DH Debacles - Is this okay????

[LitigatorChick]

So I believe my husband is now having a midlife crisis. Case in point. He went out for a couple drinks last night after work, ended up not getting home until some very late hour. I don''t know the exact hour, as when I woke up, he was not anywhere in the house. So I got ready for work, said goodbye to my nanny, went into the garage, only to find my husband passed out in the car. He did not drive home, and I have no idea why he passed out in the car. I told him to get the f**k out of the car, as I have to go to work, and left. I have not talked to him since.

Is this okay? I am okay with a few debacles, but this seems excessive. He is a 32 year old man with a wife (so far) and a 2 year old son. Does this indicate a problem? I just want some feedback.

 

[ladypirate]

Is it possible that in an inebriated state, he thought it made sense to sleep in the car rather than coming to bed and waking you up? I''m not trying to defend him, but there may be an explanation.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I doubt it - he would sleep on the sofa. I expect that he forgot or worse yet, lost, his keys, could not get in the house, didn't want to ring the bell and wake me and the baby, so slept in the car.

 

[Octavia]

LC, has anything like this ever happened before? If he''s getting into a pattern of this kind of behavior, it could indicate that he''s developing a problem with alcohol, depression, a combination, or something else. I don''t really know, but you''d have a better idea of what else is going on. If this is the first time something like this has ever happened, you probably need to sit down with him and discuss what is and isn''t acceptable behavior for each of you (as in, would he be cool with it if you did what he did? I''m guessing not...and while some people may not mind the double standard, it''s not something I''d ever personally be okay with, YMMV). I don''t think that not speaking to him is the answer, though, since non-communication usually leads to more problems than it''s worth.

Good luck, I hope it was just a random act of weirdness and that he''s sorry for making you worried and irritated.

 

[bee*]

I wouldn''t worry too much if it was a once off, but if it happens a couple of times I''d be having words. Has he apologised or said anything to you about it at all.

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree, don''t worry unless it is a pattern. If it is, then worry, and have a talk with him. He has to be responsible and that so was not

 

[decodelighted]

Lemmie get this straight .... your husband doesn''t come home, you wake up & find him PASSED OUT IN THE CAR and your only response is "get the F out"?

Did you ask him if he was okay? Is this normal behavior, so much that you weren''t SHOCKED by it?

I''d have been so concerned that I would have probably been *late* to work trying to figure out what happened & maybe even suggesting medical attention depending on his accounting of events.

To storm off without any answers & then ask a forum if his behavior is "okay" INSTEAD OF HIM ...

 

[neatfreak]

LC: No, this is not ok. But you need to talk to him about it. Especially coupled with the way he has been treating you and Miller re: his parents, etc. his behavior is NOT acceptable. You deserve an explanation for why he is behaving this way.

 

[ellaila]

I find this NOT okay on so many levels. Yes, everyone is entitled to go out and blow off a little steam now and then but to not even call you once all night to let you know where he was, when he''d be home, that he was alive?? Not acceptable. You''re his wife and the mother of his child, not some roommate who he can just blow off. Then for you to leave this morning without even getting the story from him, making sure everything was OK - also not acceptable. I understand you being furious with him - I would be too! - but I think that I''d have a lot more to say to my husband in this situation than "Get the F out."

From an outsider''s point of view, it doesn''t sound like either of you has much respect for the other to be honest.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

You said your husband is having a "midlife crisis." Wouldn't this be only after much evidence of him continually conducting himself in a new and negative manner from his previous behavior? What OTHER things has he done to make you believe he's in a crisis?

One time, him doing this, in my book, isn't exactly problematic, even though him not calling you is very rude.

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/3/2008 1:13:16 PM
Author: decodelighted
Lemmie get this straight .... your husband doesn''t come home, you wake up & find him PASSED OUT IN THE CAR and your only response is ''get the F out''?

Did you ask him if he was okay? Is this normal behavior, so much that you weren''t SHOCKED by it?

I''d have been so concerned that I would have probably been *late* to work trying to figure out what happened & maybe even suggesting medical attention depending on his accounting of events.

To storm off without any answers & then ask a forum if his behavior is ''okay'' INSTEAD OF HIM ...

I have to agree with deco. I would have been terribly worried about my hubby if this happened, but perhaps that''s because he rarely drinks, and when he does it''s never enough to affect his state of mind.

I can understand how you''d be extremely upset with him, but perhaps you should think about why you were mad before you were concerned. Is this becoming a habit? Are you generally mad at him, and this was a good excuse to be really mad? If so, please go out and seek some professional help. I''m only saying this because I have first-hand experience with what happens when two spouses harbor ill feelings toward each other for years and don''t deal with them. (My parents are divorcing after 30 years, it''s horrible. It could have been prevented if they had dealt with things sooner.)

Good luck. I''m sure you''re feeling all torn up about this right now, and I hope you feel better and get some answers soon.

 

[butterfly 17]

I would also be worried about him potentially leaving the car on with a closed garage. What if he inhales too much carbon monoxide and/or is too inebriated to realize what is going on. The outcome could be lethal!

