HELP! I hated my proposal and I have unsupportive friends

[vaethn]

I have not told anyone about this because it makes me feel ashamed. In fact, I just joined this site so that I may seek advice. I have been with my bf for 3.5 years and I love him more than anything in the world. I am a better person because of him and he is too because of me. We complete one another in so many ways and we are truly a strong, open, loving, and trusting couple. I emphasize strong because we both are devoted to doing whatever it takes to keep our relationship healthy and everlasting.

With that said, I am having such a tough time right now. We got engaged recently (few months ago) and I struggle with feelings of mixed emotions. Im up and then down about it. The main problem, for me, (I think) was the proposal. He proposed to me without a ring on our couch in the middle of us having a heated argument. Then, we went and picked out my ring together. I love my ring and I am glad that we did (kind of) but it would have been so much nicer if he would have done it all on his own. I know that it sounds like I am being selfish or horrible because the proposal wasnt good enough but the real problem is that, it wasnt thought out. He put a key ring on my finger as opposed to a ring and he did it so spur of the moment that it didnt feel real. I was still angry because we were arguing and then all of sudden I am supposed to be extactic?? I was though. I cried and we hugged and made up but I cant get over it. I have talked to him about it and it has upset him causing us to argue a couple of times but mostly, he listens to me. He says that he understands that Im upset because it wasnt thought out and because we were arguing at the moment and he has said that he will propose again..He plans to upgrade my ring and trade the center diamond out with a diamond that his late grandmother gave him...I really am doing much better now but sometimes I get upset about it and I think and worry. I think that my biggest problem is that I feel insecure or like I pushed him into proposing. He says that I didnt and that I need to not worry because I am the one that he wants to marry and spend his life with and cant live without etc...and I believe that with all of my heart so what is my problem then? Why am I still frustrated that he didnt do this all on his own without my help.

I should also add that my engagement has also been shadowed by jealous friends who felt that they should get married before we did because they have been with their bfs longer. This has really hurt me because when we first got engaged, I felt guilty like I dont want to hurt their feelings so we shared the news but I kept to myself about it. I shared my happiness with my friends long distance but didnt get to really with my friends here (they are my fiance''s friends girlfriends). They have been friends for three years though and they should have been more supportive. On top of all of this, I think that one of the girls is going to get engaged soon. She''ll probably have some wonderful proposal story (even though it took him 6 years) and she''ll be searching for a lot of attention so pretty much, it hasnt been about my fiance and I and now, it wont be. My problems are slightly ridiculous, I know but these are my feelings and I could really use some support or advice. I feel like all of this is really affecting this happy time that my fiance and I should be sharing. We are not having problems (oursleves) but Im hurt by those around us.

Thanks for listening

 

[whitby_2773]

this is very sad, nicki.

one of the (many) problems about proposing in the middle of an argument is that the emotion from the argument will always be associated with the argument. that''s not your fault - it''s just how brains/memory works. when your brain traces the memory cues back to ''proposal'', it will also automatically find ''angry/argument'', because it''s stored right in the same spot.

i''m sure your fiance wanted to propose of his own accord (i mean, what person who DOESNT want to marry someone suddenly gets inspired by a fight??!) and so i''d have a talk with him, say thank you for asking and that obviously your answer is a resounding yes. but then suggest that the day your new life started together deserves a memory filled with happiness in every way and is there some way to do this in an all round positive way because you can''t seem to get past the argument aspect of it?

if it''s too late for that ''undo'', perhaps when he gives you your upgrade, you might suggest a romantic weekend away and ask him to ask you again, complete with photos etc so you have something to show people....as in...."hey look! this is where X and i celebrated our engagement for real and where he gave me my forever engagement ring." ask him for something special - a great memory - then leave him to it and be happy about whatever he does.

just a few thoughts, nicki; i do hope this works out for you,

 

[Nomsdeplume]

It sounds like you have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

When he proposed, were you fighting about your future together? Is that why you feel like you pushed him into it?
I know that it all seems overwhelming and important now, but when you are happily married, it won''t anymore.
Try to focus on that.

