It Got Botched

[HeadShrinker03]

I posted the proposal idea here before (sometime in mid-July), so the details of it are there. Basically, I was going to take her to a restaurant and have the proposal printed in the menu. The feedback that I got was that this was a really good idea.
After looking around for a long time, I found the perfect place. It had the right kind of menus, the atmosphere was very romantic, and the manager was extremely nice and helpful. To test the waters with her a few days before, I said a co-worker had highly recommended the place, and that we should go that weekend. She didn''t say much of anything, positive or negative.
Unfortunately (and of course I didn''t realize this), she had worked there a few years ago, and was apparently humiliatingly fired. So, the big day came, and I told her that I had made reservations there for 7 PM. She refused to go. No matter how insistent I was, or how much I begged, pleaded, and cajoled, she wouldn''t budge. (You would think that she would realize that something was up, since I am normally very easygoing and would not have cared too much where we went, or even if we went out someplace). About 5:30 or so, I threw in the towel. While she was in the bathroom, I told her very shortly that I was going out to run some errands and left. I went to the restaurant, got the ring back (it had been taped under the table to make any of her "hugs"/pat-downs useless), and took it back to where I had been keeping it (not at our place).
The kicker, of course, is that when I got back, she was sitting there, all dressed up, and pissed at me because it was an hour after our reservations. Apparently (and certainly without telling me), she had decided to give in and go along with me. She was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower when I left. Of course, only later that night did she figure out what was going on.
So now, I have to go through the huge hassle (and expense) of doing things over several weeks to string her along and throw her off again (I had been doing that for a few weeks before the original attempt). Then, of course, I have to re-plan the actual proposal. What''s even better is that I have a major professional licensing exam coming up at the end of this month, so I won''t even be able to begin planning the process until that is over with.
It really sucks, because now, despite any efforts I make to throw her off, it will probably be very obvious (and therefore much less special) when I actually do it again. Also, I don''t remember ever being as happy or excited as I was leading up to the proposal, or as hurt and disappointed when it fell through.
Sorry this post is so long. I guess I just needed to vent (even though this happened in mid-September). I also wanted to give the unfortunate update to those who replied to my orignial post.

Jeff

 

[sevens one]

Oh Jeff, all that planning. I'm so sorry it turned out that way. Geez.
I hope everything works out for you.
You just never know do you?

 

[websailor]

Hang in there! My sweetie made it very difficult to suprise her too, so she didn't get the proposal for quite a while either....she COULD have been engaged months earlier!

 

[websailor]

Hmmm, since she will expect anything obvious, you'll have to come up with the non obvious. I'm sure the folks here can come up with some ideas - I know I've read some great misdirection stories!

Does she have sisters/brothers? How about working with them for a proposal at a family Thanksgiving dinner? Perhaps instead of bringing out a pie, there could be a covered dish with a ring under it....

Or the fake staff meeting at her work place?

 

[KSparkles]

Wow she's lucky to have such a great guy. I'm so sorry your plan fell through, but I'm sure you can come up with a cute idea. Maybe something on an unexpected holiday like Halloween, or like Websailor said, Thanksgiving. Those are much more surprising than Christmas would be. I'm sure it'll end up wonderfully - good luck!

 

[cflutist]

----------------
On 10/2/2004 10:27:33 PM websailor wrote:

Hang in there! My sweetie made it very difficult to suprise her too, so she didn't get the proposal for quite a while either....she COULD have been engaged months earlier!----------------

In March 1996 we were vacationing in Maui. One morning, I walk out on the balcony, look down on the sandy beach to see that someone had written "will you marry me?"

in the sand. Thinking that it came from websailor, I was all excited until he said "that wasn't from me".

Well, websailor did finally proposed in July 1996 and we were married in August 1997.

 

[iceprincess]

Oh Headshrinker!
I'm sorry that things got messed up that night. You are a total darling to go through so much planning to make your engagement special. It really is the thoughtfulness and intention behind your plans that make it special.

Take it from me, my engagement surprise was botched by external forces beyond my dear fiance's control. He had planned two months prior and made reservations for an elegant European-style inn in wine country in Napa Valley for Valentine's weekend this year. He had planned with the concierge to have two dozen long stemmed imported red roses waiting for us in the room with a card that asked me to marry him.

Well, despite all his double checking on the day we were supposed to have arrived, when we entered the room there were no roses waiting for us. He was furious and called the front desk and 5 minutes later our roses and the card came up. He was obviously flustered and angry and there was no way of hiding what was going on.

I had an idea that he was going to propose that weekend (I was given full reign of shopping for my ring), but when the man who you love asks you to marry him nothing else matters but you two. It was no less special for me.

We never called the owners of the inn about this incident and I never posted this on PS before this day because I really feel this was how my proposal was meant to be for us just as it felt fated for us to have met in the first place. Our diappointment was eased by the fact that this was not unlike our lives and relationship in general. Who could live up to unrealistic standards of perfection?

Whatever you end up doing for your proposal, I hope you both will be happy and not forgot what this is all about in the first place- your love for each other.

Best of luck to you both and congratulations on your future life together!

 

[gingerBcookie]

----------------
On 10/3/2004 11:10:17 AM cflutist wrote:
<BR

In March 1996 we were vacationing in Maui. One morning, I walk out on the balcony, look down on the sandy beach to see that someone had written 'will you marry me?'

in the sand. Thinking that it came from websailor, I was all excited until he said 'that wasn't from me'.

