Spouse''s recreational drug use? Insight/Advice needed...

[WhatWouldYouDo]

I''m jumping on the bandwagon with going PS-Incognito, as I really need some help with a personal situation and don''t feel comfortable discussing it with anyone IRL.

I met my spouse when we were young, and while I was pretty straight-edge he was a total stoner. His habit took a major toll on our relationship, but I kept quiet as we were young and ''who knew'' what the future held. At the turning point of our relationship my opinion of his pot habit came out in the open- he was high way too much, and negligent when high, and if we were to proceed I needed to know he would leave the stoner lifestyle behind. And he did.

He still smoked occasionally, which I was completely okay with. It was away from home, never on our property, and pretty infrequent. In fact, I am somewhat in the pot-is-safer-than-alcohol camp. My issue with weed is the illegal nature (even though decriminalization is becoming more common on a state-by-state basis) and my husband''s lack of control when using. Both of our jobs would be gone in an instant with a positive drug test or upon finding pot in our home. He doesn''t have a "weed card" for medicinal use, and has no medicinal need for it.

And then this afternoon, out of nowhere, he comes home with a bong. I didn''t flip out on him, but told him we needed to talk about it... I explained that I don''t care if he smokes outside of our home, but I just cannot accept it in our house/on our property. He thinks I''m unreasonable for wanting to deprive him of something he''s enjoyed for most of his teen and adult life, and insists I need to compromise. I told him my compromise was allowing him to smoke, on occasion, elsewhere. He disagrees. I told him that if he thinks I''m joking, he''s insane... but it''s sort of an empty threat. Until it''s 100% legal I can''t bear to live in a house with it, and even then, I''m not sure I would trust his ability to resist smoking on a daily basis... but if he disrespects my requests and does it anyway, I don''t know what I will do.

It doesn''t help that we have fun, successful friends and family that smoke without consequence and have not yet suffered legal ramifications because of their use. However, I can''t bring myself to take the risk they''re taking (as small a risk as it may be).

Any insight? Advice? Am I being crazy? Is there a better way to approach my husband about this without it turning into an argument?

 

[Kaleigh]

Hey,
Well to me, bringing home the bong is a deal breaker. He can''t smoke at your house, even outside. Your neighbors could smell it and report the two of you!! That puts you in jeopardy.

And YES it''s illegal. I don''t know what the penalty is in your state.. But illegal to me is illegal...

Seems like he wants to do it more, thus bringing home the bong which he didn''t do before.. That''s a red flag.


Time for a heart felt talk. Your jobs could be at stake.. He''s putting you at risk, if he''s outside smoking, and the neighbors call the cops they could take you in?? I dunno but that''s not something I could live with.

Let us know how it goes, I am sure you''ll get plenty of great advice on this matter.

 

[february2003bride]

WWYD- Well, the fact is that it is illegal and whether he''s caught buying it, smoking it, possessing it, he''s in trouble. I have a pretty laid back view on weed (probably same as yours) but I''m not a pot smoker either, however if my DH brought a bong/weed/rolling papers/any illegal drugs period into our house I would be furious. I also wouldn''t be comfortable with my DH smoking it somewhere else either, because I would strangle him if he drove stoned. A friend of a friend had the same situation. Her DH smokes weed every single day (but nooo, he''s not an addict

) and it started out that he would only smoke at friends houses. Then it was just the backyard. Then it was inside the garage. Now he''s smoking inside the house! She doesn''t know what to do because she''s helped condone it (compromising, right?) up to this point, even though she doesn''t touch the stuff herself, and she wants him to stop altogether.

If you don''t feel comfortable with it in your home, you make that clear. If your DH says too bad, then you need to decide how far you are willing to battle over this. If you are putting your foot down (and I would, but that''s just me) you point blank as your DH which is more important- his marriage & job or his weed? And I don''t see how you can''t NOt argue over this. You''r making him feel guilty over something he likes doing that he knows is illegal and could ruin his life if he got caught. Of course he''ll argue with you over this because he doesn''t want to be made to feel guilty.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I know a lot about this field. I am not a professional (yet) but it is important to know there is a difference between abuse and dependency. I personally believe that daily use of any drug (alcohol included) is a slippery slope towards dependence. Addiction is a progressive disease. No amount of reasoning on your part will "control" him. Some signs he has a serious problem are, is his tolerance higher than before? Does it take more pot to receive the same high? Does he experience withdrawal if for some reason (like if you were on vacation) he cannot smoke? Does he want to cut down/quit? Does he put a lot of time/effort in obtaining the drugs? Is his drug habit impacting his work or social life? Has he had any health issues related to smoking pot?

