"Your Proposal Wasn''t Good Enough"

[USAguy]

...."Do this and this to improve it and then re-surprise me"....that was basically what my girlfriend told me after I had proposed. I was then told how to improve on it and then expected to surprise her again with all the corrections.

Honestly though - I feel like I''ve lost all motivation towards redoing it. I feel really crushed too that my girlfriend would rather throw away the irreplacable feelings of the first proposal in favor of receiving her perfect proposal on a second. I don''t think I''ll even feel happy redoing it. To me, the first proposal is where the magic is and will forever be. A second one just feels so.....forced.....so wrong. Even worse is the fact that one of her requests is to have the second proposal on film...recorded by a family member. I feel really hollow knowing that I''ll never be able to watch that tape happily. The only thing that tape will do is bring back memories of how gutted I felt when I was told "it wasn''t good enough". I''m suffering in silence about this, since we didn''t annouce our engagement due to the redo request. The only people that know is her and I. This is something I''ll take to the grave with me for I feel I''d die of embarrasement if I ever had to tell someone that I was asked for a redo.

However, I agreed to redo it without actually telling her how I felt. When she asked for the redo. I just said "OK", later on she asked me "Is it wrong to ask for a redo?". My emotions were in such a mix that I simply asid "No", while thinking to myself "Shouldn''t you know the answer to that question without having to ask me?". Does she even love me if she might see me as nothing more than a delivery vessel for a perfect proposal? I knew she liked gifts and romantic gestures (what girl doesn''t), but isn''t this a little extreme.? On the other hand, I havn''t done anything romantic for her while we''ve been dating so maybe she simply feels entitled to this to make up for all of that??? I don''t even know if she ever considered how I might feel about this, since there was almost no reluctance in asking me for a redo.... The proposal is definately something I don''t want us to fight over, yet I''m going to go crazy if I don''t let this out.

I''m so confused about all the possible meanings behind this, but I don''t know if I''m overanalyzing this whole situation. Am I just being selfish for not simply casting my emotions aside and giving her the proposal she wants?? As much as I want to bury it, it''s one of those things that won''t be buried and die - only bury and grow. I want to talk to her about this...yet, as I said before, fighting over a marraige proposal just feels so completely wrong. Meanwhile, while I''ve been trying to figure all this out she''s expecting the second proposal anytime now.......

 

[Sassee]

Hi USAguy!

My how I am feeling for you. You poor thing. She has really crushed you with her outright insensitivity, hasn''t she?

I suppose that I should give her the benefit of the doubt, in that you haven''t really explained how the "initial" proposal turned out... what did you do? (or rather NOT do - aside from not arranging to have a family member record the experience on film...??!!)

Maybe with a bit more insight in to your actions on the day, we are better placed to comment on whether she is being a completely selfish and insensitive person here, or, whether she a right to be a little peeved.

Having said that, I can''t imagine EVER rejecting a proposal from the man I love. The fact that you had the courage to ask her to be your wife and probably say a few other personal things to her in the "love" arena, is enough for me. I''d be blown away by that alone. It almost makes me want to cry, thinking of a man mustering all of his strength to ask for his girlfriend''s hand in marriage and being rebuffed in such a callous way.

You don''t always need the *bells and whistles* to make it a successful proposal. In fact, for some of us, the idea of being filmed would be a complete turn off!

Seriously, if you were my boyfriend (and I am currently counting down the days/hours until he finally "goes through with it'') I would have been so happy and ecstatic that the words were FINALLY coming out of your mouth, that I couldn''t care less about where we were, what we were doing or what I was wearing...


I can totally understand how you are now in an awkward situation about whether to bend to her demand for a "replay" and whether you should say something.

In my honest opinion, I think that you do need to speak to her. If you can''t broach this topic, then it doesn''t bode well for the future. This is the woman that you are wanting to commit to for the rest of your life. If you don''t feel comfortable raising the topic, then I sense warning bells. Your feelings have been hurt and you have a right to be heard. I know that her reaction may not be a pleasant one, but wouldn''t you rather have an inkling as to her true colours now (by the sounds of your extremely diplomatic email I sense that you do) then find out later, when maybe things are a little more permenant?

