Exasperated with 15 year old son!

[Begonia]

I am so exasperated with him. Call him Sam.

His gaming addiction is the #1 stressor in our household right now.

He had a family heritage project due today. and managed to spend around 15 hours gaming this weekend, and around 2 hours doing the project. The project is mediocre at best, with many errors that I barely caught while proofreading it (about 20 mins before he had to leave for school - he didn't want me to look at it earlier). The errors were about me and my family or I would have likely let them go.

He's a bright kid. Extremely bright. We have rules about computer use, and have resorted to disconnecting the internet. Somehow he finds a way around it all. Consequences are imposed, and followed through with. He has an iPod, and when I look over, he is hunched over that. I've tried to take away the iPod, and WW3 resulted. We compromise, talk to him like the growing individual he is, he promises to focus and lead a more balanced life, and then nothing changes. The kid didn't actually go outside all weekend.

This is the ongoing scenario in our home. Not just a one-off. Weekend after weekend after weekend.

Our teenage boys are in a crisis folks, and it is called computer use, the Internet and gaming.

I'm making the call.

It's here in my hand: "An Education and Support Group for Parents of Teens".

Wish me luck.

 

[chrono]

I am sorry you are going through this and this is also my #1 one concern for my children; electronics, gaming and internet usage. For now, I get constant updates from their teachers so I know what and when assignments, projects and tests are due, so there is no way these can be hidden from me. When the two of you had your discussion, were the consequences also discussed? Did you follow up on it?

 

[OreoRosies86]

Double post

 

[OreoRosies86]

Since he has extreme difficulty with time management (the kiss of death for a college freshman), now is the time for intervention. Firstly private after school tutoring (with your continuing at home of course) to make absolutely certain he is up to date on school work, is doing it properly and to completion. This is non negotioable if he wants any semblance on freedom on weekends.

As for reports and projects, those can be done at a public library. You can let the librarian know that he is too distracted to complete projects at home and they can put a block on sites at the computer he is using. That and frequent check-ins to monitor his progress give him few alternatives but to sit down and get to work.

It will require a lot of hand holding and it will suck for both of you, but he can thank you later.

 

[House Cat]

Could there be more of a rewards/consequences program instated in the house that directly involved electronics and homework.

Something like: You finish this project with A+ effort and you get XX amount of hours on ________ electronic.
You get this grade and you earn XX amount of hours. Etc..


Conversely: You bring home this D or F, you lose XX amount of time on __________ electronic.



Just an idea.


My son is glued too, but his grades are good. He does get out of the house with friends. He is a junior in college. There is a part of me that thinks this is a sign of the times?

 

[Begonia]

Thanks for listening everyone.

Here's the pattern. Last semester he was on the "Extreme Honor Roll" which means he got all A's. Then after accomplishing that, complacency sets in and he lets things slide. He'll likely bring home all B's, with possibly a C+ for this reporting period .

When he was younger we used to reward more. My observation is that has gotten out of hand with his peers. Diamond earrings, clothes, what have you. Life doesn't work that way, with major rewards at every turn. We do take the kids out for supper and are very supportifve of how they are doing, and their accomplishments. At the high school level, it is more difficult to keep track of their projects - they don't post them to a website like they do at the middle school level. At least not in our locale. I think I am exhausted from checking in and pestering him to get to it. His standards for himself are so low compared to his abilities.

The kid isn't failing, but he just doesn't seem to care. It seems to be problem throughout his peer group - like lads are not supposed to challenge themselves and stirve to go beyond. He's in a special program at school for independent thinkers. He had to apply and get accepted. This is a big opportunity for him.

I don't think I am expressing myself well as I am emotional and worried.

We have never had any support with raising our kids. None. At. All. It would sure help if Granddad could come and take his off our hands for the weekend. They are both gone, and no extended family member to act as a mentor.

I've called the husband at work, and thankfully we are on the same page, and have always been.

Time for an intervention. Again.

 

[OreoRosies86]

There should be more parents like you. I agree that you shouldn't be rewarded for trying hard and getting good grades. That is a given in securing a successful future.