You cannot manage his habit so the best thing you can do is decide what you are willing and not willing to live with. If you set boundaries you better make sure you will enforce them. Drug addicts (NOT saying your husband is an addict) remind me of my toddler. If they know they can get away with something they will. Every time. You must set the boundaries for *your* (not their) physical and emotional safety.

My heart goes out to you. Hope this helped. Good luck.

ETA: Denial is a very powerful thing. If you try to arm wrestle the disease, the disease will win every time. They are sick. Drug addiction is listed as a disease in the DSM-IV as a medical diagnosis. I am not make excuses but without education addiction is very hard to understand. My best advice is to figure out what you WANT and don't waste energy on trying to get him "clean" if he doesn't want to be.

 

[WhatWouldYouDo]

I will respond in more detail to Kaleigh & Feb. later, but just wanted to reply to Tacori...

You''re very right about the difference between abuse and dependency. When we first met and through his early 20''s, I''d say that DH was definitely dependent. He got high 3 or more times a day... he preferred being stoned than sober. I don''t smoke, so its a surprise we stayed together long enough to ever discuss his addiction. He''s finally at a place where he can admit that he had no control over his early use.

Currently I would say that he smokes... I don''t know... 4 or 5 times a year? Or maybe that''s how much *I* see him smoke (when we visit certain relatives is the only time I witness it). But he does hang out with his guy-pals enough, and I''m not sure if they smoke and whether he smokes with them.

He is a healthcare professional and is familiar with most prescription meds and their uses. He views pot as safer than many legal drugs. But he also has a history of anxiety disorders and is currently dealing with a bout of depression over his parents'' divorce. I''m not sure what sparked this sudden re-interest in getting high, but I can''t imagine it will actually help ease any stress or anxiety he''s currently feeling. In the short-term it may, but it''s definitely no cure or solution.

And as I said- I can''t get over the illegality. At the same time, I don''t want him sneaking off to do this behind my back. He told me he was trying to be honest and upfront, and I worry that I''m scaring him off and encouraging sneaky, misleading behavior. He seems so darn determined...

This is a bit unrelated, but I''m very much a Type-A person. I nag, I boss, I''m a control freak. I''ve loved DH for a long time, even when he was "young and reckless", but I admittedly forced him into growing up. I demand a lot from him and I have this fear that one day he''s going to wake up and desire some life away from my bossiness, where he''s free to do as he pleases without my critical attitude... And that putting my foot down regarding this pot thing is just one more way that I''m driving him away from me. I sense that he wants to smoke more because he''s bored or displeased with his life as it is. I don''t know... Clearly I''m a bit of a mess over this and it''s quickly becoming evident that this problem goes a bit deeper than a newly-purchased bong. Perhaps we need to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

 

[fieryred33143]

Here''s my take on it.

I think that secretly you aren''t ok that he''s a smoker and would prefer that he didn''t. You''re holding on to hope that he quits for you and for the life you will have together. and as long as he wasn''t smoking in the home, then that hope could one day be a reality. As long as he continued being an "infrequent" user, he could still easily quit. And you telling him not to do it in the home is your way of controlling what kind of a user he is. But now he''s bringing his use in the home which means that his use is not as infrequent as you thought and really hoped for.

I can guarantee that you have drugs in your home and in the car. Him bringing in a bong or throwing it out won''t change the fact that the drugs are in the house (and trust me, it''s there-you probably just haven''t found it YET).

I would address the fact that you aren''t happy he''s smoking at all with him and hope that he quits.

 

[movie zombie]

this was an issue bound to come up. it was there in the past and has increased to the point that he now feels he''s entitled to use in the home. i''d say i''d be ok with that except for the really big deal that if its found in your home or around your home and both of you can lose your jobs over that, then it seems to me that he''s out of line.

i think you did try to work on it before and you made a resonable compromise that as long as it was away from your home and property [and that would include your cars], that he could do as he pleased. he agreed to that. now w/o discussing it with you, he brought home a bong. he broke the agreement, says you''re unreasonable, and that you have to compromise. does he have a lot of $ that will compensate for the loss of both your jobs? does he not realize that you compromised already? did he think you''d not notice him smoking at home after agreeing not to?

you have no power in this situation other than to decide what you want your life to be like. ditto re him: if he''s decided that smoking at home is more important than your relationship and trust together, well, what can i say? if you draw the line in the sand and stick to your guns re your original agreement, be ready to back up your words with actions and leave him.

i don''t think couples counseling is going to make it in this situation. a trial separation might wake him up, though.

good luck.

mz

ps i''m all for legalization and growing ones own. i love amsterdam not just for the fine museums but the coffee houses. but in this instance i think he''s made a decision that is unwise for him professionally and for his marriage.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/19/2010 5:54:09 PM
Author: WhatWouldYouDo

