What do you do with your hatred of a perp?

[JanesJewels]

Some of you may be lawyers or DAs or ADAs or have served on jurys. How do you lay down your hatred of a perp who is truly criminal yet not recognised for his or her sins? Who destroys lives and yet goes free, living a life with a family and with friends who think they're just dandy and who will cry over their coffins, no matter how many people they hurt outside the family?

How do you stop your hatred of this person from consuming your life with the unfairness of it all? And what if the perp is a family member - what then?

I know I should trust in the premenstrual bitch that is karma, and trust that those black hearts they possess will keep them from real happiness......but all I can see is true criminals getting away with it and sporting smiles on their guilty faces. When you see someone who is truly criminal being tried for their actions and then receiving the benefit of the doubt, complete with soft hearts opening to them - and you know they would have killed those soft hearts as soon as look at them....what do you do? How do you go on, knowing they are also going on despite what they did - completely unscathed? How do you stop the sheer moral unfairness of it all from eating you alive?

Answers on a postcard.

 

[JanesJewels]

Ahem. I realise that probably most people have never been in this situation.

To re-phrase, in your life when you have seen someone do something terribly wrong and they get away with it and continue on their merry way....how do you deal with that?

 

[Harpertoo]

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”


― Gautama Buddha

 

[AGBF]

Hi, JJ-

I realize that phrasing the question as you did will elicit more responses than telling us what is going on. People always respond to threads in which their own opinions are asked. However, my natural inclination is to ask you for more information about what is going on with you. In my opinion, there is no one answer to this question. If someone asked this of me in person, I would want to know why the person was asking.

Deb/AGBF

 

[missy]

I agree with Deb in that I would need details to be able to answer this question to the best of my ability. Speaking in general terms would be challenging and probably inaccurate as it depends on the people involved and the crime that was committed and the damage that was done as well as the intent on the part of the criminal.

I am sorry you are dealing with something so aggravating and perhaps life altering and I am sending peaceful thoughts and good vibes your way.

 

[AGBF]

I am sorry you are dealing with something so aggravating and perhaps life altering and I am sending peaceful thoughts and good vibes your way.

threadjack to say: you are such a sweetheart, missy. It never occurred to me to say what you did. I love you.

Deb

 

[TooPatient]

Jane,
Sending you big hugs. I don't know what you are going through but it must be awful.

Regarding your question, it would depend on the specifics. For "small stuff" I just sort of shake my head and hope justice is done before the person escalates. For something big? I don't know. I'm still working on that. The best I've been able to manage is that the best thing is to go on and be successful in my life despite them. Pick something that makes a positive difference in the world and embrace it. That doesn't make it go away. I don't know if anything really does. Again, the details make a big difference too. It is a lot easier to work at setting aside hatred and moving on with life if it was "just" something "small" than for something irreversible and life changing like causing death or permanent injury (even "just" mental).

Oh... You asked about what if it is a person in your family. I've had plenty of really nasty family members. At the end of the day, I am still in contact with some who did "small" stuff but chose to end contact with those who did things I just couldn't get past.

I hope you'll share what you are comfortable with. Talking can really help.

 

[momhappy]

Ahem. I realise that probably most people have never been in this situation.

To re-phrase, in your life when you have seen someone do something terribly wrong and they get away with it and continue on their merry way....how do you deal with that?

It's a choice. You can choose to move on (which doesn't necessarily mean to forgive and forget) or you can let it consume you. My personal experience (which is related to a family member, but not something that I care to share on a public forum) taught me that retaining anger/hatred was only hurtful to myself and therefore, not worth the effort because it would have been detrimental to my success in life. The events that occurred will always be a part of my life (and a part of who I am), but they do not define my life (or the choices that I make) because I choose to move forward.

 

[House Cat]

I think it takes time, lots and lots of time. Firstly, the wound created must heal and this process requires patience. Personally, I am never patient with the healing process. I always want to be healed right now. I am slowly learning that there is wisdom in witnessing the healing process, in feeling the pain, in watching it dissipate and morph into something different. I've learned that some pains never fully go away, but that I am strong enough to live with them anyway and still have joy in my life.

The second part is that people who do things like your perp NEVER live lives filled with joy. People who perpetrate crime or abuse against other people are projecting what is inside of their souls out onto the world. They do not go on to live great lives. They do not get to be happy. They may be clever enough to put up a facade of happiness for the world to see (clever narcissist?) but they are some of the most miserable people in the world. That might not be soothing right now, but I think time will tell.

