Is marriage happy?

[trillionaire]

Hello all!

I''ve been posting around on PS, and after talking with my mom this weekend, I am wondering if ANYONE actually has happy marriages? (Ok, I don''t mean absolutely no one does, b/c my parents ARE happily married...)

Anyway, she was telling me about her girlfriend whose husband has been seeing an escort for the past 1.5 yrs, and now wants a divorce. She asked him, what about me and the children (3). I have raised your children. He responds "Yeah, and you f***ed them all up." Wow. And this woman still wanted to fight for the marriage!

Then my mom is telling me how it is not uncommon for men to philander, and you have to make tough decisions in marriage (no, my dad has not ever cheated, but my mom has a lot of friends who have been cheated on). She is telling me about all of the friends that she has, and how many people are unhappy or on the verge of divorce, neighbors who say that their husbands are mean and don''t even like them, etc. There are so many FACADES! What a debacle! Is ANYONE happily married? Seriously?

*it''s no wonder I have never been a marriage enthusiast...*

 

[Skippy123]

Gosh, that is awful, I am so sorry about your friend. I feel like when there are a few people around you having trouble then it does make you feel like where are the good marriages? Well, I know hubby and I are happy; I do think you have to work at it each day and we are committed to each other. We have been together 11 years and married 8 years. He is my best friend and supports me through thick and thin and vise versa. I do know people in both situations so I hear you.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Wow... that''s pretty grim.

Yes, I am very happy in my marriage. Sometimes ridiculously so--but don''t tell my HH that!

 

[Aloros]

I get the feeling that it's these debacle-marriages that garner the most attention, so we tend to focus on them the most.

Most of the married people I know are very happy in their marriages. There's the odd few that are off. One relative on my mother's side of the family had been having an affair for a year, and finally asked for a divorce. She's pretty much the laughingstock of the family now, and everyone has taken her husband's side. He's a super-nice guy, so it's such a shame. Plus, they have two kids. She always struck me as spoiled and a little self-centered, but didn't expect that! Another family friend I remember...they were married, still are - but they fought a lot and I didn't see much affection between them.

But yeah, most I've seen are happy.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yikes!

Well, I''m happily married, but I probably don''t count (just got hitched 3 months ago).

My mom and step-dad are VERY happily married for the past 27 years.

Dad and his wife are ridiculously happy for 2 years now (5 years together). Mind you, didn''t go so well with their numerous previous marriages.


I think the trick is to go into it with the right ingredients (i.e, two grown ups with similar goals, good communication skills, etc.). To learn to recognize danger signs. To have realistic expectations. To put the work in.

If you look on the LIW board, I sometimes think a lot of men drift into marriage because they think they have to, and some women just want to get married, don''t care who to, and down the road, disaster.

On top of that, many, many people never grow up. It''s not good, if one or both partners is a big baby.

 

[littlelysser]

I''ve been married for almost a year...

And DH and I are very happy. He''s my favorite person in the world...We dated for six years before we got married and we bought our house before we were even engaged. We were always committed to one another and wasn''t really in a big hurry to get married. But I''m glad we did!

For us, being married is pretty much exactly like before we got married, but with more bling!

 

[divergrrl]

I''m happily married, and like DeeJay, probably too happy. Its been 6.5 years since we got married, and 2 kids, and I still like him better each day. I trust him, adore him, and enjoy him. Does he get on my nerves sometimes? Oh sure, but its not that often, and I''m sure I do a good job bugging him some days.

So yeah, I''m still madly in love. I just see this marriage going the distance. I just couldn''t see him cheating/leaving. If he ever did, I''d be that woman standing there going "what the eff? I did NOT see that coming". I really feel loved/cherished/respected/blah blah blah.

Tis a good thing, cuz I kissed my share of frogs to find him. Ooh, I got doozys in my past. LOL.

But unhappy marriages exist, you just have to listen to your internal warning system in a new relationship & try to get to know them as best you can. That''s no guarantee, but I think it helps!

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I have been with my DH for 4 years, married a little over 1 year, and I think we are very happy together. We are best friends, which goes a long way, and genuinely enjoy each others company. I noticed that my satisfaction in my relationship and my love for hubby has increased in the year since we got married, and that feels good too.

I know lots of people in crappy marriages, too, but I sometimes get the feeling they would be unhappy in any marriage (no man is perfect), and unhappy if they were single as well...

