Trade-in Old Engagement Ring towards new Engagement Ring??

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Hey hey PScopers! Man I have not posted here in awhile but I have been SUPER busy between working full-time, going to grad school full-time etc. etc. So I have an interesting scenario (well it’s not MY situation but a PScope lurker who is also a good friend of mine), and I just HAD to post it on here for everyone’s opinion. To protect the innocent I will call my friend Wanda. Wanda was married six years ago and was given a $900 engagement ring at the time. A few years after she married Wanda and her husband made good money investing in the real estate market, at that time she did a MEGA upgrade (think a $25K stone) into a completely new setting (worth another $7K) with a well-known PScope vendor. This particular vendor has a trade-in policy (this becomes relevant in about two seconds). Fast-forward to the present. Wanda is divorced from her husband and is now engaged to a new guy. This new guy has a decent job but not a lot of savings, and the money they do have they want to use towards buying a house. SO, Wanda suggested trading in the stone from her first marriage to put towards a new ring. She did not want to re-set that stone b/c she said (her words not mine) it’s too large for her to wear as a right-hand ring or a pendant. Needless to say Wanda’s fiancé is against this b/c he feels as if this is her paying for part of her ring. Wanda contends that if he took out a loan to buy her a ring, once they become married it would be joint debt any way and in essence she will still be contributing some how. The fiancé’s budget allows for Wanda to get a 1-carat-ish stone in a solitaire setting vs. the almost 3 carats in a pave setting she is used to. SO…what are your thoughts on this? Personally, I think logically. I think they would get the most value from trading in the ring and using their money for other purchases versus having it set in a box or trying to re-sell it at 1/3 of it’s value but then again I’m a policy analyst and professor so emotions don’t play much into my thought process. I would LOVE to hear what you all think!

 

[Maisie]

Oooh I can see it from both sides! I understand why he wants to buy her a ring himself, but I can also see why she wants to contribute and not let the previous ring go to waste.

It will be interesting to hear how this ends. Please come back and let us know!

If she is really stuck for something to do with her previous ring I am happy to take it off her hands!

 

[neatfreak]

I think if the future fiance isn't comfortable with it, she shouldn't use her old ering towards the new one. I agree with the new future fiance that it just doesn't sit right with me, even if logically it makes sense.

And really, marriage should be about the marriage, not the rock, so if the new guy can afford a beautiful 1 ct. solitaire on his own, that's what your friend should wear happily IMO.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 12/9/2008 9:02:49 AM
Author: neatfreak

And really, marriage should be about the marriage, not the rock...

I totally agree that marriage is about marriage, not the rock... and that is why I think she should trade in the diamond!!

I personally think that the ring is a symbol of something important, and as such, all it needs to do is convey the correct message to society at large. As long as she is wearing something on that finger, then the message is communicated by the symbol (I am taken!!) and that is all that really matters regarding the engagement-ring aspect of this scenerio. (I don''t personally buy into the idea that an engagement ring should be a gift from one''s FFI to represent a promise to wed). The other side of this equation, which is very important IMHO, is that she has a 3ct rock and could have a gorgeous piece of jewelry that brings her lots of happiness. So I''d do the trade.

Her FFI should also think about this: If he buys her a 1ct diamond to wear as her engagement ring, how will be feel if she wears her much larger diamond as a RHR? Maybe he doesn''t care, but maybe that would also bother him a lot... in which case is she supposed to never wear her larger diamond again? That is silly. She should be able to wear and enjoy her large diamond as much as she likes, and it makes the most sense for it to be on the left ring finger!

Most probably don''t agree... But like you, Lady, I am a rational-minded professor!

 

[Lorelei]

Hey LLL!

Good to see you!!

 

[cbs102]

My fiance was married before so i might be a little sensitive to this subject. I would NEVER use a ring from his past for my ring of the future. when we got engaged we both agreed to leave our past behind us...including material things. i sold my rings that ex boyfriends had given me..and gave away all my tiffacy pieces. we both wanted to enter our marriage with a clean slate. so no, i don''t think that she should use her old engagement ring towards her new engagement ring. put the money away for something else.

 

[*Danielle*]

I would personally just trade it in. Their is only as much meaning as you attach to it and in reality, it is just a rock (did I say that?)

 

[mrssalvo]

First, I want to say Hi to LLL...we''ve missed you around her and it''s nice to see you back!!

as for your friend, I''d vote to try and trade it. they will lose too much money trying to sell it and after they are married what is her''s becomes theirs so he''ll be losing the money too. i can understand him not wanting her to use the same ring or stone but wouldn''t see why he couldn''t use his $ to upgrade it or change to a different stone/new setting. I''ve also been married almost 10 years and just don''t get hung up on the symbol''s anymore. I wouldn''t have wanted a previously owned e-ring when I first got engaged but I''d take one now if it meant a much larger stone...etc. time just changes your outlook on things.

