Whose career is most important?

[Elmorton]

How did/do you and your partner decide career moves?

I''m curious because DH and I are both in fields where jobs are pretty sparse. When I finished grad school, he started the job hunt because he was ready to move up from where he was. Very soon he found a better job, and so I followed him to the city where we currently live.

However, the situation has pretty much flip-flopped. When I graduated, I really didn''t have enough on my resume to compete in the job market, so it made sense for us to make decisions based on DH''s career. However, I''ve gained enough part-time experience that I think I could be a solid candidate for a full-time position in my field, but that would likely mean moving (unless I wait for a wave of retirement here - estimate on that is a couple of years).

Since I have a higher earning potential, it makes sense for us to move to a place where there''s a job for me. But...I''m so proud of DH and I can''t imagine him doing anything other than what he does (which he probably couldn''t do if we just picked up and moved). I know he feels the same way - he truly, truly loves his job. I suppose that''s one respect where we''re very lucky - we both absolutely love what we do. But, it makes the decision-making process a lot harder.

So I guess my question is more specifically, do you make decisions based solely on the bottom line (who earns more?) or do other factors come into play?

 

[Haven]

This is tough, El, especially since you''re in academia where jobs are sparse, and it sounds like your DH is in field with similar prospects.

I do believe being happy in one''s career is important. We spend so many hours at work, or at home thinking about and doing work, that if you''re unhappy with your job it''s likely you''ll just plain be unhappy in general. That''s not good.

For us, my hubby''s career is definitely more important for a couple reasons:
- He makes far more than I do, and I''ll never even make anything near what he makes.
- His clientele base is something he built up over time, and if we left he''d have to start from scratch.
- I''m a high school teacher, and it''s pretty much a given that I could find a job anywhere we go, so my income is easier to replicate in another city than his income.

Maybe you could send out your CV to a couple of schools and see what happens. If you get a great offer somewhere, your DH could do some research into the location to determine if it would even be a viable move. I must say, every academic I know has the "most important" career in the marriage/partnership because academic jobs are so hard to find.

Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

Definitely DH.

He earns a lot more than me.

My job is very place specific - I can only do this job in London and near Parliament. His is far more flexible. But, he has a career job, whereas I have never made my mind up what I want to be.

My CV is very varied and so I find it easy to work in lots of different sectors. On top of that I am trained as a designer which means I always have a freelance option.

If DH was to be offered a chance to work overseas for several years or something, I''d quit my job like a shot!

Maternity leave is also a year in the UK - and I plan to take a whole year each time, so his career will continue to progress faster than mine because of that.

 

[swingirl]

Any kids in the equation? If you plan on kids I would most likely let the non-child bearing spouse pursue their career. In a non-politically correct world it still works best if the man works to bring home the bacon and the woman takes are of the house and kids. I know all the career oriented women are going to say no no no, but that's how I see it. Now if you don't have kids everyone's got to figure out what works best for your happiness.

 

[akw94]

Elmorton, we recently moved and the decision wasn''t career based. It was based on other factors. I was willing to do this b/c I thought the reason was important enough. Unfortunately, he was able to transfer to our new location while I am not. I would have to take the bar again, if I chose to continue practicing law or start a completely new field. I have taken this as an opportunity to try something new and am going into teaching. I think that if I loved my job, it would''ve been harder to leave it given having to give up a career that I''ve worked hard for. Plus, I''d always planned to move out of state anyway so was willing to make the sacrifice. But I think our reason for moving was worth the change. In the future, I think the issues will be the same. Careers are an issue but not the only issue. I think you have to consider all the factors, money is not necessarily the most important issue, happiness is, imo.

 

[pennquaker09]

I''m staying at home, however, I have every intention of getting back in the classroom in the future. I think it depends on how many more kids we have. With that said, Nate''s job takes precedence over mine. Even though Nate''s a doctor, his specialty is one that is still growing and there are not as many jobs available in his field. Not only that, Nate is in academic medicine and that adds another level of exclusivity to it.

Since I can teach any science course and math, I know that I won''t have a problem find a position somewhere.

To be honest, I don''t think there is a right or wrong answer to your question. I don''t think Nate''s career is more important than mine, even if he is a doctor. Both of us are equals even though he makes more money and has a more prestigious career. I just choose to sacrifice my career for him to get further in his.

 

[julabean]

At the moment, DH''s career comes first. He makes twice as much as I do. I''m starting graduate school in the fall, but in a program that is relatively common, so if we did move, I could finish my degree elsewhere. And while I''m in school, I''ll only be working part time because school is to be my top priority. However, that also means that DH has less job mobility due to being the primary breadwinner. He can''t just leave to take a lesser paying job while I''m in school. So in some aspects, we''re equal. For now. But that''s a tough question!

 

[absolut_blonde]

This was a BIG issue for us as we started off long-distance. We had to decide who would be the one to move.

