Do you think people can change?

[Lilac]

Do you believe people can change who they are? I don''t mean learning new things, or changing how they feel about certain topics. I mean changing fundamentally who they are as a person. Do you think a selfish person can become generous and giving? Do you think a bad self-centered friend can become a good friend who truly cares about others? Do you think an untrustworthy person can change into someone you can really trust?

Does it matter the age of the person? For example, if someone was self-centered and toxic when they were in high school, do you think they could change during college? Do you think certain life events can change a person''s basic characteristics and personality traits - for example, getting married or having a baby?

And if you believe people can change - do you think they can change entirely or will some part of their former "bad" traits remain inside somewhere?

I am asking for a specific reason but I would rather hear peoples'' general opinions on the topic rather than hear advice on my specific friend/situation.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know people can certainly change for the worst, learned that the hard way recently. I also know people can change for the better My husband isn''t quite the same person he was in high school. He is more happy go lucky, optimistic, etc.

 

[Maisie]

I don''t think it''s possible. If someone is incredibly selfish and self centered I don''t think they will change. I have learned a hard lesson hoping for this exact thing and it''s never going to happen.

 

[Novel]

I''m with smurfy. I know people can change for the worse, but what it made me wonder when it happened to me was if that person had actually always been that way and hid it well, then cracked. Which made me think that barring some enormous life changing event (yes, maybe having kids or losing someone close to you), that people don''t change. The way they handle things or their awarenesses, maybe, but not the core aspects of who someone is.

I guess it breaks down, for me, to whether I think the way I''m being treated by someone is something they''re doing or if its who they are. If its an action, they can learn to not act that way (if they want to). If its who they are, the way they see the world, not gonna change.

 

[elle_chris]

I''m not sure. I''ve had one toxic friend since childhood. Now that we''re adults, all I''ve been hearing for years is how she''s changed. But everytime we get together, it''s the same old craziness. Each time I point it out to her I get "but this situation is different, blah blah blah". She doesn''t even see how she''s exactly the same.

I''d like to think that people can change for the better, I''ve just never seen it.

 

[Arkteia]

I believe that young people can change; the brain develops at least till 16. Sometimes very narcissistic kids get much better when they are removed from their families.

We are also taught that some personality traits, e.g. borderline, antisocial - "burn out" with age.

Personally, however, I have observed that main character traits actually become more pronounced as people age. If a person has been kind - her or she is becoming more kind. If a person is narcissistic - it is only going to get worse. If a person was not too generous in youth - he or she is becoming stingy with age. Traits related to mental illness (e.g. anger in a person with bipolar disorder) - may get much better with treatment but I believe this is not what you are asking about.

Very angry guys can get better after "male menopause" because the level of testosterone drops down - but again, it is pure biology and, as I suspect, not related to your situation.

 

[LilyKat]

Yes, they can and they do. It tends to be more likely if the person is younger (psychologists generally say that personality isn't fully developed until your early/mid-twenties), and after experiencing serious life events. I know a number of people who were pretty unpleasant at school who have mellowed with age and are now perfectly fine to be around.

What you can't do is COUNT on someone changing, or make them change. Maisie is right - a person who is selfish and cruel won't change just because you want them to. What I'm saying is that they can - if THEY want to, and if they work hard at it. So, I'll give people second chances - but you can bet I'll keep my guard up until they convince me the change is real.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think that if a person cares enough about those around them, they can learn to be more aware of their behavior and change it but not necessarily change themselves.

For example, I had one of those self-centered friends. When she and I had a huge blowout I mentioned that she''s self-centered and never takes the time to ask how others are doing or listen to what''s going on in their lives. She was hurt by this comment and spoke about it to various friends of hers (cause that''s what self-centered people do) and they all said the same thing but in nicer words.

Now she checks herself. When we chat she''ll interrupt my story to tell hers and in the middle of her story she''ll go "I''m sorry that was really rude of me, please finish your story"

So she''s still all about her but she''s more aware of it and trys to correct herself when she realizes she''s doing it.

 

[zhuzhu]

I don''t think that people can change in fundamentals after the age of 20.

They may change their belief due to a religious encounter or a life-changing event, but the personality traits and gut-response are pretty much a part of someone once they become adults.

 

[Indylady]

I think that people can, and do change. However, I also think that its hard to do, and that it takes a significant amount of effort and self awareness to recognize that you aren''t the person you want to be, and that you have to take steps to be the person you want to be. Sometimes it takes an event like another poster mentioned, a moment of growing up, change in maturity, etc.

That being said, its also difficult to answer such a broad question without any specific information available. A person''s basic characteristics? I think that people have the capability to take on many characteristics, selfishness and selflessness included. It depends on priorities; maybe their totem pole of priorities has changed.

I tend to stay in if I have work to do even if my friends are having a party or going out; is that selfish? To some extent, I think that it is. But, I have to maintain a GPA for a scholarship, and for grad school too. It doesn''t I don''t care about that particular friend or that party...it just means that I have a certain priorities I need to stay on top of. If they had an emergency, I''d certainly drop school for them. Parties and fun events, not so much.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Yes, I know people can change though it usually happens after an eye opening life experience.

 

[princesss]

Nope.




I''d elaborate, but really, that says it all.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 2/23/2010 6:42:58 PM
Author: crasru
I believe that young people can change; the brain develops at least till 16. Sometimes very narcissistic kids get much better when they are removed from their families.

We are also taught that some personality traits, e.g. borderline, antisocial - ''burn out'' with age.

