Considering eloping - need opinions!

[BriBee]

I haven't even really begun the true process of planning our wedding, but I'm already entertaining the idea of eloping. I have always wanted a beautiful wedding and to wear the white dress and dance with my dad etc....but now that it's here, I'm not sure about it. The main thing that's holding me up is the money. My parents have given us a VERY generous budget of $30k, and I know that I could have the wedding of my dreams for this amount. However, in the past (before I was engaged) my mom would say things like: "when you get engaged I'm just going to write you a check and you can take the money and have a wedding or keep it for something else." Now that I'm engaged I'm wondering if this is still something that she would do, and if it is, should we take the money and run, or throw the big wedding??? It's so hard because I know that this would be so helpful for getting into our first home, fixing it up, or any number of other things. But then I wonder if I'll regret not having a wedding. Any suggestions?

 

[kizmet]

My husband and I eloped and I don't regret it for a second! My friend was planning her more traditional wedding after ours, and the stress and worry that she had to go through made us even happier with our decision. Though we eloped we still had a nice wedding, it was at Mandalay Bay with the white dress and everything. We brought two close friends with us. Though the dress was rented.

I got to see if I have the photos on this computer maybe. Also, I know my MIL was happy not to have to deal with another wedding!

 

[Independent Gal]

My dad did the same thing - wrote us a big cheque and said 'Have a wedding if you want. Keep the change as your wedding gift'. He said that way I would think more seriously about whether various things were 'worth it'. We are compromising - we are having a wedding, but we are being very economical about it - DIY'ing, buying a pre-owned dress, inviting fewer people, keeping decor costs under control, hiring a friend as our photog, etc.

Is that an option for you too? E.g., can you have a great wedding, but not the wedding of your dreams, for, say, 15K, then pocket the rest for a house downpayment or some such?

 

[zoebartlett]

If it was put to us that same way, we probably would have had a very small wedding and used the rest of the money to help with a downpayment on a house. My parents are paying for the reception and my dress, and my FI and I and his parents are taking care of the rest. I probably could have been firmer in with my mom about what we wanted but I figured if they were paying and expecting a traditional wedding, that''s what I should go with. If you have the opportunity to do with their money as you please, I''d definitely have a small (or at least smallish) wedding and then use the rest for a house, as you mentioned. When you think about your wedding, what do you picture? Weddings are just one day, but the other things you mentioned you could use the money for could help in the marriage. Does that make sense? The wording sounds funny but hopefully you know what I mean.

 

[sputat]

I''m quite subdued in person so the idea of having a big wedding celebration makes me so anxious. At first, we planned to have the wedding in California where my family and our friends live, either in L.A. or San Francisco. Since I''ve only gone to 2-3 weddings in the past decade, I got severe sticker-shock when I started researching/planning. We will be paying for our wedding so the cost to have it there for our family & friends (and let''s face it, their expectations) stressed me out so much that it kinda dampened my high about being engaged.

I was/am all for elopement but my fiance wouldn''t agree to it since it''s important for him to have his family there. We agreed to have a small destination wedding here in Florida. I know that the guests will be cut down to almost a 3rd. We promised to have an informal reception when we honeymoon in San Francisco (we''re already in paradise so I need the excitement of the City!) for our friends there, then in L.A. and later in Sydney for my guy''s friends/relatives there. Our budget I think is more than doable for our beach wedding. We want to start a family a couple of years after we get married so we''d rather keep our savings for that.

Maybe try to see if you can plan for a $10-15K budget wedding and go from there? That''s how we''re planning for ours. I have an under-budget amount in my head that I want to hit first. We''re paying for some of our family''s airfare and accommodations so I''m very conscientious about the $$. My girlfriend already teased us that we''re a "big ring, small wedding" kind of couple.

 

[diamondringlover]

When I got engaged we thought about eloping, but we ended up having a hugh wedding (me and both my sisters got married at the same time) I do not regret the big wedding, I love being able to look at the pictures and the video on my anniversary.

 

[surfgirl]

Bri, we eloped but we didn''t scrimp on the "wedding experience" at all. We had a "mini wedding" for two! It was perfect, utterly romantic, and all about the union we were entering into, nothing about family nonsense or other issues. I had a lovely dress, wedding flowers, photographer, and wedding dinner complete with wedding cake. We splurged on a great photographer so we could capture the moments particularly because our friends and family were not there. It worked out beautifully, went off without a hitch, and we had a wedding that everyone we know wished they''d had instead of the "big shindig". That said, neatfreak had a small wedding that was also intimate and not a huge deal so that''s another option. All in all, we''ve been VERY happy with our decision to elope. You CAN have a wedding without all the hoopla...just plan it for two...