We're both in fields related to the real estate industry, but they are very different.
His field & his training is quite broad. He has a trade as well as post-secondary education. Theoretically, he could pick and choose between a number of jobs in any city.
My field & training are very narrow. I can work in nearly any city, but can only choose between 1-2 jobs in each city because I'm in the government sector. (It could transfer over to other things, in theory, but not directly)


However... I moved to his city. The specific job that he has right now is something that would be harder to replace (very high-end) and he intends to start his own business within a few years, so the networks and connections that he's established were important. It would take a long time for him to establish himself that way in my hometown.

As well, he has more earning potential overall. I intend to take full mat leave when we have kids -- so that's 1 year each, 2-3 kids. If we can afford it, I might just SAH altogether for a couple of years. And, when he goes out on his own, the potential is huge... my education is such that I could still help him with the operational aspects of the business while I SAH, also.

Finally, I've just NEVER had that 'burning' desire to do any specific thing (perhaps- probably- related to my depression/dysthymia issues but that's another post entirely). I'm good at a lot of things, and some of them I enjoy well enough. But SO was literally drawing houses from the age of like, 5. And he LOVES his job, loves his field. It's his calling. It's hard to argue with that for something in my hometown that, at the end of the day, was still just a 'job' for me.

 

[violet02]

Both my FI and I make close to the same amounts of money, he''s a developer though so and in an up and coming project at the the gigantic softare company we both work at. His long term income potential is higher than mine and rising more rapidly then mine since he writes code and I''m the one testing it. Our golas are to eventually move out of silicon valley to somwhere more affordable at this point I will have my program manager certification and hopefully be able to parlay a job in that field. If it came down to one or ther other of us then his is more important then mine since I hate my job too boot and he loves his. Eventually we''ll have kids and I''ll go part time, unless we live somewhere thats more affordable (maybe Denver?). Then I just won''t work when the kiddies start coming around. I don''t think I''d mind being a SAHM but I would start a business from home and maybe get out of tech altogether and own a shop or something. For now though we both need to work to pay for wedding, furniture and house.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would absolutely consider my DH job far more important than my own.

I have a cosmotology license, so my ability to work anywhere but Chicago is severly limited unless I went corporate. But, even with that said, if he had to pick up and move--I would never object.

I think the bottom line matters big time. My hubs earns more money than I do...like three times what I do. And we live a very, very comfortable life. If my DH was offered a job that was going to pay him more -- but it meant moving away -- I wouldn''t hesitate. Sure, I enjoy what I do. I have been in my field since I was 18 and have made great career strides and I am very proud of myself for my accomplishments. But I hold no illusions to the fact that money makes the world go around and as they say, love don''t pay the bills. So loving my jobs doesn''t mean much when the gas bill is due.

I think it is very loving that you''re taking his happiness into consideration, it speaks well of your relationship. But, you were willing to move for him once upon a time, and he should be willing to do the same if it means your advancement. Marriage is the ultimate give and take...sometimes you take, but mostly you give...and you gave, so now he can in return.

Just my opinion.

 

[Octavia]

My FI makes a lot more money than I did when I was working, and will probably still make more money than I will when I graduate from law school (I don''t plan on going to a big firm). However, that''s not the reason his career sort of dictates where we live. He''s in a very specialized field, and has trained for a very very long time to do what he does. For him, it''s not so much a job as an extension of who he is -- which is hard for him sometimes, because there''s no clear division between work life and personal life. If he continues to do this work as he currently does it, there are very few places we could ever live. If he decides to go out on his own, there are more options, although we''d still need to be near a major city.

My career, on the other hand...isn''t really a career yet. I worked for a couple years between college and law school, and I''m grateful for that experience but it''s not something I would ever want to go back to as a job. And I don''t know exactly what I want to do once I get my law degree -- I will probably end up working for the government, but that still feels like a compromise. I''m actively looking into alternative careers, but until the time comes to choose what state''s bar exam to take, I''m not locked into anything.

So, I guess I would say that FI''s career is more "important" but we don''t really think of it that way. It''s just that we''re in very, very different fields, and he''s currently making money while I''m spending it. I can''t wait until it evens out, but I also know that my eventual career choice will be partly based on what works with FI''s existing career. As long as I end up liking what I do, that''s fine with me.

 

[erica k]

Since my job prospects will always be less bountiful (academia, liberal arts), we will have to make choices dependent on where I can find work. Hopefully I won''t have to change jobs more than two times before obtaining tenure. The main drawback is that many of the smaller liberal arts colleges that I prefer are not in NYC, which is where my husband would like to practice architecture.

Neither of us will make much money, so the decision will be based more on the location, colleagues, and quality of life (schools, farmers markets, public transportation). If my husband wants to move to Japan or the United Arab Emirates for work, I''m not sure the rest of the family would go with him. Many of my married friends who are both academics live much of the time apart due to their work/research. Since we''re having children, this is not as feasible for us. The bottom line would be, how do we balance our individual careers and the family''s overall happiness? Neither career is more important because we both need to take care of ourselves in case that we end up alone with the children for whatever reason. Obviously compromises will be made, but even if my husband made more than enough money, I would not become a SAHM. In my field, it''s not a good idea to take time off, especially when you''re up for tenure (i.e., during those child-rearing years before you hit 40).