 

[purrfectpear]

Cliff notes? Sounds like Wanda doesn''t want to settle for another $900 ring does she?

I would suggest that Wanda needs to resolve this with her FI, not a bunch of internet opinions.

 

[neatfreak]

I think the key here is that the future fiance isn''t comfortable with it. Doesn''t that mean anything? If he was comfortable with it I would say go for it. But his feelings should matter in this...

He probably feels inadequate because he can''t afford to buy her such a big stone.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 12/9/2008 10:53:12 AM
Author: neatfreak
I think the key here is that the future fiance isn''t comfortable with it. Doesn''t that mean anything? If he was comfortable with it I would say go for it. But his feelings should matter in this...

He probably feels inadequate because he can''t afford to buy her such a big stone.

yeah i agree with you, i think that Future Fiance''s feelings ARE the most important... the ex bought her a huge ring..he obviously cannot...he feels weird- end of story. sell the ring and put the money towards something else.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 12/9/2008 11:03:11 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 12/9/2008 10:53:12 AM
Author: neatfreak
I think the key here is that the future fiance isn''t comfortable with it. Doesn''t that mean anything? If he was comfortable with it I would say go for it. But his feelings should matter in this...

He probably feels inadequate because he can''t afford to buy her such a big stone.

yeah i agree with you, i think that Future Fiance''s feelings ARE the most important... the ex bought her a huge ring..he obviously cannot...he feels weird- end of story. sell the ring and put the money towards something else.

Completely agree. It''s important to him that he get her something on his own, I think that should be respected. It is, afterall, his gift to her. There is no reason, however, that she can''t trade the ring in on her own and get something that she would love for herself.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/9/2008 11:05:59 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 12/9/2008 11:03:11 AM

Author: cbs102

Date: 12/9/2008 10:53:12 AM

Author: neatfreak

I think the key here is that the future fiance isn''t comfortable with it. Doesn''t that mean anything? If he was comfortable with it I would say go for it. But his feelings should matter in this...


He probably feels inadequate because he can''t afford to buy her such a big stone.

yeah i agree with you, i think that Future Fiance''s feelings ARE the most important... the ex bought her a huge ring..he obviously cannot...he feels weird- end of story. sell the ring and put the money towards something else.

Completely agree. It''s important to him that he get her something on his own, I think that should be respected. It is, afterall, his gift to her. There is no reason, however, that she can''t trade the ring in on her own and get something that she would love for herself.

Most vendors allow trade in''s as long as you spend more $, not just on 1 bigger stone. So she could get some delicious earrings and a pendant or something like that...

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/9/2008 11:05:59 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 12/9/2008 11:03:11 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 12/9/2008 10:53:12 AM
Author: neatfreak
I think the key here is that the future fiance isn''t comfortable with it. Doesn''t that mean anything? If he was comfortable with it I would say go for it. But his feelings should matter in this...

He probably feels inadequate because he can''t afford to buy her such a big stone.

yeah i agree with you, i think that Future Fiance''s feelings ARE the most important... the ex bought her a huge ring..he obviously cannot...he feels weird- end of story. sell the ring and put the money towards something else.

Completely agree. It''s important to him that he get her something on his own, I think that should be respected. It is, afterall, his gift to her. There is no reason, however, that she can''t trade the ring in on her own and get something that she would love for herself.

I agree with NEL. If her FF was OK with trading it in toward the e-ring he gives her, then fine, that would be a great plan. BUT, if FF is bothered by this (and it sounds like he is), then it''s NOT such a great plan. It sounds like he wants to buy her a ring BY HIMSELF with no financial input from her, which is understandable. I think she should respect his wishes. But, I can definitely understand why she wouldn''t want her old e-ring (and all the emotions attached to it) laying around the house. So, if I were her, I would trade it in on something really nice as a gift to myself. Maybe she could get herself a great pair of diamond studs, a tennis bracelet, or a really nice watch? Oh, I wish I could go shopping with her!!! LOL!

And hi, LLL! It''s nice to see ya again!

 

[geckodani]

Hmmm. I can see both sides too.

I'm also hold the opinion that the ring is just a symbol, and trading in the old symbol to create something new makes sense to me. The old ring would be gone, and money would be saved.

I melted down all my old jewelry from my ex when my husband and I got married. And put the money towards my ering reset, LOL.

In my mind, taking the old ring and trading it in for the new is smart, and sort of the ultimate expression of the ending of the previous marriage.

Her old ring, the symbol of her old marriage, would be gone, and the money, much like her experiences in life, put towards her new marriage, and the symbol of it.



