Is this insulting?

[NakedFinger]

I guess I'm trying to figure out proper etiquette (or what would have been proper etiquette for a awkward situation I had.)

Ok, so my hunny surprised me with a trip to the Bahamas for Christmas. We are leaving in a month. So when telling a colleague about the trip, she said "you must be so excited" and I said facetiously, "yeah, but the fist thing I thought was 'crap I have to be in a bikini in a month'. My body is SOOO not ready to be in a bathing suit". And she kind of gave me a dirty look.

After thinking about, I felt bad because I realized that may have been in poor taste. She is a size 18 or so, and I am a 2. Now granted I know I am not fat, but I have gotten "loose" based on my personal body history and standards, which is why I made the comment. But I now think that the dirty look may have been like a "if you think your body is bad, then what do you think of MINE?" kind of thing.

I may be obsessing, but now I feel really bad. So my question is, was I rude, out of line? Or should you not walk on eggshells around people? Like to put "PS" perspective on it....lets say you have a 3ct diamond, and have serious DSS, and say "ugh my diamond is so tiny I need an upgrade" in front of someone who had a 1ct?

 

[zoebartlett]

I KNOW you didn''t mean anything to be insulting, NF, but as a plus size girl myself, if I had heard that, I would have wondered what you said: "if you think your body is bad, then what do you think of MINE?" Then again, I''m very sensitive to things like that, and I take comments like that personally (although they''re not meant to be taken that way, I''m sure). I wouldn''t have given you a dirty look though because, well, that''s rude. I wouldn''t worry about it, but maybe think about how someone else MAY take that type of comment next time around.

 

[lala2332]

i think your comment was fine. people say things like that all the time. Just know that your co-worker takes comments like that the wrong way, so be more careful next time. Have a wonderful trip!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I don''t know that you need to walk on eggshells - I totally get what you mean about having your own standards for your personal size/body/history (just as everyone has their own standards for many things, including diamond size, personal neatness, etc...). However, I do try to be a little bit extra-sensitive about things like weight, because I''ve been overweight, and I know that even though people don''t mean to be hurtful, they can be without intending it. In this case, looking at it from your co-worker''s perspective, its also possible she was thinking "seriously, this woman''s husband gave her this amazing gift, and now she''s complaining because she has to ''squeeze'' her size-2 self into a bikini?!!"

Either way, I think that it was an honest mistake on your part, but I could also see where she might be insulted/hurt by it.

If you know her very well/are close friends outside of work, an acknowledgment of how your statement may have hurt her is probably in order. If not, I''d just let it slide and try to be a bit more tactful about it in the future.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Date: 1/2/2010 5:25:39 PM
Author:NakedFinger
I guess I''m trying to figure out proper etiquette (or what would have been proper etiquette for a awkward situation I had.)

Ok, so my hunny surprised me with a trip to the Bahamas for Christmas. We are leaving in a month. So when telling a colleague about the trip, she said ''you must be so excited'' and I said facetiously, ''yeah, but the fist thing I thought was ''crap I have to be in a bikini in a month''. My body is SOOO not ready to be in a bathing suit''. And she kind of gave me a dirty look.

After thinking about, I felt bad because I realized that may have been in poor taste. She is a size 18 or so, and I am a 2. Now granted I know I am not fat, but I have gotten ''loose'' based on my personal body history and standards, which is why I made the comment. But I now think that the dirty look may have been like a ''if you think your body is bad, then what do you think of MINE?'' kind of thing.

I may be obsessing, but now I feel really bad. So my question is, was I rude, out of line? Or should you not walk on eggshells around people? Like to put ''PS'' perspective on it....lets say you have a 3ct diamond, and have serious DSS, and say ''ugh my diamond is so tiny I need an upgrade'' in front of someone who had a 1ct?

Well, I''m not up to a size 18, but I am on the thicker side. I don''t think I would have been offended. All you said was that your body is not ready. You didn''t say "omg, I am sooo fat."

I would think that everyone has self-conscious things about their body that they feel they need to work on even if you are a size 2 or a size 20. It just comes with being human

She may have felt kinda self conscious herself, like you said she could that thought "what do you think of mine then?" but then I don''t think you need to worry about it. She should get over it. It wasn''t a personal attack upon her. You were just talking about ur vacation. But I do know that I can get offensive about my weight and feel that every comment is directed to it, but I know that in reality, its probably not.