 

[amc80]

This might sound harsh, but if he is doing these things it's because you are letting him. His things aren't his, they are yours. Kids don't have their own money. Any spending money they have is because they don't have to pay for rent, utilities, insurance, etc. So if he pulls the "well I bought it with my own money", no he didn't. Plus he's using your electricity and/or internet to play. You have all of the power. Here are some suggestions on what might work:

1) Put a password on your wifi/internet. Change it daily. He doesn't get the password until he has completed his school work and chores.

2) Take it ALL away. Yes, WW3 will happen, but so what. Giving him his stuff back just shows him that you aren't serious. Tell him if he wants his stuff back he needs to earn it. As in he needs to go a certain number of WEEKS (not days) doing his work and doing things he's supposed to do. When he does that he can have 1 device back, which he can use for a certain amount of time.

3) Make him join a club, sport, or team. Chess, swimming, soccer, whatever. He needs to be doing something other than sitting by himself playing games.

 

[Begonia]

We do have a password for our personal computer which takes care of son #2 (11 years old).

Sam bought his own computer, and we have had agreements about his computer use. We put the internet box away at night, but it comes out during the day for family use and he will use his WiFi connection (on his computer) to use his iPod. We have a rule that there is no gaming M-T and the focus is on homework. He will use his WiFi connection to play with his iPod. We unplug. He reads books on iPod. Not a bad thing, but...

We have considered confiscating all of his computing equipment. We are concerned that this will chase him away from our home, where we do know what he is up to, over to an unsupervised home. Believe me, unsupervised homes are the norm these days.

We have insisted that he join clubs. He joins the track team and will go for 1 our of every 4 practises. It is exhausting trying to ensure that the kid engages and participates. There is a danger at this age, with making him do something. I've have been involved in that struggle for over 10 years, and it isn't as easy as it sounds.

I know you are trying to help me amc, and I appreciate your time. I will reread your post, and the others later (perhaps after I've slept on them). The wisdom isn't reaching me today. I think my emotions are running high right now.

I agree wholeheartedly though. My home isn't a democracy, and somebody has to be in charge. It isn't always cut and dried in the application however.

 

[ame]

You're raising my husband. I have no advice for you, and I know my MIL wouldn't either. Other than like, smothering him with a pillow or something. All jokes aside, you need to cut off all his sources now, and when and if he gets it back on track he can eventually get some reward back in the form of time.

 

[Mayk]

I have a 15 year old daughter who used bad judgement of Facebook and also neglected several homework assignments.

I turned the Internet off on her phone, with parental controls took her texting down to only approved numbers, took her phone away unless I want her to have it for my convenience. (If I need to reach her during the day) and her new laptop she got for Christmas is not to leave the Kitchen table until mid term and her grades are all acceptable. She can do homework on her laptop but I made her take her Facebook down.

It's not just boys...the girls are bad too!! Makes me crazy! Feel your pain!!!

 

[amc80]

We have insisted that he join clubs. He joins the track team and will go for 1 our of every 4 practises. It is exhausting trying to ensure that the kid engages and participates. There is a danger at this age, with making him do something. I've have been involved in that struggle for over 10 years, and it isn't as easy as it sounds.

Oh, no doubt that it is easy. But there must be something that he has some sort of interest in. I know teenagers are rough...I remember being one. Sometimes you just have to accept that they may not like you for a while. Moderation in anything comes from maturity, discipline, and willpower. He obviously doesn't have the capabilities at 15 to play his games in moderation. That's okay. It just means that you have to be the one to help him moderate.

Another idea-
Let him play for two hours and then unplug it. No warning. Set a timer. If he doesn't save and quit at the time that timer goes off then he is going to lose his progress.

 

[Indylady]

I'm thinking that if he's really bright, and brings in excellent grades with some effort and decent grades with no effort, that he is not being challenged enough. I also think his school might have something to do with it too--teens follow their peers, and if his friends seem that way, it is likely because the school isn't competitive. I went to a very competitive highschool, and the general consensus was extreme dedication to school. It was a public school, but offered lots of advanced courses. I'd do my best to put him into a more challenging program.

