Bad Manners - PT 2 - Late People

[MichelleCarmen]

So, I had said before a big pet peeve of mine is when someone is late and today I experienced it with a person and this led me to wondering how late does a person have to be, say for meeting up for tea/coffee, before you reach the point of "screw this," and get up and leave? This is with the understanding that the person you'd be meeting up with:

a) has a cellphone and can text or call you to let you know she's running late, but doesn't do so,
b) is aware you are on a time schedule, and
c) she was the one who picked the day, time, and location.

What is the time frame of granting the person a bit of slack vs. feeling like the person is being rude/clearly not respecting that you have other things to do?

 

[movie zombie]

15 minutes.....
but then i'm always early and always call when i'm going to be 5 minutes late.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

15 minutes.....
but then i'm always early and always call when i'm going to be 5 minutes late.

Fifteen min was when I started to become annoyed. At 25 min, I left and went to my car and was about to leave and she pulled in around 30 min after our planned time. I should have just left, huh? I feel like I enabled her bc I went back in with her. She never apologized or mentioned her being late.

 

[AprilBaby]

I'm an early bird, I arrive 15 min early for everything. I used to have a friend (or was she?) who routinely showed up 30 -45 min late, never apologized. It drove me nuts. It made me wonder if she valued the friendship since she had no respect for my time. I had no balls then. Luckily she moved away. I have no tolerance after 15 min unless you text me you had an emergency.

 

[marcy]

I'd be annoyed at 15 minutes and probably leave in 20 minutes. If someone is always late I eventually just stop agreeing to meet them at lunch time when time is a concern.

 

[asscherisme]

I'd be annoyed at 15 minutes and probably leave in 20 minutes. If someone is always late I eventually just stop agreeing to meet them at lunch time when time is a concern.

I could have written this.

 

[Trekkie]

LOL! None of you would last five minutes in Africa...

Whenever Americans come over I'm reminded anew of the fact that we have our own time here. When I'm meeting up with locals I usually request that they text me before they leave so that I know when to expect them, because I know if I ask when we're meeting I'll be told anything from "just now" to "now now" to "namhlanje" (today). Time just means something very different out here.

When meeting up with friends from Europe or the US I'm habitually 5 minutes early, purely to forestall complaints about "African time"!

 

[Mayk]

My very first boss told me... "Early is on time and on time is late"... I've always tired to live by it.. plan for the unexpected shows respect for other's time... I'm trying to teach my 15 year old this... which is nearly impossible.. but she did get left one day when we were going shopping, so she does pay better attention now.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Good question. I generally give people 15, 20 at the most before I get up and leave. My shrink is chronically late and I' outta there if it's more than 20 minutes. His attitude was "well, what do you have to d that's more important?" because I'm unemloyed {ok, retired}. My answer was get your time management under control as this is a chronic probem.

Big mistake. He's retiring next month!

 

[House Cat]

Good question. I generally give people 15, 20 at the most before I get up and leave. My shrink is chronically late and I' outta there if it's more than 20 minutes. His attitude was "well, what do you have to d that's more important?" because I'm unemloyed {ok, retired}. My answer was get your time management under control as this is a chronic probem.

Big mistake. He's retiring next month!

Good luck on finding a great shrink with better time management skills!


I have found that I can never hold doctors to the same standards of timeliness as I do "real people." Which is actually ironic because if I am more than 15 minutes late for an appointment, they will cancel on me, but it is perfectly fine for them to keep me waiting for 45 minutes!!!


I can't be late. It causes me too much anxiety. I used to be chronically late when I was young, not terribly late, but about 5 minutes all of the time. Then I realized how being late made me feel. Oh goodness, the bone crushing anxiety that went along with rushing around like that. So I quit. Now, I'm at least 15 minutes early wherever I go.

I do have one friend and one family member who are chronically late. The family member is told to arrive anywhere at least an hour earlier than anyone else and she still manages to be a half hour late. The friend, well, I've just lowered my expectations. I love her. I'm not ending the friendship over this.

 

[kgizo]

If it is a workday 10 min, otherwise 15-20 min and I expect a call. It's troubling that she didn't apologize and doesn't see it as a problem. I had a friend who constantly ran late and I told her I couldn't meet during the week anymore bc I couldn't risk being late for work. She has kids and I travel most weekends so we see each other much less, but we aren't frustrated with each other. I always pick a place to meet where I can walk around or run an errand in case she's late.