This is a bit unrelated, but I''m very much a Type-A person. I nag, I boss, I''m a control freak. I''ve loved DH for a long time, even when he was ''young and reckless'', but I admittedly forced him into growing up. I demand a lot from him and I have this fear that one day he''s going to wake up and desire some life away from my bossiness, where he''s free to do as he pleases without my critical attitude... And that putting my foot down regarding this pot thing is just one more way that I''m driving him away from me. I sense that he wants to smoke more because he''s bored or displeased with his life as it is. I don''t know... Clearly I''m a bit of a mess over this and it''s quickly becoming evident that this problem goes a bit deeper than a newly-purchased bong. Perhaps we need to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

Step 1: Admit you are powerless over drugs [insert virtually anything here] and your life has become unmanageable.

A true dependent should abstain from ANY and ALL drugs (including alcohol) b/c it is a progressive disease and will spiral out of control very quickly. A casual user doe not buy a bong. At least not as an adult. You have many choices if it comes to that. I hear that you love him. I really do. I also hear that you have a great amount of fear. Have you ever thought what would happen if you did lose him? If he did leave you? I think you need individual counseling (with a therapist familiar with addiction). Being controlling is not a healthy behavior but very common for SOs of addicts. You cannot control anything but your own thoughts, emotions, and behavior. THAT''S IT. Sucks doesn''t it?

I would also attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. Getting out of your "disease of uniqueness" is very helpful. Knowing you are not alone in dealing with these issues, hearing the strength, experience, and hope of other people can really help make things clearer. You need to get honest with yourself and figure out what you are willing to live with. Can you live with a drug addict? If you can you need to get help to deal with the emotions that come with his disease b/c that is not easy. If not, steps should be taken. It is about loving yourself enough. No one can tell you what to do regarding your marriage. I am just trying to inform you what is available out there.

 

[doodle]

Just a little food for thought. To me, there''s a big difference between the occasional puff, puff, pass with the boys and bringing home a bong, particularly if it''s something you''ve already discussed and about which you had reached a compromise. I''ve never been one to leap to the addiction assumption, but I think I''d be a little worried if that was the first place he turned when he was stressed, ya know? Good luck, hon, and I hope things get worked out between y''all soon!

 

[iheartscience]

I am really not a fan of potheads because all of them seem to think they're not addicted/dependent on it, but they all are. I would not be okay with my husband even smoking pot occasionally, let alone having a bong in the house. (Luckily I married a boy scout who had his first drink on his 21st birthday, so as you can imagine, he doesn't do any drugs.)

An addict is an addict, whether it's pot, alcohol or other. If he could lose his job with 1 failed drug test or a drug bust, but is still willing to smoke pot, I think that says a lot about his habit/addiction. Pot is illegal (whether it should be or not) and if his job depends on it there is no way he should be smoking it, let alone jeopardizing your job as well by having a bong in your house. Cops can and will count residue in a bong as possession of marijuana.

It sounds like there are other relationship issues at play, so I think you should definitely seek out the help of a therapist. In the mean time, he needs to lose the bong immediately. If he can't understand that I don't even know what to say. If I were you I would probably just take it, smash it and throw it away if he wouldn't get rid of it on his own.

ETA I'm not sure if you have kids or want them, but I had a couple of friends in middle school and high school who had pothead parents. The kids of these potheads all turned out to be stoner losers, for lack of a nicer term. One of my good friend from high school whose father allowed him to smoke weed in his room is now a heroin addict. Would he have turned out to be that way without a pothead dad? Maybe, but I think the permissible attitude from his parents and easy access to weed definitely helped turn him into a regular drug usuer.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

My XH was a marijuana addict. He smoked literally EVERY day, at least once a day and often much more than once a day. He claimed he couldn''t relax without it. When he couldn''t get it for whatever reason, he was sullen and hateful. If he couldn''t get it because none of his usual hook-ups had any, then he remained sullen and hateful until he finally found some. If he couldn''t get it because he didn''t have the money to buy any, he would use his ATM card to take money out of our joint account. All of the money in our joint account was there for bill paying and bill paying only . . . we didn''t keep extra spending money in the account. So, when he would basically steal money from us, I would have to scramble to find a way to put it back so that the mortgage payment wouldn''t bounce. And yes, he kept drugs and paraphernalia in the house at all times, and often in his vehicle as well. But nooooo, he wasn''t an addict, because pot isn''t addictive!

That relationship lasted for about six years (about three years of which we were married). Finally, I had enough and left him. Best decision I''ve ever made.

