Nephew sends cruel msg to my daughter

[NonieMarie]

My niece is getting married in 2 weeks. It has been stressful because 2013 has been all about "her" wedding. Her other aunt and I have gone out of our way to make everything as special as possible. My daughter lives in another state and last weekend her boyfriend flew her to Ca where he is completing boot camp. He proposed and she put 1 pic on FB. His mother was there and was announcing the news on her FB account. My nephew posted a strange comment and my daughter said thank you. Well, he sent a private msg that he was being sarcastic and that she was rude and selfish because she shared the info about her engagement right before his sister's wedding. He went on and on with some truly hurtful comments. My daughter was at the airport so upset because of what he did. On FB they have no common friends only a few family members. I see nothing wrong with what she did and don't think she should have told her fiancé's family that they could not share their happy news because her cousins would get their noses out of joint. I am floored that no one in my family will tell him that he was an ass.
His sister has not acknowledged her news either. Because of this she has decided not to fly in for the wedding. She called her cousin and said that she would not be able to attend but would be sending the gift and cost of the plate. She also said that she would be looking forward to the photos and that her cousin was going to be a beautiful bride. I am happy that she is taking the high road. I am not looking forward to seeing these self centered people at the rehearsal and the wedding.

 

[amc80]

Geez, I am starting to hate weddings. What is it about weddings that make people crazy? Of course your daughter had the right to post on her fb page. What, because a relative is getting married it means nobody else in the family can have good news? Your daughter should ask your nephew what, exactly, would have been acceptable to him. Is there a blackout period around the wedding? "Oh, well you can get engaged six months before or three months after the wedding." When did a wedding become less about celebrating with friends and family and more about memememe?

I think your daughter handled it perfectly. Bravo to her.

 

[tyty333]

Are you sure the nephew isn't getting it from someone else? Most guys I know wouldn't
have a clue or wouldn't even care about this sort of thing.

I know you wouldn't announce your engagement at your cousins wedding
but I don't understand why your nephew thinks everything important should
have to wait until after your cousins wedding.

I would have a hard time staying out of it if it happen to my daughter (even though
that would probably be a mistake) .

 

[Gypsy]

I think your nephew and niece are the selfish ones. And I would darned well tell them so.

You niece gets one freaking day. She doesn't get the whole year. She doesn't get even a week. ONE DAY.

And if she is so small that her joy can be dimmed by another then frankly she is an ungrateful brat.

 

[kenny]

So, remind me, why do gays want weddings?

 

[rainwood]

I have a slightly different taken than others. If your niece's wedding is in 2 weeks, she's probably immersed full time in that process and isn't going to focus on anything else. That's just how weddings seem to go these days. So I wouldn't damn her for not having congratulated your daughter on her engagement yet. It would be nice if she had, but not a mortal sin that she hasn't. What your daughter did in announcing her engagement wasn't wrong, but the bride didn't do anything wrong either in failing to acknowledge it at this busy point in her life. So I'd give both your daughter and the bride a pass on this part.

The brother is another story. From what you've said, what he did was wrong but I'm not sure why the bride should bear the punishment unless there's some indication the brother was acting at her request. She probably has enough on her plate without getting caught up in the drama her brother created. Weddings just bring out the crazy, and sometimes it's hard to keep a lid on it.

Your daughter had the right to cancel if she felt she couldn't get over what the brother said, but I'm not sure I'd call it taking the high road. To me, the high road would have been to go to the wedding as she'd committed to do and be gracious to the bride and ignore or avoid the brother to prevent further drama. If she felt she couldn't do that, it's her choice to stay home and that's not wrong either but she shouldn't be surprised if her cancellation is badly received.

 

[Indylady]

That is incredibly frustrating, OP. I'd go to the wedding anyway though until she (your niece) actually makes a comment too.

 

[JewelFreak]

I'm glad I'm never getting married again! I don't know how to be bitchy enough to do a good modern wedding.

--- Laurie

 

[msop04]

DAMN THIS WEDDING CRAZINESS!!!

I can understand both sides... a little. I agree that it was perfectly acceptable for your daughter to post on FB -- who wouldn't want to shout it from the rooftops??!! ...especially since they don't have many friends in common. If she doesn't want to go to the wedding, that's totally up to her. If it were me, I'd go and stand tall, showing my new bling to everyone like nothing happened!