Don''t fret

 

[MakingTheGrade]

If my size 2 friend complained about fitting into a bathing suit, I probably would have just laughed and said "Seriously? SERIOUSLY?"...I might also wonder if she was fishing for a compliment, or just mildly delusional.

I don''t think it was insulting or offensive, but it might have been a little hurtful to her. I''d just be a little more careful about it in the future.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Although I wasn''t there, I can see anyone making a comment like this, very off the cuff--I mean, since when do women NOT think about how they look in a bathing suit--you are almost naked for goodness sakes--regardless of size?????

You have no way of knowing what she was thinking but if she took great offense to it, I''d rather think she owns "issue" and not you.

cheers--Sharon

 

[So Excited]

Hmmm... If your question is about proper ettiquette then I believe that it was probably not a very "proper" comment.

I personally would not have been offended, (I''m a size 8-10) but if you are a size 2 and shes a 18 - I think you may want to be more concious of what you say. People with lower self esteems take comments that are not ment to be offensive as a "cut" to them and weight is a big problem for people. I don''t feel that you need to walk on eggshells around her, but if there is any weirdness you know what it is from...

I think it would be a different situation if she would have been a "friend" and not a "colleague" because she would have know that you meant no harm, but I think it is a good lesson learned as I have been there before in the unconfortable situation after being at a trade show for work and I made a comment about one of the other companies "models" and her lack of clothing and how terrible she looked in it (we all know about how even some "aspiring" models shouldn''t wear some outfits - FYI: we were in Vegas) to one of my co-workers that is probably a size 24-26 ... she didnt seem to care, but I thought about it after and was like... umm.. probably was unsensitive to say on my part..

 

[princesss]

I''d have thought you were fishing for a compliment, but I wouldn''t have been offended. That said, I can definitely see where if it''s something she''s sensitive about, it would have hurt her feelings. I know you weren''t trying to be offensive, but I''d just try to be a little more tactful in the future. Maybe just leave it at, "Yeah, I''m really excited!" That''s what I do - I have a serious case of foot-in-mouth, and I find that short, direct answers help me from accidentally offending.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It''s a borderline comment, to be honest.

While you probably meant nothing by it...and you didn''t...she may have taken it differently.

 

[JulieN]

I would probably put "how you look when practically naked" in the category of potentially offensive subject matters.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Regardless of what we all say here, the fact remains, your co-worker was hurt and/or offended by the comment so it did come across as an insult to her. Personally, I do think it was a bit rude.

 

[Sizzle]

As a chunky, I hear skinny size 0-4 people complaining about needing to lose weight all the time. Honestly I chaulk it up to their own skinny girl crazy, tell them to get a two piece and a biscuit and maybe they can think more clearly to realize they are scrawny and can run around nekkid if they want to! Yes, your coworker was probably offended, but seriously, that''s her problem. Perception is your own reality and someone who is a size 18 can feel they look amazing or fat just as someone who is a size 2 can and your thoughts/feelings belong to you alone. Enjoy your vacation size 2 or size 22. Life is too short to even consider placing a negative thought on such a fabulous opportunity.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/2/2010 5:25:39 PM
Author:NakedFinger
I guess I''m trying to figure out proper etiquette (or what would have been proper etiquette for a awkward situation I had.)

Ok, so my hunny surprised me with a trip to the Bahamas for Christmas. We are leaving in a month. So when telling a colleague about the trip, she said ''you must be so excited'' and I said facetiously, ''yeah, but the fist thing I thought was ''crap I have to be in a bikini in a month''. My body is SOOO not ready to be in a bathing suit''. And she kind of gave me a dirty look.

NF
be sure to post lots of pictures when you come back from the trip.

 

[yssie]

Ditto - I''d have thought you were just fishing.


I don''t think it was cruel - especially since it wasn''t deliberate - but I do agree that you could have been a bit more conscientous of the disparity.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/2/2010 6:25:19 PM
Author: Sizzle
skinny girl crazy, tell them to get a two piece and a biscuit and maybe they can think more clearly to realize they are scrawny and can run around nekkid if they want to!