I''m not really suggesting anything as drastic as calling it off, as it sounds to me like you are deeply in love. But your feelings need to be validated and respected, and it doesn''t appear to me that she has considered that in any of her ranting.

I feel really sad for you and hope that you talk to her and let her know how disappointed you were in her reaction.

Good luck and please come back to tell us how you went...

Thinking of you

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well, I made a few mistakes in my proposal that I wish I could fix. for instance, I had someone taping and I tried to communicate to him to stay a distance away, but after she put the ring on he zoomed in and put the camera practically under her nose. And that is the second problem...she put the ring on...I sort of got nervous at first, opened the box, floundered with words for a minute, copied a line from her dads proposal because I felt I need to make some kind of joke( which was the biggest mistake I could imagine when looking back at it)then I said what I felt in my own words and then I totally forgot to put the ring on her finger after she said yes, I just sat there staring at her. Overall the night was romantic and wonderful, but...well, we can all make mistakes. If you made a few mistakes like me, even if some of them were pretty bad like I did, then I really dont think she has any justification for acting this way, and I personally think it has some really major and negative implications. I mean...later on talking about a reenactment at a 3 or 5 year anniversary mark, thats ok...but...

I guess, I really want to know how long did she wait to talk about it. Was it like, immediatly after you proposed, she closed the ring box and said NO, not until you do it my way, or was it later on when you were holding her at night and she started to express how she had imagined it a different way, and was hoping you could possibly do it again in her dream way? those would be two very different ways for her to handle it, and if the former I would be really pissed, but the latter, well, I might be able to understand and work with her on it. So we could really use info like that.

And most imporatantly is exactly what you did. If you proposed like my dad did--on the phone while he was in the bathtub--well then, you need to straighten yourself out. but if you put some real effort and planning into it and a sane person would think it was at least decent then I believe she needs to show a tremendous appreciation for it or I would have some real reservations marrying a woman who couldnt appreciate the way in which I chose to ask her to be my wife.

but if she does show appreciation and is asking you to work with her to do something else that she can remember fondly in the future....well, I suppose a guy cant do much about that you know, just got to work with it in that case? though of course it would be a little difficult, if she were handling it well and being sweet herself and just trying to satisfy her own dreams while appreciating your proposal...then I would just suck it up and do it for her, to a certain degree.

you want to share anymore details so we can formulate some real ideas of whats going on?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Not good enough?

I think she''s extremely selfish to want you to "redo" such a magical moment.....and the gall to even ask for it. Ugh. I''m disgusted by her behavior and I don''t even know her! I think that you need to have a serious sit down and talk to her about this - and about the future. What if you''re not good enough. Or your job. Or your family. I''m sorry for her reaction and hope you start feeling better.

Jess

 

[neatfreak]

Can I ask how you DID propose? For example, did you actually ask her to marry you? Or did you just hand her the ring? Assuming that you actually DID ask her, and it was heartfelt, I do kind of think it's insensitive of her to ask for a "redo". MY proposal wasn't the "ideal" proposal, my guy was totally nervous, it was in a random place, and he didn't say everything he wanted to, but in my eyes it was still PERFECT because he asked me to be his wife and he was so adorable. I would have NEVER asked for a redo even if it wasn't ideal.

Honestly, it's kind of a red flag for me unless for example, you never really proposed and just handed her the ring and said "here". THEN I could see wanting a "real" proposal. But if you proposed for REAL and she said she wanted it redone, I think it's a little weird. If I were you, I might be rethinking whether you can ever please this girl in marriage...

NOW, if you still want to marry her, and this hasn't put you off, have some fun with it. Tell her she can't wear her ring until the re-proposal and make her sweat it out. Start doing all kind of grand romantic gestures, but don't ask her yet. It will drive her crazy. AND make sure to wait until you are feeling it again before you ask her, or else it will always be tainted for you.