Also, there was an episode on Oprah a few years ago where a man had left the engine running in his closed garage and left for work and his wife who was sleeping in the upstairs bedroom right above the garage was later found dead. Apparently she had inhaled the toxic fumes that had seeped into the house during her sleep!!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 10/3/2008 1:13:16 PM
Author: decodelighted
Lemmie get this straight .... your husband doesn''t come home, you wake up & find him PASSED OUT IN THE CAR and your only response is ''get the F out''?

Did you ask him if he was okay? Is this normal behavior, so much that you weren''t SHOCKED by it?

I''d have been so concerned that I would have probably been *late* to work trying to figure out what happened & maybe even suggesting medical attention depending on his accounting of events.

To storm off without any answers & then ask a forum if his behavior is ''okay'' INSTEAD OF HIM ...

Agreed here too. This happened to me once and I was so mad at my DH that I said something like "What the F is wrong with you, you Fing idiot?!" because he NEVER has too much to drink and I was angry that he made a bad decision.

Because it only happened once I should have asked him if he was okay. I was just so angry that I couldn''t see past my own anger. It only hit me later that I should make sure he was okay, then let him sober up and get back to feeling normal before discussing it.

Still, sorry this happened. I understand why it would make you angry because it is irresponsible, but we all make mistakes. I hope that you can soon start laughing about the morning you found him in the car.

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/3/2008 2:00:15 PM
Author: butterfly 17
I would also be worried about him potentially leaving the car on with a closed garage. What if he inhales too much carbon monoxide and/or is too inebriated to realize what is going on. The outcome could be lethal!

Also, there was an episode on Oprah a few years ago where a man had left the engine running in his closed garage and left for work and his wife who was sleeping in the upstairs bedroom right above the garage was later found dead. Apparently she had inhaled the toxic fumes that had seeped into the house during her sleep!!!

A totally valid concern, but I don't think he had actually driven the car home that night; LitChick said he probably fell asleep in the car when he got home. (And if he had driven, I would be most concerned that he was driving drunk!!!!)

Anyway, let us know how you're doing, LitChick.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

LitChick, I don't blame you for being annoyed with him . . . I would be too. I think it's very irresponsible for a married man ~ especially one who is a father ~ to pull a stunt like this. At the absolute minimum, he should have called you. Do you have any idea where he was all that time? I think his behavior was totally out of line.

That said, if it's a one-time occurrence, I can see letting this one slide. Don't get me wrong though, you still should DEFINITELY have a very serious conversation with him about boundaries and what is and isn't appropriate for a husband/father to be doing in your opinion.

However, if he has done this before, you might be dealing with a bigger problem here. I noticed in another thread that you are considering taking a vacation without him. Is this because he can't get away from work to go with you, or because you want a break from him? Granted, all couples need a break from each other from time to time, but most don't take several days or a week at a time . . . just a day or so at most, in my experience anyway. Of course, this is totally up to the couple in question, and it might be absolutely normal for the two of you. If, however, you're feeling like you need to GET AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT NOW, then that might be a bad sign. If you think your relationship as a whole is not doing very well lately, maybe couples therapy would be something to consider?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and please let us know how you're doing.

 

[Maisie]

I think people react to situations differently. While one person might storm off in annoyance, another might stay and be more understanding.

If it was my husband I would have had a go at him. I am like that. React now and regret it later. It would be unusual for my hubby to go out and get drunk so I would hope it was a one off. If it kept happening I would have a big problem with it. I am a non drinker and don''t like people being drunk around me.

I don''t think that coming here and asking for advice was the wrong thing to do. We all need to vent sometimes.

 

[purrfectpear]

Some of you young women are certainly a lot more tolerant of what is acceptable behavior in a marriage than I would be

You''re married, you don''t go out and get drunk. Period. Seriously if Litagator Chick had gone out with the girls, stayed out till who knows when, and been discovered passed out in the garage wouldn''t we have thought she was blowing off her marriage and on the road to ruin?

I think it''s perfectly OK to have evenings out alone with friends, but have things changed so much that getting drunk with them and showing up at the homefront after midnight has become adult behavior

I always had a good time, had a couple of cocktails, and then said to my friends "well you guys have fun now, I need to get home to hubby".

My mind is boggled.

 

[ljmorgan]

Apparently this doesn''t really bother some people -- if I were you, my husband would be in a world of trouble. I could never imagine him being so irresponsible. I''m sure you can''t imagine your husband being that irresponsible either. I would have told him the same thing that you did. Shame on him! I don''t really have any advice, because I''m pretty sure you''ll tell him to try that ever, ever again and see what happens. He''s 32, tell him to act like an adult.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Its hard to say if you should be concerned.

If it were me, I''d be mad. And I''d probably punish him for his behavior for a while, by either ignoring him--or by being really b*tchy. And I think, more than anything, I''d be annoyed. As a husband and a father I think his "party all night" days are wayyyyyy over... and in my opinion, the only time he should be pulling an all nighter, is if a sick baby is involved. That''s not to say I''m a wet blanket, I think everyone deserves a chance to chill...and if he wants to spend his time having a few drinks with the boys, thats okay...but, get sloppy pass-the-f-out drunk is not okay in my book.

