How did you know you were done having babies?

[lknvrb4]

My husband and I have been agonizing over this decision for months. We currently have three children. I have two from a previous marriage ages 6.5 and almost 5. We have a 16 month old son together. I am 33 and my husband is 36. We have more reasons to not have another child than to have one. But there is that one thing both in the back of our heads that just won''t let us commit to hubby "getting fixed". I can''t explain what it is in the back of my mind. For those of you who were an only child between your own parents did you long to have a brother and sister who was your own? I worry that if we had another one it would be like shooting myself in the foot because things are finally getting to the point where we can do things and have extra things. I wish there was a clear choice but there is not. Anyone have an words of wisdom?

 

[Lilac]

I can''t answer from the perspective of a parent, because I don''t have kids yet. I''m not sure if what I''m going to say really applies to your situation, but I''ll share it anyway. My parents are divorced, and I was the only child from their marriage. I always wished I had a brother or a sister that shared both my parents, because I felt that only they would really be able to understand what I was going through sometimes. I was kind of lonely. My parents both remarried and had more kids, and as much as I truly love my half brothers and half sister, I did always wish I had at least one sibling that shared both my parents.

Your situation is obviously different than mine was, but the answer to the question of whether I wanted a brother or sister that shared my own parents is yes, I did and still do.

 

[fieryred33143]

Your 16 month old isn''t really an only child though. Are you worried he will feel like he''s an only child because he won''t have any biological siblings?

I still don''t know whether I am done or not. A huge part of me says one and done because I''m very happy with the idea of life being just the three of us. I know that way we can provide her with the best of everything and that puts a smile on my face. But a small part of me doesn''t want to leave her alone. FI''s brother will not be having children and he has no other siblings. One of my brothers most likely won''t have children if he can''t adopt and the other may or may not. My family has a lot of cousins but most are up north and FI''s family has only one other grandchild who lives in Chile. I don''t see his cousins that are here in FL having children any time soon. So if she doesn''t have siblings it''s possible that she would truly be the only child around for a very long time.

 

[RaiKai]

I am not a parent so can''t answer you on the question of knowing when you are done or not (sometimes I wonder if I am done before I even start..ha!), but I am a child who grew up with full siblings, half-siblings and step-siblings. I am the oldest. I felt as close to the step-sibling who grew up in the same household as me as I did my two full siblings (one half-sibling and step-sibling I was never really around as they lived with my father and stepmother so am not as close to them). That step-sibling says the same.

Your youngest is not an only child, by any means. Your oldest children ARE siblings to your youngest and vice versa. Family is not determined by the DNA shared, and they will really not know the difference unless you somehow set it up that way in their minds.

At the end of the day, this is a highly personal decision, but I think if you are learning towards NOT having another child for various reasons and the reason you WOULD have another is so that your youngest two would share similar DNA....then I am not sure that is really a concern, in my personal opinion.

 

[Jas12]

I am not in the same situation as you but i am due next month with my second child and I know i will then face the question from family/friends/self: "Are you done"? I already know i won''t know the answer, or how i''ll come to one, so i can feel where you are coming from

I think the fact that both you *and* your DH are considering another is a good sign that you indeed want another. If it was just you or just him pushing for it i think it would be trickier. The thing i notice about kids is that i''ve never heard of ''fence sitters'' ever regretting them, but i have heard of ppl that regret not having them. That joy you get from kids seems to override the extra financial burden and the extra couple of years you spend in full-on child care. ...but that''s just my opinion

 

[rms]

My husband and I have 2 kids, 3 yr old twins. My story is a little bit different but I thought I would share. I really wanted to have a 3rd child but my husband did not. But we have difficulty conceiving to the point where we need medical help. After several years of discussing it with my hubby, he finally agreed that we would try one more time, and if we got pregnant great, and if not ok, and I would have to come to peace with it. Well, we tried last month and sadly it didn''t work out. I was really disappointed, and my husband even told me that he was disappointed too (which I actually didn''t expect). But the really good thing throughout this journey for me is that at least now I know that I will not regret for the rest of my life that we didn''t try. I feel so much more at peace inside my heart than I have over the last few years. So in your case I think it is so wonderful that you and your hubby have the same thoughts about whether or not to have another. It is such a personal decision, I am sure you will make the right one. I too thought about whether or not I wanted to start over with a little baby, because my kids are so much more independent than they used to be (and I am over 40). But my feelings of potential regret were bigger than all the other feelings I had.

