wedding cash in lieu of wedding gifts

[justageek]

A friend of mine is having a wedding out of town, and her invitation specifically asks for cash in lieu of gifts. Drawing on your expectations of cash gifts (if you have them), what''s the appropriate amount to give?

Some specifics that I''m not quite sure matter but might be relevant: $120 round trip flight to wedding location, venue+food+photography+beverages ~= 10000 for 100-150 guests, friend but not super-close.

I appreciate any input you guys have! I read in a different post that the general guideline is roughly $75 per person? Thanks!

 

[luckystar112]

Must hold back judgement

Must hold back judgement

Must hold back judgement








Yeah, I''d say $75 sounds good. But how do you know how much they spent on the wedding???

 

[justageek]

Hey luckystar! Thanks for your reply. Hopefully, the judgment you're trying so hard to withhold (thanks btw) is one about me and how cheap I seem and not on her asking for cash! We can all certainly understand being cash-constrained, and no one knows their situation better than they do (least of all me trying to explain in a post )

About how I got the ~costs -- I'm a bit of an anal planner that absolutely hates to ask questions before trying to answer them myself, so I did some outside research ^_^. I read on a different website that you should always at least cover your share of the costs of the wedding that the bride and groom are hosting and to which they have graciously extended an invitation. But how are you supposed to know how much it cost them to have you there, given only an invitation? I could send them the benchmark $75, go to the wedding, and then completely feel like I'm free-riding off of their planning and hard work... So... I did a totally snoopy/shady thing by looking up their venue (which was on the invite) to see if I could estimate what their total costs, expected total number of guests, and wedding atmosphere would most likely be. The venue only offers wedding packages, so I have a pretty exact number for the stuff include in the package...

I'm figuring that, with cash, more is always better than less (up to what one can afford) and wanted to confirm that the benchmark should be 75 - the amount seen on past pricescope post - and not 10000/150. It's just that, given the amount of planning I see you guys do on this forum, 75 seems small?? The 10000 doesn't include the dress or rings or honeymoons, and I want them to be as happy as possible without making anyone else feel bad for giving less (Asian families ::sigh

or making myself look bad for giving too less than the average other attendee (totally selfish reason there). I'm finding the whole situation a bit awkward and I just don't want to give "too much" or "too little", whatever that may be. Or maybe I'm thinking about it in a completely wrong way -- enlighten me???? ... pretty please?
----------------

 

[luckystar112]

Awww. I definitely think you''re overthinking it, but at that same time I think that is so sweet!
I think $75 is a great amount, but at the same time I''m weird about numbers and I''d feel like I either have to give $50 or $100. Anyone else feel that way? lol.

 

[goldenstar]

Cash gifts are very common in my family, but no one has to request it-- we just know. $75 seems fine, especially if you''re not ultra close to the bride/groom. Although I''d give $100 if you can hack it. Its just a nice round number like luckystar said. But truly, give whatever makes you feel comfortable.

 

[bee*]

Cash gifts seem to be increasingly common over here too. We normally give €200-250 as a couple, depending on how close we are to the couple getting married.

 

[laine]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting cash gifts, or getting the word out, its putting it in writing that crosses a line. There is no judgment about you being cheap.

But thats not the question, you asked an amount. I may be the odd one out, but my BF and I usually give $50 as a couple. I'm a grad student, and he's pretty broke, so you should take that into account. I know my other grad school friends spend about the same. We're in central PA, where the cost of living isn't too high, if that matters.

For another perspective, my parents (who are definitely not poor like me) spent about $200 on my cousin, and I think spend around $75 on their friends' kids.

My point here is that average gifts vary, both by the situation and income of the giver, and the expectations of the couple. I can't imagine ever giving the $250 that bee* gives, and I'm sure her friends might be equally surprised to get my $50 gift if their standard gift is much higher.

 

[Cleopatra]

I''d love to receive cash gifts - FI and I have already purchased and furnished a home, and we really don''t need anything. Although, I''d feel a bit awkward asking for "cash gifts" on an invitation. Just my opinion.

What about a gift card? A $75 gift card to a place like Crate and Barrel, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond? It''s the same as cash, but it''s a little more "appropraite" than a check in the Congrats Card....