If you''re not a homeowner and you think that the wedding money your parents are offering would help get you into your first home, I think that''s a wonderful way to start off your marriage!

 

[upgrading mama]

I am not sure where you live and what wedding costs are like there...but 30k is a very generous budget. I would say have a wedding with the family, friends etc and if they are willing to let you have the rest, use it towards a house or whatever...it sounds like you have had dreams of a wedding and I am sure your family has, since they have saved you such a nice amount for you.....think about it!

 

[KimberlyH]

If we hadn't owned a home and I had a choice between a down payment on a house and a wedding I would have opted for the down payment or a small, inexpensive wedding and the majority of the $$ towards a house, without a doubt.

 

[basil]

I know your mom has mentioned it in the past, but I would make sure that this is really OK with your parents before going too much further with the idea of eloping. We briefly entertained this idea when we first got engaged, but it very quickly became clear that my parents were really excited about throwing a wedding and writing a check not so much.

It''s kinda like telling someone that you''re going to return their gift for cash...some people are okay with it and others will be offended, but either way you have to tread lightly when you bring up this subject.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/29/2007 7:11:41 PM
Author:BriBee
I haven''t even really begun the true process of planning our wedding, but I''m already entertaining the idea of eloping. I have always wanted a beautiful wedding and to wear the white dress and dance with my dad etc....but now that it''s here, I''m not sure about it. The main thing that''s holding me up is the money. My parents have given us a VERY generous budget of $30k, and I know that I could have the wedding of my dreams for this amount. However, in the past (before I was engaged) my mom would say things like: ''when you get engaged I''m just going to write you a check and you can take the money and have a wedding or keep it for something else.'' Now that I''m engaged I''m wondering if this is still something that she would do, and if it is, should we take the money and run, or throw the big wedding??? It''s so hard because I know that this would be so helpful for getting into our first home, fixing it up, or any number of other things. But then I wonder if I''ll regret not having a wedding. Any suggestions?

I think that you''ve kind of answered your own question.

You''ve always wanted and envisioned a wedding.....wearing the dress, dancing with your dad. What I didn''t see in this is anything that specifies it has to be BIG.

So, I think there''s a middle ground. Have a smaller wedding and have the best of all worlds. Keep it to 75-100 people or so; in most markets, with a little creative planning, you can pull this off for about $15K or so, and then use the other half toward your house.

My parents didn''t pay for any of my wedding (nor should they have - I was nearly 39 when I married and we were more than able to fund our own wedding). That said, I KNOW that dancing at my wedding was something my dad had always envisioned...and I know he''d have been disappointed if he hadn''t had the chance. He''d have absolutely respected my wishes and gone with whatever I wanted.....but inside, he''d have been disappointed.

What I''m trying to say: we aren''t the only ones who''ve envisioned our wedding days.. Hopefully we only do them once. With your budget, it''s absolutely possible to have a beautiful wedding without reeling out that entire budget. I pulled one off for about $7k for 30 people just over 3 years ago. My friend just married in Southern NH - about 125 people for $15K total. It certainly can be done.

 

[firebirdgold]

We eloped with our families.

We went to Hawaii and got married on a beach with just us, and our 8 (total) family members. It had all the elements of the wedding I dreamed of: White romantic dress, lots of flowers, beach, a great priest guy, nice dinner, wedding cake, music, and smiling faces. (not to mention a very happy groom) What it didn''t have was stress, hurt feelings, conflicts, arguments, bridesmaid drama, and the worry of making sure all these guests and extended family were happy. *shudder*

Of course, this worked only because dh and I have exactly one sister, one bil, and two parents each. If you have a larger family it could start getting messy. And I did have to put my foot down on grandparents. Let one grandparent in and suddenly all 20 cousins with children are in!

Anyway, you might want to consider a semi-elopement or a destination wedding with an extremely reduced guest list. like 25. (Going away helps explain the no third-cousin rule.)

Point being, you can elope and still have all the elements you really care about. When I was planning there was a thread about the top three most important features of your wedding. It helped me clarify what I really wanted (cake, flowers, beach)

Good luck!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/29/2007 7:11:41 PM
Author:BriBee
I haven''t even really begun the true process of planning our wedding, but I''m already entertaining the idea of eloping. I have always wanted a beautiful wedding and to wear the white dress and dance with my dad etc....but now that it''s here, I''m not sure about it. The main thing that''s holding me up is the money. My parents have given us a VERY generous budget of $30k, and I know that I could have the wedding of my dreams for this amount. However, in the past (before I was engaged) my mom would say things like: ''when you get engaged I''m just going to write you a check and you can take the money and have a wedding or keep it for something else.'' Now that I''m engaged I''m wondering if this is still something that she would do, and if it is, should we take the money and run, or throw the big wedding??? It''s so hard because I know that this would be so helpful for getting into our first home, fixing it up, or any number of other things. But then I wonder if I''ll regret not having a wedding. Any suggestions?