 

[lknvrb4]

Date: 5/4/2010 10:33:46 AM
Author: rms
My husband and I have 2 kids, 3 yr old twins. My story is a little bit different but I thought I would share. I really wanted to have a 3rd child but my husband did not. But we have difficulty conceiving to the point where we need medical help. After several years of discussing it with my hubby, he finally agreed that we would try one more time, and if we got pregnant great, and if not ok, and I would have to come to peace with it. Well, we tried last month and sadly it didn''t work out. I was really disappointed, and my husband even told me that he was disappointed too (which I actually didn''t expect). But the really good thing throughout this journey for me is that at least now I know that I will not regret for the rest of my life that we didn''t try. I feel so much more at peace inside my heart than I have over the last few years. So in your case I think it is so wonderful that you and your hubby have the same thoughts about whether or not to have another. It is such a personal decision, I am sure you will make the right one. I too thought about whether or not I wanted to start over with a little baby, because my kids are so much more independent than they used to be (and I am over 40). But my feelings of potential regret were bigger than all the other feelings I had.

I don''t ever want to feel regret and maybe that is what is in the back of our minds. We don''t know the future but we sure hate to regret not having another one. I went off the pill in Jan. because it seems with the more babies I do have the more problems I had will the pill. I was on 3 different kinds in less than a year and they were not working properly. Since then we have been using condoms all the time. One month my period was really late and I thought I was pregnant and took a test and it was negative. Both hubby and I were a little sad, so maybe that is the answer. We have thought about leaving it up to god and not having protected sex for 6 months and see what happens. If it''s meant to be it will be and if not well we tried. Not sure if it''s the best answer but it''s all we have.

 

[rms]

You know, I think your thoughts about it are pretty logical, reasonable, and of course have the right emotions behind it as well. Just to tell you one other story that is a little different, but it really helped me in my decision... I struggled with the fact that my husband didn''t want a 3rd child, I was afraid it would put an additional strain on our marriage that I didn''t want at all. So I spoke with a very good friend of mine. After they had their first biological child, they adopted 2 other children since they had trouble conceiving. After they adopted their second, my friend told me she just still felt like something was missing, that she wanted a 3rd, but her hubby did not. Well, they agreed to put in the adoption paperwork and wait for 1 year. If by 1 year they didn''t find an adoption match, they would pull the paperwork and she would just come to peace with it (just like I said to myself). They left it in God''s hands. Well, 1 WEEK before their own personal 1 year deadline, they were called by the adoption agency and they brought home their 3rd baby. She said now she definitely knows that she is done, and she doesn''t feel that something is missing. In fact, they are such a beautiful family that they inspire me to want to adopt. Of course that would take me having to convince my husband

 

[steph72276]

Good question! I thought I was done after one. Then when he was about 4, we both got the feeling like maybe our family wasn''t complete. We decided when I got pregnant with number 2, that was it and we were done. Well now baby number 2 has been here for 3 months and we are both like, well MAYBE one more. I think it is because this baby is such a good sleeper and is so easygoing that we are even thinking of adding another into the mix. I know 3 would be my max though (unless we had twins) because I would want them all to be involved in sports and activities and there are only so many things I could handle at one time.

It''s a very tough decision and one only you and your husband can make together. I think it would be wise to wait until you guys are 100% on board with another to try for another baby. Hopefully after much thought and reflection, the right answer will just come to you two and you can be at peace with which ever decision you guys decide to make. Good luck!

 

[partgypsy]

Jas - that''s actually not true about people who were fence sitters who have kids never regret them. I remember someone posted a link on Pricescope about an article about a parent regretting kids, and literally 100''s of parents had posted in response to that article that they regretted their kid or kids. Obviously most people will not say that outloud even if asked.
There was a post in family just recently that asked whether they thought their parents did a good job raising them, and quite a few people had issues with how their parents raised them, showing that parents were not ready to parent or were conflicted about the responsibilities of parenting. Also, there is no guarantee that a child won''t be born with physical disability, develop cancer, have severe emotional problems in adolesence, or any other number of issues that may have big financial and emotional effects on the child, the parents and the other children. Just to play devil''s advocate, it''s good to think about all the potentials, because it''s not just all about this potential baby, but also the family you already have and have commited to raising.

