My engagement ring upsets me. Please Help

[Elle711]

To try to make a long story short; my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We started engagement ring shopping together in November. Together we picked out the most beautiful ring set and I was in love. I was very conscientious to stay as low as I could and when they gave us the final price of the ring he said "that's fine, it's not that bad". So for 8 months I day dreamed about our ring we picked out. Then I overheard that his aunt had found an heirloom ring to give to him. It was his great grandmothers who neither do us had met.

A little bit of background: we have had numerous discussions over the years how something's should be "just us" and his family shouldn't be involved. We are very close to their family and I love them like my own but they tend to overstep boundaries. My family is a notorious mess so I do appreciate his very much but I appreciate things that are our very own more.

Anyway, I tried to bring up about the ring and how I wanted the one we had selected together because that meant something to me. He didn't budge. I could tell he was set on the new ring. I have tried to love my ring. It is very pretty so it shouldn't be that hard. But I am feeling extremely hurt that his family seemed to have more of a say than i did after we had shopped together. Also, and here is where I feel super shallow and awful, the diamond is not nearly as nice or as large. I'm shocked that he wouldn't just talk to me and see how I felt about an heirloom ring before going through with this.

What is everyone's thoughts? Do I just suck it up and move on/forget about the "dream ring"?

One last thing-the day we picked out the ring, I had offered to him that we could pick out a plain band as an engagement ring together if he didn't want to spend the money. I'm not a very materialistic person and it would have meant a lot to me just the same.

 

[momhappy]

I'm sorry OP - this is a tough one. Your ring should be something that you cherish and appreciate and clearly, it's not. I don't think that you are being shallow. The two of you picked out a ring (within your budget?) and then your wishes were ignored, so now your ring is a constant reminder of that. I would be upset too. How much trouble would it create (within your relationship and/or within the family) if you decided to confront the issue? I guess you need to weigh it out and decide for yourself if it's worth the effort at this point.

 

[SparklyOEC]

Very tough situation. I think you should talk with your boyfriend about the importance of respecting the decision you made together as a couple about the ring (for now), but also the importance of respecting the decisions you two will be making together as a couple in the future. Unfortunately, if he did this with the ring, he will probably do it later with bigger things than an engagement ring and it will be better to overcome that obstacle now, than try to overcome that after you're married. I'm sure you know that marriage is all about communication and respect so please know that I'm not saying this to be mean or hateful. Hopefully - you won't take it the wrong way. Just my 2 cents.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Sounds like you are both between a rock and a hard place. You, because you feel like you've been forgotten in the ring equation despite your plans, and (perhaps) because he received undue pressure from family to change direction in regards to an ER.

Of course you are upset, I can understand that--and it isn't unreasonable that you feel undermined.

You've been together a long time--how have you solved challenging issues in the past? Come too a mutual understanding, or how do things unfold?

cheers--Sharon

 

[AprilBaby]

I would be furious. You made an agreement and he cheaped out. If you agreed on your dream, you should have it. Say " thank you honey, but no thanks" and give it back. That's just the start of many more agreements to come. ( been married 34 years)

 

[briolette]

First of all, big hugs to you.
Secondly, I understand how upset you feel. It's not really about the ring. It's about him not taking your feelings seriously and putting his family's decision about your. Even if you had found a smaller less flashy ring together, I would imagine you'd still feel a tinge of disappointment to get a family heirloom even if it was a better ring. The issue is that the whole process of looking for a ring together was part of what made THE ring so special.

I went though something similar with my ex-husband. In this case, he went off and bought a different ring and disregarded my input because it was more important for him to "impress me on his own" than listen to my advice (I have an AJP and GG). His family thought it was more "manly" to find the ring on his own. That it would demonstrate how he could provide for me, etc... Pretty gutsy as you can imagine. Not only did I feel stung that he would not include me in the process, but I greatly disliked the ring he picked out. It not a good value. I felt like he got screwed over, so on top of disregarding me, I was frustrated he did not even synthesize anything I may have taught him over the years.

I'm not bringing this up to scare you of course. But I do think it is very important to speak to your soon-to-be husband. Maybe even show him this thread. See how he reacts to it. It's easy for others to just say "if you love him, you'll accept the ring" but this is a matter of respect. Over the years, I realized my ex-husband would repeatedly put the opinions of his family above mine. My opinion rarely mattered because he was "head of the house" and I think the ring purchase was a big red flag. I happened to just suck it up, but it remained a sore spot for me. And that grew/seeped into other areas. Some communication early on, may have fixed the issue/or at least brought some underlying problems to the surface.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope it gets resolved, but DO please talk about this with earnestness about how you feel to your fiancé.You are not being selfish by doing so. He may have reasons that aren't apparent as to why he did this. He might even have still purchased *the* ring for you and you'll get it at a later date. Get clarity. Work through this. It may make you closer in the end.

