Very weird massage experience

[House Cat]

Can I please have some gentle perspective?

I had a massage yesterday where the massage therapist folded down my underwear to reveal half my rear. Then he made these large figure 8 motions again and again, concentrating on my butt. It seemed that each time his hands went to the sides of my back, they would brush the sides of my (not large at all) breasts. Then he reached underneath my stomach and I literally panicked and told him about my shoulder pain and he stopped mid-motion and went to my shoulders. It seemed as though he was going rub my whole front side because he was moving upward. (I hope I am describing this correctly)

Then after my shoulders, back to my butt.

I'm sure many of you are wondering why I sat through it. I was literally frozen. I didn't know what to do. Some people fight, some run, some freeze, I do the latter. I swear if I were ever faced with a lion, I would be eaten. I have PTSD.

I came home so shaken.

Is this normal? Maybe I am overreacting because it was a man? The thing is, I've never had a female massage therapist do ANY of this.

So, that's why I am asking...have any of you experienced any of this from a massage therapist?

I dunno, maybe I'm a weirdo. I keep sitting here trying to rationalize this experience. I thought maybe if others could weigh in, it might help.

 

[Dee*Jay]

The bottom line is YOU were uncomfortable. Even if every single massause does it this way, it doesn't matter. My experience has only ever been with women masseurs (sp?) and I've never had any contact that was uncomfortable to me.

I do know what you mean though about being eaten by a lion. I once had an experience on the el in Chicago when I was about 19 that in retrospect I should have thrown a fit, but I just waited for the next stop and got off. If there had been a lion on that train, I would have been lunch.

 

[distracts]

I've had that happen at a lot of my massages at higher-end spas, but never at less expensive places. How comfortable they are with really going ALL OVER seems to depend on the particular masseuse. I only ever get women. If you are not comfortable with it, I guess just make sure to request women in the future?

eta: I will also note that the massage I got at a fancy spa in Edinburgh REALLY went all over. Not just like kind of on the butt but like really on it. It was a couple's massage with my husband, both masseuses were female, and apparently he was getting the same treatment. He was pretty freaked out by it. They also got like the sides and tops of my boobs at that one, which was kind of bizarre to me. I just blamed it on them being Scottish.

 

[Circe]

I've had massage therapists go down to the way lower back, verging on the glutes, when I've specifically mentioned lower back pain. I have not, however, had a therapist come anywhere near my bosom (and, not to get too personal/fuel the [dancing] fire), but I'm, ah, ample enough that I could see how it could accidentally happen ... they've just been conscientious about being careful). I've had male masseurs as well as female masseurs: in my experience, the men have actually been MORE careful not to verge on any personal areas. Which is kind of as it should be.

I'm really sorry what he did - which sounds quite unprofessional to me - left you shaken, and I think a lot of women would probably react just the same way you did. It's hard to tell professionals they're doing their job wrong, particularly when it's physical, and particularly given those dynamics. It's not quite the same, but I once had a (female) gynecologist get MASSIVELY pissed off at me for nervously asking her if she was going to, you know, GET SOME GLOVES. She acted like I was being irrational and hysterical and accusing her of some weird fetish. I felt guilty and defensive ... and this despite the fact that her bare hand had been on my upper thigh. Ugh. I also, back when I a teenager, had a male gyno act so inappropriately during a check-up with the smarmy, off-topic commentary about my appearance and attributes that I reported him to his practice. But while it was happening? I felt the same deer-in-the-headlights sensation you did. Sort of like, I would prefer this not get any weird-ER than it is already.

At any rate. I don't think you owe anybody an explanation/justification, and I hope you don't feel too traumatized. Do you think it might help to complain to his employer, maybe? Or to lodge a statement with whatever masseur-licensing body he may belong to?

 

[princesss]

At my last massage, I had to sign a waiver saying that I was comfortable with gluteal and pectoral massage, but it was one of those chain places that covers their butts like whoa. Did you have to fill out any paperwork before the massage? Did they talk about what you were comfortable wtih/expected?

If you plan on getting more massages, I might bring this up before it starts. Just a quick "Hey, these are the areas I'm having trouble with, I'm uncomfortable with anything in these regions, and if I leave clothing on do not touch it, move it, or massage covered areas. Thanks!" A massage should not leave you feeling uncomfortable, and I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience.

EDIT: I feel like I'm not addressing your experience enough - I'd have been shaken, too, and I think we've all had the deer-in-the-headlights moment. I don't think anybody is blaming you for not speaking up. I echo what Circe says about talking to his employer if you're comfortable with that. My second paragraph was only trying to brainstorm ways to avoid this in the future if you have another massage, not to second guess the way you behaved getting this one.