Since when does the brother of the bride give two sh**s about his sister's wedding???

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Are you sure the nephew isn't getting it from someone else? Most guys I know wouldn't
have a clue or wouldn't even care about this sort of thing.

I know you wouldn't announce your engagement at your cousins wedding
but I don't understand why your nephew thinks everything important should
have to wait until after your cousins wedding.

I would have a hard time staying out of it if it happen to my daughter (even though
that would probably be a mistake) .

How old is the nephew? I sort of agree that often guys wouldn't notice stuff like this...but, for those that do, it sure takes an unbalanced one to take it to another level and send nasty messages about it. I would wonder what sort of background comments are being said that would prompt a person to take a FB announcement to the point of harassing a person.

 

[NonieMarie]

Are you sure the nephew isn't getting it from someone else? Most guys I know wouldn't
have a clue or wouldn't even care about this sort of thing.

I know you wouldn't announce your engagement at your cousins wedding
but I don't understand why your nephew thinks everything important should
have to wait until after your cousins wedding.

I would have a hard time staying out of it if it happen to my daughter (even though
that would probably be a mistake) .

No I did not stay out of it...I could not stop myself. I told her to not respond but I did send him a msg that I thought he was purposely cruel and that his late father would have been very disappointed in him. He responded that he was sorry I felt that way. I did vent to my sister first but I got the feeling that even though she did not like what he did she was not going to address it. It was all, he just speaks his mind. Well no, when you make a point to hurt someone you are just a bully!

 

[NonieMarie]

DAMN THIS WEDDING CRAZINESS!!!

I can understand both sides... a little. I agree that it was perfectly acceptable for your daughter to post on FB -- who wouldn't want to shout it from the rooftops??!! ...especially since they don't have many friends in common. If she doesn't want to go to the wedding, that's totally up to her. If it were me, I'd go and stand tall, showing my new bling to everyone like nothing happened!

Since when does the brother of the bride give two sh**s about his sister's wedding???

She felt that if she went she would need to leave her ring at home. God forbid if anyone noticed it and asked a question. I think I am so hurt by the 2 of them because my niece did not acknowledge my engagement this year either. I started on PS looking for a ring of my own. She knew that I stopped my search and started a 3 week 24/7 online search for her ring. I did find it a Pearlman's and by the time her fiancé paid for it I was engaged and had my ring. I did not say anything and gave all the spotlight to her. I did not wear my ring at family gatherings so that she could be the star!.
After a few months I started wearing my ring. She knew I was engaged but said nothing. I told my other sister how hurt I was and said not to mention it that I just needed to vent. We were going dress shopping and my niece's mother asked to see my ring. She showed it to my niece and my niece said, "Very sparkly" and turned her head. No questions and no congrats.
In 2012 my nephew married. The whole year revolved around him and his fiancé and the plans for the wedding. My BIL was a great father but he did his kids no favor by making them feel that the world was theirs and giving them anything they wanted.

 

[rainwood]

DAMN THIS WEDDING CRAZINESS!!!

I can understand both sides... a little. I agree that it was perfectly acceptable for your daughter to post on FB -- who wouldn't want to shout it from the rooftops??!! ...especially since they don't have many friends in common. If she doesn't want to go to the wedding, that's totally up to her. If it were me, I'd go and stand tall, showing my new bling to everyone like nothing happened!

Since when does the brother of the bride give two sh**s about his sister's wedding???

She felt that if she went she would need to leave her ring at home. God forbid if anyone noticed it and asked a question. I think I am so hurt by the 2 of them because my niece did not acknowledge my engagement this year either. I started on PS looking for a ring of my own. She knew that I stopped my search and started a 3 week 24/7 online search for her ring. I did find it a Pearlman's and by the time her fiancé paid for it I was engaged and had my ring. I did not say anything and gave all the spotlight to her. I did not wear my ring at family gatherings so that she could be the star!.
After a few months I started wearing my ring. She knew I was engaged but said nothing. I told my other sister how hurt I was and said not to mention it that I just needed to vent. We were going dress shopping and my niece's mother asked to see my ring. She showed it to my niece and my niece said, "Very sparkly" and turned her head. No questions and no congrats.
In 2012 my nephew married. The whole year revolved around him and his fiancé and the plans for the wedding. My BIL was a great father but he did his kids no favor by making them feel that the world was theirs and giving them anything they wanted.