 

[Dee*Jay]

As a real estate agent who does a lot of city business, the properties I take clients to see are often very close together (sometimes literally only a few blocks from one another). I set appointments every 20 minutes in those scenarios. Agents get 10 minutes and then I leave. If I waited more than that I would be late for the NEXT agent who may (miraculously) be on-time. I am very explicit whenI make appointments that I run a TIGHT schedule and sticking to our appointment time is important, and I also do call at the 8 minute mark and let them know I need to be moving on SOON. You wouldn't believe how p!ssed off agents get over a request for on-time performance. Ironically, when I am on time (or more often: EARLY) agents frequently comment on how refreshing it is!

 

[kalomeli]

I'd be annoyed at 15 minutes and probably leave in 20 minutes. If someone is always late I eventually just stop agreeing to meet them at lunch time when time is a concern.

I could have written this.

+1

This is timely thread for me since I'm ashamed that I was late today from meeting a friend for coffee. Fortunately I was forgiven since I sent a message about 45 min earlier that I wouldn't be able to make it there exactly at 3 pm.

If you're late then send a damn message! People today have their phones with them all the time - use them!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If it is a workday 10 min, otherwise 15-20 min and I expect a call. It's troubling that she didn't apologize and doesn't see it as a problem. I had a friend who constantly ran late and I told her I couldn't meet during the week anymore bc I couldn't risk being late for work. She has kids and I travel most weekends so we see each other much less, but we aren't frustrated with each other. I always pick a place to meet where I can walk around or run an errand in case she's late.

Yep, that's what bothering me, as well. I went back and re-read her text about meeting time/location and she for sure said noon. It really appeared to be a passive aggressive gesture showing our meeting up wasn't a priority. She runs a business and I seriously doubt she'd be 1/2 hour late for any of those meetings.

It bugs me because I raced over there to be there on time and when she did arrive, she casually got out of her car like she had all the time in the world.

It's not like I'm over-booked 24/7...some days are busy, others are not...but I *never* have time for B.S.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I'd be annoyed at 15 minutes and probably leave in 20 minutes. If someone is always late I eventually just stop agreeing to meet them at lunch time when time is a concern.

I could have written this.

+1

This is timely thread for me since I'm ashamed that I was late today from meeting a friend for coffee. Fortunately I was forgiven since I sent a message about 45 min earlier that I wouldn't be able to make it there exactly at 3 pm.

If you're late then send a damn message! People today have their phones with them all the time - use them!!

You sent a message and that is what matters. Your message showed you cared and were considerate and it also provided the friend with an option to change the date if they had other things they needed to do.

If the person had contacted me and told me she'd be 1/2 hour late, I could have left and gone to the store and grabbed food for dinner. I had a cooler in my car b/c I had timed it to meet for coffee then grab food at the store for dinner (before school got out) so I would have time to spend with my son before he left for practice. Instead, I ended up having to leave my son at home and run the errands after school so I missed that time with my kids (and now that my kids are growing older, I realize how much those precious few minutes count). ETA - keep in mind I drove over an hour round trip to meet up with her. It's not like it was just down the road for me. She said she'd be just down the road from the place she picked to meet up.

 

[rubyshoes]

DH and I both come from families that are crazy punctual. I know most habitual latecomers just think we're crazy. Neither of us has any patience for people who're perennially late. The exception is a close friend of ours who is always a minimum of 30 minutes late to anything. Fortunately, this is her only flaw and so we can shut up and deal with it. Anyone else, and we'd drop them like a hot potato. I do have one rule with this person - I never carpool with her and if we're both going to a movie or a show, I insist we buy tickets separately because I have no intention of missing the first 30 minutes of something.

I LOATHE latecomers as a general rule. All they ever do is make excuses to cover up the fact that they don't really care about your time.

 

[amc80]

Good question. I generally give people 15, 20 at the most before I get up and leave. My shrink is chronically late and I' outta there if it's more than 20 minutes. His attitude was "well, what do you have to d that's more important?" because I'm unemloyed {ok, retired}. My answer was get your time management under control as this is a chronic probem.

Big mistake. He's retiring next month!

I just "fired" my OBGYN for this reason. Except she was always 60+ minutes late. When I told her this was part of the reason for me switching practices, she said that she knows she's late and it's because she likes to spend time with each patient and address all of their concerns. Um, then how about not booking such a full schedule? Annoying.

 

[yennyfire]

It's one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm always 5 min. early because I'd so much rather be early than late. It's just disrespectful of other people's time...of course, anyone can be late once or twice...life does happen, but chronic lateness drives me batty!

DH and I almost didn't have a third date because of this. He *appeared* to be late for our first date (turns out we were waiting at different entrances) and was late for our second date. I told him if he wanted a third date, he'd never be late again (without a really good reason....and traffic wasn't a good enough reason!)...he was never late again!

