Coming of age and drinking

[Maisie]

My son turned 18 last weekend. On the night before his birthday his girlfriend gave him a party at her house. He got so drunk that he was ill all the next day and missed his birthday dinner with the family. A restaurant had been booked and he sat in the car throwing up into plastic bags while the family celebrated inside without him. It was his Dad's side of the family and I don't understand why they didn't just bring him home.

We sat him down and talked to him about mixing his drinks and drinking responsibly. He seemed to understand that he should be more sensible.

He went to his Dad's last night and decided to go out for a drink at the pub with some friends. (The legal age for drinking here is 1 He got very drunk again. He was very sick this morning with really bad stomach cramps. He asked his Dad to give him a lift home but he wouldn't saying 'he needed to learn a lesson'. Now its at least a half hour bus journey from there to here.

I got a phone call from Tom saying he had collapsed at the side of the road and a person passing in a car stopped and gave him water. The passer-by wouldn't leave him till I got there to collect him. We got there as quickly as we could to find him being sick again.

Tom has been drinking in the house for about a year now. We never let him drink too much or get drunk. He seemed to know his limits with us there. Now it seems that he has no limits - he just wants to drink himself sick. I know this is normal but the fact that he passed out really worries me. I know I have to let him grow up and learn - but ultimately I just can't stand seeing him do this.

I also can't stand him thowing up. His younger siblings get upset when he does this too.

I think there are talks about raising the legal age for drinking to 21 here. I hope they do!

How can I encourage him to be responsible? My husband thinks he will get this out of his system and calm down soon enough. I was never like this at his age. Maybe its a boy thing?


Who'd be a parent!!

 

[erica k]

oh maisie, i'm so sorry to hear about your son. i'm not sure i have any advice, but i have been thinking about this issue for a long time.

a major issue in my mind is the level of peer pressure that your son may be feeling. i don't think it's just a boy thing, because there were so many girls who fell into the same trap at my college. now, i don't think his friends have any sinister intentions, but it certainly isn't fun to be the person holding back when everyone else is drinking as much as they can.

speaking as a person with very low alcohol tolerance, my strategy has always been to order something that is very strong (e.g. bourbon, neat). as i would slowly sip away, my friends would continue ordering drinks. they might cajole me to join in another round of something at first, but after a while, they would be too drunk to remember how many drinks i've actually had.

maybe your son feels like he has no choice but to keep up with his friends. or perhaps there are other reasons why your son is drinking so much all of a sudden. being hungover once in a while isn't necessarily a bad thing in my books, but passing out can be very scary and dangerous.

at the very least, tell him to drink a lot of water, order snacks, and pace himself. hugs to you!

edit to add: what i meant about the sinister intentions is that there are often hazing rituals at colleges that end in alcohol poisoning, and even fatalities. pushing someone past their limits is not very nice.

 

[baby monster]

Maisie, sorry to hear about your son passing out. Unfortunately, it is quite common among guys to drink entirely too much. A lot of guys I know went through a 10 year phase of going out to get wasted. I''m not quite sure what the best way to approach this because it is not my idea of fun to drink until I throw up but it seems that a lot of young guys think it is a macho thing to do.

 

[Rhea]

Do you think that putting off legal drinking in pubs for another 3 years would have made him more responsible? At 18 I was still at home while at 21 I was in university and no one would have known how to get in touch with my parents should I have drank too much and passed out.

Is this maybe an occasion thing? I recently had a leaving doo at work and people bought all kinds of drinks. I prefer to buy wine by the glass so I can count exactly how many I've had, but when everyone wants to buy you a drink (and there are more than 3 people in the room!) it can be hard to say no or leave it on the table. Maybe that is a macho thing...or being too immature to flat out say no and walk away, which I find incredibly hard to do at a party or celebration in my honour. Even now, in my mid 20s, I find it hard to strike a perfect balance of saying no like you mean it without coming off too harsh when people want to do something they perceive as nice - such as buy you a drink. Does he need help to pre-prepare an out or excuse if this is the case?