Families can be such minefields!! I'm sorry that this branch of your family tree has turned out this way, but if that's how they were raised that's probably how they're going to stay. And because you can't change them, you can only change (and by that I mean lower) your expectations of them. Otherwise, you just set yourself up for disappointment. It's unfair to have to do that, but it's often the only way to protect yourself. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to be a better person. They have to choose it for themselves and sometimes they 're not going to.

And congratulations on your engagement!!!

 

[ame]

I think your nephew and niece are the selfish ones. And I would darned well tell them so.

You niece gets one freaking day. She doesn't get the whole year. She doesn't get even a week. ONE DAY.

And if she is so small that her joy can be dimmed by another then frankly she is an ungrateful brat.

Pretty much this.

 

[makhro82]

I just got married last year and at no point did I think that the world revolved around me! My friends and family had many happy events in the weeks and months before I got married and guess what I would just congratulate them on all the happy things happening in their lives too because that's what friends and family do. When someone has a life event you congratulate them plain and simple and if you are unfit to do so, you probably shouldn't be in my life. I'm so sick and tired of this "bridezilla" mentality and when it infiltrates entire families it is even more disgusting...

 

[Gypsy]

DAMN THIS WEDDING CRAZINESS!!!

I can understand both sides... a little. I agree that it was perfectly acceptable for your daughter to post on FB -- who wouldn't want to shout it from the rooftops??!! ...especially since they don't have many friends in common. If she doesn't want to go to the wedding, that's totally up to her. If it were me, I'd go and stand tall, showing my new bling to everyone like nothing happened!

Since when does the brother of the bride give two sh**s about his sister's wedding???

She felt that if she went she would need to leave her ring at home. God forbid if anyone noticed it and asked a question. I think I am so hurt by the 2 of them because my niece did not acknowledge my engagement this year either. I started on PS looking for a ring of my own. She knew that I stopped my search and started a 3 week 24/7 online search for her ring. I did find it a Pearlman's and by the time her fiancé paid for it I was engaged and had my ring. I did not say anything and gave all the spotlight to her. I did not wear my ring at family gatherings so that she could be the star!.
After a few months I started wearing my ring. She knew I was engaged but said nothing. I told my other sister how hurt I was and said not to mention it that I just needed to vent. We were going dress shopping and my niece's mother asked to see my ring. She showed it to my niece and my niece said, "Very sparkly" and turned her head. No questions and no congrats.
In 2012 my nephew married. The whole year revolved around him and his fiancé and the plans for the wedding. My BIL was a great father but he did his kids no favor by making them feel that the world was theirs and giving them anything they wanted.

Well, sorry but it sounds like the problem is you and your sister.

Why on earth wouldn't you wear your ring? You are sending the wrong message there to your whole family that somehow your niece is more important than you. And then you let her get away with "very sparkly" and didn't take her or her mother to task about that rudeness?

And it sounds like your sister doesn't understand the difference between 'speaking your mind' and 'being a bully.' And her children as a result her children don't. And it sounds like your sister really does think her children are more important than other's feelings. So her children are brats. And it sounds like you let them all get away with it.


I think it's utterly ridiculous that you all have pampered this brat throughout her engagement! And now you are surprised that they are acting like brats?

And now your daughter is going to continue this pandering as well? And what are you doing about it?

Ridiculous. She should go. AND SHE SHOULD WEAR HER RING. And so should you. If anyone asks about either of your rings your response should be "what can I say, love is in the air with the women in this family, isn't it wonderful." And leave it at that.

Stop FEEDING THE BRATS.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Your right, NonieMarie, your nephew was an A$$. I am glad you called him on it. Since when is no one else allowed to announce and engagements or a happy event because someone else in the family is having one. I can see not announcing it at an engagement party for said bride or at her wedding, but other than that it is fine. My gosh. Maybe the kids mother just has too much on her plate right now to deal with her son, but she should have offered an apology to your daughter.

Your daughter is an amazing young woman to be able to take the high road and act with such dignity and grace. Kudos to you for raising such a girl.

I don't think I would invite any of them to her wedding. I think it is a bit harder for us mom's to take the high road when it comes to our kids.

 

[msop04]

A mixture of this:

...You are sending the wrong message there to your whole family that somehow your niece is more important than you. And then you let her get away with "very sparkly" and didn't take her or her mother to task about that rudeness?