 

[iluvshinythings]

I know what you mean about the deer in the headlights thing. I had a similar experience when someone did something totally inappropriate and I just stood there in horror and let it happen. The panic didn't start until hours later!

I've had massages by males and females and I don't recall anyone ever touching my bosom or my bottom during a massage. I think that anything under your underwear should be off limits.

I'm sorry this happened to you!

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Without seeing what he actually did I can't say whether it is common or not. But you were uncomfortable, so clearly finding another massage therapist is in order!

 

[missy]

I'm so sorry you had such an uncomfortable experience! I cannot say if it is a normal massage or not as I never get them (well one time and I can't remember the details) but just wanted to add support here. Don't beat yourself up about not speaking up. I think many of us would have felt uncomfortable doing that too especially because you felt unsure if it was OK or not. I would definitely ask for a female masseuse next time no matter where you go. The only guy I feel comfortable with massaging me is my dh not that there is anything wrong with a man massaging a woman. But that would go a long way in you feeling more comfortable I think. Anyway, hugs to you and here's to finding a great new therapist!

 

[sonnyjane]

Without seeing what he actually did I can't say whether it is common or not. But you were uncomfortable, so clearly finding another massage therapist is in order!

This. Based on what you said it's not something that explicitly raises red flags, but you clearly feel uncomfortable enough that you should probably seek someone else.

I've only received a massage once and it was a deep tissue massage by an athletic trainer. Frankly it downright hurt so I chose not to get another. I just don't like strangers touching me in general (massages, pedicures, etc.) so I don't have any first-hand experience on which to base my advice, just that if you weren't happy, seek someone else.

 

[mary poppins]

I've had many massages by both females and males. Some of them have pulled my underwear down about half-way for gluteal massage (before moving on to hamstring muscles). It was quite alarming at first, but I got used to it because it really helps relieve my back back (google "gluteal muscles back pain" for explanation). The first time for me was by a woman, so I can see how it would be even more alarming if by a man and accompanied by the other actions you described.

I don''t recall a masseuse or masseur touching the sides of my breasts when hands went to the sides of my back, but I'm not well endowed in that department so it's not too much of a hazard. I could understand once or twice by accident. Each time he went to touch your back seems excessive. A massage therapist should be cognizant of making the customer feel comfortable rather than awkward or flat out freaked out.

I've never had a masseuse or masseur reach under my stomach while I was face-down. However, one man did massage my stomach while I was on my back. Only my stomach was exposed, and his action was limited to my stomach. I didn't really care for it. If it were to happen again, I'd tell the massage therapist to move on to a different part of my body that needed more attention.

Sorry to hear you felt uncomfortable about your massage. I can relate because one time a man at a reputable spa instructed me to turn over in a way that was different than my prior experiences and made me uncomfortable. I had to get into awkward positions to be sure the sheet continued to cover me; seemed he was trying to get view of my breasts. Afterwards, I realized how inappropriate and unprofessional it was. Having had good experiences at the spa before, I continued to go but made sure not to have an appointment with that guy again.

I hope you continue to get massages and have better experiences. They are wonderful. After a bad experience, you'll find it helps (and becomes easier to) set parameters or expectations before getting started, and continuing to do so as the session progresses.

 

[kgizo]

Most massages aren't like this. However, because yours was different doesn't necessarily mean anything sinister is going on. Most therapists will ask about areas to work, if your sensitive to scents/oils, pressure sensitivity, etc.; and then ask a few times throughout the massage to ensure you are comfortable. You may have just gotten a bad therapist who follows a routine regardless of an individual customer's needs. I'm sorry your experience wasn't a good one as the whole point is to leave feeling better, not worse.

ETA: I understand about freezing up in an uncomfortable situation. Assuming this therapist isn't independent you may want to call and let the owner know that you had a bad experience. Just something to think about.

 

[momhappy]

I've never had a massage therapist expose half my rear and the only time they've ever even gotten close to touching that area is if I had mentioned a specific complaint. Likewise for the breast area. Based on your description, it sort of sounds like he was pushing the boundaries to see what he could get away with. Who knows? Maybe he was even trying to offer you an invitation to a "happy ending" massage

 

[sonnyjane]

I've never had a massage therapist expose half my rear and the only time they've ever even gotten close to touching that area is if I had mentioned a specific complaint. Likewise for the breast area. Based on your description, it sort of sounds like he was pushing the boundaries to see what he could get away with. Who knows? Maybe he was even trying to offer you an invitation to a "happy ending" massage

It's VERY difficult to make that assessment having not actually been there. Such an accusation is incredibly serious and is the reason I'm trying to give the masseuse the benefit of the doubt and simply suggesting the OP go elsewhere if not satisfied with her experience.