I hope that your son stays safe and that he got all his drinking out of his system this week. Hopefully he hasn't done anything that a nice fry-up can't cure. I don't envy your position in the least.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

maisie,
i am sorry about your son''s behavior lately. my husband drank in high school and college and after 20+years of drinking quite a bit at times, he developed pancreatitis and almost died 3 years ago. he has not had a drop since. i agree that this can be typical and somewhat "normal" for your son''s age(my daughter went to university 2 years ago and did her share of "experimenting"-now her course load is too difficult and she really doesn''t have the time/inclination to party thank goodness) but i would want to discuss with him the responsibilities of having a drinking social life, your concern for his health and safety, and the possiblity of drinking heavily becoming a habit/addiction. binge drinking to excess can become a big issue in a person''s life.
i was forbidden to drink(but my brother was/is a drug addict) before i went off to college, and i did dabble in drinking during college-everyone is individual and people''s bodies have different tolerances for the stuff i think. it has never been my "drug" of choice(i prefer chocolate

)
my son is almost 18, will graduate before summer and headed to university in the fall. he is a fairly new type 1 diabetic and up until now has been a very studious, athletic homebody type. because of his diabetic issues i have read extensively about what drinking can do to a diabetic(grossly affect insulin levels and he could truly pass out/die if someone does not recognize his special needs) much of the reading suggests letting him have his first beer "at home" so he can be monitored. as of yet, he has shown zero interest in drinking or a social life, but it does cross my mind. i know he wants to be seen as normal and accepted by peers-
this is a hard part of parenting-allowing them to choose, make decisions and grow into the adults they will become. i will be thinking of you. i think the drinking issue is a loaded one(but so is the sex issue, if your young adult son/daughter has a significant other) this is one of the hard stages of parenting. there seems to be nothing about a kid turning 18 that allows us to quit parenting them. i hope he settles down a bit SOON for you. bless your heart.
ps i hope i did not say anything to offend. i have coached my daughter about drinking but she has made her own decisions....

 

[surfgirl]

I dont know, personally I dont think it''s "normal" for an 18 year old to get so pissed nearly nightly that he passes out and is constantly puking. You asked what to do? If it was me, I''d drag his butt to an AA meeting pronto. Nip this nonsense in the bud. I dont think it''s abnormal to maybe have a little too much on one''s 18th bday (though I''d be hard pressed to know one friend who got so drunk on their 18th that they puked and passed out), but this sounds like it''s becoming a daily happening and to me, that spells "problem." It seems clear that with his legal drinking status, he seems unable to control his drinking and exercise good judgment. Honestly, I''d deal with it as seriously as I could - now - not a year or two from now when it''s possibly even more of a problem. Good luck!

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/13/2008 11:59:36 AM
Author: surfgirl
I dont know, personally I dont think it''s ''normal'' for an 18 year old to get so pissed nearly nightly that he passes out and is constantly puking. You asked what to do? If it was me, I''d drag his butt to an AA meeting pronto. Nip this nonsense in the bud. I dont think it''s abnormal to maybe have a little too much on one''s 18th bday (though I''d be hard pressed to know one friend who got so drunk on their 18th that they puked and passed out), but this sounds like it''s becoming a daily happening and to me, that spells ''problem.'' It seems clear that with his legal drinking status, he seems unable to control his drinking and exercise good judgment. Honestly, I''d deal with it as seriously as I could - now - not a year or two from now when it''s possibly even more of a problem. Good luck!

Yeah, Karen-The-Oh-So-Serious will weigh in with a hearty hi-ho, "AMEN!" to that sentiment. Wanting to go out drinking because you are now legal is normal, being completely unable to stop until you''re so toxic you pass out is NOT. There have been some recent studies done that showed that the parts of the brain involved in impulse control and inhibiting risky behavior, don''t mature completely until around 25. When he was drinking at home he had YOU to be his "control", but now that he''s out by himself with other people who are liable to be lacking in control and no one to impose control from without, he may not have any of his own. Binge drinking is, in its own way, as serious as full-blown alcoholism. He could literally drink himself to death, so thinking of it as "learning a lesson" may not be the best approach to take. I''m curious if there are any confirmed alcoholics on either side of the family? Genetics does play a huge role in alcoholism. Also, I''ve known at least one person who was suffering from clinical depression (didn''t know it though until many years later) who insightfully admitted after several years of the proper meds, that she was pretty sure she had been unconsciously self-medicating - drugs, alcohol to excess for several years - to try to correct that brain imbalance - to change her mood.

I''m not sure I have a clue what to suggest you do - too heavy a hand may be counterproductive, but taking this situation as anything less that seriously probably isn''t it either.

I''ll be keeping your family in my thoughts. Tough time right now, for sure.