Date: 6/19/2010 10:16:34 PM
Author: thing2of2
ETA I''m not sure if you have kids or want them, but I had a couple of friends in middle school and high school who had pothead parents. The kids of these potheads all turned out to be stoner losers, for lack of a nicer term. One of my good friend from high school whose father allowed him to smoke weed in his room is now a heroin addict. Would he have turned out to be that way without a pothead dad? Maybe, but I think the permissible attitude from his parents and easy access to weed definitely helped turn him into a regular drug usuer.

Thing, this is one of the main reasons why I refused to have a baby with XH, even though he constantly pestered me about it. This just makes me so sad. He got remarried a few years ago, and I know his new wife is a pot-head too. They recently had a little boy, and I hope for his sake that he doesn''t turn out like this.

To the OP: I think you need to set some very firm boundaries, and stick to them. Think very hard about what you are/aren''t willing to accept, and don''t compromise anymore . . . you''ve done enough of that already. HE is compromising YOUR safety and security EVERY SINGLE TIME he brings anything drug-related into your lives. That is incredibly selfish and unacceptable IMO. I know what you''re going through, and I sympathize. ((((HUGS))))

 

[somethingshiny]

I don''t have any advice but wanted to send some hugs. For me personally, any drugs would be a deal breaker. Since I''m so against EVERY drug in ANY form, my decisions would come easily. I really don''t know how you''ll progress through this situation since you are somewhat okay with the use. I''m actually afraid that you''ll have a more difficult time with it than someone like I would simply because now you''re reevaluating your OWN thoughts about the entire situation. I do hope you and your DH are able to discuss this and work something out.


Tacori~ You''ve given some very helpful and useful info. Just wanted to say thanks in general for sharing your knowledge.

 

[WhatWouldYouDo]

Date: 6/19/2010 9:34:15 PM
Author: doodle
Just a little food for thought. To me, there's a big difference between the occasional puff, puff, pass with the boys and bringing home a bong, particularly if it's something you've already discussed and about which you had reached a compromise.

This does worry me. Once you bring paraphernalia into the picture, it's no longer random, occasional recreational use. I know plenty of people who have tried pot and may even smoke if offered some at a party, but none of those individuals own paraphernalia.

If he has already brought weed into the house (or car, or lawn), hell will certainly break loose. Perhaps it's denial, but I don't think there's any here- YET. I have a sneaking suspicion he purchased the bong in anticipation of procurement, however (if that's not obvious, already).

He gave away ALL and I mean ALL paraphernalia a little over two years ago. He said he didn't need it, there was no sense in having it around. He knew I did not want to stay together if he kept buying and using. Thankfully, in our situation there is no, "Honey, you knew I was a stoner before we married, so you can't change me now" argument. He complied with my request and we moved forward with our lives. Apparently he thought I would change my mind re: weed use.

I'm still trying to figure out what sparked this newfound desire. We have an extended-stay houseguest who was a mutual college pal of ours. They were smoking buddies, and she still gets high with some frequency. He mentioned to me a few weeks ago that he felt bad we didn't have any weed for her, to which I replied, "Too bad, so sad. She'll deal." Thankfully, said houseguest leaves in a little over a week. It's not my job to make sure my houseguest's technically-illegal desires are met.

DH is out this evening, but we've agreed to talk when he returns. I'm not going to tell him what to do, but what I will do if the bong is not broken and in the trash ASAP. It is then his choice. I sense he'll counter with a, "You're really willing to end our union over this?" to which I will response, "And you'd rather get high than stay together?"

I hope in my heart of hearts he will make the "right" decision. I don't believe he prefers weed over us, but he may think I'm a pushover. I've thought about this all day today. Can I live with it? Am I willing to risk it? Pot isn't so bad, really. But the bottom line is I cannot live with it. I won't take the risk. And I don't like when DH gets high and retreats from reality... which is exactly what will happen if he starts to smoke alone in our garage.

Sorry for the vent... Thanks for the responses. This threw me for a total loop today and I'm still barely wrapping my head around it. I'm having terrible, horrible flashbacks to how things were between us many moons ago. I don't want to get remotely close to that place ever again.

ETA: We've talked about his old pot-head ways a handful of times throughout the past few years, and he always said that he didn't mind halting his use... that it was a part of growing up and transitioning to mature adulthood. I just keep wondering, "Why the change? Why now?"

 

[Indylady]

Yikes. You are NOT being crazy.

First of all, I don''t agree with your "you can do it as long as its not in front of me or in our house" policy. IMHO, that''s a terrible idea. You don''t know where he''s doing it, you don''t know how often, and you don''t know how he''s going to get home afterwards. It just sweeps the issue under the rug.