Other than that, you could put him in something that he really wants.If he's really into computers, why not put him in a computer camp? Programming class at a local college? Channel that interest into something worth learning. Or, can you get him into something that puts responsibility on him--like tutoring or teaching something?

I think he may be too old/too smart for confiscating games and computers. I think it will incite the standard dose of teenage rebellion. If my parents did that to me as a teen, you can imagine I'd channel all my energies into overcoming and sidestepping their limitations, not by doing exactly what they wanted. I'd level with him somehow. Rather, I was more affected when I disappointed my parents after they had been happy with me. I know things are murky right now, but I do think this is something he'll grow out of with some time.

 

[Begonia]

Yes, Indy, we had considered putting him into some advanced computer courses to challenge him. I think I will follow up on that now. Also too, I think the kid has too much time on his hands. He needs a job (so do I as I unemployed at the moment, but that's another thread). Volunteer and/or paid. Perhaps tutoring seniors at the local library on computer skills...

He is too old (almost 16) for confiscation is my feeling as well. I am afraid of upsetting the apple cart, and all hell breaking loose. The hubbie and I are going to tighten up on the computer time without making a big deal out of it. Lads don't respond well to "The Lecture".

Have I thanked everyone for the feedback? I appreciate it. I'm not sleeping well (the flashes are back) and can't think through my problems as well as I would like. Has anyone ever seen the female comedienne who talks about peri/menopause? Forget her name , but she describes how women go blank with the nouns. You forget the names of things, and end up just pointing and grunting...I'm losing more than the nouns at this point.

 

[arkieb1]

Rather than confiscation have you tried a blackout? How is the Wi-Fi controlled at your house? Where I live, it is a matter of shutting that off and all Wi-Fi for everyone is then dead. Inconvenient I know, but it makes a really great point that no-one in the house including any offending children get any access unless all tasks are completed with full co-operation. And I know that sounds harsh, I used to be a high school teacher so it does work. Teens respond just as much to what you take away from them if they are really dependent upon it than they do positive reinforcement.

Sending him to study at the library without supervision also sounds like a bad idea. If there is free or unlimited access there then kids just take their own devices and happily play or do whatever for hours unsupervised.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Rather than confiscation have you tried a blackout? How is the Wi-Fi controlled at your house? Where I live, it is a matter of shutting that off and all Wi-Fi for everyone is then dead. Inconvenient I know, but it makes a really great point that no-one in the house including any offending children get any access unless all tasks are completed with full co-operation. And I know that sounds harsh, I used to be a high school teacher so it does work. Teens respond just as much to what you take away from them if they are really dependent upon it than they do positive reinforcement.

Sending him to study at the library without supervision also sounds like a bad idea. If there is free or unlimited access there then kids just take their own devices and happily play or do whatever for hours unsupervised.

I should have clarified, but OP would be with him. I don't think it's a bad idea. I was a troubled student and my mother dragged me to the local state college library nearly every project. We left when the work was done. I was only trying to suggest methods which worked for me as a student who was described as "hopeless" by a 7th grade math teacher and went on to find a great stride academically with a lot of hard work.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I am sorry you are going through this and this is also my #1 one concern for my children; electronics, gaming and internet usage. For now, I get constant updates from their teachers so I know what and when assignments, projects and tests are due, so there is no way these can be hidden from me. When the two of you had your discussion, were the consequences also discussed? Did you follow up on it?

when I was a kid there were no video toys...

 

[iluvcarats]

Even if it is his own computer that he bought himself, it is your house, your rules and he has a responsibility to respect them and you. I would take away any and all devices. My husband and I actually just changed the password for our kids for far less infractions. Not cleaning up after themselves and not doing chores. New password? Madmommy

 

[LLJsmom]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree it is a huge problem. I have an 11 year old son, who loves playing on the computer. We don't allow it during the weekday, and one hour a day on the weekends, Friday - Sunday.