 

[bee*]

Not sure what advice I can give, but it is strange that he has drank a couple of nights in a row that much. Legal age is 18 over here also and I remember at D''s debs night (like the prom in US), I drank so much that I passed out for a few hours. That was nearly 9 years ago and I have never drank that much again. I don''t think that raising the drinking age will change things. I had a drink or two at 16 even though it wasn''t legal. I would have thought that he would have learnt his lesson after the first night.

 

[ephemery1]

Maisie, so sorry to hear about your son's unpleasant initiation into drinking!! I can't imagine how upsetting it must be as a parent, but I can say that level of drinking is VERY common here in the US... it's just usually kept hidden from the parents. Binge drinking has become almost a "culture" for many, many college and high school students (the majority of whom are not yet 21) and seems to be getting worse despite all the programs that have been created to address it... so I doubt changing the legal drinking age would help much. My DH is a VERY responsible, intelligent person who drinks only occasionally now (and only a few drinks at a time), but in college, he and his fraternity friends drank enormous amounts, passed out on a regular basis, and often spent entire days being hungover. It was just a way of life for them during that time. Same with both my younger brothers.

Honestly, I would imagine that your son is just excited to be 18, and learning his lesson the hard way... and he'll probably slow down considerably now that he realizes how unpleasant the consequences are. (I think his dad may have done the right thing by refusing to give him a ride!) If you have alcoholism in the family, it may be worth sharing that with him so he understands his increased risk factor, but otherwise, I think he will probably grow out of this phase. At the very least, you can make it clear to him that you expect him to show up for all family events (like birthday parties) in a healthy state, so that he knows he can NOT over-drink the night before... and hopefully he will maintain that responsibility.

I know it is hard, but don't worry TOO much... this is (sadly) more common than it should be.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/13/2008 11:59:36 AM
Author: surfgirl
I dont know, personally I dont think it''s ''normal'' for an 18 year old to get so pissed nearly nightly that he passes out and is constantly puking. You asked what to do? If it was me, I''d drag his butt to an AA meeting pronto. Nip this nonsense in the bud. I dont think it''s abnormal to maybe have a little too much on one''s 18th bday (though I''d be hard pressed to know one friend who got so drunk on their 18th that they puked and passed out), but this sounds like it''s becoming a daily happening and to me, that spells ''problem.'' It seems clear that with his legal drinking status, he seems unable to control his drinking and exercise good judgment. Honestly, I''d deal with it as seriously as I could - now - not a year or two from now when it''s possibly even more of a problem. Good luck!

Ditto! I think it is a problem considering the fact that kids can die from doing this. Our son had a drinking problem that only got worse over time. It threw his brain into turmoil and we went through literal hell. I don''t know that we could have stopped it, but finally 9 weeks in a rehab facility helped him overcome it. It has taken a lot of time since then for his body to adjust to not having alcohol and also for his brain to heal and be able to concentrate, etc.

I do not consider the fact that a lot of kids do it means it is acceptable. It is extremely dangerous to some. And I do think the legal drinking age at 21 has helped here. I definitely think it is a mistake for parents to allow a child under 18 to drink daily even at home. You are enabling them to develop a habit that they may not be able to control.

 

[iheartscience]

Hmm...I would have thought he would have learned his lesson after the first time he was throwing up all day. It only took one bad hangover like that to teach me my lesson, but maybe boys take a little longer to catch on? I think so far, it''s not really completely unusual for him to be doing this. Many young people just go over the top with drinking once they have easy access to alcohol, whether they''re of age or not. Although it''s alarming and obviously unhealthy, I do think it''s somewhat "normal" for a boy his age.

I actually agree with his dad not giving him a ride home, although I''m sure his collapsing on the side of the road is not what his dad intended. If he does it again I certainly wouldn''t give him a ride anywhere or do anything to help him feel better. (Obviously if he needs medical attention I would help, but other than that, too bad for him!)

I think it''s probably very likely that he''ll slow down once the novelty of drinking in bars/pubs wears off. (Although when I was in England at age 17 I had no problem getting drinks out, so he may have already been able to get drinks out.) I would keep a close eye on him, and if he continues to drink so much that he passes out and throws up the next day, I would assume that he does have a drinking problem.

I would also definitely talk to him about the real dangers of passing out and choking on his own vomit, as well as what can happen to a person when they''re completely unaware of their surroundings. But hopefully he''s gotten it out of his system and it won''t happen again.

