I''ve never met or spoken to her parents. Should I still ask her father for permission?

[TexasLawyer]

Hello everyone.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months. She is definitely the one for me, and I plan to propose to her on New Years Eve.

However, I have never spoken to or met her parents. They live 1200 miles away, and they are elderly (68 and 73) and cannot travel down to visit her.

I guess my question is whether it is ok to propose in today''s day and age without asking her father for permission. Normally I would do it as a sign of respect, but honestly...I have never spoken to the man and so it would seem strange to ask him for his permission because he doesn''t really know me.

I have received mixed responses to this question, but I was wondering if anyone on here could shed some light on the matter. I don''t want her father to always feel like I disrespected him, but I think it would be extremely uncomfortable to ask him for permission when we''ve never spoken previously. She is not traveling up there to visit for at least another 8 months, and I don''t want to wait that long to propose just so I can meet her parents first.

Thanks!

 

[RJB]

TexasLawyer,

Not knowing how independent your girlfriend is from her parents, which could affect the situtation, my suggestion is:

Call him up and ask for his blessing. You are not asking for permission because you two are grown-ups and can do what you like. The blessing is a nice middle ground because you are still showing your respect for his opinion yet you are not putting too much control into his hands.

That''s my opinion.
Good luck!
RJB

 

[TexasLawyer]

Thanks for the reply.

To add a bit more info...she is 31 years old and has been indepedent of her parents for 10 years now. Thus, I feel it is more of "our" decision. However, asking him for his blessing might be a good middle ground.

 

[MissAva]

Do you have their street address? If so a nice handwritten letter would be tasteful. And it gives them time to think and react without you waiting on the phone.

 

[widget]

This is interesting...I suppose it depends a lot on how close your GF is to her parents...and also how traditional they are.

I like Matatora's idea of a letter, too...perhaps with a follow up phone call.

Of course, you could always just wait and propose, and assuming she says yes

you could BOTH call them right away and ask them for their blessings...

Good luck! And let us know what you decide!

widget

 

[stretch4]

Hmm...interesting situation.

I like the idea of a personal, handwritten note explaining how much you love their daughter and how you would like their blessing. However, I guess it just seems a bit odd to be asking for a blessing when they don''t have any clue who you are!

And I think a letter would be best followed up by a phone call, that way they have time to think of their response, but they get to talk to you on the phone too. Maybe if in the letter you tell them all about yourself, that makes it a bit less strange...

Has she told you that she has told her parents all about you? Do they know you exist? Do they know your name? Do you know theirs? I guess it all depends on how much you and the parents know about each other.

 

[ellewoods]

Hi Texas Lawer.

It sounds like you''re in a tough position.....but one that is common these days with families living all over the country/world, and people being on their own and independent longer than in the past, and modern times meaning that people don''t have to pretend as much as in the past that families fit the "Leave it to Beaver" mold. Personally, I am not very close with my parents and I have been on my own since I was 17 (I''m 27 now). I do speak to my father but he lives across the country from me, and my mother and I have not spoken in a couple years for various negative reasons.

Anyway....I understand that it may be nice to ask her father''s "permission" or at least give him (and/or her parents) a "heads up" about the proposal. In my situation, I don''t feel that I need "permission" from my father, or parents or family to get engaged or married.....and I also don''t feel that I need their "blessing" either. My dad has met my long time boyfriend several (albeit brief) times now, and my father likes him very much. But my boyfriend and my dad are certainly not close....and I''m not even that close with my dad. I just know that my dad is an old-fashioned guy.....and as much as I don''t feel I need his "blessing" or "permission" I know that if my boyfriend wanted to propose, it would mean a TON to my dad to be consulted or told about it.

So if it''s not a big inconvenience for you to talk to her dad via phone, or a card, and you can deal with it, I think the gesture would be appreciated by her dad. I would say that you don''t need to make it specific to her dad either, given that you have not met her parents....I think you can make a nice phone call, or send a card, to BOTH of her parents and say "I love your daughter, I promise to support her dreams and wishes in life and always love her and I would really be grateful for your blessing to propose," etc.