 

[mogster]

I agree with the other posters who have said that it's not about the ring, but rather that he's disregarded your preference. If it is about the money though, perhaps you could sell the ring and put the money towards one you would like more.

 

[lisa1802]

He put his family's opinion over yours regarding something that you are going to wear for the rest of your life. I would be livid and very hurt. Honestly, I hope this isn't a sign of bigger problems that you will have to deal with.

(Sorry, I know this is not helpful whatsoever. I just feel bad for you)

 

[HopeDream]

I'm sorry this is happening!

(Assuming that your fiance is generally a nice guy who just doesn't get it)

Sometimes guys don't understand that jewellery can be a very important physical representation of your relationship. He probably doesn't realize that it's a constant irritant because you see it every day, all the time. It's important to communicate just how unhappy this makes you feel, and why it's so important. Tell him honestly that it feels like your engagement has been steamrollered-over by his family obligation.

Can we see a pic of your heirloom ring?

It could be helpful to have a chat with your fiance and try and separate what part of his preference for the heirloom ring is a money issue, and what part of it is a family obligation issue.

If it's a money issue, perhaps wearing the heirloom ring now with the understanding that it will be upgraded to your dream ring on a significant anniversary might help. Decide together when a good date for this would be, and start saving.

If it's a family obligation issue, perhaps there's a way to work with the heirloom as it is now:

Sometimes in the case of an heirloom ring, the couple will re-set the diamond in a new setting that reflects their tastes. Could that be an option for you? You could have the heirloom setting melted down to be used in your or his wedding band.

Alternatively, if you really don't mind the heirloom setting, but the stone is sub-par, you can have the stone re-cut (Brian Gavin, or Singlestone do re-cuts, among others), or you could even get a new stone re-set in the heirloom setting. If the stone is too small, often a jeweler can re-work the setting to incorporate a larger stone.

If the setting is just the wrong color you can have it plated to the metal color you like.

We're with you all the way!

P.S. Just because most women have only one engagement ring, doesn't mean you can't have more than one. Currently I cycle between about 3-4 different engagement/wedding ring sets depending on my mood. If he can't get you the ring you want, then buy it on your own. Sometimes happy women buy their own diamonds

 

[the_mother_thing]

Gosh, that stinks. And I echo all the other comments. It's not about "the ring"; rather, his disregard for your preferences, and putting his family's wishes above those of his future wife. That's not a good way to start any marriage. Sure, you will have times you need to compromise on family issues, but this one is pretty personal between you two; not you, his parent and second cousins thrice removed. Talk to him about how you feel. And is he isn't willing to budge, you have a couple options ... don't wear the ring, buy your own, or perhaps reevaluate if this step is the right one for you. Best of luck!

 

[Sky56]

How about having the ring you picked out and also have the heirloom ring to wear on the other hand.

Best of luck! Keep us posted.

 

[Gypsy]

It doesn't sound like the ring is the problem. It's the lack of communication and the fact that he turned something that was a shared experience into something that shut you out. And that something was the symbol of your commitment. And that was wrong of him.

I do think you guys need to talk. But I wouldn't mention that you don't like the ring or anything about the ring itself. I would focus on the larger issue of you two as partners who share experiences. And how shutting you out of major decisions, especially ones that affect you or your future marriage, is not acceptable to you. And I would be firm.

 

[distracts]

Pick out a wedding band you like, if you're fine with a plain band, and stick the heirloom ring in a box.

 

[Miss_Fluffy_Cat]

I'd be very upset too; and the other wise ladies are correct - talk about it now, and see where things stand. Easier said than done, I know...

It's not about the ring at all, so don't make it about that. Plan what you're going to say in the prism of how it may be reported to the in-laws. 'She doesn"t like Great-grandmother"s ring' sounds different to, 'She"s upset because I didn't discuss the change of ring with her'.

Warm wishes - you'll get through it.