I have had contact with three severely disordered people who harmed me and my loved ones in very horrible ways. Immediately following, it seemed as though they got away with it. Eight to ten years later, their facade has fallen and they are doing very poorly.

If I am being honest, there are still times when their actions shoot through my brain and I get very fired up. But then I have to let it go. I want to be happy. I look at my life, see my children, see my beautiful house, see my GENUINE happiness, and I know that it was good for me to do real healing work and to not allow their very real poison from harming me.

 

[Maisie]

There is someone in my family (by marriage) who has done terrible things. I have spent years being angry at him for what he did. The problem is that I ended up thoroughly miserable while he was quite happy. That is upside down to me. I shouldn't be the one suffering. So I had to move on and put it out of my mind as much as possible. I don't want to waste any of my time thinking about him. Easier said than done. Some days are worse than others. But i'm getting there. He will never be brought to justice while the victim refuses to speak to the police. I can't spend the rest of my life hating him. That takes the joy out of my life.

 

[JanesJewels]

Thanks for all the detailed responses. They help, and make me feel I'm not going crazy after all - somewhat comforting to see that others have experienced a family member like mine.

Replying individually:

 

[JanesJewels]

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”


― Gautama Buddha

I know, Harper. Rationally, I know that. But this weekend is the anniversary of one of the most disgusting crimes and the perp is on a city break having fun, and I'm just eaten up with hatred at the unfairness and frustration of it all. Your quote is so true. I know I just have to forget about it but it's so hard to put that into practice.

 

[JanesJewels]

Hi, JJ-

I realize that phrasing the question as you did will elicit more responses than telling us what is going on. People always respond to threads in which their own opinions are asked. However, my natural inclination is to ask you for more information about what is going on with you. In my opinion, there is no one answer to this question. If someone asked this of me in person, I would want to know why the person was asking.

Deb/AGBF

Thanks, Deb. Well, like Momhappy, it's not something I can share on a public forum, but I can tell you that the perp is actually celebrating this weekend, the anniversary weekend of the crime - I guess celebrating that they are free and got away with it, despite the fact that their victim is sitting alone in their house alone and feeling like crap. Photos of glasses of champagne on Facebook, the works. I am burning with so much hatred, and you wouldn't believe the things I am wishing on this person. I guess I just have no idea how to let go the unfairness of it all. But I'm enjoying watching Blue Bloods with Detective Danny Reagan beating up the perps. I would love this perp to have five minutes in the box with him.

 

[momhappy]

Is this person still a part of your life? I ask because you mentioned that you saw them on FB. Can you cut them out of your life entirely so that you don't have to see them/hear about them any more?

 

[JanesJewels]

I agree with Deb in that I would need details to be able to answer this question to the best of my ability. Speaking in general terms would be challenging and probably inaccurate as it depends on the people involved and the crime that was committed and the damage that was done as well as the intent on the part of the criminal.

I am sorry you are dealing with something so aggravating and perhaps life altering and I am sending peaceful thoughts and good vibes your way.

Thank you so much, Missy. That's very nice of you. I mean, I don't have to have this person isn't in my life - we are connected only by a thin thread - but I love the remaining victim (the other is dead now) and he is so alone this weekend while the perp parties. I am finding that very hard to deal with. Yes, all I have to do is put the burden down and go on with my life, doing everything I can for the victim and taking no notice at all of the perpetrator, but it is so much easier said than done.

I am related to the perp, known them my whole life, and every choice I've ever made basically shouts that I am so much a better person than the perp, that I care about others and do whatever I can for them, while the perp has lived a life of utter selfishness before they actually turned criminal. I should just allow the knowledge that I'm about a million times more kind and caring than them be my satisfaction, shouldn't I? (And that isn't an empty claim - I have a long record of time and material costs spent giving to to others, partly to make up for the perpetrator's crimes.)

So that should be my satisfaction, but this particular weekend, I am finding that very difficult.

Perhaps I'll put my energy into giving the house a really good clean. Lord knows it needs it. Instead, I'm sitting here brooding about the sheer unfairness of it all. The situation really is an exercise in frustration.

 

[JanesJewels]

Is this person still a part of your life? I ask because you mentioned that you saw them on FB. Can you cut them out of your life entirely so that you don't have to see them/hear about them any more?

Thanks Momhappy. The difficulty is that the perp has children I'm related to, somewhat young ones (preteen) and I'm fond of them. None of this is their fault, after all. On FB the perp's status updates are blocked but I made the mistake of looking at their page. I won't do that again. And yes, I'm thinking of withdrawing just about completely, because it's just too painful otherwise. For the first time ever this year, I didn't call the children on their birthdays, which were recently.

