Feeling kinda bad about getting mad and flipping out today...

[tawn]

My rough and tough 12 1/2 yr-old came home in tears today because his brand-new cell phone got smunched by his little friends. It wasn''t really intentional, but at the same time they should know better than to play toss with a brand new phone that doesn''t belong to them.

I am normally the most non-confrontational person ever, but when it comes to my kid...WATCH OUT! I marched right over to the park and asked which of the boys was buying me a new phone, and asked them if they were aware that I''m the one who paid for the phone, blah blah blah! I also told them to keep their mitts off other people''s property if they can''t afford to replace it. I was hot!! I got some sorry''s and even a "Yes Ma''am!" which just made feel old and ancient!

I''m feeling a little sheepish now, but my poor kid was heartbroken and he never cries anymore. He got my husband''s old phone last time, and he was super excited about getting his own cool phone. He''s crushed! I think (hope) they were aware that I wasn''t fighting his battles either, but was pissed (which is the only "swear word" I used in my rant to them) about the fact that technically it''s my property that they were messing with!

Oh well, what''s done is done...but I really think they deserved the scary lecture!? Right?? Someone please agree with me so I can stop feeling like I totally overreacted!

 

[movie zombie]

i don''t fault you: in fact, i think you should find out their parents names and go talk to them and insist on being reimbursed.

movie zombie

 

[dani13]

Listen, Tawn, dont feel bad, we all have our days, and although I am not a mother yet, I can totally understand where you are coming from. I think you gave them a good lesson on respecting other people''s stuff. I agree with movie zombie- contact their parents for reimbursement, and let the parents know what happenned. They shouldnt be messing with any body''s things other than their own.

 

[ladykemma]

i would make your son pay for his new phone. that''ll teach him not to do that or let someone else do that.

schoolteacher ladykemma

 

[diamondsrock]

I wouldn''t feel bad for going over there and speaking up. I can relate. Our neighbor''s son climbed a tree and dropped my son''s $60 bicycle helmet to the ground for no reason at all. My son told me about it and I was furious, one with the kid who did it (why would someone do that to someone else'' property?) and two for my son for letting this kid take his helmet. I ended up not confronting the kid as we live next door and I want to keep harmony but told my son not to let anyone touch his stuff. My son tends to be a little bit shy so probably didn''t want to confront the kid either but it really pisses me off when kids destroy other kids stuff, whether on purpose or not. It''s one thing to destroy their own stuff (which is bad enough and I''ve seen often) but not other people''s.

 

[MissAva]

I don’t blame you at all Miss Tawn, and believe it or not being a parent who typically stays out of things and only occasionally gets involved, but does so with force is not a bad thing. Your child has the room he needs to grow but still feels comfortable going to you when he is distressed, you are clearly doing something right.

As for the phone...I would be very annoyed. I know kids at that age play with each others phones fairly regularly, but you might talk to him about being more careful who he shows things to. Did the other boys have phones, were they jealous, are these children in a position where they can even realistically pay for the phone (ie allowance)?

I have no idea who is at fault, but if the other boys pay for the new phone (did it have insurance?) it will be expensive…and could cause him more trouble then it is worth among his peers.
I am sorry your son had a rough day. I would probably front him the 50$ for the insurance on his cell phone and make him work it off in additional chores.

 

[ephemery1]

I agree with Mata (but I''m not actually a parent so take my opinion with grain of salt!) that it could end up causing your son more trouble than its worth to contact the other kids'' parents... especially if these are his friends, and were just messing around. Yes, it was stupid of them, and yes, they needed to hear from you WHY it was stupid... but now they know. Hopefully lesson learned, for them as well as for your son. (Poor guy...

) I think you did the right thing!

 

[Miranda]

I understand your reaction. I am also a mother of a 12 year old boy. What those boys did was disrespectful and they should have been told so. I honestly cannot believe some of the things I see and hear about other boys (in particular) doing. Many parents are just not concerned. I think boys by and large are just allowed to run amuck(hmmm...I don''t know if amuck is really a word). I could certainly be classified as over protective, but, I don''t care as long as my kids grow up to make good decisions. What you did was called parenting. Pretty or ugly, it''s necessary.