Since he was able to get straight As last year, your son is very capable. He just needs to focus and do the work. So, anything less than straight As would be unacceptable. He needs to spend his time studying, if he is not involved in a sport or physical activity. Since you're not working at the moment, be WITH him as much as possible. Make him study at the dining table, with you there. If school work is not challenging enough, or not teaching him what he needs to learn, supplement. I agree with the poster who suggested private tutoring regularly. Or there are EXPENSIVE study centers that teach kids stuff beyond their grade level to get them ready to college testing. Don't just take away the devices. Fill the time with academics. Yeah, he may not care right now. Too bad. He's still gotta do it. And if he acts like an adult, you might give him some time on the devices. He's still so young! 15. Hell might break loose. But if you're not laying down the law because you're afraid of that, then I think you really need to regain control again. Maybe it's been too long since you have. You ARE the boss of him. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound unkind. I know I am not in your shoes, as my son is only 11. I'm pretty hard on my son. I give him supplemental work even when he has straight As, if I don't think the school material is teaching him what he needs to learn. If your son is gifted, maybe even straight As are not enough to really mine his potential. I would suggest supplementing even when he gets those straight As. Sign him up for classes, like martial arts, that teach him a life skill, or something physical that will get him out of his comfort zone. You said he signed up for track. Sign him up for a 5K, or 10K. Better yet, go do one with him. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[artdecogirl]

Begonia, I am sorry to say I have no profound words of wisdom or fabulous ideas how to approach this but as a mother of 3 grown children one of them of the male persuasion I just want to say I am sorry you are going through this. We had some of the same issues with my son and it took a whole bunch of work to get through it mostly sitting down every night before any free time was granted and going through all home work and following up with teachers sometimes daily to get the results, it is easy for everyone to say it is your house your the boss but they are right on the edge at that age and it is so easy to push them in the wrong direction so I think you are wise to temper the restrictions with other solutions also. I will keep you in my prayers tonight for wisdom in making the right choices, strength and patience with this creature that used to be your sweet precious baby boy and the knowledge that this too will pass.

 

[distracts]

You forget the names of things, and end up just pointing and grunting...I'm losing more than the nouns at this point.

It's okay, men use pointing and grunting as their main form of communication for 100% of their lives.

 

[movie zombie]

Begonia, I don't envy you at all....but the reality is you started WW3 and your son won.
do not start WW4 unless you have your ducks in order, are going to stick to your rules, and are willing to deal with the consequences.
good luck.

 

[ame]

Ok, so I made DH read this thread last night. After he and I shared a good giggle at my comment, he got introspective about this. He really thought about some useful advice, since I am really not joking when I say you are raising my husband. He tried to joke that his mom and dad had it easy raising him in the 70s and 80s because there were no i-Devices involved, just computer games, consoles and board/card/dice games. There are days I am about to steal his iPad and hurl it to the floor. But then I realize I have insurance on it and he'll just be able to replace it...

His best advice from someone that still hasn't made it out of that addiction (I did warn him the pillow threat is still imminent, and we shared a laugh. Mine was only half joking ), is really that you need to cut it off NOW, for good. And really you're going to have to punish everyone because of it. You kind of missed the window on any sort of control or enforcement going in your favor by allowing him access how you did for this long. You can always make the password and login one he cannot access, but eventually he'll figure it out, or set up some kind of keylogging app in there to record it and then will circumvent your private logins. So you have to make it simply so NO ONE gets access to internet or service til it's curbed entirely. And delete/uninstall all games from the computer/devices so he can't access them. There's a way on the iPhone/iPod/iPad that you can set restrictions on stuff, downloading apps for instance, and it's passcode protected for changes. Not sure which games he plays, but if it's subscription based, he obviously doesn't have a credit card and you can take care of that immediately. If there's a giftcard involved, that you can't do much about. WW4 will ensue. You're just going to have to weather that.

He's 3 years from 18, 3 years from being out of your house and on his own in the eyes of the law. When he's 18 and on his own, he can get himself a job and pay his own way to do this gaming crap. When he is on the hook to pay for it and deal with it, he will get it through his head (or not) that he has to do adult things like study and work in order to do pay for his kid things like games. DH said that it really took his parents cutting him off entirely at 18 and nearly failing out of school (he was on scholarship for grades) for him to get it through his head.