 

[JanesJewels]

Jane,
Sending you big hugs. I don't know what you are going through but it must be awful.

Regarding your question, it would depend on the specifics. For "small stuff" I just sort of shake my head and hope justice is done before the person escalates. For something big? I don't know. I'm still working on that. The best I've been able to manage is that the best thing is to go on and be successful in my life despite them. Pick something that makes a positive difference in the world and embrace it. That doesn't make it go away. I don't know if anything really does. Again, the details make a big difference too. It is a lot easier to work at setting aside hatred and moving on with life if it was "just" something "small" than for something irreversible and life changing like causing death or permanent injury (even "just" mental).

Oh... You asked about what if it is a person in your family. I've had plenty of really nasty family members. At the end of the day, I am still in contact with some who did "small" stuff but chose to end contact with those who did things I just couldn't get past.

I hope you'll share what you are comfortable with. Talking can really help.

Yup, absolutely. I know this is right. That is really good advice. I know that's what I have to do, but it's just hard when justice hasn't been served and you know one of the victims is still suffering. I have to say, I'm somewhat comforted to hear that I'm not the only one with nasty family members. You know what also makes it worse? The remaining victim is elderly and alone. Yup, they actually picked on a defenseless old man. Injustice is something I find very hard to cope with and I would do almost anything to see justice done, so I'm finding the fact that we live in an unjust world very hard to deal with, especially this weekend. It's really opening my eyes as to why people become lawyers and police.

 

[momhappy]

^As unfortunate as it may be to end all relationships/contact (with the children), you should do what you need to do in order to better your life and move on. Yes, it's not the children's fault, but if that's your only tie to the toxic family member, then I would do exactly as you are doing and end the relationships entirely. It's normal to feel hatred for someone, but it's not healthy to stew over it. Choose to move forward, JanesJewels

 

[JanesJewels]

Ahem. I realise that probably most people have never been in this situation.

To re-phrase, in your life when you have seen someone do something terribly wrong and they get away with it and continue on their merry way....how do you deal with that?

It's a choice. You can choose to move on (which doesn't necessarily mean to forgive and forget) or you can let it consume you. My personal experience (which is related to a family member, but not something that I care to share on a public forum) taught me that retaining anger/hatred was only hurtful to myself and therefore, not worth the effort because it would have been detrimental to my success in life. The events that occurred will always be a part of my life (and a part of who I am), but they do not define my life (or the choices that I make) because I choose to move forward.

Yes, that's all excellent advice. I know that's what I have to do, and most of the time, I do it. But right now it's hard. I guess I'm also looking for the "how to." How do you put a terrible person behind you, exactly? Every time you think of them, you just try very hard to think of something else? You never call them, or tell them anything that's going on with you? Maybe you make a list of all the ways their life isn't so great even though they're very good at their own shiny-life PR - a bit of cognitive therapy exercise. Any other practical ways that you forget about someone bad in your life, I'd love to hear them.

 

[JanesJewels]

^As unfortunate as it may be to end all relationships/contact (with the children), you should do what you need to do in order to better your life and move on. Yes, it's not the children's fault, but if that's your only tie to the toxic family member, then I would do exactly as you are doing and end the relationships entirely. It's normal to feel hatred for someone, but it's not healthy to stew over it. Choose to move forward, JanesJewels

Well, yes, that's what I'm thinking, Momhappy. It was quite a significant departure for me not to call the children on their birthdays. I'm planning to visit the victim's hometown at some point, which is near the perp, and I think I'm going to go when they're away so there's no question of seeing them. Edit: For the first time also, I didn't send the children birthday cards. I bought them, but didn't send them. I got them presents though, about a month before, because it's so easy - they just want gift cards, and I think the children would be really hurt not to get a gift from me. But no birthday cards or calls this year - first time ever.

And you're right. I need to choose to move forward, even though it feels more comfortable to stew in my own juice - I suppose because I'm being in tune with my feelings. But I need to let those feelings go, otherwise I'll just cook while I'm stewing, won't I.

 

[JanesJewels]

I think it takes time, lots and lots of time. Firstly, the wound created must heal and this process requires patience. Personally, I am never patient with the healing process. I always want to be healed right now. I am slowly learning that there is wisdom in witnessing the healing process, in feeling the pain, in watching it dissipate and morph into something different. I've learned that some pains never fully go away, but that I am strong enough to live with them anyway and still have joy in my life.

