Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice...

[ringfailure]

Hello everyone. I proposed to my girlfriend last night. Over the past month I have been researching diamonds online and ended up deciding on a round .98 carat, ideal cut, I color, VS1 with classic platnium halo setting from Blue Nile.

So last night I proposed at this very special place for us and she started crying and was all excited. Well, after she settled down, wiped the tears from her eyes, she gave the ring a good look and had a confused look on her face. I swear I saw disappointment in her eyes.

I asked her if she liked the ring and she said, "yeah, its good". But I didnt feel any enthusiasm in her voice. She did call her family to tell them and stuff, but later that night I saw her put the ring back in the box and today she almost left it at home when she went to work - but I was like "oh hey, you forget to put your ring back on" before she walked out the door. I have also noticed that she hasn't posted it on facebook or any other social media site. Is that normal?

I am really devastated and don't know what I did wrong. She has really been pushing me to propose and I told her not to worry that it would happen when the time was right. So, I don't think its that she doesn't want to marry me. She even wants to buy a house with me asap. I just really think she is disappointed with the ring.

I don't really get it. It's a nice tasteful ring. The only thing I can think of is that maybe she doesn't think I spent enough on her because the cost the ring is a fair amount lower than 2 month salary for me?

I think that is crazy and sort of pisses me off, because I think I got a nice ring and really didn't want to go overboard with the bling. I want to buy a nice home and start a family too, you know?

What do you guys think I should do? I guess I have to sit down and talk to her about why she almost didn't wear the ring today. It is still in the return period, but I think it is a great ring and if she just wants me to spend more money on a bigger rock, maybe this isn't going to work out!

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Ah. That's hard.

I would have a sit down and discuss it with her.

If you're certain she is disappointed, I'd start off the conversation with "why are you disappointed" rather than asking if she is.

It could be that she actually wanted a marquise, or a halo, or a yellow diamond. That's an easy fix. Return the ring and spend the same amount on what she does want

If she wants just a BIGGER diamond, discuss with her your budget, and that you aren't comfortable going higher. Then she can decide of she wants to sacrafice cut, color, clarity to get bigger.

I wouldnt spend more. I totally get you wanting to feel financially comfortable, and sometimes a woman (all of us really) have to allign our dreams and financial reality.

 

[baby monster]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

You do have to talk to her. It might be something else besides how much you spent on the ring. But I'd agree the fact that she's not sharing it with her F&F is unusual. Most women want to show off their new sparkly.

If she's not happy with the size, then it's an opportunity to discuss future financial goals to make sure that your ideas about spending and saving money are on the same page. Finances are a big cause of disagreements in relationships. Some women contribute to the ring fund to get to the size they want, so that's an option as well.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Well that's certainly a disappointing reaction, you need to have the convo ASAP. If you can't be honest with each other, then that is a major problem. She may have just been expecting something different and didn't want a plain solitaire. Either way you should be able to work it out between the two of you. This is why I dislike surprise rings, lol.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Sorry about this! You definitely need to talk with her - she's showing all the signs of not liking the ring. It's too expensive a purchase to sit in her jewelry box. Once you find out why she doesn't like it you can go from there.

ETA: It could be just about anything - maybe she doesn't like halos, or the shape of the stone - did you have any input at all as to her preferences? I'm thinking you went for the surprise factor. Again, sorry this happened, I know you put thought and effort into getting her a ring you thought she'd like, and it sounds like a lovely ring. But whatever the reason, this can be fixed, just talk to her about it. She's probably too afraid to bring it up with you.

 

[mdmc]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I also agree you need to have a talk. Some women like to be surprised and want their SO to pick out everything. The stone and the setting. Others like to be very involved, picking everything with their SO. Some have a fantasy about what the perfect ring for them will be others don't care. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her. I would tell her you can sence she is disappointed in something and she needs to be frank about what it is. If she wants a bigger diamond I think this is a good time to talk about finances. I would not spend more than you feel comfortable with but if she wants to change the setting you are still within the return period.

 

[chrono]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Without a question! It is highly advisable to take the time to talk to her to find out the root reason why she seems unenthusiastic. Consider this the first minor hurdle in preparation for bigger things to come in married life. Maybe it's the diamond shape, maybe it's the halo setting, maybe it's the size or maybe it's something completely unrelated. Who knows until you discuss this with her.

 

[ringfailure]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Thank you everyone! I was going to wait to talk to her tonight, but she wants to meet up for coffee soon, so I am going to bring it up then!

I really liked the idea of a surprise ring because it seemed a little romantic to me (and I am not usually very romantic) and I think I have good taste! But, maybe she really wanted emerald cut or no halo or something. Wish me luck!

 

[noscrusir]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Geez sorry to hear. I agree with others here, talk to her and find out what she thinks. Most women seem to have an idea of the type of ring they want. You can explain to her that you're still within your return period and that you feel it's important to find what she likes. Explain that it won't hurt your feelings and now that the surprise is out of the way, you can work together to find something she loves. Goodluck!