When we met he was living in a little apartment, working long hours, and then would spend his free time playing this (idiotic) computer game. He had a HUGE savings because he simply paid for the rent and utilities, a few groceries and toiletries and household cleaners like laundry detergent, his game subscription and expansion packs and car insurance. He never did much of anything besides game. He'd occasionally hang out with his friends that also are gamers, and they'd have a board/card/dice game night. Not much has really changed, except that now I spend all our money and we live in a house and I want to yank the plug out of that f'ing computer and beat him pretty much all the time when I come home from work (he works from home lucky bastard) and find the dishes still not loaded or unloaded into or out of the dishwasher. He's also created a MONSTER with my nephew now too, that I am sure his sister is just elated about. He introduced him to a game on the iPad and now the only thing that my nephew wants to do when we're all together is play that game. He's like where's Uncle DH? Did he bring his iPad? I wanna play it.

This will be a battle with you for a LONG TIME. It's still a battle with my MIL and DH, and it's a battle with DH and myself. I really hope you can cut it off and stick to it without caving.

 

[LaraOnline]

This thread is making me really nervous. My son is just turned 7 and lives for his devices!!

 

[luv2sparkle]

We have been dealing with much of the same issues, except our son didn't have the excellent grades yours did to begin with.

I didn't get him a phone for the longest time. I think he was 15. This past fall, I got him an iphone. I did this because his school has a service that he can look up grades, assignments and other school related important information. It was only available for iphone.

Then one night he left the house very late. I could no longer trust him (longer story but I will be brief) I told him I would be putting monitoring software on his phone and checking it. I did. I really didn't like what I was seeing. Texting friends constantly when he should have been doing homework, and at 2 am, and during class. I also found him not really doing the work and having him have friends send him assignments. At this point, I am getting angrier and angrier. The focus wasn't on school, it was on the dumb phone. He had an xbox
system and he and his friends would play live for hours. Again, schoolwork needed to come first. It wasn't.

Basically, his phone was being used for mostly negative things in my opinion. We took the phone early december. His girlfriend gave him and ipod to be able to text her on. I took that after I found him lying to me about it. I refused to give him money to buy gifts this year.
He decided to sell his xbox, which he did. He really wanted the new one and of course, we refused. We also removed the TV from his room so he could not watch movies until 2 am.

So he has no phone (really hasn't been a problem since all his friends have them). No gaming system in his room, no t.v.

His semester grades were much better. He now watches tv downstairs and we actually see him. He has to use our main computer.

He is my fifth child. In my opinion, kids get in a lot less trouble without all the technology. It is much harder to hide stuff from the parents. Not that they can't, my others did. But they weren't used to technology as much. My youngest, is so dependent upon it, as are his peers, they almost don't know how to contact each other without it. The phone hardly rings. I am ok with that! He is much more focused on school now.

He still hangs out with friends and does stuff with them. He just went snowboarding (and broke his wrist). He goes to friends houses that I know the parents. I really have no problem being this strict. I have one son who went a path that is tragic and I will do whatever it takes to not let #5 go down that path. My other son made his own choices and we did everything we could to stop/change it, but the choices were his own.

Phones and gaming systems are a privilege not a right. His is not entitled to have all those things, they are earned, in my opinion. Making a kid earn stuff with good behavior and good grades never hurt a single one.

I guess you pushed my button because we are right there with you.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Begonia, can I just add that you need to wrap your head around this problem. I don't mean that as a criticism in any way. We love our kids so we want to give to them. It is joy for us as parents and we do it from our hearts. It helps to take your heart out of it and only think with your head. What is best for the long term outcome. He may not like you for a while, and that is hard. But he will grow up and appreciate you again. I have seen it with my other kids. What I hear is that this is hurting your heart and that is where you are struggling. You have to set your sweet giving heart aside and do the thing that will help him to be the young man you know he can be, even if it makes your house really tense for a while. And it probably will. You can live through that and the results will be worth it.

And as in my case, with one child, if they choose a path that you are not happy with, you will know that you did everything you possibly could. I don't think that is the case with your son. I am just saying that because it is my case.