Your son sounds like a sweetheart! Be proud of that and remember that there is a lesson in everything.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 4/27/2006 10:05:22 AM
Author: ephemery1
I agree with Mata (but I''m not actually a parent so take my opinion with grain of salt!) that it could end up causing your son more trouble than its worth to contact the other kids'' parents... especially if these are his friends, and were just messing around. Yes, it was stupid of them, and yes, they needed to hear from you WHY it was stupid... but now they know. Hopefully lesson learned, for them as well as for your son. (Poor guy...

) I think you did the right thing!

Whoops!
You bring up a good point...I am not a parent. I work with children and have a 13 year old brother...sometimes I forget they are not mine.

 

[portoar]

Tawn, as a parent of a 12 yo girl, I can relate. Actually, I don''t think it was wrong of you to go over and chew out the boys. I agree with the other person who said you should have found out who the kid''s parents were and talked to them about having THE KID WHO BROKE IT pay for a new phone. Yes, your son needs to learn not to let other kids goof off with his phone, but other kids need to learn to respect other people''s property and to accept the consequences for breaking other people''s things.

I mean, if you borrowed someone''s phone, and accidentally broke it, you would not hesitate to insist on paying for a new phone, right? Well, same with the kids. They need to learn that when they damage someone else''s property they need to "make that person whole" by paying for a replacement phone.

The lesson your son needs to learn is twofold: 1) Be more responsible about letting other people use expensive property and 2) When someone does damage his belongings, he needs to stand up for himself and ask them to make things right.

At 12 yo, he''s probably too young to do this for himself, so he needs to learn from your example. He needs to go with you to hear the conversation between the adults about the incident and who is responsible for paying for the damage. This is how kids learn, by example. He can''t be expected to figure out and negotiate this on his own.

But, he has already learned lesson #1, if he learns lesson #2, be assured he will have a much better chance of standing up for himself if someone does ruin his property.

 

[MINE!!]

Nope.. don''t feel guilty for one small second. I would have flipped too. Actually, I have a hard time NOT slipping when people make my babies cry. I remember when the first time a child really hurt my daughters feelings... I wanted to take out a contract on a 5 year old!!!! You were right and had EVERY right. Don;t feel bad.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 4/27/2006 6:35:58 AM
Author: ladykemma
i would make your son pay for his new phone. that''ll teach him not to do that or let someone else do that.

schoolteacher ladykemma

BTW... I hope this was said Tongue in Cheeck.. otherwise.. I feel this may be an exmaple of why our children find it so hard to respect other people property if you schoolteachers are teaching them that if they break something it is the owner responsible to pay and be liable for it!

 

[Kaleigh]

Tawn,
Big hugs, what you did any of us parents would do. My son is 15, and his watch got broken. He cried big time. I wouldn''t contact the parents. They probably would end up being all defensive and it would end up going against your son and his friendship with these boys. He sounds like a delightful young man.

 

[Mara]

tawn i think you did the right thing...you showed them that parents CAN get involved and there can be repurcussions for bad behavior.

when i was young, one of my strongest memories was of this little girl down the street who had the same name as me, total little bully because she was about a year older and bigger, and she used to bug me all the time. all the neighborhood kids would walk home together or near together etc. if she tried to bug me, i would just ignore her, well one day she snatched my brand new Hello Kitty pencil box out of my hand and said it was hers now and ran off home with it. i was SO upset, so i ran home and then i spilled the whole story to my Mom sobbing hysterically. she marched over to this girl's house and totally reamed her out for picking on smaller kids than her, and then told her she'd tell her mother if she ever bugged me again (her mom wasn't home). i got some glares in the future but she never bugged me again and i got my PENCIL BOX back because yanno that's what is important. hehehe.

sometimes i think parents need to get involved for various reasons, but one reason is so that your kid knows you don't hesitate to go to bat for them when it really matters. sure if they are older maybe they say MOM don't or whatever but i think inside that they appreciate it still. i also learned that i should stand up more for myself. my Mom was pretty impressive. hehee.

oh and i wouldn't contact his parents...i think that you did enough for now. i'd see how it plays out after this.

 

[moon river]

Oh, tough one. As a parent of a now 21 year old and a 14 year old, it''s been my experiance that having ''Mom'' step in a fight his battle for him will only cause him more grief, teasing etc. Better to stay out of it. Kids can be CRUEL. And your showing up just gave the kids ammo against your kid I''m afraid. Plus, if a parent came and lit into my kid like that, there''d be more heck to pay.