 

[swingirl]

Wait, the drinking age is 18 and you've allowed him to drink at home for the past year??

It sounds like he's had alcohol poisoning more than a few times. I am sorry for your son and it must be difficult to watch as parents.

I disagree that it's "normal". (I have a 21 year old and 18 year old, no drinking at home. It's not encouraged.)

 

[cara]

It is normal but it is not good. Since it is legal where you are, I would concentrate on the health issues and the interference with other activities. If his drinking interferes with other activities in his life, threatens his health (passing out on side of road), or upsets other people around him (throwing up around small kids), it is a problem. It may be just a phase or it may be the beginning of an addiction - who can tell? All addicts start sometime. That said, just taking him to AA might shock him into different behavior, or he might see it as parental overreaction. It is not a pill that will somehow keep him from becoming an alcoholic or stop him from binging. However you choose to make it, the big points are that binge drinking is dangerous, and when drinking interferes with other things in your life, you have a problem.

As for increasing the drinking age "solving" this problem, I don''t think it would. I mean, it would give you the added weight of drinking being illegal in your discussions with him, but clearly you don''t think it is so bad that he is drinking (as you introduced him to responsible drinking), you think it is bad that he is drinking irresponsibly and dangerously.

Plenty of underage adults (18-20) in the states drink to oblivion on a regular basis. The hypocritical, puritanical rhetoric on drinking common in the states only makes alcohol more alluring. And at least at colleges, it can increase dangerous drinking as young folks will pound liquor before going out ("frontloading") where they would otherwise stand in a long line for keg beer at the party. Not that many people don''t also get passing-out drunk on keg beer at the parties, but driving underage kids to drink liquor in closets because they can''t drink beer in the open is not helpful, IMO.

 

[Maisie]

I think I need to point a couple of things out here.

Firstly the legal age for drinking in the home in the UK is actually 5! I would never give a 5 year old alcohol but thats what our laws state.

Secondly I don't think my son has a drinking problem. I am not saying he won't develop one if he keeps on the way he is going - but he has only ever been in a pub on his own once which was last night. The only other time he has been drunk was on his 18th birthday which was a week ago. Hardly on a nightly basis as someone implied. He isn't one of those kids you see with a bottle on a street corner either!

I have not been giving him drinks on a regular basis. He has had wine with a meal or a drink at new year etc.

I posted here to see if anyone else has been in my situation and to see if you could offer any help. I wanted to see how to encourage him to be sensible and treat alcohol with respect.

I wish I hadn't posted now as I have been made to feel like a bad mother who plys her child with alcohol!

 

[Rhea]

Maisie, please don't feel like that. As I've said in other threads I'm American but moved to the UK a couple of years ago. Without understanding UK culture and US cultural and having children I think this thread would be very tough to comment on. The two cultures are so different when it comes to drinking and parenting practices. There are plenty of American households where I came from that think that drinking is bad full stop. I've gone to plenty of dry weddings in the US and lived in a dry county for a while. I can't imagine that happening in the UK!

If you visit any websites that have a higher percentage of people from the same part of the world or with children of approx the same age I'm sure that you'd get an entirely different set of answers.

As for me, when I started drinking a glass of wine with dinner every night (at legal drinking age in my country) my mother had a talk with me about her concerns about me becoming an alcoholic. And when my co-workers of a similar age found out they confronted me seriously about my having an alcohol problem...over a glass of wine with dinner. The same co-workers thought nothing of binging until they puked at the weekend though.

Just because you parent according to what is culturally acceptable in your area doesn't mean that you're a bad parent and force alcohol down your son's throat. I'm sure that many parents have had a similar problem as drinking when their children come of age (taking out of consideration what age that is or whether or not the child has ever tasted alcohol before or not) appears to be huge problem in several areas.

Not that I'm a big help (I'm not a parent so I can't exactly understand your situation) but I did a quick search on the NHS website, the Department of Health website, and BBC news and those three sources had some facts, figures, articles, and suggestions that may apply to your situation if you care to wade through them.

 

[Pandora II]

Hi Maisie,

As one of 4 kids who have all gone through this, I think it''s probably a temporary blip.

Is your son going on to University?

The main way to restrict drink/drugs amongst young people in the UK is to restrict the $$$ (it''s unusual for someone under 30 here to NOT have tried drugs at University and I don''t know anyone who didn''t get plastered at least once).