 

[ksluice]

Date: 6/28/2009 11:56:00 PM
Author: whitby_2773
but then suggest that the day your new life started together deserves a memory filled with happiness in every way and is there some way to do this in an all round positive way because you can''t seem to get past the argument aspect of it?

Nicky,

I think this is a brilliant way of phrasing your desires (well put Whitby, wow.)--I bet it would get your FI right on board with the re-proposal b/c who wouldn''t want a joy-filled day to mark the start of their life together. I think it takes a lot of what he might interpret as the critical notes out of your request and makes it something that he can do to build up your forever.

And if you do follow Whitby''s advice, please come back and post your new proposal story. I would love to hear about it!!

 

[jet2ks]

Date: 6/28/2009 9:03:52 PM
Author:Nicki
I have talked to him about it and it has upset him causing us to argue a couple of times but mostly, he listens to me. He says that he understands that Im upset because it wasnt thought out and because we were arguing at the moment and he has said that he will propose again..He plans to upgrade my ring and trade the center diamond out with a diamond that his late grandmother gave him...I really am doing much better now but sometimes I get upset about it and I think and worry. I think that my biggest problem is that I feel insecure or like I pushed him into proposing. He says that I didnt and that I need to not worry because I am the one that he wants to marry and spend his life with and cant live without etc...and I believe that with all of my heart

Guys perspective here, Nicki. I see a lot of hope and good in the statements above. You two are obviously able to talk openly and honestly, which is a great foundation for a marriage. Totally agree with whitby that he must want to marry you to propose in the middle of an argument.

In reference to the highlighted part above, give him a little time to work on a proper proposal. I would bet he plans on doing it with the upgraded ring and will have something fabulous. I would just sit down and talk with him again. Just reiterate how you are feeling about the original proposal and let him reassure you that he does love you and really wants to marry you. Whitby gave such great and eloquent advice on how to approach the conversation (as always!) As much as you may want to, don't ask for specifics about the proposal or give him a deadline--he probably wants it to be somewhat of a surprise.

As for your friends, it has been said many times on PS that an engagement and wedding will bring out the best and worst of people. You will find out many times who real friends are. Do understand, though, that those girls are going through a lot of feelings about waiting for proposals--just check out the Ladies in Waiting forum on PS. The ones that are true friends will still be happy for you and will show that.

 

[vaethn]

Thank you to everyone for responding. It is much appreciated. Whitby~I think that you have great advice. We are very open with each other and I wouldnt have a problem taking your advice but I am just not sure if I shoud bring it up again. First off, I hate that I even have to talk about this with him. It should be a surprise and secondly, I dont want to turn him off and create bad memories of it for him. He was the one who started talking about marriage, in the first place. I am the one who told him that if he was serious about marrying me in two years then he needed to propose first lol. Then, I feel that I started pushing the ring. I honestly think that if it weren''t for the ring, it wouldnt have taken him any time at all. He just didnt have 2k or 3k saved up. Anyways, I want to take your advice but let me fill you in a little more and then tell me if you think I should. So, I feel that I pushed the ring. He proposed without the ring and I wanted it before we even told anyone. I even started pushing for it when he started talking about marriage. As soon as he had said that he wanted to spend hi life with me, I pushed for that ring...So, the other day when we had this discussion last, he had explained to me that he understood and that he would make it special. I asked him if he would just make sure that his grandmother''s diamond would even fit in my ring and match my other diamonds. He looked at me and said: babe, you pushed last time and now you''re unhappy so this time I am going to do this on my own, I am going to call the shots. Even though this comment is more stern than he usually is with me, I really appreciated hearing it. It made me feel like good, I am glad that you are stepping up to the plate and I am giggling inside because you are the only person in the world that knows me so well...better than I know myself and can even advise me of when I need to watch out for myself.