 

[Deelight]

I am not opposed to the cash gift even if it is written but in saying that the wording is all important. The last wedding I went to and a couple of engagement parties have preferred to have cash gifts but their invites were worded to say in essence, you coming is more then enough but if you would like to buy a gift we would appreciate if the gift of money instead, but more nicely and poetic sounding. A lot of couple live together for quite a while before getting married and to me it is like PHEW, what do you get??.

In regards to your question of an appropriate amount anything $50 and above is good for a single and for a couple I would say $100 and over.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Call me crazy but I think the judgement reservation was in regards to the B&G even MENTIONING gifts let alone money on the invitations. LS-You don''t have to judge, but I will. That''s terribly tacky. We give cash as a standard gift (because it''s easy) and base it strictly on how close we are with the people getting married. Distant cousin/friend/colleague $50 ($100 as a couple), close family or friend $100-$250 pp ($200-$500 as a couple). Travel costs unfortunately should not be taken into consideration when determining your gift (i.e., I spent 1k traveling so my presence is a gift). Just give what you can afford/want to give.

 

[april diamonds]

I definitely don''t see a problem with cash gifts...but I do find it weird to write that on an invitation. I think it should just be spread by word of mouth!

For Chinese weddings it''s extremely common to give cash gifts (we give them in the red packets so it''s essentially IS the gift). I would say it''s just whatever you can afford (as long as it''s not like $25 or something). $75 isn''t bad, but I''m with the others in that I like round numbers like $50 and $100. If it''s a close friend I give more (or buy a bigger gift). But I just recently went to two weddings one of a coworker and one as a guest of a guest and I gave about $50-$80. ($80 because I bought something off their registry)

 

[Gypsy]

I''m with Hudson on the judging.

As for amount, you should give what''s comfortable for you financially. No judgement there.

 

[brooklyngirl]

In our family cash gifts are the norm. Being that we're in NY things can get quite expensive, especially for weddings, so we give $150-$200pp (300-400 as a couple). The general rule of thumb is to cover the costs of yourself attending the wedding.

 

[justageek]

Thanks, everyone, for your advice and for your experiences! I''ll be sending the check tomorrow

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/6/2007 7:22:02 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
In our family cash gifts are the norm. Being that we''re in NY things can get quite expensive, especially for weddings, so we give $150-$200pp (300-400 as a couple). The general rule of thumb is to cover the costs of yourself attending the wedding.

There is a thread on this phenomenon. It''s a regional thing to ''cover your plate.'' (One I find offensive, but that''s another thing altogether).

 

[CaliCushion]

I don''t take travel costs into consideration when giving gifts. I give personal gifts to extremely close friends that I can easily pick something out for. Otherwise, I give cash. I know I''d prefer to cash to presents, and the people getting married can use the cash to buy something from their registry if they really want (and not pay shipping, and maybe even get 10% off for registry completion!)

 

[rockzilla]

I''d give them a toaster

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 12/6/2007 8:29:15 PM
Author: rockzilla
I''d give them a toaster

Haha! great idea!

I live in the south, and no one with any manners would mention anything regarding gifts on an invitation. So I''m with those who thinks it is tacky. Gift registries are much better, I think.

But the regional thing really comes into play here again. Where I am, about $50 would be an average gift and $100 for a close friend''s child or relative.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 12/6/2007 7:22:02 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
In our family cash gifts are the norm. Being that we''re in NY things can get quite expensive, especially for weddings, so we give $150-$200pp (300-400 as a couple). The general rule of thumb is to cover the costs of yourself attending the wedding.

If I felt that a monetary gift that covered the cost of my attending a wedding were necessary I think I''d send a note with my regrets stating "Consider us even." The thought of having a wedding with the expectation that the cost would be cover by my guests, is just to bizarre to even fathom.

As for the OP, give what you are financially comfortable giving, nothing less and nothing more.

 

[Steel]

Date: 12/6/2007 10:17:16 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 12/6/2007 7:22:02 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
In our family cash gifts are the norm. Being that we''re in NY things can get quite expensive, especially for weddings, so we give $150-$200pp (300-400 as a couple). The general rule of thumb is to cover the costs of yourself attending the wedding.

If I felt that a monetary gift that covered the cost of my attending a wedding were necessary I think I''d send a note with my regrets stating ''Consider us even.'' The thought of having a wedding with the expectation that the cost would be cover by my guests, is just to bizarre to even fathom.

