Okay brides...I have a question for you...

[Italiahaircolor]

A couple of days ago we received a STD for the wedding of my SIL''s daughter to her FI in July of 2010 (first of all, isn''t it like really early to send a STD?).

Now, the wedding--we suspect will either be held in NY or in Virgina. The issue is, my DH and I (just days before really) made a pact that we would only travel this upcoming year for business or for liesure. In the past few years we''ve traveled a lot for "family affairs" and it''s border line out of control, to be totally honest. We have headed North, South and East for everyone for various reasons. Not to split hairs, but we feel like there are a lot of "demands" made on our time and yet no one can be "bothered" to come here for a casual visit. We haven''t complained about this at all and have made the best effort possible to "get there" when we can. But we feel that this should be tappered back due to numerous reasons.

DH and I have talked about going to the wedding, but the fact is we''re neither close to the bride nor the groom and our going would be simply for show. The bride is actually my age, the product of my SIL''s first marriage, so no real blood relation to my DH. We''d be traveling over my busiest season at work...over a weekend I could potentially work and make money.

We laid out our travel plans for 2010 and we are, at a bare minimum, going to be headed to PA and NC for my DH''s side and that''s if nothing catastrophic happens. So, we feel like--okay, that''s still some travel for them, but we don''t want to do more.

Now...my question...would you be offended if a "by marriage" aunt and uncle were to miss your wedding? And also, what are some of the kinder "regrets" you''ve gotten...we don''t want to say "we don''t want to travel" and I don''t want to be heavy either...

TIA!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

How old was the daughter when her mother married into your husband''s family? If she was already grown and barely even knows the family, then I wouldn''t think it would be a big deal (but it might be a big deal to the SIL). But if she was a child, then I think it would be odd for an uncle not to attend. I think the most difficult part would be explaining why you couldn''t attend without coming off as not caring.

I''ll be interested to see how the brides respond.

 

[megumic]

There are only a very few people on our guest list that I will genuinely be offended and upset if they do not attend. In fact, I do not expect anyone more than two hours away to even come - it''s time consuming and costly! Plus, as the bride, every person who attends is another mouth to feed. I should only be so blessed that every guest would attend, but at the same time, I would never take it personally if you didn''t come to my wedding (you know...under those circumstances!)

I just sent a regret to a wedding in Italy. While I was devastated we couldn''t attend, the truthful honest reason was time and money. It infuriates me that those were the two things keeping us from attending, but as a law student, time and money are two things I don''t have very much of! I think honesty is the best policy here and they''ll appreciate a genuine note expressing how happy you are for the couple''s new life together.

Plus, if you go, you''ll regret every second of it. We made that mistake this summer and it ruined a whole weekend...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My SIL married my BIL a few years ago. I''m 26, and so is the bride. We don''t know her well at all, a few words exchanged hear and there...but we don''t have a "relationship" with each other.

I know that my husbands family has taken the "children" in (and they do call them "the kids")...and they do refer to them as my BIL''s children. My MIL considers herself a grandparent to them and so on. However, it''s awkward for me because we are the same age...there isn''t much that makes me an "aunt" other than the fact that my husbands brother married their mother.

I don''t know my SIL will be offended. They all attended our wedding in 2007.

 

[MagsyMay]

Well I know I wouldn''t be offended in the LEAST. I would imagine if you and your DH aren''t very close with her that she probably won''t be terribly offended either. I think most brides these days are pretty mindful of the expense of traveling to weddings and wouldn''t be offended if someone couldn''t make it to a very far OOT wedding. For all you know, you might be one of those invites that fall into "but they probably/definitely won''t come" category and she would be surprised if you DID come.

I do not think you need to necessarily justify your decline either. I think sending a simple card saying congratulations and sorry we couldn''t be there (along with a gift if you so wish) is plenty enough of a kind gesture.

And yet, that seems a tad early for STDs!

 

[neatfreak]

It''s fine-she probably won''t even care honestly! My "favorite" regrets were where they wrote us a really lovely card saying they were so sad to miss it, the hoped the best for our marriage, funny advice, etc.

So a sincere card with a just generic "we have other obligations" is FINE IMO. Of course a gift doesn''t hurt either-but only if you want.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 10/9/2009 10:50:34 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
A couple of days ago we received a STD for the wedding of my SIL''s daughter to her FI in July of 2010 (first of all, isn''t it like really early to send a STD?).