Second, he shouldn''t be jeopardizing his job and his family life by doing something that is illegal. Its just too much of a risk. Do you think he will understand that? I think this is a point to stress. Make sure you''re not making a personal attack. Don''t nag, don''t whine. Don''t call him an addict or a druggie. Tell him that this is one sacrifice you CANNOT and WILL NOT make. Not only is he jeopardizing himself and his job, he''s jeopardizing YOU by having a bong in the home. I don''t know what the laws are on the topic, but I am guessing you could also face severe penalties if there are drugs in the home regardless of whether or not you are using them. If there is more than a certain amount, you might be charged with intent to sell.

Fine, its safer than other meds; fine, its relaxing; fine, he likes it. Those points are all irrelevant because this could put you two in jail.

"It doesn''t help that we have fun, successful friends and family that smoke without consequence and have not yet suffered legal ramifications because of their use. However, I can''t bring myself to take the risk they''re taking (as small a risk as it may be)." Uh..small risk? So, I can probably rattle off a list of people I know that have been arrested for possession, underage drinking, etc. and they all thought they wouldn''t get caught. Do I really need to explain? Can''t he see that that''s the whole point of the word "risk"? A couple people pay the price, and the rest run free and feel invincible. You don''t know who pays the price and who''s going free.

I have seen reformed stoners, but I do think it has to come from him and not from you. You can take charge of yourself, and your life, and tell him that you won''t stay in a home with this drug, but I don''t think you can make him stop if he doesn''t want to. It reminds me of a book suggested in LIW that basically said that women should make this clear to their hubby, "You make me happy, but I can be just as happy without you." I do not want you to drive you away from your hubby, but he''s crossed a line IMHO by putting you in danger.

There is such a thing as "legal bud". I have no idea what its made of or where its sold, but I have heard of it. Would he switch? Good luck, and lots of dust to you!

 

[Circe]

I smoked (er, smoking of the legal variety) when my husband and I got married. He knew what he was getting into with me, but after a year, he asked me to quit, and I did. Last week, we were at a wedding, I was stressed, and, come three in the morning, I had my first cigarette in two years. At the time, I thought "This is great! I forgot how great this is! I should totally start again!" But when I woke up, I remembered two crucial things: how badly smoking contributes to morning mouth, and that, at this point, it would be a bait-and-switch of the cruelest sort to do that to my husband.

It sounds like you set some pretty basic ground rules when you got married, and he complied with them ... until now. I agree with Fiery, and with IndyLady about both what that indicates about *how* he''s been complying, and about the problem with the "out of sight, out of mind approach." As for why he''s suddenly Mr. Bong? Maybe it''s something as simple as having a college friend come to stay and remembering how much fun all night chats with weed were. Maybe it''s an early onset midlife crisis. The bottom line is, there''s no reason that''s good enough to allow a harmful, illegal habit back into your lives, so it''s really a question of how to articulate to him how worried this makes you.

I would actually recommend seeing a counselor, not just for you, but for the two of you about this: I know the bong, or any sudden change, can make you fell like you need to have it out right! now!, but he''s been smoking weed for a while, dude. Getting him off/away from it and keeping your marriage intact are roughly equivalent needs, and, indeed, complimentary needs, I''d say: don''t let either one overbalance the other.

 

[swingirl]

I have no advice regarding whether or not you should tolerate your DH''s smoking but if it''s at all possible he should obtain a medical marijuana card so you don''t have to worry about the legality. For a lot of people it''s a self-medicating issue and personally I think it''s far better than coming home from work and having a few beers or several glasses of wine every night to relax. Smoking with a bong is better for your lungs, by the way.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 6/20/2010 6:03:11 AM
Author: swingirl
I have no advice regarding whether or not you should tolerate your DH''s smoking but if it''s at all possible he should obtain a medical marijuana card so you don''t have to worry about the legality. For a lot of people it''s a self-medicating issue and personally I think it''s far better than coming home from work and having a few beers or several glasses of wine every night to relax. Smoking with a bong is better for your lungs, by the way.

I don''t think it''s right to abuse the medical marijuana program. It applies to those with actual medical issues, not to healthy people who just feel like getting high. Abusing the system is not fair to those who truly need the drug for pain relief and jeopardizes the program. OP''s dh would basically have to lie (I don''t think he has any medical conditions) and I have a problem with that.

People shouldn''t self-medicate with anything...food, alcohol or drugs. If a person needs to self-medicate, that is an indication that something is wrong and that person needs help.