 

[mimzy]

i agree that you definatly need to talk to her about how you are feeling. just thinking about how bitter or resentful not raising the issue might make you makes me cringe. you aren''t a doormat who''s only purpose is to cater to her every whim - and more importantly she shouldn''t treat you like you are. i can sort of understand that she might be a little bit disappointed if she had all her life dreamed of being proposed to in this huge,very public, grand way and then it was the complete opposite...but the fact that she was more concerned with the way you did it than rather you did it or not is really selfish and makes her sound pretty self-centered/absorbed. i''ve never been proposed to myself, and like most girls i dream of a romantic, planned proposal, but i am fairly confident that once my boyfriend opens the box and asks me to be his wife nothing else is going to matter, and i think that most girls would agree with me. it is totally not my intention to insult your choice in significant others (obviously she must have a lot of good qualities for you to want to ask her at all), but something seems off here.

i guess i have a few questions like those above me.
- was she expecting the proposal? as in, was she involved in picking out the ring, etc?
- are you surprised that she would request something like this, or is something that seems characteristic of her?
- had she described (in detail) to you how she wanted to be proposed to?
- did she make the request in a somewhat harsh manner, or was she *sweet* about it?

either way, i am so sorry that she ruined what i''m sure was your heartfelt proposal. maybe if you try to talk to her about why the first one wasn''t good enough you''ll understand where her expectations came from and it might make you more inclined to want to give her her dream proposal? or even better, if you talk and explain to her how you are feeling about it then she might realize that she was wrong and apologize and take back her request....i don''t know....

let us know how it goes.

 

[Ellen]

Wow, I''m so sorry. I can only imagine how hurt you were/are. I know how nervous guys get, wanting it to be perfect, hoping she''ll say yes. What she said, is just, I really don''t know what to use. But suffice it to say, it was wrong. There is NO excuse for this, imo.

My personal feeling is, what kind of person asks this? Most girls are THRILLED just to hear those words, regardless of how they are presented. My hubby is NOT the romantic type, and by some peoples standards (ok, most lol), my proposal was far from "romantic", but it didn''t, nor would it ever, occur to me to ask for "do overs".

I wouldn''t do it. You are right, there will be no magic in this second attempt.

And honestly, I''ve rarely thought this on here, and I''m not sure if I''ve ever said it, but I''d think long and hard about this person, and if that is who you want to spend the rest of your life with....

I really am so sorry for you. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Pandora II]

Do you really want to marry this girl?

Are you going to re-do the wedding if it''s not ''perfect''.

I feel very sorry for you.

She obviously cares very little for you, your feelings and the sentiments behind the proposal.

My FI proposed to me in our sittingroom, I had spent all day wrapping christmas gifts and was still in my pyjamas with no makeup on and hadn''t even brushed my hair. Hardly ''picture perfect'', but it was perfect for me and I wouldn''t change a moment of it.

Find yourself a girl who truly appreciates you. This young lady has a LOT of growing up to do before marriage.

 

[luckystar112]

My heart dropped when I read the title of this thread.....I thought you were my fiance!!!

My boyfriend isn''t an over the top, romantic, wear his heart on his sleeve type of guy--but he''s funny and cuddly and sweet. We''ve been together four years and he has given me flowers only once. (He has given me lots of jewelry though.) I''ll admit, deep down I was hoping that when he proposed that he would spill his guts about what a wonderful person I am and how he couldn''t live another day if I said no...yada yada yada.

He proposed at 4AM in our dining room before we left to go to the airport. He said, "I wanted to give you this." and put the ring on the table. He didn''t get down on one knee, he didn''t give a speech, heck--he forgot to even ask "will you marry me?"!!
(Later on I joked that he should do a re-do and, also jokingly, tried to give him back the ring, which is why I thought he wrote this thread!)