Now, the wedding--we suspect will either be held in NY or in Virgina. The issue is, my DH and I (just days before really) made a pact that we would only travel this upcoming year for business or for liesure. In the past few years we''ve traveled a lot for ''family affairs'' and it''s border line out of control, to be totally honest. We have headed North, South and East for everyone for various reasons. Not to split hairs, but we feel like there are a lot of ''demands'' made on our time and yet no one can be ''bothered'' to come here for a casual visit. We haven''t complained about this at all and have made the best effort possible to ''get there'' when we can. But we feel that this should be tappered back due to numerous reasons.

DH and I have talked about going to the wedding, but the fact is we''re neither close to the bride nor the groom and our going would be simply for show. The bride is actually my age, the product of my SIL''s first marriage, so no real blood relation to my DH. We''d be traveling over my busiest season at work...over a weekend I could potentially work and make money.

We laid out our travel plans for 2010 and we are, at a bare minimum, going to be headed to PA and NC for my DH''s side and that''s if nothing catastrophic happens. So, we feel like--okay, that''s still some travel for them, but we don''t want to do more.

Now...my question...would you be offended if a ''by marriage'' aunt and uncle were to miss your wedding? And also, what are some of the kinder ''regrets'' you''ve gotten...we don''t want to say ''we don''t want to travel'' and I don''t want to be heavy either...

TIA!

Please don''t take this the wrong way but if i had invited a ''not really'' uncle and aunt to my wedding that i wasn''t close to, it would simply be for show as well.

I don''t think any bride these days would be upset if someone couldn''t attend for travel / money reasons. Surely your family would understand if you stated that you already have x,y,z to travel to next year and you just can''t possibly do more.

I wouldn''t worry too much, i''m sure a beautiful card with a lovely thought inside will be more than enough to compensate for not being able to attend!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Date: 10/9/2009 11:24:58 PM
Author: neatfreak
It''s fine-she probably won''t even care honestly! My ''favorite'' regrets were where they wrote us a really lovely card saying they were so sad to miss it, the hoped the best for our marriage, funny advice, etc.


So a sincere card with a just generic ''we have other obligations'' is FINE IMO. Of course a gift doesn''t hurt either-but only if you want.

+1

 

[lliang_chi]

Italia, You shouldn''t worry about offending your niece or your SIL. Send a card expressing your regret and if you''re comfortable with it, a present, and wishing them all the happiness. Your niece would probably be happy you thought of her.

 

[Winslet]

It sounds to me like it would be ok if you and your husband skipped out on this one. A few blood relatives couldn't make it to my wedding and I wasn't offended in the least. But it might be a good idea to politely and graciously let your SIL know that your absence has to do with money/time/travel issues.

EDIT: or, as others have already noted, giving a minimal explanation of " we have a prior obligation" or something to that effect would probably be fine too.

 

[Pandora II]

One of my first cousins and his wife plus their three kids couldn''t make our wedding as they were going on holiday.

They just sent my parents a letter saying that they were sorry to not be able to make it and wished us well.

I wasn''t upset in the slightest. I''d love to have had them there, but honestly I can see them some other time when I will actually get more than 10 minutes to talk to them.

 

[honey22]

Honestly, I wouldn't be offended at all, and I don't think it's necessary to go. Especially if you are going to miss out on a lot of work that weekend. You could always use that as an excuse if you feel you need to provide one.

It's a big ask for you guys to travel interstate to see a couple you barely know get married. I would send them a small gift and a nice card and be done with it. Don't feel guilty at all!

ETA - I just read HOTs post, it was probably for show too, not trying to offend. That should make you feel better about now going though

 

[Morgie44]

My first inclination was that it would be no big deal to me as a bride, but would your DH''s brother (I think that is the direct relative here) be hurt or offended? Even if you are not close to the bride, surely your husband is close to his brother and if he treats this girl as his own daughter, that is who I would be concerned about. Odds are that the bride doesn''t really care, and if they are paying themselves might be secretly hoping that you won''t come.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Personally, I wouldn''t be offended... but I don''t know how your family would react.

Do you HAVE to give a reason for not coming? Also, you don''t have to send regrets until you get the actual invitation right? Give it some more time. Maybe something else will come up...

 

[KimberlyH]

I wouldn''t do anything until the actual invitations are sent, then I would make the decision. From past posts it is clear your relationship with your husband''s family, including your BIL and SIL, is strained. This could be an opportunity for you to reach out to them if that''s something you''re interesting in doing.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 10/10/2009 10:42:21 AM
Author: Amanda.Rx
Personally, I wouldn''t be offended... but I don''t know how your family would react.


Do you HAVE to give a reason for not coming? Also, you don''t have to send regrets until you get the actual invitation right? Give it some more time. Maybe something else will come up...