OP, only you know what you can tolerate in your marraige. You sound like you are not totally against pot-smoking, and yet your dh''s behavior bothers you because of past experiences, so I think you have a reason for concern. Good luck with your talk with him, I hope you can work things out.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Please understand one very important thing about addiction (assuming he is addicted), he is not choosing the drug over you. He is sick and *dependent* on the drug. Period. This is one of the reason I think going to a support group is vital (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, go a google search with your city for a list of meetings) because addiction is very difficult to understand. Focus on you, what you can live, what you can''t. Assume you cannot change him b/c chances are he is in denial about his using. Drug addicts will lie, steal, cheat, in order to get high. Like I mentioned before it is a progressive disease which is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing b/c I personally believe everyone has to hit their bottom before they accept and seek help. This mentality goes to everything for me (people who want to lose weight, change careers, etc). The pain of changing needs to be less than the pain of staying the same. The curse is it is difficult to see many people hit their bottom and some people never get there. First step is having an open conversation with him but expect to be lied to. As they say "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don''t say it meanly." If he really is in full fledge addiction (which obviously none of us can know w/o meeting him) nothing you could say will get through to him. Good luck.

SS, no problem at all! This is what I am getting my master''s in and am happy to answer any questions. Can''t promise I will have an answer though

 

[WhatWouldYouDo]

Update.

We had a heart-to-heart last night, and the bong was kaput and in the trash first thing this AM. What re-sparked his interest in smoking was, as Circe suggested, having a stoner roommate. We''ve been out of town for the past week and she managed to score some weed (Firey, you were right! For 5 days there''s been pot in my guest room bookshelf. GAH.). Buying the apparatus was a joint endeavor, as we had no smoking paraphernalia for her, and DH would keep it after she left. The weed has also been removed, much to roommate''s dismay.

I verified my initial thought that he has rarely smoked over the past 2.5 years, and I''ve been present & aware the few times it occurred (always with the hippy aunt and uncle). At this point I trust him, and there''s not much else to do. I''m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Until this bong showed up, there was zero indication of any use at all. He vows he has not smoked with the roommate, in our home, cars, etc, but that he anticipated roomie using the bong, and then keeping it for use when said hippie relatives showed up, when old college pals visited, etc. Uhhhhh- no.

It was a pretty tearful talk. I had a really hard time saying that I was not able to compromise or take the necessary risk, and that if he wanted to, I couldn''t live under the same roof...but I said it. And he took it to heart, which I expected and hoped for.

A Medical MJ card will not be obtained, either. We''re both very-much for the legitimate use of MMJ, and his use would be illegitimate and contribute to the already rampant abuse of the system

(But I do understand the logic behind getting one, Swing, for legalities sake!)

He knows that I don''t think pot is evil and that I''m not out to get him, I just want to protect both of our livelihoods. We discussed my concerns that he was unhappy or dissatisfied and thought I was being overly demanding, and none of the above are true-- even when it comes to this weed thing. We still might talk with a marriage counselor, though, as we agreed it''s good to explore and strengthen relationships every now-and-again.

Admittedly, I will be on high-alert (er, literally?) until roommate travels back home, especially with roommate herself. I''m thankful that DH and I can be open with one another about these things and it doesn''t turn into an argument full of attacking and criticizing. He''s not perfect (nor am I), but he''s ultimately a respectful and caring person. He even laughed when I smashed the bong with great gusto, though roommate looked more like this:

Thanks for advice and insight, everyone (especially your professional opinion, Tacori!). I don''t want this to be a constant source of tension and discord in our relationship, and hope for the time being that we can put this behind us and move forward. I want our marriage to be full of trust and openness. I have to chalk this up to a lapse in judgement, and believe that he will respect our union and keep his word until he gives me reason to think otherwise.

 

[BeachRunner]

I''m glad you and your DH settled the marijuana hiccup.

I was putting my thoughts together about how to respond to this as I am very liberal in my marijuana opinions, and living in a medical marijuana legal state surely does not help.

But, again, glad to hear your DH was receptive to your concerns.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Since I can''t go anonymous to post my reply

I won''t give as much detail as would perhaps be helpful, but let''s just say that in the past there have been similar negotiations in our household. Spouses have to negotiate all kinds of rules within their relationships, and the use of alcohol or recreational drugs like pot is certainly one of them. I think it is not at all uncommon for these types of things to come up. And I think it is totally fine to lay down your own personal ground rules about substance use. If you don''t want it in your house, then you are allowed to make that rule. It is not *so* much to ask really. I am glad to hear that your husband is willing to listen and respect you. And I am glad it came up for you now before you had kids (I presume given the roomate thing; and if you plan to have them of course). While I am very comfortable with recreational pot use, just like recreational alcohol use, things do change a lot when you have kids and you need to be alert and ready for anythng 24 hours a day. So gradual changes to your lifestyle earlier on make it easier to change things completely when the kiddos come along, if you have them.