 

[jldunn]

I think I''d expect my child, especially by the age of twelve, to react to a situation like that without losing their temper. I think the ability to handle difficult people with grace, calmness, and intelligence is more valuable than any material object. I think if I heard that an adult had reacted angrily, with raised voice, and in a ranting manner such as I''d expect better than from my child, I''d be quite disappointed in that person and recommend they stay away from my children if they can''t conduct themselves in a civilized manner.

 

[laurel_aurelia]

tawn, who is your cellphone provider?

i used to have cingular but right after i bought a brand new phone i changed to verizon to get their pink razr. (and cingular isn''t great in my house.)

SO, i have a brand new phone -- in box -- that i will send you and your son if you have cingular. it''s better than it sitting at my house and it''s hot and is a camera phone, etc!

i know it''s not a money issue -- but atleast this could solve something for BOTH of us!

 

[caribou903]

I don''t think you should feel bad. I''m not a parent but it sounds like you did good. All the kids should have known better than to play with a cell phone that way. However, I''ve certain situations where grown kids (aka Adults) have behaved the same way with someone expensive, like a cell phone.

I agree, I think you should sit down with your son and talk to him about being more careful with expensive things and I think you should call a couple mothers and tell them about their son''s behavior. I think I be a little miffed if I found out my son had a part in breaking someone elses cell phone. Accident or not.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 4/27/2006 1:09:48 PM
Author: Harold
I think I'd expect my child, especially by the age of twelve, to react to a situation like that without losing their temper. I think the ability to handle difficult people with grace, calmness, and intelligence is more valuable than any material object. I think if I heard that an adult had reacted angrily, with raised voice, and in a ranting manner such as I'd expect better than from my child, I'd be quite disappointed in that person and recommend they stay away from my children if they can't conduct themselves in a civilized manner.

Wow, Harold, most adults can't accept so calmly and logically when something breaks, let alone a twelve year old. And he didn't lose his temper, he came home in tears.

Of course grace, calmness and intelligence are more important than any material object. But there are other values to be learned in life by children and adults, and they can only be learned by making mistakes, realizing the consequences, learning from the mistakes and trying again.

As for your judgement call on his mother.......

.........I guess it's better that she had a word with the children (who might have learned something) than to have contacted Johnny and Joey's parents, who might not have believed their children played a role in destroying the cell phone anyway............

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/27/2006 1:09:48 PM
Author: Harold
I think I''d expect my child, especially by the age of twelve, to react to a situation like that without losing their temper. I think the ability to handle difficult people with grace, calmness, and intelligence is more valuable than any material object. I think if I heard that an adult had reacted angrily, with raised voice, and in a ranting manner such as I''d expect better than from my child, I''d be quite disappointed in that person and recommend they stay away from my children if they can''t conduct themselves in a civilized manner.

For the record!! I didn''t raise my voice or lose my temper, BUT for me to confront anyone is very out of character for me...which is why I sort of felt badly.

I spoke in a calm voice, and it was short and sweet, but they knew that I was angry. I know these kids and I also know that the punishment that they would be receiving from their parents would be a lot worse than the "talking" to I gave them!

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/27/2006 12:18:10 PM
Author: MINE!!

Date: 4/27/2006 6:35:58 AM
Author: ladykemma
i would make your son pay for his new phone. that''ll teach him not to do that or let someone else do that.

schoolteacher ladykemma

BTW... I hope this was said Tongue in Cheeck.. otherwise.. I feel this may be an exmaple of why our children find it so hard to respect other people property if you schoolteachers are teaching them that if they break something it is the owner responsible to pay and be liable for it!

The funny thing was that he was trying to be responsible. They were running through the sprinklers, so he put his phone on the picnic table to keep it safe. Then the boys decided to play "keep away" and there was a wild throw without no catcher.

 

[portoar]

Wait! What if you were the parent of a kid who irresponsibly broke someone else''s phone? Wouldn''t you want to know about it? I would!

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/27/2006 1:05:01 PM
Author: moon river
Oh, tough one. As a parent of a now 21 year old and a 14 year old, it''s been my experiance that having ''Mom'' step in a fight his battle for him will only cause him more grief, teasing etc. Better to stay out of it. Kids can be CRUEL. And your showing up just gave the kids ammo against your kid I''m afraid. Plus, if a parent came and lit into my kid like that, there''d be more heck to pay.