 

[Jas12]

Part Gypsy-- I should have highlighted the *I* part. I didn''t mean to suggest no one has regrets about kids, just that i have never personally come across cases of that in my life (i have a big family of childless couples so we talk about this a lot). And also I think if it were true that more ppl regret kids than not, we''d have some really, really messed up ppl.

i also don''t think that if we fail to give our parents an "A" in parenting that means they shouldn''t have had us. Even the most prepared, rich, willing parents can mess up. We''re human. Unfortunately it''s hard to know if we''ll be good at the job before it''s too late!

and in terms of a child born with a disability--ya sure, your kid can be born with a problem & it may put a huge strain on your family, but since you can''t control any of that would you really not have a child out of fear he/she does not turn out perfect? Parents can get sick too, loose a job etc. life is unpredictable. So IMO those are not good reasons to not have a kid if you really want one.

I guess all i was trying to say is that assuming you can provide the basic necessities in life, if your heart wants another child, that should be the big determining factor. I think being born into a welcoming, loving family is most important.

 

[cara]

partgypsy, that''s a good point about kids and regrets. I think LynnB said something striking about how having toddlers and young kids is intoxicating and parents can''t really evaluate how they feel about parenting fully until they have lived through their kids'' teenager years and launched their baby birds into the world... those teen/early adult years can be some of the hardest times and bring the heavier regrets.

 

[swingirl]

I wish I had more kids and my kids ARE adults so I made it through the teen years, wonderful years I might add. My kids are good friends and talk about the Christmas dinners they are going to have once they're married with kids of their own. I could easily have had 2 more but I was older and time ran out.

Bottom line is it really depends on what type of parent you are. Can you appreciate the unexpected? Can you accept a lot of turmoil in your life? Or do you prefer to live in an organized controlled environment? More kids = more commotion, less money, more work.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 5/4/2010 9:03:09 AM
Author:lknvrb4
My husband and I have been agonizing over this decision for months. We currently have three children. I have two from a previous marriage ages 6.5 and almost 5. We have a 16 month old son together. I am 33 and my husband is 36. We have more reasons to not have another child than to have one. But there is that one thing both in the back of our heads that just won''t let us commit to hubby ''getting fixed''. I can''t explain what it is in the back of my mind. For those of you who were an only child between your own parents did you long to have a brother and sister who was your own? I worry that if we had another one it would be like shooting myself in the foot because things are finally getting to the point where we can do things and have extra things. I wish there was a clear choice but there is not. Anyone have an words of wisdom?

If you guys cannot "commit" to getting fixed, then just use birth control for the time being. An aquaintance of mine and her husband felt the same way. Just a lingering feeling that they may not be done. It took about six years before they realized that they did want another child and went ahead and did so.

 

[partgypsy]

I guess where I''m coming from, sometimes it seems, especially if the "baby" is getting older, is to have the warm fuzzies of having another baby, and the critical thinking part shuts down in favor of emotions. Don''t get me wrong, emotions are very important. One has to want another child more than all the guaranteed sacrificies and potential hardships that come with another child. But sometimes people don''t seem to weigh the guaranteed sacrificies that will need to be made (financial, career, time) let alone all the potential bad stuff, with the happiness of having another child. All I ask is to run the scenario life as it is, and life as it will be with 1 more dependent (less money, later retirement, children funding own college, etc) and see if the sacrifice is worth it for overall happiness. Regarding only children, the two only children I know were both glad they were only children, but honestly probably depends on the individual how they feel, as adults being an only, some liking it, others wishing they did. But it''s really the parents'', not the child''s decision.

To answer the question, I had decided it was best to stop with one child. I had my first child as an older mother and worked in a demanding field. My husband has multiple interests that would be difficult to pursue with multiple kids. It was environmentally responsible. We could travel with 1 kid, but not with "kids". We would be able to save for 1 child''s college, but not for multiple. And so on. It was the "logical choice."
While I was weaning my daughter (around 9 months) I had tremendous terrible yearning to have another child. But I had promised myself that I would only have 1. So I gave away pretty much all her clothes as soon as she outgrew them (except for a couple souveniers), got rid of her baby toys, high chair, etc to prevent myself from yielding to those feelings. A little over 2 years later I went to the doctor to get on permanent contraception, got my prescription. When I came back from the visit, I confided in my husband, almost in tears that I''ll do this, but I''ll always feel sad that we didn''t try to have another. Surprisingly he didn''t freak out at this but was supportive. We agreed to try for 3 months, and if nothing happened, to go back on permanent birth control. If I got pregnant, we would roll with that, if not I would be at peace that at least I tried.
I was pregnant the next month. She was the wonderful bonus, the second child I didn''t think I would have, and yes NOW I am done

.