FWIW, with some things I don''t think it matters if you are being "reasonable" or logical in your feelings. I don''t like DH to get drunk around me, there are alcohol issues in my family and seeing him drunk makes me uncomfortable and nervous. It is not logical, he is not an alcoholic, but he respects me and my wishes and gets drunk when it is the vary rare boy''s night out

He has an unreasonable (to me) desire that I always lock the door even if it is daytime and I am at home. To me it is silly, but I respect his wishes and do it to make him feel more comfortable. These are small accommodations for both of us to make and so we do them to better our relationship. My point is that you should not feel afraid to ask your partner to accommodate a request you have about his behaviour, spouses need to take each others wishes and needs into account in their daily lives.

 

[oddoneout]

He clearly is not thinking of any of the consequences of his behaviour or how it affects you. Hopefully you can both have a heart to heart.

ETA: I'm glad the talk went well. I hope things work out in the future.

 

[swingirl]

I never meant to insinuate one should abuse the medical marijuana program. If someone feels the need to reduce stress, treat anxiety, help with insomnia, etc. it is a legitimate use. I don't know the reason your husband has chosen weed. Mine was a suggestion to consider only if it was applicable. Since you said he still smokes occasionally and you are okay with it there is the possibility he does it to relax or wind down after a stressful day. Not much different that a Valium prescription. Maybe it's his stress that needs addressing.

I am glad you talked it over and it worked out.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so glad to hear that you two have agreed! I would still keep an eye out in the future b/c even the smallest habits are difficult to break. I would just hate for you to be blindsided in the future. You know, setting a boundary that relatives with drug habits cannot stay with you could be very helpful and healthy. It is your right and your home. They might "trigger" his use so it is best not to go where it is slippery KWIM?

I am obviously a big believer in counseling and still feel individual therapy could help you with some of your control and fear issues. Just keep it in mind. Hope this is never an issue again!

 

[junebug17]

Date: 6/20/2010 4:42:30 PM
Author: swingirl
I never meant to insinuate one should abuse the medical marijuana program. If someone feels the need to reduce stress, treat anxiety, help with insomnia, etc. it is a legitimate use. I don't know the reason your husband has chosen weed. Mine was a suggestion to consider only if it was applicable. Since you said he still smokes occasionally and you are okay with it there is the possibility he does it to relax to wind down after a stressful day. Not much different that a Valium prescription.


I am glad you talked it over and it worked out.

Don't you have to have a doctor's RX to get medical marijuana? I don't know that a doctor is going to prescribe pot for stress and anxiety reduction, when there are legal drugs that will do the same thing. I think trying to get a medical marijuana card for stress relief IS abusing the system. We all have stress in our lives. And there are ways to relieve stress and anxiety without numbing yourself with pot or alcohol, such as attending counseling and receiving therapy for strategies on how to deal with stess, or figuring out ways to lessen it. The next day, when the drug of choice has worn off, the same stress and anxiety will be there. I guess I'm going off on a tangent here, but I just don't think relying on pot, alcohol or even prescription drugs in some cases is a healthy way to handle stress.

I'm glad you and dh had a good talk, and that things go well for you both.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 6/20/2010 5:00:43 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 6/20/2010 4:42:30 PM
Author: swingirl
I never meant to insinuate one should abuse the medical marijuana program. If someone feels the need to reduce stress, treat anxiety, help with insomnia, etc. it is a legitimate use. I don't know the reason your husband has chosen weed. Mine was a suggestion to consider only if it was applicable. Since you said he still smokes occasionally and you are okay with it there is the possibility he does it to relax to wind down after a stressful day. Not much different that a Valium prescription.

I am glad you talked it over and it worked out.

Don't you have to have a doctor's RX to get medical marijuana? I don't know that a doctor is going to prescribe pot for stress and anxiety reduction, when there are legal drugs that will do the same thing. I think trying to get a medical marijuana card for stress relief IS abusing the system. We all have stress in our lives. And there are ways to relieve stress and anxiety without numbing yourself with pot or alcohol, such as attending counseling and receiving therapy for strategies on how to deal with stess, or figuring out ways to lessen it. The next day, when the drug of choice has worn off, the same stress and anxiety will be there. I guess I'm going off on a tangent here, but I just don't think relying on pot, alcohol or even prescription drugs in some cases is a healthy way to handle stress.

I'm glad you and dh had a good talk, and that things go well for you both.

You do need a doctor's recommendation for cannabis. So it would be up to the medical community to determine what can be treated and if anxiety is covered.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 6/20/2010 5:58:36 PM
Author: swingirl

Date: 6/20/2010 5:00:43 PM

Author: junebug17

Date: 6/20/2010 4:42:30 PM

Author: swingirl

I never meant to insinuate one should abuse the medical marijuana program. If someone feels the need to reduce stress, treat anxiety, help with insomnia, etc. it is a legitimate use. I don't know the reason your husband has chosen weed. Mine was a suggestion to consider only if it was applicable. Since you said he still smokes occasionally and you are okay with it there is the possibility he does it to relax to wind down after a stressful day. Not much different that a Valium prescription.