I know these kid''s parents and they would be getting a lot more trouble if I told on them.

I should clarify that my idea of being angry is not impressive. When I do get angry and think I''ve really "told" someone...my husband laughs and says that I''m still more polite about it than anyone! I''m a Canadian...so maybe that partly explains my non-confrontational behavior?

He has no troubles fighting his own battles and is a very popular little kid, but this was my property they were messing with and I made that clear!

 

[tawn]

You are such a sweetie, and we do have cingular...I''ll buy it from ya!

 

[orangevixen]

i think you did the right thing... as you said, you spoke in a calm tone. i agree and i also would contact the parents...

 

[laurel_aurelia]

no, not necessary. i know it''s a weird offer, and it''s not meant as a "charity" thing -- just a "here''s atleast one way to deal wiht ONE of the burdens of today."

PM me. can we still do that/? if not email me - [email protected]

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/27/2006 2:24:09 PM
Author: portoar
Wait! What if you were the parent of a kid who irresponsibly broke someone else''s phone? Wouldn''t you want to know about it? I would!

I would want to know, but my son is pretty open about things because he knows that he''s not to get into huge trouble at home, and I as a parent would insist that he take responsibility and pay for his part. His friend broke the neighbors window while they were playing together and he told us, and we went over and apologized and offered to pay for it. The other parents did nothing ,and seemed angry with us that we even told them what happened!

So telling the other parents is the touchy part of the subject for me. I''m pretty sure the one kid will tell his parents because he''ll be really worried that I''ll tell them. The other one might try to keep it a secret so he doesn''t get into trouble.

I''m not going to tattle because they didn''t do it intentionally. If it had been something they had done out of anger...then I''d be on the phone calling their parents to let them know.

 

[DonaBella]

I am a mother of 11 1/2 year old and 9 year old sons. I also have a 14 year old, a 16 year old, a 17 year old, a 19 year old, a 21 year old, a 23 year old and a 24 year old. I mention this because each kid has had a situation that called for me to get involved on some level and to be assertive yet careful on how I handled their particular situation.

My take on all of this is that you did what any responsible, caring mom would do. Your son learned a powerful lesson about having a cell phone and also these kids. I agree with Mata. Leave what you did with the boys well enough alone, however, if your son is retaliated on, I''d jump to talking to their folks in a flash.

Kids ARE extremely cruel and because of that, you do not want to stir the waters if you can. My now 21 year old had a situation that almost all but ruined her last year and 1/2 of school in highschool. She had known three girls all her same age since elementary school. Two of these girls started spreading heartless and devastating rumors about my daughter. My daughter, at the time, was on the highschool dance team and was very popular and had a wide circle of friends as a result. She was also dating the newest jock in school that these two particular girls were hot for.

Well, things took a ugly turn and after my daughter attended a dance with the new guy (who happened to live next door to us...how convenient), one of the girls--X--tried to come on to this guy and he turned her down and hard. The other girl--Y--decided to try her hand at the new guy and he also turned her down. The girls told kids at school that he did the deed with them and my daughter and how my daughter was a skank. It was so horrid how powerful this rumor became. So many of my daughters classmates, acquaintances, even some of the dance team members, began to think it might be so.

My daughter was tormented at school and it began over jealousy and lies. My kid went through hell and I got involved when I found out with tangible evidence what had happened. I tried to talk to the girls'' and their mothers, but got not only the cold shoulder, but threats to ME. My daughter suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and her health took a serious tumble after this. The boy next door became enraged with the whole situation, found out my garage door keyless entry code and threatened to vandalize my home. His family and our family never got past this completely before they moved, though we were civil. (The young man left to the Navy after graduating and later showed up at my door, apologizing for his past immature threats and behavior, so I forgave him...he was a good kid, he just had other issues I found out only because he shared them and so did his parents with us.)

I didn''t mean to ramble on about this, but this can be very important and very devastatingly infectious when it comes to kids. For my daughter, this situation caused her a lack of trust in who were her true friends, it caused her health to deteriorate and she left the dance team after her junior year. The threats on campus were so real that we consulted a lawyer. She acquired a semistalker who lived a street down and had that to deal with on top of this. What a mess...