 

[Miranda]

My divorced friend called me wondering the same thing. Everyone around her, with the exception of me and her parents, are unhappy. It''s so unfortunate. Marriage is what you make of it. DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 13. Not all of those years were easy mostly because we were very young and immature, but, you have to be dedicated to making it better and right for you both! For goodness sake, I listen to my sister throw her hubby under the bus every single day and do things constantly to provoke him.

Then she wonders why he is not supportive in return!

I can agree with Diver and DeeJay. Yes, I am blissfully happily married. I adore my DH and I know he adores me!

 

[decodelighted]

"Is marriage happy?" is kinda like asking "Are careers rewarding?" or "Are babies fun?" Your results may vary.

I''d agree that there are a lot of FACADES in all areas of life ... people living way beyond their means, people pretending to LOVE motherhood who actually LOATHE it ... people failing their way to the top in a career they don''t even like because they can''t turn down the $$$ ....

All of which is why IMHO its so important to focus on one''s OWN life & ways to increase ones OWN happiness and develop one''s own strength so its there when you INVARIABLY face your own hard times. Whichever flavor they come in.

To your other question: do I know any happily married couples? Yes, a few. My DH & I are happy. Both of our parents are still (mostly) happily married. Two of my sisters are married mostly happily. And one of my friends. BUT ... my best friend is going through a bad divorce after 10 years (he left) ... and my own DH has been married before, quite unhappily. So ... mixed bag I guess.

 

[jas]

I sadly see a lot of married couples falling into the "I''m with Stupid" camp...it seems so many people forget the "love and cherish" part of the package and rarely muster up the strength to be kind, supportive (forget complimentary) of their spouse.

DH and I are happier every day. And we tell each other that. We laugh a lot. We never say anything negative about each other to other people. (That''s what PS is for

).

It''s work, but it''s a job I wouldn''t give up for the world.

Now that I''m home and he works from home, things are even better. I was worried that familiarity would breed contempt, but we now have to work even harder at being happy outside the marriage so we can get together at the dinner table and share our daily growth. I know how cheesy that sounds.

Yes, it''s possible...I think the strongest, happiest relationships are realistic and not co-dependent. DH''s job is not to make me feel like a complete person, to validate me, to define me, nor make me happy. His job is to celebrate the complete, valid, defined, happy person I choose to be. And vice versa.

 

[Elmorton]

When I took adolescent psych in college, the underlying current of the class was "Adolescence itself isn''t rocky. People with rocky childhoods end up having a rocky experience as an adolescent."

I think you can say that for marriage, too. Marriage itself isn''t that difficult. In theory, it''s not hard to be loyal. It''s not hard to communicate. It''s not hard to love. But people who have problems with these things prior to marriage are going to have problems with these things in marriage. The people I know who have happy marriages have have other solid relationships whether it''s with a parent, friendships, co-workers, etc. When DH and I first started dating, I couldn''t help but notice how much love and respect his friends and family had for him. That''s a good sign.

I''m not saying that perfect partners exist, either. We both know our flaws and work to overcome them - but I think there are a lot of people in this world who get married without acknowledging the things they need to overcome to be a full partner in a marriage.

Anyway, bottom line - I think the problems that people have in marriage don''t occur as a result of the marriage but as a result of qualities a person already possesses.

 

[Independent Gal]

You''re a wise woman, El. A wise woman who has just made me completely freaking TERRIFIED of becoming a mom!

"I will not screw up my kid. I will not screw up my kid. I will not screw up my kid."

 

[KimberlyH]

Marriage is what a couple chooses to make it. People disagree, a married couple can see these disagreements as opportunity for growth or disaster. People change, a married couple can see these changes as an afront to the marriage, or an opportunity to explore something new. People struggle, married couples can take the opportunity struggle presents to make their unity stronger, or the struggle itself can become a reason why a marriage disolves. We have the wonderful ability to make choices. And if both partners make choices that are best for the couple, not for one partner or the other, but the couple together, marriage can be an amazing, beautiful, wonderful thing.

I love being married. I look forward to waking up to my husband every day. I love talking to him, exploring with him, debating with him, eating with him, cuddling with him, loving him, playing with him, and learning from him. He is the most thoughtful, intelligent, kind man I have ever met. Is our marriage perfect, of course not. We don''t always see eye-to-eye, we have a few things we need to improve about ourselves and our relationship, but we don''t hold those things against each other. And we communicate -- talking about anything serious, or conflict ridden, is one of the most difficult things anyone could as me to do, but he is very good at it, and insists we do so even when I resort to pretending I''m an ostrich -- even when it''s messy and painful. And we love each other. We hold each other in the highest regard and we treat each other kindly. We do not discuss marital issues outside of our relationship. We honor our vows and we love one another, even when it''s hard. And it works for us, because we try, every day, to make each other happy.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 6/25/2008 8:37:12 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You''re a wise woman, El. A wise woman who has just made me completely freaking TERRIFIED of becoming a mom!