 

[Cricketcat]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

It might be that she prefers a different setting than a halo (i.e. solitaire). The diamond you chose sounds lovely and a nice size. Please let us know.

 

[dawnxcui]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

imo as long as it's the ring that's making her unhappy and not something else about your relationship, it's probably not a big deal
after all you can fix rings pretty easy especially when they're within the return period

and remember it's about what she wants and not what you want.

 

[liaerfbv]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I have also noticed that she hasn't posted it on facebook or any other social media site. Is that normal?

Some people think it's tacky to post pics on fb, etc. I mean also it's been less than 24 hours!

One other issue that might not have anything to do with the actual ring is she might be very excited to get married but also overwhelmed by this huge life change that the ring symbolizes. Not that she doesn't want to get married, or get married to you, but it's one thing to talk about getting engaged -- and then have the reality of this shiny thing staring you in the face that represents all the things in your life that are now going to change. Speaking from experience, it can be a little scary even when you're thrilled. Just another perspective.

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

What would you say is the approx size of diamonds in her social circle?

 

[luvsdmb]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Can you show us the ring?

Sounds like she just doesn't like the ring, if possible maybe you two could get it worked out and get a ring she likes while you still can return/exchange it. What size of ring does she wear?
Did she tell you what style she wanted? To be fair if you never asked and you surprised her with what you bought while the thought was nice, you should have at the very least just had set in a plain solitaire setting. That way if she wanted a certain setting that could have been bought later down the road.
It does stink though for you, I'm sure your feelings are hurt, and she probably doesn't know how to bring it up. Then again leaving it in the box says a lot.

 

[adele_h]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I'd like to second the social media argument - I have friends that have taken weeks to even update their relationship status, until they've told absolutely everyone they want to know in person (ie they don't want aunt Jane finding out from Facebook). Only one has posted a ring shot. So don't let the lack of social media add to your worries.

Had you guys spoken about the ring? What she might like, rough budget, what her priorities are when it comes to diamonds?? If she told you she wanted a suprise, and hadn't left ANY hints / guidance for you - then I can totally understand your frustration. If she guided you and you followed it, and she seemed disappointed - that would suck too. I can completely understand if you've put a lot of thought in and not got the reaction you wanted - that's an awful feeling. But remember she was in tears with YOU - she clearly wants to marry you! - the ring can be changed.

You mentioned that if she wants you to spend more money, the relationship mightn't work out - that confuses me a little. Why automatically jump to an awful conclusion? Give the woman you've asked to marry you some credit! We're not all "materialistic" - as someone else mentioned, IF size / cost is the issue, she might very well offer to contribute.

Looking forward to your updates!

 

[TC1987]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

The average e-ring for first marriages is probably in the 75ct - .8ct range nowadays. The stone you bought should pass for 1ct easily. I don't see what her beef if it's size, unless she expected a 2ct. The halo would make it look larger. I'm curious about why she was disappointed. A RB is classic and gives you arguably the best combo of spread / fire / brilliance. Maybe she just has no idea how much fine diamonds really cost nowadays, so she had unrealistic expectations? eta: Those custom hand forged settings are what, $4000 - $6000 now, too.

I'm with you, that you purchased a decent e-ring, and things like house and financial security are necessities.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

How disappointing for you too. Good luck with your discussions - I hope it turns out to be an easy fix and that everything turns out well for you and your fiance!

 

[junebug17]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I can't lie, I'm pretty curious as to what the issue is! It sounds like a beautiful ring and a nice diamond of good quality and size - I'm guessing it's the halo.

 

[marymm]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Also could be she prefers a colorless (D/E/F) diamond as opposed to a near-colorless diamond at the far end (I color).

If is the ring she is disappointed in, it is great you are in the return period and that you are open to resolving the issue.

Good luck!

 

[ringfailure]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Wow. Life changes quickly.

Soon after we sat down with our coffee I asked her why she seems disappointed with the ring. She then proceeded to tell me that she thinks the ring is absolutely beautiful and nicer than anything she ever dreamed of but that she had something she needed to tell me. She goes on to tell me how after a concert last Friday night she was out having a drink with some friends and ended up talking to a guy at the bar. She admitted that she was doing a little bit of friendly flirting and the next thing she knows the guy plants a kiss on her. She claims that she didn't kiss him back and that she pushed him away and quickly left with her friends. She said that she has been replaying the kiss in her mind over and over to figure out if she did something wrong and she wanted to admit to me that she let the kiss linger for a second too long and that it has been eating her up in side. She also stated that she had never done anything else like this before.

She then told me how happy she was the moment I proposed but then when she saw the beautiful ring that it ate her up with guilt and she felt she didn't deserve it. She told me that she can't stand to feel it against her skin or catch its sparkle in the light because it reminds her of how she was unfaithful, put herself in a bad position and disrespected me. She said that she was sorry and wanted to find out if we could move forward.