 

[iLander]

Just so everyone knows, the tendency of someone to be constantly late is a control issue. Plain and simple.

The person with the lateness habit is trying to control their environment and the people they interact with. It's subconscious and they have no idea they are doing it deliberately.

Even if they set the time, and "just can't make it, somehow", they are in control and you are waiting for them. They are in charge now, because you are waiting and nothing happens until they show up.

It's a very common psychological issue (look it up!), and only deep therapy will fix it, because it is tied to deeper issues.

MC, I would express my displeasure, and not let them slide, just for my own mental health.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Just so everyone knows, the tendency of someone to be constantly late is a control issue. Plain and simple.

The person with the lateness habit is trying to control their environment and the people they interact with. It's subconscious and they have no idea they are doing it deliberately.

Even if they set the time, and "just can't make it, somehow", they are in control and you are waiting for them. They are in charge now, because you are waiting and nothing happens until they show up.

It's a very common psychological issue (look it up!), and only deep therapy will fix it, because it is tied to deeper issues.

MC, I would express my displeasure, and not let them slide, just for my own mental health.

She's a relative of my husband. I always dump toxic people, if possible, but DH doesn't do that with relatives. A few years ago, the same relative did some crappy stuff to me and I confronted her and another relative said my comments resulted in major drama. I'm not sure what happened bc the sources who told us tend to create stories and we never know what is true. I thought things might have changed, but just like w/every other person I've avoided then reunited, she pulled the same stunts

I'm just not going to host Thanksgiving. There was some hinting, but I didn't take the bait.

 

[Kaleigh]

I didn't read all the reponses... I am one to be early. Being late to anything isn't me. I think think people that are late are rude and don't value your time....

I lost a very good friend to this.. We had a date to go to the zoo. I was preggo with my son, DD was 15 months and it was my day off. She called after 2 hours saying she was on her way to my house.. I was like hell no... DD is alseep now, we waited for you most of the morning. Her excuse was she went to the store to buy juice boxes.. I was like are you kidding me, we can buy that at the Zoo...She hung up on me.. Best thing ever.. Because she was super passive aggressive and treated me like crap since the 3rd grade...

Not taking this the toxic thing.. Like above..

But your friend clearly didn't apologize for her lateness. That is key....

ETA: My friend had 2 girls, older and could have certainly gotten something to drink at the Zoo than hold me up all day.. I think she called me at 1:00PM saying she was on her way...

 

[iLander]

Just so everyone knows, the tendency of someone to be constantly late is a control issue. Plain and simple.

The person with the lateness habit is trying to control their environment and the people they interact with. It's subconscious and they have no idea they are doing it deliberately.

Even if they set the time, and "just can't make it, somehow", they are in control and you are waiting for them. They are in charge now, because you are waiting and nothing happens until they show up.

It's a very common psychological issue (look it up!), and only deep therapy will fix it, because it is tied to deeper issues.

MC, I would express my displeasure, and not let them slide, just for my own mental health.

She's a relative of my husband. I always dump toxic people, if possible, but DH doesn't do that with relatives. A few years ago, the same relative did some crappy stuff to me and I confronted her and another relative said my comments resulted in major drama. I'm not sure what happened bc the sources who told us tend to create stories and we never know what is true. I thought things might have changed, but just like w/every other person I've avoided then reunited, she pulled the same stunts

I'm just not going to host Thanksgiving. There was some hinting, but I didn't take the bait.

Me, neither! I'm over it!

Wait, I've got to start a thread about this . . .

 

[luv2sparkle]

Just so everyone knows, the tendency of someone to be constantly late is a control issue. Plain and simple.

The person with the lateness habit is trying to control their environment and the people they interact with. It's subconscious and they have no idea they are doing it deliberately.

Even if they set the time, and "just can't make it, somehow", they are in control and you are waiting for them. They are in charge now, because you are waiting and nothing happens until they show up.

It's a very common psychological issue (look it up!), and only deep therapy will fix it, because it is tied to deeper issues.

MC, I would express my displeasure, and not let them slide, just for my own mental health.

My BIL is a master at this. He will come 4 hours late for thanksgiving dinner, or any dinner and DH parents will never say anything about it. When we hosted a dinner at a restaurant in LA when my son graduated from college they came 2 hours late (and they live in LA). When I made a comment about showing up on time when someone else is footing the bill, they were mad at me and told DH I should never say anything like that again!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I'm always a few minutes early, or right on time. If not, I pull over and text the person I'm meeting to give them an ETA.