Was I bummed? Yes. For about a minute. Let''s face it--proposals are rarely what we see in the movies. The guys are usually nervous, don''t say anything at all, or ramble to much...they are shaky, they may lose their words, etc! And seriousy, how vain is it for a girl to hope that her bf sees all these wonderful qualities in her and lays them out on paper for her before she says yes?
I think the ring and the fact that there is even a proposal speaks for itself--and if you aren''t already sure how much your BF loves you, then that''s the bigger problem.

Anyway, I quickly came to love the proposal (we laugh about it all the time). I love the fact that he had this huge grin on his face when giving me the ring, I love that he was able to catch me off guard (I was expecting it during our trip, not right before.) I even love that he forgot to ask me to marry him. It''s just so.....HIM. And I love him! And when people ask us how he proposed we are able to laugh about it, and even poke some light-hearted fun at him.

So I guess my point is that your GF should stop watching tv. Maybe, since you''ve admitted that you aren''t a very romantic guy, she was hoping that this would be your one time to really confirm the way she assumes you feel about her. I don''t know how serious she is about a re-doing the proposal, but if she is being downright rude about it or insisting upon it, then I don''t think that''s right. There could be no ring..with no proposal! And no guy!

 

[musey]

Wait... is this for real?? This actually happened? You're not exaggerating or making this up?

Unless there was something god-awful about your proposal ("Sh** or get off the pot" comes to mind) then I honestly can't even fathom this sequence of events. She asked you to RE-DO the moment when you ASKED HER TO BE YOUR WIFE????

I don't get it.


ETA: I should mention that I don't understand this "perfect proposal" thing in general. If my FI had hired a string quartet and flown me to the top of a mountain at sunset with 3 dozen roses and serenaded me and then gave a long speech about intertwining our lives... I would have said "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BOYFRIEND?!!?!?!?!!" I might have thrown up a little first.

I was proposed to before 8am, still half asleep, with NO makeup on and in a weird mood from a nasty dream I had had. It was still the most perfect moment of my life thus far, and it never even entered my mind to wish for something else in my proposal.

She needs to remember that the proposal (and the wedding) are about the REST of your life. If she asks for "a better effort" on THESE things... what's going to happen later on?

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well I came back to see if you had posted anything else. but now I also wanted to ask, did you give her a ring or just the promise of a ring when you proposed?

 

[musey]

Date: 8/22/2007 12:51:54 PM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
well I came back to see if you had posted anything else. but now I also wanted to ask, did you give her a ring or just the promise of a ring when you proposed?

I honestly don''t think that should even matter. A proposal is not about the ring--and if it is, there are bigger issues to be dealt with there.

I really think the only thing a guy could do "wrong" is if he blatantly ignored his lady''s personality and/or desires (a shy girl and he proposes to her on the big screen at a baseball game, or she tells him repeatedly she would like to have XX shaped diamond and he gives her YY shape [not the same as no ring]) or is downright insulting or dismissive of her during the proposal. Any heartfelt and honest proposal should be met with happiness, IMO... otherwise it becomes quite obvious that those people are in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

 

[hgau999]

Damn...that''s rough. If it was me I would do the redo and then tell her I changed my mind and drop her like a rock. Honestly, I think you two need to talk. I think you need to tell her how you feel about the whole situation. Because your right doing the whole proposal thing just so the camera can capture it not right. I think the proposal should be a think that should be shared just between you and her and not for the whole world to rewind and play back. Like the the beauty of the sparkling diamond all sparkles are unique and just a moment in time. If after your talk and everything is goes well I would perhaps re-ask the question and give her a last chance to redeem herself.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/22/2007 9:08:16 AM
Author: neatfreak
NOW, if you still want to marry her, and this hasn't put you off, have some fun with it. Tell her she can't wear her ring until the re-proposal and make her sweat it out. Start doing all kind of grand romantic gestures, but don't ask her yet. It will drive her crazy. AND make sure to wait until you are feeling it again before you ask her, or else it will always be tainted for you.