That being said, I don''t think it''s necessary in your situation unless you feel strongly that her parents should be consulted....or you know that she feels strongly that they should be consulted. It sounds like you''re both mature adults, independent and have been on your own a long while, and it may be out of character to even consult her parents before proposing. In your situation, as you have not met her parents, they''re older, and they cannot visit her.....I don''t think it''s out of line for you to propose, and then you and she can tell her parents together that you''re engaged (or she can tell them first if she wants to). I don''t think they''d feel offended or hurt....I mean if you''ve never even met them, it is very intimate and uncomfortable and forced to call them and ask for their permission or blessing to propose....maybe no one will agree with my comments, but given your situation, I don''t think that it calls for you to do a formal asking for permission or blessing from her father before proposing. The asking/consultation won''t really mean anything, given you haven''t even met them.

If my boyfriend and I get engaged somewhere down the line (which I hope happens soon!

)....I think it''d be nice if he called my dad and asked for his blessing. But not for my sake....it would be simply because I know my dad is old fashioned and kinda cheesy and he would feel really important that my boyfriend even thought to call him. But I now it also would be somewhat uncomfortable and awkward for my boyfriend to do, and if he decided not to, I wouldn''t care one bit. We would be engaged, and I''d call my dad to tell him the news. I really don''t think my dad would be sad or angry that my boyfriend hadn''t called him beforehand. And if for some reason he did, well that''s not my problem. I''ve been on my own and fully supported myself in every way the last 10 years, and to me, that means that I make the decisions about my life and I don''t need anyone''s blessing or permission to do anything.

I know this might seem extreme to some people, but I''m not even sure I want my dad to walk me down the isle when I get married. Not because I want to punish him or hurt him, but it seems silly to me to put on a fake show for my wedding just to bow to tradition or my dad''s old-fashioned notions of what a wedding should be. I will be paying for everything myself, I have been completely on my own for 10 years now, and I''ve never had a traditional family. I haven''t made up my mind yet (as I''m not even engaged), but I know that I don''t want to follow any traditions that don''t fully represent me and my fiance. The dad-walking-me-down-the-isle situation may be one of those. Same with the asking-dad-for-permission/blessing.

I''m not trying to sound harsh or criticize others if that''s what they have done, but it might not be right for me. So doing the whole pre-proposal talk with her father might not be right for you and your girlfriend (soon to be fiance!!!) either.

I wish you the best of luck. I think a New Year''s Eve proposal would be the most romantic and special thing ever. She''s a lucky lady!

 

[valeria101]

Can anyone imagine what the father might think getting a call from a complete stranger asking for his daughter?


Perhaps they may expect getting a call from her announcing she has a lucky relationship.

 

[ellewoods]

First -- I apologize for my super long post above. I didn''t mean to talk so much!

Also, I definitely agree with Valeria. In your certain situation, I think her parents would be much happier getting a phone call from their daughter announcing her engagement and telling them how happy she is with you, than getting a phone call from you (who they haven''t met and don''t know), asking for their blessing etc. I would imagine they''d feel very awkward if you called to ask permission, as they obviously want their daughter to be happy but it''s hard to expect their pre-proposal permission or blessing when they haven''t met you. I''m sure you''re a wonderful guy of course, but in your situation I think I''d propose first, tell her parents after.

Good luck!

 

[snuga]

Has your girlfriend ever mentioned anything that would make you think you should ask for her parents blessing? It may be really important to her/them, but it may also not be. Some people firmly believe in it and others don''t. If you haven''t already asked your girlfriend, I would try to approach the subject in a round-about way, maybe discussing how traditional her parents are and go from there. Whatever you decide, I hope that it all goes well and keep us posted!!