Wow!

I''m a size two. Guess I better get my "scrawning" rear end down to Safeway and get a package of buscuits. . .

 

[Skippy123]

Well I guess it depends? I had a coworker that was tiny and she would complain to everyone at work about her weight so we would always be scratching our heads. I would just forget about it because what can you say now to fix it, nothing really. Just don't complain in the future. How sweet of your hubby!!!

 

[jewelz617]

Personally, I secretly get exasperated when skinny people complain. I struggled with weight my entire life, so when my stick thin friends whine about how they need to lose 3 pounds, it makes me roll my eyes.

I know you didn''t mean your comment to be insensitive, but some people do struggle with weight, and don''t need the reminder that they have never in their lives been "bikini ready."

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I can sympathize with your situation, since I''m a size 0, and I have close friends who wear size 10-12 (of course they''re also a foot taller than me

). Even though they''re my BFFs I still try not to make comments about size and weight - not because I think they''ll think I''m insulting them but because it just makes me uncomfortable bringing it up. And these girls, my BFFs, are certainly not heavy or fat - we just have very different body types!

I know your comment wasn''t meant to be taken offensively but there is the potential that it may come off the wrong way for certain people, you know? Not saying you should stop being yourself or walk on eggshells, but just realize that the key to successful and happy conversations isn''t spilling everything that''s in your mind at the time, but rather picking and choosing topics of conversation to fit the appropriate person and situation.

 

[Mara]

I think most women have body issues, whether you are a 0 or a 14. One of my very good friends looks great and she is always complaining about her bod, she is smaller than I will ever be, but she's just not happy. Wants to lose 5 more lbs. I would not be offended by how SHE feels about HER body. You can always assume people mean something else when they say something (aka what is she saying about me), but I tend to take comments at face value with friends.

However, now that you know this gal might have taken it in a way you didn't mean, perhaps just be a bit more cautious in the future. Plus in a 'work' environment, I think that people should tend to temper more what they say unless they are with VERY close coworkers or friends who they know extremely well...otherwise it can be touchy.

 

[klewis]

Nah, not insulting but to anyone sensitive about their weight your comment wouldn''t have gone unnoticed.

Date: 1/2/2010 6:35:07 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Personally, I secretly get exasperated when skinny people complain. I struggled with weight my entire life, so when my stick thin friends whine about how they need to lose 3 pounds, it makes me roll my eyes.


I know you didn''t mean your comment to be insensitive, but some people do struggle with weight, and don''t need the reminder that they have never in their lives been ''bikini ready.''

''Skinny'' used to describe someone who is slim can be similarly and unintentionally offensive. ''Slim'' is a better word to use.


Life is a minefield of potentially unintentional insults.

 

[Kaleigh]

To me, I can see why she was insulted. Not that you meant to be insulting. Just be more cautious going forward. If you are a size 2 and complian to a friend who is a much larger size, I see why she''s be like oh Puhleeease give me a break already. Yanno???

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 1/2/2010 7:21:30 PM
Author: klewis


Nah, not insulting but to anyone sensitive about their weight your comment wouldn't have gone unnoticed.

Date: 1/2/2010 6:35:07 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Personally, I secretly get exasperated when skinny people complain. I struggled with weight my entire life, so when my stick thin friends whine about how they need to lose 3 pounds, it makes me roll my eyes.



I know you didn't mean your comment to be insensitive, but some people do struggle with weight, and don't need the reminder that they have never in their lives been 'bikini ready.'

'Skinny' used to describe someone who is slim can be similarly and unintentionally offensive. 'Slim' is a better word to use.




Life is a minefield of potentially unintentional insults.

Erm... ok?

I have never heard anyone else think "skinny" was offensive in my entire life.

 

[kenny]

Did you insult her?
It depends.

If you are one of the people who feel it is your job to take care of the feelings and insecurities of others (do their work for them) then you did insult her.

If you don't then you didn't.

(That's my opinion and it's worth what you paid for it.)

 

[purrfectpear]

Obviously you spoke without thinking and didn''t mean to be hurtful. It was tactless in the extreme though.