I sat in silence. I was shocked and felt nauseous. Next thing I know is that I felt anger and stood up. I told her that I would need to process all of this, but that I agreed with her that she doesn't deserve the ring and more importantly, my love. She slipped the ring off of her finger and placed it in my open hand. I just stood there looking at it for second (which seemed like eternity) and then I closed my fist and felt myself squeezing the ring so hard that I thought I could actually crack the diamond. Next thing I knew is that I ran out of the coffee shop. I hit the street and started walking very quickly. She came out and yelled for me to come back but I didn't turn back and started running. I ran for about 8 blocks and then just walked around for about an hour before returning to my office. I pulled out my phone and saw that she had called and texted me about 50 times. I also realized that I had left my coat at the coffee shop and had been walking around in 20 degree weather and yet not feeling a damn thing. I next called my mother and balled my eyes out.

I do realize that what she did wasn't the worst thing in the world, but I don't think I can stay in this relationship. I feel that I can't trust her. I will think about it some more, but I think I am done. I have a lot of healing to do, but I do feel a little better after writing out this message. One day I hope fall in love again and I will be back to this site telling the story about how my new fiancee loves her ring. This particular ring will be sent back. Thanks for listening.

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Wow.
Hugs to you.

What a gut wrenching experience!

Tell her you need some time to think everything over.

 

[telephone89]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Wow that does change fast. I think you should take some time to cool off, and not make any decisions while so wound up. Good luck with everything.

 

[Oecut253]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I am truly sorry you had to go through this but I think I am more sad that, once your initial anger had eased, that you were so quick to write the entire relationship off without talking to her at all. IMO, and I don't mean to come off too harshly, you may have done her a favor. Black and white thinking such as yours is hard to live with. Believe me, I know!

 

[Kensington]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I am truly sorry you had to go through this but I think I am more sad that, once your initial anger had eased, that you were so quick to write the entire relationship off without talking to her at all. IMO, and I don't mean to come off too harshly, you may have done her a favor. Black and white thinking such as yours is hard to live with. Believe me, I know!

I agree. Very sorry about all of this, but please give yourself time to process and calm down a bit and then reevaluate.

 

[derbygal]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

So sorry to hear this. Maybe some time apart will put things into perspective for both of you. Many hugs.

 

[quietlysw]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

She told you what happened, that she hadn't initiated anything and that she regretted the whole thing happening. She felt guilty and remorseful about someone else's actions.

My heart goes out to her. The reason people are so often scared to tell the truth, is because of reactions like yours.

Learning to trust and forgive are lessons usually much harder learnt, through circumstances far more serious than the one you find yourself in.

I'm glad that you have learned the limitations of your capacity in that respect.

I hope she's going ok.

 

[hollyandivy]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Echoing what previous posters have said. She has been honest with you and admitted her feelings of guilt and regret. She has indicated she would like to work through it. To me, that sounds like something that can be overcome.

While you might be very upset and shocked, I don't think it is worth walking away from - at least not without talking it through together once you have cooled off. Good luck.

 

[quietlysw]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Will also comment: A man kisses your girlfriend without consent, and yet she's the one at fault. Maybe your resentment is placed on the wrong party. This man has caused her stress and emotional anguish... and rather than back her up and support her, you're more willing to abandon her. And this is your future wife we're talking about. Women will come face-to-face with disrespectful actions many times in their lives. If someone catcalled on the street, would you berate her for dressing sexy? Or would you have told that jerk to f-off? A kiss is one thing. It was uninitiated on her part. Imagine if she'd been assaulted.

Being friendly or flirty is not an invitation to kiss, or more. Men seem to be able to get away with "flirty" conversations more or less scotch free. And yet, when a women does, she's unfaithful, nauseating and undeserving of your trust.

The slow march of feminism continues.

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

She told you what happened, that she hadn't initiated anything and that she regretted the whole thing happening. She felt guilty and remorseful about someone else's actions.

My heart goes out to her. The reason people are so often scared to tell the truth, is because of reactions like yours.

Learning to trust and forgive are lessons usually much harder learnt, through circumstances far more serious than the one you find yourself in.

I'm glad that you have learned the limitations of your capacity in that respect.

I hope she's going ok.

I agree trust and forgiveness are important lessons to learn.
But what you just wrote, "she hadn't initiated anything and that she regretted the whole thing happening. She felt guilty and remorseful about someone else's actions." is a mischaracterization of what happened.

She admitted to "friendly flirting" and allowing the kiss to last a second too long.
That's far from going all the way but it is certainly something ... to her ... and to him.
What she did crossed a line in her mind, and in his.
Yes, we all have different lines, but I feel very strongly that it is arrogant and wrong to expect everyone else to share YOUR lines, no matter how much they seem right and reasonable to you.

I'm not saying what she did is unforgivable, or saying he should end the relationship (that is between him and her only), but please do not distort or omit facts presented.
She feels guilty for the part she played, not for what the stranger did.

 

[distracts]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

So... she was out being social (yep, friendly flirting is a part of being social for many people), some dude kissed her, she pushed him away (yep, being kissed feels nice, sometimes it takes a moment for your brain to kick in), felt horribly guilty about it anyway, told you all about it, and you are breaking up with her?

?????????????

Honestly I think you probably weren't ready for marriage then. So, I guess, good to know that now.