My parents made me get a job in the holidays for all my pocket money - so I was working in the evenings and couldn''t do anything I shouldn''t, and when you''ve slogged away for hours on min. wage you think twice about how you spend it.

The kids I knew who got seriously into drink/drugs were given way too much money by their parents.

(On drinking at home, my dad - who''s a doctor - resorted to putting whisky in my bottle to get me to sleep as a baby! I was hell on earth till I was 9 months old!)

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/13/2008 4:43:25 PM
Author: Maisie
I think I need to point a couple of things out here.

Firstly the legal age for drinking in the home in the UK is actually 5! I would never give a 5 year old alcohol but thats what our laws state.

Secondly I don''t think my son has a drinking problem. I am not saying he won''t develop one if he keeps on the way he is going - but he has only ever been in a pub on his own once which was last night. The only other time he has been drunk was on his 18th birthday which was a week ago. Hardly on a nightly basis as someone implied. He isn''t one of those kids you see with a bottle on a street corner either!

I have not been giving him drinks on a regular basis. He has had wine with a meal or a drink at new year etc.

I posted here to see if anyone else has been in my situation and to see if you could offer any help. I wanted to see how to encourage him to be sensible and treat alcohol with respect.

I wish I hadn''t posted now as I have been made to feel like a bad mother who plys her child with alcohol!

Well, I have to agree that no one should be judging you to be a bad parent on the basis of your post. There clearly isn''t enough info to make that judgement. I hardly think you''re the only parent to let a child drink in controlled situations in the home. It''s not a hanging offense certainly. But if you truly know you''ve not plied your son with alcohol, then there is no reason to be made to feel like a bad mother. Why are you letting a bunch of strangers "make" you feel bad?? You''ve clarified, now move on. Sort through what you think might have value, and discard the rest as not germaine. Letting your feelings get into this discussion is not going to help anyone. This IS about your son, isn''t it?

That said, I personally have no problem with young people drinking in the setting you describe. It''s far healthier than the constant ranting, teetotalling attitude that you frequently find where I live. Prior to now it sounds as if you handled this as well as could be expected. If, like here in the states, he has reached his majority, other than encouragement and serious talks about the very real health risks to himself AND others (when driving a car or on a motorcycle maybe?), there is not much you CAN do, short of laying down the law since he''s still living at home. But that might be something to hold in reserve: Booting out an 18 year old to take his knocks is not something most parents have the stomach for. Again I will say, at this point - at 18 - he may not be DEVELOPMENTALLY able to stop his behavior when in certain situations, and if you have the stroke to deny him those situations for a bit longer, then maybe that could be a wedge you could use.

As I and others have noted, binge drinking, even once, IS a problem, because it only takes once to die from it. Maybe youngsters don''t do such things in the UK, or perhaps you simply don''t hear about it as much, but here you seem to read about it in the news far too often, hence the greater concern.

Only you know what is right for your situation - and how many times he has to drink to blacking out for you to decide he has a problem. Maybe these two incidents are the end, maybe they''re not, but you were concerned enough about it to post here and ask for opinions. And everyone here has pretty much said, you can take a talk-to-him/it has consequences/health risks approach, a heavy-handed approach - drag him to AA, tell him to shape up or hit the road, or sit back and wait for a clearer pattern to emerge. He''s your son, you know which approach is most likely to work given his personality. Other than that, he''s 18. If he screws up too badly, he''ll have to pay the piper like the rest of us.

 

[lyra]

Maisie, the one thing I''m not clear on (I live in Canada btw) is isn''t it against the law there for the bartender to serve someone who''s clearly already drunk? It''s a law here. That doesn''t mean kids don''t get drunk, just that they definitely do get cut off at a certain point. Maybe he''s a "lightweight drinker"? Maybe he can''t tolerate it at all and gets too drunk too fast, and before his peers.

My oldest daughter has been drunk enough to be sick *at work* once. Once was enough though. Since then, she most often just acts as the designated driver and doesn''t drink at all when they go to clubs. However, she can handle more alcohol than I ever could have. She''s told me of her tallies, and I''m shocked and amazed that she could come home and get herself to bed in a somewhat orderly fashion. She also is *well aware* that there is a history of alcoholism in my family, so she makes sure not to indulge very often at all. If anything, it inhibits her before the fact, as it always did me too. I went to clubs for a few months when I turned of age, and then basically never drank again, period.

