Help Needed to Soothe FF''s Ruffled Feathers!

[Harleigh]

This is in response to another post, but I guess it belongs here...

You are all so awesome, and I feel your "Lady in Waiting" pain1

A little history here:

I''ve known my FF for 15 years or so...we were friends first, dance partners second, and then we dated for 4 1/2 years. After about 4 years, I began asking where we were headed, and it didn''t appear that he didn''t have any idea, so I ended up going my own way. I bought a convertible, got my Master''s Degree, bought a brand new house, took several trips to Vegas with the girls, and basically found the backbone I felt I''d been lacking, etc... We saw each other over the years, but I wouldn''t give him the time of day if it wasn''t on the dance floor, still feeling the pain of his lack of commitment all those years ago! Fast forward to 6 years later...we have finally found our way back to one another and have been back together for about 14 months.

He is almost 41, I will be 35 in a few days, and neither of us have ever been married or lived with a SO as we were each other''s "the one that got away." In January, he mentioned that he thought it was time to go look at rings...4 times! Imagine my excitement! He then left for training in another country for several weeks, and apparently forgot all of those appparently wine-induced conversations while he was away! I felt very foolish for having told my friends and family that he was talking about going to look at rings and to have nothing come of it, and so I tried to just let it go. Since everything needs to be HIS idea (according to him,) I sat back and waited...

Patience is a virtue, it seems! On our one-year anniversary, along with a beautiful diamond Journey pendant, he gave me a map and directions to the jeweler he wanted to take me to a few hours away (due to the fact that his friend''s family has their own store and we could get more bang for our buck) and when could I go to look at "gems" as he calls them. I am a teacher, so I wouldn''t have had any days off until the end of June, so I wrote down a list of dates when he was off work (he is Fire Captain with 4 days off at a time) and that I could afford to be "sick" for a 1/2 day of work and make the trek.

Needless to say, to make an already really long story short, we ended up getting an amazing deal on a gorgeous 2.09 Carat, H color, SI-1 clarity stone that looks enormous on my tiny fingers! We went and picked it up 2 weeks later, had it appraised and then I recently chose a simple 6mm white gold band setting along with 2 (1/2 C) round channel set bands to wear on either side as the wedding bands. My FF just laid down his card and paid for everything I had picked out in such a blase'' way, I wasn''t sure if he had any thoughts one way or the other about the rings, to be honest with you. When we left, he said, now what all did I just pay for? LMAO!!! My mom just about died laughing when she heard that, and he definitely scored points with my jewelry-loving mom by getting such a large stone and allowing me to pick out the setting I would love. And I do realize that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world to be able to choose my own stone and ring, which leads me to my current dilemna...

I wasn''t sure my FF was aware of the fact that he needs to ask my parents for my hand in marriage as well as ctually propose, as he is the least romantic guy on the planet, so, needless to say, I have been stressing out about the if''s, what''s, when''s, where''s, etc... To try to decompress, for both of us as I know he knows I''m stressed, on Tuesday I took him to get a spa pedicure with the salt scrub and hot paraffin wax (he would never admit how much he loves having his feet pampered to any of the guys in the Firehouse, mind you, but I knew it would be a treat that he would love) and then I took him out for some Prime Rib at Black Angus to top the afternoon off. While we were at dinner, the jeweler called to say that my e-ring was ready, so he made a comment about going to pick it up on Thursday since Wednesday was a holiday. I just uh-hmmed and carried on with my day at that point, because I didn''t know what to say.

Since I felt foolish the first time around about telling all of my friends that he had started the ring talk back in January, I have decided to not say anything this time around until the ring is on my finger. Unfortunately, my parents were included in the decision of getting this stone as we were in very close communication with their jeweler in Vegas that told us what to look for and what we should be paying for a stone of this size and quality, etc..., so now I have my mom breathing down my neck about what the "plans" are. Sadly, I have no clue and am trying really hard to keep her at bay without alienating her!

On Thursday morning, he asked if I was going to go pick up my ring, and I apparently said the wrong thing when I asked him what he would THEN like me to do with it??? He seemed to think that I would want to hold onto it myself or put it in my parent''s safe. I again had to dig for the information that my parents should hold on to it until he decides he is ready to propose, which I was really uncomfortable with. I then had to mention my concerns that I didn''t know if he was actually going to propose this month, this year, etc..., or that by my picking up my own e-ring and having it in my possession constituted his idea of becoming officially engaged! Unfortunately, you''d have to know him to understand my concerns about this! He is a very low-key, less is more kinda guy, so you never know if he wouldn''t actually just assume at this point.

