Should someone be ready as a husband before proposing?

[Tinkerbel]

My boyfriend and I have already been dated for 12 years this October. We''re highschool sweetheart. Reason why we''re still not engaged/married is because my mom had just accepted him the past Christmas. So throughout this 12 years, we''re together all the time, but sometimes in ''underground'' mode due to my mom. But now we''re really good. Everyone is pushing us to get married (including my mom) because I''ve 2 more months to finish off my 20s.

I''ve discussed the topic of getting married with him. He said he''s sincere to be with me, but it''s just that he''s not ready to take the responsibility to be a husband yet. I respect him for saying that. But can''t he just proposed to me first to show his sincerity and promise of love?

I mean, I understand that he''s not ready to get married yet. But being engaged, we still have time in between engagement and marriage for him to adjust.

For myself, I''m ready. I''m just waiting for him to propose to me. I''ve always hinted but I don''t want to push him. I don''t want to give him pressure to propose to me as this will not be sincere. I want him to propose to me with his willingless.

So when is the good time to be proposed? What''s the meaning of engagement?

 

[Lorelei]

Hi Tinkerbel and welcome

Just my thoughts on this, I think many guys see getting engaged as a big commital/ intention to marry and won''t propose until they feel ready to actually marry and follow through. It could be the case with your boyfriend that he feels this way and doesn''t view an engagement the same way you do as a promise of love. I think IMO that he won''t propose until he feels ready to marry, as this to him would be a commitment on his part that is his intention. Also he may feel pressure from others that if he were to propose, he would have to buy a ring

, announce it to the world, be asked so when is the wedding, where are you having it etc! He has been upfront with you that he isn''t ready to marry and better that he is honest about it than you feeling that he has only proposed to please you.

I think step back a bit, try not to hint about weddings and give him time to adjust to the idea of marriage. If in time a proposal still hasn''t happened then you may want to assess the situation and decide if marriage is truly that important to you. If not and he still feels the same way, fine, but if not you might need to really think longer term about what will be best for you! I hope this helps a bit, but to answer your questions in my opinion an engagement is a clear indication of a couple''s intent to marry and there is no good time for a proposal, only one where it is right for the couple in question. Maybe he might be open to the idea of a promise ring, or special piece of jewelry to show his commitment to you, but I think you need to discuss this again possibly so that both your feelings are taken into account and that a good compromise can be found.

 

[Mara]

This may not be what you wanted to hear but TWELVE YEARS????? Oh my gosh. I would think he would be ready by now after that long with someone, that is longer than most marriages last nowadays.

I know you were young when you met and all that but twelve years with someone to not have a formal committment is a long time. On the mother situation, I can't believe it took her 11 years to warm up to this guy, that is ridiculous in and of itself! I would have told her to get with the program at year 5 if not before.

Anyway...obviously you know your relationship better than any of us, but I would venture to say that after this long he should be ready to marry you or at least propose to move to that next stage of your life. If you guys have been together this long, then what is a ring or a marriage? Guys think differently thank women on this type of thing but again, TWELVE YEARS??

One of the best couples I know met in college and were married a few years later. They built everything TOGETHER from the ground up. It wasn't one of them waiting til they were ready to be a good 'husband' or 'wife'...they wanted to learn and grow together. They are really solid. I love that idea of growing together, I think it bonds you even stronger through shared achievements of dreams.

Make that boy propose!

 

[ame]

I don''t think most guys are "ready to be a husband" for a few years after the wedding

Living together helps measurably, I think, it "trains" people to learn some consideration. That''s a major part of a marriage, being able to live with each other.

 

[Tinkerbel]

Thanks everyone....

and Congradulation to you, Mara, on your engagement ring! That''s gorgeous.

 

[jellybean]

I think most (or many) guys see getting engaed and getting married the same thing. Well, at least that''s what my husband says.

When we got engaged it was because he was ready to become a husband. We had a 14 month engagement, and there were many times he asked if we could just push the wedding up so that we could be married sooner.

Since you are in your late 20''s, I don''t mean to sound rude, but does your boyfriend need to accomplish something in order for him to feel ready to be a husband? Is he still in school? Starting a new career? Many men too need to feel financially successful before they become married. Is he like this?

I agree, 12 years is a heck of a long time for him to make up his mind. I admire his honesty, but if he isn''t ready by now, will he ever be?

 

[Tinkerbel]

Well... he will be graduating in CMA in 15 days. He said he''s not psychological ready. And true, we need to settle the financial issue to get a house.

 

[Mara]

I just so don't understand that need for men to feel settled or 'ready' to be a husband. I don't know that I felt ready to be a WIFE...what does that mean anyway? I think alot of it is a certain mentality and fear of what the future/unknown will mean. For you Tinker, I would tell him, we have been together for 12 years, what will really change? That is what I told my boyfriend at the time...I said..well it's been almost 2 years..do you think I will grow horns or suddenly become more demanding if we got engaged or married? Chances are NO. hehee. He did agree he had some weird concept of wanting to 'do' XYZ or achieve a goal or something first. Whatever is important to them. But he did recognize that it should be us together achieving goals and building a future. I told him, what you can't get that dream job if you are married when it happens? What you can't go back to school for another masters if you are married? Please. It doesn't mean we have to get married and start popping out kids (that was also another misconception he had, aka you get married and have a kid...like it's required!)...part of what freaked him out was the potential responsibility of becoming a 'husband' and acting like an adult. But I pointed out to him that things don't have to CHANGE just because you become engaged or married. It's still you two the way it always has been.

Also, I don't believe in waiting til you can afford a house or wedding to get married either. It's about being together, whether you rent or get married at a justice of the peace with $20 gold bands, or whatever. I think alot of the 'extras' just freak people out.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I understand waiting for a proposal (not 12 years of course but I waited over 4, just a drop in the bucket compared to you) It is horribly frusterating and I even got depressed about it. In my mind I wondered why he wasn''t as excited to marry me as I was to marry him. It is equally hard when everyone around you is being pushy about the topic. If you met in high school and are still together that is great. I don''t think FI and I would have liked each other if we met as teenagers. People change and you have obviously grown together which is wonderful. I honestly think you have to talk to him. I was very communitive with FI about what I expected and wanted. This is about both of your lives so you need to agree on what is best for both of you. Maybe he is scared. Maybe he is throwing you off so you are surprised. Maybe he wants to wait until he can afford/support you (guys are wierd like that). Maybe he doesn''t want to get married. You need to talk to him about it. Good luck!

 

[Jelly]

Could it be possible that he doesn't want to get engaged or married at all?

If this is bothering you, it's worth bringing up the subject to him. I'd like to think if my significant other had a problem, he'd feel open enough to talk about it with me.

It's not in your best interest to control him and make him propose against his better judgement. The worst thing you could do is play games with him. Be open and honest about your future.

He has to make his own decision about this life commitment to you. Unfortunately if marriage is not in the cards for him, then maybe it's time to move on to someone who wants the same thing out of life as you do.

Don't worry about hitting 30. Life doesn't end there.