Maybe this is a boy thing too. Hard to tell. A good talking to is in order. Falling down at the side of the road is hazardous to your son''s health, and life. If he''d hit his head, he could have died. This happened to a friend of my daughter just recently, hit his head on a curb and died just like that. Good luck. This is no fun, certainly.

 

[katebar]

Oh Maisie poor you and poor Tom! I no exactly what you are going through as I have a 19 year old son who has had similar experiences. My son didn''t drink very much but as soon as he tuned 18 he went to live at a Uni college where the culture is very much ''drink the pub dry''. He embraced this big time and after a month of this sort of behaviour he had gone through his allowance for 3 months. So we cut his allowance to $30 a week and that put the brakes on it for a while until he got a job.
We are worried too but are at a loss to know how to curb it. He has injured himself so many times by doing silly stunts but he still has as he calls it ''big nights''.
He broke his leg in November and spent all of the holidays on the couch instead of skiing in Canada. Over that 2 months he drank moderately about 2 times and we were hopeful that he had got ''it'' but alas once he returned to uni off he went again.
Binge drinking unfortunately is a feature of Uni life and young adult male life here in Australia whether we like it or not. I hope my son is slowly getting it but I not sure.
Anyway this no reflection on you at all Maise and I know you our a great mother.
Hang in there kid!

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this, Maisie. I don''t have good advice, but I just wanted to offer my support.

I do have a story:
I was a Resident Advisor in a freshman dorm during college and I saw a lot of young (and in my state, underage) drinkers getting completely sloshed night-after-night-after-night, and we tried to curb it in so many different ways. Unfortunately, the binge-drinking was such a norm at my particular school that nothing much was effective. (Even after one freshman was attacked and left in a puddle of her own blood while walking home one night--she went home for a week, came back, and went straight back to the bars. I''m not joking.)

THEN, we videotaped a room of particularly bullish drunk guys on a rampage one night and showed them the video the next day. On the TV in the floor lounge. During a floor meeting.

They were embarrassed enough to lay off for a while.

It''s just a thought . . .

Good luck with your son, Maisie. I think you''re a wonderful, caring mother for being concerned enough to share your story here.

 

[iheartscience]

Oh Maisie, I certainly don''t think you''re a bad mother! My mother is the best mother there ever was, and I still drank plenty until about age 21! (Which, by the way, is the legal drinking age here, as I''m sure you know.) I barely caught a buzz the night of my 21st birthday, even though everyone was trying to buy me shots and get me hammered. The novelty of drinking just wore off for me, and now I rarely drink.

And I used to drink quite often-so much so that my twin sister tried to have an intervention on me and tell me I was an alcoholic! (I''m definitely not-I was just in college and hanging out and partying with my friends several nights a week!) Now she drinks a lot more often than I do-maybe once a week, whereas I drink maybe once every couple of months.

Anyways, like I said before, I would just continue to watch his behavior, and make sure this doesn''t become a pattern. If he keeps not being able to control himself, it really could be indicative of a problem, but if it only happened these few times because he just turned 18, I really wouldn''t worry about it. I would definitely have a talk with him, though, because he at least needs to hear the dangers of binge drinking.

 

[katebar]

Date: 4/13/2008 3:35:26 PM
Author: cara
It is normal but it is not good. Since it is legal where you are, I would concentrate on the health issues and the interference with other activities. If his drinking interferes with other activities in his life, threatens his health (passing out on side of road), or upsets other people around him (throwing up around small kids), it is a problem. It may be just a phase or it may be the beginning of an addiction - who can tell? All addicts start sometime. That said, just taking him to AA might shock him into different behavior, or he might see it as parental overreaction. It is not a pill that will somehow keep him from becoming an alcoholic or stop him from binging. However you choose to make it, the big points are that binge drinking is dangerous, and when drinking interferes with other things in your life, you have a problem.

As for increasing the drinking age ''solving'' this problem, I don''t think it would. I mean, it would give you the added weight of drinking being illegal in your discussions with him, but clearly you don''t think it is so bad that he is drinking (as you introduced him to responsible drinking), you think it is bad that he is drinking irresponsibly and dangerously.