Wow, that was convoluted. Here's the cliff notes: Trade in the old ring. Means the old marriage is totally gone. Use the money towards the new one, to help new marriage start on better financial footing.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/9/2008 11:32:09 AM
Author: neatfreak


Most vendors allow trade in''s as long as you spend more $, not just on 1 bigger stone. So she could get some delicious earrings and a pendant or something like that...

2nd. It''d be most appropriate in Wanda''s situation to trade the stone in for a pendant and earrings. If my FI wasn''t supportive of trading my original stone in for another eng. stone, I''d never consider doing so!

If their savings will go toward a house, the only way they can buy a ring is by going into debt and he doesn''t want to trade in other diamond, why not just buy a less expensive diamond band for now and then save up for a stone later on? Maybe your friend who lurks should take a break from PS and look at priorities!

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Hey Hey my old Pscope compadres

Sorry I did a hit and run earlier

I will definitely be contributing more in the future. However like I said before. I never NEVER stopped looking at all the bling

.

I knew this topic would illicit strong responses from both sides of the fence. I, like all of you, can truly see both sides of the argument. And, ‘no’ I do not discount his feelings at all! Because the mere fact that he has these feelings is what is creating the issue. BUT, regardless of how superficial it seems obviously Wanda also has in her mind a certain type of ring that she wants and she knows her fiancé can’t afford it. So one can not discount her wants as well, particularly when there is a way for her to get what she wants. I think, unfortunately, at this point there is no “ideal” situation. Either way someone will have hurt feelings. We all know that in re-sale they will NOT get the true value of the ring and she has already stated to me she does not want to use it for something else because she just has no need or want for anything other than what she currently owns. But even if her fiancé changes his mind and says ‘yes’, at this point I am sure there will be hard feelings on his part. Same thing for her if he gets her the most beautiful 1-carat he can afford in a classic solitaire setting, but every time she looks at her 3-carats I am sure there will be some issues there too. I don’t know what the right answer is. My fear is that he will now try to take out a loan to purchase something for her to ‘compete’ with her existing ring, they will marry, and then carry that debt into their marriage unnecessairily.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/9/2008 12:26:06 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury

Hey Hey my old Pscope compadres

Sorry I did a hit and run earlier

I will definitely be contributing more in the future. However like I said before. I never NEVER stopped looking at all the bling

.

We did MISS YOU, so good to see you back!!!

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

MC! I most certainly canNOT tell her to stop lurking in PScope!

I mean...what kind of friend would I be?!?!

lol j/k........or am i?

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Thank you Lorelei it''s great to be back

UGH has it been three years already? Am I due for another upgrade

? NOOOO, that''s why I have to stay off of here!

 

[decodelighted]

I think she should "sell" the concept a little differently to her new fella. The ring is her asset. She kept it in the divorce. They are joining assets so, whether he likes it or not the ring will soon in the household asset mix. Wouldn''t it be better if it wasn''t? Trading in the ring is a way of GETTING RID OF THAT BAD MOJO and replacing it with something new & fresh & THEIRS. BOTH of theirs. A symbol of their NEW household & future union.

Selling it outright rather than trading it wouldn''t solve his current "problem" with the idea... you''re just taking a much bigger (& silly IMHO) opinion financial hit on it FOR NO GOOD REASON. If they $$ would help finance the new bling how is that any different than the trade in? (Except less $$/value).

 

[Kaleigh]

Hi LLL,
So nice to see you!!! I see both sides. But ultimately believe she has to value her Fiance''s feelings. I think it''s a shame she can''t trade in her stone for a new one, but he''s not willing to go that route. Bummer.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 12/9/2008 12:40:03 PM
Author: decodelighted
I think she should ''sell'' the concept a little differently to her new fella. The ring is her asset. She kept it in the divorce. They are joining assets so, whether he likes it or not the ring will soon in the household asset mix. Wouldn''t it be better if it wasn''t? Trading in the ring is a way of GETTING RID OF THAT BAD MOJO and replacing it with something new & fresh & THEIRS. BOTH of theirs. A symbol of their NEW household & future union.

Selling it outright rather than trading it wouldn''t solve his current ''problem'' with the idea... you''re just taking a much bigger (& silly IMHO) opinion financial hit on it FOR NO GOOD REASON. If they $$ would help finance the new bling how is that any different than the trade in? (Except less $$/value).

That''s the concept I was trying to convey in my convoluted way, LOL. Thank you Deco. You''re much more succinct.