 

[Clio]

It''s a tough issue. We have moved twice for jobs - both times for mine.

Even though my husband makes more than I do, my jobs have been harder to find. The first time, I was in academia, and in my field you just have to count on moving if you are lucky enough to find an tenure track job at all. That move was hard on Steve. It took him several months to find a job, though he eventually found a great one.

The second time, I was joining the Feds, and the agency only has 1 office, in DC. So we had to move. Steve was happy to do it because he knew how deeply unhappy I was. Plus, he wasn''t thrilled with the town we were living in. It worked out really well; he was able to transfer.

It''s hard, though. I''m not sure that I''d ask him to move for my career again. On the other hand, my job (which I love) is very city specific, so I don''t know what I''d do if he wanted to move for his career.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Eh, it changes for us. D has always made more money than I (boo!), but he was an actuary and they can work in any geographic market, so if I wanted to pick up and move for a job, it was no big deal.

Now D is a stay at home doggy daddy, but he makes more money trading stocks than he did when he was an actuary, so it's worked out for the best. When he decides to get back into a career, we will re-visit the moving issue. I like my job and am happy to stay here, but if he wants to move somewhere else, I'd jump at the opportunity.

For us, the financial side of our jobs has never really played a role in whose job is more important (I always have and always will pay for my half), so the priority is more on what we feel will make us happier. For now, we're happy with where we are, but in 6 months, who knows!

 

[Elmorton]

Thanks everyone for posting. It IS hard

I''m in academia, so when colleagues ask why we moved here and I reply "My partner found a job and I followed," I typically get a very disheartening surprised and disapproving look in return. I think it''s partly because, as Haven and others mentioned, most couples go wherever the scholar goes, and second, since I''m a woman, it looks like I''m reverting to traditionalist roles or something. On the other hand, when I mentioned to my father (also a prof) that I was eyeing an FT position for spring and planning on applying, I got a nice, long lecture about how DH''s job is hard to find (journalism, btw) and I should be more respectful of that. DH laughed and said that my dad''s reaction was simply because he didn''t like the area where the college is located, and that he (DH) is all for making a move for my career. So, I guess that''s where it''s at - I''m going to send out a few CVs and see where that gets us.

 

[D2B]

Before children, my DH and I would take turns as much as practical. both of us earned roughly the same and had invested similiar amounts of time and study into our career. We were both very career oriented.

However, the reality of children, and the needs of a child, mean that one of us would have to take a back seat. I chose to stay at home with our child, and will work part-time when he is older. the reality of raising a child means that my career will never be the same again as it will be a balance between daycare, school etc and for us, it will be part-time at the start.

I have resigned myself to it, now my husband earns heaps more, and it would not make sense to swap roles. However it was our choice to have a child and we are lucky that I can stay at home while he is young.

Not easy at all, and gets only more complex once children come into the equation.

good luck
d2b

 

[zoebartlett]

THis is tricky. I''m a teacher, and four years ago, I moved away from the area of our state where my husband (boyfriend at the time) lived because I had gotten a teaching position in another district. We didn''t live together officially -- we still our own apts. My husband stayed where he was until we bought our condo in December. So I guess he followed me and my new position. Luckily, although he took on a bit of a commute (an hour, vs. 10 minutes), he was able to stay at his office. He has since found a new job with a different company, but it''s still a far commute (an hour+).

So, who''s job is more important? Hmmm...

Well, I know I can get a teaching job pretty much anywhere since for the most part, teachers are always needed. My husband is a data and reporting analyst, and I''m assuming his job is one that can be found in many geographic areas. If I based this answer soley on the financial aspect, I''d have to say that hs job is more important. I know I''ll never see what he makes.

 

[vespergirl]

I think it depends on who makes more, and if child care comes into the equation. Everybody in a marraige has to make a sacrifice at some time for the good of the family. My husband makes way more than I did when I was working, and he also has an MBA and more earning potential, so when we had our son, it was obvious that I would stay home - we didn''t want to use daycare or a nany, and we have no family nearby, so one was us was going to have to stay home. Wed are planning to start trying for a second child soon, and at that time I will also probably start pursuing a graduate degree. I decided to stay home and take care of all of the family responsibilites when he was getting his MBA while working full-time, and now that his career is settled, I will have the chance to go back to school, and then work in the field of my choice when our children are in full-day school. I chose to sacrifice my career in the short-term for the long term financial and emotional health of my family, but soon it will be my turn to pursue my dreams again. I think that''s part of the secret of a successful marriage - supporting each other''s goals - but not everyone can have what they want at the same time, part of compromising I guess.