Plenty of underage adults (18-20) in the states drink to oblivion on a regular basis. The hypocritical, puritanical rhetoric on drinking common in the states only makes alcohol more alluring. And at least at colleges, it can increase dangerous drinking as young folks will pound liquor before going out (''frontloading'') where they would otherwise stand in a long line for keg beer at the party. Not that many people don''t also get passing-out drunk on keg beer at the parties, but driving underage kids to drink liquor in closets because they can''t drink beer in the open is not helpful, IMO.

Cara this has been my experience. I work at a university asnd we have many study abroads coming here for a semester. For some of these students one of the main drawcards is the legal drinking age of 18 here in Australia. But these are not first time drinkers these are kids with a drinking history.
I think people can be under a delusion that it not happening. i can tell you that I see on a professional basis the evidence that it is happening to many many many students who are underage AND those who can legally drink.
We have tried to come up with solutions to comabat this but they have not been embaced ny our student community.

 

[Gemma12]

Maisie,

I haven''t been in your situation but I just wanted to say I don''t think you''re a bad parent. I live in Australia and heaps of people over here (including many European families) introduce their kids to alcohol in the home before the age of 18. Some say that this decreases the likelihood of inappropriate use later on. However, most of the Western countries I''ve lived in or visited (England, Scotland, Australia, US) have a subculture of excessive drinking in some groups-particularly university students or young adults (18-25). (That is of course not to say that everyone in that situation drinks.) I don''t know if there''s a magic bullet for this problem-I suspect not.

I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

Gemma

 

[bee*]

Definitely do not feel like a bad parent Maisie! Ireland has pretty much the same drinking culture as the UK and I have to say pretty much everyone I know has gone through that stage at about his age. In fact out of a group of about 20 of us, there''s only one girl I know who hasn''t. He will grow out of it and he will learn his tolerance levels. I really am not sure though if there''s anything that you can really do about it other than talking to him about it which it seems you''ve already done. What Pandora suggests is good too. I worked part time when I went to college and once it was my own money I didn''t want to waste it on drink!

 

[Elmorton]

I agree with surfgirl - I''d go hard with AA or drug abuse counseling. When I was 18, I drank for the first time. I had an older friend who was in college, and the entire point of the visit was to "get trashed." I drank so much that I blacked out, was puking all over (including on the guy I liked), that everyone else there was asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital (this is the only part I remember - in my head I was saying YES! but apparently I kept on shaking my head no and continued to puke). It was HORRIBLE - I definitely had alcohol poisoning and I''m very, very lucky I didn''t choke on my own vomit and die. I felt like hell the next morning, my clothes stank, and I was completely embarrassed.

The point of this story is that I never, ever, ever drank like that again. First of all, my friends wouldn''t LET me drink like that (nobody noticed how much I was drinking the first time - any time after that, they definitely did). It scared all of us. Second, I simply didn''t want to drink like that. It wasn''t even remotely fun. When I went to college, I did abuse alcohol (just like everyone else), but never again like that. What bothers me about your son''s story is that it''s just not normal to puke out your guts one night and want to do it again the next night. I definitely hung with the partying frat boys in college, and even the most hard-core would at least take it easy the second night - unless they had a serious problem with alcohol.

My parents were like you - they let me drink at home (with meals, special occasions or a beer here and there). I don''t think it''s bad parenting to teach their child how to drink responsibly. But, I really think he needs some intervention before the problem grows.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 4/13/2008 9:48:56 AM
Author:Maisie
A restaurant had been booked and he sat in the car throwing up into plastic bags

He got very drunk again. He was very sick this morning with really bad stomach cramps.

he had collapsed at the side of the road and a person passing in a car stopped and gave him water. The passer-by wouldn't leave him till I got there to collect him. We got there as quickly as we could to find him being sick again.

We never let him drink too much or get drunk. He seemed to know his limits with us there. Now it seems that he has no limits - he just wants to drink himself sick. I know this is normal but the fact that he passed out really worries me. I know I have to let him grow up and learn - but ultimately I just can't stand seeing him do this.

