Question for the brides to be regarding bridesmaids.

[aeli]

How would you feel if a very close friend declined to be a bridesmaid in your wedding? My one previous experience as a bridesmaids was so horrific, I vowed very publicly (to my friends) that I''d never be a part of anyone else''s wedding again (family excluded). However, another friend recently announced that when she gets married, I will be one of her bridesmaids. How do you decline without offending? This friend saw first hand how much time, consideration, and expense I put into being a bridesmaid the first time, and I have a feeling that''s one of the reasons she would be asking me.

 

[JCJD]

How would you feel if a very close friend declined to be a bridesmaid in your wedding?

~*~ I personally would understand, although I would be a bit sad. I''d then offer a position as a candlelighter, or personal assistant, or guest book attendant to them because if they''re a good enough friend that I want her to be a BM, I want her to participate in my wedding at a level that is more comfortable to her. Being a BM is a big committment - time, money, and effort!


My one previous experience as a bridesmaids was so horrific, I vowed very publicly (to my friends) that I''d never be a part of anyone else''s wedding again (family excluded). However, another friend recently announced that when she gets married, I will be one of her bridesmaids. How do you decline without offending? This friend saw first hand how much time, consideration, and expense I put into being a bridesmaid the first time, and I have a feeling that''s one of the reasons she would be asking me.

~*~ Is this "friend" one of those to whom you announced your intention to not be a BM again? If so, kindly remind her (in private), and tell her that you are honored and flattered by her wishes, but you cannot afford ($$-wise, time-wise, whatever) to be the kind of BM to her that she deserves, and then offer your services in some other way that is more accessible to you. If she is truly your friend, she will understand and accept your decision. Good luck!!!

 

[MelissaSue]

Quite honestly - I''d be upset.. and maybe a little bit hurt..

If this friend really wants you in her wedding and she knows about your bad experience regarding the other wedding.. she will make compromises with you (i.e. not make you throw her shower, help you with dress expenses, lessen your responsibilties).

I honestly would do whatever it takes to have my two best friends be my bridesmaids.

 

[mightyred]

No wonder she wants you to be a bridesmaid! You sound like a wise friend who is aware of the importance of your potential role.

If you don''t want to do it, don''t. I wouldn''t want anyone in my BP to be there if they didn''t want to especially since it''s a big responsibility and your head and your heart need to be in it!

I would just be very, very nice about it (as JCJD said perhaps offer to do a reading or something to be involved) and mention you feel honored to have been asked but must decline because you won''t be the bridesmaid she wants you to be (for your reasons eg time, money etc ). She may protest (it will be sad for her) but stand firm and eventually she will move on to someone else.You will both be happier in the long run by being honest and hopefully she will accept your decline offer without hurting the friendship.The main thing is to ensure she doesn''t feel rejected and that she knows you support her and her marriage.

If you do decide to decline do so as soon as possible so she can start thinking about alternates.

Good luck! These things are never easy. Let us know how you get on .

Mighty

PS: If at any time you feel bad about your decision turn on "Bridezillas'' on tv and it will make you feel better!

 

[aeli]

I know that when the time comes, I won''t be able to say no. She was actually a part of the same "nightmare" wedding as I was, and neither of us spoke to the bride for many months after the wedding. This friend is actually a lot more demanding and high strung than the other one, so I''m more afraid of putting a strain on our friendship (or possibly losing it) than anything else.

 

[mightyred]

Yikes....ok that little tit bit of info puts a different spin on things!

When the time comes do you feel comfortable sitting down with her and voicing your concerns giving the other wedding as example? I would definately ask her what is expected of you when she asks. Forewarned is forearmed.

If you think you absolutely feel you have to go through with it then use the other wedding as an example of what not to do and get the fears out in the open. If shes truly a friend (given she can relate to your past experience) she will listen and you can work something out to keep it less stressful for you all.

Occasionally people who are normally manic can be quite calm over wedding stuff and its the normally cool, calm and collected ones who go nuts! I hope this is the case for you!

I still think you can be a valued friend and help her with the wedding without being a bridesmaid but only you know what you can live with.

 

[jlc0604]

I think the problem is that brides are so demanding these days! It used to be that as a bridesmaid, you were required to buy your dress, help with wedding related errands/tasks, and maybe help throw the shower.

Now it seems like brides are demanding specific events or locations for showers and bachlorettes. I mean, isn''t it up to the host to decide how big/elaborate a party to throw? Maybe it''s just my friends All I know is that it seems to be the norm these days to have elaborate, out-of-town showers or bacholorettes. While that''s great if everyone agrees and wants to do it, it can really be tough for the person who might not be as financially secure.

And the costs for being a bridesmaid, or even a participating friend, really adds up. When you factor in travel/air fare to the location, plus hotel, plus all dining done there, plus the actual event, plus gifts, plus splitting the cost of the brides trip - it really gets expensive. I had to skip a good friend''s shower/bachlorette trip because it was just going to be too expensive. All the girls felt the same way, but when we suggested to the bride doing it locally (and cheaper), she wasn''t happy. So I politely declined attending, because I simply could not afford to. Also, she lived out of town so we all had to travel to her wedding as well. I was already spending almost $1000 on airfare, hotel costs, dining costs, gifts, etc. Those who were bridesmaids and did the shower/bacholorette party ended up spending over $2000 to participate in this one wedding. It''s insane.

Anyway, my point is that I think it''s important for brides to realize how straining their wedding can be on others, and for them not to make demands. After all, the important thing is to have bridesmaids there and cherish your friendships - not to strain them beyond repair.

 

[allycat0303]

Aeli: Very tricky situation. I''m not a bride to be but I was involved in something like that. The bride asked her best friend to be the matron of honor. The girl said yes but she REALLY wasn''t into it (She was in a bad marriage and wanted out, so she had a terrible view of weddings). The girl basically didn''t show up for functions, made terrible comments and eventually, the bride told her that it was ok if she didn''t want to be in the wedding. Well the best friend didn''t even come to the wedding and I was promoted to the maid of honor. Second choice, but still ok

. NOT that I am saying you would make terrible comments, etc., I just think you should be semi honest (don''t say its because she''s high strung), tell her that you can''t afford the dress, and you would rather help her with the wedding in any way she wants, but not in an official capacity such as the bridesmaid.

 

[onedrop]

I recently had a situation where an old friend who thought we were closer than we were started talking about getting married. I actually hoped that she wouldn''t ask me to be a bridesmaid. I truly agonized over the situation because I think when you agree to stand up at someone''s wedding, you should be sincere about supporting the marriage. In this case, I wasn''t really in support of the marriage. And although me and the bride had known each other fopr years, for many reasons felt we weren''t really that close. And therefore didn''t feel comfortable explaining my concerns about her husband. So I was dreading being asked. In fact I dodged her phone calls until I found out what my two other friends were going to do.

Fortunately for me, I got the job of hostess so I was let off the hook. But if I''d been asked, I think I would have had to suck it up and decline, even though her feelings would have been hurt.

For you aeli: it''s a little different because you and the bride are actually close friends. So I would say that you could explain your concerns (diplomatically) to your friend. If you decline she will be hurt, but it may save your friendship in the end. It will be a very difficult conversation I assure you. The alternative is to agree and then hate it all the way until the wedding day. And I jump on the bandwagon with the other ladies, declining to be a bridesmaid but offering to do something else should soften the blow to the bride.

Good luck to you!