Everybody truly does know in their heart of hearts what they want. Stop looking at this situation from any point of view but your own. Do you need the big wedding? Is it important to you? If your answer is yes, you will be unhappy just eloping. If you don''t live in an expensive area of the country, you won''t need $30K to have a great wedding; then perhaps you can receive the difference in $$ from your parents?

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 12/31/2007 1:17:58 PM
Author: IndieJones
We eloped with our families.

We went to Hawaii and got married on a beach with just us, and our 8 (total) family members. It had all the elements of the wedding I dreamed of: White romantic dress, lots of flowers, beach, a great priest guy, nice dinner, wedding cake, music, and smiling faces. (not to mention a very happy groom) What it didn''t have was stress, hurt feelings, conflicts, arguments, bridesmaid drama, and the worry of making sure all these guests and extended family were happy. *shudder*

Of course, this worked only because dh and I have exactly one sister, one bil, and two parents each. If you have a larger family it could start getting messy. And I did have to put my foot down on grandparents. Let one grandparent in and suddenly all 20 cousins with children are in!

Anyway, you might want to consider a semi-elopement or a destination wedding with an extremely reduced guest list. like 25. (Going away helps explain the no third-cousin rule.)

Point being, you can elope and still have all the elements you really care about. When I was planning there was a thread about the top three most important features of your wedding. It helped me clarify what I really wanted (cake, flowers, beach)

Good luck!

This is exactly what we did. We eloped to Vegas, got married at the Bellagio, with 30 of our friends and family members in attendance and it was lovely!

 

[BriBee]

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. To answer some questions about if we live in an expensive part of the country: yes, we live in California, and the housing in our particular area are some of the highest prices in the nation

This is partly why it''s so tempting to take the money and elope. I really like the idea of a destination wedding, the only major hitch is that FI is VERY close with his grandparents (helped raise him as his parents went through a divorce) and I don''t know if they''d be able to travel. So if it''s important to him to have them there, then I think maybe we can do something really small locally. We kind of own our home, but the extra money would really help to fix it up and get a good head start in life. The house we live in is my parent''s, but we are currently paying the mortgage, kind of like a lease to own situation. The plan is that within the next year, we''ll refinance the loan, and essentially buy the home from them. Ah, all these decisions.....!

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 1/2/2008 2:19:40 PM
Author: BriBee
Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. To answer some questions about if we live in an expensive part of the country: yes, we live in California, and the housing in our particular area are some of the highest prices in the nation

This is partly why it''s so tempting to take the money and elope. I really like the idea of a destination wedding, the only major hitch is that FI is VERY close with his grandparents (helped raise him as his parents went through a divorce) and I don''t know if they''d be able to travel. So if it''s important to him to have them there, then I think maybe we can do something really small locally. We kind of own our home, but the extra money would really help to fix it up and get a good head start in life. The house we live in is my parent''s, but we are currently paying the mortgage, kind of like a lease to own situation. The plan is that within the next year, we''ll refinance the loan, and essentially buy the home from them. Ah, all these decisions.....!

Bri, what about having a small wedding at your home then? Presumably you love the place and if it was your childhood home, then why not just gussy up the place with some of the wedding money, and have the wedding ceremony and reception at home? It would certainly cut down on a lot of expenses to do it that way, and you could use the wedding as impetus to get the house repairs done now instead of later!

 

[BriBee]

Date: 1/2/2008 11:50:49 PM
Author: surfgirl

Bri, what about having a small wedding at your home then? Presumably you love the place and if it was your childhood home, then why not just gussy up the place with some of the wedding money, and have the wedding ceremony and reception at home? It would certainly cut down on a lot of expenses to do it that way, and you could use the wedding as impetus to get the house repairs done now instead of later!

You know, I hadn''t even thought of that. I guess I could use wedding money to do painting, landscaping, etc...and fix it up for the wedding. Thanks Surfgirl, that''s a really good idea!

 

[neatfreak]

I think Surf has a great idea...

We also did a "destination" wedding of sorts in San Francisco. We had 30 people, just those closest to us, and we had a BLAST. In a similar situation as you, the rest of the money was ours to do waht we wanted with.

We wouldn''t change it for anything it was perfect.