I would, at this point, sit down and hash it out. You need to know the "whys " in order to properly gage how concerned you should be... Then, I think you''ll know your answer...

 

[Aloros]

If this was a one-time thing, I might be inclined to let it go, but not until after a serious talking-to.

I make a point to always know where my FI is, and to always let him know where I am - it''s not just a matter of courtesy, it''s also a matter of safety. If either of us do not call or do not show up when we say we will, then the other will know that something is seriously wrong. Once in a while we''ll each go out with our respective friends, but we''re always back before bedtime.

I think this is just unacceptable behavior, especially when there are children involved. It''s unreliable and irresponsible.

 

[Kay]

Honestly, I would not consider one event like this a crisis. It would be different if it happened frequently, or if there have been other issues. If it had been my DH, I would have asked if he was ok, teased him a bit, and then drug him inside to put him to bed with a trash can next to the bed and a big glass of water. Later in the day I would have told him I had been very worried about him and remind him to please call me in the future.

I guess DH and I are just a lot more relaxed about this than some people are. We are both social drinkers, me more than him, although we have slowed down a lot in our 30''s. I don''t think it is that odd to go out with your friends and occasionally (like once or twice a year) have a little too much to drink and have the designated driver drop your drunk a$$ off at home. The trick is to remember to call your spouse to give them a heads up before you get too drunk to remember to call.

 

[Elmorton]

Kay, I mostly agree - I don''t think that going out is a major sin or a violation of trust or a sign of a midlife crisis. Though DH and I are still basically newlyweds, we still do have nights out, but those nights are definitely planned in advance. Last fall, we both went out with work friends on Friday nights and we''d come back practically in the morning - one night DH crawled into bed around 7am because of a neverending poker game, and another I ended up crashing with a friend. The difference there is that I knew where he was when I woke up in the middle of the night and vice versa. No matter how you go about it, getting drunk is, in its essence, dangerous behavior, and though I think you can be a little more responsible about it, I wouldn''t dream of getting tanked and not calling DH to let him know where I was and that I''m safe. I know he''d be beside himself as would I if he didn''t come home. If this situation happened in our relationship, I can tell you that the first emotion would be anger and the second would be extreme hurt and pain for putting the other in such a scary position. It would definitely warrant a discussion and some serious apologies.

 

[LaraOnline]

A one-off is a funny story. Don''t start worrying yet.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 10/3/2008 5:36:59 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Some of you young women are certainly a lot more tolerant of what is acceptable behavior in a marriage than I would be

You''re married, you don''t go out and get drunk. Period. Seriously if Litagator Chick had gone out with the girls, stayed out till who knows when, and been discovered passed out in the garage wouldn''t we have thought she was blowing off her marriage and on the road to ruin?

I think it''s perfectly OK to have evenings out alone with friends, but have things changed so much that getting drunk with them and showing up at the homefront after midnight has become adult behavior

I always had a good time, had a couple of cocktails, and then said to my friends ''well you guys have fun now, I need to get home to hubby''.

My mind is boggled.

I have to agree. Once married, we did not go out separately drinking with friends all evening. I think that is really risky behavior.

 

[diamondfan]

I have occasional girls nights out, I have been married a long time and think it is fine. We might even have a cosmo or two. But I think he is in some sort of crisis. I would talk to him and see if you can glean what is bothering him. This is not normal or even acceptable behavior.

 

[Kaleigh]

It's not okay. But I find what you said to him once you found him a tad disturbing. I would have wanted to make sure he was okay, before leaving for work. Get the F*** out??? Leaves me a bit speechless. I would at least have checked him out. I am a freak about medical stuff. But that's just me. I hope you guys get counseling. If not that a long chat, and talk about what is bothering him. I was guessing he came home and didn't want to wake you up, had lost his key.....

 

[Miranda]

Have you talked to him about it? I think only you can answer your question as we all have different norms. If this is a one time thing I think it can be explained as a lapse in judgement - I''d still be worried about why he was so plastered. If behavior like this is normal, well, I''d be concerned.

 

[Hera]

"Get the F*** out" was harsh (and disrespectful) if he hadn''t done it before. I would have been concerned about his health as well. Also, I don''t think there''s anything wrong with occasionally going out with friends and having drinks. I really wouldn''t worry about a midlife crisis as long as it doesn''t become a pattern. *If* it happens again let him know you''ll come pick him up rather than take the chance he''ll drive home drunk. I say after three times, he starts getting obscenities called out at him

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I don''t have any helpful advice, but it if were my DH, I would kill him. I take drinking way too much REALLY seriously and if he went out while I was at home, drank that much and didn''t so much as call me, he would be sleeping in the garage for the next week.

 

[princesss]

If this is an isolated incident, it may not mean he''s in the middle of a midlife crisis, but there may be some alcoholism lurking around. (Now, please keep in mind, I tend to take alcohol issues *very* seriously.) If he set a limit for himself ("just a few drinks") and couldn''t stick with it (ends up sleeping in the car) I''d be very concerned. I''d talk to him about why it happened, and ask that he try to stick to a limit when he goes out for a little while. But I would be very concerned if this were becoming a regular thing.