I am glad you talked it over and it worked out.

Don't you have to have a doctor's RX to get medical marijuana? I don't know that a doctor is going to prescribe pot for stress and anxiety reduction, when there are legal drugs that will do the same thing. I think trying to get a medical marijuana card for stress relief IS abusing the system. We all have stress in our lives. And there are ways to relieve stress and anxiety without numbing yourself with pot or alcohol, such as attending counseling and receiving therapy for strategies on how to deal with stess, or figuring out ways to lessen it. The next day, when the drug of choice has worn off, the same stress and anxiety will be there. I guess I'm going off on a tangent here, but I just don't think relying on pot, alcohol or even prescription drugs in some cases is a healthy way to handle stress.


I'm glad you and dh had a good talk, and that things go well for you both.

You do need a doctor's recommendation for cannabis. So it would be up to the medical community to determine what can be treated and if anxiety is covered.

Right...I was just confused after your initial post as to how the OP's dh could qualify for a card, since he doesn't have a medical condition that would warrant it for example cancer, glaucoma.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/20/2010 5:00:43 PM
Author: junebug17


Don''t you have to have a doctor''s RX to get medical marijuana? I don''t know that a doctor is going to prescribe pot for stress and anxiety reduction, when there are legal drugs that will do the same thing. I think trying to get a medical marijuana card for stress relief IS abusing the system. We all have stress in our lives. And there are ways to relieve stress and anxiety without numbing yourself with pot or alcohol, such as attending counseling and receiving therapy for strategies on how to deal with stess, or figuring out ways to lessen it. The next day, when the drug of choice has worn off, the same stress and anxiety will be there. I guess I''m going off on a tangent here, but I just don''t think relying on pot, alcohol or even prescription drugs in some cases is a healthy way to handle stress.

Junebug -- I''m guessing you don''t live in California? MM cards are apparently quite easy to obtain.

WWYD I''m so glad you and your hubby talked this out and are now on the same page. Congratulations!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think it is ridiculous that alcohol is legal and pot isn't. I think it is superfreaking ridiculous.

However, when I was in amsterdam with my husband and kids I couldn't bring myself to go in and smoke it legally because of my children. I felt and feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world for not standing up for what I believe in. I would rather smoke than drink and I can relate to others who feel the same. But the FACT that is illegal is a sticking point for me. I will still do it but it is pretty infrequent that the stars align in such a way that I feel comfortable with it.

I think things that are a joint domain need to be respected by you both... I understand his desire to do it at home, but the law being what it is I think your desire to keep it out is paramount.

Bottom line though, what is making him want to do it more lately? There's likely something going on there...

ETA - glad it all worked out

 

[junebug17]

Date: 6/21/2010 12:41:08 AM
Author: VRBeauty

Date: 6/20/2010 5:00:43 PM

Author: junebug17



Don''t you have to have a doctor''s RX to get medical marijuana? I don''t know that a doctor is going to prescribe pot for stress and anxiety reduction, when there are legal drugs that will do the same thing. I think trying to get a medical marijuana card for stress relief IS abusing the system. We all have stress in our lives. And there are ways to relieve stress and anxiety without numbing yourself with pot or alcohol, such as attending counseling and receiving therapy for strategies on how to deal with stess, or figuring out ways to lessen it. The next day, when the drug of choice has worn off, the same stress and anxiety will be there. I guess I''m going off on a tangent here, but I just don''t think relying on pot, alcohol or even prescription drugs in some cases is a healthy way to handle stress.

Junebug -- I''m guessing you don''t live in California? MM cards are apparently quite easy to obtain.


WWYD I''m so glad you and your hubby talked this out and are now on the same page. Congratulations!

Thanks.

I just feel compelled to say something...I feel like this thread turned into a pot vs. alcohol debate, and a chance for some people to express their views on their support of pot smoking, and I don''t think that''s really the point. The OP is concerned about potential abuse of a mind-altering substance, something that she admits her dh had a problem with several years ago, a problem so bad it almost ruined their relationship. It doesn''t really matter whether the substance is pot or alcohol, the problem is she''s nervous he''s going to go back to old habits and will start abusing that substance again... by her own admission he was a stoner several years ago, and I take that to mean he smoked almost every day. If it was alcohol, and the OP''s dh was drunk almost every day, wouldn''t most of us feel he was probably an alcoholic and should abstain from it? I feel like her dh''s prior abuse of a drug is being glossed over by some because it''s pot.

Having liberal views about pot, supporting the legalization of pot, being a pot smoker yourself isn''t relevant to this discussion IMO.

Good luck WWYD, I hope things go well.