----------------

LOL!

sorry about your plans headshrinker. don't worry, hwatever ends up happening, it will be unbelievably special to her because it's from you. the essence of the "moment" is not surprise, the steps leading up to it, the romantic resataurant, the candle light....it's you, it's her, it's the love you share.

 

[JimDiamond]

Okay you say she, "figured out what was going on." Does that mean she realized you were going to propose? Or she just thought maybe you were going to or what? I say you can still make it special and you don't have to go through a series of "misdirects" or other hassle for the both of you. You tried a very structured proposal, so now try an unstructured one. Figure out a way to end up in the place where you first met, or first kissed or in some locale that appeals to both of you (sunset, mountains, rose garden, beach etc.) Then have the ring with you (probably not in the ring box since it would be bulky). When you're talking and relaxing and enjoying each other's company, talk about how wonderful she is, or aspects of your relationship or fond memories, etc. Then when you feel the time is right you pull out the ring, get on your knee and propose. The good thing about this less structured method is you don't have to pick an exact date. You could try to do a specific date in a specific place, but that kind of defeats the purpose. Since the cat is already somewhat out of the bag, you need to not be too insistent about where you're going or when. As you pointed out you normally aren't. So see if you can subtly move her in the direction of going to such a place or enlist one of her friends to plant the seed. You can still propose without her expecting it at that moment and it will be a very special moment.

I know this is disappointing to you, but maybe it was for the best. If her experience at that restaurant was so bad, she may have been so uncomfortable so as not to be in a very good mood when your proposal came. Especially since it was on the menu, which of course would be seen when you had just sit down and were ordering. Besides it'll make a great story once the proposal is behind you.

 

[roadpupp]

It is awful the way your hard work got spoiled by random.

However, I am in agreement with Diamond Jim. Just do it. Find a time when you can be together in some quiet place and pour your heart out to her, present the ring and ask her the magic question. It doesn't have to be a game of mystery and misdirection.

Those are my two cents. I am going on vacation, bringing the ring and hope to catch a sunset or a quiet moment in a beautiful setting.

Good luck and you will still get major props for putting the whole dinner thing together.

 

[Alice in DiamondLand]

Do not be discouraged - for some reason, it simply wasn't supposed to happen that way. I knew that i was eventaully going to be proposed and semi thought it would happen when we went away on weekend getaway. Instead, a few days before, we had gone out to celebrate our 1 year anniversary, and he asked me then. All very natural, not a big ordeal, very sweet and intimate. Just do it. Next time you are over at her place or you at hers, put it under her pillow or something simple and sweet like that. Take her flowers and put the box in the flowers. Todd asked me to get a battery out of his camera case and there it was. I was totally surprised. Although we were in a very pretty and special setting (where we had first met) - that was all just the icing on the cake. The cake was/is him.

Just ask her, and move on. Once you do, things change. At least that was my experience. With all the anticipation, frankly, I was a bit uptight. Then he asked me and we've moved on into yet another lovely and fun stage of our relationship.

It doesn't have to be elaborate. It just needs to be sincere. Speak from your heart. Although I love to plan things, I must say that when i have let life unfold naturally, without freaking out about all the details along the way, it ALWAYS turns out better and more real then I could have planned.

 

[HeadShrinker03]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, encouragement, and ideas. They really are helpful. I do realize that, essentially, it is the thought and the meaning of the proposal that is important, rather than the mechanics of it.
Like I said, at this point I'm not sure how I will try to do it again. A less structure approach or one that involves her family (specifically her mom, since she is the only one that lives close by and sees her on a regular basis) is appealing. It would certainly be less of a headache for me. Still, there's a part of me that is really proud of myself for coming up with the "proposal in the menu" idea (since I'm typically not good at thinking of romantic things like that), and wants to stick with it. To answer your question, Jim, she knows for sure I was going to do it that night. Therefore, I'm at least hoping that she would be much less inclined to resist any plans I make, since she feels really awful about the first try getting screwed up. As I mentioned before, though, I can't even really begin seriously thinking about this before the end of the month. Actually, I'm supposed to be studying for my test right now.
Thank you again, everyone! I'll keep you posted as to what I am considering/how it went.

 

[JimDiamond]

You see, HeadShrinker, the beautiful thing is you still get credit for the menu idea. You still get to tell her about it (after the fact now) and maybe even show her still, so she'll still be impressed by your planning and romantic idea.

And as you correctly point out, by keeping your proposal low key know you can still have an element of surprise.

Good luck! It'll work out great you'll see. If she didn't run screaming for the hills when she found out your intentions, then she'll be eagerly awaiting your sweet proposal.

 

[aljdewey]

So how about a blanket picnic? Go to your local deli or caterer and have a lovely meal prepared.

Light a few candles around your living room....and spread a blanket out on the living room floor and have a picnic.

When she's seated, tell her the picnic allows a choice of meal, and ask her to select what she'd like to have from your menu....and present the menu!

Romantic....AND private! And you get credit for the menu.

 

[websailor]

I think using the menu at this time is a no-go. It's got bad memories associated with it (both from her past experience at the restaurant and the botched attempt at dinner/proposal). So I'd stay away from directly using the menu.

The ideas (such as a picnic, etc) are all great though.

I just don't think I'd want to associate a wonderful occasion (the proposal), with something that has bad memories....