Remember me?

[nytemist]

Hello all-

I know I haven't been on PS in a while. The new system doesn't seem to like me. I either can't log in sometimes, or can't log out!

Some may remember a while ago that I was asking if there really need to be attorneys involved when talking about separation/divorce. Finally near the end of July I had a sit-down with the husband and told him that I think this needs to end. His demeanor hasn't really changed, he's still on another planet emotionally and still never initiated a conversation about where our road is going.

He reacted completely floored, as I thought he would. He genuinely thought we were 'getting along', this was just a rought spot and things were getting better. I said to him this has been going on at least two years; this goes beyond rough spot into disinterest in being married and connecting with me. I was calm, it didn't turn into a fight since I have already gone through accepting that this is over and have mourned it. Since then, he has continued to act like all was great. We actually have been coexisting ok for the most part, simply because I'm not expecting anything from him anymore. We went to a barbecue at his sister's and her husband's place three weeks ago and his parents were asking their usual questions about when we planned on moving out of the complex. Husband went on and on, talking about how we had bounced around some ideas and were making some plans. I'm thinking how nice to lie to your parents and what wife have you been talking to?

All my plans have been shot to hell now since I got laid off two weeks ago. Being stuck in this complex everyday is making me mental. For those of you who know the general North of Boston area, the T doesn't reach that far and the commuter rail is about a mile and a half away from here- too far to walk in a town where most sections don't have sidewalks, some areas have no streetlights.

So today is his birthday. He wants to go out to dinner and make it into this fun evening, I'm sure he's expecting fun times tonight too. I just don't have it in me. The wall went up long ago and it's clear that I'm just his roommate. i can't suddenly feel romantic.

Well, that's how things stand now, hopefully I can make some need changes in the next month or so.

 

[movie zombie]

hey, there, yes, i remember you! sorry to hear that things are in limbo land. i hope you can see some light at the end of the tunnel and will work your way towards it.

MoZo

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I've been thinking about you recently, I was glad to see an update from you--I wish it were better news.

The good news is that you've obviously completely accepted that the relationship is over and recognize that there is nothing you can do about the fact that he chooses to stay in la-la land. I do have a feeling that when you actually file, he will go through the whole "I had no idea you felt this way" routine. At least you know to expect it.

I am so, so sorry to hear you were laid off. What awful timing. Do you have any leads on a new job?

As for the birthday--I don't want to sound harsh, but just because you are legally married doesn't mean you're obligated to put on a charade which only feeds into his "everything is great" mentality. I understand that he would like to celebrate, but that doesn't mean you have to.

I wish you lots of luck navigating through this--are you set on not filing until you've found a new job?

 

[jaysonsmom]

Welcome back. Although I recall some of the things that you were unhappy about in your marriage, I don't have a full understanding about your relationship, so forgive me if I'm WAY off track. To me it sounds like your husband WANTS to make things work with you, he is continuing on his merry way because HE is happy, and is I don't think his "act" in front of his family is an act.

I think he's just a low key person, who trudges through life generally just being content. He doesn't realize that you want more out of him, and that you're unhappy being "stuck in a rut". But I want to point out that it sounds to me like he's TRYING. He wants to go out and have a great time with you, whether you're in the mood or not, he's initiating "a" birthday plan.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to see the positives in this man, and try to work things out (by insisting on couples counseling) because although the grass may seem greener (getting a divorce, starting over), I think you may end up regretting your decision because there doesn't seem to be a MAJOR problem in your relationship, such as addiction, abusive behavior, infidelity...It seems to me that you don't understand each other's Love languange, and you just need an interpreter.