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

decodelighted that is the way I looked at it but she tells me he keeps reiterating the fact that he likens it to her paying for her own engagement ring. I can''t say that I don''t see how he would perceive it as such (being a man and all)...lol I didn''t just say that. But you know what? Yea I did! Bottom line to me is that this is a perfect case of male ego at it''s finest! Forget what makes sense and is rational! Bottom line (in my mind) is that he feels emasculated by the fact that (in HIS mind) his fiance had to contribute towards her engagement ring because he can''t afford to get her what she wants. That is what it really boils down to. But I, nor her, perceives it this way. To me I think, how best to get the value of this asset and it is certainly not by selling it and taking a 75% hit or leaving it sitting in a jewelry box until she dies. But hey, it''s not my relationship I don''t know what to tell her.

 

[Steel]

Hi there LLL, Good to ''see'' you.

I hope you don''t mind but I lust after your e-ring set ALL the time, it is my mostest favouritest yg set ever. Truly inspirational.

Moving to the question - it is a bit of a gnarly issue. If it were me I would be ''unhappy'' with a lesser diamond when the practicality of it is that there is no need for me to have a lesser size or quality stone when the old one is sitting around doing nothing. Short of the diamond going missing this ''problem'' is not going to go away so they are best to deal with it now.

I would ask my FI to be to get me a wonderful eternity band as an alternative e-ring and a new wedding band for the ceremony. I would wear the eternity as an e-ring proudly from my new (to be) fiance. I would send the diamond back and upgrade it somehow, just to change the physical stone, re set it and wear as a RHR. If anybody asked was that my e-ring I would say no, my eternity is my e-ring from my wonderful (new) FI and that was a ring I bought for myself.

(But being honest, after the dust settled I would probably stack the larger stone with my wedding set to change it up - unless it upset FI/DH to be)

What do you think? Seems to satisfy all parties.

CLIFF NOTES VERSION: change setting/upgrade orig stone, wear as RHR. Get wonderful eternity band as e-ring. Wear proudly.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/9/2008 12:53:02 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury
decodelighted that is the way I looked at it but she tells me he keeps reiterating the fact that he likens it to her paying for her own engagement ring. I can''t say that I don''t see how he would perceive it as such (being a man and all)...lol I didn''t just say that. But you know what? Yea I did! Bottom line to me is that this is a perfect case of male ego at it''s finest! Forget what makes sense and is rational! Bottom line (in my mind) is that he feels emasculated by the fact that (in HIS mind) his fiance had to contribute towards her engagement ring because he can''t afford to get her what she wants. That is what it really boils down to. But I, nor her, perceives it this way. To me I think, how best to get the value of this asset and it is certainly not by selling it and taking a 75% hit or leaving it sitting in a jewelry box until she dies. But hey, it''s not my relationship I don''t know what to tell her.

It''s a shame that he feels that way. I wonder if he realizes how many women DO contribute to the purchase of their e-ring? I did.

 

[bee*]

I agree with NF in that if it makes Fi uncomfortable then she shouldn''t trade it in for a similar diamond and let him buy her one. If he was comfortable with it, then I''d definitely trade it in.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/9/2008 11:05:59 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 12/9/2008 11:03:11 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 12/9/2008 10:53:12 AM
Author: neatfreak
I think the key here is that the future fiance isn''t comfortable with it. Doesn''t that mean anything? If he was comfortable with it I would say go for it. But his feelings should matter in this...

He probably feels inadequate because he can''t afford to buy her such a big stone.

yeah i agree with you, i think that Future Fiance''s feelings ARE the most important... the ex bought her a huge ring..he obviously cannot...he feels weird- end of story. sell the ring and put the money towards something else.

Completely agree. It''s important to him that he get her something on his own, I think that should be respected. It is, afterall, his gift to her. There is no reason, however, that she can''t trade the ring in on her own and get something that she would love for herself.

I completely agree, too. If the fiance isn''t comfortable with the trade-in, it shouldn''t happen.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 12/9/2008 12:53:02 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury
decodelighted that is the way I looked at it but she tells me he keeps reiterating the fact that he likens it to her paying for her own engagement ring. I can''t say that I don''t see how he would perceive it as such (being a man and all)...lol I didn''t just say that. But you know what? Yea I did! Bottom line to me is that this is a perfect case of male ego at it''s finest! Forget what makes sense and is rational! Bottom line (in my mind) is that he feels emasculated by the fact that (in HIS mind) his fiance had to contribute towards her engagement ring because he can''t afford to get her what she wants. That is what it really boils down to. But I, nor her, perceives it this way. To me I think, how best to get the value of this asset and it is certainly not by selling it and taking a 75% hit or leaving it sitting in a jewelry box until she dies. But hey, it''s not my relationship I don''t know what to tell her.

this is EXACTLY what i was going to say.. this guy REALLY needs to put his ego aside...
that''s all I kept thinking reading the responses.

 

[Tuckins1]

Get over it and use the old ring. Once you are married, debt is debt, so it''s all the same.