Personally, however, I have observed that main character traits actually become more pronounced as people age. If a person has been kind - her or she is becoming more kind. If a person is narcissistic - it is only going to get worse. If a person was not too generous in youth - he or she is becoming stingy with age. Traits related to mental illness (e.g. anger in a person with bipolar disorder) - may get much better with treatment but I believe this is not what you are asking about.

Very angry guys can get better after ''male menopause'' because the level of testosterone drops down - but again, it is pure biology and, as I suspect, not related to your situation.

I agree with crasru. Thoughts, feelings and behaviors can change. I don''t think that the underlying personality structure can change after a certain point in development.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I KNOW people can change. I am living proof. I used to be SO shy as a child. I was too timid to call my friends or say hi to classmates when we bumped into them. I remember hiding behind my mom. My mom used to say I tried to "blend in with the woodwork." One day I realized that people thought I was a snob rather than shy. That the outgoing kids had WAY more fun and being shy was really lonely. I changed. I worked hard to become more friendly, outgoing, social. I still revert sometimes to the shy little girl. I think my change happened in High School. I went to a small school which also helped push me out of my shell.

I know I am still changing. I am trying to be a better person with a healthier outlook about life. I think we are all a work in progress. But change has to come from within. I am amazed how many people think they are perfect and ignore the dysfunction around them. Awareness has to be taught IMHO. Change is very difficult and is a long process. If your self-centered, toxic friend realized this, became aware of her patterns of dysfunction, had a STONG desire/motivation to change, worked hard, yes change can happen. I think it comes with maturity not necessarily life events. But then again they can be motivating factors. If someone is unhappy with their personality they can change.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

They say men marry women, hoping they will never change; and women marry men, hoping that they do.

 

[somethingshiny]

I think SOME people can change. DH and I have both changed a lot!! But, I know that neither of our fathers ever will.

What''s the difference? I think it''s because DH and I could recognize our own shortcomings and CHOSE to do something about it. Others just accept their circumstances for what they are.

Thoughts, feelings and behaviors make up your personality. If a person is willing to try a new way of thinking, feeling or behaving, they should be able to change.

There are some characteristic I don''t think can be changed. Empathy, compassion, honesty. These are things that you either have or you don''t.

 

[perry]

People can change if they want to. Usually its a long process.

Sometimes in a major life crises - they can change a lot in a short period of time.

Perry

 

[MissGotRocks]

Date: 2/23/2010 6:44:47 PM
Author: zhuzhu
I don''t think that people can change in fundamentals after the age of 20.

They may change their belief due to a religious encounter or a life-changing event, but the personality traits and gut-response are pretty much a part of someone once they become adults.

Agreed.

 

[rierie26]

I think people can change. It''s probably very easy to change for the worst, but ridiculously hard to change for the better. If someone wanted to change for the better, they would probably have to be very self-aware and might even have to work with a therapist to permanently change.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I think people can change if they really want to. But I think the best change comes when God changes their heart and gives them a new one.

 

[JSM]

Very rarely, and then only if they have to.

 

[purrfectpear]

People can change if they are internally motivated to do so. I think there are more people who "try" to change and are ultimately unsuccessful, than those who succeed in the effort.

 

[April20]

Absolutely I think people can change, but I believe that they have to have a focus and a reason to do it. I don''t know that I believe the someone that is incredibily selfish or brutish as a teenager will magically outgrow it. I don''t think we make changes with age and osmosis. I strongly feel that overcoming the way we were involves putting on the "new personality" and working every single day to NOT be the person that we were and no longer want to be.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

No and yes...my hubby of 23 years has not changed in the way that would change our marriage the most for the better(he''s a workaholic, self-centered and fairly selfish-emotionally, NOT in other ways). He has softened and we both have a sense of humor which has probably kept us together. I, however, HAVE changed and for the better. I am becoming less of a people pleaser, and much more content with who I am(a loving, a compassionate, much more selfless person than hubby) I also no longer gives a rat''s a** what dh thinks about me at times, which has helped immensely(cuz he''s too selfish to notice anyway). So, I guess it depends on the person and frankly, if they desire or are willing to change. I believe if you are not changing, even in minute ways, then are you really growing as a person?...

 

[Haven]

I think people can change. It depends on how open they are to allowing life''s experience affect the way they think about and interact with the world, but I think people can change.

I firmly believe that education is change. As we are exposed to ideas, beliefs, experiences, and people who change the way we think or what we think, we change.

My favorite teacher used to say "If you don''t look back at your old self every five years or so and think ''Man, I was such a dork!'' you''re no longer growing." I like that.

Concrete example: I know that I am much more compassionate now as a 29 year old than I was as a 25 year old. I''m also more kind.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think people can change - but only if it is truly self motivated. There has to be an intense and unobstructed inner desire to do so. Maybe the change isn''t hugely radical - but it can be life altering.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/24/2010 2:52:50 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
I think people can change - but only if it is truly self motivated. There has to be an intense and unobstructed inner desire to do so. Maybe the change isn''t hugely radical - but it can be life altering.

Ditto.

 

[bee*]

I think if they really want to change, and they want to do it for themselves, they can. If they are trying to change for someone else I don''t think they can do it.

 

[elrohwen]

Not really. I'm sure, every once and a while, someone realizes the error of their ways and tries to change. However, I think that 99% of people do not change who they fundamentally are, no matter how many times they tell you that they will change.

eta: I was only thinking of people over the age of 20 - I do think a lot of people grow up between high school and being an adult. I don't really consider that "change" though ... just growing up and not being a PITA teenager

 

[purselover]

Yes

DH used to be one of the most selfish people you could imagine when we started dating (we were 16 though) and now while he still has some selfish tendencies he is nowhere near the person he had been.

In college I was pretty materialistic and shallow - now friends who see me can''t believe what a different person I am