''I will not screw up my kid. I will not screw up my kid. I will not screw up my kid.''

Also, research has shown that men treat their girlfriends at 18 years old in the same way that their moms treated them at 10 years old!

Nyuk nyuk.

 

[Haven]

I see a lot of happy marriages in my immediate and close family. I think that perhaps people might surround themselves with others who share their viewpoints and demeanor, so maybe there''s a correlation between being in unhappy relationships and seeking out others in the same boat. Perhaps so many friends in one group are in unhappy marriages because they gravitated towards one another. (Sort of like the way my uncle became best friends with two other boys who had also lost a parent each by age 13--they shared something.)

I''m not married. I''ve been with my fiance for four years and I hope that we''ll always be as happy as we are now, and with any luck that happiness may even increase over time.

I love El''s commentary, by the way.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 6/25/2008 9:18:33 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 6/25/2008 8:37:12 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You''re a wise woman, El. A wise woman who has just made me completely freaking TERRIFIED of becoming a mom!

''I will not screw up my kid. I will not screw up my kid. I will not screw up my kid.''

Also, research has shown that men treat their girlfriends at 18 years old in the same way that their moms treated them at 10 years old!

Nyuk nyuk.

Well that explains alot!!!!

 

[diamondfan]

El, I think that was very eloquent.

I think happy is interesting. We are told we have the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", but I think life has ebbs and flows and sometimes we are NOT happy. And merely finding a way to make ourselves so is not the answer all of the time. Happy is not all it is about, as I think marriage, even the best of marriages, are a process and take work. I also sometimes feel happiness can be a choice, in "acting as if" we are, we become so. Meaning, one can always find negatives to dwell on, or find things that make us unhappy at a given time, but one can also try to reframe things. I am not at all saying be in denial as to how things are in reality, but sometimes choosing to view things from a slightly different angle and it can be so much better.

I have been married almost 18 years, I have a wonderful hubby and we love each other. However, we are very different. We problem solve and approach dilemmas from very opposite camps normally. We are ultimately on the same team BUT how we get to things is just vastly dissimilar. And I am a more anxious and fearful person, and always fear the worst, which is hard for him. But, we manage to figure out a way to co exist and compromise.

 

[trillionaire]

I have really enjoyed and appreciated the responses. I think that people who are happily married LOVE to gush about their happy unions!

I was looking up information on happy and successful marriage (I have a strong belief in research and being proactive) and found some good tips and anecdotes:
******************************************************************************************************************

"A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, "for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out," Boon tells WebMD. "Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives."

While it sounds easy -- and while it can be easy -- this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it''s harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you''re really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."

we should not be "complaining" all the time about everything. It is important to reserve our complaints for really important issues or for issues that have hurt us in a special way.

Remember that the proportion between positive and negative moments in marriage must be always about 5 to 1. For each negative moment, for each criticism I allow myself to issue, there should be another five positive inputs. Our toleration for negativity is very short.

Then, when I must address a negative subject I should always begin stating my love for the other person. This is like stretching a safety net below us before we begin our delicate act of complaining, opening a bleeding issue.

With this I am saying that however we may get engaged in a discussion, there must be no doubt about our love for each other. That will not be touched.

QUOTES
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you are wrong admit it, whenever you are right shut up.
Jen

A mentor once advised: "Devote yourself to making your partner happy, never prioritising yourself. If you can find someone who loves you enough to do the same for you, then how can the two of you possibly part ways?"
Michael, Tokyo, Japan

We are happily married for 15 years and my biggest advise is "ninety percent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice"
Saima, Houston, USA

 

[Kaleigh]

I would say overall, yes!! But ya have to work on it. We have been married for 21 years, together for 25. We know what works and what doesn''t. We are a well oiled machine by now. If there is a kink, it''s his fault, LOL!!!

 

[zhuzhu]

I think most marriages are happy in nature, the reason why it "seems" miserable for some is because they like to EMPHASIZE the complaints! Of course there are conflicts in EVERY type of relationships, but overall, couple-hood is good for the soul.

 

[Steel]

Deco - I loved the "results may vary" comment!

Sometimes you find a shoe, in your size that you love. It might not fit, or it might. Even if it fits there is no guarantee it will not give you blisters.