 

[door knob solitaire]

Hi, I am old fashioned...and I feel the 73 year old father is too!

This begins with common telephone etiquette as in any call. The conversation continues and nice things about what you two have in common...His daughter/Your love...and you may tell a story of how you met...how much you respect her...something funny...then what it is about her that made you know she is the one for you...then you apologize having not had the opportunity to physically meet him, and you tell him you will be asking her for her hand...

Surely your finance has mentioned you to her parents, at somepoint. He should know of you. He has already told people his daughter is dating an attorney. You are a prize! Ok no brain surgeon...but the next best thing!

Listen you nay sayers...they are going to marry anyway. Whether the father says yes or no, right? Why not show the father respect? Yes, it is uncomfortable talking to someone you have never met...but you should be willing to walk over hot coals for your bride to be...why not place a simple call. You are going to have far more uncomfortable calls to make in your profession. This is good practice.

Why not make a couple of calls. You don''t have to mention the marriage thing on the first call. Ask the daughter what interest her father has...fly fishing? Ask him about the last time he fished. Ask your girlfriend to make a call to them and introduce you. You don''t have to reveal to her why you are wanting to call them. If you can''t travel to meet them, your request shouldn''t be too crazy. 10 months, holidays, you regret having not the opportunity to meet them....yadd yadda yadda.

Make the call. Stand tall. You are going to do a simple common courtesy...generations pass, but courtesy still remains.

Just my opinion-DKS

 

[SeattleSparkle]

Is there any way you can meet her parents beforehand? Because atleast meeting them in person once would make this a lot less awkward. I like the letter idea, but in order to give their family enough info, you''re gonna need to right a book (which is fine) you should also include a picture (maybe a couple) just so they can see how happy their daughter or his daughter, whatever the case may be, is with you.

I am not close with my father so I think this might be puzzling to my bf too when he''s ready to go down that road. Even so, I think my dad will still feel honored to be apart of this tradition.

Keep us posted.

P.S. I just have to share that it is snowing out my window!! If you know anything about Seattle weather, you know we almost never get snow, just a ton of rain, so its very exciting for this Montana-transplant!! I love the snow! Happy holidays everyone!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

P.S. I just have to share that it is snowing out my window!! If you know anything about Seattle weather, you know we almost never get snow, just a ton of rain, so its very exciting for this Montana-transplant!! I love the snow! Happy holidays everyone!

Hey, I''m in Seattle too. . .the snow is coming down really lightly right now!

 

[TexasLawyer]

UPDATE: Well, my girlfriend and I were talking a couple nights ago about her older sister (who is married) and I slyly asked, "So did her husband ask your Dad for permission before he proposed?" and she shook her head and said, "No, he didn''t...my Dad didn''t really know him."

Needless to say, I was relieved to hear that! But I played it cool.

 

[stretch4]

Then you got your answer!

Yay!

 

[TexasLawyer]

UPDATE: I bought the ring! I still can''t believe I''m going to be engaged in less than a month. It is exciting!

I got a 1.50-carat, princess-cut diamond, H-color, SI2-clarity (100% eye clean), premium cut, VG symmetry and VG polish. I had it mounted in a tiffany-style 4-prong platinum ring. Should be delivered Wednesday!

 

[snuga]

Congrats on getting the ring!! Let us know how the proposal goes, and post pics of the ring if you can!!

 

[TexasLawyer]

Well, the ring arrived. It is gorgeous! I will take some pics of it tonight and post them.

 

[SoonIHope]

Yayyy! Congratulations!!!

And please don''t forget about us - we want pictures tonight!

 

[TexasLawyer]

The Pictures!

The specs...

1.50-carat princess cut
H-color (looks icy white!!)
SI2-clarity (100% eyeclean)
6.39mm length
6.37mm width
79% table
71.9% depth
Premium cut
VG polish
VG symmetry

Under the right lighting, this thing is on fire