 

[ksinger]

Some massage schools do teach both - massaging the gluteal area and the chest, so assuming that this therapist was trying to get away with something, is not the first place I would go. I personally think that a school that teaches chest massage is a bit off base and requiring more trust of people than they should have to offer up, but it's not necessarily a sexual thing.

Now, a therapist that slavishly adheres to what he/she learned in school, and that lacks the sensitivity to pretty much figure out what you're comfortable with, even without asking, is not exactly my cup of tea either. He or she should, prior to the massage, tell you to feel free to leave on any clothing items you wish, and take a big clue from that, and then err on the side of caution when approaching those areas, with the chest area being much more fraught than the gluteals, if for no other reason that most people carry some SERIOUS tension that they are not even aware of, in the gluteal muscles. They are so hugely tied into the connective tissues of the lower back , that to ignore them is to risk giving a poor massage. In any case, a really good therapist will be able to feel if you're "freezing up" or relaxing and should quit those moves that increase tension.

I don't go for massages very often anymore - I have fibromyalgia and almost can't tolerate them, which is sad because I used to love them. However, when I do, I am VERY direct in why I'm there, what I require, and what I can't and won't tolerate - there are a whole bunch of places I can't be touched anymore, and I'm just fine letting a therapist know that.

I wouldn't consider any accusations or anything, but since you were so uncomfortable, I highly suggest you try another therapist. Going back to this guy is out of the question I would think. I confess I prefer female therapists in general, but still, the best massage I ever had was by a man. I would have begged him to come home with me, or give me a DNA sample so I could clone him, if I had thought it would work. Amazing guy, originally from New Jersey - not at all what you'd expect in a spa in New Mexico, but he was a god, IMO.

PS - I went to a massage school for a bit before my own back permanently blew out and ruined that for me, and the guy I had the stellar massage from was one of the master therapists at The Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe. Highly recommend that spa if you're ever in Santa Fe...

 

[kenny]

This is a stumper because nobody but the MT can be certain if he was having a sexual experience or not, or if this is just a proper massage per his training.
Your feelings, concerns and suspicions are certainly valid, but there is just no way to be certain of his intensions.
I will say I'm very surprised to hear he did this, but I've never had a massage so don't know what to expect.

I'd definitely not return to him, and voice your boundaries to the next MT before the message.

BTW are there names for the various kinds of massages that might tip us off about how 'far' they go?
Swedish, deep tissue, full-body etc.???

 

[NakedFinger]

Sorry you felt uncomfortable....but if it does make you feel better, it sounds pretty normal (having not actually witnessed it).

I go for a full body either swedish or deep tissue massage once a month at a high end spa, so you could say I've had quite a few massages done in my day I actually have lower back/hip pain from a car accident, and since I cant work out at all, my muscles around my hip and butt on that side get very tight. First time I ever went to this spa, I indicated what my problem areas were, and they asked me if I was ok with a glute massage and I said sure. I am not a bashful person by any means, and don't leave my underwear on during a massage anyway. The massage therapist really got in there, all up on my butt cheek, haha. But it helps immensely and I feel better after it. I will say though, that I have only ever used a woman for that reason, because I feel more comfortable with a woman doing it (not to say a woman couldnt get off looking at me naked either, but you know what I mean )

Every masseuse is different.. Whenever I am on vacation, or have gone to a different spa with someone, my massage is different. Some will massage my butt when I tell them about my pain, some wont. I've had some do a chest massage, some haven't (and I mean like below collar bone, not actual breasts, never had anyone do that). I've only had one person massage my stomach which I didnt like and just told them they could skip that. Every masseuse has their own way of doing a massage and their routine. However, I will say most are skilled in reading body language. If you tense up when they touch a certain area, without even saying anything, they can tell you are uncomfortable and will ask if its ok. They're always asking if the pressure is ok, if I am ok, etc.

Maybe this guy just wasn't that perceptive or professional, and I am sorry you had a bad experience, but I would say it doesn't sound like he was doing anything to intentionally be shady.

 

[gemtastic]

I now only exclusively book massages with women for this very reason. Had a similar experience with a male masseuse and was SUPER uncomfortable.....never had a female up near my girls or working my backside like he did. And I always SPECIFICALLY say that my shoulders need all the work.....so why go to the lower back/buttocks? Ladies all the way from now on.

 

[iheartscience]

Maybe I'm a weirdo but I kind of love when they massage my butt! I've had them move my underwear to the side, rub one side of my butt, and then do the same for the other side. I haven't had any accidental breast touching but I could see how that could happen. (I have totally accidentally flashed a male masseuse when turning over, but he pretended like he didn't see anything.)