 

[papigal]

option 1: explain to him about how you feel towards the heirloom ring and see if he can purchase the ring of your choice.
option 2: dig out that heirloom diamond and re-set it to something of your liking ... anyways, you are the one wearing it and once they give it to you, it's yours

 

[luv2sparkle]

Sometimes guys just don't get it. My DH and I almost broke up over the whole engagement ring thing too. Don't despair. It probably is not the case that he is just completely blowing off your feelings. Men just think differently than we do. Tell him that you love and appreciate the family ring and will treasure it always, but getting the ring that you picked out together is important to you. In fact, you are very sentimental about that ring, and to not get it now will always be a hurt on your heart because you picked it out together and the moment was important to you. It is a first big purchase in your to-be-married life.

If he still doesn't see it, you will have a choice to make. It will take talking between you to work it out. But, that's okay, because that is a foundation you need to build for the future.

My hubby didn't get it till 5 years in. He didn't realize how much it meant to me, what a huge symbol it was. At five years, after quite a few snarky exchanges between us, I sat him down and explained how I felt about it. He finally saw it from my point of view and felt so bad. He started dragging me to jewelry stores. He bought me a new ring that I loved and wore for 25 years. I still love that ring. He has never hesitated to buy me something that I loved ever since.

I tell you that, to say that even if this situation doesn't go completely as you planned, it is not the end of the world. If he is generally the kind of man who takes your feelings into account and puts you first very often, you can work this out. (married 34 years too!)

 

[EvangelineG]

It doesn't sound like the ring is the problem. It's the lack of communication and the fact that he turned something that was a shared experience into something that shut you out. And that something was the symbol of your commitment. And that was wrong of him.

I do think you guys need to talk. But I wouldn't mention that you don't like the ring or anything about the ring itself. I would focus on the larger issue of you two as partners who share experiences. And how shutting you out of major decisions, especially ones that affect you or your future marriage, is not acceptable to you. And I would be firm.

Exactly this. I think it is very, very important to tackle these issues of communication, boundaries with in laws, and being shut out by him. Much more important than the ring itself.

 

[junebug17]

I'd be very upset too; and the other wise ladies are correct - talk about it now, and see where things stand. Easier said than done, I know...

It's not about the ring at all, so don't make it about that. Plan what you're going to say in the prism of how it may be reported to the in-laws. 'She doesn"t like Great-grandmother"s ring' sounds different to, 'She"s upset because I didn't discuss the change of ring with her'.

Warm wishes - you'll get through it.

The bolded is probably the best piece of advice offered so far…don't make it about the ring, and make sure your fiancé gets it and presents it that way to others.

 

[ckrickett]

It doesn't sound like the ring is the problem. It's the lack of communication and the fact that he turned something that was a shared experience into something that shut you out. And that something was the symbol of your commitment. And that was wrong of him.

I do think you guys need to talk. But I wouldn't mention that you don't like the ring or anything about the ring itself. I would focus on the larger issue of you two as partners who share experiences. And how shutting you out of major decisions, especially ones that affect you or your future marriage, is not acceptable to you. And I would be firm.

Exactly this. I think it is very, very important to tackle these issues of communication, boundaries with in laws, and being shut out by him. Much more important than the ring itself.

THIS +1000000000000

 

[TC1987]

Unless this man just has no money, or he has a pile of debts, I can't see why you should settle for an heirloom ring that you don't like. After all, you did shop for rings together and you jointly picked out something, and in my book, it was a done deal. Then someone produced an heirloom ring that he probably got for free, and wham! All your plans are mashed. Personally, I'd feel crushed.

Is the man a cheapskate? Is he frugal and Spartan with his own material possessions? Does he make himself go without, or settle for less, because he keeps himself to a budget? If not, I say ditch him and run. Why? Because he is treating you as second-best by allowing you to choose your own engagement ring, then making you settle for something else that wasn't even discussed or agreed to. It's easy to blame his family, buy your man had the last word, and all he had to do was say "Thank you for the generous offer of a family heirloom, but we have already picked out a ring together, and that's what we're going to go with." Emphasis on WE, if there is a WE. I see this man's insistence that the family e-ring is what you'll wear as a bad sign that he thinks he's more important than you are. Some people are an "I", not a "We."

As I said, unless it's a case of him actually not having the money to buy the e-ring you chose together, as in has NO money and it was going to be bought on credit, the way he forced this ring upon you gives me the creeps. Even if it's a perfectly nice ring, it's like pulling a bait and switch. If he's that insensitive to your feelings now, it won't get any better after years of marriage. Ask me how I know this.