The second part is that people who do things like your perp NEVER live lives filled with joy. People who perpetrate crime or abuse against other people are projecting what is inside of their souls out onto the world. They do not go on to live great lives. They do not get to be happy. They may be clever enough to put up a facade of happiness for the world to see (clever narcissist?) but they are some of the most miserable people in the world. That might not be soothing right now, but I think time will tell.

I have had contact with three severely disordered people who harmed me and my loved ones in very horrible ways. Immediately following, it seemed as though they got away with it. Eight to ten years later, their facade has fallen and they are doing very poorly.

If I am being honest, there are still times when their actions shoot through my brain and I get very fired up. But then I have to let it go. I want to be happy. I look at my life, see my children, see my beautiful house, see my GENUINE happiness, and I know that it was good for me to do real healing work and to not allow their very real poison from harming me.

Very good advice Housecat, - and everything you said is so very true. Outwardly the perp has everything yet is traditionally a miserable so-and-so. Always been like that. It's interesting when you look back at family photos over the years - from being very young, the perp permanently looks as if they've just sucked on a lemon, even on happy occasions, never smiling, just a blank stare.

Thanks for your honesty about how hard it is to really let go. I'm fired up at the moment, too. Perhaps that's natural from time to time when someone has been so awful.

Thank you for your description of the healing process. That makes me feel much better. Wisdom is certainly not something the perp has.

I guess what I should be aiming for is peace. To be at peace with everything that's happened, and to trust that the perp can't really be happy, and that karma will come their way. To just let go and feel the peace. That's what I'll aim for.

 

[momhappy]

Ahem. I realise that probably most people have never been in this situation.

To re-phrase, in your life when you have seen someone do something terribly wrong and they get away with it and continue on their merry way....how do you deal with that?

It's a choice. You can choose to move on (which doesn't necessarily mean to forgive and forget) or you can let it consume you. My personal experience (which is related to a family member, but not something that I care to share on a public forum) taught me that retaining anger/hatred was only hurtful to myself and therefore, not worth the effort because it would have been detrimental to my success in life. The events that occurred will always be a part of my life (and a part of who I am), but they do not define my life (or the choices that I make) because I choose to move forward.

Yes, that's all excellent advice. I know that's what I have to do, and most of the time, I do it. But right now it's hard. I guess I'm also looking for the "how to." How do you put a terrible person behind you, exactly? Every time you think of them, you just try very hard to think of something else? You never call them, or tell them anything that's going on with you? Maybe you make a list of all the ways their life isn't so great even though they're very good at their own shiny-life PR - a bit of cognitive therapy exercise. Any other practical ways that you forget about someone bad in your life, I'd love to hear them.

I guess that I don't have any specifics about moving except to say that you do just that. You move forward. You focus on your life and the good in it. You don't focus on the negativity, the past, the bad people, etc.
I actually have somewhat of a relationship with the toxic family member, but it was my choice and I control it. That was part of the "moving on" process for me. I can still know in my heart that what they did was wrong (and I will never understand it, nor will I ever fully forgive them), but I also know that this person is a significant part of my life in some ways and to not have any relationship at all, would likely take more effort on my part. We speak by phone maybe once every few months - I expect nothing more and nothing less. I don't focus on what's going on in their life - I focus on my own life and my own happiness.

 

[JanesJewels]

There is someone in my family (by marriage) who has done terrible things. I have spent years being angry at him for what he did. The problem is that I ended up thoroughly miserable while he was quite happy. That is upside down to me. I shouldn't be the one suffering. So I had to move on and put it out of my mind as much as possible. I don't want to waste any of my time thinking about him. Easier said than done. Some days are worse than others. But i'm getting there. He will never be brought to justice while the victim refuses to speak to the police. I can't spend the rest of my life hating him. That takes the joy out of my life.

Hi Maisie, thanks for your response. So you have some small inkling of what it means to have a family member do terrible things. I also had a family member by marriage abuse his family (not the perp I've been talking about) and the adult children are still living with the fallout. One of the adult children has severe mental problems due to his treatment. Basically his parents wanted a girl and when he turned out to be a boy, they were so nasty to him. Then they did have a girl, who was just treated as the golden child - it was sickening. Anyway, that relative by marriage is dead now but the reverberations continue in the choices the abused adult children make. On the side, the relative by marriage was nasty to the golden girl too, with the result that her lack of self-esteem led her to marry an abuser. Their young daughter watches and learns. And so the cycle goes on down the generations.

But anyway, you are so right about these issues taking the joy away from our own lives, and that putting down this burden is easier said than done. I can relate to everything you're saying. I also agree that it must be done, otherwise you just end up destroying yourself. I just wish I knew how to. Maybe you just have to choose that you won't feel that way, as people have been saying. Can you really just direct your feelings like that? I'll try. Feelings seem to have a mind of their own, but perhaps they don't have to.