THEN....when you finally DO propose the *right* way

...wait for her reaction and then tell her you want a re-do. Tell her she was supposed to jump into your arms screaming "YES!" at the top of her lungs. Be dead serious about it. Then put the ring in a sardine can and hand it over to her during dinner the next night.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/22/2007 1:03:16 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/22/2007 12:51:54 PM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
well I came back to see if you had posted anything else. but now I also wanted to ask, did you give her a ring or just the promise of a ring when you proposed?

I honestly don''t think that should even matter. A proposal is not about the ring--and if it is, there are bigger issues to be dealt with there.

I really think the only thing a guy could do ''wrong'' is if he blatantly ignored his lady''s personality and/or desires (a shy girl and he proposes to her on the big screen at a baseball game, or she tells him repeatedly she would like to have XX shaped diamond and he gives her YY shape [not the same as no ring]) or is downright insulting or dismissive of her during the proposal. Any heartfelt and honest proposal should be met with happiness, IMO... otherwise it becomes quite obvious that those people are in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

Exactly.


I wasn''t proposed to with a ring, but not because my hubby was being a cad, it was because he KNEW how picky I am. He knew I''d want to pick it out myself.

 

[laine]

I knew of someone whos boyfriend put the ring in the bedside table drawer then said "hey, wanna f**k? go get a condom from the drawer" If that were me, I''d have wanted a redo so that I could actually tell people how he proposed.

You also hear about the "here you go" guy tosses box at girl proposals. In that situation I''d want a redo that actually included a proposal. (I don''t mean the he got so flustered he forgot to ask the question type things, but rather the he didn''t seem to care at all ones)

Anyway, barring any sort of extreme situation like these, I think asking for a redo is a bit out of line. I especially think videoing a redo is weird--its clearly a recreation. If she just wants heartfelt and romantic, I think it would be reasonable to make some sort of gesture telling her how much you want to marry her, etc, but its not a proposal, thats done. You can''t pretend it didn''t happen and start over. If I were going to do any sort of redo, I would probably let it become a bit of a joke, like the first one was your proposal and the real one, and refer to the second one as "hers" (not ours). That way she gets a more romantic thing, but the original isn''t just erased.

And actually, I think she''s crazy just to ask and wonder if this is a foreshadowing of a selfish, high maintenance future with her, but I''ll leave that for you to decide.

 

[Nicrez]

I have a different angle here. How well do you know her? I mean REALLY know her? How do you feel your communication is? perfect example, if I really loved horses and was quiet and hated organized sports, but I was proposed to at a baseball game on the jumbotron, I would wonder how much my fiance really cared or knew me. Some girls are hopeless romantics and if you say yes, you want to be certain you have found your "soul mate" and that they did everything to make you happy. Some say the proposal sets the tone for the marraige. What does she want from this marraige? What do you want?

It''s one thing to say you KNOW someone and it''s quite another to know them so well you can forcast a perfect date and be on point. Try that. ask her to fortell your perfect scenario and vice versa. See how well you REALLY know each other. Also, if she is more worried about the details and not the underlying issues then she may be rushing to get married, same as you may be...KNOW who are marrying...

I won''t say she is high maintenance but maybe a bit immature. Maybe the relationship itself is too immature for marraige. I wouldn''t throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet, but back off and TALK. How could two people who would be willing to say forever NOT know eachother that intimately?! Even more shocking is that you heard her tell you all this, and it hurt you so deeply, yet you came onto an anonymous forum to let it out. I would rather tell my best friend and future partner such things then random strangers, because in the end, SHE needs to know and you need to talk and communicate a whole lot more than you have in the past.

So tell her engagement in on hold until you truly understand each other and maybe this extra time will tell you if she is worth the effort or not. But I guarantee you that this should be talked about IMMEDIATELY and resolved. You will at least if nothing else, learn about yourself and what you want out of a wife-to-be, and self-discovery is always the most important lesson we can get out of anything...