And it sounds like your sister doesn't understand the difference between 'speaking your mind' and 'being a bully.' And her children as a result her children don't. And it sounds like your sister really does think her children are more important than other's feelings. So her children are brats. And it sounds like you let them all get away with it.

...you all have pampered this brat throughout her engagement! And now you are surprised that they are acting like brats?

And now your daughter is going to continue this pandering as well? And what are you doing about it?

...She should go. AND SHE SHOULD WEAR HER RING. And so should you. If anyone asks about either of your rings your response should be "what can I say, love is in the air with the women in this family, isn't it wonderful."

and this:

Rainwood:

Families can be such minefields!! I'm sorry that this branch of your family tree has turned out this way, but if that's how they were raised that's probably how they're going to stay. And because you can't change them, you can only change (and by that I mean lower) your expectations of them. Otherwise, you just set yourself up for disappointment. It's unfair to have to do that, but it's often the only way to protect yourself. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to be a better person. They have to choose it for themselves and sometimes they 're not going to.

And congratulations on your engagement!!!

If I were you or your daughter, I'd do what made me happy and forget about the trouble makers. "Screw 'em!"

Don't let their actions ruin your happy!!!

 

[pregcurious]

Your nephew is pathetic. For your own sanity, try to move past it. Put him in a mental pathetic "box" and have a contest for who can name the most pathetic thing he does at each family function. In other words, find a way to laugh instead of cry. People like that are a waste of time.

 

[movie zombie]

the nephew is old enough to be married.
going to his mother to chastise him seems pointless.
however, given his mother thinks he's just speaking his mind, i'd reminder her that I had one too and he'd be hearing more about it.

oh, and i'm really with Gypsy.

but I do understand your daughter not wanting to go.....she shouldn't have to be anywhere that is unwelcoming and/or makes her feel like she's walking on egg shells.

I've always said you can piss on me but don't piss on my kid.........or words to that effect and I cleaned that up!

 

[KaeKae]

congratulations to the happy couples!

How DARE your selfish nephew and niece rain on her parade? And yours, for that matter. Are either of them planning on holding off any big life events (ie baby) while their cousin (and aunt) plans her own wedding month/season/year?

Your daughter is dealing with this situation with grace and I applaud her for that. I have to admit I would be tempted to post another FB update, thanking everyone for the congratulations, and add how she's looking forward to the next year or so of fun and planning. I probably wouldn't go through with that post, but I would be tempted.

 

[TooPatient]

Congratulations to you and your daughter!


As for the rest:

They are spoiled brats. They were raised to be spoiled brats. Your entire family (including you not wearing your ring) is reinforcing their bratty attitudes. They need to quit being spoiled children and learn to act like adults.

Your daughter should do whatever makes her comfortable -- while wearing her ring.


mini-family rant:

What is so WRONG with families that weddings make them so miserable to deal with?!?!
Wedding planning is stressful enough without the petty comments and poor behavior of your own family added on top. If you are really doing the best you can to have a day that is special for you and enjoyable for your guests, then what more could people ask? The whole process has become this emotion filled nightmare of an experience rather than a joyful time. You shouldn't spend the last weeks leading up to your wedding in tears because some family member or another is a selfish person and is splitting the family apart.
Weddings suck!

 

[Indylady]

Stop FEEDING THE BRATS.

 

[JewelFreak]

Rainwood said it perfectly -- nothing to add to her wisdom. Gypsy too is right -- go and wear your ring, for heaven's sake! This childishness has to end somewhere -- you be the grownup. A few people congratulating you on your engagement during an entire wedding will not take any attention from the bride. If she feels it does, shrug & let it slide off your shoulders -- as Rainwood wrote, your expectations should be in line with reality, unfortunate as it is. If the bride stays mad, you haven't lost anything -- you would not be able to please her no matter what you did.

I would simply refuse to play these shallow silly games. You can refuse to care about the drama.

--- Laurie

 

[Niel]

oh gosh. Arent wedding ridiculous!

My FI is of the belief that, like, your sibling shouldnt get engaged during your engagement. For example. He refused to propose to me during my sisters engagement, thought it was rude to pull focus. He also has stated he would be mad if his brother (his best man) proposed before our wedding. to be fair , they have only been dating a really short period, so he doesnt see why they cant date the extra month between when the ring is finished and our wedding. He is just concerned that it, again, would pull focus, as it would be such a fresh engagement, and the first time any of his family would so he brother after the engagement would be the wedding. But, again, if they DID get engaged before our wedding, it would really be a SHOCK to a lot of people, as he is recently divorced, and has only been dating this woman a short time, so my FI is SURE (rightfully) that its going to be drama city when he does end up doing it. He just doesnt want that at the wedding.


