to elope or not to elope...

[Person24]

HELP!
I am getting to the point where I really need to book a reception venue in the next few months. But, I cannot decide whether I want to have the 150 person wedding or just elope and use the money for a down payment on a house. My father doesn''t care either way. My mother wants me to have the wedding. The economy is just so bad I feel dumb for spending so much money on a single day. My fiancé does not care either way. Well, I think he would rather have the money or have a tiny small wedding of 50 or less so we could keep some of the money. I think I would either want nothing or have the big one!! Thinking about everything is stressing me out. Am I being ridiculous?

Has anyone else gone back in forth? What did you end up doing?

 

[js_diamond]

No, I struggle with this a lot myself. I think it''s normal. I am currently doing the 100 person wedding on a Friday evening before Memorial Day to get the best price possible. My parents are paying for most of it and I want to keep costs down as much as I can. I think it''s a fair compromise.

 

[iheartscience]

That''s hard and I totally know where you''re coming from! I wouldn''t want to elope, but I''m torn between spending a bunch of money on a formal reception or just doing it on the cheap.

Hmmm...I would write down your priorities for your wedding, what you want it to be like, etc., and go from there. If it''s important to you that everyone is there, maybe you can have a casual reception at your parents'' house with BBQ or something else that''s relatively inexpensive in order to keep costs down.

I guess I don''t have any real advice because it just depends on what you think is important!

 

[swingirl]

I vote for a tiny wedding with the very very important people in your life and do it very inexpensively. An elopement excludes everyone from sharing in your joy and bonding with the new family members. It should be more about the union and witnesses and less about the cost. There are so many things brides spend money on that never used to be traditional. Gifts for each other, gifts for parents, elaborate floral arrangements, etc. Beautiful weddings are gorgeous but not necessary. The important people in your life would probably just like to be included.

But everyone has their own idea. Do what you think you''ll want to remember 30 years from now.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I totally considered the same thing except my fiance wasn't thrilled with the idea of eloping. Here are some ? you should ask:

1) Will your family help pay for the wedding?
2) Will your guests be reliable in giving you money as gifts ? (sometimes wedding gifts end up paying the cost of wedding back)
3) Will you regret not having a wedding in future?

You could always have a court house wedding and a tiny reception at a local restaurant where everyone you invite pays for their own dinner but doesn't bring a gift... Or you can invite like 20 people and pay for everyone's meal as long as the resto isn't that $$$. That way you still have a wedding but under 1g!

 

[Gypsy]

Destination wedding. Check out Grand Velas in Nuevo Vallarta Mexico it was my first choice.

 

[Person24]

Thanks for all the great advice everyone. It is really nice to know I am not the only one with this problem. I am such a indecisive person I almost want someone to just tell me what to do! But, I guess that is not going to happen.


As a clarification my parents will be paying for the wedding. When I mentioned eloping to my dad he said, "I''ll write you a check now!"

 

[marchswallowbird]

So, if you elope, your dad will give you the same money to put toward downpayment of a house? Just want to make sure I understand. Otherwise, if the only thing the money can go toward is the wedding, then go for it.

Assuming your dad''s money can be spent either on a wedding or a downpayment, I would have a very small wedding, a very very simple reception and use most of the money for the downpayment. I think you will regret it if you don''t get to share the joy of your special day with those who are nearest and dearest to you. It doesn''t have to be a traditional wedding with a huge dress, expensive reception, dancing, etc. You can do a simple ceremony in a park and have a nice lunch at a restaurant afterwards. You can buy a beautiful white bridesmaid dress or short informal wedding dress and save hundreds (thousands?) of dollars.

It''s too bad your fiance is leaving it up to you to figure this out on your own.

 

[kittybean]

Maybe this consideration is unique to me, but have you thought about whether you want your parents to be paying for the down payment on your house? The way I see it, weddings are traditionally the bride''s parents'' expense, and the parents get a little something out of it--they get to have a party, invite family and friends, etc. Houses are usually the newlyweds'' expense, and I like the idea of making your home together, from scratch, just the two of you. I know that is going to be a special thing for my fiance and me, and we don''t mind waiting a little longer to be able to make the down payment ourselves. Just a thought.

That said, it seems like destination weddings are so much fun and so much less stress. My friends who have done them seem very, very happy with their choices. It is a way to keep it small and to cut down the cost (even with the built-in vacation!). I''ll be curious to know what you decide!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

How nice of your parents to offer to give you money for a downpayment for a house in lieu of a large wedding. Now you have an interesting choice to make.