So, we got into it a little bit about my concerns, which he says are unfounded and that he DOES have a plan (with that look of "How dare you think I don''t have a plan?") but now I feel like I''ve ruined it and he''s ticked off at me...which is I guess the chance you take when you have so much input on your own ring, including knowing when it''s done and ready to be picked up by the jeweler. I feel like I''ve ruined it for him a little bit, which was in no way my intention, but he didn''t need to ask me to go pick up my own ring if he wanted it to be a surprise, right?

Any insight as to how to soothe his now ruffled feathers would be much appreciated, and if I''m taking up too much space or need to put it into a different forum, I sincerely could benefit from all of your expertise. Everyone here is so understanding and I think you all have some great ideas and I value your opinions. I have so enjoyed getting to share in all your stories. Thanks in advance for all of your patience!

Harleigh

 

[Harleigh]

Wow! Just reread my REALLY long post...sorry for that, everyone. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest!

Harleigh

 

[KimberlyH]

Harleigh,

Why not just apologize since you feel you've "ruined" it? Tell him this is an emotional time, you're a bit anxious about the whole thing and that you wanted to know what his intentions were as you were a bit unclear. I'm not sure why he wants you to pick up the ring...so tell him you'd prefer it if he did and then he can keep it wherever he chooses.

Just curious, why are you so insistent that he ask your parents for permission to propose? My guess is if your parents were involved in the process of selecting a ring he feels like he's already been given the go-ahead. I know I would if I were in his shoes. And if he wants them to hang on to the ring they'll have to return it when he's ready to propose so it won't be a suprise.

ETA: And if you need a timeframe, there's nothing wrong in working one out together. You are a couple making an decision to get married, there's no reason why you can't have some idea of when you might take the next step.

 

[swingirl]

Don''t go to pick up the ring. It''s his ring until he gives it to you and his responsibility to manage it, store it, hid it, whatever. If you don''t let him do that you''ll be miserabe about how he didn''t take the initiative to formally propose.

I think you are a little old for the whole permission thing. You are independent and have been for for 15 years. Expecting a 41 year old man to ask another man if he can marry his 35 daughter is rather embarrassing to say the least. Even if your culture or family expects it at any age it''s not something your finace would think is required. Announcing your engagement formally seems more appropriate.

Bt the way, what kind of dancing do you do?? It seems like a wonderful activity to share with your futture husband. A lot of us are jealous!!!

 

[Haven]

Harleigh--I''m sorry to hear that you''re in this unfortunate situation. Kimberly said it best when she suggested you go to FF and just tell him how you feel. As for the permission situation, I don''t think it''s silly at all for you to expect FF to ask your parents'' permission. Although they were involved with the ring purchase, it is still a nice convention to follow if that is important to you. As for your age, I don''t think it has anything to do with whether he should ask or even if he should feel uncomfortable doing so--my FF is 37 and I mentioned to him that my parents expect him to ask their permission, and he replied that OF COURSE he was planning on asking for their blessing. Yes, we are adults, and yes, he is older than your "typical" FF, but the expectation still remains and he knows that and he is happy to oblige.

Being honest about how you feel and why you said what you said is truly the best way to deal with any situation. I also agree that he should be responsible for picking up, storing, and taking care of the ring until he presents it to you--these are very reasonable expectations to have for a man preparing to propose.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

[Harleigh]

KimberlyH-Thanks for your words of wisdom. I actually have not been able to sleep much the past two nights due to this situation, so in my wide-awake haze last night, I wrote my FF a letter saying I was sorry for ruining whatever he might have had planned, and that I didn''t need or want to know how or when he will propose, but that I felt it was important for me to be a part of future plans just a little bit as he has included me in everything else thus far, and that in today''s day and age, it it not unreasonable, but that I understood his position on things, as well. I of course reminded him of how much I look forward to being his wife and spending our lives together one day, and that I will also try to be understanding of where he is coming from, too. I had already planned to go boating with friends out of town all day, so I left the letter in a romantic card on his front porch at 6 o''clock this morning along with his newspaper to find when he woke up today. He called after reading it saying he did understand and maybe he had overreacted, etc... I realize this is a very important decision for him and he really wants to do it HIS way, which is a-okay, but throw me a little bone once in awhile, will ya?