Good luck and I wish you both the best. Communicate, and then tell us how it goes (now that we have a vested interest!)

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Date: 8/22/2007 1:03:16 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/22/2007 12:51:54 PM

Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards

well I came back to see if you had posted anything else. but now I also wanted to ask, did you give her a ring or just the promise of a ring when you proposed?

I honestly don't think that should even matter. A proposal is not about the ring--and if it is, there are bigger issues to be dealt with there.

I def understand that the proposal isnt about a ring. but, I was just asking because it would at least be understandable for her to ask him to propose again later once he had a ring, which would in essence be a redo, and if thats the case...well then shemight make some other suggestions as well

as long as she didnt say no, you have to give me a ring before I agree to marry you, but jsut said, since you have promised to give me a ring when you actually have it can you do it again, oh and make it a surprise, oh and lets video tape it, etc etc, then that would really be perfectly reasonable and understandable in my book.

Afterall, I can understand proposing before the ring was aquired, but at the same time, I, as a male, would not just want to hand her the ring in casual conversation or have her pick it up from the store and then call it the Ering, in my mind that would sortof turn it into an extravagent piece of jewelery no more sentimentally valuable than any other present given to her (and that a really expensive one just when wedding plans are starting to be made, which makes it almost ridiculous to do without the unique value attributed because of the proposal), I would def want the whole surprise proposal element attached to it and could understand someones female fiance feeling the same way. Either way, I think anyone could relate to that position--and as he didnt mention anything about a ring I was curious. and I can also imagine a guy leaving that little detail out in his upset initial post...... allthough it would change the whole mood, objective, and atmosphere of her request.

We just really dont have enough information right now to know whats actually going on.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

and for the record, pending the exact details I am in agreement with Nicrez, but either way, good luck buddy, I am feeling your pain.

 

[nessvan12]

WOW! I can''t believe that...how selfish. I don''t care how it was done, what was said, where it was said, as long as you said that you wanted her to be your wife then it is uncalled for for her to ask for a re-do. I''m kinda pissed about that for you. I''m waiting for my BF to propose and he could do it at 2am with no ring waking me up out of sleep and I''d be estatic that he asked and that we got to move on to the next phase of our relationship. I feel so sad for you...is she normally a selfish diva kind of girl? I''m shocked someone could ruin such a special moment with such selfishness. Ugh...

 

[gwendolyn]

This makes me sad. It''s like your half of it didn''t even matter. I''m really sorry, hon, and I hope you''re doing some serious thinking about all this. Sounds like a huge CAUTION sign to me.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh no she didn''t!!!!

I am speechless.

 

[snlee]

Wow. I completely agree with you! I cannot believe she said that and made that request. I agree with Nicrez, how well do you know her? You shouldn''t feel like you can''t tell her how you feel. I believe communication is key in a relationship. I would tell her honestly how you feel about it (like you shared with us). Let us know how it goes.

 

[anchor31]

Wow. I'm so sorry about this... How sad.

A proposal doesn't have to be a fairytale dream to be beautiful and meaningful. My then-BF had nothing planned; he just took me to get the ring, took me to the park, we took a walk, he got down on own knee, said sweet nothings and whispered promises and asked for my hand. Was it what I'd always imagined? No. Was it perfect? YES. I cried. I said yes. I'll always remember it as own of the happiest moments of my life, and it'll always make me a little weepy.

I'm sorry your fiancé doesn't see it that way. I don't mean to be rude, but... I wonder what's more important to her... The ring, the proposal and the wedding, or the marriage?

 

[DMBsGirl]

I''m so sorry about this! I really don''t understand why she would react that way. Can you share with us how you proposed? I think the only way I would ever want a redo is if my boyfriend threw the ring at me during one of my rants about wanting to be engaged, lol. I highly doubt this was your situation though!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/22/2007 1:31:39 PM
Author: laine
I knew of someone whos boyfriend put the ring in the bedside table drawer then said ''hey, wanna f**k? go get a condom from the drawer'' If that were me, I''d have wanted a redo so that I could actually tell people how he proposed.