Amanda''s right. You don''t need to respond to a Save the Date. It''s interesting that they''ve sent a Save the Date before they even have a location! But all that aside, you don''t need to send regrets until you receive the formal invitation...and at that point, you may have another obligation...and time and money are always valid reasons to not travel for a wedding!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you everyone for weighing in!

I feel much better knowing that it would be okay if we skipped the wedding, but still sent a nice card and gift.

The reason I was concerned is because my MIL is a tough cookie. She is very "demanding" I would say of our time, plans and what not when it comes to her family. This often includes pouting, negative comments and when all else fails, she divides to conquer. But I think that if we wait until the actual invitation arrives to make formal plans, then send out regret to the bride and groom and deal directly with SIL & BIL, we might be okay...we''ll see....

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Whenever I feel guilty that I can''t attend an out-of-town wedding, I have a tendency to buy a really nice gift (from their registry) with a note to say I''m sorry that I''ll be missing all the fun! I don''t mean for it to sound like I''m buying my way out of going, but when I think of the money spent to travel for the wedding vs the money I''d spend on a "big ticket" item from their registry, I feel a little better about missing the event. Maybe I''m hoping the couple will think "aww, dang! I''m kinda sad she can''t make it, but that was totally awesome of her to buy that expensive kitchen appliance can we really wanted!" That way any negative thought is quickly replaced with a positive one.

Is this making any sense or am I coming across sounding kind of shallow? I''m just going to stop digging myself this little hole...... Either way, I don''t think it''s inappropriate to miss the wedding. I''m sure the bride and groom don''t expect everyone they invite to be able to travel for it. In my case, I''m sort of counting on that. My venue is kind of small so the more declined RSVPs, the better (and like another PSer wrote, that''s one less mouth to feed)!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I wouldn''t be offended at all I have an aunt and uncle who I grew up pretty close to and with their kids and none of them will be coming. The aunt is a midwife and I know she has a couple of births due around that time (her "busiest time of the year at work" so I completely understand. Things come up in life and I think as long as the bride isn''t a psycho she will understand that Good luck and enjoy your year of leisure

 

[mayachel]

I''d send a gift and a card expressing your best wishes for them and regrets at not being able to attend. No explanation needed. However in terms of maintaining a cordial relation, the card and gift are required IMHO.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think it''s convenient for you and hubby to say you''re not that close to her now that you would need to travel to her wedding, but you were close enough to her when it was time for YOUR wedding to invite her? She attended your wedding (and I assume gave you a gift?).

Personally I would wait until I got the invite and decide then, but I would probably try to attend since she attended yours. You don''t respond to a STD, you respond to the actual invitation.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/10/2009 2:52:08 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think it''s convenient for you and hubby to say you''re not that close to her now that you would need to travel to her wedding, but you were close enough to her when it was time for YOUR wedding to invite her? She attended your wedding (and I assume gave you a gift?).

Personally I would wait until I got the invite and decide then, but I would probably try to attend since she attended yours. You don''t respond to a STD, you respond to the actual invitation.

It''s actually funny that you mention this. My MIL included them on the list she gave us for her side...DH and I never had the "we should invite them" moment. As a matter of fact, upon receiving our invite, MIL called to ask if SIL''s daughter could bring date--someone we had actually never met before. So, while of course SIL & BIL were invited to our wedding...MIL included SIL''s kids as her side and requested we invite them...then asked if the "children" could bring dates. We, of course, said yes. But that is how their attendance came to be....

And, of course PP I know you don''t RSVP to the STD...however, with the holiday''s approaching I''m sure we''ll be "asked" if we''re going before receiving a formal invite...hence the reemptive strike

.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

It''s definitely not too early to send a "Save the Date"...especially to folks who are travelling. My guidance was that for a destination wedding, the earlier the better. I plan to send mine out almost a year in advance...but it is only becasue we are getting married in Mexico, and there is a lot of travel involved, possibly saving money, and getting passports and all. So, I think it is just courtesy, if you have to travel, to send it out as early as you can (within reason!).

I will also reiterate that I wouldn''t be offended AT ALL in this situation. Again, there are only a few people that I would actually be offended about. And, honestly, weddings are expensive...so, if you have any doubts about going, don''t go! I really only want people there who REALLY WANT to go. I don''t really feel like paying for people who feel they need to come out of obligation. I don''t want people there who are "on the fence." I don''t want people there who feel like it is a hassle to go.

Please let this be guidance for all my invitees...just putting this out into the universe...please ONLY attend if you WANT to CELEBRATE our marriage. Don''t hem and haw about it...I will not be offended if you can''t make it!!! Honestly, I won''t!!!

