Tired of defending myself!

[Candygrl]

I get so tired of my mom nagging me about my love for diamonds She gives me grief all the time for re-setting my diamond, etc, etc. we are really close and she lives with my hubby and I so I can't really avoid it. I feel like I have to hide my love for this site and my love for jewelry, ugh. Does anyone else get grief from their loved one's about this stuff?

 

[sonnyjane]

Not about jewelry but my family is exceptionally annoying about my giving up meat. It feels like literally any meal we have together is a battle with them telling me that I'm crazy, "this phase" won't last, "fish don't count as animals", and that I should just "have a bite already".. You get the idea.

 

[kenny]

Take back the power you gave her over you.
Tell her to mind her own business.

She had 18 years to brainwash you, but now you're free.

If that doesn't work the next step is to tell her to mind her own ****ing business.
If that doesn't work the next step is to tell her to mind her own ****ING business.

She is the rude one, not you.

The most amazing thing I learn on PS never ceases to amaze me ... how damaging 'nice' families can be.
Sometimes I think it would be better to take all babies away from their parents and raise them in institutions by educated professionals.

What happens in the privacy of homes is criminal.
How we protect the sanctity and privacy of family is criminal.

 

[msop04]

Candygrl, I feel ya... My DH gets really annoyed with me when it comes to this site. He won't even allow me to say "Pricescope" -- I have to say "on the forum" or "online"... He thinks I'm obsessed with diamonds (and jewelry in general) and will literally take the laptop or my phone from me if he thinks I'm "looking at diamonds." Good thing I can get online at work...

I just have to keep my "research" on the DL, and I also try to keep diamonds out of our conversation... it has helped. He has told me I can never upgrade by diamond, but little does he know that I'm gonna work my way up to a 10mm when/if I go the solitaire route -- slowly, but surely!

Try not to let it get you down, OP!!

 

[Candygrl]

Sonnyjane- ugh that would be so annoying!

Kenny- Bahahahaha that's hilarious! I actually did the other night. I told her to mind her own business and worry about her own obsession, Ross! Lol. She still pipes up though. She's makes fun of me saying that I'm just going to re-set my ring again in a year blah blah blah. I'm almost 37 years old, I feel like I can do what the F I want. I just can't help but feel like I need to hide it sometimes though, ugh.

 

[Candygrl]

Msop04 oh no! Luckily hubby actually puts up with it. He does get annoyed with me talking about it ALL the time, but he will actually humor me from time to time . I would go nuts if hubs didn't support me lol.

 

[VRBeauty]

My parents always shopped sales when I was young - my mother had a real nose for bargains and sort of taught me the joys of bargain hunting. For them, at that time, it was a necessity. I'm sure it was also shaped by living through very lean times in WWII. Those values were instilled in me, to the point that I can still remember the time I fell for and bought wonderful shirt for myself without worrying about the price or the fact that it wasn't on sale. Even later in her life my mother wouldn't tell me about a big purchase she or my she and my father made without defending it - "well your dad doesn't golf or anything, you know how expensive that can be.... We really need a new *whatever* because repairs on the old one were costing too much.... Well we never go out to the dinner or the theater or anything..." etc. etc. I always tried to tell her she didn't need to defend her purchases to me... but still that defensiveness rubbed off on me, to the extent that I was very careful about what I shared with her. I am very grateful though that she and my father did share my love of good jewelry (I swear it's genetic) and that I did share most of my bigger purchases with her, although it helped that I buy most of my jewelry used, and could demonstrate that I'd gotten pretty good bargains.

It wasn't until after my mother's death, when I got a look at my parents' finances, that I realized why her concern about finances continued to the end - my parents' retirement portfolio was running out.

Of course you could tell your mother to F* off and mind her own business... but maybe assuring her that you have your financial bases covered and that your jewelry purchases aren't endangering them would help matters? (and no, I'm not suggesting that you open your books to her! ) BTW I've always been private about my own finances, but as my mother was declining I reassured her about my planning for my own retirement, including planning for long-term care should that need arise. It seemed to help put her mind at ease a bit.

 

[missy]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would just ignore her comments as it really is none of her business. Perhaps it's time for her to find different living arrangements if she cannot respect your privacy and mind her own business (JK). And what I would do is not add fuel to her fire. When she makes comments just ignore or deflect. Change the topic and if she persists say that is not up for discussion. You are an adult and you really don't have to take it so don't.

Sonnyjane, I had the same issue with my parents and meat when I was a teenager. It's amazing how parents always think they know what's best for you. LOL they occasionally still give me lip about the fact I won't even eat chicken or turkey and I am really old haha. Your parents never stop being your parents.

