her family that you might want to ask her. (I don't know if she's very responsive.) .....

Since she won't see your grandchildren grow up, you could tell her that you'll ensure they know her by photos and family stories, that you will talk about her with them.

Random thoughts - I'm sorry you're going through this.

I wish I had asked these questions when my mother was dying. My mother always had a very strong sense of self-denial, and it was hard for her to ask for what she might have needed from us, even as she was dying. Those four categories Jambabaya mentioned - that's what I wish I'd said more of, more clearly. And I wish I had asked more, and listened more, when she talked about her life before us.

If you have siblings, I think your mother would want to know that you'll remain a family and look after each other no matter what. The same goes for your own family unit.

 

[marcy]

I am sorry you are going through this. I've heard that too their hearing is the last to go. My mom was in a coma her last week or so and we all kind of noticed she settled down or rested a little easier when we were holding her hand or talking to her. While she was still kind of alert she liked us to just talk to her about family, memories, her flowers; things that were important to her. She had reached a point where she barely said more than a word or two anyway but she always seemed to appreciate people coming to see her. If she is able to carry on a conversation I would let her direct the direction the conversation goes. Hugs to you, her and your family.

 

[the_mother_thing]

Many hugs and peace to you, your mom and entire family. I don't know what to suggest talking about, and I haven't lost my mother, but I will share that - in my grandmom's final days - we surrounded her with love and presence. She was on a baby food diet due to her inability to manage regular foods, and my daughter - then about 3 years old - wanted to help feed her since she'd (Grandmom) had fed her (my daughter) so many times. My daughter played the same airplane game that Grandmom did with her. None of us knew it was the last time we would witness grandmom laugh, and while it was a very sad loss for our family to say goodbye to our sweet grandmom, that moment created a lovely memory for us all that we still reflect on to this day.

Moral of this story - don't worry so much about *what* to say; surround her with love and loved ones, and continue to make memories with every second you have with her. (Hug)

 

[OreoRosies86]

Of course thank her for giving you life. Tell her you are so happy she is your mom. Talk about nice memories. Tell her it is going to be ok.

I'm so sorry you are losing your mother.

 

[peachster]

Okay, I just went through this. And I did it the wrong way, because I couldn't bear losing her. What I know is that it's less about what you say, and more about being there, being present, being responsive, showing love in small ways. Laughter helps. But the person who is dying has the really hard task of fighting to stay and letting go, and what and how you say things should be tailored to her. I think that the first phrase we remember as little kids is the last one we may want to hear, "I love you."

 

[LLJsmom]

So hard to read this thread, let alone go through what you are going through. If it were me, I would tell her I love her as much as she can can bear hearing it. I would try to be physically near as often as possible. But I am sure what everyone said about letting her take the lead is a good idea. I know my mom would want to know that I was aware of everything she did for me and that our whole family was grateful and that she is the best mother I could have. That I understand and love her. That we will be fine. That the grandkids will be fine. I'm so sorry...

 

[random_thought]

My mom passed away peacefully this morning. Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I was able to say everything I needed to thanks in part to your suggestions and advice...

 

[VRBeauty]

RT: Please accept my condolences for you and your family. Take good care of yourself in the coming weeks...

 

[CJ2008]

Oh, I'm so sorry random...

but I am so glad to hear you were able to say the things you wanted to...I am sure they filled her with so much comfort and warmth and that you helped her so much.

 

[mary poppins]

So sorry to hear your mom passed away, random thoughts. I"m glad to hear she went peacefully and you were able to say everything you wanted to say. Many people do not get that opportunity, so you are fortunate in that sense.

 

[rainwood]

I'm so sorry about your mother's passing. Knowing you said everything you wanted will give you peace.

 

[Tekate]

Dear Random, I am, I would bet your mom's age.. I'm 62, I think your mother must have been extremely proud of you, and your love and your caring.. that she died peacefully says quite a lot about your and her love.. I am so sorry for you, Mom's are so special.. I still miss my mom and she died in 2000. I send you love, support and peace in your heart knowing you reached out to others because you loved her so much.. this says a lot about her and a lot more about you... sending hugs across this wide web hoping you are okay.

((((Random))))

Tekate

 

[TooPatient]

RT -- I am so sorry for your loss.

When you feel ready, look into the Relay for Life. Being out there with survivors and also others who had lost loved ones really helped me begin to heal. The Luminaries Ceremony is spectacular.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

So very sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace.

 

[marcy]

I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.