If you haven't already read this, I'd like to recommend a book that a lot of pre-marital counselors recommend: The 5 love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It gives a lot of insight as to why someone may feel "unloved" and neglected whereas they are not recognizing their partner's love language. At the same time, the other partner does not know how to give the love that his/her spouse needs. Once you recognize and start speaking the other's language, you'll be able to achieve a better understanding, and perhaps even fall deeper in love with that person.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Honey, life is too short to live in limbo. If you want to leave, leave. Maybe not at this moment, but as soon as you can financially. Nothing is going to change if you two are not actively working on it, so either start working with your husabnd, or pack up and move in with your life.

 

[jaysonsmom]

By the way, here's an outline if you feel the inclination to read about the book:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

 

[TravelingGal]

nytemist, I'm sorry you got laid off. And I'm sorry you're still in that marriage. Because my initial reaction to your post was:

AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I've been around since your engagement days. And have offered my 2 cents (along with many others) about your relationship. You and he are not compatible, IMHO. I'm all for working stuff out...in fact, am a proponent of it, but your husband simply is not going to work with you. He's...well, I've said in the past what I think he is.

I really hope you find a new job, and I really hope you can both start anew. You deserve happiness, and the marriage you wanted so badly has given you nothing but grief. It was a marriage that should not have happened to begin with. I am so sorry for all your heartache.

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Nytemist!

I wish things were going better for you. It sounds like you're in a better place because you've accepted that your marriage is over and you don't place any expectations on your husband. That has got to be hard, don't get me wrong, but at least you've dealt with how you feel. I can't say I'm surprised at how thing have ended up, but it's a shame that your husband still doesn't see things from your perspective at all. I think I remember what town you're in, and it's too bad that the T doesn't go that far. You guys only have one car?

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Nytemist,

I was thinking of you lately, and wondering how things were going with you. I remember your journey pre-engagement and marriage. It seems to me as though you have made your peace with the end of your marriage. It sounds as though you are going through a rough patch, but you'll get through it. In terms of jobs, I always believe that things happen for a reason. You'll find something more suited to your capabilities.

Ally

 

[onedrop]

I remember you nytemist, and I am really sorry to hear about that you were laid off and that you are still feeling stuck in your marriage. The good news is that you sound as if you have come to peace about your situation and when the timing is right you can move on. It sounds right now like the best thing for both of you would be to go your separate ways especially since your DH has not/is not pulling his weight in trying to working things out in your marriage. Hopefully the a new start can happen for you sooner rather than later. So here's hoping for a new job and the financial wherewithall to move one!

 

[dragonfly411]

Nytemist - I've been hoping to see you back. I'm sorry you are going through such a horrible time. I know that even with walls, it has to be taking it's toll emotionally on you. I think that if he is unwilling to be honest with the family, you should be at least. We're all here if you need to talk!

 

[nytemist]

We did end up going out to dinner. I did give him a card signed by his cats that he liked. After small talk, he asked was a serious about what I said, or was I just in a bad mood. I said yes, I was very serious. He said "I don't know why you want to leave; what happened"?

The fact that it seems nothing has sunk in from our countless conversations and going to therapy is incredible to me. It confirms that he hasn't been hearing me, but he swears up and down that he is.

Jaysonsmom, long story short: we had a great relationship while dating. We talked about what we planned to do, where we wanted to move to, what we wanted to save money toward. After getting married, things were good for the first year. Then when I brought up the topic of when were going to start planning ahead, all of a sudden he was "not ready" or " wasn't sure what he wanted" and 'didn't want to talk about that". Complete 180 and it began to frustrate me like you wouldn't believe. The second year of marriage was cycles of arguing followed by silent treatment, it was pretty bad. By summertime last year, I started wondering if this was the newlywed adjustment or this was the real him that he did a great job of hiding from me. We went to a therapist for two years and every detail of how I felt was put on the table. Even the therapist was getting kind of frustrated since my husband would say all the right things in session, but did nothing to back up what he said while at home. He isn't trying at all. I told him during one of our session last spring that I had reached my limit. He has known for a year that I wasn't going to chase him anymore, he needed to get himself ready to talk. He hasn't. Therer is only so much stress I can take from this; it's much better for me to just let it go emotionally and treat it as the friend/roommate situations it is.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Nytemist, clearly you've thought about it and have made your decision. Now is the time to act on it. Be the adult that he can't be and just file for divorce or move out already. Change won't happen until YOU make it happen, and staying in the same apartment is not helping you move on. Actions speak louder than words, and right now your actions, i.e., still living with him, are contradicting your words. I would probably be confused if my SO told me he didn't want to be with me anymore but made no formal effort to break up and move on. Money might be an object, and it's unfortunate that you were laid off. But people split up and start over every day through abuse, job loss, illness, etc. I know you're a strong, independent woman and I know you can do this. BUT YOU NEED TO PULL THE TRIGGER AND JUST DO IT ALREADY!