 

[movie zombie]

your house, your rules.
perhaps it is time to remind her of that?
how you spend your time and/or $ is not up for discussion.
you are no longer 10 years old.
obviously, i'm with Kenny on this.

 

[Candygrl]

Thank you everyone for making me feel better

VRBeauty thank you for sharing your story and advice

 

[baby monster]

Candygrl, just tell your mom that PS and diamonds are what's keeping your from going off the deep to spend all your money on coke and strippers . That will put it in perspective for her.

 

[kenny]

Candygrl, just tell your mom that PS and diamonds are what's keeping your from going off the deep to spend all your money on coke and strippers .

Diamonds never stopped ME.

 

[momhappy]

I'm sorry that your mom gives you a hard time and makes you feel bad She's probably doing it because she simply doesn't understand. Just try not to let her get to you and enjoy your things

 

[monarch64]

Not about jewelry but my family is exceptionally annoying about my giving up meat. It feels like literally any meal we have together is a battle with them telling me that I'm crazy, "this phase" won't last, "fish don't count as animals", and that I should just "have a bite already".. You get the idea.

My dad never says anything about my giving up meat (he knows and agrees with the reasons I did) but my mom ALWAYS makes some passy-assy comment about it or points it out to people publicly. She hasn't ever tried to persuade me to eat meat again, but the tone of her comments...she might as well be rolling her eyes. She's taken issue with what I eat all my life though. When she gets too over-the-top, I just stop talking to her about anything significant and she gets the point pretty fast. ETA: my "phase" has lasted 10 years next month!

Crazygrl, I don't advise the silent treatment at all. But I do think it's fine to just shut down any discussion when your mother starts making derogatory comments about your hobby/passion for jewelry. And you might try saying, "I got your point. I know how you feel about this fascination of mine, but though you've made your opinion very clear and I've HEARD you, this part of me is not going to change." Next time she starts making noises about it, change the subject to something neutral.

 

[msop04]

Candygrl, just tell your mom that PS and diamonds are what's keeping your from going off the deep to spend all your money on coke and strippers . That will put it in perspective for her.

HA! I'm using this logic next time!

 

[Sky56]

I get really tired of people doing that, so I use a technique that is effective. I don't bring up subjects that they don't respect my love for, and if they bring them up, I cut short the conversation by either walking away, changing the subject, or saying one neutral sentence and then dropping it. If they are not family members, I drop the people as friends.

 

[packrat]

I do what Sky does. I just don't talk about it. I don't bring it up, mention it, reference it, nothing. My mom thinks anything over $50 is too much to spend on any jewelry soooo yeah...she sees my jewelry but doesn't ask and I don't volunteer.

 

[Sky56]

That's interesting about people giving people flak for not eating meat. I haven't eaten any meat in many decades and nobody gives me trouble about it, but there are other things I've been needled about. My family loved jewelry so nobody there bothered me about my love of it. I was troubled and very ill in my early twenties and got better. I am almost 60 and there are some family members who still bring up the subject of those bad times. I don't want to hear about it, and I think it is rude for them to bring it up. It sometimes comes up in the form of underhanded compliments. Remember a while back I mentioned I lived on welfare, got food stamps and had almost died from an illness? It was in the 1970's! I later became healthy and successful. In 2010, I was at a family gathering and they brought up my old problems out of the blue three times in the course of a weekend. Then they wonder why I avoid visiting them, keeping it at the very most minimum possible. People who go out of their way to make one feel uncomfortable do not deserve much of my presence.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

"Mom, you need to stop bugging me about my diamonds. This means a lot to me because it makes me feel constantly criticized and makes me feel bad about myself. From now on, if you mention my diamonds or jewelery in a negative light I am going to simply end the conversation and change the topic." Then follow through. It will take a while, but she will eventually learn your boundaries. And you will have learned a valuable lesson is setting boundaries and teaching people how to treat you.

 

[Candygrl]

Thank you Dreamer

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Thank you Dreamer

I have a script because I went through the same thing with my mom concerning my weight. It took a while, and some repetition and some tears and fights, but she finally got the picture and we are both better off.

 

[movie zombie]

with my mother it was my cats: I told her any conversation re my cats was off the table, not open for discussion, and not appreciated. she took the unveiled "hint".