 

[Haven]

I''m of the mindset that I don''t have to attend anything I don''t want to attend, period. Sure, I weigh the possible ramifications of not attending big life cycle events, such as an angry in-law, but in this case I would definitely have no problem declining the invitation and sending a gift.

As far as destination weddings are concerned, I think it''s unreasonable for anyone to feel that any of their friends or family members *should* attend their wedding. Time and money are precious commodities, and it is entirely your own business how you choose to spend both.

I think you''re wise to make a plan about this now so you have an answer for your MIL when she asks about it. Good luck!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/10/2009 4:21:31 PM
Author: Haven
I''m of the mindset that I don''t have to attend anything I don''t want to attend, period. Sure, I weigh the possible ramifications of not attending big life cycle events, such as an angry in-law, but in this case I would definitely have no problem declining the invitation and sending a gift.

As far as destination weddings are concerned, I think it''s unreasonable for anyone to feel that any of their friends or family members *should* attend their wedding. Time and money are precious commodities, and it is entirely your own business how you choose to spend both.

I think you''re wise to make a plan about this now so you have an answer for your MIL when she asks about it. Good luck!

Thanks Haven for weighing in.

I think so much of our hesitation is more about time than the travel...although, traveling isn''t easy with three dogs either and is a consideration. We usually take a full two week vacation for leisure in August...which means we would be on the go just a couple of weeks apart--leaving our dogs, which we hate. And, it''s the weekend prior to the 4th of July...we usually spend the 4th celebrating elsewhere with friends--this is what we always do. Couple that with the fact that my job, during the summer, requires a lot of weekend work. Holiday weekends are big money for my business. Add all that together and it''s a pretty simple decision on the surface. But, I do try to take other people into consideration because my relationship with the inlaw''s is iffy at best and I try my best not to be a cog in the wheel.

I think I''ll have to let my husband be the heavy...which I''m sure will dampen the holidays for my MIL...pouting, disappoint. But there isn''t much else I can do.

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/9/2009 11:24:58 PM
Author: neatfreak
It''s fine-she probably won''t even care honestly! My ''favorite'' regrets were where they wrote us a really lovely card saying they were so sad to miss it, the hoped the best for our marriage, funny advice, etc.


So a sincere card with a just generic ''we have other obligations'' is FINE IMO. Of course a gift doesn''t hurt either-but only if you want.

totally agree.

 

[lucyandroger]

If it were my wedding, I probably wouldn''t care at all but I''d love to have a tiny, intimate wedding.

I just think it''s important that your husband be the final decision-maker in this as it is his family. You mentioned your age and that you don''t feel like an aunt but does your husband feel like an uncle?

If your husband''s brother considers the bride his daughter and your husband''s mother considers herself the bride''s grandmother, then I think you had better go. I would be extremely hurt if my brother did not come to my daughter''s wedding, whether she was my daughter by blood or marriage (that''s if there was no real reason for their not coming).

 

[oct2009]

Date: 10/11/2009 5:22:45 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 10/9/2009 11:24:58 PM

Author: neatfreak

...

So a sincere card with a just generic ''we have other obligations'' is FINE IMO. Of course a gift doesn''t hurt either-but only if you want.

totally agree.

Agree agree. I was actually surprised at the lengths some of my relatives went through to explain why they couldn''t make it. It never sounded sincere. The "so sorry we couldn''t make it, best wishes, etc" card is just fine, if you decide to go that route. As for holidays this year, I''d suggest saying "the STD was lovely, we''ll try our best to make it" but remain noncommittal. I don''t think anyone could fault you for that (I think 6-8 months is standard for a STD mailing, so they are kind of on the early side). I also second the above thought on leaning on what your husband wants to do.

 

[cammy85]

I don''t think you will offend anyone by not going. Also, as for what PP said, i don''t think anyone needs to reciprocate weddings. If you invited someone to go and they came, awesome. That does not mean you have to go to theirs if you don''t want to/can''t. I look at the background too, maybe they could come because they didn''t have 18 weddings and 6 trips already planned, maybe it was an excuse for them to get away - you never know. Just because they had the resources and time to attend your wedding in the past doesn''t mean that if you don''t have the resources or the time to attend theirs that you should stretch yourself for the sake of ''propriety.'' In one year, I couldn''t attend my cousin''s wedding or a close friend''s due to the fact I had to save money and travel would have been to expensive for me. They both came to my wedding, which involved travel, and had a great time. I highly doubt they were thinking "I bet she feels bad now that she didn''t come to OUR wedding!"

I just don''t think people typically think that way. In my opinion, a wedding is worth celebrating, but only if you can/want to. If you start doing weddings on a quid-pro-quo basis, it is going to become a slippery slope.

 

[musey]

edit: everything I wanted to add has already been said!