With that said, my cousin (who was in my sister's wedding) got engaged during my sister engagement. Also, my FIs cousin got engaged a few months ago, during our engagement. Of course, my FI was nothing but happy for her.

Anyways, I know some people are old school and really worry about the " Engagement Rules," but this seems rude, and im so sorry someone has aready put a damper on her engagement. People will do that. I dont understand why.

 

[gem_anemone]

I have to tell this story because I think it is super petty, childish, and spoiled for someone else to expect you to wait to get engaged during their engagement (or any other "special" time) and it explains why.

I know so many people that if my DH and I had waited to get engaged while someone else we know was engaged we would STILL be waiting. For example: DH bought our ering in 2011. Two weeks after he bought it his sister got engaged even though she and her FI knew we had a ring (annoying, but whatever... I was still happy for her and I would never let something like that get in between us). Well DH and I got engaged a couple months later and were married in 2012. DH's sister and her fiance are STILL engaged to this day almost two and a half years later and have not had a wedding. Our wedding is over and we are pregnant. We are older (I'm 33 and DH's sister is 23). We couldn't just wait around for other people during "their" time to start OUR life together.

Your nephew was out of line with his rude email. I gotta say though you also kind of set the precedent by hiding your engagement during his wedding. He probably just thinks that is how it should be and IMO it should not be. You shouldn't have felt like you had to hide your ring. Your family should have been happy for you even at your nephew's wedding. Your daughter should go to your niece's wedding and wear her ring. Please...for heaven sakes...stop the nonsense!

 

[momhappy]

So had she planned on attending the wedding before the message?
I'm a little confused as to how not attending the wedding is considered taking the high road? This is family drama/politics at its finest and the only way to deal with it effectively (at least in my opinion) is to ignore and go on with life as usual. You can choose to not participate, but by not attending the wedding (if you had previously planned to attend), then you are participating in the drama.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I just don't understand why your daughter didn't e-mail her cousin directly about what he said. He's just her cousin. And to top it off she declines to go to the wedding of a girl who had nothing to do with her brother's comment. You expect others to chastise her cousin for being a total jerk. His mother is not responsible for what he says , nor is his sister. Its your daughter who ought to have called him out on it. You know it seems as if you all really think you are doing the wrong thing. It would never occur to me or my family they couldn't show off their engagement ring or make an announcement to that effect just because someone in the family was getting married.

The bigger problem is your daughter and you will not forget this incident, and perhaps the bride will not either. Your daughter should have dealt with her cousin and you should not expect their mother to do the job your daughter should have done. Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing. Its just her cousin.

But, of course sorry ths came up and your nephew is definitely in the wrong.


Annette

 

[Gypsy]

Hi,

I just don't understand why your daughter didn't e-mail her cousin directly about what he said. He's just her cousin. And to top it off she declines to go to the wedding of a girl who had nothing to do with her brother's comment. You expect others to chastise her cousin for being a total jerk. His mother is not responsible for what he says , nor is his sister. Its your daughter who ought to have called him out on it. You know it seems as if you all really think you are doing the wrong thing. It would never occur to me or my family they couldn't show off their engagement ring or make an announcement to that effect just because someone in the family was getting married.

The bigger problem is your daughter and you will not forget this incident, and perhaps the bride will not either. Your daughter should have dealt with her cousin and you should not expect their mother to do the job your daughter should have done. Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing. Its just her cousin.

But, of course sorry ths came up and your nephew is definitely in the wrong.


Annette

I agree with this too.

If your daughter is old enough to get married she's old enough to speak her mind to her cousin and tell him he's being a rude jerk. And she should have done so.

When I read the title of this post I thought we were talking about grade school kids. Not adult children.

She's got to learn to deal with bullies herself. And you need to let her do so. It's time she learns to "speak her mind". And if HIS mother get's upset about it and calls you... then you can tell her the same thing she told you: your daughter didn't do anything wrong in speaking her mind.

 

[movie zombie]

and I so agree with Gypsy once again!