 

[monarch64]

That's interesting about people giving people flak for not eating meat. I haven't eaten any meat in many decades and nobody gives me trouble about it, but there are other things I've been needled about. My family loved jewelry so nobody there bothered me about my love of it. I was troubled and very ill in my early twenties and got better. I am almost 60 and there are some family members who still bring up the subject of those bad times. I don't want to hear about it, and I think it is rude for them to bring it up. It sometimes comes up in the form of underhanded compliments. Remember a while back I mentioned I lived on welfare, got food stamps and had almost died from an illness? It was in the 1970's! I later became healthy and successful. In 2010, I was at a family gathering and they brought up my old problems out of the blue three times in the course of a weekend. Then they wonder why I avoid visiting them, keeping it at the very most minimum possible. People who go out of their way to make one feel uncomfortable do not deserve much of my presence.

Sky56, I really enjoy reading your posts and love how relate-able they are. I don't ever make a "thing" about not eating meat--I couldn't care less what other people eat and I'm still not sure why others care so much about what's on (or NOT on) my plate. I'm glad no one gives you trouble about your choices regarding your diet. And...you've come a long way, baby! Again, always love reading what you have to say here.

 

[Gypsy]

Honey.

Here's the thing. My mom thought I read too much as a youth. She even burned a couple of my books in front of me to make a point (the point that got made was not the one she wanted).

I am 39. I was at her house. Everyone was watching the stupid TV show Wipeout. And I was bored. So I pulled out my phone with the Nook app and started reading.

She started to give me grief. To this day she criticizes my reading. 'How much do you spend on those books!"

Most parents would be thankful their kids worst habit is reading. Or jewelry.

But nope. Not mine. Not yours either. And don't get me started on the fact that I own 6 cats. She disapproves of that too.

For me its about boundaries. I have made it clear to my mom that she can keep her silence on certain issue. When she forgets, like this weekend, I simply remind her of it and keep reading. Reinforcing my point. If she had made one more comment I would have gotten up and left. She knows that.

Parents are not going to change. You are the only one that can. So you need to change how you react to her. You need to learn how to manage your boundaries with your mom better. She is never going to approve. You understand that. She SHE needs to understand is A) you are an adult and you do not need her approval or permission and B) she needs to respect you as an adult and that means she needs to hold her peace. She's allowed to express concern ONCE. Maybe TWICE about a given topic. More than that is not okay. And you need to stop tolerating it.

When I first started reinforcing things with her if she violated my boundaries I'd kiss her, and leave. Just like that. We'd be in the middle of dinner, she's criticize my decision to have 6 cats. I'd get up, kiss her, and leave. She'd comment on my reading habits when we were on our way to go shopping I'd turn around the car and drop her off at home and go shopping alone.

She got the hint quickly. My mom wants to spend time with me. I have made it clear that spending time with me is not her RIGHT. It is a privilege and for her to earn that privilege she has to respect me.

And you know what? It's worked.

 

[monarch64]

"Mom, you need to stop bugging me about my diamonds. This means a lot to me because it makes me feel constantly criticized and makes me feel bad about myself. From now on, if you mention my diamonds or jewelery in a negative light I am going to simply end the conversation and change the topic." Then follow through. It will take a while, but she will eventually learn your boundaries. And you will have learned a valuable lesson is setting boundaries and teaching people how to treat you.

Great pat response. I tried to say something similar upthread, but once again am just not as articulate as some of our wordsmiths/mavens here on PS. Dreamer, you and Circe are two posters whose words almost always resonate with me. So glad you continue to contribute to the community here!

ETA: and Gypsy (and heck, Kenny!)...I also always find your words refreshing and enlightening.

I am a real harbinger of positivity tonight...I had a stressful day with a sick child, so I guess I'm counting all my blessings and affirming where I can. Thanks for indulging me!

 

[Sky56]

Thank you, monarch64

 

[Candygrl]

Gypsy OMG burned your books I like how you handle your mom, and I really like that you still show her love before leaving if she's doing something to upset you. I love cats too. I only have 2 right now, but growing up my stepmom had 9

Great advice from everyone, thank you!

 

[mochiko42]

Burning books is just.... (speechless). I don't know what to say to that.

 

[iluvshinythings]

I really don't talk about my love of jewelry and that's why I love this forum so much.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Exactly why I share my love of jewelry with hardly anyone! Of course I lust a lot but can't afford to buy, but if I could afford it? Oof. I would never hear the end of it. When you grow up without money, spending $75 on a pair of shoes seems obscene. Spending $15,000 on a ring? Unfathomable.

I love gems. They make me happy. My saved files on the computer go: cat, gem, cat, gem, gem, gem, cat.

It makes ME happy and it is MY business. Everyone has something in their life that gives them impractical joy, and if they don't well whoop de doo.