He really is a great guy and I feel silly when I actually put this all down on paper (well, computer) because I can see just how ridiculous this is of me in some ways but I feel this way today and in a few weeks, I will probably be upset again so I should really do something.

Thanks again for the advice

 

[vaethn]

Thanks Kribbie~that means a lot and I believe that you are right. I look back at the things that concerned me in our relationship years ago and it all seems so minute becuase we have grown so close. I know that you are right. To answer your question, I dont think that we were arguing about commitment or our future but I think it was about the e-ring so yes, I think that is part of my problem. We had an argument in the morning and then when I got home from work that night, he propsed...so, we werent right in the middle of a fight but we hadnt resolved anything so in my opinion, we were still arguing. I don''t even think it is so much the argument though. I think it is just the way that everything happened. I also think that I am troubled by the way some of the girls reacted and I think becaise of that, I have taken it out on the engagement. I am honestly not really sure why I am so upset and I am searching for that answer. Maybe it is really because of how my friends reacted. Really, I am not someone who needs to be the center of attention but for my engagement, I should have been.

 

[vaethn]

Thanks TopoDazzle~ I absolutely will. It should be interesting considering I already have the ring and he already has the yes but I will let you know if anything happens.

 

[vaethn]

JetKs~ Thanks so much. It is so nice to have a guys perspective on this. I agree as well after reading all of the responses that I should just talk to him again as Whitby advised. I should make everything very clear and make sure that he knows that I am not being critical. I think that he does but maybe just make sure. The last time we talked, I told him that it was not that it wasn''t good enough for me and then I explained the fact that the wrong emotions were attached to the memory and that I would have really appreciated for it to be a special moment as opposed to a heated moment.

It is funny that you say that I should let him reassure me of his love and that he wants to marry me. I say that iit is funny because, I am so not the type of person who needs reassurance but I think that you are right. The whole thing left me with insecurities-not onthe surface but I do think that is my problem. I have always dreamed (as all girls do) of the perfect proposal and I think because I was dealing with all of this (including my friends) it threw me for a loop. I started questioning if it was right. I kept saying: this is not how this is supposed to be and I started freaking out. I told my finace this, at one point, and he even offered to go to pre-marital counseling with me. Not because we were having problems, but just so that I could talke to someone who could tell me if my feelings were normal and that it wasnt just me. I know that it is right with him and Im not worried about that but this emotional roller coaster goes up and down. It doesnt ever make me question us, as a couple, but it just freaks me out. I hope the wedding will go smoothly.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 6/29/2009 1:52:47 PM
Author: Nicki
Thanks Kribbie~that means a lot and I believe that you are right. I look back at the things that concerned me in our relationship years ago and it all seems so minute becuase we have grown so close. I know that you are right. To answer your question, I dont think that we were arguing about commitment or our future but I think it was about the e-ring so yes, I think that is part of my problem. We had an argument in the morning and then when I got home from work that night, he propsed...so, we werent right in the middle of a fight but we hadnt resolved anything so in my opinion, we were still arguing. I don''t even think it is so much the argument though. I think it is just the way that everything happened. I also think that I am troubled by the way some of the girls reacted and I think becaise of that, I have taken it out on the engagement. I am honestly not really sure why I am so upset and I am searching for that answer. Maybe it is really because of how my friends reacted. Really, I am not someone who needs to be the center of attention but for my engagement, I should have been.

I feel so bad for you because I can actually imagine how you feel. You are angry and hurt but you feel that you shouldn''t be and that''s what is causing so much confusion. I honestly don''t think a man would propose the way your fiance did if he didn''t mean it, or if you pushed him into it. It wasn''t like "Oh, sigh, okay fine, will you marry me? There, are you happy now?". I think the fight made him realise "Man, I love this girl and I don''t want to ever lose her." Which is good!!! But I think a re-proposal is a good idea. Nothing wrong with two stories instead of one to tell the kids one day!