 

[JanesJewels]

Ahem. I realise that probably most people have never been in this situation.

I guess that I don't have any specifics about moving except to say that you do just that. You move forward. You focus on your life and the good in it. You don't focus on the negativity, the past, the bad people, etc.
I actually have somewhat of a relationship with the toxic family member, but it was my choice and I control it. That was part of the "moving on" process for me. I can still know in my heart that what they did was wrong (and I will never understand it, nor will I ever fully forgive them), but I also know that this person is a significant part of my life in some ways and to not have any relationship at all, would likely take more effort on my part. We speak by phone maybe once every few months - I expect nothing more and nothing less. I don't focus on what's going on in their life - I focus on my own life and my own happiness.

Thanks, Momhappy. I think for me, not focusing on what's going on in their life is key. I also have a distanced relationship with this person and because of the family entanglements, like you it would be more effort on my part not to have any relationship at all. I hadn't quite framed it that way, but it's true for me and actually that makes me feel better about not cutting them off totally. Because I feel I'm being a wimp in not doing that, but we are entangled. For the moment, anyway. In future years when certain other family members are gone, there will be less reason than ever to have a relationship.

I think the less I think about this person's life and what they have relative to what they deserve to have, the better. I do believe in karma.

Interestingly, when I talk to other family members, the perp is not mentioned. It's as if they don't exist. They're actually pretty isolated within their extended family.

 

[JanesJewels]

I guess I can tell you that the perpetrator is a family member who got away with the crimes due to genuine mental health issues. The perp's family members also had these issues, although they weren't criminal, to my knowledge. But the condition is highly transmissible, and it did transmit, in the perp's case. It's hard though because lots of people have this diagnosis and don't do those things. In previous posts I've fudged some of their background/crime details in terms of age and gender just in case someone sees all this. I don't want them coming after me! It's hard to get too specific. I don't want to even name the condition. And I'm too embarrassed to even tell my own immediate family members what's going on.

 

[JanesJewels]

OK, I have made a collage of some of the most helpful lines from this thread and emailed it to myself. I am going to re-read the below, and I might print it out and carry it with me to read when I need to. It's quite powerful when taken together. It looks like this:

• Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  the best thing is to go on and be successful in my life despite them.
  
  not worth the effort because it would have been detrimental to my success in life.
  
  Pick something that makes a positive difference in the world and embrace it.
  
  People who perpetrate abuse against other people are projecting what is inside of their souls out onto the world.
  
  it was good for me to do real healing work and to not allow their very real poison from harming me.
  
  The problem is that I ended up thoroughly miserable while he was quite happy. That takes the joy out of my life.
  
  Choose to move forward
  
  I don't focus on what's going on in their life
  
  it takes time, lots and lots of time.
  
  they are some of the most miserable people in the world.
  
  I don't want to waste any of my time thinking about him.
  
  do what you need to do in order to better your life and move on.
  
  You move forward.

 

[JanesJewels]

OK. I'm going to get on with my day. Going to highlight my hair with a kit I bought recently. I will go about my business secure in the knowledge that I have never knowingly or willingly hurt anyone, and that I have done a lot for others in the past at some cost to myself. Therefore I have peace of mind.

 

[TooPatient]

OK. I'm going to get on with my day. Going to highlight my hair with a kit I bought recently. I will go about my business secure in the knowledge that I have never knowingly or willingly hurt anyone, and that I have done a lot for others in the past at some cost to myself. Therefore I have peace of mind.

Good for you!

Please try to enjoy your weekend. Take care of yourself.

If you and the elderly man are comfortable, you might even try getting in touch with him. Chat a bit over the phone or send him a card (Easter or Passover could be a great card if he does either).

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I simply remember that they are the ones who have to live with themselves everyday, not me. What they have done is on their conscience, not mine. I'm a teacher in a high needs area and though I do my best I do not let what I see consume my life.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am not a lawyer but as a therapist I have worked with perpetrators. Obviously it is a different type relationship than you are describing but I have to detach them (as a person) from their crimes. I have to find the good in them or at least the hurting. I remind myself it is not my job to judge them. I also try to imagine what they went through. Most perpetrators were once victims. It is difficult for sure but I believe in the therapeutic process. I also believe if someone is asking for help it is my job to be there fully and completely. I am a mandated reporter and if something is currently happening I report it to the appropriate agency.

In my personal life I believe resentments only hurt me. They are heavy and painful. I pray for neutrality. That takes time depending on how deep the resentment is.