 

[lioness]

Very tough situation. I think you should talk with your boyfriend about the importance of respecting the decision you made together as a couple about the ring (for now), but also the importance of respecting the decisions you two will be making together as a couple in the future. Unfortunately, if he did this with the ring, he will probably do it later with bigger things than an engagement ring and it will be better to overcome that obstacle now, than try to overcome that after you're married. I'm sure you know that marriage is all about communication and respect so please know that I'm not saying this to be mean or hateful. Hopefully - you won't take it the wrong way. Just my 2 cents.

+1. Imagine investment decisions, buying a house, etc? This is about something much more important than a ring. It's about having an equal voice in your marriage.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You've already been given excellent advice. I would just reiterate that it should not be about disliking the heirloom ring. In fact, I agree with saying that it is very special to have that as a family heirloom, but then say you wondered why he changed his mind about the rings you selected together because you really loved them. Then ask if the rings were above his budget. It is very possible he was embarrassed to tell the jeweler in front of you that he couldn't afford them. Hopefully, though, you are fully informed about his finances since you are getting married, and that is not the case.

One thing I was not clear about was whether he did a formal proposal and gave you that ring at that time as a surprise (as far as he knew). It is just strange to me that he didn't discuss the change of plans with you because surely he realized this was not like the ring that you had chosen.

 

[Dancing Fire]

How about having the ring you picked out and also have the heirloom ring to wear on the other hand.

There you go!.. Don't let him cheap out on ya!..

 

[Elle711]

Hello,
Yes he did formally propose and he didn't think the heirloom was a surprise. He knew I knew. I had tried to talk to him before he gave it to me. I expressed I was sad because that other ring meant something to me since we picked it put together and that I didn't understand why he would just change it like that. He stated he thought it was "prettier." He offered to put the heirloom diamond on the setting we had picked but I was upset that he didn't get the point of it. It still wouldn't be "we" it would be him/his family. He's a very big family man. He gave no other option and still didn't understand where I was coming from so I just gave up and figured maybe it get over it when I got engaged. ...that has apparently been much harder than I expected.

 

[Elle711]

First of all, thank you all for you advice. I have been feeling so guilty for not loving my ring and being appreciative of a family heirloom that I've been really relying on this board for help and you've all been wonderful. I took your adobe and spoke to my fiancé but unfortunately it wasn't the best. He feels bad and I feel bad. He still doesn't get it and stated he doesn't know how to fix it. I'm not sure either. I was hoping getting everything out in the open with him would help but it hasn't fixed the issue because I feel like he still doesn't get it. I was thinking of asking to go see the other ring to see if it even still feels the same now that it's become such a sore subject to me. I briefly mentioned maybe I could have it for our first anniversary and he joked maybe the 20th. He has the money but feels it is better spent towards buying us a house. While this is logical, I am still just hurt that he made that decision without talking with me about it. I'm not sure what the next step is now. I'm still hurt and it's not fading.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I am so sorry, Elle. It really does sound like he just doesn't get it. It makes so much sense to his brain, but just not to your heart. I so understand. I hope you will be able to bring it to him in a way he understands. Maybe a metaphor? Does he like cars or anything like that?
Maybe you could put it to him in that context and he would see it a little differently.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

"A big family man"--doesn't family include you? You + your fiancée = new family?

Sharon

 

[Elle711]

Hi Sharon, yes the new family does include me. That is what he thinks is so special about the heirloom. However, I do understand what your getting at. In his mind there is no him+ me = family without he extra + his while family

 

[canuk-gal]

Hi Sharon, yes the new family does include me. That is what he thinks is so special about the heirloom. However, I do understand what your getting at. In his mind there is no him+ me = family without he extra + his while family

HI:

Elle, you have a lot on your plate--other people making decisions above you involving your future. The ring is a small piece of the pie but perhaps a dividing point.

What do you want?

kind regards--Sharon

 

[Hospatogi]

I'm sorry you feel hurt by his decision to give you the heirloom ring instead of the one you chose together. At least you knew about it before he proposed so while disappointing was not a complete surprise. Part of the reason you love your husband I'm sure is because he is a " big family " man. I think the real source of hurt is because you feel that he chose to make his family happy over making you happy. There are going to be many more times in the future including your wedding and buying a home where his family are going to have "many" opinions on how it should be done.
This is a perfect time to talk to him about wanting to feel that your opinions and feelings matter most when it comes to decisions that directly impact your lives. Knowing going forward that you are the most important person in his life will make you much happier than any ring ever can.