 

[Rhea]

I remember you and think about you often! I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your job. Do you have any prospects?

Can I ask you a few questions? I'm starting to feel like I'm in a similar situation from what I've read. It's like I have to push any little change and I'm tired of it. This is not what I planned. But I'm not ready to leave. I still want him to change. All the things we said we'd do, to do. I think he loves me and I think I love him. But this is not what I wanted and it's starting to change the way I feel about him. How did you/do you know when it's time to end it? What makes you so sure? I truly don't mean to pry, just struggling a bit and trying to get some insight. I feel pretty lost sometimes.

 

[TravelingGal]

I remember you and think about you often! I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your job. Do you have any prospects?

Can I ask you a few questions? I'm starting to feel like I'm in a similar situation from what I've read. It's like I have to push any little change and I'm tired of it. This is not what I planned. But I'm not ready to leave. I still want him to change. All the things we said we'd do, to do. I think he loves me and I think I love him. But this is not what I wanted and it's starting to change the way I feel about him. How did you/do you know when it's time to end it? What makes you so sure? I truly don't mean to pry, just struggling a bit and trying to get some insight. I feel pretty lost sometimes.

Addy, without knowing anything about your situation, I would say that the one phrase is telling. Wanting HIM to change is a road to frustration.

 

[zoebartlett]

Addy -- I was going to point out the same thing that TGal said but she beat me to it. You can't change another person. As tempting as it might be to try sometimes, it just doesn't work and it's not worth the effort. You'll up beating your head against a wall, and all you'll be left with is a splittng headache. Trust me.

Nytemist -- to paraphrase HH, it's tme to put some action to your words. Your husband is clearly not getting it, and he hasn't for at least a year or more. I think that by staying in your apartment, you're sending mixed signals. You say (to him) that things aren't working and you're unhappy. But then you stay. And stay. And so on...

I don't mean to sound harsh, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. I just know how hard you've worked to try to make things work between the two of you, but there's only so much YOU can do. If your husband isn't willing to put forth the effort into your relationship, it's probably time to move on.

 

[onedrop]

nytemist: I agree with Zoe and HH about acting on the fact that the relationship is over in your mind. However, given the fact that you were just laid off, are you financially in a position to move out? Or do you have friends/family you can stay with until you are on your feet again? It's easy to advise moving on immediately, but it only makes sense if you are in a position to do so.

 

[february2003bride]

I remember you and think about you often! I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your job. Do you have any prospects?

Can I ask you a few questions? I'm starting to feel like I'm in a similar situation from what I've read. It's like I have to push any little change and I'm tired of it. This is not what I planned. But I'm not ready to leave. I still want him to change. All the things we said we'd do, to do. I think he loves me and I think I love him. But this is not what I wanted and it's starting to change the way I feel about him. How did you/do you know when it's time to end it? What makes you so sure? I truly don't mean to pry, just struggling a bit and trying to get some insight. I feel pretty lost sometimes.

Addy, without knowing anything about your situation, I would say that the one phrase is telling. Wanting HIM to change is a road to frustration.

