The Saga Continues (see Complicated Situation below)

[pauloyd]

Well, after a supposedly successful visit to my girlfriend''s Mom''s house in Ohio - in which nothing of our situation was brought up because she didn''t feel the time was ever right - my girlfriend decided its time for us to call up her Mom together and tell her of our plans. The idea was that if her Mom had any concerns she could raise them, and whatever the result - we could move on with our plans.

Well she emailed her Mom to set up a time for the 3 of us to talk and her Mom wrote her back a 5 page email detailing how my girlfriend is not ready to be married yet (She''s 25), and yadda yadda. The Mom also said she wants to talk to my girlfriend alone first to understand her feelings. My pending-fiance was obviously upset by this. She feels her Mom doesn''t trust her to make decisions, and is making everything so terrible when it need not be. Apparently this has nothing to do with me.

So I am just being supportive and telling her that her Mom has been through a lot in her life and if she could just tell her Mom how all this upsets her and stand up for herself, she would do a lot of good for herself.

Meanwhile, we still want to get engaged in time for a October 05 wedding - so I''m not sure how to work that in. I am not sure if I cna just pick up and do it with all this still fresh. But I can''t wait barely too long either if we want a good year for planning....

 

[KSparkles]

Wow - sounds like her mom is having a tough time letting go! Looks like a very intense situation, and you're doing the right thing by just supporting your g/f and her mom, rather than pushing them into anything. That way, if you guys end up getting engaged despite your g/f's mom's opinions, your g/f will not feel as though she was pushed into something or that he mother was alientated in any way - you're giving her mom a good chance to become involved in this situation, whereas many people would have said screw it and eloped by now. Best of luck - hang in there - all you can do is support your g/f and give her advice when she's ready to receive it...I'm sure it'll work out when her mom sees how mature you're both being by openly discussing feelings and plans with her.

 

[aljdewey]

I'm sorry to say it bluntly, but the time for niceties has passed.




I applaud you both wanting to be mindful of her mom's feelings, and I would of course recommend taking that road on the first outing. However, there comes a point (and I think you're more than at that point now) where your GF needs to say "I'm not asking for your permission, I'm asking for your blessing. I trust in my judgment of what's right for me, and even if you think I'm wrong, it's my choice to make. I'd really like it if you could be happy for me, but if you can't, then you'll have to come to terms because this WILL be."




The sad fact is: this is setting the tone for what happens down the line. Are you going to go through this every time your FMIL doesn't agree with a choice/decision you two make? As it stands now, you are showing her (through your actions) that she can exert pressure/control. That's not a good precedent.




I'm desperately close to my mom now.......we had years where we weren't. Even though we are close, I wouldn't allow her to bully my decisions. However, maybe her mom is right....if your GF is not prepared to exert herself as an adult and say "Mom, I respect your opinion, but I need to do what I think is right for me."......then perhaps she's not adult enough to enter into marriage.

 

[Kamuelamom]

pauloyd,

I just read both of your threads on your situation and I feel for you. I admire your patience despite having tried more than once to pull off your brilliant plan.

Control is a tough thing.

Having come from a dysfunctional background myself, I can only say that it is not something that goes away easily. Your GF will need to learn how to let go some of that guilt that she lives with; not guilty for anything *she* did, but guilt that just grows in you when you live in dysfuntional situations. The bitter divorce plays into this in a big way. As long as she is unwilling to live her own life (continually seeks the "approval" of her mom for her decisions) then I'm afraid that you will need to continue being patient even if this marriage proposal goes through. The next big step will be when you buy a home together, then eventually have kids together. Mom will always feel she has control over her daughter in some way. It's her mom's own guilt (a clear natural consequence) of living in unhealthy relationships.

Healing is a life long process. Only a spouse who really loves their partner will endure through the consequences of tough past. These are often deep emotional issues. On her part, taking back some control of her life is part of the healing process. Perhaps some pre-marital counseling will help you both.

I wish you the best. Please let us know how this goes for you.

 

[quaeritur]

I agree with aljdewey and Kamuelamom... And yet I can also really relate to your girlfriend's situation. Counseling may be a very good idea in helping you find ways to manage a relationship that may not be "fixable."

My mother played the same cards. She also wanted to talk to me separately from my then-boyfriend, now-husband. And when I gave her the opportunity, she used it only to attack him, to say that he was controlling me and turning me against her (pot...kettle...). Just be aware that if her mom is opposed to this marriage because she doesn't want to give up control of her daughter, no blow may be too low for her.

I've been blessed with seven years (and counting) in a happy and healthy marriage with the guy my mom suggested was either gay (not that there's anything wrong with that

) or an axe murderer. But I couldn't have done it before letting my mother know in no uncertain terms that my decisions are just that, MINE to make. I really think your girlfriend needs to be ready to make that call, or she may not be ready for marriage. Because in my experience, it doesn't get better with mom, and she will never give up on regaining control.

You two have to be very grounded and secure of your own relationship, and also establish boundaries early on with her mother. She's still controlling the situation, and that needs to change if you want to build a family of your own.

But this isn't something you can change, this is something your girl needs to figure out. And where counseling might be helpful -you can be supportive of her, and she can work out her issues about her mother, while strengthening your relationship with each other.

 

[Hest88]

Oh, gosh Paul, your GF is a cutie! I can see why you don't want to wait any longer.

I think the only thing you can do is tell your GF to stand firm with her mom if that's what she wants. My tactic would be to say "I understand what you're saying, Mom, but I know I'm making the right decision" to everything her mom says. Good luck to the both of you.