We had a small destination wedding in Vegas at The Bellagio with 25 close family and friends, and a reception to follow at a family friend''s home. It was incredibly easy to plan (3 calls and a few faxes and we were done), and everything was taken care of for me.

But, you have to decide if those 150 people are people you REALLY want at your wedding, or if they could be easily crossed off of a list. I have a huge family, and did not invite my aunts and uncles to my wedding, but had everyone to an inexpensive bar-b-q reception (catered and with a DJ) in my parents'' backyard. I don''t regret a thing - love the choice we made, and would do it all over again the same way.

I just didn''t want the stress of a huge wedding, but some people live for that stress, and handle it with aplomb.

 

[akmiss]

I feel the same way sometimes. My family definitely wants a wedding but even a small one will come at a big expense. The FI just wants to elope because it is probably the wisest thing to do financially. I am thinking of having a very small wedding (around 20 guests) but making it very special and intimate. Having a classy and tasteful wedding does not have to be expensive. I was watching Platinum weddings and these couples were spending 40k on things like draperies! They may be rich but I would still have a hard time dropping that kind of $$$ without feeling a little foolish.

I think that a down payment would be better than a large wedding. At least you would have some equity to fall back on. Remember that your wedding is just on day........

 

[cara]

I vote middle plan. Small wedding with money left over. Eloping is great and all, but a wedding is a chance to celebrate with loved ones and you might regret not having one later since you seem conflicted. But you also might regret blowing a bunch of money on a big bash when a small/cheaper one would do.

Uhh, this might seem mercenary, but in my head this only works if the rents are giving you a "wedding gift" to use as you see fit. Then its your money to spend on the wedding you want and keep any leftovers. If they are proposing this gift as either wedding or downpayment, they might still want influence over where the money goes and guest list and menu choices for the wedding portion. Another way of putting it, only some parents are going to good about giving a sum of money and then walking away for you and your FI to disperse it. Some parents will still want their hands in the pot, making wedding decisions and it will not be as easy to engineer this small wedding/small house fund split.

 

[lauralu]

we are in the same mind frame. Spending alot of money is out of the question for us. FI doesn't care where we get married. He just wants to be married. His only must is no matter where we decide to do it. he wants to see me in a wedding gown, not just a fancy dress... even if we decide to go to the court house.

His parents live in this small town with this great old court house where we could just have a JP marry us and we would get some really gorgeous pics there on the front steps, throughout the building and the grounds. We would just have a few people at the court house and everyone else at the reception after. There is a great old theater we can have a small reception at. All would cost very little.

But.........I would really like to get married in the town we live in. The courthouse here though is new and huge and ugly and has the jail at one end of it. I don't want to walk into the court house next to a prisoner on our wedding day. Than there is the reception venue which would be spendy...Even for a small gathering. I just feel like I want to get married here though because I love where I live.

Than I think.......why not just elope and go away and do it somewhere just us....than I think how there are close friends and family that I want to share this day with...and want to share it with us.

I had a stressful day myself thinking about some of the same things you have been...

I guess if I were you, I would keep it small and intimate. Spend some of your money on a great photog who can capture some great pics. Have a nice little ceremony and reception to celebrate with friends and family and with the economy the way it is, use the money for a nice house. That may be a nice compromise...

 

[winston26]

I really really struggled with this same question!! I am not decisive either so I feel your pain! You have to do some real soul searching to make the decision and unfortunately only you can decide what will make you happiest. The part that stressed me out was that I wanted to make sure I didn''t regret it later....yet without knowing how either option would turn out, I didn''t know if I''d regret it.
The #1 problem was that too many people were giving me unsolicited advice that was more to their benefit, ie the families who wanted a nice vacation! Or my Mom who insisted it be in a church (not sure why since it would still be a religious ceremony even if outside!)
Deep down in your gut are you leaning toward one or the other?
When you first were engaged, what was the very first way you envisioned the wedding? Did you ever envision it as a little girl?
Sometimes I find when I can''t make up my mind that it''s really because I don''t like ANY of my options, and I''m undecided because I''m just trying to talk myself into one of them. What would make your current choices sound more appealing?
One friend made a pros and cons list for me that seemed to help, at least a little.

Look at photos of different kinds of weddings. Do any of them speak to you? For example, I couldn''t picture myself on the beach or church but could in a garden or villa.

While on our honeymoon in Hawaii, we saw a vow renewal. It was just the couple and their children. I said to DH, "well, that was what we had strongly considered....do you regret we didn''t do that?" He said "NO!! No one was there, it seemed sad." Phew! (Mind you he also says if he had known that the wedding would end up being as stressful as it was and full of family drama, that he would have eloped anyway!)