Regardless, I'm sorry you were so uncomfortable. I wasn't there so can't say if it was inappropriate or not, but if it makes you feel any better it sounds within the bounds of a normal massage to me. That's not to discount your discomfort though-sometimes you just need to trust your gut.

 

[natascha]

I live in Sweden and but have also gotten massages in several European countries, hamam's in Turkey, China, Thailand and Cambodia. Every single time they have pulled my panties down a bit (and I wear the low rise stuff so essentially uncovering part of my butt). The times were they have covered me entirely in towels and are working the lower part of my body they uncover the but as well.Lower back is always included and often quite thoroughly since I get a lot of tension there, they sometimes do the entire glutes. I actually got a bit miffed last time since they didnt do the upper part of my pecs (I have big boobs so they kinda haft to push them away).

The only time where I felt it was weird was during an oil massage where she literally played with my breasts for 10 min, had a hard time not laughing.

The point is nobody can say if your experience was sexual or not, the main issue is that you were uncomfortable so should not go back. Next time make sure to clarify what you are comfortable with.

 

[partgypsy]

I only had one professional massage (a gift from friends), and it was awesome. It was a woman, and we talked both before and during the massage. My glutes and upper thighs were massaged (and it was great because I walk a lot and was holding a lot of tension there). Not only did I not mind, the entire experience was so relieving it was incredible.

But before doing it she would always ask if it was OK first. So I think that what was so off putting in part what this massage therapist was doing, that he was going in areas that really not everyone is comfortable with, didn't ask for permission, and then went back there after you expressed discomfort.

I had 2 friends that went to the same male therapist. He did good massages, but also had them get in weird positions to do stuff. He never seemed aroused but he was so off key about what the clients were comfortable/uncomfortable they stopped going to him.

 

[House Cat]

Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread.

I feel a lot better as far as what actually occurred during the massage. After hearing the varying degrees of what is normal on the massage table, I think that this massage was probably pretty normal.

But it was uncomfortable for me and that is important. I won't ever have a male masseuse and I will be extremely clear about my boundaries and about what I can handle.

Thanks to those understood the fact that I freeze in those circumstances and thank you even more for sharing your own experiences. It made me feel less alone. Your kindness and empathy is truly remarkable. I have been judged harshly in the past for this response. As I have gotten older (and with therapy) I understand it more, but it is really nice to have come to a place where others understand and accept it too. This is why I love Pricescope so much. <3

I think I will hold off on the massages for a while and stick to facials! I find them more relaxing anyway.

 

[HollyS]

I get massages fairly often. I would never go to a therapist of the opposite sex; I would find it embarrassing at best and . . . quite embarrassing at worst.

He either did not know what he was doing, or he did. Either way, I would have stopped the session and asked to see the manager.

 

[ForteKitty]

My therapist does work on my butt, but she always asks if it's okay first. Same with the pectoral areas. He should have asked if it was okay first.

 

[Deia]

I had a massage at a place my sister goes to in Chinatown (in NYC) and umm...she took my underwear off without asking me... that wasn't awkward for me...AT ALL She didn't seem like she was trying anything indecent but sheesh she could have warned me, or asked.

 

[momhappy]

I've never had a massage therapist expose half my rear and the only time they've ever even gotten close to touching that area is if I had mentioned a specific complaint. Likewise for the breast area. Based on your description, it sort of sounds like he was pushing the boundaries to see what he could get away with. Who knows? Maybe he was even trying to offer you an invitation to a "happy ending" massage

It's VERY difficult to make that assessment having not actually been there. Such an accusation is incredibly serious and is the reason I'm trying to give the masseuse the benefit of the doubt and simply suggesting the OP go elsewhere if not satisfied with her experience.

Incredibly serious? Um, the "happy ending" part was a joke and my assessment is not unlike everyone else's - simply an assessment based on my own experiences. Clearly, none of us could actually know what the massage therapist was doing in that moment except the massage therapist himself. And I don't really find this topic to be incredibly serious. Sure, it sounds like it was uncomfortable for her, and that sucks, but thank goodness nothing horrible happened and she can choose to make different choices in the future in regards to her massage therapists. I don't feel comfortable going to male massage therapists in general, which is why I only book appointments with females.

 

[Circe]

Whereas I sort of feel like the OP is the one who deserves the benefit of the doubt. The masseuse may or may not have been acting deliberately creepy, but it's the effect that matters, not the motivation. He could do with adopting some of the guidelines for pre-massage verbal agreement posters here have mentioned. I just don't see a downside to telling his employer why you'll be going to someone else - call it constructive feedback, if nothing harsher ....