As for my desire for him to acknowledge my parents in all this, well, unfortunately, he did not treat my parents very respectfully the first time around when we dated, so it has been an extremely long road getting them to accept him as the man I choose to be with this time around. They have come to accept him and they seem to now have a mutual respect for one another, and I feel, and I know my parents would appreciate, him asking for their "blessing" to our marriage, which I guess I should have said in place of "permission." I wholeheartedly agree that I am way past the point of needing or wanting their permission to marry whomever I want. However, I really do want them to continue their caring relationship, and this would really be a way to put his best foot forward, for the rest of our lives, shall we say. He let me know today that he is aware of this and has confirmed he had already planned to let them know his intentions, regardless of their input on the stone and ring, which is great with me, and I know they will feel privileged that he included them in any part of his plans. He never would have cared 7 years ago, and I think it shows a level of trust and respect between them. Does that make any sort of sense at all?

Swingirl-More words of wisdom...thank you for them! See above about the whole permission thing...I hope that clears it up!

I absolutely agree with not picking up the ring myself, and I have left that completely in his hands now. He did mention today something about scurrying around looking for a floor safe to be installed in his house to store the "rock" as he now calls it! We plan to sell or rent out my house and live in his when we get married, so he wants to be able to keep my rings safe, apparently. I''d say that''s a good sign that he will now be taking care of the pick-up and delivery of the ring on his own...YAY!

As for dancing, we do Country-Western dancing together...I used to compete in two-step, cowboy swing & West Coast swing for a few years before we met. We have two-stepped and couples-danced together for almost 15 years now, and there is really nothing else like it when you have a partner you fit so well with. That was the one thing that kept us in contact all of the years we were apart...it nearly killed me! Thanks for asking!

Haven-You are so sweet...thank you for your kind words! I agree with what you said about asking for the parents blessing...when you''re writing a post at 12 something in the morning after no sleep and too much stress for a few days, I''m sure I didn''t relay anything very clearly! It is now nearing midnight again, and after being in the sun all day and a 3rd night of no sleep so far, I must honestly say how glad I was to see your posts and read your words of wisdom and support. You are all the best and I appreciate your kindness. I''ll keep you posted as things progress, or digress, or stay status quo, etc...

Wish me luck!

Harleigh

 

[KimberlyH]

Harleigh,

I''m so glad you found a way to communicate with him that left you both feeling better about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, I don''t see anything wrong with him asking your parents for their blessing; I was just throwing it out there that he might already feel that he had done so, in a round about way, in involving him in the ring selection process. We were 28 and 37 when we got engaged and my husband didn''t ask for my parents'' blessing but did let them know he was going to propose before doing so. We all have our thing that is important to us and our families, there''s nothing wrong with that.

Now...take a few deep breathes and enjoy the ride. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time in your lives, let it be!

I''m totally pulling for you to get that ring soon.

~K

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 7/8/2007 11:14:23 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Harleigh,

I''m so glad you found a way to communicate with him that left you both feeling better about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, I don''t see anything wrong with him asking your parents for their blessing; I was just throwing it out there that he might already feel that he had done so, in a round about way, in involving him in the ring selection process. We were 28 and 37 when we got engaged and my husband didn''t ask for my parents'' blessing but did let them know he was going to propose before doing so. We all have our thing that is important to us and our families, there''s nothing wrong with that.

Now...take a few deep breathes and enjoy the ride. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time in your lives, let it be!

I''m totally pulling for you to get that ring soon.

~K

Aww, thanks, Kimberly...that was very sweet!

I think this is just one of those times when emotions start to get strung out and it gets a little challenging to clarify important points with our FF''s WITHOUT causing any misunderstandings or hurt feelings! I think he may understand a bit better where I''m coming from now as well as what I''m going through, so I''m hoping things will settle down. Now I just have to sit back and wait, wait, wait, and I am really going to try to enjoy the ride! I am secretly hoping for it to be on my finger before the new school year starts on August 14th!! Hee hee!

Thanks for the well wishes!

Harleigh