Exactly. You cannot change anyone but yourself. You can ask, yell, beg, and plead for someone to change, but unless they see that they need to and then want to, it won't happen.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

.... I still want him to change...

Addy, without knowing anything about your situation, I would say that the one phrase is telling. Wanting HIM to change is a road to frustration.

Exactly. You cannot change anyone but yourself. You can ask, yell, beg, and plead for someone to change, but unless they see that they need to and then want to, it won't happen.

I think that you can and should make it known when you expect change from your partner. Make your needs and requirements of them very clear. And then see what they do. A good responsive partner will make every effort and will change if he/she can. But you cannot *make* them change.

A very well known psychologist, John Gottman, has concluded that when you marry, you marry a set of ongoing and permanent issues These stem from fundamental conflicts in personality, and most of them will never change. You cannot "cure" your partner. Successful marriages instead involve learning to cope with your partner's peccidillos, and perhaps a little effort to improve one's own bad habits too. Like when you have lactose intolerance. You learn the ways to manage your diet and cope. But even the best methods still result is upset and pain sometimes I think it is very good advice on his part. Fundamentally, we are who we are. Marriages that last do so because partners adapt to one anothers faults and unique habits, not because people fundamentally change.

 

[decodelighted]

I do remember. Too well. I remember that you never seem to take any advice that's given & just use further posts to justify why you're going to do whatever you've already decided to do. So I'll take my own advice not to offer any. more. advice. I will offer my best wishes for getting yourself out of this insufferably long, intolerable jam despite it being seemingly entirely of your own making.


ETA: It is interesting to read your *revisionist history* of events. Anyone else is invited to read a more contemporaneous version of events in your previous posts dating back to 2005. "Great time dating"? really? Awesome first year of marriage? Not fooling the old timers here! Maybe reading back through your OWN WORDS would be a reality check.

 

[TravelingGal]

I do remember. Too well. I remember that you never seem to take any advice that's given & just use further posts to justify why you're going to do whatever you've already decided to do. So I'll take my own advice not to offer any. more. advice. I will offer my best wishes for getting yourself out of this insufferably long, intolerable jam despite it being seemingly entirely of your own making.


ETA: It is interesting to read your *revisionist history* of events. Anyone else is invited to read a more contemporaneous version of events in your previous posts dating back to 2005. "Great time dating"? really? Awesome first year of marriage? Not fooling the old timers here! Maybe reading back through your OWN WORDS would be a reality check.

Ditto Deco. I don't recall there ever being a time when anything was awesome in this relationship. I don't even need to look back on the history (I did that long ago and quoted a few things, only to be ignored again and again.) I already know that from day one (from the ring hunt, IIRC), it was drama after drama after drama after misery after drama.

 

[Gypsy]

I remember too. And Ditto T-gal and Deco. It's not that I'm not happy to see you, I AM GENUINELY, but sometimes tough love is needed. And this is definitely one of those times.

I do have a piece of advice. GET A JOB AS SOON AS YOU CAN. I was laid of four months ago and it's like being sucked in by quicksand until you can not breathe. I job hunted my tail off, and I was rewarded for it (thank you god). I hope the same happens for you. But you have TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

 

[bee*]

Yep, I remember you nyt! I'm sorry to hear about the ending of your marriage however it does seem for the best. As soon as you can, leave and get set up on your own. As far as I can remember, you always wanted to live in NY so maybe this may be the time to do it?

 

[oddoneout]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I do remember some issues that you've gone through. Your husband doesn't seem like he's going to change and you can't change him. You've already tried therapy so what else can you do? Please think about what makes you happy and work towards that. It'll be hard but I think it's the best option.

 

[LAJennifer]

Hi Nytemist. Of course I remember you and I'm sorry you are struggling right now.

He never was, or will be, the guy you want him to be. You married the wrong man. The sooner you make a clean break, the better for both of you.

Move to NY - live your dreams.