 

[packrat]

*I* don''t want to be done, and *JD* doesn''t want to be done. Finances tell us differently. Trapper was really hard on me, and I worry about the risk of things going up as I get older. That being said, we could adopt, and did talk about it a couple different times, quite seriously. But again, finances. We''re already paycheck to paycheck. We won''t go on welfare to have another baby. The lottery decides to fall in our laps, yeah, there''s more babies headed our way.

 

[MMMD]

My DH is an only child and he said he loved it growing up because he didn''t have to share. Now that he''s an adult and his parents are gone he wishes he''d had a sibling. Badly. We have 2 kids because to be honest, I think growing up an only child is tough on a kid. I can certainly understand why some couples stop at one child but I felt that my DH had a great deal of pressure on him to please his parents and be everything to them since they focused all of their attention on him. But that''s really not the case with OP''s situation. The 2 steps arent that much older and definitely count as siblings. I guess you have to decide if you want to raise another child and I agree wholeheartedly with Jas12. Many more people regret not having the last baby than regret having it. Good luck with your decision.

 

[sillyberry]

Date: 5/4/2010 9:03:09 AM
Author:lknvrb4
My husband and I have been agonizing over this decision for months. We currently have three children. I have two from a previous marriage ages 6.5 and almost 5. We have a 16 month old son together. I am 33 and my husband is 36. We have more reasons to not have another child than to have one. But there is that one thing both in the back of our heads that just won''t let us commit to hubby ''getting fixed''. I can''t explain what it is in the back of my mind. For those of you who were an only child between your own parents did you long to have a brother and sister who was your own? I worry that if we had another one it would be like shooting myself in the foot because things are finally getting to the point where we can do things and have extra things. I wish there was a clear choice but there is not. Anyone have an words of wisdom?

I have two half-sisters that are 10 and 9 years older than I am and I lived with them until they left for college. Growing up I always felt like they were my "real" sisters and never longed for another kid who shared the same parents. Honestly it never occurred to me to want a full-blooded sibling.

So I wouldn''t worry too much about that concern, if I were you.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I can''t comment from a mother''s perspective, but my boyfriend grew up in the exact same situation - he was the baby of the family and he had two older half-brothers (children from his mom''s first marriage). The age difference is almost exactly the same as the age difference between your kids.

His perspective is that he never felt like his brothers were his half-brothers; they were always his brothers, no ifs, ands or buts. His parents were really good about treating them the same and he has no regrets about not having a full-blooded sibling (though he says he does wish he had had a little sister since they were all boys!).

That''s just one perspective, but I hope it helps, and good luck on your decision.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 5/4/2010 2:35:38 PM
Author: MC

Date: 5/4/2010 9:03:09 AM

Author:lknvrb4

My husband and I have been agonizing over this decision for months. We currently have three children. I have two from a previous marriage ages 6.5 and almost 5. We have a 16 month old son together. I am 33 and my husband is 36. We have more reasons to not have another child than to have one. But there is that one thing both in the back of our heads that just won''t let us commit to hubby ''getting fixed''. I can''t explain what it is in the back of my mind. For those of you who were an only child between your own parents did you long to have a brother and sister who was your own? I worry that if we had another one it would be like shooting myself in the foot because things are finally getting to the point where we can do things and have extra things. I wish there was a clear choice but there is not. Anyone have an words of wisdom?

If you guys cannot ''commit'' to getting fixed, then just use birth control for the time being. An aquaintance of mine and her husband felt the same way. Just a lingering feeling that they may not be done. It took about six years before they realized that they did want another child and went ahead and did so.

totally agree with MC. my oldest 2 are 20 months apart and I was 100% sure I was done. But, there was this feeling that we just weren''t ready to commit to the snip and waited. when my youngest was 2 I started thinking maybe one more but hubby wasn''t completely on board. about a year after that he brought it up that he thought we should go for one more and I agreed and now we have our 3rd. when I was preggo with him I knew the whole time that I didn''t want any more. I still feel that way and my youngest is 2. we''re done and both my hubby and I agree and he''s scheduled for the snip. don''t do anything permanent until you know for sure you are done. you guys are both young so I wouldn''t do anything just yet. My hubby is 45 and I''m 37 and we''re just now committing to being done

 

[Kaleigh]

I''d wait and see how things go. Having a sibling for the LO would be great, but only if you can swing it, etc... Only you can answer that.