I think that ''till death do us part'' is a long time and people grow and change and are affected by life''s traumas in different ways. The boy you loved at 17 will have changed by 25/35 and so on. How you cope individually and as a couple with life events IMO leads to the sucess of your relationship.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I''ve been married for 3 years (together for 6) and I''d say that hubby and I are happily married - but we went into marriage with realistic expectations. We went to premarital counseling for a few months before the big day and that really helped for us. We respect each other and, most importantly, trust each other. Marriage is give and take - sacrifice. Marriage is hard work but totally worth it. We have our disagreements but we work through them by communicating with each other and listening to each other. We rarely "fight" or raise our voices with each other but it does happen sometimes. We try to focus on the positive aspects of life and that helps too.

Jess

 

[sevens one]

nevermind
deleted

 

[Rhea]

Neither my parents or my DH''s parents are happily married. Mine bicker all the time and his just rarely talk at all.

I''m fairly happily married. I wouldn''t say it''s the best marriage ever. We''re in a pretty hard position right now with jobs, money, and living situation which puts a lot of pressure on our relationship.

I do think happy marriages exist. I hope they do anyhow. I plan to keep mine happy and hopefully make it happier than it already is.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/25/2008 5:26:06 PM
Author:trillionaire
Hello all!


Then my mom is telling me how it is not uncommon for men to philander, and you have to make tough decisions in marriage (no, my dad has not ever cheated, but my mom has a lot of friends who have been cheated on). She is telling me about all of the friends that she has, and how many people are unhappy or on the verge of divorce, neighbors who say that their husbands are mean and don''t even like them, etc. There are so many FACADES! What a debacle! Is ANYONE happily married? Seriously?

*it''s no wonder I have never been a marriage enthusiast...*

come on....women cheat more than men they just don''t admit it. women don''t brag like men they keep their mouth shut about their affairs.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/26/2008 10:32:04 AM
Author: Steel
Deco - I loved the ''results may vary'' comment!

Sometimes you find a shoe, in your size that you love. It might not fit, or it might. Even if it fits there is no guarantee it will not give you blisters.

I think that ''till death do us part'' is a long time and people grow and change and are affected by life''s traumas in different ways. The boy you loved at 17 will have changed by 25/35 and so on. How you cope individually and as a couple with life events IMO leads to the sucess of your relationship.

or.... "till debt do us part". the #2 reason for most divorces.

 

[anchor31]

I have quite a few happy marriages in my family, and a few divorces too. In FI''s family, it seems to be more unhappy marriages than happy ones or even divorces, unfortunately. So I thing the "results may vary" answer is the most accurate.

 

[Fancy605]

Well, part of the problem is that a lot of people get married before they are truly ready, or they just get married to the wrong person, often because they are focused too much on getting married and aren''t focused enough on who they are marrying. I actually know a girl who''s life ambition is to be married. She is engaged, but most of the time she doesn''t even like her fiance. She pretty much just wants to be married and is marrying him b/c he''s willing to get married.

That being said, I''ve only been married a year, but my DH and I dated for 6 years leading up to the wedding, so we knew each other VERY well going into it. Even so, we still have plenty of disagreements, even flat out fights. The majority of those though have been one time issues that have occurred because while we did spend tons of time together, we never lived together before marriage, so we are still not totally used to each other''s habits. We thought we knew a lot about how the other lived from day to day because we spent so much time traveling together before hand, but, as it turns out, there are a lot of kinks to be worked out. I finally feel as if we''ve got it mostly figured out, and now we laugh at the petty things we used to bicker over. I must say, we''re having a great time. We give each other butterflies still. I am definitely a fan of marriage. Is it easy? Not always. But I don''t think I know what major things in life are "easy"

 

[snowflakeluvr]

i am one of the non-gushers who has had to work her way with dh to "happy"...in fact, about two months ago, i think we called a truce because we are relocating, we have a lot of kids(5), dh has already moved to new job and city, 2nd kid is heading to college in fall, we have to find a home and sell this one, and our lives are just stress stress stress! i think we just decided to be happy together now-we know we love each other, we have been through mucho rough stuff together, so we are just grinning and bearing it now.
i am not a cynic, i believe in love, true love, love at first sight, all of that but that is not what i got, but we are making it into something deep and real, which in today''s world of divorce and crazy stuff, speaks volumes to our faith in each other and in love.
one cute anecdote-about 4 years ago(we are married over 21, together for almost 26yrs now) i found out that dh LOVEs hot chocolate-this i never knew! so, in that little moment, i thought to myself-what else don''t you know about this guy? and that intrigued me, it really did.
have faith, have fun, go for it. love is patient, love is kind and love loves to laugh together.