 

[monarch64]

Nytemist, leaving with nothing, just starting from scratch, would very likely be better for your emotional and mental health than sticking around waiting for another job. You've read my story, it's not exactly the same as yours, but there are similarities and I really think that you are talking yourself into settling and have done so for years. You can do this, you really can. Lots of hugs ~Monnie

 

[movie zombie]

before you try and change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself.

ultimately, we're all responsible for our decisions: he for his, OP for hers.

he has a right to be who he is, OP has a a right to be who she is. so simple in the writing, so difficult to accept in the actual practice of daily life.

the important thing is to not feel stuck: do something, no matter how small, for yourself each and every day and take a step each and every day that will get you to where you want to be in all aspects of your life. it took time to get into this situation, it will take time to get out of it. be kind to yourself, envision the life you really want......you will make the decisions that over time will take you there.


MoZo

 

[Anonymous]

I don't know you, and you don't know me...but I'll share a bit of my story. I could have written your post 8 years before my miserable 10 yr marriage finally ended. It's not going to get better at this point. You're just chasing your own tail. You've done all you could w/counseling. He doesn't want to deal with change, he's NOT going to make the divorce easy on you. My ex did all of this too. I was his roommate, living 90% of my awake hours in the office that I converted into my "home" for a year because financially I could not move out, but he knew it was over. Eventually he realized it wasn't changing, and I had moved on.

It doesn't look like you have children. The first time I left my ex, we had not had children yet. I love my daughters with every fiber of my being and would never give them up, but a divorce with children is SO much harder than one without. I will forever be stuck living near him, dealing with him on a weekly basis, etc.

So that's about all I have to add. I didn't get out until I had lost a huge chunk of my "younger" years that I can never get back. I also have had to work through so much resentment, trust issues, and anger to be able to have the healthy relationship that I have now. It's just not worth it, and you'll regret wasting your life away. There is ALWAYS a way out. If he's employed, you can request temporary support when you do your divorce paperwork.

So that's about all I have to add. Normally I don't really post on these things, but your situation hits a little too close to home to just stay silent.

 

[nytemist]

Addy, sorry I'm late to respond to you. I came to the decision over time since it seemed that nothing worked to have him really re-invest himself emotionally into this. My husband has needed a bit of a push to do some things, even when he says he wants to do it. His mom has even said this, so I knew this fact about him. But when you have someone that has shared their life with you and said they wanted to plan a life togther and actually make the effort to do so, you believe them.

Honestly, you can't get someone else to change; they HAVE to want to make improvements/changes for themselves. I thought that way for a while. Doesn't work. What you have going for you is that he loves you and seems willing to listen to you. Have that be your foundation to rebuild. The big difference between you and I is that I honestly feel my husband doesn't love me anymore. Any talking we do is totally void of any emotion on his part. This was a huge factor in my deciding to end this- once someone acts this way there is no way to have them check in again. It doesn't sound like you two are in such a dire position, so keep talking and talking and talking.

Maybe some don't think it was a good relationship at all, since I would only vent about the bad. But there was a great phase. This is someone I dated for a long time, said he wanted to make a life with me. It took a long time to earn my trust and we maried since I felt he truly meant it. He used to be very open, he shared his thoughts with me, he was very loving and it all just faded, like he just wasn't interested in doing it anymore. I personally don't feel like it's 100% my fault for believing and trusting in the person who said they loved me and wanted me in their life, but everyone has a right to their opinion.

I am trying to figure out where I can go. I'm really not in a financial place to leave yet. I can't go back to my parent's house, it's full. Both my other sisters have had to move back home for money reasons, plus both my nieces and my great-niece are there too. I have some friends that may have room for me temporarily until I can get it together.

 

[dragonfly411]

Nytemist - I'm sorry that you are struggling, but I am glad to hear you plan to leave. That is the first step in the right direction I think for you. Is there another family member perhaps that you could stay with? ((HUGS))