You know, girls are awful. We can be so jealous and nasty. You really are the centre of attention, because every time they see you they think longingly "I wish that were me". It can be difficult to find girl friends who are not going to be spiteful because they are jealous of your situation.

If it''s any consolation, we are all thrilled for you!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 6/29/2009 1:41:39 PM
Author: Nicki
Thank you to everyone for responding. It is much appreciated. Whitby~I think that you have great advice. We are very open with each other and I wouldnt have a problem taking your advice but I am just not sure if I shoud bring it up again. First off, I hate that I even have to talk about this with him. It should be a surprise and secondly, I dont want to turn him off and create bad memories of it for him. He was the one who started talking about marriage, in the first place. I am the one who told him that if he was serious about marrying me in two years then he needed to propose first lol. Then, I feel that I started pushing the ring. I honestly think that if it weren''t for the ring, it wouldnt have taken him any time at all. He just didnt have 2k or 3k saved up. Anyways, I want to take your advice but let me fill you in a little more and then tell me if you think I should. So, I feel that I pushed the ring. He proposed without the ring and I wanted it before we even told anyone. I even started pushing for it when he started talking about marriage. As soon as he had said that he wanted to spend hi life with me, I pushed for that ring...So, the other day when we had this discussion last, he had explained to me that he understood and that he would make it special. I asked him if he would just make sure that his grandmother''s diamond would even fit in my ring and match my other diamonds. He looked at me and said: babe, you pushed last time and now you''re unhappy so this time I am going to do this on my own, I am going to call the shots. Even though this comment is more stern than he usually is with me, I really appreciated hearing it. It made me feel like good, I am glad that you are stepping up to the plate and I am giggling inside because you are the only person in the world that knows me so well...better than I know myself and can even advise me of when I need to watch out for myself.

He really is a great guy and I feel silly when I actually put this all down on paper (well, computer) because I can see just how ridiculous this is of me in some ways but I feel this way today and in a few weeks, I will probably be upset again so I should really do something.

Thanks again for the advice

Considering this information, I think you need to not say another word to him. You are engaged, so you don''t need to push for a re-proposal. He has made it clear that he wants to take charge and I think you need to let him. I wouldn''t build up some elaborate proposal scenario in your mind, either, so you won''t be disappointed if it is just a sweet, simple proposal. Hopefuly it''ll just be a happy occasion that you can both remember!

 

[vaethn]

Thanks Kribbie~It has really helped me to talk to you ladies. I am feeling a whole lot better about the situation. I am just trying to figure out how I am going to act when my gf''s get engaged...You are totally right that, as women, we can be mean and spiteful but I would be happy for my friends and if I wasn''t, I would pretend that I was. I am just really not sure how I will react when it is their turns. I am not a selfish person but I am not ready for that to happen because I think that my fiance and I deserve this time. Anyways, thanks again

 

[vaethn]

I totally agree with you DiamondSeeker. That is what I think too. I have made my point and he has gotten it and even if nothing else does occur, I really think that I am just fine with that. After talking to all of the girls on here, it has really helped me see that what my fiance did was sweet and meaningful. Now, I just need to get past my issue with the friends. Thanks for your advice though. I really appreciate it

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 6/30/2009 4:40:22 PM
Author: Nicki
I totally agree with you DiamondSeeker. That is what I think too. I have made my point and he has gotten it and even if nothing else does occur, I really think that I am just fine with that. After talking to all of the girls on here, it has really helped me see that what my fiance did was sweet and meaningful. Now, I just need to get past my issue with the friends. Thanks for your advice though. I really appreciate it

Pay no mind to your jealous friends. I went through the same thing with a couple of my friends (guy friends btw) and they were seriously asking me WHY i wanted to marry my FI. Its hard when your friends are unsuppostive of your FANTASTIC news but its their problem, not yours!