I share this to help other parents and those who might be parents to see the power and damage that kids can and do to each other...over stupid-ass things.

I am glad your son was ok and it was the phone that got messed up and not the other way around...

 

[tawn]

I thought of something and laughed and had to add...

These kids are soooo not scared of me, and I know they were thinking that they were sure glad that Ryley''s dad was out of town and that it was me giving them the talking to!! I''m sure the next time I see them, I''ll be asking them how scary I was...and it will become a running joke!

Now, my husband would have been scary, he would have been dragging those kids to their parents house and causing a big old scene!

BTW Thanks for all the comments and advice! (except Harolds

) Last night I was feeling really emotional, but this morning I''m not the least bit upset and can actually find some humor in it. I don''t think it was nearly as dramatic as I made it seem...I always feel guilty about everything I do which makes things seem like a bigger deal than they really are?

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/27/2006 3:00:12 PM
Author: DeannaBana
I am a mother of 11 1/2 year old and 9 year old sons. I also have a 14 year old, a 16 year old, a 17 year old, a 19 year old, a 21 year old, a 23 year old and a 24 year old. I mention this because each kid has had a situation that called for me to get involved on some level and to be assertive yet careful on how I handled their particular situation.

My take on all of this is that you did what any responsible, caring mom would do. Your son learned a powerful lesson about having a cell phone and also these kids. I agree with Mata. Leave what you did with the boys well enough alone, however, if your son is retaliated on, I''d jump to talking to their folks in a flash.

Kids ARE extremely cruel and because of that, you do not want to stir the waters if you can. My now 21 year old had a situation that almost all but ruined her last year and 1/2 of school in highschool. She had known three girls all her same age since elementary school. Two of these girls started spreading heartless and devastating rumors about my daughter. My daughter, at the time, was on the highschool dance team and was very popular and had a wide circle of friends as a result. She was also dating the newest jock in school that these two particular girls were hot for.

Well, things took a ugly turn and after my daughter attended a dance with the new guy (who happened to live next door to us...how convenient), one of the girls--X--tried to come on to this guy and he turned her down and hard. The other girl--Y--decided to try her hand at the new guy and he also turned her down. The girls told kids at school that he did the deed with them and my daughter and how my daughter was a skank. It was so horrid how powerful this rumor became. So many of my daughters classmates, acquaintances, even some of the dance team members, began to think it might be so.

My daughter was tormented at school and it began over jealousy and lies. My kid went through hell and I got involved when I found out with tangible evidence what had happened. I tried to talk to the girls'' and their mothers, but got not only the cold shoulder, but threats to ME. My daughter suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and her health took a serious tumble after this. The boy next door became enraged with the whole situation, found out my garage door keyless entry code and threatened to vandalize my home. His family and our family never got past this completely before they moved, though we were civil. (The young man left to the Navy after graduating and later showed up at my door, apologizing for his past immature threats and behavior, so I forgave him...he was a good kid, he just had other issues I found out only because he shared them and so did his parents with us.)

I didn''t mean to ramble on about this, but this can be very important and very devastatingly infectious when it comes to kids. For my daughter, this situation caused her a lack of trust in who were her true friends, it caused her health to deteriorate and she left the dance team after her junior year. The threats on campus were so real that we consulted a lawyer. She acquired a semistalker who lived a street down and had that to deal with on top of this. What a mess...

I share this to help other parents and those who might be parents to see the power and damage that kids can and do to each other...over stupid-ass things.

I am glad your son was ok and it was the phone that got messed up and not the other way around...

I totally agree that kids can be SO CRUEL! That''s a horrible story about your daughter and I''m a firm believer in what goes around, comes around, so those girls will have their own issues one day. I think teenage girls are more evil than the boys! The boys fight it out and it''s over, but girls do the evil smear campaigns! I hope your daughter is doing better now, and finds true friends!

My son is a pretty popular little kid, and he''s also the kid that always stands up for the underdog. He''s pretty big for his age so hasn''t really been bullied yet, and he''s so easygoing that he''s never had any behavior issues at school! Gr. 6 and has never been called into the principals office! Oh.. I know he''ll mutate one of these days, but he''s been the easiest kid so far! Thank goodness!