As for the OP, give what you are financially comfortable giving, nothing less and nothing more.

Ditto.

May I add that I find the gift expectation for a wedding has gone completely out of control. It is entirely convenient for me that I am not invited to weddings, as my policy (highlighted above) would probably cause offence. ''Financially comfortable'' in my case has nothing to do with discretionary income and more to do with my personal inclinations.

 

[ponderer]

I always give cash, about $100, unless they specifically ask in writing for cash. Then I give a gift and make it non returnable.

Asking a guest for anything, gift or cash, is the height of rudeness. Thank goodness this has only happened twice, once was with my SIL.

 

[Steel]

Date: 12/9/2007 8:11:18 PM
Author: ponderer
I always give cash, about $100, unless they specifically ask in writing for cash. Then I give a gift and make it non returnable.

Asking a guest for anything, gift or cash, is the height of rudeness. Thank goodness this has only happened twice, once was with my SIL.

 

[hippogirl]

Date: 12/9/2007 8:22:51 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 12/9/2007 8:11:18 PM

Author: ponderer

I always give cash, about $100, unless they specifically ask in writing for cash. Then I give a gift and make it non returnable.


Asking a guest for anything, gift or cash, is the height of rudeness. Thank goodness this has only happened twice, once was with my SIL.

ya know... the holidays are coming up, and karma can be a b**ch.

even if doing something like asking for cash gifts on an invitation is something that most of us aren''t comfortable with, why the need for all the judgment? and essentially, doesn''t a bridal registry (or any other registry out there) pretty much serve the same function, i.e., dictate what gift your guests choose for you instead of letting them choose?

justageek-- it sounds like you''ve got a generous heart, and such a great attitude towards your friend''s request! i have to admit, i was surprised when i first read that your friend had requested cash gifts, but i thought your second post on this thread was so very classy!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 12/10/2007 12:10:06 AM
Author: hippogirl

Date: 12/9/2007 8:22:51 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 12/9/2007 8:11:18 PM

Author: ponderer

I always give cash, about $100, unless they specifically ask in writing for cash. Then I give a gift and make it non returnable.


Asking a guest for anything, gift or cash, is the height of rudeness. Thank goodness this has only happened twice, once was with my SIL.

ya know... the holidays are coming up, and karma can be a b**ch.

even if doing something like asking for cash gifts on an invitation is something that most of us aren''t comfortable with, why the need for all the judgment? and essentially, doesn''t a bridal registry (or any other registry out there) pretty much serve the same function, i.e., dictate what gift your guests choose for you instead of letting them choose?

justageek-- it sounds like you''ve got a generous heart, and such a great attitude towards your friend''s request! i have to admit, i was surprised when i first read that your friend had requested cash gifts, but i thought your second post on this thread was so very classy!

Hippo, if on the invite the hosts indicate "Gifts from the registry only" then your example would be true, but that is not the case. Creating a registry serves to help guests, but it is not required that a guest purchase a gift from it. And most people know better than to include gift information, any gift information, in an invitation.

I second your thoughts regarding justageek''s great attitude.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 12/10/2007 12:10:06 AM
Author: hippogirl
even if doing something like asking for cash gifts on an invitation is something that most of us aren't comfortable with, why the need for all the judgment? and essentially, doesn't a bridal registry (or any other registry out there) pretty much serve the same function, i.e., dictate what gift your guests choose for you instead of letting them choose?

Because it's RUDE to ask for cash on your invitation. Just plain tacky. A registry is a list of things you want and need, but unless you outright say 'gifts from registry only' then it is NOT the same thing as putting 'cash gifts' on your invite!

I mean, what if I invited people over for Christmas and then told them I wanted money as my gift? Just because it's a wedding and people spend a lot to put on a nice reception doesn't entitle them to specifically request 'reimbursement!' While that might not be the sentiment, it can come across that way.

I understand that this woman is having her wedding out of town and it would be easier on her to get small gifts that she doesn't have to transport. But putting 'money' requests on the invite is in poor form.

ETA: To answer the original question - in my opinion it depends on your relationship with this person. I give significantly more to good friends than I do to acquaintances.

 

[Gypsy]

The reason for the judging is because you:
A) aren''t supposed to include ANY gift referrence in an invitation.
B) aren''t supposed to expect anything other than a card congratulating you on your union.