Maisie, I'm not sure why you'd think anyone is calling you a bad parent because not one of us has even intimated such a thing. You wrote what was a worrying situation, I've put the more worrying points above, and we said what we thought about it. Personally, what worries me the most is that you wrote all the above, and you say that what you've described is "normal". Please, read it again. It doesn't feel normal to me. I'm most concerned that you reacted to our posts by flatly saying he doesn't have "a problem". I know you dont want to see your son going through a serious issue like a drinking problem - but honestly? Getting so drunk that you sit in cars puking in bags, then do it again after being warned/talked to, to the point where you have stomach pains, and then you start puking so violently that you pass out on the side of the road? Does that sound like "harmless" to you? The amount one would have to drink to be that sick into the next day and to pass out the next day, let alone continue vomiting? That's a lot of alcohol intake and as you said, he seems to be drinking himself sick. All it takes is one bad bout of alcohol poisoning to kill someone. It seems really serious. I dont think a problem needs to go on for a specific amount of time to put it into a "serious" category.

That's my take on it. I'm not saying you're a bad parent either. But yes, I would take this very seriously. Based on how you've described it. Good luck with it.

 

[chizzy1982]

Maise,

I''m sorry your going through this with your son. As we both live in the UK i think we are well aware of the drinking culture that goes on over here i.e getting blind drunk at every available oppurtunity. I know it is worrying to watch as a parent - I remember getting slaughtered on vodka when i was 15 and my mother ringing the doctor concerned I would need my stomach pumped - I didn''t but had one hell of a hangover the next day and I did learn (ish) from that. I suspect he''s going a bit overboard becasue he "legally" can. I had a fake ID and was drinking in pubs from the age of 15. I remember how nervous i used to get when going to the bar and maybe being asked for ID. When I was legally allowed to drink i went a bit crazy because i could, I saw it as finally being an adult and being allowed to do what i wanted, which is maybe what your son is doing. I REALLY don''t think he has a drink problem, I think he is a normal teenager growing up in Britain. I suspect this won''t be the last time he will do it either - I know I still do it, just very occasioanlly now (can''t handle the hangovers anyomre!!). During my late teens early twenties when I was at uni the culture was ( and still is) is to go out 3 nights on the trot ( the weekends start on thursday)............ my goodness, the pain I put myself through for a social life. The drinking, vomiting, more drinking, more vomiting, the UDI''s (unexplained drinking injuries) night after night, but as i have grown up I want more from a night out ( and to actually remember them!!)

So please don''t worry - I feel that your son is doing what the vast majority of teenagers are doing these days, and that he will grow out of it, much like I have, my BF has, my friends have etc etc etc

Lizzie

 

[Elmorton]

Chizzy, I have to disagree with a lot of your post. First of all, I don''t think the UK drinking culture is much different than the US - it''s just that kids here can''t LEGALLY drink until 3 years later. That doesn''t stop anyone here from drinking to excess at young ages, and there are plenty of places here where you can get into bars at 18.

2) College drinking is not just a college thing. Lots of people don''t "grow out of it." The stats range on this, but if I remember correctly, something like 30% of college-aged binge drinkers (btw, in the US, typically only 20% of college students are binge drinkers, it''s a huge myth that this type of behavior is NORMAL - it isn''t), will still be binge drinkers by ages 25. It drops off significantly again at age 30. While that''s a relatively "low" statistic, it''s a LOT of people who are still drinking dangerous amounts on a regular basis. I wish I could show you my Facebook account - half of my friends from college are posting pics of babies and houses, while the other half still post photos of getting smashed every weekend. It''s sad, and scary.

3)Injuries and accidents stemming from drinking aren''t a laughing matter - a few weeks ago, I was listening to the radio and a student died because he stumbled into traffic - in the middle of the day. Alcohol poisoning is a serious concern, too. It''s something like the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-20 year olds in the US.

Don''t get me wrong, I''m not against alcohol, and I''m certainly no saint when it comes to how I drank when I was in college - but there is a huge difference between getting a buzz and blacking out. It''s normal to drink. It''s not normal to drink more than 5 beers in 5 hours and be puking or passing out. In my first year of grad school, I wrote media for a University Health Service at the university I also attended as an undergrad. I learned a LOT about drinking and alcohol abuse that I probably should have learned a long time before then. First, binge drinking is serious and leads to serious problems (please, ask me about serving on a panel for a rape hearing, or about hearings where drunken students had attacked cops and were not only facing legal charges, but getting kicked out of school. These were NORMAL kids who did abnormal things when they had too much to drink). Second, a lot less people do it you think. Binge drinking is NOT normal. In fact, in the US, the number of binge drinkers is decreasing.

I''m sorry to be so preachy, but I think binge drinking is a serious issue, and shouldn''t be brushed off with "Oh, that''s just the teenage culture."