-My boss is chronically 15 minutes late (minimum) late for every meeting----no one has confronted her about it, even though we can't stand it. We just start without her, and we have to rehash everything again when she gets there. She's the boss

-My brother and sister-in-law are chronically 1 hour late to everything, so if I invite them to dinner, and expect to eat at 7PM....I tell them dinner is at 6! I've told my brother how much it bothers me, but never expressed my annoyance to SIL. If we are meeting them anywhere to eat, I tell my husband and kids to take their time, and we still beat them to the restaurant.

-I have one co-worker who is always late to every meeting and lunch etc. We just leave without her, and she catches up later.

 

[Dee*Jay]

jaysonsmom's post reminded me that when I worked at G0ldman Sach$ EVERY meeting started 15 minutes late because that's when people finally wandered into the conference room. It was referred to as "G0ldman time."

 

[April20]

I try very hard to be on time, especially when I am meeting other people. IMO, in the days of cell phones, there is NO excuse for not letting someone know if you're going to be late. Period. End of discussion.

Years ago, before everyone had a cell phone, I had a friend that was chronically late. We lived a couple ours apart at the time and agreed to meet halfway for dinner. I arrived on time. She wasn't there. There was a long wait for a table so I wasn't concerned. I waited. Our name was called. She wasn't there. I told them to put us back on. I waited. They called us again. I really wanted to see her, so I had them out us back on. The third time they called us, I told the restaurant I was leaving and if she showed up, to relay the message that this time, she was just too late. I drove 30 mins back to my parents and shortly after I arrived, she called. She was over TWO HOURS late and was surprised I wasn't there. It taught me that I valued our friendship more than she did. I vowed that day that I would never, ever do something like that to anyone else. It's rude and insensitive.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks everyone for your input... Sorry you all have had to deal with rude people. Reading your stories of people two hrs late just astounds me. My mom was like that, but I've never had a friend be that late. Either way, it sounds like 20 min is a good time limit unless the person normally is on time or has a decent reason - juice boxes for sure not being one.

 

[TC1987]

I'd be annoyed at 15 minutes and probably leave in 20 minutes. If someone is always late I eventually just stop agreeing to meet them at lunch time when time is a concern.

The ones that annoy me are the people who are consistently late for home-cooked meals. My sister is one of those. We've even let her choose the time, say 2PM for a holiday dinner in the hope that she'd actually show up on time and not hold up everyone else. But no luck. She and her kids are 45 minutes to 1-2 hours late, every time. My mother served them Kentucky Fried Chicken at the last gathering, because she's tired of knocking herself out to cook a superb dinner and then the food is all dried out or lesser quality when it's finally served an hour and a half after the target. Chronically late people are disrespectful and irresponsible and inconsiderate.

 

[TooPatient]

DH works for a big company where work schedules are pretty flexible. No one really cares if you start work at 7am or 9am or 11am. Doesn't matter. He shows up for all meetings anywhere from 10 minutes early to on time and is always the first person there. He actually started just watching for the guy in the office next to him to leave for the meeting since he is a management person and the meeting won't start without him. Meetings routinely start 10 - 15 minutes late and sometimes even later than that.

I HATE being late and do what I can to avoid it. When I can't help it, I make every effort to reach the person and let them know. I expect the same courtesy. I'd say 10 minutes patiently waiting and maybe another 10 (depending on who it is) and then I'm gone.

Doctors are different....
I always schedule an extra hour to hour and a half after an appointment to make sure we aren't late for something when a doctor leaves us waiting. We show up 15 minutes early with paperwork completed. Some days we get in on time and others we are left sitting for an hour. (so for a 7:00 appointment, we show up no later than 6:45 and I anticipate 7-8 appointment then leave 8-9+ completely open)

 

[missy]

The ones that annoy me are the people who are consistently late for home-cooked meals. My sister is one of those. We've even let her choose the time, say 2PM for a holiday dinner in the hope that she'd actually show up on time and not hold up everyone else. But no luck. She and her kids are 45 minutes to 1-2 hours late, every time. My mother served them Kentucky Fried Chicken at the last gathering, because she's tired of knocking herself out to cook a superb dinner and then the food is all dried out or lesser quality when it's finally served an hour and a half after the target. Chronically late people are disrespectful and irresponsible and inconsiderate.

Easy fix for this. We always serve drinks and hor d'oeuvres for when people arrive so there is food and alcohol for everyone's enjoyment and we serve the main course a few hours later. So everyone is there for that. We never ask people to come and serve the main meal immediately. Seems too rushed that way anyway. However, if you are just inviting people over for dinner right after the workday well then just serve the people who arrived on time and any latecomers can heat up the leftovers IMO. I wouldn't keep others waiting because of the inconsiderate behavior of some.