You also hear about the ''here you go'' guy tosses box at girl proposals. In that situation I''d want a redo that actually included a proposal. (I don''t mean the he got so flustered he forgot to ask the question type things, but rather the he didn''t seem to care at all ones)

This question "How did he propose?" was the first thing that crossed my mind, which is why I''m hesitant to tar and feather her right away. The request for a video re-enactment is bizarre, to be sure, but I''m very curious as to know how he did propose. (Recently I read a story about a girl who was furious because her boyfriend proposed during shower sex -- I kid you not -- and it was NOT the kind of romantic story she was hoping to be able to tell her loved ones. Sure, she could make up a story, but who wants to have to lie when asked how he proposed?

)

But back to USAguy. Had she dropped any hints about what kind of proposal she was hoping for? Some women have very strong preferences when it comes to both the ring itself and what sort of proposal they''d like. I understand that you must be feeling very bleak and wounded at the moment, and I''m sorry that this has happened to you. There is still room for compromise, if you feel this relationship is what you want; it can be turned around into something that builds communication and understanding between you two. This proposal can be about you both equally; neither you jumping through her hoops nor her left unsatisfied.

Unless of course, this story isn''t one-sided and she''s really this immature, horrible, controlling, and selfish, in which case, the tar bucket and freshly caught chicken are at hand.

 

[Mara]

Date: 8/25/2007 2:19:33 AM
Author: Galateia

This question 'How did he propose?' was the first thing that crossed my mind, which is why I'm hesitant to tar and feather her right away.

My thoughts exactly. How can anyone say they feel sorry for him or that he should drop her without knowing more of the story? That is so one of the things about these anonymous forums that can do way more harm than good.

Who knows what the real proposal is like? Who knows what her expectations were? From a different perspective, most people only plan to get married ONCE. That means chances are they will only ever have one real proposal from their mate. Some people do seriously build it up in their mind and they expect a lot. Especially if friends have gotten amazing proposals or whatever as well, that just adds to higher expectations. Right or wrong, that is just how it is. Many men have no idea what their gf's really expect it seems.

That said, her delivery about asking you to re-propose and how to do it and all that is pretty insensitive. I have no idea how your relationship is but there are some red flags here big time. Is she controlling? Are you very passive? Is this how your relationship is? Do you two communicate much, I totally agree with Nicrez about coming onto a forum and spilling this rather than talking to her directly about it.

In my opinion, she is not wrong to ask you to re propose just like you were not wrong to propose in whatever way you did. Right and wrong almost have no place in a marriage. It's mostly about how someone 'feels' about actions. You can't change someone's feelings. She feels like you should re-do and you feel bitter that the first time wasn't good enough.

You two need to talk, definitely...but if this is a pattern with her or your relationship, do definitely think about that moving fwd...be sure you want this for the rest of your life (and she should be thinking that too because if she wants prince charming super romantic guy, you sound like you are not that. so she should just be aware as well!). That said, marriage is not about romantic cutesy gestures...and maybe her expectations are too high as well. Communication is key. Good luck.

 

[ladyciel]

Somehow I don''t think he''s coming back...

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/25/2007 3:44:22 PM
Author: ladyciel
Somehow I don''t think he''s coming back...

maybe it had something to do with all the future fiance bashing and discrediting of his relationship without knowing him or his girlfriend at all we did....

. i don''t know if that qualifies as "help".

 

[Independent Gal]

ETA: Just read through the thread and everything I said was actually said before!

The key thing is, you definitely need to talk to her about your feelings on this. Otherwise you'll resent her forever. Talk to her! If she doesn't understand why it hurts your feelings, consider whether she'll really make a good partner to you. If she does, then wonderful! But definitely tell her how you feel.

Good luck!