 

[ame]

I want to make sure you don't think my post was ridiculously harsh. DH wrote a lot of that, because honestly, SERIOUSLY, this was him, this IS him now still. This is an addiction, these games are MADE to be addictive. He knows that and readily admits that and calls himself a sucker, and is so proud of his gaming accomplishments (he actually played Magic competitively and won some big competitions...not sure if we should be proud of that or ashamed LOL) Personally, I don't care if DH plays his games as long as it's not interfering with other plans/work, but I care that things like the dishes--the one freaking task he is expected to accomplish in this house--don't get done and that's a serious point of contention in our house. He's been known to let them pile up FOR WEEKS sometimes before I finally lose my ish and do them myself, and then another fight will break out because "he was just about to do them." Uh huh, sure you were. I can commiserate with his mom, who couldn't figure out how to nip him in the bud, but I married a man who wouldn't and won't do anything he doesn't WANT to do. So if he WANTS to game, he's gonna game, come hell or high water. And you have the chance now to cut that cord so I really hope you can cut it and spare all of you later issues. We both, we ALL, wish you the best of luck and all the support in the world on this.

 

[Stephny691]

Can I just say as someone who was an awful teenager and put my parents through hell? The only thing I wish, was that they had been harder on me. When your son is 30 he's not going to turn around and say 'you taking my computer off me ruined my life'. He'll see you did what you had to in order to help him, help himself. Yeah it might mean WW3 now, but really how much is that going to compare to the rest of his life? Do the hard thing, do it now.

I was obnoxious when I was a teen, but I like to think I'm quite a pleasant, hard-working person now, so they do grow out of it this apathetic attitude, however; he may not grow out of playing games, my OH never did, and he's 26 now. But his gaming never interfered with his studies; he just chose not to study!

ame: I think our OH's are the same person! My OH is a fanatical gamer, but he lucked out with me, because I like watching him play games and I play some of them too, so his gaming has never bothered me. Mine does do the dishes though!

One last thought- if he loves gaming, why don't you see if you can get him interested in making games, and doing courses outside of school for that? He's still learning, but it would be in a field that interested him, could be a good after school activity?

 

[ame]

Can I just say as someone who was an awful teenager and put my parents through hell? The only thing I wish, was that they had been harder on me. When your son is 30 he's not going to turn around and say 'you taking my computer off me ruined my life'. He'll see you did what you had to in order to help him, help himself. Yeah it might mean WW3 now, but really how much is that going to compare to the rest of his life? Do the hard thing, do it now.

I was obnoxious when I was a teen, but I like to think I'm quite a pleasant, hard-working person now, so they do grow out of it this apathetic attitude, however; he may not grow out of playing games, my OH never did, and he's 26 now. But his gaming never interfered with his studies; he just chose not to study!

ame: I think our OH's are the same person! My OH is a fanatical gamer, but he lucked out with me, because I like watching him play games and I play some of them too, so his gaming has never bothered me. Mine does do the dishes though!

One last thought- if he loves gaming, why don't you see if you can get him interested in making games, and doing courses outside of school for that? He's still learning, but it would be in a field that interested him, could be a good after school activity?

LOL I am not super interested in gaming, or watching him game. It's just of NO interest to me at all. But I am supportive of him doing it, I odn't mind him going to Cons or whatever either. He and his buddies usually go to at least one a year. He's been trying to get me to go with them to GenCon because they finally set up a thing that would be "wife appropriate" with spa activities but if Im not gonna see him in another city ever, I'll just stay home!

 

[distracts]

Can I just say as someone who was an awful teenager and put my parents through hell? The only thing I wish, was that they had been harder on me. .... Yeah it might mean WW3 now, but really how much is that going to compare to the rest of his life? Do the hard thing, do it now.

Yep, this. My parents didn't have the stomach for tough parenting with me, and it definitely shows. They always said they just wanted me to be happy, and didn't want to "interfere with my happiness" by making me do work, or whatever. I got my shit together eventually but it took until my mid-twenties, whereas my brother, who was raised differently despite being just a few years younger, always had his shit together.