I don''t think you have to "walk on eggshells" but seriously, if you''re a 2 and your friend is plus size, how hard is it to realize that complaining about your size 2 body is

worthy?

 

[meresal]

I kind of put this in the same category as people that give you dirty looks when you complain about your job... and their immediate response is something along these lines. "In this economy, you should be happy with anything." Which is completely UNTRUE... you just don't complain to people that were just laid off.

You are a smaller person as a size 2 and probably don't "need" to lose weight, but it doesn't mean that you don't have standards for your own body.

I have been a 2/4 my entire life. However, my 2/4 from highschool and college was a VERY toned and fit 2/4. I am now a 4/6 and though it is only about 5 lbs more in a certain area, I am certainly NOT pleased with the "shape" that my body is in. It doesn't mean that I have to be happy with my body, just because there are others that are larger than me.

With that said, the only people that I share these comments with are close friends and family. I would not make this comment to a co-worker that did not know me very well, and wouldn't know that I would never make that comment with the intention of "seeking attention" or "being insensitive" to someone else's weight.

In general I think that your comment was fine, when communicated to a certain group. I think in this instance, IMO, the problem was the audience you chose to share your comment with... doesn't know you well enough to have that kind of converstaion.

ETA: I am preggo now, so this all applies to before I began to gain preggo weight.

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/2/2010 6:35:07 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Personally, I secretly get exasperated when skinny people complain. I struggled with weight my entire life, so when my stick thin friends whine about how they need to lose 3 pounds, it makes me roll my eyes.

I think it''s a misconception that all ''skinny people'' don''t struggle with their weight. The same friend I referenced who wants to lose 5 more used to be about 65 lbs heavier, on a small frame. I also have other friends who have lost 20/30/50 lbs. Because of that, I tend to not assume that just because someone is smaller than someone else that they are happy with their body OR that they don''t struggle with weight or food issues etc.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/2/2010 7:43:50 PM
Author: meresal
In general I think that your comment was fine, when communicated to a certain group. I think in this instance, IMO, the problem was the audience you chose to share your comment with... doesn''t know you well enough to have that kind of conversation.

I completely agree with this.

I wouldn''t talk about getting into a bikini while at work at all, but I definitely wouldn''t talk about my anxiety over it with someone who is noticeably larger than I am.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 1/2/2010 7:51:03 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 1/2/2010 6:35:07 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Personally, I secretly get exasperated when skinny people complain. I struggled with weight my entire life, so when my stick thin friends whine about how they need to lose 3 pounds, it makes me roll my eyes.

I think it's a misconception that all 'skinny people' don't struggle with their weight. The same friend I referenced who wants to lose 5 more used to be about 65 lbs heavier, on a small frame. I also have other friends who have lost 20/30/50 lbs. Because of that, I tend to not assume that just because someone is smaller than someone else that they are happy with their body OR that they don't struggle with weight or food issues etc.

I don't doubt that some people have in the past struggled with their weight regardless of their current size. But it was in the context of the poster's original question that was where I was drawing from my own experience. She was complaining to a plus sized co-worker about not being ready to wear a size 2 bikini during a tropical vacation which I found a tad (for lack of a better term) tacky. Had she been posting about body issues after significant weight loss/gain my answer would have reflected accordingly.

I'm seriously not understanding how some people don't grasp how this could have been interpreted as insulting to the heavier woman. In a different scenario, would it be appropriate/sensitive for a pregnant woman to complain about her baby kicking too hard to a woman who recently miscarried? Or complain about a blemish to someone who suffers from severe acne? You just have to be aware of who you're speaking to.

 

[neatfreak]

I certainly don't think you meant to be offensive or insulting at all. That being said, I think it's kind to watch what you say around ANYONE who you know might have certain issues.

For example I have a few friends suffering from infertility. So I try not to talk about the fact that it was so easy for me to get pregnant around them.

I have a friend who is struggling financially. And so I try not to talk about my new ring, car, whatever around her.

Does it mean that I walk on eggshells? No. Does it mean we never talk about these things? No. But it DOES mean that I am careful with the comments I make around them because I think it's the polite thing to do.

It's just about being mindful of others' situations. And yes I think it's kind to do so if you know someone is struggling with something-whatever that may be.